Now, I never read those sorry excuses for "newspapers" that claim to compete with the Alameda Daily Noose, but a piece of one of those worthless things was blowing around the street the other day and plastered itself to the windshield of my car just as I was getting in it. As I peeled the offending paper off my car, these words caught my eye: "…gigantic acorn…."
I knew there must be some mistake, because if there had been any incidents with a gigantic acorn, I would have read about it in the Alameda Daily Noose. Well, I looked more closely at that darned paper, and it turned out it wasn't even from Alameda. It makes no sense, but someone must have brought a newspaper over here from San Francisco, where they printed a letter from someone in a completely different town that is having a problem with gigantic acorns, and consequently with fat Squirrels.
The amazing thing, though, is that this letter writer has discovered that Squirrels control the weather. There's no explanation of how this works, but when Squirrels eat gigantic acorns, they get fat, and that causes a colder winter.
We'd better make sure there aren't any giant acorns growing in Alameda, because our winters are already cold enough! And with global warming, our summers are too hot, and I suppose that Squirrels (maybe extra-skinny Squirrels) are to blame for that, too. The bottom line is that all of our problems are caused by Squirrels, and whether they are increasing in number or just increasing in size, they are clearly working to collectively outweigh us.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009