Friday, December 21, 2007

So Tell Me, Johnny, Have You Been a Right-Thinking Little Alamedan This Year?

Yes, it's the time of year once again, when people all over Alameda are thinking of that certain someone who's been watching over them, keeping track of who behaves well and who crosses that line that might get their names put on a less-favorable list. They've been busy writing him letters and sending them off to his remote and mysterious base of operations, eagerly anticipating a response to their entreaties. Every night they go to bed dreaming of how they will rush down the stairs in the morning to discover the surprising and delightful treasures, all wrapped up in bright, colorful packaging, that have appeared as if by magic while they slept.

It is therefore with heavy heart that the Alameda Daily Noose and I must inform you that we will not be publishing our usual hard-hitting Monday edition next week. It's been a busy year, what with so many people being naughty enough to earn one of our signature tch-tch-tch-ings, so we will be taking Tuesday off, too. In fact, we've been so good this year that we deserve a nice long stretch of private time, so we'll be on Holiday Hiatus until our triumphant return on January 2nd.

Of course it will be hard for you to get along without us, but please, be strong. If you have trouble making it through the Hiatus, you can always revisit a classic Noose item, such as our beloved and timeless Fourth of July, Labor Day, Columbus Day, and Thanksgiving specials.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I wish you and all your Right-Thinking friends and family a Very Contrary Christmas, a Chutzpah-Filled Chanukah, a Querulous Kwanzaa, a Cynical Solstice, and a Grumpy New Year!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Alameda Daily Noose Welcomes 10,000th Visitor

Yesterday, the Alameda Daily Noose and I welcomed the 10,000th visitor to our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper. We're not sure whether this visitor was a "new bee" (which is what the kids today call a greenhorn on the interwebs) beholding our site for the first time, or a grizzled veteran pressing the "refresh" button on his browser for the 100th time, hoping to see some thrilling dispatch from the front lines of the Global War on Squirrels. It might even have been one of those "Spam Boughts," which we understand are so-called secret shoppers for large processed meat conglomerates who scour the interwebs for the latest prices on canned spiced pork products. Well, Mr. Spam Bought, it's only $2.27 at the Dusty Shelves Market, where the Alameda Daily Noose and I shop for those delicacies we can't seem to find at that hippie grocery store.

Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh, right, the 10,000th visitor! Although the Alameda Daily Noose and I are far too modest to boast about it, we are simply bursting with pride over the fact that nearly one seventh of every man, woman, and child in Alameda has visited our site, or pushed the "refresh" button, or checked the price of canned pork. We would say we couldn't have done it without you, our loyal readers, but the truth is that you couldn't have done it without us!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Super Scoop! of Truth about Cats and Dogs

Have you ever noticed that cats are different from dogs?

The Alameda Daily Noose and I made this shocking discovery shortly after our neighbor, Mildred Bolus, asked us to cat-sit for her while she and her husband were away on some kind of silly "marriage retreat" cruise to someplace that was most definitely not Alameda. We know, we know, we tried to talk her into vacationing here in Alameda—as all Right-Thinking Alamedans do—but for some strange reason, her husband would have none of it; in fact, if the Alameda Daily Noose and I didn't know better, we would have sworn he was angry with us!

At any rate, after a week of looking after those frisky felines, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have yet another super scoop for our readers: We hate cats.

Unlike dogs, which are intelligent and loyal, much like the Alameda Daily Noose and me, cats are stupid and selfish. They get fixated on the most trivial things, like pieces of string, birds, Squirrels, and that incredibly boring so-called expert Bernanke they keep showing on C-SPAN. When they aren't caught up in silly minutiae like that, cats are either sleeping or eating, or strutting around like they own the place, and everyone else is just an intruder encroaching on their petty little territory. They won't fetch, and they sometimes even claw you when you try to tussle with them. The nerve!

In contrast, our faithful lapdog, Scoop, has never so much as raised a paw against anyone or anything other than the Alameda Fish Wrap, which is his sworn enemy. He has the good sense to know who is boss, and will sit quietly until called upon for a reprise of our favorite tricks. Scoop is also civilized enough to do his business outdoors, in our neighbors' yard, which means no smelly indoor litter box for the Alameda Daily Noose and me to clean up.

We will sure be glad when Mildred and what's-his-name get back from their vacation. If it weren't for the great cookies that Mildred brings us—especially those ones with the red and green sugar that she makes this time of year—it wouldn't be worth our time to take care of her stupid, stubborn, arrogant, ungrateful cats. Don't tell her we said that, though. We wouldn't want to hurt her feelings, because then she might not bake us cookies anymore.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

5:19 a.m.: Scoop! "Phantom" to A.C.L.O.: "Pay Back What You Owe!"

Editor's Note: Above is an excerpt from a strange note that was attached to a brick and thrown through the window of Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters. We knew right then that we had a story so hot that we took the extraordinary step of stopping the presses on the latest gripping golf-related press release from the City and clearing the journalistic deck for this bombshell. The Alameda Daily Noose and I are not sure, but we think the note has something to do with the strange goings-on in Alameda's Kofman Auditorium on which we reported last week. In order to spare our readers a severe case of eyestrain, the Alameda Daily Noose and I dutifully transcribed the entire note, which reads as follows:

MY DEaR, SWeET, TeNDeR eDITOR:

PLEASe uSE YOUr GREAt iNFLUeNCe To COnVINce The A.c.L.O. tO cOMPlY WITh The foLlOWInG DeMANDS, alL OF WhiCH I WRotE, ALL By MySeLf:

PAy BACK WhAT YOU OWe

OR ELSe YOU WiLL NEVER See YOUR PreCIouS hEARiNg AID DEvices FoR The HEARinG iMPAiReD AGAiN!

iDIotS! yOu SHoUld HAve BOLTeD THOsE DEViCEs DOWN WHeN yOU "iNSTALLeD" THEM!

fOOLS! yOU Do noT kNOW WhO YOu Are DEALIng WITH!

iN FACT SOMETiMes i MYSElF DO nOT kNOW!

Ha HA HA "HA"!

SiGneD, YOUrs tRULy,
The PhANToM

Monday, December 17, 2007

Evil Developer Performs Secret Test of Transportation Solution for Alameda Point

The Alameda Daily Noose and I went out to get a big "Scoop!" of delicious iced cream the other day when we spotted this shocking display in the window of that place that sells fudge and exotic Italian hair gel in all of those unusual colors. As you can see from the Alameda Daily Noose photo above, we caught the Evil Developer of Alameda Point performing a secret test of that fancy new transportation solution they've been hinting at lately.

Apparently, the plan is to construct a cute chalet in the heart of Alameda Point, and another nearly identical chalet high in the Oakland Hills, nestled in a huge field of artificial snow. Colorful little cars will then whisk commuters to the summit, where they will strap on skis and schuss their way to their destinations throughout the Bay Area.

Although we hate to give an Evil Developer credit for anything, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have to admit his scheme does appear to have a few advantages. First of all, it involves cute architecture, so it is sure to be a hit in Alameda. Second, the choice of a station high in the Oakland Hills has the advantage of keeping commuters suspended high above all of the unpleasant public transportation that runs through that Neighboring City That Is Not Alameda.

Although we are sure the whole thing will never work—those little cars looked awfully flimsy to us!—we are glad the Evil Developer has finally realized that Right-Thinking Alamedans greatly prefer fresh air, the scent of pine, and the crunch of newly fallen snow to those nasty, smelly buses and noisy, crowded trains.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates Can't Even Get Sign on Right Side of Street

Rog,

I've found another problem with Alameda's Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates.

I happen to live on Central avenue, near Versayalls. A few evening ago, I was on my way to my car to drive over to Starbucks, when I noticed that the horrendous "ALAMEDA" neon sign had been lit up. That in itself is worth complaining about, because how dare they use the name of OUR town to name THEIR theater? But what shocked me was that the big developers from out of town had put up the sign on the WRONG SIDE OF THE STREET. Yes, the neon erection is on the SOUTH side of the street, not the north side where the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex is.

I had to take a picture of this before they realize their mistake and move it back to the correct side of the street. Please forgive the photographer's shaky hand, but I think you can see perfectly here that the sign (the pink thing) is too far to the left.

