Huge Demonstration Shuts Down Alameda's Sock Drawers

Yesterday, a demonstration against our Evil Robot Mayor's diabolical plans to enslave the human race was held. There were over 100 sock-puppets mouthing in unison, "Don't Enslave the Human Race, Just Say No to the Robot Base." There were almost half as many puppeteers as sock-puppets.

Following is a flyer from the newly formed Coalition of Sock-Puppets United In Inaction! Saving Our Sandwiches! for a Better Alameda (C.O.S.-P.U.I.I.!S.O.S.!F.A.B.A.), which was passed out at the protest:

• We, the members of C.O.S.-P.U.I.I.!S.O.S.!F.A.B.A., a huge community organization that has been serving Alameda for days and is completely distinct from unrelated groups like Inaction Alameda (I.A.), Save Our Sandwiches! Alameda (S.O.S.!.A), and Save Our Sock-Puppets! Alameda (S.O.S.-P.!A.), hereby DEMAND that our Evil Robot Mayor withdraw her Support of her Human-Race-Enslaving Robot Base Development Proposal.
• Alameda's Evil Robot Mayor campaigned on her trustworthiness and humanity. Her campaign signs, which are featured here today, clearly state, "Trust Me, I'm Not an Evil Robot." Now she has been exposed as a Robot, and she is backing a plan for a secret base at Alameda Point, complete with force fields. We DEMAND that this flip-flop represents a significant 'watering down' of her campaign pledge.
• ALAMEDA CITIZENS DEMAND MAYOR'S WITHDRAWAL OF SUPPORT FOR CURRENT PROPOSED SECRET ROBOT BASE AT ALAMEDA POINT!

Contact: Coalition of Sock-Puppets United In Inaction! Saving Our Sandwiches! for a Better Alameda (C.O.S.-P.U.I.I.!S.O.S.!F.A.B.A.): Klondike 5-3226.

Surprise Change of Venue, Guest Star Turn Gargantuan Rally into Even More Gargantuan Success

Following is a press release from "What's the Point":

As the organizers of Saturday's Huge March & Gargantuan Rally, nobody is better qualified to give a fair, objective, and accurate report on the unqualified, unprecedented, blow-out, blockbuster success of this event.

Hundreds of people and dozens of dogs gathered at City Hall to howl in protest against our Evil Robot Mayor's Secret Robot Base. At the intersection of Santa Clara and Oak our leaders set out in two different directions, peeling off a contingent of commandos to create a small diversion in Jackson Park while redirecting the main force onward toward the real venue, a secret we had guarded closely until that very moment.

This video shows the second big revelation that awaited the marchers as they reached their destination, the old aircraft carrier docked at Alameda Point: a surprise musical guest who wowed them with a rousing rendition of the National Anthem of Alameda, "If I Could Turn Back Time."



After the entertainment, a representative of What's the Point unveiled our superior plan for the former Naval Air Station. It's so simple and obvious that we can't believe the City never even considered this option: just turn the Naval Air Station back into a Naval Air Station. The Federal Government is sure to see the need for that when we point out the new threat that faces our great island nation. With our Evil Robot Mayor bent on filling the entire 6,300 acres of Alameda Point with her Secret Robot Base, we will be in desperate need of massive naval air power to combat the Robots. That is why we need to instead re-open the Navy base at Alameda Point.

Our timely and undeniably logical suggestion was met with thunderous applause, and followed by an encore from our special guest.

For information on how you can support our campaign to bring back the Navy base, please contact us at: WHAT'S THE POINT

What's The Point
1418 Giallobrico Rd.
PMB 3.14 Alameda, CA 94501

Klondike 5-3226
www.WhatsThePoint.com

In Stunning Flip-Flop, Alameda's Evil Robot Mayor Becomes Good

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are pleased to report that, yet again, we told you so. We always knew that our incisive exposés of the Evil Robot Mayor's plans for a Secret Robot Base would hit her smack in the Right-Thinking circuits, shocking them to life. Although she still claims that plans to build the Secret Robot Base are "good," she at least admits that passing a ballot measure that would actually implement those plans would be disastrous.

