Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Inaction Alameda Thanks Wrong-Thinking Alamedans

Rog,

Just a quick thank you to all you Wrong-Thinking Alamedans out there—presumably the Squirrel-huggers, as we cover so many Squirrel-related issues—for being the second largest readership contingent of our Inaction Alameda noose site for 2008! Right-Thinking readers drove the most traffic to our site in 2008 with 365 visits. (Like all Right-Thinking Alamedans, these readers prefer to drive down the super-information highway all by themselves, just as they drive around our Treasured Island.) They were followed in a close second by what our gut tells us are most certainly Wrong-Thinking users, with a grand total of 1 visit.We here at Inaction Alameda know that these numbers are accurate because our site features a state-of-the-art blinking red hit counter, and we check it every single day.

Inaction Alameda

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Right-Thinking Alamedan Saves the Day

Yesterday, at precisely 3:24 PM, thanks to the tireless efforts of Right-Thinking Alamedan Lon Geddoff, absolutely nothing happened. Nobody was bamboozled by an Evil Developer's dog-and-pony show, no Squirrels infiltrated yet another City board or commission, no Bagpipes blared within earshot of innocent children, no fancy-schmancy new businesses opened up to create endless traffic by drawing hordes of mindless yuppies to buy their fashionable flub-dubs, and nobody—and the Alameda Daily Noose and I mean nobody—parked in front of Mr. Geddoff's house.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I salute Mr. Geddoff for his bravery in the face of change, and his skill at stopping it through the Power of Grump. In times when we fear that some young people may be in danger of forgetting how to complain, we can only hope that all other Right-Thinking Alamedans will follow Mr. Geddoff's shining example, ensuring many more righteously slow noose days to come.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Local Retiree Discovers Long-Abandoned Military Base on Alameda

A major archeological discovery was made quite by accident last Friday when Florence Templeton, 78, a retiree living in the Shady Oaks community, found herself at a large, long-abandoned military base on the westernmost end of the island.

"I was driving North along Main Street," reported Mrs. Templeton, speaking of the boulevard previously thought to be at the far edge of the island, "and I guess I wasn't paying attention because I missed my turn-off onto Tinker avenue to get home. Suddenly I realized that the road had curved to the left, and then I reached a dead-end in the road. I found myself at an unguarded and long-abandoned gateway to what appeared to be a large military establishment."
Word of the unprecedented discovery travelled quickly at Shady Oaks, in spite of Mrs. Templeton's hesitation to tell anybody about the discovery. "I was worried that news of this, if it fell into the wrong hands, might mean more opportunities for the Developers to come in and build more houses on the Island." The Shady Oaks residents quickly banded together to get a court injunction against any development of the historical region.

"It's the discovery of a lifetime," said Dr. Eugenia Phelps, a Professor of Archeology at U.C. Alameda who is leading the expedition to uncover the area's secrets. "The base, or 'Naval Air Station' as the inhabitants called it, is simply immense, and full of astounding sights."

"We found some real treasures right away," Dr. Phelps described.
"Giant bird-like sculptures, perhaps built as a religious offering; An old gymnasium called the 'Bladium,' perhaps named in jest after the radioactive substance which may have been newly discovered; There's an old officer's club in amazing condition that by all indications appears to have been named in honor of a grandfather, perhaps a great-grandfather of the late vice Mayor, Al DeWitt."

"I wish he had been alive to see this beautiful discovery," added Phelps, reminiscing about the popular Alameda resident who passed away several years ago.

Despite the interesting finds, Phelps assessed the overall condition as dismal: Primarily dilapidated buildings, with "who knows what kinds of toxic substances" underground. Primitive aircraft machines that had apparently crash-landed on pedestals when the ancient civilization was crumbling. Houses with no signs of life other than the ubiquitous Squirrels. Cracked roadways sprouting weeds in defiance of the traffic that ended long ago. And large, grassy fields that today would probably be useful only for playing soccer.
"But really, most of it is just buildings with broken windows," Dr. Phelps concluded.
Some birds spotted nesting along the barely-recognizable airfield runways led to a "discovery within a discovery:" that a bird species called the "Least Tern" (Sternula antillarum), long thought to be extinct, is actually thriving in the flat, grassy area, having been spared encounters with human beings for untold generations.
Florence Templeton is delighted that her discovery has made such a splash. "I never thought my life would be meaningful," she mused. "Now, people will remember my name in the history books as the one who discovered this place."

