Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Planning Board Makes a Huge Mistake, Again!

Last night, the Alameda Planning Board made yet another huge mistake. After three hours of discussion, the Board voted on what they thought was a proposal to build a windowless building to house the Longs Drug Store in. Unfortunately, as the photo above from our intrepid photographer shows, Longs managed to sneak three small windows into the building facing the parking lot.

The Planning Board President said that the board "had thought the language was strong enough to make sure there were absolutely no windows in the building. Sadly, Longs found a loop-hole, known as the Payne exception, and managed to squeak a few in." After further discussion, the Planning Board President pointed out that all was not lost, "At least the Santa Clara side of the Building which faces the street and sidewalk has no windows at eye level, so passers-by will see only a nicely painted wall."

Monday, July 30, 2007

Happy 81st Birthday, Cap'n Everett!

Photograph of Captain Everett Street when he was 23 years old, in the prime of his seafaring days.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I would like to wish Captain Everett Street a very happy 81st birthday. Captain Street, lovingly known as "Cap'n Everett" to his friends, comes from a long line of hardy seafaring Alamedans whose nautical skills were matched only by their prowess at writing grumpy letters to the editor, delivered by carrier pigeon. Even the most ignorant, insensitive, uppity newcomer to Alameda—and you know who you are!—has probably noticed that nearly half of the thoroughfares in Our Fair City are named after famous members of Cap'n Everett's family.

Cap'n Everett sailed the seven seas until a severe case of writer's cramp finally forced him to retire in 1973. Determined to stay active, Cap'n Everett went on to open the Rusty Scupper Family Seafood Restaurant on the Alameda Riviera. The restaurant is now firmly established as one of Alameda's most beloved institutions. In addition to serving the most freshly thawed seafood in town, Cap'n Everett's Rusty Scupper also hosts concerts by Alameda's own Ja, und das ist Polka! band every Saturday night, featuring all-you-can-eat Fischer-Schnitzel and, as always, plenty of free parking.

Please join the Alameda Daily Noose and me in saluting a true Alamedan hero, Captain "Cap'n Everett" Street!

Friday, July 27, 2007

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland on Robert Wood's Commission's Secret Agenda: What's Really Going On?


I went to the City's website today to look at the packet for the upcoming meeting of Robert Wood's so-called Golf Commission, in which they will discuss their plans to increase the number of people golfing on, and consequently adding unwanted golf cart traffic to our city, as well as golf carts regularly parking in front of my house, and the agenda was not posted! WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO HIDE? It's not as if we don't all already know that golf balls kill children, whether through accidental ingestion, intentional introduction of excessive amounts of balls into the general environment, or the tragic yet all-too-common golf ball in the crotch. Golly gee willikers, I'm quaking with fear now!

I don't trust Robert Wood and his elk on the Golf Committee. All of them need to step down effective yesterday, and the Golf Board needs to be disbanded and replaced with an elected body so that the citizens can choose representatives who will more accurately reflect the community's desire to keep golfing to a minimum in Alameda. That kind of activity may be appropriate in a City like San Francisco, or in a specially designed golf community where the infrastructure has been designed to accommodate all possible future growth in golf cart traffic, but Alameda is a top-notch city, and golf doesn't help that.

Donald Kirkland

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Scoop! Alameda Daily Noose Welcomes 4,000th Visitor*

Sometime in the wee hours of Tuesday, July 24, 2007, a bold new chapter dawned in the history of our Treasured Island. Yes, the Alameda Daily Noose and I welcomed our 4,000th visitor* into our electronic living room, where we sat down on the electronic couch, cracked open a couple of electronic beers, and complained vigorously—and electronically—about the state of affairs in this town. We can now say with great pride that over 5% of every man, woman, and child in Alameda has darkened our digital doorstep! That means Our Fair City is more than 5% better informed and more than 5% more right thinking than ever before. Thank you once again for choosing the best soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper in Alameda!

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Cultural Heritage Fund-Raiser Loses Less Money Than Usual!

The Alameda Cultural Heritage Education Society had a rip-roaring time last night at their annual fund-raiser. Society members mingled to the accompaniment of those local polka wizards, the "Ja, und das ist Polka!" band. As always, there was plenty of free parking.

Some attendees also seemed to be attempting to waltz to the music, but were hindered by the tables heaped with festive homemade foods and beverages, including a tasty new surprise from Former City Council Candidate, featuring an Alameda-raised delicacy smothered in delicious melted cheese. You must try them!

Plaques were awarded to the members who had donated the most money to preserving Alameda’s Cultural Heritage during the past year, with special recognition going to Society president Janice Lighter-Merv for her tireless attendance at Society events.

According to Society records, nearly five tickets for the fundraiser were purchased by citizens who are not on the A.C.H.E.S. board, resulting in a 100% increase in outside ticket revenues over last year. This means that only 28% of the funds spent to hold the fundraiser were not replaced by proceeds from the fundraiser: a new record for the Society!

