Wednesday, April 30, 2008

More on "State-of-the-Art" Equipment at Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates


I read with great interest outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland's report on the projection equipment that the Evil Developer plans to install in the new Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. He is right that nothing in that monstrosity is going to be "state of the art," but we'll be lucky if they install one of those fine Keystone Moviegraph projectors I remember so fondly from my youth.

In fact, we'll be lucky to get any kind of projector at all. My unnamed sources tell me that on opening day, each movie patron will be handed an individual plastic movie viewer doohickey like the one in the picture I enclosed in this letter. And, instead of a screen, there will be a big table lamp up in front for you to point you doohickey at. Good luck cranking that thing and eating your stale popcorn at the same time!

Of course, there aren't actually going to be any people buying tickets on that day, because no-one wants to bother fighting for a space in that overcrowded parking garage. Even the thrill of watching Idaho Smith—or whatever that paleontologist guy's name is—run backwards when you crank the blue plastic doohickey in reverse isn't enough to lure Right-Thinking Alamedans into this new municipal temple of traffic doom!

Lon Geddoff

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Alamedan Dave Williamson Wants to Know Who His Birthday Gift Is From


My office instituted a "secret Santa" tradition for birthdays and I wanted to publicly state that I love the Hawaiian shirt that I received. But I am troubled, as the entire office should be, that I don't know who gave me this gift. How can I truly appreciate this gift if I am forced to think that one of the bastards down in accounting bought it for me? I have demanded to know who my secret birthday Santa is, and to date, no one has answered this perfectly reasonable request. Gifts are fine, but what really matters is knowing who gives them. This outrage should stop, I want to know who the gift is from and I want to know now, or the next email I send is going to be to our CEO.

Thanks a lot,

Dave Williamson

Monday, April 28, 2008

Big Size Moving Pictures Fail to Impress Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland


Supposedly, the Evil Developer of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates has promised that "state of the art" equipment will go into the Theater. Well now is the time to check if that is happening.

I am OUTRAGED to report that my sources say "NOPE!" - that's a big NO to digital laser projection, hell considering who is responsible for the spending and what happened at the last Alameda Theater he managed, we would be lucky to get 70mm projectors. Well, I'm told that ain't gonna happen either. I'm told the Evil Developer is putting in 35mm projectors! Could these be the same ones he pulled out of the South Shore Twin Theaters he operated? Or, more likely, will they be nothing other than the "Genuine KEYSTONE MOVIEGRAPH" projectors shown in the ad above?

I'm sure that the first movie will be the Reel of Charlie Chaplin's "GOLF PRACTICE" that came with the projector. After that we will see the famous William S. Hart in "The New Sheriff", and last but not least, who could forget Tom Mix in "The Battle on Horseback"? Makes me wonder where the popcorn will be from. Freshly popped? - At some time before he buys it "preseasoned" at Costco? That kind of third-rate entertainment does not impress me.

So I ask you, Rog, have you or anyone else been able to ascertain the truth of what the Evil Developer is installing in his theaters as far as the promised "state of the art equipment"? Anybody have the connections to provide an inventory of the "state of the art" equipment he is installing? I would hate it if the 'thunderous roar' in the Charlie Chaplin special-effects blockbuster "Fun in the Bakeshop" is just another one of those "Non-inflammable Safety Films" clacking its way through the hand-cranked mechanism of the "Genuine KEYSTONE MOVIEGRAPH".

Yours in Genuine OUTRAGE,
Donald Kirkland

Friday, April 25, 2008

Vocal Minority Bashes Apple Pie


It is one thing for Former City Council Candidate to express her support of Mom and Apple Pie in a letter, and quite a different one for her to go around planting "I (heart) Mom and Apple Pie" signs in people's front lawns without asking. I know that many people support these issues without a second thought, and one might assume that there would be no need to ask whether or not I also support them, but how about a little common courtesy?

