Jean Kerkwilligers is Worried about How Worried to Be about Bagpipes

Dear Roger,

It seems like it's been months since you reported on the Bagpipe situation in Alameda. I'm starting to forget how I'm supposed to feel about Bagpipes, and reading that confusing book by Alameda author Danielle MacSteele didn't help.

Could you please let me know how worried I should be about Bagpipes? Lately, I've been having to do most of my worrying and complaining about Zeppelins instead.

Jean Kerkwilligers

Editor's Comments:

You can be sure that if there had been any untoward Bagpipe in Alameda recently, the Alameda Daily Noose and I would have reported on it. Obviously, we have those tartan-wrapped ruffians, the Bagpipers, on the run. That bunch of cowards must have been driven right out of town by our unrelenting critiques. Their ear-splitting racket was no match for our journalistic integrity, which just proves the old Alamedan maxim that the pen is mightier than the chanter.

A Day for Sober Reflection on Journalistic Valor

As the Alameda Daily Noose and I have pointed out many times before, today is a day to not only honor the memory of those who have given their lives in defense of Alameda, but also to recognize the valor of the journalists who risk life and limb to bring the stories of those conflicts back to the folks behind the lines.

You might think that reporting all through the battle to stop Alamedageddon, as we did, would risk enough limbs to last anyone a lifetime, but it turns out that retirement is not easy for those who feel the thrill of journalistic integrity pounding in their veins at the mere mention of Squirrels or Bagpipes threatening our Treasured Island. Perhaps, in the end, the Alameda Daily Noose and I will have to be carried from the field of journalistic valor, as others have been before us. If so, it would be a worthy end to our selflessly noble career.

We have heard rumors that, in a lesser-traveled corner of the interwebs, there still stands a monument to a journalist whose Right-Thinking may have rivaled our own. It brings a tear to our eye to think that one day, the Alameda Daily Noose and I might also have our passing marked by a simple masthead, glowing eternally in the darkness. Meanwhile, our city still needs us, and like those brave men and women in uniform, we are ready to report for duty.

Political Bumper Stickers All Over Alameda

Editor,

I have been noticing, and photographing, a number of bumper stickers on the backs of cars as I drive around town. I thought that I would contribute my photographs to give you sense of what is on people's minds — and, by extension, their cars.

As you can see, not all people who drive cars are Right-Thinking Alamedans! While I was proud to find myself behind Ms. "Happiness is being grumpy", I had to resist the urge to rear-end the "I brake for greedy developers" and "Honk if you [heart] Bagpipes" cars.

I was particularly pleased to see a fan of the Alameda Daily Noose, as the last picture shows.

I will keep my eyes out for more bumper stickers and send them in, if you would like.

Warmest Regards,

Len Salchek

Shedding New Light on a Very Special Day

According to ancient Alameda folklore, the second day of February is a very special day. If a Right-Thinking Alamedan emerging from the voting booth on this day fails to see his shadow, he will leave the booth, signifying that the old Navy base will soon be developed, thereby ushering in Alamedageddon: the end of Alameda, and also the end of Greater Alameda (otherwise known as "the world"), as we know it. If on the other hand, the Right-Thinking Alamedan sees his shadow, he will supposedly retreat into the voting booth, and the old Navy base will remain undeveloped for six more years.

Of course, this is all a silly superstition, because we all know that everybody will be voting "no" on Measure Bagpipe today, thereby saving Alameda from the ravages of Evil Robots, "Break-Dancing," Squirrels, Bagpipes, and People Parking in Front of Our Houses. Nevertheless, we will go through the empty ritual of casting ballots and running from our shadows, because it is Traditional, which makes it Good. However, just to be on the safe side, members of Inaction Alameda will be setting up huge banks of spotlights just outside the voting booths. These lights will be capable of casting multiple shadows, so with any luck, the old Navy base will stay just the way it is for twelve, eighteen, or possibly even 24 years!

