Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Lon Geddoff Sets Frieda Bellows Straight on Doughnut Hole Story


I can't believe you published that ridiculous letter from Frieda Bellows about doughnut holes, without any kind of comment or anything. She doesn't understand that when the government talks about "The Donut Hole," they mean the drive-thru shop where I always get my daily dozen. They want to close The Donut Hole because of some nonsense about donuts not being healthy, and on top of depriving us of donuts, they want to make senior citizens go to the doctor even when we feel okay. They call it preventive medicine, and I don't like it!

Why are they trying to force good health on everyone? It's my right as an American to go bankrupt trying to pay off inflated drug and hospital bills. If I want to die prematurely, without leaving behind so much as a penny to help my children cover the funeral costs, that's my business!

If anything needs to be prevented, it's this healthcare reform nonsense. It's just another example of government trying to tell us what to do! Well, let me tell you, they will have to pry my right to go broke and die from my cold, dead fingers! And the same goes for the doughnuts.

Lon Geddoff

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Jack-Booted Government Thugs Threaten Our Seniors' Pastries


I keep hearing people say that the federal government is trying to save money by taking doughnut holes away from senior citizens. First, they try to ban our doughnuts, then they try to take away even our doughnut holes! How are we supposed to defend ourselves?

Frieda Bellows

Monday, March 29, 2010

Imperial Forces Take Over Alameda Library

We warned you. But did anyone listen? Time and again, the Alameda Daily Noose sounded the alarm that fishy things were afoot at the Alameda Library, as they first stocked books written by people who don't even live here, and then expanded their already inappropriate collection to include smut.

But now, there is no denying that all of those ominous signs were pointing to the same thing...our city, including the public library, is under the thumb of the Evil Empire.
Yes, all of those mysterious meeting that the City Council held behind closed doors must have been meetings with none other than the Evil Emperor. For all those years, they tried to make us believe that the outrageous size of the new library was necessary to hold all of the "books" and spaces for "students" to do "homework," while in truth they were building it to conceal the massive death ray that we can only conclude is aimed straight at the heart of Alameda.

Of course, if the library's death ray were fully operational, they would already have used it against us. That means there is still time! If every Right-Thinking Alamedan refuses to pay any overdue book fines, we will cut off the funding for their secret project. And while we stage our noble rebellion, be sure not to check out any additional materials, or indeed to set foot in the not-so-free library for any reason, because as you can see, they will be waiting for you.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Another Tip for Green Pest Control

If you're like me, you're always forgetting to put the lid back on the sugar bowl after sprinkling your organic cornflakes. Well, the other day, I was shocked to discover the open bowl swarming with ants! There must have been nearly three of them! Of course, my first impulse was to grab my can of Raid Green, but I suddenly remembered how woozy the smell of it makes me when I use it outdoors. Using it inside would probably just make that problem worse.

Hoping for a green but more pleasant alternative, I went online and found out that the very sugar that seems to attract ants can also be used to help destroy them. As soon as I saw that, I knew what to do. Hopping in my hybrid SUV, I drove to Wal-Mart and bought a bunch of the biggest bags of sugar I could find. Then I dumped them out in one of those places that the City reserves for people to drop off old couches, rags, empty beer bottles, t.v.'s, random construction debris and other junk, reasoning that such a location would be safe for the aerial bombing that might be necessary to destroy the ants once they all congregated on the huge sugar pile.

You see, I remembered that this strategy worked well in the 1954 documentary Them! You can see from the picture above, taken from that film, that the giant ants are climbing up a big pile of sugar, where they make an easy target for the aircraft above.

So remember, all-natural products like sugar can allow us to use nature to fight nature, and that's what being green is all about!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Are We Great? Do Investigative Bears Report in the Journalistic Woods?

Dear Daily Noose,

I was really offended that you characterized the second-rate news reporter who is challenging our mayoral candidates as a bungling "cub reporter."

It is clear to me that this reporter is no cub, but is instead a full-grown grizzly bear, intrepidly uncovering the many slugs that lie beneath the rotten stumps in this town.

Why am I so sure? Because:

1) He says he's an "investigative journalist." Everyone knows that in order to be an investigative journalist, you need to have quite a few years of experience in basic journalism under your belt. Ergo, if he says he's an investigative journalist, he can't be a cub reporter. Some even say he's the only investigative journalist in town. Don't you get it?

