The Alameda Daily Noose and I are thrilled to announce our first charitable venture, the Roger Grumbel Home for Clean, Well-Behaved, Deserving Orphans from Alameda. Those familiar with our financial difficulties here at Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters are no doubt asking, "But Roger, how can you afford to found an orphanage?" Yesterday, the Alameda Daily Noose and I received a "gee-mail" from one of our loyal readers around the globe, a wealthy merchant by the name of William Stevenson. He is so deeply impressed with our world-wide reputation for honesty and completely unbiased journalistic integrity that he has chosen to donate a huge sum of money to us in order to fulfill his dream of constructing an orphanage for the clean, well-behaved, deserving orphans of Alameda. At first we were suspicious of his offer: after all, what was in it for us?
Then, as we surveyed the empty desks in our chronically under-staffed nooseroom, we had a brilliant idea: Who will work long hours for next to nothing, and be thankful just to have a place to sleep and some gruel and hardtack to eat? Orphans, that's who! With a charitable gleam in our eye, we rushed to provide Mr. Stevenson with our bank account number so that he could wire us the money immediately.
In keeping with our policy of printing every letter we receive, here is Mr. Stevenson's poignant plea for our help:
Subject: Service For Humanity Sake!
From: "William Stevenson" <email@example.com>
Date: Mon, October 1, 2007 5:27 am
My name is William Stevenson a British merchant
based in Dubai.I have been diagnosed with
Esophageal cancer It has defied all forms of
medical treatment, and right now I have only
about a few months to live, according to
medical experts. I have not particularly lived
my life so well, as I never really cared for
anyone (not even myself) but my business.
Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I
was always hostile to people and only focused
on my business as that was the only thing I
cared for. But now I regret all this as I now
know that there is more to life than just
wanting to have or make all the money in the
world. I believe when God gives me a second
chance to come to this world I would live my
life a different way from how I have lived it.
Now that God Is About To Call me, I have willed
and given most of my property and assets to my
immediate and extended family members as well
as a few close friends.
I want God to be merciful to me and accept my
soul so, I have decided to give also to charity
organizations, as I want this to be one of the
last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have
distributed money to some charity organizations
in Africa and Asia including the tsunami
Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I
cannot do this myself anymore. I once asked
members of my family to close one of my
accounts and distribute the money which I have
there to charity organization they refused and
kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not
trust them anymore, as they seem not to be
contented with what I have left for them before
I became ill. Presently, I am still having a
deposit with a Finance house that is yet to be
disposed of. I Beg You In The name of God to
Help Me Take The Money To Any Orphanage Home
Close To You. I Believe That You Would Offer
This Service For Humanity Sake.
May The Good God Bless You And Your Family.
I Await Your Response.