What's Really Going On Here??? Reader Demands to Know

Dear Mr. Grumbel,

Today, I received a flyer in the mail urging me to vote No on Measure B. Naturally, like all right thinking Alamedans, I was planning not only to vote no but to picket the houses of anyone who dares to display a pro-Measure B yard sign. However, I noticed something very sinister in the upper left hand corner of the mailer:

No on B is headquartered in The City that is Not Alameda!! I don't know about you, but I find that extremely ominous. How am I supposed to believe that voting No on Measure B will protect our treasured isle when apparently, the anti-B forces are coming from across the estuary? For all we know, this is the first step in a "Trojan Horse"-type of master plan that will lead to that other city sending all of its bagpipers to Alameda. I urge you to look into this shocking development to find out who is REALLY behind Measure B.

Imelda Jackson-Perge

Editor's Comments:

This Right-Thinking Alamedan's missive has hit the Alameda Daily Noose and me like a bombshell. We know that Measure B, as in Bagpipes, is Bad, yet we know that people who live in Cities That Are Not Even Alameda have no right to an opinion on anything, much less on the internal affairs of our Treasured Isle. Do we conclude that people who live in Cities That Are Not Even Alameda are not Bad, because they oppose Measure B? Or do we conclude that Measure B is not Bad after all, because it is opposed by people who live in Cities That Are Not Even Alameda? Clearly there is no middle ground; it must be one or the other. But which? Which?!

Fallen Leaves: The Scourge of Alameda

Dear Roger:

I know that the pages of the Alameda Daily Noose have been filled of late with words about the things that we hate. I agree that there are many things to hate: people parking in front of my house, squirrels, teenagers, bagpipes, developers, music, dancing, holiday cheer and holiday asbestos, people saying nice things to you, Canadians, SunCal, thespians, bridges, neighbors, pumpkins left on people's front porches in October, the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, the School Board, B.L.O.G.S., people who don't live in Alameda, mayors who don't come from a long line of Alamedans, and so much more!

But the one thing that really bothers me is leaves. No, not the leaves stuck on trees where they belong, but the dead, decaying, dirty, soggy, brown ones that have fallen off of the trees. Whether these are falling from the trees as a result of nature or as a result of the Big Arborist, I don't really care. The fact is, this has got to stop!

What can we do to stop these leaves from falling off the trees? Or, better yet, what can we do to stop them from growing there in the first place?

Grumpy New Year!

Patricia Fowl

Editor's Comments:

Miss Fish is right that fallen leaves are a huge problem in Alameda. Huge fallen leaves, in fact, are an even huger problem. Fortunately, Alameda Daily Noose columnist and Green guru Janet Marchant has already figured out the solution to that problem. As the Alameda Daily Noose and I recall, it had something to do with chainsaws. All we need now is for Right-Thinking Alamedans to complain loudly enough to force someone else to make that solution a reality.

Grumpy Noose Year!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I just love to make predictions for the new year. We are so good at making predictions that we don't bother reviewing our previous predictions for accuracy, for that would take up valuable time we could otherwise spend gloating and saying, "I told you so."

The aughts have been a fine decade for outrage and indignation, righteous and otherwise; however, next year alone promises to make the last decade look like a garden party by comparison. Yes, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are talking about the special election on February 2, 2010, better known as The Single Most Important Event in Human History.

Despite the fact that everyone in the world will be voting "no" on Measure B (as in Bagpipes) in February, it's worth pointing out that a "yes" on B would mean the end of Alameda and Greater Alameda (sometimes referred to as "the world") as we know it. Under the utopian guise of so-called Tartan-Oriented Development, the Evil Developer would first construct massive peat bogs and, like the vile Robert the Bruce of Scotland, use them to defeat his enemies, the Right-Thinking Alamedans. Like Pharaoh, he would order the building of great pyramids out on the old Navy base, enslaving an army of Alamedans to accomplish the task. Then, like Alexander the Great, he would weep, for there would be no more Alamedas for him to conquer. Finally, in an apocalyptic, apoplectic climax, all of Alameda Point would sink into the sea, like the doomed city of Atlantis, dragging the rest of Alameda down with it. Life as we know it would cease, and an eternal pall of darkness would fall over Greater Alameda.

In other words, Measure B is Bad. NO on B.

No.

Bad!

