Friday, April 30, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Un-greening Our Tomatoes!

I'm so disappointed. Just as I was starting to learn about how good local, organic produce is for our planet, I heard that the U.S. Senate is about to put all of those small farmers out of business. As I understand it, big agribusinesses have gotten jealous of the success of farmer's markets and small, local producers, and are demanding that all of those sustainable farms be forced to buy the same produce-bagging and shrink-wrapping machinery that helps larger producers stay at the forefront of producing new strains of E-coli bacteria.

Now, I'm not angry about this, because it's probably just some kind of misunderstanding. Our Senators probably aren't aware of how much healthier organic produce is for us and for our environment, so it's up to fans of green living to introduce them to the joys of truly good fruits and vegetables. There's just no comparing a juicy, vine-ripened tomato at its peak to those bland pieces of styrofoam that pass for tomatoes in some stores. So the best way to help Senators understand the issue would be for some East Coast organic tomato growers to take them free samples of the ambrosial fruits of their labor. Of course, since our elected officials are busy people, it might be hard to get close enough to the Senators to hand them a fragrant slice of delicious tomato, so it's important that someone with a good throwing arm be included in the organic growers' delegation, in case the tomatoes have to be delivered all in one piece, and in a hurry.

It's true that throwing the tomatoes could get messy, especially since only the ripest, juiciest samples will do for the purposes of educating Senators. But then, they are probably also not aware of how much fun it can be to get covered in tomato juice and pulp, as many surprised tourists in Spain discover every year in the city of Buñol.

Apparently, no-one really knows how the tomato-smashing festival started, but I read that "one of the most popular theories is that disgruntled townspeople attacked city councilmen with tomatoes during a town celebration." The councilmen must have enjoyed the experience enough to make it a yearly event. And the moral of that story is that when you mix ripe tomatoes and elected officials, wonderful things will happen!

So, how about it, green living lovers? Who wants to take some transformative tomatoes to Washington D.C.?

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Waterfront Is Home to Empty, Crumbling, Burned-Out Crime Magnets


I heard that someone is trying to restore some historic buildings on Alameda's waterfront, and re-use them for something other than what they were built for. This is unconscionable! Those buildings should be used as what they were built to be, which is empty, crumbling, burned-out crime magnets.

Now, I'm not opposed to plans for redevelopment in general, but this particular plan is all wrong for the mixed commercial/industrial/residential character of the neighborhood. For one thing, those buildings were once three stories tall, so restoring them would ruin the views on that street. In order for any redevelopment plan for this site to be acceptable, it would have to create no additional traffic, and not change the appearance of the property in any way. Change is bad. We ned to preserve the restful view of rusted beams and boarded-up windows for future generations.

And don't even get me started on those people who suggest putting some other kind of building there instead. Surely, no-one could take that idea seriously.

Sylvia Meadow

Editor's Comments:
Miss Meadhall certainly seems to have a good grasp of what makes Alameda a nice place to live. She is right that change is bad. Now, if only certain slip-shod young noosepaper editors could keep that in mind, maybe we could all have confidence in the future of our island city.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

We're Not Chicken, Unlike Some We Could Mention

Recent census figures show that currently, 160 residents of Alameda are chicken. However, we here at the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose dispute that number. Clearly, many more residents of the island city are scaredy cats, considering that this is the only local noose source with the guts to do real investigative journalism, bringing frightening facts to light. And if so few Alameda residents were chicken, and therefore afraid to read those frightening facts, our readership would be even more phenomenally large than it already is.

Based on our own infallible estimates, the number of residents who are chicken must actually be closer to 20,000, including a certain former and acting editor who doesn't just come out and say that he is unjustifiably critical of how much time we put into the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose. Instead, he insinuates things in little "Editor's Comments" attached to what he views as important Noose items. We would just like to point out that no-one asked for his opinion.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Clean-up Planned for Alameda's Most Toxic Sites

The Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose by Inaction Alameda has obtained a list of Toxic Personality Superfund Clean-up sites located in the city of Alameda. This list includes a record of the many citizens' complaints about hazardous, threatening, disruptive or just plain annoying behavior originating from each site. There are far too many complaints about each Toxic Personality to reproduce here, but to give our readers a quick sampling of highlights, #1 has done damage to both public and private property with a crowbar and a car, #2 has been involved in public fistfights, excessive air horn use, sifting through other people's garbage and other dirty activities, and #4 consistently fails to clean up after a little white dog while walking it past other people's houses.