2) He has background sources. Have you ever noticed how often this investigative journalist says stuff like, "some say the fix was already in" or "some say this reflects on his character?" Journalists for the Totally Co-Opted Mainstream Newspapers say things like, "A highly placed official who wasn't willing to speak on the record said..." But why waste words? Just say "some say." Sounds authoratative!

3) His coverage is balanced. First he interviews someone he agrees with. Then he quotes a mysterious background source who agrees with him. Then he quotes his own prior articles in the comment section. Three kinds of sources! That's balance! Haven't you ever seen a three-legged stool?

In the future, please be more respectful of the investigative journalist in this town. You know he's the only one who knows what's REALLY going on.

Another Grumpy Newbie

[Editor note - If this reader thinks that the cub reporter we mentioned yesterday is really a grizzly, then we can only imagine that in this reader's eyes, we must be…well, we don't know, something even bigger and more powerful…like…like a a 700-foot-tall mutant bear with X-ray vision and atomic breath or something. Or at least its journalistic equivalent, in stature, insight and destructive power.]

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Cub Reporter Bungles Attempt to Get Alameda Mayoral Candidates to Answer Perfectly Fair Questions on Parcel Tax

Last week we received an e-mail from Alameda mayoral candidate Anthony Daysog, in which he shamelessly ducked a series of perfectly fair questions about the $659/year (residential) parcel tax recently approved by the Alameda Unified School District.

These perfectly fair questions were apparently posed by a cub reporter for some second-string news outlet we've never heard of. Although we admire his pluck... it's pretty clear that he needs a bit more practice at posing questions in a fair and balanced manner that is sure to elicit a response....

For example, instead of asking this...

Knowing that the redevelopment association is keeping money from the schools, do you endorse the parcel tax?

It would have been much more perfectly fair to ask....

Knowing that the cold-hearted cabal at the quote-unquote redevelopment association is twirling its collective mustache and laughing diabolically as it prepares to tie our sweet, innocent children to the railroad tracks of underfunding, all the time with the locomotive of fiscal catastrophe bearing down upon them, do you nevertheless still pig-headedly insist on endorsing this travesty of a farce of a charade of a so-called parcel tax?

Normally, we wouldn't embarrass a potential fellow journalist by exposing such substandard work to public criticism, but we believe it would be instructive for our readers to compare such a well-meaning but underdeveloped piece to the impeccable work that we turn out every day here at the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose by Inaction Alameda. For all of those aspiring reporters out there, we'll give you ten extra credit points if you can correct all of the stylistic and content shortcomings of the full list of questions that we received, and mail your revisions to us at:

Here is the e-mail we received.

From: Anthony Daysog
Sent: Tuesday, March 16, 2010 9:31 PM
To: Mowster; Michele at the Island of Alameda;
Eve at the Island of Alameda;
P Hegarty at Bay Area News Group;
D Evanosky at Alameda Sun; Sam Felsing;
C Johnson at SF Chronicle;
Carolyn Jones at SF Chronicle;
J Diaz at SF Chronicle;
C Rux at Bay Area News Group;
Daniel Aaron Jacobson;
Robert Gammon at East Bay Express;
R Gammon at East Bay Express;
SED Writer; Lauren Do; Alameda Daily Noose;
Dan at Karelia; JKW Blog;
J P Tracey at Alameda Sun; Barbara Kahn

Subject: Re: Media Inquiry:Will you endorse
AUSD Parcel Tax?

Yes, I endorse the upcoming parcel tax measure
wholeheartedly. Our schools need the funding
because of the dramatic cuts made by Sacramento

The fact of the matter is that when prospective
residents and/or businesses look for places to
locate, the first question on their mind is, "How
good are the schools?" So, we need the best
possible school district if we hope to be the
progressive, world-class city we are striving to

So, yes, I wholeheartedly endorse the parcel tax.
Thanks for asking. All the best.

- Tony Daysog : )

--- On Wed, 3/17/10, David Howard wrote:

From: David Howard
Subject: Media Inquiry:Will you endorse AUSD Parcel
To: Frank at Frank for Mayor,
D Linney at Next Generation, Tony Daysog,
M Gilmore at Ci Alameda CA US
Cc: Mowster
Date: Wednesday, March 17, 2010, 1:59 AM
On behalf of Action Alameda News... note that I
also write occaisionally for on
Alameda County issues, so I might write about this
there as well, your response, or non-response as
the case may be....