Sure, I think Mom is great, but let's not rush into rash, citywide promotion of Apple Pie. Apples by themselves are dandy, but with my diabetes, all of that added sugar and sweet pastry could kill me! Is that what Former City Council Candidate is trying to do? Is she still sore that I didn't try her sugar cookies, which I should point out were made with actual sugar?

Yes, it was dusk when she tried to sneak the sign onto my lawn, but I could see her well enough. Besides, I would know the sound of that stake-pounding hammer anywhere. Of course, as a long-time member of the City's Ennui Board, it wouldn't have been worth risking my position to actually take some action, such as going out and asking her to stop. I just want her to know that I am on to her.

With underhanded tactics like these being employed, not to mention the problems of sugar content and extra calories, Alamedans need to think twice before throwing their support behind Apple Pie.

Walter Drib

Thursday, April 24, 2008

The Menace above Our Heads


I believe it was the philsopher John Michael Osbourne who once said, "Revolution in their minds, the [squirrels] start to march". And that's just what they're doing! How else to explain the racket going on at all hours on my roof? Back and forth, back and forth, drilling in formation, preparing for the moment when they strike in straight lines of sciurine terror.

Either that, or elaborate, no doubt nut-based, war games.

Either way, as the last line of defense against the tree-borne evil, we are behooven to gird ourselves against the inevitable. To that end, I have started Alamedans Love Physical Health And Not Odious Squirrels, Eh, or ALPHANOSE. My fellow ALPHANOSEs and I have dedicated ourselves to a rigorous exercise program of tree-climbing and branch-leaping, so that when the fateful day comes, we can take the fight to them!

Yours in health and readiness,
Jock Lalange

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

A "Third Way" Around Alameda's Bagpipe Controversy


With all of the controversy lately over pro-Scottish propaganda, and fears about increasing Tartan congestion, it's time for some honest, straightforward analysis of where Alamedans stand on the issue of Bagpipe proliferation. Some extremists argue for an outright ban on Bagpipes as the only reliable solution. Other, equally extreme extremists actually believe that we should maintain current levels of Bagpipes, or even encourage higher concentrations of the purportedly musical instruments, as in so-called Tartan-Oriented Development.

As one of the only people doing any real research in this town, I have arrived at a solution that is not extreme at all. In fact, my research shows that the idea is supported by European Union health and safety laws. That is not to say that Alameda should blindly follow the example of other nations, which are in most ways completely unlike us. In this case, however, I can see that decision-makers in Brussels were inspired by my whitepaper entitled "Muffling Alameda's Bagpipes," in which I advocate a cap on the number of homes in Alameda that would be allowed to harbor Bagpipes, and a comprehensive plan of sound-proofing and ongoing earplug distribution to minimize the impact of any increase in total Bagpipes.

It should be clear that "Muffling Alameda's Bagpipes" provides a reasonable compromise - a third way - between the two extremes of Bagpipe eradication and Bagpipe hugging. We might all enjoy the charms that Bagpipe proponents insist they possess, if only the darn things didn't make so much noise! The sooner everyone recognizes the sheer genius of my modest proposal, the better.

Dave Williamson

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Ian Dash-Mote Thinks Taxing to Get Money for "Free" Education is Outrageous

Dear Rog,

I think having to pay taxes to support public schools is outrageous. The deal is that they are supposed to provide a free education for all children, so why does the public end up paying for it? What part of "free education" does our City not understand? Actually maybe its the "education" part also that they dont get. The Children still have major learning problems such as dyslexia, which wasnt even around when I was in school as far as I can rebmemer. That must mean that its a result of all of the money going to insanely high administrator salaries.

Why, the mean salary in each category of administrator in our school district is almost high enough to enable those overpaid officials to live in Alameda. And for this they threaten to bring essential, long-established sports and music programs to an end? Thats downright mean! It just goes to show that when it comes to taxes, its just like that philosopher (cant remember his name) said: the means dont justify the ends.

