Hide the Women and Children! Coddled Squirrels "Quickly Multiply" in Our City Parks

Dear Mr. Grumbel,

I took these shocking photos of Ground Squirrels at Crown Memorial Beach this morning. As you can see, the Parks Dept. is trying to discourage people from feeding the Squirrels because "they quickly multiply," but it is obviously too little, too late, as there are hundreds of Squirrels at the park! Pay particular note to the Squirrel in photo 02 -- he was looking across at the innocent children in photo 03, no doubt plotting how he could sneak over and convince them to part with their food.

Feel free to use these photographs in your soon to be award winning daily noosepaper.

Sincerely,
A concerned citizen of Alameda

Editor's Comments:

Normally the Alameda Daily Noose and I do not approve of comments from cowardly anonymous letter-writers, who we can only assume are lackeys of our corrupt, fun-hating Mayor, but once we saw the shocking photos attached to this missive, we understood that the poor author undoubtedly fears for her life. Of course, the Alameda Daily Noose and I don't actually know the sex of the writer, but we prefer to imagine her as a beautiful damsel menaced by slavering Squirrels…that way we feel properly heroic as we defend her honor with our journalistic derring-do!