She added, "I wonder what the people who lived here were like? Was life so different for them, or were they just like you and me? I guess we'll never know."

Friday, December 26, 2008

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Your Boxing Day…and Beyond!


Now that the winter holidays are drawing to a close, you might be thinking about taking down your Christmas light display over the weekend. But wait! If you are using those extra-efficient L.E.D. style lights that I told you about last week, the longer you leave them lit, the more energy you save! If you really want to show how much you care about our planet, you'll want to recycle those lights by re-purposing them for Boxing Day, perhaps by adding a few strings of Rocky Red or Raging Bull Blue. In fact, you may just want to make that festive addition to your home permanent, for year-round energy savings. And think what a difference that will make to your wallet…not to mention the planet!

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Scoop! Of Holiday Terror

Last night, as the Alameda Daily Noose and I were nodding over a stack of back issues, we heard an unusual rustling sound in the hallway. Before our startled eyes, there appeared in the doorway the apparition of a long-departed colleague who went to work for one of those worthless fishwrap "newspapers" (not that we are bitter). She was clothed in a smock made of yellowed tear sheets, and weighted down with copies of the AP Style Manual and other journalistic tomes.

"Rog," the phantom intoned, "Wherefore dost thou sit on thy tuchus when the city hungers for Noose?" With this, she waved a sheaf of papers before her, and the stack of back issues of the Noose rose in the air, enveloping us in a cloud of computer print-outs. When the pages settled, we beheld a vision of Nooses past. Lon Gedoff and Brenda Karl were there, complaining loudly. Dave Williamson had cornered Brenda Snook, and was convincing her that her tax money was being misspent. Such a charming scene had scarce presented itself to us these many years, and the Alameda Daily Noose and I were touched by the Spirit of Grump.

Then, the vision dissolved, only to be replaced by a scene of the present. Right-thinking Alamedans were rising from their beds, rushing to their computers, and searching for the latest edition of the Alameda Daily Noose. Imagine their surprise when no new Noose met their eager gaze. We could see the disappointment in their eyes, soon replaced by a curious indifference that chilled the Alameda Daily Noose and me to the bone.

Once more, the paper-clad phantom waved her hand, and the figures before us fled, to be replaced by a sobering street scene. Music was playing, there were people everywhere, new shops attracted curious shoppers, and strangers waved to strangers merrily parking in front of each other's houses. No-one read grumpy letters to the editor, much less wrote them. In other words, it was a nightmare world the likes of which infects the most unwholesome sleep of the Alameda Daily Noose and me. Nowhere was there grumpiness to be found. The art of complaining was clearly lost, as people on the street greeted one another with compliments and observations of the fine weather.

"Oh, spirit," we cried to the one draped in ad copy, "is this vision what will be, or only what may be?" Her only answer was to hand us a fresh quill pen, dripping ink.

We awoke with a start, and a rush of relief. Then, looking down, we beheld that same quill pen, still wet with ink. What good this would be to an internet Noosepaper, we have no idea, but casting the apparently symbolic quill aside, we rushed to the computer and began to scribe the edition of the Alameda Daily Noose that you see before you now.

Grumpy Christmas, Alameda, and Chuck Corica bless us, every one!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Holidays Are for Grumping

Listen up, all of you grumpy-letter-writers out there. Don't think that the Alameda Daily Noose and I haven't noticed your recent lack of complaining. Just because it's the holiday season doesn't mean you can relax your vigilance against threats to the Alamedan way of life.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have big holiday plans, too, but you don't see us neglecting our journalistic duty, despite the rising cost of coal for heating our headquarters, and the alarming shortage of orphans for our labor force. It would serve you all right if we were to stop reporting until those letters start flooding in again.