And another thing, every time I turn around I am sick of getting parking tickets. Nobody ever tickets the good-for-nothing leeches who have the gall to park in front of my house, so why should I single-handedly support law enforcement by paying those tickets? If everyone just stopped paying their parking tickets, the money for all of those endless layers of bureaucracy would disappear in no time. Reduce the ponderous city's outgo. Problem solved!

Sincerely, Ian Dash-Mote

Monday, April 21, 2008

Scottish Propaganda in the Aisles!

Dear Roger,

I had an urgent need for some hardtack and since the Dusty Shelves Market is closed on Sundays, I went to the Lucky grocery in Marina Village, which I find to be of a more manageable size than that infernal Safeway, even though it's near the tube that brings strangers on to our island to park in front of our houses. As I was standing in line, I was shocked to see a novel entitled HIGHLANDER EVER AFTER - right in the midst of a display of children's books, where any unsuspecting young Alamedan could see it!

Naturally, as a Right Thinking Alamedan, I had to document this outrage, which I have done in the attached photo. Determined to see what kind of propaganda was being directed at our children, I looked on the interwebs and found that the book is about a princess from the fictional land of Nvengaria who is sent to the all-too-real country of Scotland by her (obviously insane) father, allegedly for safekeeping. There, the princess finds refuge with one Egan MacDonald, "the most honorable, infuriating, and deliciously handsome man she'd ever met."

Unlike the books of seventh-generation Alamedan Danielle MacSteele, HIGHLANDER EVER AFTER is dangerously pro-Scottish, and thus an obvious attempt to sway a future generation of voters away from Tartan-limiting Measure Angus. I urge all Alamedans to boycott this market until they remove this propaganda from its shelves! Oh, Dusty Shelves Market! Why couldn't I have waited?

Beverly D'artangelo

Editor's Comments:

The shocking, tasteless image on the cover of this book is, in itself, enough to raise the ire of Right-Thinking Alamedans. Anyone who would knowingly display such a picture in a place where innocent children, and even innocent adults, might see it, doesn't deserve to do business in Alameda. That is why the Alameda Daily Noose and I pledge our full support to Miss D'artanjello's boycott.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Alameda in the Balance: Time to Confront Greatest Threat to Our Fragile World

On Saturday, April 19, from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m., crowds will gather in Washington Park, while anyone with common sense will remain safely at home. If we are lucky, and stay away from the park in sufficient numbers, our Treasured Island's quality of life may just survive this latest threat.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have always been suspicious of our City's annual "Earth Day" celebrations. They place undue emphasis on the so-called planet, when we know that there is no place more important than Alameda. What does it matter if we destroy the planet as long as we preserve Alameda?

Until now, we have regarded the City's promotion of this event as merely a misguided waste of time and money, but in following an investigative hunch, we have uncovered incontrovertible evidence of a far darker truth.

Yes, the pieces are all fitting into place. It is no coincidence that the so-called Master Tree Plan is underway at this very moment, or that Squirrels seem to be getting craftier, more well-educated, more in touch with earth-hugging granola fanatics, in a word: more Squirrely. You've noticed it too, haven't you?

The reason for it was there all along, staring us in the face. The City thought we wouldn't be clever enough to see it, but we saw it all right. It's no use their saying now that out-of-control tree density will have no significant impact on Squirrel overpopulation, because it is clear now that the City is actively distributing pro-Squirrel propaganda via its media lapdog, the Alameda Puppy Trainer "newspaper"!