If you don't believe this, try it for yourselves! Take a little trip past my house toward Park street and you will see that the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex has provided us with yet another reason for everybody to hate it!

Warm Regards,

Pamela Mirabelle

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Scoop! Of Brazilians Who Are Nuts about the Alameda Daily Noose and Me


The Alameda Daily Noose and I are accustomed to fan mail from every far-flung corner of our Treasured Island, but it's not every day that one of our Brazilian readers chimes in. We were pleasantly surprised recently when we received this message from an avid devotee in South America, who we imagine looks absolutely stunning in feathers:

CresceNet said...

Oi, achei seu blog pelo google está bem interessante gostei desse post. Gostaria de falar sobre o CresceNet. O CresceNet é um provedor de internet discada que remunera seus usuários pelo tempo conectado. Exatamente isso que você leu, estão pagando para você conectar. O provedor paga 20 centavos por hora de conexão discada com ligação local para mais de 2100 cidades do Brasil. O CresceNet tem um acelerador de conexão, que deixa sua conexão até 10 vezes mais rápida. Quem utiliza banda larga pode lucrar também, basta se cadastrar no CresceNet e quando for dormir conectar por discada, é possível pagar a ADSL só com o dinheiro da discada. Nos horários de minuto único o gasto com telefone é mínimo e a remuneração do CresceNet generosa. Se você quiser linkar o Cresce.Net(www.provedorcrescenet.com) no seu blog eu ficaria agradecido, até mais e sucesso. If is possible add the CresceNet(www.provedorcrescenet.com) in your blogroll, I thank. Good bye friend.

December 9, 2007 11:05 AM

It's been a few years since we were in Rio, so our Portuguese is a little rusty, but it's clear that our new friend finds our investigative reporting both interesting and enjoyable. He is apparently able to access it through Crisco.Net, which is the South American equivalent of the Interweb especially for those who are into cooking with delicious shortening. People in more than 2,100 cities in Brazil are willing to pay us 20 cents an hour to read the kind of journalistic masterpieces that are otherwise hard to come by in the wilds of the Amazon. We are glad that we can provide them with that opportunity, and will welcome the much needed funds for the Roger Grumbel Home for Clean, Well-Behaved, Deserving Orphans from Alameda.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

"Phantom" Seeks to Undermine Alameda Civic Light Opera



Dear Mr. Grumbel:

I am writing to enlist the help of your readership, which I understand is vast, in apprehending the individual responsible for disrupting the operations of the Alameda Civic Light Opera in Alameda's Kofman Auditorium.

It all began about a year ago, when members of our company reported hearing what sounded like overwrought strains of 1980's synthesizer pop emanating from deep within the bowels of the theater. Later, a series of increasingly mysterious notes was found pinned up around the hall, full of runaway underlining, spurious "quotation marks," unexpected italics, Odd Capitalization, ALL CAPITALS, and even "combinations" THEREOF. These rambling missives threatened the A.C.L.O. with ruin if we did not "pay back what [we] owe," apparently in recompense for some tragic event that befell this individual many years ago. The formal tone of the notes only imperfectly masked the writer's vehement disdain for all of the A.C.L.O.'s efforts.

In our defense, I must point out that the A.C.L.O. has suffered a series of unexpected hardships that have affected our ability to fund quality performances. After viewing a hard-hitting investigative report of damage from flooding due to burst pipes in the Alameda Museum, the A.C.L.O. decided to inspect its basement as a precautionary measure. First we discovered a long hallway illuminated by a series of non-standard lighting fixtures. Then we nearly stepped in a pile of…evidence that a large animal of some kind was being quartered in one of the subterranean chambers. Finally, the plumber we hired was alarmed to discover huge quantities of water—almost like an underground river—in a previously unexplored sub-basement deep beneath Kofman Auditorium. The poor plumber was startled by a blast of synthesizer music followed by sinister laughter and a haunting voice crying out for repayment of some terrible debt. Just before he dropped his flashlight and fled the scene, he could have sworn he saw something not unlike a barge floating in the murky water.

The public can rest assured, however, that the A.C.L.O. will take precautions to prevent moisture and rogue animals from damaging performance facilities, and that the lighting fixtures will be brought up to code as soon as possible, despite the great expense. Furthermore, it is not true, as rumors have suggested, that the company is in danger of running out of sopranos. Only a few of our lead singers have, in fact, disappeared, and our talented understudies have always proved themselves more than equal to the task of stepping in on short notice.

We urge anyone with information about what some have called a "phantom" presence in the basement of Kofman Auditorium to contact the A.C.L.O. at 864-2256.

Sincerely Yours,
Len "Bossman" Paris, on behalf of the A.C.L.O. Board of Directors

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Scoop! Startling Footage Smuggled Out of Bushy-Tailed Terrorist Training Camp


Roger,

This documentary on the coming Rodent invasion is very scary. The newsteam infiltrates a Squirrel Terrorist Training Camp and provides some startling footage. The determination of these mangy threats is admirable while also disturbing. The story then follows the Terrorists right to the shores of one our nations biggest cities. This is why we need Measure Acorn, to stop the Squirrel insurgency.

Windemere Blovias

Monday, December 10, 2007

Inaction Alameda's Report Card on Inaction Alameda's Report Card on Alameda's Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

Rog,

It is important for members of our community to recognize worthy achievements within the community, wherever they may be found. That is why Inaction Alameda has spent long hours to put together a Report Card evaluating last week's Report Card on Alameda's Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, which, coincidentally, was also authored by Inaction Alameda. It's available here:

REPORT CARD

Thorough Research
A+

Hard-Hitting Analysis
A+

Fair and Balanced Objectivity
A+

Modesty
A+

Not Muddying the Water with "Facts"
A+

Alamedaness
A++

Rog, I hope you will continue your soon-to-be-award-winning investigative reporting on boondoggles such as the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates in downtown mainland Alameda which is attached to the historic and minimally-refurbished Alameda Theatre. I have a feeling that there might be an "A+" with a shiny gold star in your future!

Dave Williamson

Friday, December 7, 2007

Inaction Alameda's Report Card Gives 5 "F"s to Alameda's Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

Rog,

Does anybody remember the Great Depression? This is the direction our current Mayor is taking us on - down a path where ultimately we will have to roll wheelbarrows full of money down to Ole's Gruel and Hardtack Hovel just to buy a single pat of butter. It's unconscionable.

Don't believe me? Read our report card on the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. It's available here:

REPORT CARD

Height
F

Number of Parking Spaces
F

Ownership and Operation
F

Vertical Columns and Shear Walls
F

Concrete Masonry Units (CMU)
F

We are not making this up! All of it is based on supporting documentation provided by the City of Alameda itself, right here in this so-called "fact" sheet and these supposed "minutes" of a quote-unquote "council meeting" held earlier this year. We, too, are amazed that the City would leave this kind of explosive stuff just lying around, considering how bad it makes them look. Perhaps if they weren't such a bunch of incompetent boobs they would have anticipated that Inaction Alameda would use the data to give them this scathing indictment.

Does this phenomenal carelessness prove that democracy is crumbling beneath our feet, and our community is about to plunge into a dark age in which citizens are all herded into work gangs and made to haul huge concrete blocks into place to build towering pyramids in honor of the very officials that some of us so foolishly "elected" not long ago? Possibly.

Dave Williamson

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Milhous K. "Grrr" Sanka Defends His, Um, Friend


My Fair, Balanced Editor:

How fortunate that Walter Drib has provided me with an opportunity to refute the claims that I exaggerate about the Sun-Blotting intentions of our City government. I have – never, not even once, exaggerated in my life – and I am not prone to making blanket statements of any kind without being absolutely sure that I am 110% correct in my beliefs.

First Mr. Drib makes all kinds of salacious suggestions about my relationship with a certain former Ennui Board member whose name I shall not sully by dragging poor Marlene into this tawdry affair. I assure Mr. Drib that this person and I are merely Good Friends, nothing more. I will have Mr. Drib know that the rumors he has heard are groundless. If he must know, I was visiting her sick mother. She was sick for quite some time, and to this day she suffers frequent relapses, the Poor Dear. I ask him, does he begrudge me the fact that I accepted Miss Verloren's, er, I mean, this person's generous offer of breakfast and a cigarette after one or two of these extended Sympathy Calls?