We suppose you were expecting some sort of bonus Noose items to help you counteract the often grump-free atmosphere around this time of year. Bah! What do you think we are, some kind of charity?

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Alamedans Asked to Reduce Crime, Fires


Due to the economic slowdown, and the dismal failure at the ballot of Measure Pea last month, the Alameda City Council is facing the inevitability of budget cuts -- cuts that will result in a drastic reduction in Police and Fire services, which comprise almost three- fourths of Alameda's city budget.

Mayor Beverly Johnson warned of upcoming Police and Fire service reductions in a press conference yesterday, and issued a challenge for citizens of Alameda to do their part to help deal with the upcoming crisis. "Citizens of Alameda, we need you to help us through this budget crisis by pledging to cut back on your needs for Police and Fire services by fifty percent in 2009."

Just as we Alamedans were asked to voluntarily lower our water consumption last Summer by East Bay Muddy Water District, we are now being asked to lower our usage of the Police and Fire Departments so up to half of our brave men and women in uniform can be laid off.

A colorful mailing being sent to all Alameda households next week provides suggestions and strategies for reduction. One side of the card details approaches to police needs. "Don't call 911, not even in an emergency, unless it's a REALLY BIG emergency," reads the card. Examples of "really big" emergencies include bank robberies with hostage-taking, assault of more than five people at a time, and suspicious implosions of tall office buildings. Examples of emergencies that Alamedans are asked to handle without police assistance include squirrel sightings, bank robberies without hostage situations, and assaults of individuals or smaller groups of people.

Furthermore, Alamedans are asked to commit fewer crimes than usual.

The other side of the mailer is about reducing needs for the Fire Department. The card urges people not to leave food cooking on the stove when leaving for a vacation, and recommends that indoor fires take place only in approved fireplaces. [Editor's note: Readers may need to carefully consider recent "green" tips by Janet Marchant for house heating in a recent issue of Alameda Daily Noose, and be extra- careful when lighting fires in the middle of a room.] Electricians are urged to spend just a bit extra to install insulated wire in houses, even when not mandated by building codes.

Since medical emergencies usually result in the Alameda Fire Department being summoned, Alamedans are asked to specify whether or not they will need any fire trucks sent when calling for medical reasons. Unless the medical emergency is happening in the middle of a large house fire, or if a grave injury has taken place at the top of a very tall building, residents are requested to specify "Ambulance Only" service.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I don't plan on needing to call the Police or Fire Department in the future, since we've never had to in the past, but we can only hope that the upcoming cuts are temporary, so that Alamedans can resume their traditional levels of firefighter and police activity.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Local Store Displays Christmas Decoration


Webster Street merchant "Kraft Kornucopia" announced yesterday that it is now displaying a tasteful decoration in its front window in celebration of the Christmas Season.

Store owner Samira O'Leary said, in a prepared statement, "My family has had Christmas decorations in our house since late November. I thought, why not bring a bit of that Christmas cheer to my business?" Ms. O'Leary placed a small wreath made out of holly and sprigs of douglas fir, festooned with simulated snowflakes and the words "Peace On Our Earth," in a corner of the store's large window display.

This is the first time in this noosepaper's 150 years of operation that we have known a store owner to exhibit decorations to celebrate any of the mostly religious holidays that occur in December.

Passers-by on Webster Street were a bit surprised to see Christmas decorations in the storefront. While most Alameda neighbors we spoke to were supportive, Ed Richlert was visibly upset. "Sure, a little Christmas cheer is nice to see, but what if it gets out of hand? What if, next year, this business brings in a homemade, clay model of the Nativity scene? Won't that trivialize the holiday? And what if this idea spreads to other cities as well?"

Alamedan Sue Richlert agreed, "I don't mind what people celebrate in the privacy of their own homes, but I don't want to have to look at all that explicit holiday paraphernalia in store windows. I already have to stay home on New Year's Eve because of my confetti phobia. What's next?"