The advertisement features a sneering Bushy-Tailed Terrorist holding the globe in the iron grip of its blood-soaked claws, with Alameda clearly visible in its rightful place at the center of the world. Here is our highly disturbing Alameda Daily Noose exclusive scan of this vile piece of pro-Squirrel propaganda, complete with our insightful editorial commentary:

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Scoop! Of Inadequate Parking

Remember, you read it here first! The prediction that the new multi-million dollar parking garage on Oak Street would be too small appeared months ago in these very pages. And as you can clearly see from the exclusive Alameda Daily Noose photo above, the prediction was dead on; there is scarcely a space to be found on an average day, even on the second level. Sure, a person could go all the way to the third or fourth level, and face an interminable delay at the one, inadequate elevator, but who has the patience to look that hard for a parking space? And if you think the garage is crowded now, just wait until the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates opens! Clearly, the City of Alameda has no idea how to plan for parking that will be useful for Right-Thinking citizens.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Just Say A.R.R.G. to Any Change

Following are highlights from a notice from Alameda Residents for Responsible Growth (A.R.R.G.), which claims to have obtained over 1100 signatures on petitions opposing the Evil Development on Harbor Bay Isle:



The LAST Bay Farm shoreline VACANT LOT will be gone forever unless you act quickly.

The Alameda Planning Board has just approved construction of TEN Office Buildings totaling over 110,000 sq.ft. with an additional 150,000 sq. ft. of parking lot area on what is now a beautiful field of golden Centaurea solstitialis located on the bay, adjacent to the Harbor Bay Ferry Terminal.


EXCESSIVE PARKING: The huge parking lot included in this project should be a clue that the project is expected to act as a magnet for relentless waves of speeding cars originating from outside Alameda. We all know that no-one actually uses the Harbor Bay Ferry, so don't try to tell us that public transit would mitigate the traffic.

LOSS OF OPEN SPACE AND WILDLIFE: Our beautiful Centaurea solstitialis preserve will be paved over. Precious Invisible Rabbit and Squirrel species reside amongst the hairy-leaved flowers, always hiding from those nosy, intrusive government biologists sent to count them, and we are concerned for their future. Will they have a future?

BUILDING DESIGN: Most residents surveyed say the proposed project is inappropriate and incompatible with nearby homes. Not a single hot-tub is included in the plans, whereas a majority of nearby residences include hot-tubs. The contrast would be jarring.

INADEQUATE PARKING: Planned parking is well below City standards which would force cars into the already-crowded Ferry parking spaces, where throngs of Ferry commuters arrive before 5:30 A.M. to jockey for coveted curb-side spots. If any of those commuters should arrive too late, and find both the Ferry lot and the pitifully meager Office parking completely full, they will immediately turn to a residential street, and end up parking in front of upstanding Alamedans' houses!

SECURITY AND CRIME: Walkers and joggers will face increased risks in the narrow spaces between buildings and the shoreline pathway. Scores of office workers will only be able to stare out their windows in horror as innocent victims, overcome with claustrophobia, are easily outrun by the shady characters who hang out under lamp-posts next to buildings down on the waterfront, speaking in their Brooklyn accents and sending many a concrete-shoe-clad victim to sleep with the fishes.

EVIL DEVELOPERS: We all know that no good can come of any development, because all developers are corrupt and greedy. They will stop at nothing to force badly designed projects on us, so must stop them before they can do anything. It is the only way.


Join with Alameda Residents for Responsible Growth (A.R.R.G.) at 747-6844. We want to see this development (colloquially known as the Evil Development) redesigned and reduced to preserve all of the existing open space, and to result in no substantive change to our neighborhood. We like the place the way it is, so there is no way that any change could make it better.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Former City Council Candidate Supports Mom, Apple Pie


When I ran for City Council in 2004 and again in 2006, one of the important issues was the desserts being served in Alameda, and the people serving said desserts. It is vitally important that we not only maintain the level of deliciousness our desserts now have, but, in fact, fill the 12 empty plates we are short on average at the end of each fiscal year, according to anecdotal evidence.