This message is being sent to the three self-
declared Alameda Mayoral candidates, Frank
Matarrese, Marie Gilmore and Tony Daysog....

As you well know by now, earlier this week AUSD
passed a replacement tax, representing a 114%
increase in the combined amount of Measures A and H
for residential property owners. ($659/yr v.

My questions for each of you, are, given the

1) California Redevelopment Association suit to
block State re-allocation of local redevelopment
funds to schools.

Superior Court for Sacramento County, California
Redevelopment Association et al. v. Genest et al.,
Case No. 34-2009-80000359-CU-WM-GDS (CRA v. Genest)

All of you have generally been supportive of the
redevelopment/tax increment financing mechanism in
Alameda, most uniformly around the Alameda
Cineplex/theater/Parking Garage.

Frank, on SunCal's Measure B, you raised the issue
of State taking away redevelopment money as being a
financial problem for SunCal's proposed development
plan for Alameda Point.

Tony, you lent your name to the PtP endorser's

Marie, you (belatedly) spoke out against Measure B.

Given this, do you support the Redevelopment's
association lawsuit to block the re-allocation of
local redevelopment funds for schools?

Knowing that the redevelopment association is
keeping money from the schools, do you endorse the
parcel tax?

2) In a recent article, Dennis Green spoke about
the "de facto segregation" of Alameda schools -
largely White and Asian populations in East End,
Bay Farm and Gold Coast elementary schools, and
more "diversity" in the West-end schools, like
Paden, Franklin, and Ruby Bridges. The publicly
available enrollment data backs this up:

AUSD's master plan, approved on Feb 23rd,
acknowledges the achievement gap between African-
American / Hispanic and White / Asian students and
talks about "Plan A" needing a parcel tax. However,
the parcel tax ballot language makes no committent
to allocate funds to address that gap. Indeed, the
ballot language approved earlier this week doesn't
mention the achievement gap at all.

Given this, do you plan to endorse the parcel tax
as written, with no allocation specifically for
addressing the documented achievement gap?

Do you think a parcel tax should such as that
approved by the AUSD Board earlier this week set
aside funds to address this achievement gap?

Please respond by close of business this Friday,
March 19th, if you can. Or let me know when you can
respond. All responses in writing, please.



Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Clueless Reader Again Needs Us to Explain Even the Most Obvious Facts


Why do you keep publishing all these stories about Squirrels instead of paying more attention to real problems in Alameda? You went and changed a bunch of other things from the way that Roger Grumbel used to do them, but then the one thing you should have changed, you didn't.

And another thing, you completely ignored my question about what your journalistic credentials are. I remember you had some vague excuses for the tabloid headline and so forth, but you never said what qualifies you to run a noosepaper.

Dubious Reader

[Editor Note: What qualifies us to run a noosepaper? Our readers. We care about them far too deeply to ever betray the absolute trust they place in our skill, honesty, and personal integrity.]

Monday, March 22, 2010

Movie Provides Exciting New Strategy in Global War on Squirrels

Dear Editor,

As a right-thinking Alamedan, I am, of course, firmly opposed to Squirrels and the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. However, I recently found out about a new film that might give fresh ammunition to the anti-Squirrel forces here in town.

I refer, of course, to "Hot Tub Time Machine." I happened to see a poster for this upcoming feature and noticed that it had a Squirrel, along with several popular Hollywood actors. At first, I was outraged, figuring that this would be yet another Tinseltown picture glamorizing the scuirine menace, in the tradition of the Nutty Squirrels and Rocky the Flying Squirrel. However, a little Internet research proved that this movie might just help humans win the war on Squirrels once and for all!

According to an Australian review, "Hot Tub Time Machine" includes "a wince-inducing projectile vomiting scene in which a squirrel gets plastered and knocked off a ledge." I am not sure if the author means that the Squirrel in the movie drinks to excess, or that one of the human characters vomits on the vile creature. The review notes that "the squirrel lives," but since Alamedans are the best at everything, including projectile vomiting, I have no doubt that we can borrow this cinematic strategy to help rid our island of Squirrels. I can tell you that when this movie opens, I'll be in the front row of the theater, taking notes!

