Monday, June 30, 2008

Alameda to Ban Throwing of Balls in City Parks

The Alameda City Council will be meeting this Tuesday to ratify a complete ban on ball-throwing in city parks.

Two weeks ago, the city council, not paying attention due to their uncontainable excitement to discuss the annual budget, gleefully crafted an outright ban on ball-throwing in Alameda parks unless there was signage specifically allowing it.

"We're worried that somebody might hurt somebody else by throwing a ball at them," said Mayor Beverly Johnson, leader of the ball ban. "Even if somebody is throwing a ball directly to somebody else, they might get hurt if the ball isn't thrown just so. So we think it's better to just prohibit ball-throwing entirely."

The ball-throwing ban came out of a discussion on banning cars from the parking garage next to the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. Mayor Johnson decided that it made sense to include balls as well as (or instead of) cars. She may have gotten confused between the term "park" and "parking lot," perhaps attributable to her excitement over staying up late to talk about the city's finances.

The decision did not come without considerable debate. "What if somebody needs to walk through the park, and they are transporting a ball?" asked one council member (who shall remain unnamed) during the meeting. Mayor Johnson's response: "That's fine, as long as they hold it with both hands and do not toss it up in the air or bounce it on the ground."

The council passed the ban after three minutes' discussion.

Due to the structure of the City Charter, the ban must be voted upon twice. The council has been issued transcripts of their previous meeting so they can re-enact the entire discussion, word-for-word, this Tuesday.

Many community leaders are expected to attend the Council meeting to protest the decision, not that this would amount to anything. Representatives of the Alameda Little League, the Alameda Girls' Softball Association, the Alameda Ball-Throwing Club, and many others have pledged to use up their entire 30-seconds' allotted public speaking time to speak up on behalf of balls and ball-throwers. "Where else are my children expected to throw balls? We've had too many broken windows in our neighborhood to allow the children to play baseball in the street, and those ubiquitous basketball hoops are no longer allowed," said Geoff Mitchell-Davies, executive director of Let's Play Ball Alameda. "What does the City Council want our parks to be used for, if not playing?"

The mayor's office declined to comment.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Dave Williamson Loves Alameda Businesses to Death

Dear Rog,

Boy were my eyes opened by Dave Williamson's letter the other day about that snooty restaurant! We are lucky that he is doing such good research to expose flaws in the business plans of local restaurants and other places.

By getting his findings as much media exposure as possible, Mr. Williamson is avoiding the pitfalls that prevent so many others from making a difference in Alameda's economic health. Where less daring people might have privately mentioned to the owner that a lack of waffles can be bad for business, he cut out the middle man and took the problem straight to the public. Mr. Williamson must have known that tough love is sometimes not enough. No sir, he doesn't just love our local businesses, he loves them to death!

We all know that business owners don't give a darn about doing things that will be "profitable," and might generate much-needed tax revenue for Alameda. No, the only way for customers to get the waffles and other things they need, when and where they need them, is to wait until a business slips up and then complain strenuously about it after the fact.

Yes, I see now that the only way to make sure that businesses do things right in Alameda is to focus unrelentingly and unendingly on what they are doing wrong. If we all point out each mistake and shortcoming as soon as it comes to our attention, I'm sure we will soon have a thriving community of businesses that include only the ones that are my favorites. Park and Webster Streets together will be a paradise of nail salons alternating with discount steak houses. I can hardly wait!

Thank you, Mr. Williamson, for inspiring me to glare silently at that one grocery clerk who always fails to double-bag my cereal boxes, and to later air my righteous criticism in the most public way possible: writing grumpy letters to the Alameda Daily Noose, and possibly even to the other major news media as well, just to be sure.

Jean Kerkwilligers

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Hide the Women and Children! Coddled Squirrels "Quickly Multiply" in Our City Parks

Dear Mr. Grumbel,

I took these shocking photos of Ground Squirrels at Crown Memorial Beach this morning. As you can see, the Parks Dept. is trying to discourage people from feeding the Squirrels because "they quickly multiply," but it is obviously too little, too late, as there are hundreds of Squirrels at the park! Pay particular note to the Squirrel in photo 02 -- he was looking across at the innocent children in photo 03, no doubt plotting how he could sneak over and convince them to part with their food.