And I believe that Mr. Drib is entirely mistaken in his opinion of a certain former Ennui Board member's worthiness. There is no one better qualified to serve on that board than Marlene, I mean that unnamed person – is, and her lack of attendance at meetings was proof of that. Anyone with even a passing familiarity with the concept of "ennui" would understand that arriving bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for each and every one of these tedious, banal exercises in Bureaucracy known as "meetings" – when one could instead be sitting in a dark cafe sipping Absinthe, chain smoking and contemplating the utter futility of Existence, would demonstrate that one was entirely unfit to serve on the Ennui Board.

Milhous K. "Grrr" Sanka

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Walter Drib's Open Letter to Milhous K. "Grrr" Sanka Re: Creation of a "Solar Panel"

Editor,

As someone who has served on the City's Ennui Board for several years, I object to Milhouse K. "Grr" Sanka's description of boards and commissions in general as "useless," and further implying that their being useless is necessarily a bad thing. One ought to be leery of anything that is too useful, after all, as I know well from my efforts on the Ennui Board to prevent excessive change in Alameda.

The formation of boards and commissions is a well-recognized means of delaying many types of possible change, so I am hard-pressed to understand why Mr. Sanka would object to a new one, unless perhaps he is still resentful on behalf of a certain former Ennui Board member who is close to him. If this former member had attended some of the meetings, maybe she would still be on the board.

Mr. Sanka's accusations regarding plans to blot out the sun are undoubtedly grossly exaggerated, and influenced heavily by his continued bitterness over the Ennui Board incident.

Walter Drib

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

5:02 a.m.: Milhous K. "Grrr" Sanka's Open Letter to Mayor and Councilmembers

My Dear, Honorable, Elected Officials:

Recently I became aware of a Sinister Plan being promoted by Alameda Power & Telecom to create yet another useless City Board and/or Commission called the "Solar Panel," which would erect an Infernal Machine to blot out the sun and then charge our homeowners outrageous rates for electricity to light our domiciles, to say nothing of cable television and interweb videos to watch during those long days of permanent darkness. In fact, the foundation for the Sun-Blotting Device to be controlled by the "Solar Panel" is already in place, ingeniously disguised as a combination parking garage and Zeppelin port. How do I know this? I know this because I read about it in an objective and soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper – not in one of those local fish wraps and dog trainers run by interlopers with preset convictions – and no history of life in our great city. So, without further adieu:

1. I urge you, My Sweet, Tender, Elected Officials, not to open the so-called "Pandora's Box" by approving the creation of this "Solar Panel." Once the "Pandora's Box" is opened, it's very difficult to get "Pandora" back inside. And as I mentioned earlier, the foundation of the Sun-Blotting Device is already in place, which leaves only the opening of the so-called "Box" between us and Certain Doom. Do we want a bunch of non-elected Pencil-Necked Bureaucrats controlling our Sun? Hardly! Read on.

2. Some have alleged that my concern over the "Solar Panel" has become a personal Crusade, my "so-called goal in life." What blundering idiots! My goal(s) in my life, after treading this planet for nearly as many years as there are words in one of my shorter Grumpy Letters to the Editor, surely have been/are/undoubtedly shall remain greater in magnitude than that which you would otherwise assume.

3. My verified career accomplishments – intramural, interpersonal and interdepartmental are manifold – I have eaten Squirrels for breakfast, I have defended Grand St. against none other than John…Knox…White, I have been to the Gates of Hell and back and I have even been to Oakland.

4. My unverified career accomplishments – interstate, international and intergalactic, including defeating a horde of bagpiping "Measure Angus" opponents with one hand tied behind my back and no earplugs, traveling as a Soldier of Fortune to war-torn lands and Parking in Front of the Houses of Infamous Dictators and negotiating a peace treaty with an army of hostile alien invaders will attest to the fact that my energies have been/are/always will be devoted to protecting Truth, Justice and the Alamedan Way – not abusing them.

5. Wait, what was I talking about again?

6. Oh right, the "Solar Panel." Let me add, I did not seek publicity on my efforts and success. Well, other than the multiple Grumpy Letters to the Editor I wrote to one fair and balanced and soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper. Oh, and other than that one front-page story in the Alameda Puppy Trainer. To this day, few know of my efforts other than the Alameda Daily Noose and Rog. Accordingly, I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the honors and accolades you undoubtedly wish to bestow upon me.

7. Not even if you beg me.

8. Well, OK, maybe if you really grovel and put your heart into it.

Milhous K. "Grrr" Sanka

Monday, December 3, 2007

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland Says One Good Tern Deserves Another…But Three's an OUTRAGE!

Roger,

How can citizens just stand by while the developers of Alameda Point are planning to exploit the Least Tern Density Bonus to turn our island into a nightmare of San Francisco style high-rise wildlife preservation? Would YOU want to live next door to a 200-unit subsidized Tern nesting facility? Think of the noise! And no parked car would be safe in that neighborhood, unless you could afford the astronomical car-washing bills. Some of us love our families too much to spend that much money cleaning Least Tern leavings off of our cars.

There is already more Tern traffic in Alameda than anywhere else in the Bay Area. Enough is enough! If people want to provide living space for Least Terns at the Point, they can build single, or at most, double nesting spots, but stacking Terns on top of each other is inhumane both for the Terns and for us! I am OUTRAGED that anyone would even imagine suggesting that we sacrifice our way of life to satisfy the avian accomodation industry, colloquially known as "Big Bird."

They say birds of a feather flock together…but let them do it somewhere else!

Yours in Outrage,
Donald Kirkland

Friday, November 30, 2007

Brenda Snook Waffles Between Coffee and Hardtack

Editor,

I know Marlene does her homework when it comes to places in Alameda that are worth going to, so I usually take her word for these things without thinking. But this time, one thing did cross my mind. I think maybe she's exaggerating a little about Ole's Gruel and Hardtack Hovel being the only place to eat. I usually go to Gym's Coffee Clutch where there's plenty of free parking, but they strike me as both being very good eating places. I like gruel, I like coffee, I like waffles, I like Gym's collection of old exercise equipment and historic sweat socks hanging on the wall, I'm not too keen on that Benedict stuff that they put on the eggs, seems kind of shifty, I'm not sure if you can trust it, but I don't really see much wrong with either place.

Brenda Snook

Editor's Comments: Anyone who's been in Alameda for more than five years knows that there is no middle way between the Coffee Clutch and the Hardtack Hovel. You either like one or the other. Claiming to like both just shows that you are trying to have your hardtack and eat it, too. Brenda Snook just needs to figure out what side she is on, and then dig in her heels (as long as she chooses the correct side, that is).

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Marlene Verloren Sees No Point in New Restaurants

Dear Roger,

What is the point of new restaurants opening in town? Everyone knows that there is only one place worth eating at, and that is Ole's Gruel and Hardtack Hovel. Things were so much better when the Hovel was the only thing open on Sunday mornings. There is so much traffic now, and so many people taking up parking spaces, that my friends and I cannot all find parking within ten feet of the entrance when we meet there. If it were not for the delicious and reasonably priced Buttered Hard Gruel, I might just stay home, but instead I keep struggling through the awful crowds to eat there. What else can I do?

Marlene Verloren

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Some Perfectly Fair Questions About Alameda Point

The Alameda Daily Noose and I received an anonymous tip informing us that there is a shadowy "push poll" being conducted on the future of Alameda Point, colloquially known as "Alameda Point." Normally we would condemn this kind of nefarious activity, but after reading the fair and balanced questions, we feel compelled to bring the survey to the attention of all Right-Thinking Alamedans:

1. Don't you think that it would be better to leave Alameda Point as a big empty space, or, better yet, a place for people from out of town to fly their model airplanes?

2. Would you rather that the future of Alameda Point be placed in the hands of Evil Developers from Out of Town, who would like nothing better than to tie up our Treasured Island and have their way with her, or would you prefer it to be placed in the hands of kind, gentle, Right-Thinking Alamedans?