Breakin' 2: Alameda Bugaboo

Editor:

As if excessive tree growth wasn't bad enough, now I see that somebody has put up a new sign on Encinal Avenue, right near that chic new restaurant. It clearly shows somebody doing a "Head-Spin," which apparently is some kind of "Break-Dancing" move I learned about in Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, a sobering documentary about hard-core juvenile delinquents that I saw back in 1984.

I don't think this sort of flagrant "Electric Boogalooing" should be allowed in Alameda, and certainly not openly, in a specially signed "Break-Dancing Zone," with the apparent blessing of the authorities. I knew that the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates would be a bad influence on our youth, but I just didn't count on the fact that it would be a bad influence on the Public Works Department, too.

All of this goes to show that Measure B is Bad. Bagpipes start with B, but so does Break-Dancing. I think we all know what that means.

Brenda Snook

Bagpipe Horror Strikes at Heart of Alameda Cookies

Dear Roger,

I was trying to buy some of my favorite cookies the other day at that big Safeway store that I can't stand to shop at, and I noticed something alarming. First of all, they didn't have the brand of shortbread that I wanted, and second, there was some weird, foreign-looking shortbread where it should have been. When I looked more closely, I saw that there was a picture of a bagpipe on the box. I took a picture of it, because I knew you would be able to tell us all what to make of it. Is Scotland trying to monopolize the supply of shortbread cookies? It seems like tartan and bagpipes have already infiltrated so many of the things that we hold dear in Alameda, but isn't this going too far? What am I going to put on the cookie plate for my Thanksgiving guests? I want my good, honest, Alamedan shortbread back!

Jean Kerkwilligers

Resident Forms Neighborhood Watch Group to Protect Neighborhood He's Destroying

Editor,

I was beginning to think that you had finally come to your senses and decided to stop droning on about the supposed negative effects of bagpipes, but I see that you decided to squeeze yet another anti-bagpipe rant into yesterday's edition. I don't want to get into an argument about the advantages and disadvantages of bagpipe automation; indeed, the very real threat to the livelihood of human bagpipers must be weighed against the enormous promise of modern mechanized production that could bring bagpipe music to every corner of the globe with such efficiency that it will be too cheap to meter.

No, I am writing today about the new neighborhood watch group I've formed in response to a problem we've had with people walking their dogs there and not collecting the unwanted deposits that their pets leave in our yards. In particular, many of my neighbors have reported glimpsing a grey-haired fellow who walks his little white dog down our street every day around 5 a.m., and has never been seen to pick up after it.

Whenever a member of the neighborhood watch group spots a dog owner failing to scoop up the dog's leavings, he or she will make a loud noise somewhere within earshot of the neighbors, who will then rush out with their cameras and cell phones, all of which I have pre-programmed to dial 9-1-1 simply by pressing the "Menu," pressing the up-arrow button three times until "SPEED DIAL" appears in the display, pressing "OK," pressing the down-arrow button four times until "9-1-1" appears, then pressing "OK."

Of course, the key to the entire scheme is equipping everyone with a device capable of making enough noise to rouse the entire neighborhood out of bed at 5 a.m., yet one that is melodious and pleasing enough to put everyone in a fine crime-fighting mood. Fortunately, I found something that fits the bill perfectly. I have issued one to each of my neighbors, and we've been practicing our neighborhood watch alert call in the nearest park early every Saturday morning.



Roy Avery

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I simply cannot condone this barbaric vigilantism; we only condone barbaric vigilantism against people we really don't like. This Roy Avery character has a lot to learn about dog ownership. He should try taking an energetic noose hound for a walk at 5 a.m. sometime and see if he feels like cleaning up after the little fellow every single time, even when he's absolutely positive that nobody's looking. The Alameda Daily Noose and I feel a lot more sympathy for the poor dog owner in this case, whoever he may be…especially when the alert signal itself is far, far worse than the supposed crime.

Reader Connects Dots to Reveal Deadly Triangle

Editor,

I have noticed your publication has been not necessarily obsessed with, but rather focused on Squirrels and Robots of late, with nary a mention of the ever-present threat posed by Bagpipes. Right-thinking Alamedans around the world thank you for your pioneering work on the link between Robots and Squirrels, as well as your earlier reportage on the complex relationship between Squirrels and Bagpipes. However, it appears that you have overlooked the crucial third side of this Sciurine-Scotian-Robotic Triangle of Death: the Bagpipe-Robot connection!