Feel free to use these photographs in your soon to be award winning daily noosepaper.

A concerned citizen of Alameda

Editor's Comments:

Normally the Alameda Daily Noose and I do not approve of comments from cowardly anonymous letter-writers, who we can only assume are lackeys of our corrupt, fun-hating Mayor, but once we saw the shocking photos attached to this missive, we understood that the poor author undoubtedly fears for her life. Of course, the Alameda Daily Noose and I don't actually know the sex of the writer, but we prefer to imagine her as a beautiful damsel menaced by slavering Squirrels…that way we feel properly heroic as we defend her honor with our journalistic derring-do!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Dave Williamson Exposes Hotsy-Totsy Park Street Restaurant's Stalinist Breakfast Engineering Scheme


Inaction Alameda has been contacted by several parties who have tried to breakfast at the new hotsy-totsy white-tablecloth place on Park Street, but have instead found themselves the unwilling subjects of a dystopian breakfast engineering scheme that makes Stalinist Russia look like a day at Disneyland.

I—er, I mean, one of the countless people who have contacted Inaction Alameda—went in to said restaurant for breakfast at 11:37 AM yesterday and was handed what appeared to be a lunch menu. When this error was helpfully called to the attention of the waiter, instead of humbly apologizing for his mistake, he started making outrageous, nonsensical claims: "I'm sorry, Sir, but we only serve breakfast from 7 to 11, lunch from 11 to 3, and then dinner from 3 to 9."

"Excuse me! Did we lose a war?! Who are you to tell me what I can eat when? What's next? Will you and your Politburo bosses be counting out how many sheets of toilet paper I'm allowed, Comrade?"

Apparently, this was no isolated incident. We also found this review on the popular online site Whelp:
I wish I could review the waffles but I never actually got the chance to eat any because my group was forced to order from the so-called lunch menu. A group of five of us (young American Indian male plumbers) showed up at 11:29 pm on a Thursday morning expecting a delicious breakfast of waffles. The place was fairly empty and the waffle machine was just sitting there in the kitchen, yet we were told they couldn't "handle" making breakfast after 11 o'clock.
With our desperate need for sales tax revenue, and none forthcoming from the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates (we've already proven that all movie theatres are doomed to lose money), it's hard to see how any business in Alameda can be allowed to impose their own over-regulated socialist breakfast agenda on their customers. Don't these "businesses" understand that the customer is always right?!

Someone had better sit down and have a chat with the management of this quote-unquote restaurant and demand that they recognize that this behavior is bad for sales tax revenue, which the Mayor is counting on.

Dave Williamson

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Drill Here! Drill Now! Save Up for That Frappuccino® You've Always Wanted!


I'm very green. There's nothing I wouldn't do to preserve this beautiful planet for the sake of our children. When it comes to our precious oil supply, however, there is no room for compromise! Mayor Johnson needs to demand the immediate commencement of oil drilling off the coast of Alameda!

Now at this point I'm sure I've ruffled the feathers of those seabird-huggers who constantly fret about the possibility of oil spills. Give me a break! They need to listen to some straight talk from that maverick John McCain: These days, offshore drilling is perfectly safe! I mean, really, thanks to today's technology, when was the last time you heard anything about an oil spill anywhere near our Treasured Island?

Utilizing untapped oil supplies is the only solution to our energy problems. Clean energy like wind and solar would be way too expensive, even if that kind of Buck Rogers idea could be put into practice. And of course there's no point in expecting anyone to start driving even smaller vehicles or driving less. I can barely fit a bag of groceries into my SUV's driver's side cup-holder as it is, and those three blocks to Starbucks are way too long for walking!

But there is a simple solution: Instead of paying outrageous prices at the gas pump, we should be pouring Alameda's financial resources into programs that will provide incentives for oil companies to wring every last drop of crude out of the Alameda's sand and shale.