One of the things that makes property values rather stable in Alameda is our lack of serious midnight munchies. That is due to our very fine Moms, who keep our refrigerators stocked with excellent dessert selections. I, for one, think that the number of dessert-producing Moms in Alameda should NOT be reduced. If we have a short falls, or even long winters in our city, I would like to suggest that we simply provide more hot desserts, such as fresh Apple Pie, and perhaps even the occasional cherry cobbler or bread pudding.

I know that this is a job that most of us would not be willing to do. In fact, those that are willing to take a chance and put their lives on the line should have reasonable hot pads and other protective gear and reasonable working conditions by not having to work excessive hours, which adds to the possibility of serious pastry cutter injuries and oven burns.

Let's do the right thing, keep our town satiated, respect those who feed us and support them in their quest to maintain our quantity and quality of desserts at the levels that are necessary to satisfy our collective sweet tooth.

Former City Council Candidate

Monday, April 14, 2008

Alamedan Dave Williamson Can't Find His Pants


Where the heck are my pants? I distinctly remember putting them in the dirty clothes hamper two days ago, but when I went to look for them, they were gone. Gone! As I had gotten up late, my wife had already left for the day, but she left me a note on the fridge that read:


I hope you had a good night's rest, I've stepped out to buy some groceries. Don't worry, I'll get the frozen waffles you like, the ones that are perfectly square. I did the laundry and all the clothes should be in the dryer. I hope you have a good day, I'll see you when I get home from work….

Clearly my wife isn't paying attention, I can't blame her, since she's the one bringing home the bacon and having to do the shopping and tidy up around the house. Clearly she's just distracted and therefore can't be expected to understand my predicament. I left my pants in the hamper in the bedroom, not the laundry room. She's talking about the wrong room.

Now where the heck are my pants?

Dave Williamson

Friday, April 11, 2008

Adorable Alameda Children to Run Around Field in Some Sporting Event

The Alameda Daily Noose and I seem to have temporarily misplaced the actual press release that goes with this photo, but the important thing is that adorable children are involved, so who needs a bunch of boring details?

We vaguely recall that there is going to be some big match tomorrow against some team of not-quite-as-spunky-as-ours tykes from some town that's not Alameda. They will face off against our unbeatably cute Alameda athletes sometime in the afternoon in one of the big parks, apparently competing in some sort of game involving a rubber ball the color of that chalky stomach medicine the Alameda Daily Noose and I have to take after enjoying one of those "burritos" from our favorite Mexican restaurant. We're not sure what kind of sport it is, but it looks from the photo as if it's not the kind of game we had when I was a kid. It is sure to be the most nooseworthy event of the day, though, and one that you won't want to miss.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Jimmy Ward is Not Opposed to Classes, Just the Way They Are Taught

Dear Mr. Grumbel,

I want everybody to know that I made a complaint to the school Principle about our stupid Inglish classes. I alredy know how to speak Inglish so why do we have classes about it that is stupid. My complaint is about how our teacher so doesn't get why that is stupid and she keeps teaching us stuff that doesn't make any sense because its not how we talk anyway. Why does she make us copy sentences like I can see the rake I can see the robot. Why would a robot have a rake. Because it prolly has a bilt in leef blower.

The Principle needs to make her not teach stuff we will never use. Its a waist of time working on punkshoeayshun whats that all about I just think someone made up all of those rules to make us kids frustratid?

I demand an investagashun of why the teacher thinks she can waist our time like that, and where did she learn to teech because I think it was in some kind of prison for kids who arnt good enuff at spelling so they were locked up and there punishmint was having her as a teacher. She tries to hide the truth by acting nice. Im sure she is very nice, I just dont trust her. Really, I think School is grate but how can I enjoy it when we have to learn such stupid stuff in class? Sometimes math is stupid like Inglish and art is boring alot too. They just need to take out all the stupid stuff and then everything will be grate.