Edith M. Rigiro

Friday, March 19, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Electronic Recycling

Great news! I've just discovered a new high-tech way to be green. Up until now, when readers e-mailed me their feedback on my columns, I would just print out the messages and keep them on file until I'd researched all of the questions, or incorporated any good suggestions, and then put them in my big, blue recycling bin and roll it out to the curb. Next, I'd congratulate myself for having a nice, full recycling bin ready for pick-up.

We all know that recycling is good for the planet, so the more things you recycle, the greener you are! That's why I was excited to find out that there is more than one way to recycle an e-mail message. It turns out that my computer has a little electronic recycling bin. I'm told that other people's computers also have these virtual recycling bins, so you can join me in increasing your recycling. It seems that some people even get together in big groups for special electronic recycling events that they somehow turn into fund raisers.

But it's easy to get started with electronic recycling right in your own home. First, print out your e-mail messages, and do whatever you please with them until it's time to recycle them. Then, you can not only put the paper copy in your blue bin, but also put the original electronic copy in the cute little recycle bin icon on your computer's desktop. It probably looks something like this:
Just send your old messages and other e-waste to this little icon and bingo! You'll be twice as green as you were before, with just a click of the mouse. Who knew that electronic recycling could be so easy?

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Inaction Alameda's "Wear Green" Campaign an Uninhibited Success

Rumors are flooding into our noose desk that our "wear green" campaign, which we launched only yesterday, was an uninhibited success. Throughout Alameda, citizens got into the spirit; by all accounts, in fact, their spirits were quite high. It seems that the taxpayers are so fed up with big-government control of their movements that they went beyond our suggestion of wearing green clothing and extended it to their beverages as well.

So great was moral indignation of Right Thinking Alamedans everywhere that sometimes it was difficult to understand what they were saying; obviously, they were so intoxicated with righteous outrage that their speech was a bit slurred. We noticed an unusual amount of kissing going on and, as the ones who single-handedly summoned forth this great green crusade, we were definitely feeling the love.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Wear Green for a Good Cause

Alamedans may have noticed that the traffic in our island city is almost unbearable. And to make matters worse, our city officials expect residents to stop every few blocks for arbitrary red lights, just because they need to install expensive traffic control equipment to justify the outrageous taxes we pay. It's just common sense that car trips in Alameda would be much faster if those signal lights were always green.

To show our so-called leaders how important this issue is, the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose by Inaction Alameda encourages all of our readers to wear green today, to show that we need to give the green light to an idea whose time has come. Let's have an army of green-clad taxpayers driving down Alameda's streets today.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Even More Effusive Praise From Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose Readers

Yesterday's noose item on the Future Grumps of Alameda is already generating a buzz, well before the fund-raiser. Our article inspired the following thought-provoking anonymous comment:

"Hello,nice post thanks for sharing?. I just joined and I am going to catch up by reading for a while. I hope I can join in soon."

We at the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose by Inaction Alameda encourage this brave reader, and all of our other openly anonymous readers to "join in" today, and every day. Just send your complaints, criticisms and perfectly fair questions to:

Miss Grumpy Alameda does a lot to preserve our unique quality of life in Alameda, but there's always room for more grumpiness. We just hope that yesterday's admiring commenter really does catch up by reading all of our previous articles, so that he or she will realize that they are not "posts." This is an internet noosepaper. We don't know how many times we have to repeat that to get it through people's thick skulls. It's as if they have no idea what the difference is between a "blog" and a noosepaper. The difference is so obvious that we can't waste our time pointing it out. You people just need to educate yourselves.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Future Grumps of Alameda Need Your Help

On Saturday, March 20th, at the Rusty Scupper restaurant, Miss Grumpy Alameda will be holding a fund-raiser to provide Future Grumps of Alameda scholarships to young Alamedans in need of instruction in the fine art of complaining. In a statement released today, Miss Grumpy said, "Kids these days are only interested in helping other people, and doing it with a smile. That's not Alameda! Somebody needs to put these fresh-faced do-gooders on the right track, and teach them how to work up a good rant. The future of Alameda is at stake, so bring your kids and grandkids to the fund-raiser, and we'll kick of the evening with a demonstration of classic grumpiness. That's the kind of education kids should be getting."

As of press time, tickets for the event are still available, if you know who to ask. As usual, the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose is not covering this event because we are being paid to promote Miss Grumpy Alameda. We are doing it despite that.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Saving Some Green This St. Patrick's Day

Oh, boy! It's almost time for St. Patrick's Day again. I sure enjoyed the parade last year, with all of those eco-conscious participants, and I learned a lot about St. Patrick. I just love holidays, and I also love thinking up new ways to enjoy them in the cleanest, greenest way possible. As you may know, St. Patrick's Day is already one of the greenest holidays around, but hold onto your gold-buckled hats, because we're about to green it up some more!