If the entire nation follows our good example, the resulting increase in production could reduce the price of gasoline by as much as $0.075 per gallon! That would mean that at my current rate of driving, it would only take 29 days for me to save up enough money to buy that Grande Mint Mocha Chip Frappuccino® blended coffee with Chocolate Whipped Cream I've been craving…well, 29 days plus the 20 years it will take to ramp up production to the point that I actually start saving that $0.075 per gallon.

And that, my friends, is why we must Drill Here and Drill Now, to ensure that our quality of life will eventually be safe in the great island nation of Alameda…once and for all!

Sincerely yours (without my beard),
Buck Morris

Monday, June 23, 2008

"Friends" of the Parks? I Think Not!

Most wizened newsman Grumbel,

There I was, thinking about running for the Parks, when I noticed at the top of the entry form something that shocked and amazed me! A Squirrel in the logo, finally proof that city staff is trying to subvert Measure Acorn. Woe the many hours I have toiled as the city's one true investigative journalist, searching for what I knew must exist, scientific proof of a conspiracy so large that only I could see it. And my hard work and perseverance has finally paid off.

To all of my many, many critics: Apology accepted.

Dave Williamson.

Editor's Comment:

We're sure that Mr. Williamson was so shaken up by his traumatic experience that he neglected to write "the city's one other true investigative journalist"; the Alameda Daily Noose and I nobly accept his humble apology.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Street Containers Will Solve the City's Budget Crises


I was cleaning out my garage, because it has become so clogged with stuff that I can’t use it to collect more stuff. Has anyone in this city considered raising revenue for the city by renting out street parking to be used by small container units. The self-storage place in Oakland charges $125 a month, imagine how much money the city could raise if they started allowing people to put containers in the street to store their old record collections and things they bought off EBay. I know many people who have maxed out their garages and I’m sure they’d pay handsomely for the convenience of storage on the street.

Just a thought.

Denim Todd, Alamedan

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Further Disturbing Evidence That Squirrels Are Strategizing

Dear Roger,

Driving to my weekly CAT-scan appointment at Alameda Hospital earlier today, I came across what appeared to be a dead squirrel in the middle of the road. I have never seen such a thing here in Alameda. Mice, Parrots, Opossums, yes, but never a dead squirrel.

I was more than a little alarmed because this is exactly what you warned against back in May, predicting that the squirrels would stage a "False Flag" attack on a portion of their population in order to gain sympathy to start an all-out war.

Please forgive the gruesomeness of the attached image, and if you have children or ladies nearby, don't show them this photo, but I felt compelled to offer this as proof that something is amiss!

If this is indeed what I fear, than this day will be a day that will forever live in infamy, and the term "6/19" will send chills up the spines of our children and grandchildren as they think back about the event that triggered the Great Squirrel War of Alameda.


Allen Brackoosh

Frieda Bellows Does Know What to Make of Image of Squirrel-On-Squirrel Violence


Its obvious from the photo you ran yesterday that Squirrels are all lazy good-for-nothing crooks. The message that t-shirt was sending is that no Squirrel ever bothers to hunt for acorns, they all just steal them from each other. If it weren't for Measure Acorn, you can be sure that the Squirrel problem in Alameda would be even more unbearable than it is already, because we all know that trees cause Squirrels, and now we know that Squirrels cause crime.

Frieda Bellows

Lon Geddoff Doesn't Know What to Make of Image of Squirrel-on-Squirrel Violence


I don't know what to make of that crazy photo you published yesterday. Why would anyone want to walk around in public in a shirt with Squirrels on it? Sure, it would be great if the furry little vermin would kill each other off, like they seem to be in the picture, but I don't want to have to watch them doing it! They can go to some other city if they want to fight over acorns.

Lon Geddoff

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

"Squirrel War" Clothing Spotted in Alameda


As an avid photographer, I'm always on the lookout for nooseworthy events in Alameda that I can contribute to your noosepaper. Yesterday I saw a young man wearing a strange T-shirt that seemed to depict some sort of Squirrel-on-Squirrel violence. I wasn't sure what to think about the image, though the yellow color of the shirt was rather enjoyable.