3. Should that Manhattanite, John…Knox…White, be tarred, feathered, or both?

4. What are your top complaints about the potential redevelopment of Alameda Point? Please rank the following choices from 1 to 5:


  • Traffic.

  • Traffic.

  • Traffic.

  • Traffic.

  • TRAFFIC!


5. Wouldn't you have to be some kind of an idiot to support so-called Tartan Oriented Development at Alameda Point, knowing full well that it might be your children who are exposed to Bagpipe music every night, and knowing that Scotsmen might be parking in front of your house?

6. Measure Acorn, colloquially known as "Measure Acorn": great measure, or greatest measure?

7. Is it not untrue that trees beget Squirrels, and Squirrels beget mayhem, and therefore, tree density should continue to be limited by "Measure Acorn" at Alameda Point?

8. If Chuck Corica were alive today, wouldn't you agree that He would be disgusted by any plans for Alameda Point that did not consist entirely of a golf course, and wouldn't you be a sorry excuse for an Alameda citizen—ignorant of our Treasured Island's history and not fit to kiss its soiled golf shoes—if you thought otherwise?

9. Don't you hate surveys that don't have a nice, tidy, round number of questions?

10. Don't you love it when the handsome, intelligent writers of a survey insert a completely unnecessary, totally uninformative question at the end, even though there's no more information to be gleaned, just to make a nice, tidy, round number of questions?

Please record your answers on a standard 5" by 5" cocktail napkin and submit them to Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters by Tuesday, December 4, 2007. All of the results we like will be tabulated and published whenever we are darned well good and ready.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Gargantuan Church Towers Blot Out View of Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates


Going…

Going…

Gone!

Hi, Rog,

My car was in the shop, so I was walking the two blocks from my nail salon on Park St. back to my house. I made extra sure to walk along Central Ave. so I would get a good view of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates over my shoulder as I walked along. I like to curse the structure as I go, the vigorous complaining makes my walk so much more enjoyable.

Anyway, you can imagine my surprise when I saw these huge, gargantuan towers looming up, blocking my view of the object of my scorn! Worse yet, the farther away I walked, the higher the towers rose, until finally the entire Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates was completely shielded from my withering stare! My complaints were all bottled up inside me, and I tell you, that isn't very comfortable.

Why wasn't I informed that there was a huge church in my neighborhood? I didn't get any notices in the mail, or stapled to my door, or presented to me by my elected officials, or printed on my breakfast cereal box, which is the only thing I read, anyway. Does the City think we're too stupid to ever figure it out?

Something ought to be done about it. We can't have people going around putting up huge churches on every corner, interfering with the daily routines of derision carried out by Right-Thinking Alamedans like me.

Mabelle Spayce-Teleskop

Monday, November 26, 2007

Scoop! Restores Harmony to Alameda Daily Noose and Me

Once again, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have scooped all of the other major news media by getting the huge scoop shown in the exclusive Alameda Daily Noose photo above. If you're a dog owner, you'll want to run like a greyhound to your local hardware store to pick up this miraculous new invention that has already made life much easier for the Alameda Daily Noose and me. This wonder device not only makes walking our faithful canine companion, Scoop, a pleasure, it also helped bring the Alameda Daily Noose and me back together after our little Thanksgiving spat. As we shared the old, familiar thrill of getting a scoop this big, my heart softened; I smiled and said to the Alameda Daily Noose, "Aw, shucks, I can't stay mad at you!"

Friday, November 23, 2007

No Noose Is Good Noose

As usual, the Alameda Daily Noose and I spent Thanksgiving together with our extended families, who traveled from all over Alameda to spend this joyous holiday complaining, arguing, and fighting amongst ourselves. Mid-way through Thanksgiving dinner, the Alameda Daily Noose and I got into a heated discussion over the proper way to pass the gravy boat. Unfortunately, tempers flared, old wounds were re-opened, and glasses of fruit-forward Californa Chardonnay were hurled into handsome faces. As a result of this litle spat, today's issue will not be published. Although we are not speaking at the moment, the Alameda Daily Noose and I expect to have things patched up in time for Monday's edition.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Former City Council Candidate Is Thankful to Have So Much to Complain About

Editor,

I know you count on me to supply you with high-quality complaining on a fairly frequent basis, but even the best of us have to take a vacation in honor of Thanksgiving. For one day a year, we must all set aside our vigilant grumping and count our blessings instead, so I am going to devote this letter to all of the things that I have to be thankful for.

This Thanksgiving, I am glad, as usual, that I have a wonderful family to help carry on the complaining traditions. I'm also thankful for my beautiful house and my health, which, if you pay any attention to those "doctors" going on about "cancer risks," you'd think I wouldn't still be walking around which, by the way, I plan to do for another half a century or so, thank you very much. So I think that's three things that I have to be thankful for.

Of course, as long as I'm writing, I should mention one small thing that has been on my mind, which is the lack of parking at my favorite movie theater. Don't people have enough other things to do that they have to be going to the movies all the time? The few times a year that I decide there's something that might be worth paying those outrageous ticket prices for, everybody else goes on that very same day, and it's just impossible! There are too many people around in general, and not enough entertainment, because I'm certainly not going to go and sit through some "opera" for fun, which I don't know why anyone would ever do that, unless maybe it's the kind of people who think it's okay to plant trees everywhere until our entire town is overrun with Squirrels, and that we should all get our kicks from watching Squirrels destroy our lawns with their so-called "acorns," until the whole town is just like that big Central Park in the middle of Brooklyn! That's not what we want in Alameda.

Thank you.

Former City Council Candidate

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Dave Williamson Sat Through Every Disgusting Frame of New Videos on the Interweb

Editor:

I recently became aware from a uh, um, source that there is a new video on the interweb in circulation that mocks various participants in the city that the source just plain doesn't like. And I should know, because I sat through every disgusting frame of this film…twice! Of course it is childish, crude, utterly reprehensible and must be condemmed, so I'm not going to tell you where it is on the interweb. Not even if you ask me nicely and say please with a cherry on top. I will say though, hands-down this video is by far funnier than anything I have read on the B.L.O.G.S., it is so funny that I know the comedy writers for Two and a Half Men will be kicking down my door...I mean...the video creator's door begging me...I mean HIM to come work for them. Maybe those other not-so-funny people that I am funnier than can get the writers from Everybody Loves Raymond since they must be out of work anyway to help with their material.

Dave Williamson

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Scoop! of Booze: New Cocktail Honors Alameda Daily Noose and Me

A local drinking establishment recently joined the swelling ranks of Alamedans lining up to bestow honors on the Alameda Daily Noose and me. On November 16 the so-called Tiki Lounge, which we believe is known as "Prohibited Peninsula," added a cocktail called the Journalist to its menu.

Like its namesake, this drink is classy, strong, and virile. It combines all the sourness of lemon juice and the dry wit of vermouth, with a healthy dash of bitters thrown in for good measure. It is served straight up, just like our news, scoops, and investigative reports. The cocktail is garnished with laurel leaves, which we modestly removed and placed upon our brows before snapping the exclusive Alameda Daily Noose photo above. We fully expect that this new drink will prove as popular as our reportage, retaining a place of honor on the menu for years to come.

Monday, November 19, 2007

College Kids Hail Avian Hero in Global War on Squirrels

Last week, the Alameda Daily Noose and I had the honor of receiving yet another gee-mail message from none other than Marc Albert of Tijuana Brass Band fame:


From: marc albert
Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2007 1:48 PM
To: Roger Grumbel
Subject: Alameda's savior

Perhaps all the local peaceniks can be pushed aside. What we need to save Alameda is a real hawk for our War on Squirrels

http://media.www.thelantern.com/media/storage/paper333/news/2007/11/13/Campus/South.OvalKill-3097245.shtml


Apparently, an entire college campus somewhere in Ohio, which the Alameda Daily Noose and I understand is a Midwestern state famous for its potatoes, was being terrorized by a Squirrel that, no doubt due to exposure to gamma radiation in one of the institution's research labs, had mutated into some kind of hideous genetic freak. Thankfully, the beast's reign of terror was cut short by a true avian hero, an ordinary hawk that somehow managed to fell the monster, as shown in the exclusive Alameda Daily Noose photo above. Immediately after the incident, there was a great outpouring of support from the student body, as documented on one of those so-called My-Face pages on the interwebs that the kids today are so fond of.