This year, I was going to give friends and relatives little Paddy's Day gifts like homemade soda bread or crubeens, or buy them some of those pretty, potted shamrock plants. Well, imagine my delight when I recently discovered some shamrocks growing right in my own yard! I haven't been lucky enough to find one with four leaves yet, but they do have darling yellow flowers, that are as bright as a leprechaun's gold.

I was surprised to find these little gems growing in a part of the yard where even my Kentucky bluegrass has a hard time. But come rain or shine, the spunky, clover-shaped leaves keep popping up like weeds! So instead of spending a lot of green this St. Patrick's Day, I'm going to dig some up in my own yard. A little creative recycling of various containers will give me all the pots I need, and I'll be able to share my shamrocks with everyone I know.

I've noticed that these yellow flowers seem to grow in some other places around town, too. You might even find some of this gold in your own yard, if you look carefully, or ask the right leprechaun. If you do find some, you'll be all set to make your own earth-friendly gifts for the holiday.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Squirrels Are Online! (We Told You So…)


While web-designing Aliens are clearly a threat to Alameda, I am concerned that you have not been paying enough attention lately to the ever-present threat of the Sciurine Menace. Not content with corrupting our innocent youth by means of their delicious candy, their novelty T-shirts, and their insidious videos, Squirrels have now launched an all-out techno-offensive! I recently came across a so-called "Twitter feed" written by a Squirrel:

Every chit-chit-chit, scratch and dig is lovingly described by the Twittering Squirrel. This outright glamorization of the Squirrel lifestyle has so far attracted over 14,000 followers, over 400 times more people than are currently following Alameda Mayoral Candidate Frank Matarrese:

If you ask me, Frank, like the rest of Alameda's candidates, are not paying a sufficient amount of attention to the threat of Squirrels. Now that their hollow trees are equipped with wi-fi and computers, there is no time to waste in wholeheartedly recommitting to Measure Acorn!

Imelda Jackson-Perge

[Editor note - In another sad testament to the journalistic ignorance of our readership, Ms. Jackson-Perge seems to have forgotten that the Alameda Daily Noose and Roger Grumbel broke the Twittering Squirrel story over ten months ago, on May 26, 2009; however, given her pure-hearted devotion to Measure Acorn, we will let her off the hook…this time.]

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Yet Another Reader Just Doesn't Get It


What's up with the great big headline on yesterday's story? I could read it from across the room, without my glasses.

Ever since you took over the Alameda Daily Noose from Roger Grumbel, it seems like it's been getting less like a noosepaper, and more like some kind of tabloid, with the garish colors, the big ads, and the unfounded conspiracy theories.

Roger always had some kind of basis for his wild conspiracy theories. It was easy to see what made him a nooseman in the classic sense, but what are your press credentials? How do we know you're not just pretending to be a journalist and making up all of these weird stories?

Dubious Reader

[Editor note - It's called investigative reporting. Of course, anonymous cowards like "Dubious Reader," like the rest of the benighted people in this town, wouldn't recognize real journalism if it bit them on the Asahi Shimbun. First of all, big stories' demand big headlines. We've been told that that is the first thing you learn in journalism school. As for the color, we understand that some rag called the San Francisco Chronicle just recently started using color. We're glad to see that they've caught up with us. We're sorry if our advertising offends your delicate sensibilities; I guess you just didn't realize that we're merely following the example of world-famous publications like The Economist and the Wall Street Journal, which also rely on tasteful and informative advertising, just like us. All of you so-called readers need to wake up and see that we are the only source of investigative journalism that has ever existed in the island city of Alameda, at least in living memory.]

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


Intrepid investigative reporter blows lid off scandal!

No-bid contract included ultra-long-distance calls, interplanetary travel expenses!

Last year, the Alameda Unified School District entered into a $65,536 contract with a Martian consulting firm for "design and programming of AUSD website redesign." The same firm worked on the successful passage of Measure Shech, the 20-yanuv extension of the ½-kuph sales tax used to fund intergalactic infrastructure projects such as the construction of the much-anticipated fourth wormhole of the Alpha Centauri hyperspace bypass.