The Alameda Daily Noose contacted leaders of local churches, synagogues, and temples for comment. Neither Rabbi Netan Goldmacher of Adath Israel, just down the street from the shop, nor William Nelson of the Mahayana Buddhist Center believed that it was an idea that would catch on.

Still, Ms. O'Leary was unfazed by the criticism. "I just want to warm people's hearts. And if anybody wants to come by my shop, at 1221 Webster street, to see the decoration, and maybe even do a little bit of gift-shopping, I would be more than happy to welcome them."

Friday, December 19, 2008

Green Living by Janet Marchant: I'm Dreaming of a Green Christmas

It sure does get dark early at this time of year, which makes it all the more pleasant to see our neighbors' displays of colorful holiday lights. But wait! Do you know how much energy those traditional bulbs use? Neither do I, but I recently learned that high-tech, crowd-pleasing Lovely Electric Device (L.E.D.) lights are much more efficient than any other kind, including candles. Since L.E.D.'s save energy, and thus the environment, it's important to use as many of them as possible.

How much is enough, you ask? Start assembling your holiday display by outlining your entire house: roofline, windows, and all the rest. After that, you might want to branch out and get even more creative. The simple rule of thumb is to keep adding strings of lights until your electricity bill is at least twice the size of last year's. At that point, you'll know that you are using only half the amount of energy that you would have if you had decorated with the old-fashioned kind of lights.

Take my advice, and you can enjoy this holiday season with the warm glow inside that comes from doing everything you can to help our cute little planet.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

You Can't Fit a Seven-Foot Tree in a Five-Foot Car


Rog,

I'm spittin' mad, because my Scotch Pine delivery service went out of business this year, and I've been scrambling to find another one that won't park its big van in front of my house to do the delivery. I know what you're thinking, but I always say the only good tree is a dead tree. That's why I'm always sure to stick a dead one in my living room at this time of year. It lets me fume and gloat all at once, because it's one more tree in my sight, but one less to plague the world once I'm done with it.

I've been complaining to everyone I meet about my delivery problem, and some idiot told me to use my own car to go pick up a tree. That's impossible! I need a tree that's at least seven feet tall, and my car is only about five feet tall, so there's no way I could get the tree in there.

Clearly, some people just don't understand the way things work in Alameda. How am I supposed to spread holiday cheer with just the three-foot tree that would fit in my car, if I wanted to get pine sap all over the seat upholstery? How dare that stupid business go out of business? What does a person have to do to get a measly seven-foot tree delivered around here?

Former City Council Candidate

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

"The Day Alameda Stood Still" Opens Friday at the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates


All Right-Thinking Alamedans will want to be sure to take the kids to see "The Day Alameda Stood Still," the feel-good fantasy movie opening this week at the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. The Alameda Daily Noose and I believe that the premise of the movie is that alien beings land their spaceships in Alameda on a mission to stop all new development. During the ensuing battle with Evil Developers, in which the newcomer aliens team up with humans who know how things work around here, some recently built structures are accidentally and fortuitously destroyed. The Alameda Daily Noose and I hope that the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates is among them! If you hear cheering from the front row during that part of the movie, you can bet that it's us.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Squirrels Being Taught Kung Fu

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have just learned that the USA Kung Fu Studio, having recently moved from their location on Webster Street to a larger Park Street location, has been secretly training Squirrels in Kung Fu combat techniques.

We photographed some Squirrels practicing their black-belt moves in the empty lot next door. All individuals present were engaged in a Chinese martial art developed during the Shang dynasty. Those Squirrels were as rapid as some kind of meteorological phenomenon involving electrical discharge. In fact, it was sufficient to cause a moderate level of alarm.

The obvious question is: Why are Squirrels undergoing martial arts training, and whom are they planning on battling?