The Toxic Personality Superfund list did not include the names of these individuals, but the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose was able to use the geographical coordinates of the clean-up sites to plot their locations on this "map" which we tore out of a "phone book" and attached to a piece of "cardboard" with the use of some "tape."

The colored "push pins" indicate the locations of the Toxic Personality Superfund Clean-up sites. Notice that they are clustered in and around the over-privileged Gold Coast neighborhood of Alameda. It's about time someone did something about these hoity-toity blots on our landscape, going around blowing their air horns at all hours of the night for no good reason. We always have a perfectly fair reason for blowing our air horns. Usually, the reason is that it's the best way to demonstrate how effective they could be in an actual emergency.

In addition to the colored "push pins" on the map, there are also some metal "push pins" that have little to do with this story. Just ignore them.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Lon Geddoff Is Appalled by Gruesome Propaganda


You won't believe what I saw in the newspaper! Not that I ever read newspapers, or get news from any print source other than the Alameda Daily Noose, but I needed some packing material for a package I was sending to my cousin on Bay Farm Island, and this gruesome image caught my eye:

Yes, that's right; it is nothing less than a visual instruction manual, drawn by some troublemaker named Mark Tutulli, showing children how to turn Squirrels into even larger, more dangerous threats to our quality of life! If you take a closer look, you'll see that I'm not exaggerating.

As if those vicious, fluffy-tailed killers weren't already bad enough, soon we're going to be dodging ones as tall as that Imperial library they built where the perfectly good motel used to be. It is appalling that any publication would be allowed to spread such blatant propaganda to corrupt our youth and terrorize our seniors, who are at extra risk from Squirrel-related heart attacks.

Whoever this Mark Tutulli guy is, he is obviously also a proponent of trees, and may be behind our gigantic acorn problem. No wonder we are having so much trouble with Squirrels in Alameda! This cartoonist must be stopped.

Lon Geddoff

Editor's Comments:
Editor-in-Chief Dave Williamson is still too occupied with promoting Miss Grumpy Alameda to assist in circulating Noose items such as this one about the escalating Squirrel threat. Even though our lives are all in danger, he thinks it's more important to prepare for the Miss Grumpy California pageant. It's lucky for him that the Alameda Daily Noose is in the capable hands of its original editor during this time of need.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Green China and Green Silverware

I'm so excited! A friend of mine just sent me this photo of a fantastic new aid to green living: biodegradable utensils. As it says right on the box, these convenient knives, forks, and spoons are "Earth Friendly" and "Environmentally Responsible." I didn't know that there was anything that could be better than the green plastic forks I bought for my Earth Day Party, so I am blown away by this discovery!

Now, what doesn't come as a surprise is that this great new product is manufactured in one of the greenest places on the planet: China!

As my fans in China know, I'm often inspired by the wonderful things their country is doing to help save our planet. This time, I think the inspiration is flowing both ways, because China seems to have learned from our country's long tradition of finding all sorts of amazing uses for corn.

But here's a use we never thought of: turning corn starch into a kind of plastic that can be formed into biodegradable eating utensils! The Chinese are kindly sharing this ecological breakthrough with us by loading the earth-friendly forks and spoons onto majestic ocean freighters, selflessly burning countless gallons of their precious fossil fuels to bring them to our shores, and sending them to Wal-Mart and Costco mega-stores across the country so that we, too, can enjoy this clean, green, organic product.

Wow! If only there were something eco-friendly that we could send them in return, as a way of thanking them for making our lives a little greener. Maybe the best thing would be to ship them some of our corn, as a way of saying, "Keep up the creative corn processing, and send us more of those disposable forks."

It's hard for me to think of a more earth-friendly manufacturing material than corn. And remember, composting is good for the environment, so if you decide to hop on the corn-starch cutlery bandwagon, try to use at least one compostable fork or spoon at every meal. The more of them you use, the more there will be to compost! And that means more business for our clean, green, trading partner, China. It's a win-win!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 105 days, with the most recent shown in green:

Editor's Comment:

Today is Earth Day, which means it's a good day to stay safely in your car, away from emboldened trees and Squirrels, or at home catching up on your scrutiny of the vile machinations of "public officials" and "private companies." The following reviews will help guide you to the most outrageous recent meetings in Alameda.