Jimmy Ward

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Otherwise Loyal D'Fan Misses His Own D'Fining Moment of D'Fame

It has come to the attention of the Alameda Daily Noose and me that our Noosiversary Quiz Grand Prize winner, Mr. Lou D'Fan, did not receive his prize as we intended. As we mentioned at the time, we could think of no better prize than a prominent mention in the Alameda Daily Noose. Unfortunately, Mr. D'Fan did not get the thrill of seeing his name printed in the Alameda Daily Noose on the day when we announced his random selection from our pool of perfect quiz scores. In fact, Mr. D'Fan only this week became aware of the honor that we granted him, and only secondhand.

Everybody loves the smell of a fresh scoop in the morning, and Mr. D'Fan was accidentally deprived of the thrill of learning of his victory in that manner. Consequently, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are awarding a consolation prize to Mr. D'Fan. A gift certificate to the Dusty Shelves Market and a fine bottle of Loopy Dodo merlot are waiting for him at the Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters. Being, as he is, a true Right-Thinking Alamedan, Mr. D'Fan undoubtedly knows where that is, and what our hours are.

Again, congratulations to Mr. Lou D'Fan.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Ozzie Luffers Defends Buck Schaat Against Deeply Distubed Elaine Hollandaise


So, who made Elaine Hollandaise the arbiter of what is or is not "irresponsible" in a noosepaper? She says she was "disturbed" by Buck Schaat's letter dealing with the legitimate annoyances of Squirrels. It sounds as if she thinks that you shouldn't even have published it.

Those of us who have some sense realize that Mr. Schaat's references to violence were of a purely metaphorical nature. It should be obvious that no-one would actually shoot Squirrels, much as we might like to get the little rats back for what they do to our quality of life. Clearly, when Mr. Schaat listed the most appropriate weapons to use in our endless battle against Squirrels, and supplied a Squirrel-killing simulator video game, he was being ironic.

I was laughing out loud as I read Mr. Schaat's drily witty send-up of those who advocate extreme measures for dealing with Squirrels when we could easily solve the problem with a moratorium on trees, plus some judicious chopping. I am offended that Ms. Hollandaise could imagine that Mr. Schaat's letter was in some way offensive, and I don't think that anyone with her poor sense of comic effect should be writing any more letters to the Alameda Daily Noose. If she does, I certainly hope you will not print them. That would be deeply disturbing indeed.

Ozzie Luffers

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have a policy of publishing every single letter that we receive, especially if it supports Right-Thinking or demonstrates the foolishness of those who are not Right-Thinking Alamedans.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Addlebrained Elaine Hollandaise Fails to Recognize Squirrel Threat…Again


I was disturbed by Mr. Schaat's letter on Thursday, with its overt references to violence against Squirrels. The training video-game, in particular, epitomized the kind of casual approach to the idea of killing that can only foster anti-social behavior in our youth. There is already too much Squirrel-directed violence in our country, and I think it is irresponsible for any news outlet with a claim to decency to be spreading such tasteless, blatant, anti-Squirrel propaganda.

No-one has presented any evidence that Squirrels have done our citizens any harm. On the contrary, we members of the Squirrel-watching group Delightfully Acrobatic Rodents Living in Neighborhood Greenery (D.A.R.L.I.N.G.) believe that Squirrels contribute in a positive way to our quality of life by means of cuteness, fluffiness, and harmless arboreal hijinks that many of us find highly entertaining. Even if Squirrels did pose a threat, I hardly think we would want to set a precedent of solving our community's problems through the indiscriminate application of flame-throwers, as Mr. Schaat suggests.

Elaine Hollandaise
Co-Chair, D.A.R.L.I.N.G.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Things to Do at Night in Alameda

The Alameda Daily Noose and I realize that, without our timely scoops regarding entertainment opportunities, many of our readers would be at a loss for things to do at night in Alameda. Recent inquiries have made it clear that the public is hungry for more than just announcements of Fischer Schnitzel nights at the Rusty Scupper, so we have compiled a list of some other popular nighttime activities on our Treasured Island.