I would have asked the person wearing the shirt what it signified, but I didn't not wish to approach the hoodlum. Instead, I inconspicuously snapped a couple of professional-quality photographs with my 18-inches-long Canon Maxima telephoto lens.

Do any of your readers know what this shirt means?


Dr. Jack Schnattmeyer

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I know nearly everything there is to know about the Sciurine Menace; however, unlike those elitist so-called experts, we do not presume to know more than the great unwashed masses that constitute our readership. That is why we ask you, dear unwashed readers, to send your interpretations to us via "gee mail," at The quantity and quality of replies will undoubtedly confirm our belief in the wisdom of crowds, particularly those wise enough to carry torches and pitchforks!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Parcel Tax Apparently Passing, Despite Recieving Approximately Zero "Yes" Votes


I can't believe the nonsense I've been hearing about Measure H getting enough votes to pass. If that were true, it would spell disaster for our already hopelessly coddled schools, and I'm sure I would have read something about that impending disaster in the Alameda Daily Noose.

Clearly, there's been some serious miscalculation on the part of those making these spurious claims of Measure H getting twice as many "yes" votes as "no" votes. I don't see how it would be possible for it to get the support of even a simple majority, especially when you consider how unpopular this election was. Of the 40,238 registered voters in Alameda, only 13,529 voted on Measure H, and only 9,010 of those voted in favor of it. That must mean that the majority of registered voters in Alameda were opposed to it, some so strongly that they refused to even touch any ballot that mentioned it, let alone go near one of those vipers' nests called "polling places," where known Measure H supporters might be lurking.

Furthermore, those registered voters do not represent a significant portion of our population, namely those who are too young to vote. Yes, oddly enough, scool-age children did not have a voice in the argument over how much tax money their schools should receive. I clearly remember not liking school when I was that age, so it's obvious that all of their votes would have been "no" had they been allowed to cast them.

When you consider that the 9,000 people who purportedly did vote in favor of Measure H equals little more than ten percent of Alameda's population, and that anyone who did vote in favor of this giveaway to our bloated schools probably did so in the belief that they could change their votes later, just as our representatives do in Sacramento, the percentage of citizens who truly supported Measure H rapidly approaches zero.

In fact, if it weren't for people who feel that they must vote "yes" on such measures simply because they can't bear to say "no" to adorable children, there probably never would have been so much as the illusory appearance of support for Measure H. Why, if I'd thought for a moment that Measure H had any chance of passing, I never would have voted for it myself!

Yours in shock and disbelief,

Jamie Neatly

Monday, June 16, 2008

Scoop! of Shocking Footage: Is John McCain the Man-Squirrelian Candidate?

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were goggling the interwebs the other day when we ran across some evidence of new competition in the dog-eat-dog world of soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepapers. We don't know who this Colbert guy is or where he came from, but the Alameda Daily Noose and I like the cut of his jib.

Apparently, this Colbert fellow challenged his dozen or so readers to do some investigative reporting on his behalf (as a relative newcomer to the journalistic scene, he's obviously not up to the task himself), asking them to dig up embarrassing videos of the remaining presidential candidates. Just as the Alameda Daily Noose and I were preparing to tch-tch-tch this sophomoric prank, the following shocking entry stopped us dead in mid-double-click:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have already made the public aware that our only remaining choices in the race for President are dishearteningly Soft on Squirrels, but now our diligent work has revealed that the problem is more serious than we imagined. It is clear from the video above that Senator McCain is desperately trying to distract us from the cheeky antics of the Squirrel behind him by hammering away at a laundry list of lesser threats to our Precious Quality of Life. He clearly hopes that we will be completely unaware of the Squirrel in the background, to say nothing of the Squirrel-Hugging in his background.

By now, you've probably bought into the image of Senator McCain that's currently being peddled by the other major news media: he's a maverick straight-shooter who's Tough on Squirrels. Perhaps you even cheered when he championed legislation that would push through a huge project "even if it killed every Squirrel" in an Arizona mountaintop forest.