A vacationing friend of mine used his "Eye Phone" to shoot this shocking footage on the streets of another city that, thank God, is not Alameda…yet. It's all too clear that Robot Bagpipers are capable of unleashing sonic mayhem at speeds and volumes no human—or even Scotsman—could produce. Don't let our Evil Robot Mayor's apparent change of heart on the Secret Robot Base issue fool you. Just imagine what havoc her leagues of Robot minions could wreak upon our Treasured Isle if they were retrofitted with these fearsome mechanical Bagpipes!

Drake Census

The Alameda Daily Noose and I Rediscover a Columbus Day Tradition, No Thanks to You

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I never miss an opportunity for an encore presentation of one of our journalistic masterpieces. That's why we were at a bit of a loss as to why we did not re-run this particular piece last Columbus Day. Then we remembered that we intentionally failed to celebrate Columbus Day last year as a test of the perspicacity of our readers, a test you have failed miserably. Despite having one full year to notice the omission, not a single reader reported it to us. Shame!

So, even though you have not earned it, the Alameda Daily Noose and I hereby magnanimously offer you with your encore presentation, for which you have exactly one year to be grateful to us:

Praise from Margarita Encanto: A Columbus Day Tradition

A scene from the Alameda Cultural Heritage Education Society's historically accurate re-enactment of Columbus' discovery of Alameda.

Editor's Comments: Although it may seem like just yesterday, it's been 515 years since Christopher Columbus discovered Alameda. The voyage from Spain was an arduous one, especially since the Panama Canal hadn't been built yet. When the crews of the Niña, the Pinta and the Santa Corica feared they would fall off the edge of the world, Columbus defended his dreams of discovery: "But, if the world is round, it is not Hell that lies beyond that stormy sea. Over there must lie a land where Bushy Tails dare not wave, where small-town charm abounds, where a man might walk his dog at night with tranquil mind. Surely, in such a land, the din of Bagpipes shall never assault man's ears, and no man need ever station his carriage directly before the domicile of his fellow man."

It's a fine day for reflecting on the glorious past of Alameda. In that spirit, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have unearthed a gem from our archives. Ever since the Alameda Daily Noose and I first printed her wonderful letter on Columbus Day, the late Margarita Encanto has been delighting Alamedans on a yearly basis with those familiar turns of phrase that rival the complex dance steps she used to execute as a professional Flamenco dancer. Here, once again, is an encore presentation of her letter:

Dear Roger,

What a joy it is to see, all the time, your newest reviews of motor oil. The way you describe their performance makes me feel as if I were in the auto supply store myself, comparison shopping by reading the labels, or perhaps under the car, draining the old oil to make way for a superior variety.

You are so unbiased in your evaluations! They have made it clear to me that my preferences in motor oil are indeed correct. Please continue with this valuable community service. As my mother always said when she was making me check the fluids of the family car, saber es poder.

Gracias por todo,
Margarita Encanto

Sciurine and Scotian Chords Sound Mysterious Note in Alameda Pants Saga

Rog,

I've long been following the work of InAction Alameda for quite some time, so I think I can recognize a conspiracy when I see one. Perhaps, even you are part of it. I write, of course concerning two of your frequent contributors: Frieda Bellows and Lon Geddoff. It appears that Gerald Auslander's letter provided a perfect foil for Bellows and Geddoff to turn against all Right Thinking Alamedans everywhere. If one takes their criticism of mens wear in general and pants in particular at face value, the natural conclusion is that Right Thinking Alamedans should ban pants from the Island, after all one of them noted that pants wearing is something associated with San Francisco. However, Bellows and Geddoff only EXPOSED themselves as double agents that have infiltrated InAction Alameda.