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
Corica Have Mercy:

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
This Is an Outrage:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, April 20, 2010

Editor's Comments:

Both the Council and the Evil Developer Sun Cal demonstrated a bonus amount of intellectual density in their disagreement over the City's new density bonus ordinance. Any Right-Thinking Alamedan can see that the real significance of the ordinance is its potential to destroy Alameda if it were ever to be implemented. We can only hope that no City Council would ever be so foolish as to ever allow that to happen.

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, March 2, 2010

Special Joint Meeting of the Alameda City Council, ARRA and CIC, January 26, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, March 8, 2010

Public Utilities Board Regular Meeting March 15, 2010

Editor's Comments:

The Public Utilities Cupboard admits that they want to reduce electricity customers to tears! Or maybe they said something about tiers. And they must be expecting bad weather, because there was some talk about umbrellas. Either way, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are certain that it will end in tears.

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, March 16, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, February 16, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, February 3, 2010

Special Joint CC/ARRA/CIC Meeting, April 6, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, April 12, 2010

Editor's Comments:

The Planning Committee talks about modifying the City's density bonus ordinance, when we all know that the only satisfactory change would be to abolish it. Apologists for the ordinance claim that state law already had the same impact as the new ordinance, but how can they expect us to believe that some law in Sacramento will have any effect on Alameda? As an island, we are naturally buffered from that kind of law.

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, February 8, 2010

Golden AcornGolden Acorn
Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, April 6, 2010

Regular ARRA Meeting, March 3, 2010

Regular ARRA Meeting, February 3, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, March 22, 2010

Regular Transportation Commission, March 24, 2010

Golden Acorn
Nothing Worth Complaining About:
Special CIC Meeting, March 3, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, February 22, 2010

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Miss Grumpy Alameda Faces Stiff Competition

According to preliminary reports on contenders for the Miss Grumpy California contest, Miss Grumpy Alameda could get a run for her money from up-and-coming grump Miss Grumpy San Francisco.

Miss Grumpy S.F. (seen here picking at the arguments of those who disagree with her, in an attempt to unravel them) has an unfair advantage over her Alameda counterpart because there is so much more to complain about in San Francisco. As impossible as the traffic and parking situation is here in Alameda, it is even worse in San Francisco. Drivers in San Francisco may sit in their cars for hours, yet they can't sit on a public sidewalk. Next they'll be prohibiting people from so much as dropping their gum on the sidewalks! Furthermore, buildings in San Francisco have apparently gotten so tall that startled birds are smacking into them and dying by the flock. Miss Grumpy S.F. has plenty of material on which to hone her grumpy letter-to-the-editor skills.

It looks like Miss Grumpy Alameda will have to work overtime to keep an edge over her rival from across the bay, and will need even more assistance from her trusty publicist as she heads towards the state competition. That means that loyal readers of the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose will unfortunately have to put up with the well-meaning efforts of former editor Roger Grumbel more often. It's a small price to pay to ensure Alameda's preeminence in the world of Grump.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Innovative, Healthy Choices at Chic, New Restaurant

Editor's Comment:
It's lucky for Dave Williamson that the Alameda Daily Noose and I can take care of the shop while he's busy working on Miss Grumpy Alameda's publicity for her upcoming pageant. Sometimes it takes a seasoned veteran to really do the Noose job right. We are sure that our loyal readers will appreciate the hard-hitting story below, brought to you by yours truly, Roger Grumbel, and the Alameda Daily Noose.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have observed that some innovative dishes are being served at that new, chic restaurant on Encinal Avenue. One of those dishes is apparently called the "R.I.P.," which we've discovered stands for "Rest in Peace." That must be because your mind will be at peace after you've eaten it, knowing that it's a healthy alternative to the kind of heart-attack on a plate your doctor keeps warning you about. In fact, they do away with the plate altogether by serving the "R.I.P." in a little paper sleeve instead. You can get it either grilled, or cooked in a most original manner. A banner outside the restaurant graciously invites you to "et" (a charmingly old-fashioned word for "eat") a "R.I.P."