Well, in yet another fine example of journalism in the classic sense, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have uncovered evidence that Senator McCain is merely hiding behind a flimsy screen of anti-Squirrel rhetoric, a shameless pander engineered to win crucial votes in the swing state of Alameda. The truth is that Senator McCain may have deeper ties to Squirrels than any politician we have criticized to date.

Yes, it's true. Thanks to a little-known interweb time-travel device, the Alameda Daily Noose and I were able to prove that as recently as October 17, 2006, Senator McCain was prominently featured as the "Squirrel of the Month" by that most sinister of sinister secret societies, the dreaded Global Squirrel Network.

Clearly, the only possible explanation for the disconnect between "Senator" McCain's dark sciurine past and his recent feeble attempts to appear Tough on Squirrels is that he is some kind of Manchurian Candidate—nay, a Man-Squirrelian Candidate—bent on destroying Truth, Justice, and the Alamedan Way…from the inside!

Friday, June 13, 2008

Bagpipe-Hugger Roy Avery Waves His Kilt Around


I know a great many of your readers are unwilling to recognize the benefits of incorporating more tartan into our community, but I've got some news that I think is really going to change their minds. I have been experimenting with some exciting new technology that could revolutionize our means of powering electronic practice chanters and other essential equipment without doing harm to the environment. I think I've come up with a real winner this time!

Taking advantage of Alameda Power and Telecom's generous rebate program, I have incorporated photovoltaic threads into all of my kilts in such a way that you can hardly tell the difference in the pattern. Striding about in one of these enhanced kilts enables me find the optimal sun-soaked point at which to strike a stalwart pose and start reducing my electricity bills.

Now, pipers habitually position themselves to catch the last rays of sunset, and the first rosy glow of dawn, which makes them a natural choice for helping maximize the island's collection of solar energy. Depending on the angle of the kilt in relation to the sun, a single piper can produce as much as .5 watts of power in the time it takes to play "The Kilt is My Delight," and a well-placed wind turbine in the vicinity of this same piper could more than double that output.

In this time of global warming and high energy costs, tartan and bagpipes can be powerful tools for positive change. I hope that more Alamedans will learn to embrace them, for the sake of our future. The benefits far outweigh any short-term, aural and visual impairment that may result from widespread use of these time-tested, and now thoroughly updated, tools.

Roy Avery

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Navy is Tardy in Addressing Squirrel Threat

The naysayers can stop naying now, because the rest of the world is finally becoming aware of the growing Squirrel threat. Time after time, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have scooped the other major news media on this issue, but now the problem has become so great that even small-time publications like the Alameda Puppy Trainer are starting to take notice.

Of course, no-one reads that kind of "newspaper" on purpose. It was by sheer chance that a certain phrase caught our attention as the Alameda Daily Noose and I were tidying up after our trusty newshound, Scoop. The paper was a little damp and torn, but we spotted this phrase in some story about toxic cleanup at Alameda Point:

"...add plastic sheeting below the contaminated soil to prevent burrowing animals like squirrels from reaching the waste."
Thanks to the Alameda Daily Noose and me, everyone knows the risks of allowing Squirrels to come into contact with hazardous waste. Is it any coincidence that our diligent reporting of those risks came before the Navy's sudden decision to employ protective plastic sheeting? Clearly, our searing indictments of the hitherto inadequate levels of protection against mutant killer Squirrels has shamed those responsible into taking more thorough measures.

There's no need to thank us, although we're sure you will, anyway. Letters of praise should be directed to But really, it's all in a day's work for the Alameda Daily Noose and me.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

City Hall Needs to Rearrange Its Flags


I took this picture of the flags out in front of City Hall a couple of weeks ago. I hope you are able to scan this onto your web site. Don't worry about sending the picture back to me, since I ordered double prints.

I am surprised and shocked that the Alameda flag is actually at the bottom of the flagpole. Doesn't this seem the reverse of what it should be? The Alameda flag should be at the top, and the biggest; the American flag, being the furthest away from Alameda, should be at the bottom.