On behalf of our grateful readers the Alameda Daily Noose and I thank you, Mr. Albert, for taking time out from your illustrious musical career to inform us of this great victory in the Global War on Squirrels.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Former City Council Candidate Will Teach Pesky Neighborhood Residents Not to Interfere with Her Driving


Editor,

I am fuming mad about the big, round, concrete thingamajig that was recently installed in my neighborhood about five years ago. Who ever thought that planting some flowers in the middle of that street, and making us all drive around it to get anywhere, would slow down speeders? My car does not handle curves well, and I am getting sick of having to adjust the steering wheel every few seconds just to get down the street. Once I finally get out of that maze, I end up having to drive faster to make up for lost time.

I don't know who to blame for this transportation disaster, but I will show them. I am going to stop driving down the street that has that curb obstructing it, and let me tell you, I don't even care that it has my favorite color of petunias planted in it, I am so mad.

In fact, I am so mad that when I do drive down that street in the future, which by the way won't be very often at all if I can help it, as I already said, but when I do have to drive down it, I am going to drive very slowly and stop for every pedestrian, and I will glare at them as they cross the street in front of my car, and I hope that will make them happy (which, if you can't tell, I don't really care if they or the other drivers around me are happy or not, because they are always in my way, especially when they park in front of my house).

And that reminds me, I am sick of people speeding past my house, too. Why is it that the City is so busy putting these traffic slowing things in everywhere except where they might actually do some good, which is on my street when I'm trying to sleep at night, or trying to pull out of my own driveway. I mean, do I live on a racetrack? It's like no-one is paying any attention to my problems, even though I am constantly complaining about them.

Disgustedly,
Former City Council Candidate

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Monstrous Development on the Drawing Board for Alameda Point

Rog,

I have it on good authority that a major change is in the works for our community. Plans are already being drawn up to add a dense collection of chalk images to the pavement at Alameda Point, like some forest of horizontal billboards. I'm sure that if all of the pieces of chalk art in the plans were laid end-to-end, and then raised vertically, they would undoubtedly tower over everything else in Alameda, including City Hall and every church, even if the churches themselves were stacked on top of each other! In fact, I've heard that the drawings will even be visible from space.

Special interest groups are trying to ram these plans through, but is this the kind of activity that we want our impressionable children to be involved in? Concerned parents need to step in to ensure that artwork happens on paper where it belongs, rather than being shamelessly displayed out in the open.

Dave Williamson

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Oh, the Humanity! Lon Geddoff Burned Up by Imminent Zeppelin Parking Disaster

Editor,

Thank you for your explosive exposé on the Zeppelin parking nightmare about to be visited upon our Treasured Island. I know those ponderous silver gas-bags look harmless enough, but if we start mooring them with some kind of cable and providing community access, it will allow tens—maybe even dozens—of citizens to get on board for ridiculous flights of fancy on a regular basis. Once that happens, there's no telling what kind of disaster could result if one of those drifting gas-bags should collide with something solid and well-grounded!

As soon as that new theater opens, the city is going to be bumper-to-bumper with Zeppelins. They will not only be tying up there, but also in all of the surrounding neighborhoods. I, for one, do not want Zeppelins parking on top of my house. That T.V. antenna I put up back when you first started broadcasting your show would give them just the opportunity they're looking for, but my roof is no place for people to be tromping on and off a big airship. That would really burn me up!

Now I'm not an unreasonable N.I.M.B.Y.—Not In My Back Yard. My back yard is far too small for a Zeppelin to land in, anyway. I have no problem with them as long as they are N.A.M.B.Y.—Not Above My Back Yard.

Lon Geddoff

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Dave Williamson Denounces Deceptive Real Estate Ads

Rog,

I feel it is important to call to everyone's attention to some deceptive advertising by one of Alameda's real estate companies. There is currently a cottage listed online for sale in the "Stonehedge area," whereas everyone knows that the 1920's development pictured is called "Stoneleigh." It's very distinctive, but I guess some people can get confused about anything, especially when there is a coordinated effort going on to obfuscate the truth through misinformation like the obviously altered photo below.



Compare it to this genuine photo, and it should be obvious that someone with poor Photoshop skills is trying to perpetrate a hoax, perhaps in an effort to make it appear that there is more than one group of little courtyard homes in the city of Alameda.


Not only are the letters on the "Stonehedge" sign a different size from those in the original, but the forger has misspelled the name of the fictional development! Was it just due to gross carelessness, or do they think the citizens of Alameda are not intelligent enough to recognize that "Stonehenge" is clearly a nonsensical name?

Dave Williamson

Editor's Comments:

The alteration of photos for any purpose is reprehensible. The Alameda Daily Noose never publishes any photos that have been retouched, strategically cropped, or in any way made to represent something other than the absolute truth. Whoever is responsible for the blatant changes to the photo above should be ashamed!

Monday, November 12, 2007

Scoop! Alameda Daily Noose Documents Test of Zeppelin Mooring Masts on Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

Once again, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have scooped all of the other major news media with our exclusive Pulitzer-prize-eligible Alameda Daily Noose photo (above) of Sunday evening's test of the new Zeppelin mooring masts that were recently installed atop the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. When fully operational, the facility will be able to accommodate up to six of the giant airships at one time, according to City propaganda.

The mooring masts are part of the latest trend in "Zeppelin-Oriented Development," or Z.O.D., which is all the rage among the so-called planning experts who regularly gather to plot the destruction of our cherished way of life. This unwelcome development in the already unsightly project is clearly the work of none other than our arch-nemesis, John…Knox…White and his diabolical Transit Panel. John…Knox…White's dastardly scheme is to force people out of their cars and into Zeppelins, thus turning our Treasured Island into this:Doesn't that Manhattanite John…Knox…White know that unlike New Yorkers, Alamedans love their cars, and will never tolerate big, ponderous gas-bags drifting around town, all puffed up with seemingly inexhaustible quantities of hot air?

Friday, November 9, 2007

Mammoth Squirrels Overshadow Fan Mail and Other Delights

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are well accustomed to fan mail from famous people all over Alameda, but even we were taken aback when we received a letter recently from one of our all-time favorite musical artists. None other than Marc Albert of Tijuana Brass Band fame is apparently an avid reader of our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper. In honor of the occasion, the Noose and I put on our best leisure wear and took a print-out of the letter down to the romper room to peruse while enjoying a number from our favorite album, Whipped Cream and Other Delights. In order to allow our readers to participate in this transcendent experience, we have provided an Alameda Daily Noose exclusive video of the event.

Oh, and of course we read the letter that Mr. Albert sent. In it, he alerted us to an article in one of the other major news media documenting a frightening development in the Global War on Squirrels. It seems that a youngster in La Crosse, Wisconsin, the birthplace of that game played with the funny basket thingies on sticks, was chased by a gigantic Squirrel, and escaped its horrible maw only by wrenching out the mammoth tooth that had snagged him. He is shown holding the tooth in a photo that must have been taken by his grandfather only moments after the incident. The Alameda Daily Noose and I have often warned that the Squirrel problem will only get bigger if we allow tree density to increase on our Treasured Island, and this is a sobering example of just how big that problem could be.

There but for the grace of Measure Acorn, colloquially known as "Measure Acorn," go we.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Measure Angus Champion to Take On All Comers Tonight

On Thursday, November 8, at 7 p.m., concerned Alamedan Dave Williamson will pull on his rhetorical gloves for a debate to end all debates on Alameda's Tartan-limiting Measure Angus. Mr. Williamson will, of course, be arguing in favor of Measure Angus. No-one in particular has been invited to argue the other side, but there is generally a rowdy group of auburn-haired, kilted proponents of runaway Tartan density who show up to such events.