Recently, we noticed that the restaurant is also serving something called the "Double Over," in a clear attempt to appeal to the carbohydrate-conscious consumer. Those fattening pieces of bread that ordinarily go into a sandwich have been replaced with melted cheese and bacon. This puts it over and above an ordinary sandwich in health terms, making it at least twice as good for you, which explains the name "Double Over."

With offerings like these, that new restaurant might almost start to fit in with Alameda stand-bys like Gym's Coffee Clutch and Ole's Gruel and Hardtack Hovel, although nothing will ever be able to compete with the Fischer Schnitzel at the Rusty Scupper. Still, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have half a mind to drive over to that new restaurant and down a "Double Over" or two just to see if the place might be a worthwhile addition to Alameda's healthy restaurant scene after all.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Jean Kerkwilligers is Seething Mad About Parking

Dear Roger,

(I heard that you would be filling in for Dave Williamson again soon, so I'm sending this letter directly to you. I know it will be safe in your editorial hands.)

I am seething mad right now, because just the other day, my car got towed! I mean, sure, there was a big sign saying, "No parking, violators will be towed," but the sign didn't say when the towing would occur, so I figured I could get away with parking there for just a teensy minute or two. Besides, we all know that no-one ever actually usually enforces those no-parking zones.

So you can imagine my surprise when I came back to find my car missing! Naturally, I assumed it had been stolen. I rushed into a nearby business with a view of the tow-away zone, and breathlessly asked the employees if they had seen anything. I couldn't believe it when they said a tow-truck had removed a vehicle from that tow-away zone not more than half an hour before. the employees helped me figure out how to get the car back, but not one of them showed an ounce of the outrage that they should have felt on my behalf. After all, I had to park in that tow-away zone, because it was the closest place where there wasn't already a car parked. And then the towing company expected me to pay to get my car back, on top of the inconvenience of having to go and pick it up.

Why can't other people understand that the rules don't apply to me? I'm a good, responsible driver. When I speed it's because I'm actually in a hurry, unlike those yahoos who zip recklessly around town for no good reason, getting in my way when I'm trying to drive through an intersection efficiently. If they would just obey the law, it would be a lot easier for me to get around. And if this city would just get with the program, they would replace all of those useless tow-away zones with unlimited free parking, and make sure that all parking spaces are right in front of the places that people want to go to.

Is that so much to ask?

Jean Kerkwilligers

Friday, April 16, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Host an Earth Day Party!

Earth Day is Coming!

I don't know about you, but I'm certainly not going to be going to the official "Planet Alameda" Earth Day Celebration. Yes, I'm happy that our City Leaders recognized that Alameda is its own planet, as I mentioned last year. But it's inexcusable that they are still using Squirrels as part of their imagery, despite being called on the carpet two years ago by the Alameda Daily Noose (months before Yours Truly joined the Alameda Daily Noose Staff).

Instead of going the to City festivities, why not host your own Earth Day Party at home? It's easy and fun!

First, make a list of all your friends and invite them. Even if you have friends who live in cities that are not Alameda, be sure to invite them too, so you can show them how nice it is to live on Planet Alameda. (Since Earth Day is coming soon, you can't trust the mail, so you will need to hand-deliver your invitations. Fill up your Hybrid Hummer with Earth-Friendly gas at one of Alameda's Valero Gas Stations, and be sure to tell the owners that you are supporting their efforts to fight Global Warming while you are at it).

Be sure to warn the neighbors that you will be having a party, and ask them to move their cars over to the next block so there will be plenty of parking for your friends when they arrive!

Stock up on Earth-Day-Themed party goods at your local Party Zone! or Fiesta Barn. Get your Earth Day Paper Plates, Earth Day Paper Napkins, and of course some nice GREEN Earth Day Plastic Silverware!

For the party itself, you can truly have an Earth-themed "bash" by taking turns bashing on an Earth Piñata! You can make one of your own by using an old globe, filling it with yummy candy treats like green M&Ms, or perhaps some cute little plastic mini-toys from ever-green China and then covering your earth with bits of tissue paper!.