Everybody, please call your city council members (and replacement candidates, since the ones in office now won't listen to us) and ask them to fix this embarassing problem. Alameda should come first!

Jean Gringo

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

S.M.M.P.T.E.H.: Already Blighted!


As I predicted, the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates (S.M.M.P.T.E.H.) has failed miserably. As this snapshot shows, all of the businesses nearby the S.M.M.P.T.E.H. have already shut down; looking around the corner of Central Avenue near Oak Street, it's nothing but boarded-up windows. If the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex had never been built, we would have never had this problem. What a shame for our city to see so many storefront windows boarded up.

Zaynie Glower
Subcomandante of Public Relations
Code Grump

Monday, June 9, 2008

Alameda to Be Ignored by Goverment

Dear Mr. Editor Man:

Last week's election results were depressing for Alameda. Come this November, Alameda will no longer have any representation in our state or country's government.

When Don Perata is replaced, there will no longer be an Alamedan standing up for our unique interests in the state senate. Our current assembly representative, Mr. Swanson Sandre, is not an Alamedan. Our congressional representative, Mr. Fourtney Stark, is certainly not one of us; I wonder if he's even been to our fair city. Our senators? Please! Our governor is certainly not an Alamedan (He's not even American!) And have Mr. Obama or Mr McCain even HEARD of Alameda? (They're going to have to come here before I'd even think of casting my vote for either of them in November!)

Without representation, it's high time that we stop paying our taxes. I will not stand for TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION.

If that doesn't get their attention and give Alamedans a say in our state and country, we should begin making plans to file the necessary paperwork to become an independent island like Fiji or the United Kingdom.

Sincerely ticked off,
Reginald Kowalski

Friday, June 6, 2008

Mars Exploration Yields Good News for Young Alamedans

Alamedans are rejoicing at news that NASA's Phoenix Lander may, indeed, have discovered ice on the surface of Mars. What this means is that the children of long-time residents may be able to invest in pristine parcels of waterfront property in a completely new, wide-open real estate market, and eventually work their way up to living in Alameda again.

Many current homeowners had to live in that other city that's not Alameda while saving up their money. Nothing has really changed, except that kids today don't work as hard, and so may have to start out in some part of the solar system that is not as close to job centers as starter home suburbs used to be. Sure, it's a long commute from Mars, and the climate isn't as pleasant that far from the bay, but how can you argue with dirt-cheap land values?

Residents of Mars will enjoy gorgeous views, unobstructed by trees. Also, there will be plenty of free parking.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Fie the Furry Menace!

Good sir!

No matter what anyone tells you, do not relent in your valiant effort to repel the Furry-Tailed Menace! Those who oppose you are a sad, frightened lot, like the Finnish fools who opened this museum:
Feeding Squirrels? What the devil are they thinking? Aid and comfort to the enemy, we called that in our day. What's next - the Finnish prime minister - or whatever those loons have - waving about an empty bag of peanuts, prattling on about "peace in our time"?

That will never do! Appeasement leads to expansion and what's next? You're overrun with the furry blighters and they're nibbling on your textiles! No, no - far better to fight, fight on with every ounce of strength until the trees are free once again. Sic semper sciurinus!

Yours emphatically,
Sir Arthur Brainwhitenge, Ret.

Editor's Comments:

After double-clicking on the dingus in Lord Brainwitsend's "gee-mail" message above, the Alameda Daily Noose and I were disappointed to find a photo of a Squirrel not from Finland but rather from Los Angeles. That's just the kind of shoddy journalism we have come to expect from the baguette-munchers at Agence France-Presse. Fortunately, with just a little goggling of the interwebs, we were able to find this shocking footage of Finnish Squirrels and their fearsome weapons of museum-shredding mayhem:

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

They're Everywhere!