The winner of tonight's rumble, which all Right-Thinking Alamedans already know will be Mr. Williamson, will walk away with a $10,000 purse or "sporran," as it is called by those who hate Alameda as much as they love Bagpipes. So get ready for the match of the millennium as Mr. Williamson defeats them all in a rock-'em, sock-'em, perfectly fair and completely balanced and civilized debate.

For those readers who aren't from Alameda, Measure Angus, colloquially known as "Measure Angus," is some legal dingus in the City of Alameda that saves us all from the horror of Bagpipe music, makes it safe for us to walk our dogs at night, and is the only reason we all bought houses here in the first place. For more information, attend the debate at Alameda Central Gathering Place. All cabers must be checked at the door.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

The Most Amazing Customer Service

Rog,

I have to tell you a story about the most wonderful customer service I have ever experienced. Of course, it happened right here in Alameda.

As you know, I think it's important that we shop locally and support our local Alameda businesses. So I was visiting our local Starbucks, and since it was Sunday, I thought I'd treat myself to a hot cocoa. I placed my order - and the waitress (or I think they are also called barristers) actually went above and beyond the call of duty - she asked if I'd like whipped cream on my cocoa!

What a tasty delight it was! And such customer service. She didn't HAVE to offer me whipped cream, and that little token of appreciation made all the difference in the world!

I hope that all twelve of the other Starbucks in Alameda will learn from this young lady's example and continue this fine tradition of customer service.

Warm Regards,

Alicia Chen Schnatmeyer

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Recipe for Creamy Hamburger Spud Bake

Following are highlights from a handwritten note stuffed under our door by our next-door neighbor, Mildred Bolus:

Creamy Hamburger Spud Bake

Ingredients:

2 lbs. hamburger, lightly browned
salt and pepper
chopped onion
1lb. package frozen tater tots

Directions:

Press hamburger and onion mixture in bottom of medium casserole. Sprinkle with salt and pepper (go easy with that pepper, though!). Place tater tots on top. Pour over top: one 8 oz. container sour cream diluted with 1/4 cup skim milk.

Bake 1/2 hour at 350 degrees, uncovered. Serve with ketchup.

Mildred Bolus visits the Alameda Daily Noose and me every Tuesday for tea while her husband Mort plays golf, year-round, rain or shine, at Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Chew Toy Not Lost After All

Dear Rog,

I spotted your dog's chew toy poking out from under the side hedge yesterday. Thought you might be looking for it.

Your neighbor,

Mort

Editor's comments: The Alameda Daily Noose and I have reunited our faithful canine companion and journalistic watchdog, Scoop, with his favorite toy. Scoop just loves to tear into that squeaky rubber roll that looks just like one of the local rags that call themselves "newspapers". We toss it into the yard for him to chase, urging him on with calls of "After the Fish Wrap, boy! Chew up all of that bad, bad journalism into little pieces! Kill the nasty words!" Our thanks to Mort for making it possible for us to continue our exercises in thoughtful criticism.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland Tells Viola Legume to Keep Her Peas in Her Pod!

Roger,

Viola Legume has some Nurve!

Writing about scary costumes when the very soul of our island is at stake. Just look at the photo I have attached, of a multi-family house using it's front yard as a repository for vegetable matter! It's outrageous. We're an island!

Everyone knows that 1973's Measure Acorn saved the city from being overrun by bushy-tailed rodents. This photo shows exactly why we worked so hard to pass it. Rabbit-hutch, apartment dwellings are known for leaving their vegetable matter just lying around their yards. Can you imagine what Alameda would have looked like had we not passed these Laws That Saved Our City?

Outrageou-edly yours,

Donald Kirkland

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Tracey from Julia Park Named Publisher & Executive Editor of the Alameda Puppy Trainer

On Friday, October 26, the Alameda Daily Noose and I recieved a very important press release marked "Embargoed until Nov. 1." Naturally, we were tempted to read it and publish it early, say, on Monday, October 29, caught up in the excitement like a four-year-old the night before Christmas; however, as a Noose Man in the Classic Sense I was honor-bound to put the press release in a Very Safe Place until November 1.

Unfortunately, it seems that somehow the Alameda Daily Noose and I managed to use the press release to wrap a delicious halibut we bought at that hippie grocery store. By the time we got around to frying up that fish, we weren't able to make out all that much of the press release, but as far as we can tell, some lady named Tracey, who comes from the Julia Park neighborhood of Santa Rosa, has been chosen as the new publisher and executive editor of the Alameda Puppy Trainer "newspaper."

Normally, the Alameda Daily Noose and I wouldn't trust anyone who is not from Alameda, but Tracey said something nice about us, so she must be different from most outsiders. Maybe she can teach a thing or two to those hacks at the Puppy Trainer, especially if she pays close attention to the level of journalistic integrity embodied in the Alameda Daily Noose and me. We just hope that after that long commute from Santa Rosa, she is not tempted to park in front our house. Good luck, Tracey!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Yard from Hell Is Dragging Down the Neighborhood

Editor,

Something has to be done to protect our property values from the blight that has appeared on my street. I live on Santa Clara Avenue, and I am disgusted to see the state that some neighbors allow their yards to fall into. First it's crabgrass, and then bald spots in the lawn, and before you know it, a yawning portal to Hell has opened up. I don't think I have to tell you how far that can drag down the whole neighborhood.

Now, I am not opposed to Satan, or entrances to the Underworld, but they do not belong in my back yard. A more appropriate place for such development, if it has to happen at all, is Somewhere Else. Perhaps any future Hell Mouth could be located next to the Target that is being planned for Alameda Point. We all know how important it is for Hell Mouths to have good freeway access.

Meanwhile, the Hell Mouth on Santa Clara has got to go. I insist that the City Council do something immediately to keep my home from dropping severely in value, which will almost certainly happen if the Hell Mouth opens up much wider, and my home drops into it.

Cindy Sherman

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Ed A. Fauvre Suffers Nightmare of Pedestrian Safety

Editor,

Yesterday, I returned to my home to find that an alteration had been made to the intersection at the corner on which I live. Now, with every turning of the traffic light, a pallid figure glowed ominously from within the black box mounted on a similarly coal-hued pole. Yet, almost as soon as this ghostly vision had appeared, it was replaced by a glowing hand, orange and searing as the flames of perdition. I hurried to the safety of my front door, and closed it against this unwelcome sight.

At once I telephoned the City. I asked why this monstrous contraption must impose almost upon my very doorstep, and how long I must bear it. The answer dashed my hopes, as it was revealed that the box was there to stay, in the name of some barbaric god called Safety.

Through the long evening that followed, I sat in my darkened living room, the rubber band sorting boxes, which normally afford me many a diverting hour, lying neglected before me. The open curtains admitted not only the familiar glow of streetlights, but also a thin beam of preternatural orange, alternating with deathly white. Every shift in this intrusive glare produced a sickening sensation upon my heart, as of the weight of a cold hand pressing against it.

At last, I sought relief in sweet oblivion and retired to my bed. Yet scarcely had my head found the comfort of a downy pillow when a peculiar sound impressed itself upon my consciousness. So faint it was, that I thought at first my wearied mind was playing tricks. It was as if some distant songbird were giving voice to dolorous plaints of yore, and then falling starkly silent. Such sounds had no place in the black of night, when songbirds rest as we do. But again and again the ritual repeated itself with unholy precision. What creature of the night was this that kept me from my rest?

Nerves on the stretch, I rose and sought the source of this unnatural emanation. As I approached my front door, the sound rose in volume, though always at an unvarying pitch. A horrid certainty seized me, even as I reached to open the door, but there was no turning back. In a moment, my fears were all confirmed. Sound and light conspired in unmistakable synchrony. Oh, woeful fate! Nevermore shall I know peace! It was plain to me at last what sound had banished sleep: it was the chirping of that sinister signal!

Ed A. Fauvre

Monday, October 29, 2007

Halloween Too Scary

Editor,

I'm concerned that Halloween has gotten too far from its roots as a pleasant harvest holiday. Although many of my neighbors have cheery orange pumpkins decorating their porches, I've noticed that some of them seem to have faces cut into them. This seems strange to me, especially since some of the faces look more angry than happy. Maybe it's just the decorator's lack of skill, but I am suspicious.