I suspect the two are working at the behest of our FemBot Mayor, Beverly Johnson and the Squirrels. This is all part of their plot. Once Bellows, Geddoff and the Robot Mayor ban pants, every man in Alameda (Right Thinking ones included) will have to wear KILTS. Don't you see what is going on here? Once they force us into kilts, its only a short fall down the slippery slope to widespread Bagpiper-dom. Stop this scourge! I demand that you investigate Geddoff and Bellows immediately. I sure hope that Former City Council Candidate, Dave Williamson and Coho Jenkins haven't been compromised by these shills for Big Bagpipe. This has all the markings of a classic false flag attack, just like on 4/29.

Looks like the NSA and CIA took down that site, but luckily, I am able to provide a link to the site which no longer exists.

NAME WITHHELD TO PROTECT INNOCENT AWARD-WINNING MUSICIANS AND THEIR BRASS BANDS

Editor's Comments:

In an unprecedented step, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have redacted the name of the author of this Alameda-shattering bombshell of a letter in order to protect him from potential Tartan repercussions. Let's just say that we hope that his persistent artistic vision continues to reverberate as one note comprised of three—no, make that four—simultaneous chords: curiosity, integrity, excellence, and eternal vigilance against Squirrels and Scotsmen.

Now, the Alameda Daily Noose and I do not mean to downplay the undeniably insidious influence of Tartan in our community, but before we all erupt into entirely understandable panic, let's remember that a ban on all new trousers would not necessarily lead to greater quantities of kilts in Alameda. Existing trousers would be grandfathered in, which would mean that our current treasured way of life would be preserved forever.

Furthermore, Right-Thinking readers can rest assured that citizens such as Lon Geddoff and Former City Council Candidate are among our city's strongest opponents of Bagpipes and just about everything else. They could no more be lured into the sporran of Big Kilt than the Alameda Daily Noose and I could feel sympathy for a Squirrel.

Act Now to Halt Bagpipe Contagion

Editor,

Now, personally, I never read any of those so-called newspapers, preferring the balanced coverage of the Alameda Daily Noose, but someone recently forced this appalling clipping into my hand. When I saw what horrors it contained, I felt compelled to send it on to you:

Yes, now there are Irish Bagpipers. Things were bad enough when it was just Scotsmen who were wandering around, menacing the populace with ear-destroying Bagpipes, but now it has become apparent that Bagpiping is contagious. My guess is that the disease of Bagpiping is spread through the air, and possibly also through contact with Tartan. If the Irish have already caught the bug, can the innocent citizens of our own precious island be safe? Lest anyone question the severity of this threat, let me point out that the Bagpipes have clearly already completely clogged the streets of those other nearby cities that are not Alameda. Any fool can see that the density of Bagpipes in those cities has brought with it many other urban ills, including cable cars, Children's Fairy Land, and the excessive tree growth evident in the photo.

If Alameda wishes to avoid a similar fate, we must inoculate our city against Bagpipes. Many of us moved to Alameda because it was a nice, quiet town without a lot of Bagpipe traffic, and we want to keep it that way. Besides, Alameda already has a higher Bagpiper density than any other city in the Bay Area, so it's obvious that we can't allow even one more Pipe band to locate here. Right-Thinking Alamedans must act now to halt the spread of Bagpipes, preferably while wearing protective respirators and earplugs.

Drake Census

Huge March and Gargantuan Rally to Say No to Our Evil Robot Mayor's Secret Robot Base

Following is a press release from "What's the Point":

Huge March & Gargantuan Rally - Please join us - 10:30 a.m., Saturday, June 13, 2009, to say NO to our Evil Robot Mayor's Secret Robot Base:

• Financially too risky unless the Robots are solid gold and the City can buy them on credit
• The City is already going bankrupt because they insist on spending hundreds of millions of dollars on attorneys
• 48,000 more homes
• 600,000 more car trips
• 5,200,000 more Bagpipes
• Too many chemicals, including huge quantities of the industrial solvent dihydrogen monoxide
• Radioactive rodents

What's The Point - What's Our City's Future

5:30 a.m. - march begins at City Hall with torches and pitchforks - bring the kids!