In the past, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have proven, by means of repeated assertion, that our Evil Robot Mayor has taken bribes from Fat-Cat Developers, Big Acorn, and numerous other enemies of Alameda. Now that she has seen the light and agrees with us, however, it is obvious that she has always been incorruptible, and we can trust her completely.

This dramatic development reminds us of that second big action movie the governor was in. What was the name of it again? Term-something…Term…Term…oh, right, Terms of Endearment 2: Judgment Day, where the governor of California is reprogrammed to be a good Evil Robot instead of a bad Evil Robot, and sent back in time to protect Shirley MacLaine and Debra Winger, a mother and daughter who march to different drummers. The Alameda Daily Noose and I really loved the part where Shirley MacLaine teaches the governor to say "¿Donde está el baño, baby?" and we must have gone through three whole boxes of Kleenex after Debra Winger discovered that she had terminal cancer, and that neither a mother's love nor a cyborg from the future would be able to save her.

Huge March and Gargantuan Rally to Say No to Our Evil Robot Mayor's Secret Robot Base

Following is a press release from "What's the Point":

Huge March & Gargantuan Rally - Please join us - 10:30 a.m., Saturday, June 13, 2009, to say NO to our Evil Robot Mayor's Secret Robot Base:

• Financially too risky unless the Robots are solid gold and the City can buy them on credit
• The City is already going bankrupt because they insist on spending hundreds of millions of dollars on attorneys
• 48,000 more homes
• 600,000 more car trips
• 5,200,000 more Bagpipes
• Too many chemicals, including huge quantities of the industrial solvent dihydrogen monoxide
• Radioactive rodents

What's The Point - What's Our City's Future

5:30 a.m. - march begins at City Hall with torches and pitchforks - bring the kids!

We’ll rally at Jackson Park - concludes about Midnight

Live Music. Break Dancing. Learn the latest rumors that have been flooding into our news desk and hear terrified speakers practice the pointing and screaming skills we crowd-scene extras will need for the coming Robot Uprising

Please contact us at: WHAT'S THE POINT

What's The Point
1418 Giallobrico Rd.
PMB 3.14 Alameda, CA 94501

Klondike 5-3226
www.WhatsThePoint.com

Former City Council Candidate Says She was Gobsmacked that Robot Mayor Seems to Have Done a 180 on Secret Robot Base

Rog,

I was literally gobsmacked by the news that our Evil Robot Mayor seems to have done a 180 on the Secret Robot Base. You see, when I was a little girl and I got over-excited, my grandmother would always smack me in the gob with a fish, just like they do in the Old Country. Now my husband keeps a nice rainbow trout on hand whenever I read the Noose, just in case, and believe me, it came in handy yesterday.

I cannot believe that anyone could be wishy-washy enough to change their opinions that much so quickly, but good for us, there's now an excellent chance of nothing being built at Alameda Point in our lifetime. Until now, I thought that the Evil Robot Mayor was just being influenced and manipulated by people who don't even live in Alameda, people who think we need to build a bunch of high-rises here, but now I see that she makes decisions using her own good common sense.

Former City Council Candidate

Secret Article Reveals Secret Strategy

Editor,

It's a darn good thing that people around here are rallying against those fighting Robots trying to set up a secret base in Alameda. I found out yesterday that some city that's not Alameda is actually promoting Robot Wars. The news was buried way at the bottom of an article, obviously because the Robots don't want us to know that they have already built a secret base not far from Alameda. They call it Fort Mason, and I'll bet anything they are running a training camp there to prepare them for the takeover of Alameda. It's all part of their fiendish strategy.

This is why we have to fight the Evil Robot Mayor's Secret Robot Base! Do we want to be like that other city that's not Alameda, and just roll over for the Robots? I don't think so.