Inaction Alameda News made the discovery in the process of watching Teenagers from Outer Space, a prescient 1959 documentary about the troubles that can arise controversial practice of filling space in Alameda's high schools with students from outside the district, drawing first from beyond the estuary and later, inevitably, from beyond the solar system. A close second watching of the film, followed by critical readings of several supporting comic books, finally allowed us to connect the dots you see here.

Zaxxov & Miag

According to our sources, Miimezh Zaxxov and Maghgheph Miag run a Mars-based "Interplanetary and Intergalactic Consulting" firm called "Zaxxov & Miag." On their hyperdimensional holographic infoportal, they list "grassroots organizing," "direct mail" and "armed invasion of Class-M planets" among their services offered. They don't list "website redesign and programming" as a service offered. Yet, in March, 2009, Zaxxov & Miag issued an invoice to AUSD for $65,536, with the explanation "Invoice for cost of website redesign and programming from 3/09-06/09."

This highly unusual no-bid contract immediately aroused our suspicions. Everybody knows that the school district's alleged website could not possibly have cost anywhere near $65,536 to redesign. This fine website, for example, is at least 65,536 times better than anything AUSD could put together, yet the revenue we receive from our advertising doesn't even begin to approach $65,536. The only possible explanation is that the funds were used for extraordinary purposes like ultra-long-distance holophone calls and interplanetary travel expenses.

Holophone calls to both Miimezh Zaxxov and Maghgheph Miag for comment on this story were not returned by press time.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Fans Agree That the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose by Inaction Alameda is "Great"

Recently, a brave anonymous hero left this comment on the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose:

Great Site. Was added to mybookmarks. Greetings From USA.

Clearly, this comment was made by a discerning reader with a keen intellect. This proves that the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose has a broad appeal even outside the island city of Alameda, since the commenter is sending greetings from that nearby landmass, the United States of America.

This is not the first time that a reader has given us high praise. So, all of those naysayers who make noises about this not being the greatest noosepaper ever, or about missing the editorial touch of Roger Grumbel, would do best to admit that they were wrong. And since they were wrong, there is no need for them to express their opinions on any other subject ever again, because those opinions are also sure to be wrong. Here at the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose by Inaction Alameda, all of the work that we do is 100% great.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Your Mindset

If you're like me, you're probably the first person on your block to notice when a neighbor brings home a brand new, clean, green, hybrid SUV, or builds a solar-heated swimming pool. When I see something like that, I almost always think "Ooh! I wish I had one of those, or maybe even two or three."

Until recently, I felt guilty about coveting my neighbors' possessions this way, but then I had a mental breakthrough. You see, envy is a very green emotion. They don't call it "the green-eyed monster" for nothing! The more envy we feel, the greener we'll be! That means that it's not only good to take note of all the environmentally friendly products that our neighbors buy, but also to work at inspiring envy in them in return. We should always be sure to flaunt our newest green purchases as much as possible, preferably waving them around as soon as they are unloaded from the SUV, or exclaiming loudly when they are delivered on the flatbed truck.

Soon, your whole neighborhood will be buying more green products, which is good for the environment. They will probably also be getting rid of the old things they are replacing, most likely by recycling them, which is also good for the environment! That's what we call a win-win, so let's all remember how important it is to be green with envy.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Reader Hopes to Stop Bad Idea before It's Too Late


I was recently browsing the "Shop Park Street" web site in order to try to find a mechanic who can get my '37 Duesenberg back in good working order, when I saw the following shocking item:

The Alameda Theater is a masterpiece of Moderne architecture.…

Following its closure, the theater has been leased to a number of groups for various activities starting in 1979, including a roller skating rink, gymnastics school, and cabaret. There is intense interest within the community in having the theater returned to its original splendor and purpose.

I am outraged by the suggestion that any right-thinking Alamedan could think that this white elephant of a building should be rehabilitated and turned back into a movie theater. I predict doom and gloom for our fair city if that happens! Mark my words — young hooligans will run roughshod in the streets, and people from cities that are not Alameda will jam our bridges and tunnel in order to come see moving pictures in our town. The only thing worse than that would be using it as a roller rink. Everyone knows wheels should only be on cars, not on people.

For the good of Alameda, that theater needs to stay empty and boarded-up!