Monday, December 15, 2008

Scoop! of Plasma: Local Eateries Flagrantly Violating Flat Screen TV Law

One of the legions of intrepid reporters from the Alameda Daily Noose was recently sent the tip that several Alameda eateries are in violation of the City's recent Flat Screen TV Law, enacted in 2007, which stipulates that all Alameda restaurants, caf├ęs, and bars must have one or more Flat Screen Televisions visible and turned on during business hours. While some eateries complied quickly or even as soon as they opened their doors, such as Fido's Pizza and Kama'aina Hawaiian BBQ, there are a number of businesses who are flagrantly disregarding this rule.

A brief survey on Park Street revealed more than half a dozen such violations, including Gillian's Tea Oasis, L'Argent, and Jonny Juice. When asked how they could dare not have a Television for their customers, none of the employees of these establishments were even aware of the law.

In addition, we found a number of businesses that may be technically in compliance with the law, but were in violation of the spirit of the law. Some, such as Jolly Java, have opted to show rotating computer-generated advertisements; others have the TV screen clearly on, but not hooked to any signal whatsoever.

Editor's Note:

It is outrageous that some businesses are allowed to keep their doors open when they are refusing to give their customers access to Television. The Alameda Daily Noose and I encourage our readers to report violations to the Alameda Police Department. We also encourage you to thank the law-abiding establishments and thank their owners for providing Television entertainment. We've also noticed other businesses helping contribute to full TV availability, even though there is not (yet) a TV law, such as Patrick-Henry Bank on Otis Drive and Sunocal service station on Encinal. Let's hear it for the businesses that are doing their part to make sure that we are never without Television!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Green Living by Janet Marchant: This Winter, Heat Your Home with Alternative Fuel

Brrr! Those chilly winter winds have me thinking about home heating costs. Haven't you had it up to here with those gas bills? Besides, what harm are we doing to our planet by burning non-renewable fossil fuels? It doesn't have to be that way, because now there is a new, alternative, miracle fuel to chase away the shivers. It's called "wood," and getting it won't cost you a dime, because this wonder fuel literally grows on trees!

But how do I harvest and use this so-called wood, you ask? It's as easy as 1-2-3!


  1. Wait for your neighbors to go on vacation. That way they won't be bothered by all the noise and sawdust. You won't believe the looks of gratitude on their faces when they return to find their yard completely cleared of unsightly, dangerous Squirrel habitat!

  2. Fire up your trusty gasoline-powered chainsaw and make a cut at the base of the trunk of each tree in your neighbor's yard. When the tree falls, use the saw to cut the trunk and all the big branches up into one- or two-foot-long chunks. If a tree happens to fall on your neighbor's house, don't worry! You can also cut up any boards or planks that come loose and use those, too.

  3. Bring the chunks of tree back to your house, take them inside, and look for a big hole in the wall, usually in the living room, and pile the wood in there. If your house doesn't have such a hole, which we eco-friendly heating technicians call a "fire place," simply stack the wood inside a circle of stones or bricks in the middle of the room. Now, using a match and maybe a dash of lighter fluid, set the wood on fire, and enjoy hours of all-natural, renewable heat!

The great thing about burning trees instead of oil or natural gas is that trees are renewable, so we never have to worry about running out. After all, once your neighbor's yard is cleared, there's always your neighbor's neighbor's yard, and so on forever. Your heating problems are solved the natural way, once and for all!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Was Everett Not Drinking Before Boat-Lighting Ceremony?


The Alameda Daily Noose and I overheard reliable sources speculating that Cap'n Everett Street had not been drinking before last night's boat-lighting ceremony. These sources noted that the Cap'n did not seem to be reciting his nautical poetry selections with the dramatic flair and slight slurring that he usually displays on such occasions, but rather in a style closer to his everyday, gruff monotone. Furthermore, he made no attempt to throw any of the Dancing Sea Cucumbers into the water, which is a possibility that we have all learned to watch out for.

Cap'n Everett's shocking lack of inebriation last night must be due to rising rum prices. If we assume that business is down at the Rusty Scupper Family Seafood Restaurant as a result of the economic downturn, then it's obvious that the Cap'n is trying to cut corners by watering down the drinks, especially those containing now-more-expensive rum.