Enjoy your Earth Day Party!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Frieda Bellows Fails to Appreciate High-Quality Journalism


I'm getting tired of you wasting my time by printing stories about students in some city that's not even Alameda. I expect to read things about Alameda in the Alameda Daily Noose! How am I supposed to get worked up about things that don't even affect me? Bring back Roger Grumbel! He knows what stories to run!

Frieda Bellows

[Editor Note: Miss Bellows would do well to remember that her precious Roger Grumbel also published stories about cities that are not Alameda, before he turned the editorship over to someone who is better equipped for the rigors of investigative journalism. Readers should feel lucky to have such a well-run noosepaper in town now.]

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Berkeley Students Protest Unfair Fee Increases

In its efforts to close its budget gap, a cash-strapped university in Berkeley has raised the ire of its students with its so-called solutions. Recently, the school administrators unfairly targeted a small group of students who were said to have instigated an earlier protest against raising student fees to help cover the shortfall. The protest leaders were notified that they would be responsible for paying the costs that arose from their occupation of a campus building. Expenses incurred included the cost of repairing damage caused by the protest and the response of law-enforcement officers, and the extra time required for the university's janitorial staff to clean up the mess left by the protest.

When divided among the students identified as the leaders of the protest, the cost per student came to nearly a thousand dollars. When the students in question and their supporters vehemently protested this stiff penalty, pointing out that it was unfair or so few to bear the entire financial burden of the protest clean-up, the school administration offered a compromise; it proposed to spread the costs evenly among all students through a temporary fee increase.

Students expressed their righteous outrage over this latest proposal by breaking certain items of school and private property, and spray-painting the slogan "No Fee Increases!" on several campus buildings, as well as on a nearby regent's house. One protester, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "Nothing makes me feel better about having to pay more money than breaking some stuff. Besides, vandalism shows how serious we are about our education."

As of press time, the University had not yet calculated the cost of repairs and paint removal from this latest protest against fee increases to cover the cost of damage from the previous protest against fee increases.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Grumpy Majority Has Had More Than Enough


I believe my wife and I are the grumpy majority when it comes to those darn Alameda schools telling us over and over again that they need tax money to educate children. And when I say that the two of us are the majority, I mean that I don't think there are actually more than three registered voters in the entire city of Alameda, but all of those smart-alecky kids keep trying to convince us that there are people in this town who are voting to pay their own money to keep schools open. Hogwash! Nobody ever pays willingly for something they don't use, which reminds me, I'm sick of paying for roads, too. I'm not able to drive anymore, and the pizza delivery guy can hack his way through a jungle with a machete for all I care. Why should I pay for roads that he can drive on and I can't?

Getting back to those pesky kids, though, we have had more than enough of their whining about wanting to be "literate" and "productive members of society." If they'd never gotten "educated" at all in the first place, they wouldn't know how to fix the elections so that these taxes keep passing even though my wife and I should be able to defeat every measure with our solid majority of two to one. So we pay and pay, and these kids still aren't satisfied because they want to get more education so they can become CEO's or Wall Street bankers and give themselves huge illegal bonuses. We all know that's the only kind of job you need an "education" for. If we adults in Alameda want to be safe from crime and be able to enjoy our rare stamp collections in peace, we have to make sure that the next generation is stupider than we are.

You'd better watch out, you young school-age whippersnappers. The majority of Alamedans are on to you. Stop trying to be as smart as we are!

Shay Ken McCain

Monday, April 12, 2010

Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose Leads the Way in Breaking Avian Stories

We at the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose think that Roger Grumbel deserves a hand for doing an okay job of editing last week, even though he must have been a little rusty from months of retirement. We have to admit that he used to do good work, in fact even ground-breaking work judging from the way that so many other online "news" sources seem to be trying to catch up with him these days, especially in the realm of stories about Alameda's bird population.

In recent weeks, other, more slow-moving reporters have been following in the footsteps of the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose with their investigations on birds. We are glad to see that they are finally starting to understand the importance of such stories, even though it took them years to catch up to us on the subject of egrets, and even longer to pick up on the truth about terns.