I am also suspicious of the motives behind some of the costumes that parents are allowing children to choose for this fall festival. Lately, there just aren't enough friendly scarecrows, jolly beanpoles, and corn princesses going door to door to share in the symbolic bounty. I did see one young man with an appropriate agricultural implement last year, but his plain, black, hooded robe did nothing to convey the richness of fall colors, and I would think it would be difficult for a field hand to see what he was scything with that hood in the way. If he'd actually been bringing in the wheat, I would have been afraid that he might cut himself by accident.

Sometimes, it almost seems like kids are trying to look tough or scary in the costumes they choose. Parents need to remember to pay attention to what kids are wearing when they leave the house, because Halloween is no time for frightening anyone.

Another thing that scares me about this holiday is the poor quality of treats that many people hand out. I always take great care in selecting the shrink-wrapped produce and unshelled nuts that I bestow on merry-makers, but I could swear that I've seen whole piles of sugary candy in their little treat bags. Some supposedly responsible adults must be cutting corners, and it frightens me to think what those children will have to face next time they go to the dentist.

With only a few days to go, I want to remind our community to respect tradition more. Please, everyone, let's take the scariness out of Halloween this year, and ensure a healthy, vegetable-oriented celebration for all.

Sincerely yours,
Viola Legume

Friday, October 26, 2007

The real Culprits

Roger,

I was driving past catastrophe and used my "camera" to take a picture of it. I was excited enough about successfully using my "camera" to take a picture and then to actually see it on my computer that I am sending it to you!

The photo clearly shows the excitement of a fire in an apartment building in Alameda. As you know, Alameda currently disallows multi-units, like apartment buildings, to be constructed. One of the many reasons that voters decided to do this, was because multiple units can catch on fire, as proven by this photo of a fire engine, parked in front of it, while responding to what appears to have been a fire.

Clearly measure A protects us from conflagrations like the ones they are having in Southern California where they have movie stars and multiple units, sometimes even mixing together! Imagine what would have happened if the voters haven't passed Measure A, the entire island might be fire causing apartment buildings.

You're the best journalist ever,

Jeremy Ronalsi

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Perfectly Fair Questions About Alameda's Future

Rog,

Here are some questions for the would-be developers of Alameda Point:

Have you ever tried to run through the Caldecott tunnel while it is full of Squirrels? I didn't think so. And yet, that is exactly the scenario that Alameda commuters will be facing if unrestrained implementation of tree plans are allowed to go forward.

Also, who will be willing to live or work at Alameda Point, given that the current levels of Squirrel traffic are almost unbearable, and any further tree development will only exacerbate the situation, leading to a nightmare of cultural complicity and despair that will force us to enlist the help of a professional high-tech Squirrel control firm like the one mentioned in the chilling video above?

Finally, have you ever tried to scream for help with an acorn shoved down your windpipe? No? Well, then, exactly how do you sleep at night knowing that you are placing hundreds of families—many of which include adorable children—in exactly that sort of peril?

These are all fair questions. In fact, I would even say they are gorgeous. I wrote them myself.

Dave Williamson

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Clara Butler-Frisby Opposes Legalized Gambling for Kindergarteners

Dear Editor:

As a prominent member of a group of concerned Alamedans, I was apalled to see the headline of yesterday's Alameda Fish Wrap about some ill-advised scheme to get young children hooked on gambling, starting out with a lottery. Naturally, I oppose any sort of gambling, due to its inevitable association with buses. Now, I know that unlike casino gambling, lotteries don't usually involve buses, but I'm sure lotteries are just the beginning. Next it will be baby bingo, toddler slots, junior poker and God-knows-what-else. Is that what we want for our community's children? Kiddie keno? Is that what it will take for people to wake up?

Of course, my own children are grown, and so will never even have the opportunity to participate in this proposed kindergarten lottery, so I don't see why anyone else's children should get to play. I mean, supposing my neighbor's child wins thousands of dollars that my children never had a chance at, both because there was no lottery when they were in kindergarten, and because I wouldn't have allowed them to gamble even if the option had been available to them. Would that be unfair? Well, as my grandfather always used to say, "Are bears Catholic? And what is the Pope doing in the woods?"

Clara Butler-Frisby

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Blitz Donnerwetter Narrowly Misses in his Prediction for Yesterday's Weather

Alamedan Blitz Donnerwetter, "The World's Greatest Weather Forecaster", who does weather forecasts on KARP radio, and is a regular guest on the Rog Grumbel TV Show, erred in his prediction that it would rain in Alameda at precisely 6:30 a.m. yesterday. Actually, it did not rain in Alameda at precisely 6:30 a.m. In fact, it did not rain at all.


Normally, the Alameda Daily Noose and I would jump right down the throat of any so-called expert who made some kind of mistake, no matter how small; however, since Mr. Donnerwetter reguarly comes on our show and says nice things about us, we will instead point out that although it did not technically rain, the humidity did reach its maximum value at 6:30 a.m. yesterday, and that should be close enough for any right-thinking Alamedan who's not into splitting hairs like some kind of latte-sipping, Volvo-driving, sushi-eating effete intellectual type who's not even from Alameda.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Blitz Donnerwetter Predicts Rain Today

Alamedan Blitz Donnerwetter, "The World's Greatest Weather Forecaster", who does weather forecasts on KARP radio, and is a regular guest on the Rog Grumbel TV Show, predicts that it will rain in Alameda at precisely 6:30 a.m. today.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Sean Knocks Wight

Editor,

As I'm sure your readers already know, Alameda is the greatest island in the world. I recently vacationed on another island, the Isle of Wight, and let me tell you, there is no comparison. Although the Isle of Wight, much like Alameda, is an island famous for its grand Victorians, including Alfred Lord Tennyson and Princess Beatrice, such assets are overshadowed by the many problems afflicting Wight.

For starters, there are way too many tourists there. We should be glad that Alameda doesn't attract outsiders at that rate. Even the lack of bridges doesn't seem to keep them away from the Isle of Wight!

But it gets worse. Inhabitants of the Isle of Wight not only play Bagpipes, they also produce them. Can you imagine what the Bagpipe traffic on our streets would be like if Alameda allowed that kind of commercial activity?

And of course, wherever there are bagpipes, you will also find Squirrels. Amazingly, people on the Isle of Wight not only allow this dangerous state of affairs to continue, they actively encourage growth of the Squirrel population! As you can see in my vacation photo above, I spent my entire trip in fear of running afoul of one of Wight's notorious Red Squirrels. I never saw one, but I'm not sure that they didn't see me. I can only hope that none of those bushy-tailed terrorists followed me home to Alameda.

Oh, it's so good to be back. I wouldn't recommend the Isle of Wight as a vacation spot for any Alamedan, unless maybe that guy who runs the Transport Ministry - I can never remember his name. Of course, if people like him had had their way, they would probably have knocked down all of the grand Victorians and replaced them with high-density housing, thus depriving English literature of one of its greatest poets and, more tragically, making Wight's woeful traffic even worse.

Sean O'Doherty

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Han Woks Night

The 2,213th annual Han Woks Night will be held tonight, giving diners a chance to take a wok on the wild side by sampling some of the finest Chinese cuisine our Treasured Island has to offer. For one special night only, famous chefs will be flown in from all over Alameda to compete for the coveted Golden Wok.

Han Woks Night takes its name from the Han Dynasty, which ruled Alameda from 206 B.C. to 220 A.D. It is commonly considered to be one of the greatest periods in the history of Alameda, surpassed only by the current Golden Age ushered in by the passage of Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" in 1971.

The superstar chefs in tonight's competition will be judged on their ability to create dishes in the following categories, each of which embodies an aspect of the perfection that is Alameda Chinese food:

1. Oiliest noodles.
2. Starchiest sauce.
3. Mildest Kung Pao chicken.
4. Most authentic chop suey.
5. Vegetables least tainted by "flavor."
6. Rice most suitable for use as a building material.