We’ll rally at Jackson Park - concludes about Midnight

Live Music. Break Dancing. Learn the latest rumors that have been flooding into our news desk and hear terrified speakers practice the pointing and screaming skills we crowd-scene extras will need for the coming Robot Uprising

Please contact us at: WHAT'S THE POINT

What's The Point
1418 Giallobrico Rd.
PMB 3.14 Alameda, CA 94501

Klondike 5-3226
www.WhatsThePoint.com

Janice Lighter-Merv Roiled by Roy Avery's Very Wrong-Headed Ideas

Editor,

Roy Avery's letter to the Alameda Fish Wrap (which I never read, of course) wants to inform us on "misinformation" about his favorite "musical" instrument Bagpipes. Roy debunks the 6,000 Bagpipes claims that reliable sources have made about planned development at Alameda Point, and he says that the Secret Robot Base initiative limits Bagpipes. With the new and existing Bagpipes, 6,000 is a reasonable number without the Bagpipe density bonus.

He proceeds to label 60,000 marching Bagpiper trips for the project a "faux analysis". The 60,000 trips are based on Bagpipe Engineers Accepted Guidelines from none other than the prestigious Glasgow University Bagpipe Tracking Program, which has accurately predicted increases in the number of Bagpipers marching through the streets of Glasgow every year since 1451. Those figures absolutely apply in this case, because we don't have any reason to expect that there would be more bagpipe traffic in Glasgow than in Alameda. With tubes at commute capacity, everyone knows the overflow of Bagpipers will flood the islands streets and bridges, making it impossible for anyone to get anywhere, or to hear anything.

Roy has been promoting Bagpipes from day one, maybe his letters should have a disclaimer above them "Paid Advertisement for Bagpipes". We all know that nobody actually likes Bagpipes so its obvious that he is taking kickbacks from Big Bagpipe. Otherwise he would keep his "facts" to himself and stop roiling us Right-Thinking Alamedans with his very wrong-headed ideas.

Janice Lighter-Merv

Reader Claims His One True Alameda Is the One True One True Alameda

Roger:

I took great distress in hearing Jess Trumbell's letter in yesterday's edition of the ADN. She is sadly mistaken in her belief that Harbor Bay Isle is not part of Alameda. In fact, I would like to proffer evidence to the contrary, i.e., that Harbor Bay Isle is actually the One True Alameda.

First off, let me dispel the notion that there are multiple names for our fair Isle, and that we are liars. If you look us up in the County Registry, you will see the official name for our lovely community is Harbor Bay Isle. Not island. We are under no illusions that we live on any kind of island. If you look up Isle in the American Horticultural Dictionary, you will find:

Isle (iy-ul) : A peninsula that used to be an island, doubled in size by bringing in landfill harvested from nearby hills and dredged from a newly-formed estuary from a nearby island that used to be a peninsula.

Do you see how this matches the definition of Harbor Bay Isle perfectly?

Now onto the other points. Let me point out that the current and previous four Alameda Mayors all lived on Harbor Bay Isle. (The one before that apparently lived in Cleveland, surprisingly.) Is it possible that this is just a coincidence? City Hall is just a building. What is important is where your mayor actually lives so you can drive across the street to borrow a cup of sugar or give your mayor an earful about the latest annoyances from Squirrels, Bagpipes, teenagers, and so forth.

And now let's look at what is taking up most of the actual land mass in 94501: Alameda Point. Yes, that Developer's Dream, and the undoing of Measure Acorn if we aren't careful. Unlike Harbor Bay Isle, which was developed entirely by a 501(c)3 non-profit, woman/minority-owned cooperative that used green building techniques and operated entirely under volunteer labor using indigenous materials. I take pride in our community!

Therefore, I challenge Ms. Trumbell to take back her divisive language and recognize the Alamedaness of Harbor Bay Isle, also known as 94502. Although I remain steadfast in my stance that Harbor Bay Isle is the real Alameda, I will keep my arms open and welcome all residents of 94501 to drive across the beautiful blue bridge connecting our two zip codes and come shop at our Harbor Bay Landing, where they can find things they can't find on the Island — at unique neighborhood stores like Safeway and Longs Drugs.