Naturally, the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose has long been on the cutting edge of tern coverage and egret updates. Although no-one else does it as well as we do, at least they are now trying. It shouldn't take a very sophisticated observer to see just how seriously these stories deserve to be taken.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: A Heartfelt, Green Tribute to the Greenest Journalist I Know

Oh, I was just so excited when I found out that Roger Grumbel is editing the Alameda Daily Noose this week! I thought, "How can I rise to the occasion and write a special column to celebrate Roger's return from retirement?" Then it hit me: recycling! Roger loves to recycle old items by running them again in the pages of the Alameda Daily Noose, so in the spirit of Roger Grumbel, I am re-running one of my best columns from a time when Roger was the regular editor of the noosepaper. When you're done re-reading it, I'm sure you'll agree that this week feels just like old times!

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Green Spring Cleaning

In Spring, a person's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of cleaning. But wait! Before you pull the trigger on that bottle of spray cleaning solution, have you read the label? I've read a lot of labels in the course of my in-depth green living research, and let me tell you, some of the things on those labels are scary! For your own peace of mind, take a look at what's in your cleaning closet. If you see yucky-sounding words like "Chlorinated phenols" or "Perchloroethylene" on your usual cleaning products, it could be time for a change.

When you see a label like that, immediately remove it from the container of cleaning product. Then, cut out the Green Cleaning label below, and tape it onto the container where the old label was.
Presto! No more scary words. By the way, you might also want to write in a description of what the product is for, so that you don't accidentally wash your clothes in bleach, or Armor All your carpet instead of shampooing it.

Once you get those nasty labels out of your life, you'll rediscover the joy of cleaning with a clear conscience. So come on, everyone, and let's do some green washing!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Lon Geddoff Warns That Dave Williamson May Crash and Burn


That Dave Williamson can't seem to cover the Zeppelin threat the way you do, Roger. You need to give that kid some pointers or something. You'd better hurry, too, because at this rate he's going to crash and burn before we know it, although not necessarily in that order. Do you want to see him run the Alameda Daily Noose, or the Inaction Alameda Daily Alamedan Inaction, or whatever he's calling it, into the ground?

Meanwhile, the Zeppelin traffic just keeps getting worse.

Lon Geddoff

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Adoring Fan Lays Some Gilt on the Alameda Daily Noose and Me

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have just received a welcome-back gift from an adoring fan who explained that she had picked it up at an auction last year, but then realized that she didn't have enough clear wall space in which to hang it. The Alameda Daily Noose and I don't have that problem, since we are always careful to keep plenty of wall space open for displaying any plaques and certificates we might receive for our excellent journalism and other fine achievements. We were happy to accept the beautifully framed mirror, which not only allows us to admire our dashing looks, but also has the rare property of scattering and deflecting any feelings of personal responsibility that may arise in the course of investigative journalism or other ordinary daily activities.

The "guilt mirror," as this type of looking-glass is commonly known, is apparently enjoying a resurgence in popularity. Many people in Alameda are becoming increasingly aware of environmental or societal problems for which they might be inclined to feel some blame, but the guilt mirror reflects those feelings in such a way that, to the eye of him who gazes into the mirror, the guilt lands squarely on other people.

We understand that the fan who put in the high bid on this valuable heirloom still has not gotten around to sending her check to pay for it, but that's really none of our business. We plan to simply enjoy our new gilt-framed guilt mirror in the manner in which it is meant to be enjoyed: guilt-free.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Marlene Verloren Wants the Alameda Daily Noose and Me the Way We Used to Be


Thank goodness you are back in the editor's chair, even if only for a short time. From the moment I saw you nursing that overgrown Mai Tai at La Rana Gigante, I knew something was not right. Looking at you that night from across that dark bar, I felt a journalistic yearning I have not felt in years. What is it they say? "You don't know what you got till it's gone."

I didn't think it was right to say anything, but that young Dave Williamson fellow just doesn't have your knack for getting right to the heart of matters here in Alameda. Sure, he does his research, but somehow I just don't get as outraged by his conclusions as I did when you ran the noosepaper.

Before you turn the Alameda Daily Noose back over to him, can't you at least get him to change it back to the way it used to look? It's so much harder to read now that he's replaced the bold yellow and black with that pasty blue-and-white color scheme, the colors of a child, in his little sailor suit. Now I know I want your dark and serious prose, black like your troubled yet manly spirit, set against the gold of your glittering insight. Yes, the old Alameda Daily Noose is the only noosepaper that can make me feel young again.