1. Slip into your finest duds, head down to the latest trendy night spot, bypass the line by smoothly slipping the bouncer a twenty, casually sidle up to the bar, and say, "What is that horrible racket? Is that what you kids call 'music' these days? Turn it down this instant, or I'll call the cops! Don't you laugh at me, you young punk, I'm serious!"

2. Sleep. Yes, we know you might have thought of that one already, but do you know why it's such a popular pastime in Alameda? It's because the relatively low density of trees and Scotsmen here ensures a quiet and peaceful environment in which one can easily dream up possible conspiracies and snore through lengthy City Council meetings, secure in the knowledge that it would take a really big noise to fully waken our sleepy town.

3. Go downtown to complain about all of the changes there. In case you hadn't noticed there are way too many new restaurants and bars opening, and even a new hotel. Also, the new streetlights are so bright they hurt your eyes, there are senseless concrete bulges all along the streets, and the new streetlights are so dim that they make driving dangerous. We're sure there are plenty of other things to complain about in our business districts, but that should get you started.

4. Take a walk on the wild side by ordering a "spicy" three cheese burrito at that popular Mexican eatery…you know the one, right there on the corner of…that one street and…that other avenue that…runs across town. Although it is no longer the only restaurant open at night in Alameda, it is still the only place to play trace-of-spice-roulette.

5. Don your dark-as-night catsuit and drop by City Hall to peruse a confidential memo or two. They'll never be able to prove it was you. Trust us on this one.

6. Enjoy some fine public access programming on Comcast, or browse through your collection of encore presentations.

7. Revel in the free parking available at the pinball museum. If you do it often enough, you may save up enough to pay the entrance fee and actually go in and play some pinball. The Alameda Daily Noose and I usually park there about five times before we have enough quarters saved up to defray the $10 donation. It's a great way to spend a Friday night, just sitting there in the parking lot, jingling unspent quarters in your pocket.

8. Drive by a public official's house to see if anything suspicious is going on there under cover of darkness. If every Right-Thinking Alameda did this once a week, we could compile enough evidence to throw all of the bums out by the next election, if not sooner.

Now that's enough options to keep anyone busy for a week, so we don't want to hear any more about it until at least a week has passed. We'll be at Midtown Movies if you need us.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Well-Prepared Reader Offers Praise, Realistic Squirrel Combat Simulator


Thank you for having the courage to publish the truth about the City's so-called "Master Tree Plan," the truth your readers are never going to hear from the Squirrel-coddling mainstream news media. Kudos to you!

I thought you and your readers should know that I just returned from the 2008 Backyard Soldier of Fortune Convention and Exposition held at the Sands Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, and I am excited to report that I learned a number of techniques that every Right-Thinking Alamedan will need in the escalating Global War on Squirrels.

In addition to the usual catapults, flame throwers, and stainless steel Ruger 10/22s with Volquartsen heavy barrels and gas stabilizers, this year's convention featured an exciting new technological development, the Sciurine Combat And Tactical Simulator, or S.C.A.T.S. This advanced computer program, once accessible only to those with supercomputers in their basement bunkers, is now available in a format suitable for distribution on the Interweb. I have attached a copy above that your readers can use to begin their training.

I realize that some of you namby-pamby, latte-sipping, bicycle-riding, Birkenstock-clad, lily-livered liberals out there might wring your hands over the level of violence depicted in the hyper-realistic S.C.A.T.S. program. Listen, before you strain your limp wrists trying to pick up the phone and call the S.P.C.A., you would do well to remember the official slogan of the Backyard Soldier of Fortune:

"Guns don't kill people; Squirrels kill people."