Lon Geddoff

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 14 days, with the most recent shown in green:


Corica Have Mercy:


This Is an Outrage:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council October 20, 2009

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were a little confused by the proceedings, but for the benefit of our even more confused readers, we have prepared a summary of what we believe happened at the City Council meeting. First, our newly good Evil Robot Mayor proposed a public presentation of the analysis of the initiative to build a Secret Robot Base that so many Alamedans were confused into signing. Then, other council members pushed to make the presentation less confusing by providing complete information on the legal ramifications of the initiative.

In a daring gambit, our good Evil Robot Mayor strove valiantly to create even more confusion by presenting all available information, but not all at the same time. She doubtless hoped that by doing so, the City would create at least three different levels of understanding among voters, given that some would attend one presentation, some the other, and still others would see neither. Clearly, the good Evil Robot Mayor realizes that Alamedans make their most Right-Thinking decisions when in a state of confusion.

After that, there was a bit of confusion, and when the dust had cleared, the Council had voted unanimously to present all of the information at the same time. Although this seems to indicate a lapse in confusion on the part of the mayor, we assume that she has some secret plan for introducing even more confusion at the actual presentation.


So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board October 12, 2009


Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Regular ARRA Meeting October 7, 2009


Nothing Worth Complaining About:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council October 6, 2009

Brenda Snook Asks, "Didn’t We Learn Anything from 'The Love Boat'?"

Editor:

The town has been simply abuzz with talk of petitions and big plans for that long-abandoned military base you reported on. I heard that a group of Right-Thinking Alamedans has come up with an alternative to our Evil Robot Mayor's plan for a Secret Robot Base, and I finally got a hold of a copy. It's about twenty of those fancy Powder-Point slides with nice pretty color pictures, all stapled to some musty old book from the nineties that was well over 100 pages long. I even tried to read the book, but let me tell you, it wasn't nearly as interesting as the pictures.

Now this is where I get a little confused. The old book that was stapled to the Right-Thinking alternative plan talks about building a "Cruise Boat Home Port." No matter how hard they try to make it safe, there is always going to be some risk that a cruise boat is going to take a wrong turn and wind up sailing right up that boat ramp and onto Grand St., wrecking even more havoc than that John Knox White fellow could in his wildest dreams.

Didn't we learn anything from "The Love Boat" back in the seventies? That so-called Captain Stubing was always so busy schmoozing the pretty ladies on the boat that half the time he wasn't paying any attention to where he was going. I swear, it's a wonder that none of those Caribbean cruises ended in tragedy, with the Pacific Princess crashing head-long into an iceberg, just like the big boat in that movie with Kate Winslet. Only problem is, Alameda isn't the movies. If we build a Cruise Boat Home Port in Alameda, Leonardo DiCaprio won't be around to save us from a nightmare of runaway boats stuffed to the gunnels with washed-up sixties celebrities and terrible jokes!

And speaking of boats, the Cruise Boat Home Port isn't the only odd thing in the Right-Thinking alternative plan. There was also something about "High speed Ferries," which confused me because you've reported many times that nobody would ever take a boat to work. Stranger still, it says these Ferries might be paid for with "tax increment financing." Now, I have no idea what that is, but I've been told that it's terrible…terrible! Nothing but a multi-million-dollar "bail-out" for Big Boat! In fact, I could have sworn that one of those Powder-Point slides stapled to the book said so, but maybe I was distracted by a pretty picture.

I know I'm probably the one that's confused here. I must have missed something, because a bunch of things in the Right-Thinking alternative plan sound more like something I'd expect from our Evil Robot Mayor and her Evil Developer friends: a Cruise Boat Home Port, High speed Ferries, tax increment financing, industrial clusters, trucking services, hotels, conference centers, a theme park, and "Diverse, Affordable Housing," including…if you can believe this…apartments and lofts. I thought this exactly was the kind of thing we Right-Thinking Alamedans are trying to stop. I hope that young, up-and-coming genius of the East Bay, Mr. Dave Williamson, will be able to explain to me exactly where I went wrong. I feel like such a silly goose!