It's thanks to our ability to mentally fill in the blanks between bits of gossip that the Alameda Daily Noose and I are able to bring you this somewhat exclusive story. Stay tuned for more hard-hitting journalism as further juicy whisperings come to our attention.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Boat-Lighting Ceremony Tonight


Cap'n Everett Street's annual boat-lighting ceremony will take place today, Wednesday, December 10th, at 7:30 p.m., outside the Rusty Scupper Family Seafood Restaurant. The ceremony commemorates the loss of Cap'n Everett's favorite fishing boat, which was destroyed by fire during a holiday party in 1967. Every year since then, on the anniversary of the disaster, the Cap'n has lit a small model of that boat and set it afloat on the estuary while reciting nautical poetry. As usual, the famous Dancing Sea Cucumbers will be there to perform one of their lively jigs to the music of the "Ja und das ist Polka!" band. It's fun for the whole family, and there is plenty of free parking.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

An Unintended Palindrome from Former City Council Candidate

Dammit, I'm Mad!

Rog:

I just finished reading yesterday's story on the dangers of Zeppelins in Alameda, and dammit, I'm mad! (No palindrome intended.) It really burns me up. (No pun intended.) I can't remember the last time I've been this angry, and let me tell you, it feels great. (No irony intended.) It makes me want to pump my fist and shout, "Go, Rog!"

Former City Council Candidate

Monday, December 8, 2008

December 8, 2003—a Date Which Will Live in Zeppelin Infamy

On this day, five years ago, the former Alameda Naval Air Station played an important role in demonstrating to the world the fearsome threat that Zeppelin traffic poses. Not only is the traffic congestion terrible when vehicles that large are bumbling around our skies, but their very presence in our community brings with it the seeds of fiery destruction.

The disastrous flammability of Zeppelins was aptly demonstrated by those people who blow things up on T.V. They call themselves Truth Blasters, or something like that, but the important thing is that they do their best work in Alameda, where we love to see our fears confirmed on television.

The sheer speed with which a Zeppelin can combust is shocking. Now, some people will say that modern Zeppelins are safer than the kind that so famously burned on that day at Alameda Point, but that is just their opinion. The Alameda Daily Noose and I will not sit idly by while the risk of flaming Zeppelins hangs over us, not unlike the risk of flaming Squirrels. Those who actively promote Zeppelins, or deny their dangers, are not to be trusted.

The facts of this day speak for themselves. The people of Alameda have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our great island nation. Always will we remember the character of the onslaught against us. No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated Zeppelin invasion, the Alamedan people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Absence of Evidence Is Not Necessarily Evidence of Absence

The Alameda Daily Noose and I know that you are eager for more Green Living tips from Janet Marchant, but breaking news requires that we put her popular column on hold this week.

Tragedy has struck Alameda, this time not in the form of new buildings, but damage to an existing one. As soon as the Alameda Daily Noose and I heard reports of the fire on Willow Street this week, we had our suspicions about who was behind it. Back in October, we warned that an attack by a flaming Squirrel in one of those cities that is not Alameda was an indication that the Sciurine Menace would soon attempt similar destruction within our own borders. We scrutinized reports of the investigation on the Willow Street incident, but found no evidence of Squirrel involvement described there.

This lack of evidence brought us to a horrible realization: the Squirrels have learned how to completely cover their tracks! Even Alameda's finest have been stymied by these devious creatures. But even if the human suspects turn out to be connected to this petty act of arson, we all know who the masterminds were. Who else would deliberately choose a target on a street named after a tree?

If we hope to nip these ominous tree-related developments in the bud, all Right-Thinking Alamedans, especially those intrepid few who investigate crimes, need to familiarize themselves with the tell-tale signs of Squirrel activity. The revealing diagram below should give you a good start.


And remember, even if you don't see evidence of Squirrels, you can still know that they have been around.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Bay Farm Casts Off from Mainland Cable Service


The Alameda Daily Noose and I have it on good authority that the entire population of Bay Farm Island, including Harbor Bay, has decided to sever its ties with the mainland's cable network. Frustrated by rising service costs, and the loss of competition in the form of Alameda Power and Telecom service, residents have cut the cord, and are installing satellite dishes by the hundreds.