Marlene Verloren

Monday, April 5, 2010

Noose Man in Classic Sense Called Out of Retirement for One Last Job

In the course of his duty to promote Miss Grumpy Alameda, Editor-in-Chief, Ace Reporter, Pulitzer-Prize-Eligible Photographer, President, Vice-President, Chairman, and Publisher of the Alameda Daily Noose Dave Williamson has accompanied the aspiring Grumpy pageant contestant on a tour to some cities that are not Alameda. In his absence, I, Roger Grumbel, have no choice but to temporarily come out of retirement for this one last job. It's a miracle that I am even able to fit any editing into my busy post-retirement schedule, but I am well aware that no-one else is qualified to do it, and that even Dave Williamson was finding it challenging to fill my eminent shoes.

Now, we know that some of you may be thinking, "But Roger, isn't it difficult for you to jump right back into the game after two full months of retirement?" But you needn't worry on my account. I am just as familiar with the going-on in Alameda as I have ever been, since I never left the island nation except for that one gig that the "Ja, und das ist Polka!" band played at La Rana Gigante, which is just across the bridge from Alameda.

So I am sure that all of our loyal readers will rejoice in my week-long return to the editorial desk, and will reap many informational benefits from this brief reviving of the glory days of the Alameda Daily Noose. I'm not sure who left all these tangles of wires and little boxes on the desk, but I think I can work around them. The only alternative would have been to put the Alameda Daily Noose in the hands of someone unfit for the demands of the job, or to let the page go blank for a time. And what kind of fool would just leave fans wondering what had become of all the insightful stories and enlightening images? No, an empty noosepaper is not an option. Our readers deserve better.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Your Easter with Personal Rabbit Transit 2.0

If you're like me, you look forward to Easter as a time to enjoy the wonders of nature by hopping in your hybrid SUV to take the whole family out for Sunday brunch. And since driving a hybrid is good for the environment, you're actually improving the natural world as you drive! But if there's one thing that's even greener than a hybrid SUV for getting you around, it's Personal Rabbit Transit (PRT).

PRT is an all-natural, rabbit-powered mode of transportation. To see how this amazing new form of transportation works, take a look at the demonstration video, which I'm told was produced at a test facility set up on that old military base that was discovered a couple of years ago on the west end of Alameda. As you can see, the second generation of PRT has improved by leaps and bounds over earlier prototypes, which I first learned about from the Alameda Daily Noose. In those early models, the rider was exposed to the elements, but the addition of the stream-lined, egg-shaped pod means you won't have to worry about any April showers on your way to brunch. Each member of your family can travel by means of a separate rabbit, making it many times better for the environment than a single SUV.

So have a Happy Easter, and let's make it even greener than last year's!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Miss Grumpy Alameda Making Headlines Yet Again

With the California title in her sights, Miss Grumpy Alameda is training hard. Those who wish to cheer her on can witness her freestyle grumping sessions on most days at Gym's Coffee Clutch, where she usually starts her day with a warm-up rant to anyone who will listen, and then proceeds to more complex forms of complaining.

As part of her training, Miss Grumpy Alameda has been composing headlines of the sort that might be suitable for stories in the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose by Inaction Alameda. Classics such as "What Are They Thinking?" or "Somebody's Trying to Change Something, and I Don't Like It!" could easily be adapted to a number of different Noose stories that might develop in the future.

We know it will improve Miss Grumpy Alameda's chances in the statewide competition when she can say that she has literally been making headlines, almost on a daily basis. That's the kind of thing that judges look for.

Also, in observation of the official U.S. census date today, Miss Grumpy Alameda will be complaining loudly about the amount of paperwork citizens are expected to fill out for the census. In the process, she may include criticism of the way in which Alamedans are counted, which is the same as the way everyone outside Alameda is counted, even though we pay more in taxes than they do. Alamedans should probably count double, at least. This particular rant is scheduled for 1:00 p.m. today, on the steps of City Hall, which may provide further fodder for her complaining. An Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose reporter will be there to cover the event, which is expected to draw at least 100 people.