Sadly, some more recent additions to Alameda's Chinese restaurant scene, such as that new place next door to the hippie grocery store, have abandoned the 2,213-year-old traditions of Han Woks Night in favor of quote-unquote upscale interpretations of traditional Alameda Chinese dishes. While such places might be favored by soulless yuppies like that Harry Potter look-alike who heads up the Transit Committee—what's his name again?—all right-thinking Alamedans reject this base corruption of our glorious heritage. What, you mean there's no plastic tub of plum sauce on the table? Shame!

For those who know good Alameda Chinese food, tickets are $20.00 in advance and $25.00 the night of the event. Advance tickets are available at Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters, located on the Big Island of Alameda. For more information phone 522-2208.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Swan Flock's Plight

Concerned residents of Alameda's Marina Village are in a flap over the predicament of the swans that frequent the development's artificial ponds. "I bought my house here solely for the brilliant white swans I saw in the pond. Well, that and Alameda's Squirrel-limiting 'Measure Acorn.'" explained long-time resident Madge Kerfuffle. "Lately, the swans have been more of a charcoal gray. I don't have any so-called evidence to back this up, but I'm just sure it's due to all of the dirty politics in this town, particularly that Manhattanite musician on the Traffic Board. What's his name again? Anyway, if this problem isn't fixed immediately, we homeowners demand to be compensated for the drop in our property values. We're not sure the City Council realizes this, but we pay taxes, the very taxes that feather their cushy nests! I am madder than a wet hen about all of this blatant swan-dirtying corruption, and there's no way I'm going to let them duck the issue."

Fortunately, help is on the way. As you can see in the Alameda Daily Noose photo above, employees of Alameda's newly created Department of Animal Sanitation Services are hard at work soaking the soiled swans in Palmolive® brand dishwashing liquid. Homeowners were taken aback by the City's quick response. The Mayor explained: "Normally, instead of taking action we would hold a secret meeting in a smoke-filled back room in order to hatch a scheme to cover something like this up. However, once a couple of homeowners stood up and delivered the shock news that they actually pay taxes, we knew our goose was cooked. We formed the Department of Animal Sanitation Services the next day, using that big pot of their property tax money we discovered under the table in the back room. There goes our nest egg!"

Monday, October 15, 2007

East End or Eastendsterdam?

Alert Alamedans may have noticed a disturbing trend in Alameda's Desirable East End. It's not just that some lawns there have been replaced with suspiciously foreign looking groundcover and dangerously tall shrubs, or that the part of our Treasured Island east of Broadway is home to at least one known musician (who is not a polka player), but certain individuals in the East End have recently been caught setting a bad example for the next generation. That's right, we are at risk of having our vulnerable youth grow up believing that it's okay to use a bicycle as transportation.

Every right-thinking Alamedan knows that bicycles are purely recreational. When used strictly for fun, they pose no threat. However, when people who become dependent on bikes, using them on a daily basis and even taking them to work or school, their lives and their health can change completely. It has become clear that in Alameda's East End, there are those who not only use bicycles themselves, but are also selling them to others in quantities to large to be explained as for recreational purposes only. People who sell bicycles often find themselves using their ill-gotten profits to buy more bicycles for themselves, which then forces them to sell more to feed their growing habit, developing what is widely known as a vicious cycle. Don't let this happen to your loved ones. Have a talk with your children today about the dangers of inappropriate bicycle use.

Some Crazy Lady Has the Gall to Ask Silly, Insulting Questions

Editor,

Can you please clarify something for me? I am confused as to which source of Alameda news I love the most, because I am having trouble comparing them. Your noosepaper is not justified on both sides of each column the way that the printed papers are, which makes it look too different from them. On the other hand, I can't seem to make the print papers stay vertical as well as yours does. On the other hand, those print papers are much better for making paper hats. On the other hand, your noosepaper never gets ink on my other hand. How am I supposed to figure out which one I should read?

By the way, do you ever cover Squirrels in your noosepaper?

Perplexedly,
Elsie Eider

Editor's Comments: The Alameda Daily Noose and I are shocked—shocked!—that anyone would claim that our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper is "not justified." We don't have to justify anything to anyone! Everybody knows that the so-called newspapers in this town aren't fit to wrap the fish, line the bird cages, swat the flies, or train the puppies of the Alameda Daily Noose and me. As for Squirrels, we don't just cover them, we bury them…six feet under! We are left to wonder whether or not Mrs. Eider—if that is her real name—even lives in Alameda at all. Shame!

Friday, October 12, 2007

Ferry Takeover Includes Renaming of Ferries after Don Perata


The Alameda Daily Noose and I have learned that, while the City Council debates the takeover of ferry services around the Bay Area by a new state bureaucracy, work is already underway in renaming the Ferries themselves after State Senator Supreme, Don "Don" Perata.

Our reporter spoke to boat-painter Matt Harmon as he was just finishing repainting the names on the vessels. "I don't know, I just got the orders to repaint the names this morning, I figured it had been approved already," said the painter. "I tell you, it was really easy slapping on a 'Don' (marked 1 in the Alameda Daily Noose photo) and changing the word 'Peralta' into 'Perata' (marked 2 and 3 in the Alameda Daily Noose photo)."

In other noose, Don Perata continues to make progress in renaming the Peralta Community College District after himself. While opposed vocally by trustees Will Heathrow and Able Julian, most trustees are resigned to the change. One trustee, who asked to remain anonymous (but we have declined to honor her request; it was Cynthia Chen) said "Why bother fighting the change? Don Perata always gets what he wants. Always."

ADN will continue to keep you informed of these breaking events.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

5:39 a.m.: Praise from Tim Gubitnik

Rog,

Thank you for your years of dedication and focus on Alameda noose. You are an asset to our community, a snappy dresser, and an all-around swell guy. No other reporter has the depth of knowledge regarding the "Measure Acorn" law (which added Article 24 to the City Charter in 1971 to restrict Squirrels) or the commitment to cover discussion of the law, primarily in the form of press releases and grumpy letters to the editor. The community should also recognize Former City Council Candidate and Brenda Karl for their perpetual efforts to defend the letter and intent of the Measure Acorn law against all threats, real and imaginary. They are truly our soldiers of righteousness on the front lines of the Global War on Squirrels.

Tim Gubitnik

P.S.—The Alameda Daily Noose and you don't have any plans for this weekend, do you? I'm moving again, and I could use a little extra help carrying the hide-a-bed, not to mention packing and carrying all my other stuff. Oh, and would you mind bringing the Noosemobile? Being the wonderful guy you are, I knew you wouldn't want a good friend like me to have to pay for movers and a truck.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

New Skyscraper Blots Out Sunset

Editor,

I am writing to complain about the oversized building that is blocking my view, and will be even worse when its finished. Why wasn't I notified about this horrible project? It is plainly visible through my bathroom window which faces the bay and San Francisco. Already, I cannot see the part of San Francisco that is directly behind the new skyscraper. What is worse, the building blocks the ray of sunlight that used to hit my bathroom mirror for about a minute every day just before dusk. This time of year, that would be at about 6:23 p.m., except when its really cloudy. That ray of sunlight would practically blind you if you walked into the bathroom at that time of day, and now its gone!

I was not given any opportunity to comment on the project and its affect on my view and sunlight. Just because its in San Francisco doesn't mean that the City Council shouldn't notify everyone in effected neighborhoods, so why didn't they park in front of my neighbor's house knock on my door around sunset and come see the soon-to-be-blocked beam of sunlight for themselves? I would have argued myself blue in the face to save it, and now all I can do is complain until I'm blue in the face. And buses don't help that.

Frieda Bellows

Editor's Comments: As soon as the Alameda Daily Noose and I received this letter, we scooped up Scoop, our faithful canine companion, piled our our crack Alameda Daily Noose photography team into the Noosemobile, and high-tailed it over to Mrs. Bellows' house. She greeted us in her finest curlers and bathrobe, but we brushed her and her pleasantries aside, rushed up to her bathroom, and snapped the Alameda Daily Noose photo you have been admiring above. Unfortunately, poor Mrs. Bellows, who couldn't bear to look at the horrible skyscraper any longer, had pulled the blinds, and she escorted us out of her bathroom before we were able to raise the blinds and snap yet another Pulitzer-prize-eligible Alameda Daily Noose photo.