Brenda Snook

Reader Connects Dots to Reveal Deadly Triangle

Editor,

I have noticed your publication has been not necessarily obsessed with, but rather focused on Squirrels and Robots of late, with nary a mention of the ever-present threat posed by Bagpipes. Right-thinking Alamedans around the world thank you for your pioneering work on the link between Robots and Squirrels, as well as your earlier reportage on the complex relationship between Squirrels and Bagpipes. However, it appears that you have overlooked the crucial third side of this Sciurine-Scotian-Robotic Triangle of Death: the Bagpipe-Robot connection!



A vacationing friend of mine used his "Eye Phone" to shoot this shocking footage on the streets of another city that, thank God, is not Alameda…yet. It's all too clear that Robot Bagpipers are capable of unleashing sonic mayhem at speeds and volumes no human—or even Scotsman—could produce. Don't let our Evil Robot Mayor's apparent change of heart on the Secret Robot Base issue fool you. Just imagine what havoc her leagues of Robot minions could wreak upon our Treasured Isle if they were retrofitted with these fearsome mechanical Bagpipes!

Drake Census

Alameda Threatened by Crazed Robot Lawyers Running Amok

Editor,

I have it on good authority that in the near future, Robots are going to have their own lawyers. Chances are that those lawyers are also going to be Robots, which I can easily guess since our Evil Robot Mayor, Beverly Johnson, just happens to be a lawyer. Who better to defend the activities at the Secret Robot Base that she is promoting or undermining—I forget which.

Robots are already cleaning people's houses, and soon they'll be delivering all of our mail, and who knows what all. Obviously, the human race is on the brink of destruction, because our beds are going to be short-sheeted, our floors waxed to such a shine that they're too slippery to walk on, and all of our mail will get delivered to the wrong addresses, crumpled. All the while, Robot lawyers will be suing innocent Alamedans for buying those service Robots in the first place, as if it were our fault that our housework is done badly.

Frieda Bellows

Scoop! of Revelations: Mayor Johnson's "Robotic" Call Now on the U-Tubes

Editor's Comments:

On Thursday, many Alamedans received a telephone call from Alameda's lame duck mayor, Beverly Johnson. The Alameda Daily Noose and I soon realized that this was no ordinary phone call, but rather a shocking and surprising revelation of our so-called mayor's shocking hidden secret. We have once again scooped all of the other major news media by obtaining the following exclusive, 100% accurate dramatization of Thursday's "Robotic" call to Alameda residents, which we have posted on the U-Tubes so that all Right-Thinking Alamedans, even those crazy kids today, can see it for themselves:



Johnson courted Alameda voters by stating on her campaign in the mayoral election that she was a "good" "person" who could be "trusted." Her signs included the slogan, "Trust Me, I'm Not an Evil Robot." However, as the "Robotic" call and our hard-hitting dramatization thereof prove, our so-called mayor is, in fact, an Evil Robot bent on destroying Alameda with some kind of "Force Fields" emanating from a secret base cleverly disguised as a Tartan-Oriented Development.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I suspected all along that the mayor is an Evil Robot, but we did not mention it publicly for fear of creating a panic. Well, the time for panic has finally arrived. Today at noon, there will be a demonstration at City Hall protesting the mayor's plan to build a secret base at Alameda Point as a launching pad for her army of Robotic minions to enslave the human race.

We hope that this will be only the first of many demonstrations against the mayor's diabolical plan with increasing numbers of protesters in future weeks to insure that the Evil Robots will be defeated in the upcoming Apocalyptic Battle for Truth, Justice, and the Alamedan Way. We hear it's scheduled for November.

Roger Grumbel

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 7 days, with the most recent shown in green and chartreuse:


Corica Have Mercy:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council April 21, 2009

Editor's Comments:

No Right-Thinking Alamedan should have to be subjected to this kind of blatant toadying to cold-blooded Developers. As we explained yesterday in our hard-hitting exposé, the City Council has finally, publicly, as good as admitted that they are in the pocket of Big Arborist, and in league with the Squirrels. If you must watch the appalling video of this travesty of a "meeting" dealing with plans for the secret Evil Robot Base to be built at Alameda Point, be sure to take your heart medication beforehand.