Fred Terwilliger

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Red-Blooded All-Alamedan Man Doesn't Want Sweet Swedish Nuts Rammed Down His Throat


You won't believe what those socialist Scandinavians are trying to sneak into our island nation of Alameda! They are trying to sugar-coat it, but I can see that their so-called confections are nothing more than a way to ram the failed philosophy of sharing things down our throats.

Right on the package there, it says to "leave some nuts for our furry friends", by which they obviously mean Squirrels! Well, I'm sorry, but it's no use trying to placate an angry Squirrel. For all we know, that is exactly what would jump out of the bag in the photo, if anyone were foolish enough to actually open it! Note that the Swedish are having to smuggle these packaged socialist Squirrels in through Florida, and we all know that that means they must have come by way of Cuba. That is not the kind of product that we want here in Alameda. Alameda is nothing like Cuba. For one thing, Alameda is an island. When are people going to understand that?

Here in Alameda, we don't have any extra nuts to be throwing to the socialist Squirrels, with their cockamamie schemes for universal pecan coverage. We need every one of our nuts right here.

Lon Geddoff

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

It's the "Editorial Wii"!

Rumor has it that the Naitendo company's long-awaited "Editorial Wii" game will soon hit the market. The original plan for release of the game was delayed after testing of the prototype by real editors hit some snags. The game was designed to be played by multiple "editors" on a single board, all contributing to the point score for making balanced arguments. Unfortunately, Naitendo discovered that a few of the editors didn't have a leg to stand on, so the company added an option for playing the game while seated. The advantage of this change is that the game can now be played either alone or on a board with others.

Challenges in the Editorial Wii game include stretching the truth and jumping to conclusions. One controller is motion sensitive to allow the players to hone hand-waving skills with the goal of rapidly dismissing inconvenient counter-arguments, and another features an innovative knob for giving stories the perfect spin. The seated version of the Editorial Wii bears some resemblance to Naitendo's recent hit game, the "Royal Wii," but with a greater emphasis on leaning to the left and right at unpredictable intervals, and with less chopping off of heads.

The Editorial Wii requires the use of more controllers than the relatively simple orb and scepter set included in the Royal Wii game. Being an editor is much more complex and demanding than being a monarch, so those who adopt the Editorial Wii will have to be prepared to reach for the phone in between typing up opinion pieces and retroactively editing to avoid embarrassing corrections.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Delusional Reader Clings to Paranoid Fantasies, Pastries

Dear Editor:

I read with disgust the anti-doughnut editorial disguised as a story in your Thursday edition. It's the same thing every time: some malcontent pulls a doughnut on a merchant, and suddenly you lilly-livered liberals are wringing your hands about the need for draconian doughnut control laws. Consider this, though: If dougnuts are outlawed, only outlaws will have dougnuts. Maybe that unruly customer would have thought twice about pulling his Bavarian cream if he knew the store owner was packing a loaded Danish for protection.

At the first sign of trouble, you bleeding hearts run and hide behind the skirt of the nanny state, crying, "Wah, Mommy, Mommy! There ought to be a law!" Well, you know what? We don't need more stinkin' laws; what we need is more good old-fashioned personal responsibility. After all, doughnuts don't shoot custard at people, people shoot custard at people.

Not only do your editorial opinions need adjusting, but you also can't get your facts straight. It was obvious from the drivel you published on Friday that you people in the hybrid-driving, latte-sipping world of the liberal media elite don't know anything about the U.S. military or national defense. Anyone who could think for one moment that the U.S. Army Special Forces Command is made up of a bunch of limp-wristed Gallic environmentalists clearly wouldn't know a commando from a cruller! In the wrong situation, confusing one of those for the other could be a deadly mistake. As anyone in the Armed Forces can tell you, doughnuts have a long history of military applications:

Indeed, our Founding Fathers, keenly aware of the threat posed by oppressive British pastries, enshrined in the U.S. Constitution the fundamental right of citizens to do whatever it takes defend themselves, their homes, their families, and their country:

A well regulated Bakery being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Dough-Nuts shall not be infringed.

So, go right ahead with your doughnut ban crusade, Mr. Williamson. You can have my doughnuts…when you pry them from my cold, dead hands!

Chelton Harston

[Editor note - These doughnut nuts are dishonorable and dishonest. These aren't people the rest of Alameda can work with – they will say anything to push their pro-pastry agenda. Anyone who's been around can see that their arguments are full of holes. But free speech is good.]