Because I know that you do all you can to alert the public to the wily ways of the foes of Measure Acorn,

I feel you are the only one I can trust to reveal what I have found. I recently left Alameda - only temporarily, I assure you! - to take in the splendid art that is CATS! (Good performances are so much harder to find on the Island now that the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates is open. People are so busy not going to the movies, they don't have time to avoid the legitimate stage!)

As I entered the theater, I saw something that chilled me to the bone. Right there, in the open - an icon of a Squirrel! I knew at that point that I was in enemy territory, in a place that was definitely not Alameda! It was also clear that news of this abomination needed to reach the outside world - by which I mean right-thinking Alamedans - and what better way than a newspaper on the verge of winning awards?

I could only take a hasty cameraphone image, to which I have included a link* as confirmation of how low non-Alamedans can sink. In order to get my proof, I distracted onlookers by pointing away from myself and shouting, "Hey, isn't that a cute little Squirrel?" Of course, all those philistines turned away, and I was able to snap a picture of the travesty, which I am entrusting to you. I know you will do the right thing.

Yours in battle,
Andy Nominousse

*The Alameda Daily Noose and I are unfamiliar with this whole "link" concept. In lieu of all this technological tomfoolery, we asked Mr. Nomenclature to print out the picture from his bananaphone and mail it to us, hence the perfectly excusable delay in our publication of his letter.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Dave Williamson Proves Movie Theaters Are Doomed…Doomed!


Some people claim that the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates is going to be a huge financial success, despite the fact that the movie industry is dead. "Huzzah!" they say, "Roll out the red carpet for our fiscal messiah!" But, let's just do the math:

According to this article, an incident with a giant octopus in 1949 forced theater operators to give 100% of their ticket revenue to the movie studios for the first two weeks that a movie plays. By my reckoning, that leaves 0% of the revenue for the theater operator.

So, when you subtract the cost of running the projectors, lighting up the marquee, and paying all those good-for-nothing high school kids to dress up in snappy uniforms and shine flashlights on couples necking in the back row, the theater operator actually winds up losing money on the deal.

Even though the studios keep 100% of the ticket revenues for the first two weeks, isn't there were some other way for a theater operator to make money? Possibly. After all somebody, could goes to a movie in the third week, right?

Oh wait!

According to the Interweb Movie Data Base (I.M.D.B.), there were 17,722 movies released last year. By my calculations, that means that approximately 48.5 movies come out each day, which means that there is simply no way anyone would go to a movie more than two weeks after it came out.

In fact, my computations show that about 121.4 minutes are all that separate the opening of one movie from the opening of the next, so it's mathematically impossible to sustain the public's interest in any given film for more than a day, which I estimate to have a total of 1,440 minutes in it.

So…get with it, Alameda! Write to those cigar-chomping fat cats in Hollywood and demand that they make no more than 17.3 movies per year—17 feature films and a cartoon short, perhaps—thus ensuring a minimum of three weeks between each pair of new releases. As I have proved conclusively, this crucial third week between blockbusters is all that stands between fiscal doom and salvation for every theater in Alameda!

Dave Williamson

Monday, June 2, 2008

Good Grief! Charlie Brown Has Jean Kerkwilligers' Vote

Dear Roger

Finally, a candidate I can believe in! I was so excited when I saw this lawn sign that I sent you the photo of it as quick as I could. It's a no-brainer for me that I'm going to vote for Charlie Brown for Congress, and I'll bet it will be for a lot of your readers, too.

I didn't even realize that comic strip characters could run for political office, and I didn't know that Charlie Brown had served our country in the air force, although it makes sense when you remember that his dog was an ace pilot in the Great War. Anyway, now that I know there is more inspiring alternative to our current government, I say throw the bums out, whoever they are! The people who are in office now must all be responsible for the mess we're in. Otherwise, why would we be in it?

Charlie Brown would make a much better leader than the ones we have now, because he keeps trying, no matter what. When the kite of our state's finances gets caught in a tree, he'll get another kite. And if someone pulls the football of improved public education away just as he's about to kick it through the academic goalposts, he'll pick himself up and give it another try. I hope everyone will consider voting for this fine, upstanding round-headed kid.

Jean Kerkwilligers