This Is an Outrage:
WETA Public Hearing April 16, 2009

Editor's Comments:

As the Alameda Daily Noose and I have pointed out on too many occasions to enumerate, the idea of people using boats for transportation is some kind of loony Buck Rogers scheme dreamed up by unscrupulous planners trying to distract us from Alameda's real transportation problems. So, to devote a whole meeting to the subject is the worst waste of the City's nonexistent funding that we have seen in months.


So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:


Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:


Nothing Worth Complaining About:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council April 21, 2009

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were of two minds on this meeting. On one hand, there's the Evil Robot Base, but on the other hand, there are enough grumpy speakers, with enough choice words for the Council, to keep a Right-Thinking Alamedan chuckling in agreement for a hefty portion of the interwebcast. That is why we decided that this meeting belongs in both the one Golden Acorn and five Golden Acorns categories.

Gargantuan Rally Spooks Developer Fat Cats; Right-Thinking Alamedans Will Stop at Nothing to Protect Alameda

Following is a press release from What's the Point:

In a surprise announcement today, the City of Alameda revealed that plans for a Secret Robot Base will not be on the ballot this November, and perhaps not ever. We at What's the Point can only assume that our rallies and other efforts to persuade people to get their names removed from the petition that so many were duped into signing have been successful, and that there are no longer enough signatures left for it to qualify.

We remain committed in our opposition to this proposal and will use every tactic available, plus some that haven't been invented yet, to protect Alameda Point, our communities and our City. We would remind you that extremism in the defense of Alameda is no vice. (In your heart, you know we're right.)

Janice Lighter-Merv Roiled by Roy Avery's Very Wrong-Headed Ideas

Editor,

Roy Avery's letter to the Alameda Fish Wrap (which I never read, of course) wants to inform us on "misinformation" about his favorite "musical" instrument Bagpipes. Roy debunks the 6,000 Bagpipes claims that reliable sources have made about planned development at Alameda Point, and he says that the Secret Robot Base initiative limits Bagpipes. With the new and existing Bagpipes, 6,000 is a reasonable number without the Bagpipe density bonus.

He proceeds to label 60,000 marching Bagpiper trips for the project a "faux analysis". The 60,000 trips are based on Bagpipe Engineers Accepted Guidelines from none other than the prestigious Glasgow University Bagpipe Tracking Program, which has accurately predicted increases in the number of Bagpipers marching through the streets of Glasgow every year since 1451. Those figures absolutely apply in this case, because we don't have any reason to expect that there would be more bagpipe traffic in Glasgow than in Alameda. With tubes at commute capacity, everyone knows the overflow of Bagpipers will flood the islands streets and bridges, making it impossible for anyone to get anywhere, or to hear anything.

Roy has been promoting Bagpipes from day one, maybe his letters should have a disclaimer above them "Paid Advertisement for Bagpipes". We all know that nobody actually likes Bagpipes so its obvious that he is taking kickbacks from Big Bagpipe. Otherwise he would keep his "facts" to himself and stop roiling us Right-Thinking Alamedans with his very wrong-headed ideas.

Janice Lighter-Merv

Army of Robot Squirrels Poised for Attack

Dear Editor:

It's started! An army of evil Robot Squirrels has infiltrated what I thought was a respectable, long-standing Alameda business. I wanted to beat a hasty retreat the moment I saw them, but I knew that your readers had to be warned, so I snapped a picture and then backed away slowly, hoping not to trigger their motion sensors and cause them to aim their massive, crushing jaws in my direction.



There may be people out there who haven't been taking your warnings seriously, but now there is proof that Squirrels are conspiring with the Evil Robots that want us to vote on their plans to build a secret base at Alameda Point.

We need to do something to stop their insidious plot. Everyone ought to do the kinds of things we Right-Thinking Alamedans do in times of danger, whether it's insulting the mayor, signing petitions, recalling the school board, raising the drawbridges, launching barrage balloons, or even—if, God forbid, it should come to that—writing a grumpy letter to the editor. Hurry, for time is running out!

Yours in eternal vigilance,
Hogan Parawaders