Sincerely,
Is'nali Warard

Reader Rattled by Deafening Silence on a Critical Issue

Editor,

Alameda's problems are getting worse and worse. Our skies are constantly choked with bumper-to-bumper Zeppelin traffic, Bagpipes are proliferating at rates far exceeding government safety standards, and those kids these days are getting more and more carried away competing with each other to show off the most irritating car stereos.

Why hasn't there been more complaining about these problems? Is every Right-Thinking Alamedan asleep at the switch that could turn off these "boom car" sound systems? I thought Tim Gubitnik was going to start a crusade against noise in general, and "boom cars" in particular. Instead, all I see in the Noose is complaints about Squirrels and graffiti. I don't see how graffiti is anywhere near as important as "boom cars," because graffiti never wakes me up at night, no matter how loud the colors are.

There hasn't been any good complaining about "boom cars" in this noosepaper for almost two years now! I can't always be the one complaining about these things. Other people have to step up with the grumpy letters. Why, I haven't even personally been woken up by a "boom car" for weeks, maybe because the cement and razor wire street barricades I put up in front of my house are making a difference. Sure, they make it hard for me to drive just about anywhere, but I don't have to worry about anyone parking in front of my house, either.

Still, I know that somewhere out there, someone is being irritated by ever bigger and badder arrays of massive speaker sets on wheels. It's pretty hard for me to get up a good rant about them when they don't even come down my street, so somebody else needs to pick up the slack and get cracking with the complaints. What is this town coming to, anyway?

Lon Geddoff

Evil Developer Really Pushing It with Ridiculous Plan for Gondoliers

We all know that Evil Developers say the darnedest things, so it should come as no surprise that the latest plans to destroy Alameda Point involve forcing everyone there to travel by gondolier. That might be okay for anyone who both lives and works on the shore (as if anyone would want to live anywhere on that toxic swamp of pristine open space), but what about people who want to go to inland destinations? It's ridiculous to expect anyone to hold onto heavy bags of groceries or other large purchases while balancing on the shoulders of a huffing, puffing, gondolier.

Besides, it's a well-believed fact that in order for a gondolier to gain momentum, he must first start singing, and then continue singing in order to maintain a constant speed. As if the constant din of bagpipes in Alameda weren't bad enough, the city now wants to add multiple simultaneous renditions of "O Sole Mio" to our already noisy streets.

Nobody wants to travel by gondolier in this country, as they soon found out in that nearby city that's not Alameda. People love their cars too much to allow gondoliers, maglev personal transporter pods, unicorn-drawn omnibuses, or anything else to replace them. If the development plans for Alameda Point go forward (although of course they are doomed to fail in this economy), all of our tax money is going to be wasted on straw hats that will then be tilted over the somnolent eyes of idle gondoliers, and no-one will be able to get anywhere in Alameda.

Nightmare Becomes Reality: Squirrel-Hugging Secret Scotsman Becomes Our 44th President

Yesterday was a sad day in the Global War on Squirrels. Due to covert interference of the Bushy-Tailed kind in last November's election, the Great Island Nation of Alameda has now lost a golden opportunity to rout the Sciurine menace once and for all. Instead, we have a new president who is even more Soft on Squirrels than the last. The Alameda Daily Noose and I couldn't be bothered to watch the sham of an inauguration that ushered in this new era of Sciurine appeasement. Alameda should have learned its lesson when that sniveling Chamberlain gave Czechoslovakia to the Squirrels in 1938.

We assume that today's inauguration ceremony ended with a procession of Bagpipes, since there is no longer any need for Secret Scotsman Barack Obama to hide his true identity. The Alameda Daily Noose and I had so hoped for a last-minute miracle, perhaps in the form of staunch Squirrel opponent Miss Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin delivering a devastating flying karate kick to the lead Bagpipe, rendering the whole band harmless, and inspiring the grateful crowd to sweep her into the Oval Office on a wave of ecstatic anti-Squirrel and anti-Tartan sentiment.

Unfortunately, as of press time, we have heard no rumors of such activities at the inauguration, and so must assume that we now have a Squirrel-hugger as our president. We can only hope that he will soon stop prattling on about what he is for, so that he can get down to the serious business of telling us what he is against.