Buck Schaat

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Brenda Snook Has the Perfect Platform for Airing Her Concerns about Trees


It is a sad state of affairs when our City Government holds yet another secret meeting. I only just found out about last Thursday's violation of the Brown Act. The Public Works Department met with the public behind closed doors to review the City's Master Tree Plan. Why didn't anyone notify me ahead of time? And don't bother telling me that there was an announcement in the Alameda Fish Wrap or Puppy Trainer. I never give those rags a glance, because there's nothing in them that interests me. When someone is going to make a decision about something I care about, I expect them to knock on my door, and be persistent, because I don't usually answer the door when people knock on it. Even the doorbell makes me suspicious.

And suspicious is exactly what this so-called plan is, as far as I can see. The name says it all. When the Trees are our Masters, we will all bow to the Master Tree, and that is what this plan is all about. I wasn't surprised to learn that during an earlier, also secret, meeting, "participants wrote down their concerns about trees." Now it's the job of the City to convince us that those concerns don't matter—that our fears about high Tree density are irrelevant, and that it won't cause all of the problems that we know it does. As usual, they are going to try to ram these Trees down our throats, leafy, Squirrel-harboring branches and all!

Back in the good old days, people knew how to deal with Trees, and showed them who was boss. I have fond memories of listening to my grandmother tell tales of how they used to chop down Trees to keep their pesky branches from blocking the arc lights. She always said the only good Tree is a dead Tree, chopped up and stacked next to the wood-stove for winter.

They say there are going to be more of these secret meetings, but you can be sure they won't notify me. I wouldn't go even if they did, because what is the point of airing your concerns about the Trees that are poised to take over our Treasured Island when people are just going to ignore you and plant more of the stupid things? I hope that all Right-Thinking Alamedans will boycott these meetings just like they did the huge failure of a "forum" that the City tried to force us to attend earlier this year.

I'll get off my stump now.

Brenda Snook

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

April 1, a Great Day for the Alameda Daily Noose and Me

The Alameda Daily Noose and I received some very interesting—in fact, almost unbelievable—tips on stories that we could have run today, but they will have to wait, because today is a very special day for the Alameda Daily Noose and me. You might say that this day is what our work is all about. Yes, that's right, April 1 is the day we announce the winner of our Alameda Daily Noosiversary Quiz, which was formulated to measure your Alamedaness Quotient.

We received a number of quiz responses with a perfect score, and from this pool, we randomly selected our winner. Congratulations to Mr. Lou D'Fan, whose fabulous prize is the mention of his name in this Alameda Daily Noose exclusive article on our history-making quiz! We can't imagine any greater honor than having one's name mentioned in these august pages.

For anyone who was foolish enough to miss the deadline, don't despair; today is your lucky day! You can still measure your level of Alamedaness by taking the quiz now, and comparing your answers to Lou D'Fan's:

  1. d
  2. d
  3. d
  4. d
  5. d
  6. d
  7. d
  8. d
  9. d
  10. d
The Alameda Daily Noose and I are very busy with investigative reporting, and so don't have a lot of time for scoring quizzes, so it's a good thing that we came up with our easy-key system. This also makes it easier for you to calculate your Alamedaness. First, take the number of "d" answers and multiply it by 100. This is your Alamedaness Quotient, or A.Q.
  • If, like Mr. D'Fan, your A.Q. is a perfect 1,000, then your Alamedaness is second only to that of Chuck Corica, who we are sure would have scored at least 1,001.

  • An A.Q. 700-900 makes you an honorary member of the Alameda Cultural Heritage Education Society (A.C.H.E.S.).

  • An A.Q. of 400-600 shows a level of Alamedaness that we might expect from someone who lives here but perhaps hasn't been paying enough attention.

  • If your A.Q. was 100-300, you're probably not from around here, but are still Right-Thinking on some issues.

  • If your A.Q. did not even rise to a measly 100, it is clear that you are none other than John…Knox…White.
Fortunately, the Alameda Daily Noose and I did not see any John…Knox…Whitian levels of A.Q. in our pool of respondents. Perhaps "Dr. Manhattan" finally took the hint and left town.