An angry mob reportedly severed the cable on Tuesday, marking the spot of their historic nixing of Comcast cable service with a sign bearing the abbreviation, "CABLE X-ING." The Alameda Daily Noose and I wish we could have witnessed the mob scene, with the torches and cable cutters. Boy, that showed 'em!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Mission of Bay Developer's Zombie Robot Minions: Destroy Alameda

Rog,

I was trying to find the Alameda Daily Noose today by typing some of your common subjects into The Googles, like "redevelopment", "parking", "trees," "economic meltdown," and some other things that I forget. Unfortunately, what turned up instead of your familiar black-and-yellow pages was a frightening account of a development that will not die!

Like many Right-Thinking Alamedans, I have been counting on the recent economic slowdown to prevent our city from growing out of control. Imagine my horror when I read such warnings as: "The residential buildings north of Mission Creek along King Street seemed to spring up overnight," and "There's such a diversity of land uses built into Mission Bay that there's a flexibility. Things keep moving," says Kelley Kahn, the San Francisco Redevelopment Agency's project manager. "Housing may be dormant, but biotech comes alive."

Is biotech what we have to fear next? I don't know what that is, but it sounds like it has to do with undead robot monsters. "Things keep moving...." We tried to stall those wily developers who wanted to ram a new library and movie theater down our throats, but they would not be stopped. This "Mission Bay" development they're talking about is right across the bay from Alameda. What if the monster robots randomly march in our direction, discover how wonderful Alameda is, and set their sights on destroying it?

My only consolation is that Alameda is an island, which makes it completely different from any other city. Surely, the economy-defying monster developments afflicting other cities have nothing to do with what is possible here.

Fearfully Yours,

Brenda Snook

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Registrar of Voters Releases Final, Devastating Results in November's Election


There's no denying that Right-Thinking Alamedans suffered some disappointments in the recent election, primarily due to tampering by Squirrels. However, some of the local candidates favored by the Alameda Daily Noose and me enjoyed wide margins of victory over the complete losers who opposed them. Certain unopposed candidates also earned impressive numbers of votes, considering their circumstances.

Clearly, the populace has spoken. Some candidates earned literally hundreds more votes than others who were also elected, which means that they are sure to be next in line for even higher positions in the next election. In fact, why wait that long? For example, the current Secretary of Defense for Alameda, whoever that is, is hardly making great strides in the Global War on Squirrels. That person should step aside to make way for one of the triumphant, unopposed candidates who is currently holding a lesser office.

It's time to throw the bums out, and make way for real, Alamedan democracy.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Once Is Never Enough for Alameda Daily Noose Classics

Editor,

Its a darn good thing that you published Former City Council Candidate's Thanksgiving letter again this year, because I needed a dose of grump. Once is never enough for that kind of classic Daily Noose item. My son says I could have used some kind of Interweb dingus to find the letter in last year's edition, but I don't have time to mess around with that when I don't even know what month it was published in.

You should reprint things more often. Sometimes I miss a day of the Alameda Daily Noose, so you should always publish the previous day's edition along with the current one. That way, I won't miss anything probably.

Anyway, I agree with Former City Council Candidate that it is so important to preserve the tradition of complaining. These days, the art of complaining is almost dead. In my day, we complained every day, need it or not. Kids these days are soft, and they hardly know how to whine or moan, let alone complain. What with all the lack of complaining, I have trouble getting inspired to work up a good rant myself, sometimes.

What is our City Council doing to make sure everyone has a chance to complain? And why aren't they complaining more themselves? I see them on the T.V. saying things like "I see your point, but I respectably disagree." What does that even mean? Those words are just nonsense and gobbledygook as far as I can tell.

What we need in this town is some good old-fashioned personal abuse. Its not good enough just to call someone else's ideas moronic. You need to make it clear that the person is a moron. Anyone who can't even do that is a moron!

Frieda Bellows