The A.C.H.E.S. will hold another fund-raiser next year, on June 22nd, at the usual time and place. If you don’t know when and where that is, you must not be from around here.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Former City Council Candidate Says Ice Cream Social Engineering Must Be Stopped


I visited a local ice cream parlor the other day, and I was shocked - SHOCKED! - at the ridiculous selection of ice cream flavors that were all crowded in there together, cheek to jowl, in a big, boxy glass case. I was so disgusted I stormed out and swore then and there never to go back.

Back when I was a little girl, the only flavor of ice cream you could get was honest, hard working vanilla. We all paid our nickel and ate our one scoop of vanilla ice cream on a sugar cone and we LIKED it. NOBODY likes all these other newfangled so-called flavors. What the heck is a praline, anyway, and why would any right-thinking Alamedan want it in her ice cream? Sounds French to me - save that stuff for Paris, that's NOT Alameda.

I know what's REALLY going on here. These flavors are being crammed down our throats by Big Ice Cream, who don't care one whit about Alameda's traditions and history. They are only interested in one thing, PROFIT, and more flavors packed tighter into the display case means more greenbacks in their icy hands. Don't they realize that these attempts at Ice Cream Social Engineering are doomed to fail? The only people who buy that stuff obviously come from out of town and are almost certainly the very same jerks who are constantly parking in front of my house.

It's time for right-thinking Alamedans to TAKE BACK THE ICE CREAM CASE! Don't patronize any establishment that sells all those quote-unquote flavors that nobody wants. Let's run Big Ice Cream out of town on a rail, and let's do it this summer, before it's too late!


Former City Council Candidate

Monday, July 23, 2007

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland Expresses Outrage over Squirrel Coverage


I have been fuming ever since I read your article about Squirrel self-defense classes on Friday. Thanks for ruining the weekend for me and my family!

Don't get me wrong, the Alameda Daily Noose and all of the other major news media need to pay more attention to Squirrel-related violence, but your failure to mention Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" was an affront to right-thinking Alamedans around the world. I'm sure Mr. Risa's karate chop packs a mean wallop, but everyone knows that "Measure Acorn" is, was and always will be our FIRST line of defense against Squirrels. Biased coverage like this just plays into the hands of the shills for Big Arborist who try to downplay the importance of "Measure Acorn" in limiting Squirrels.

Another shameful tactic of Squirrel apologists is to claim that Squirrels are cute and harmless. DON'T BELIEVE IT FOR A SECOND! Some people have accused me of being paranoid, but now I have proof that all Squirrels are agents of evil. Just this week, 14 Squirrels were arrested and held on espionage charges in the Middle East:


So far nobody has figured out who employed these Squirrel secret agents, but that's only because those incompetent investigators haven't bothered to ask any right-thinking Alamedans. We know that those bushy-tailed terrorists are the agents of none other than Big Arborist!

So, the next time you see a Squirrel in the park creeping closer and closer, constantly giving you the Beady Eye of Evil, remember: He's not some cute critter begging for a treat, he's SPYING ON YOU and reporting everything back to his puppet masters at Big Arborist!

Keep "Measure Acorn." It's our only hope for victory in the Global War on Squirrels.

Donald Kirkland

Friday, July 20, 2007

Local Karate Expert to Offer Self-Defense Classes

Well, summertime is finally here, and you know what that means: hot dogs, corn on the cob, picnics in the park, and vicious attacks by killer Squirrels! Our collective gut tells the Alameda Daily Noose and me that 90% of all Alameda picnics end in terrifying scenes like the one shown here.

Don't let this happen to you! Shinobi Risu, who has earned a black belt in the ancient martial art of karate, can teach you the very same methods employed by the ninja to defeat the fierce and crafty Squirrels that plagued feudal Japan. Japan is a country that, much like Alameda, consists largely of islands. Classes are filling up fast, so call 522-2208 today to reserve your place!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Can Alameda's Mexican Food Be Spicy? The Answer May Surprise You!

Yesterday evening, fire crews responded to a major incident at one of Alameda's most popular Mexican eateries. By the time the Alameda Daily Noose and I arrived, the situation appeared to be under control. Fire vehicles, firefighters and equipment from Oakland responded to the scene, joining numerous Alameda firefighters, fire trucks and other equipment already responding.

The incident began when right-thinking Alamedan John Blanding ordered what the menu described as a "'spicy' three-cheese burrito." Upon popping said "burrito" into his mouth, Mr. Blanding immediately felt an intense burning sensation he had never before experienced in Alameda. He cried out, "My God, when it said 'spicy' I thought it meant Alameda spicy! It feels like my mouth is on . . . FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!" Panicked patrons stampeded out of the restaurant, and a quick-thinking staff member sounded the alarm and activated the building's emergency sprinkler system.

Mr. Blanding was rushed to the recently opened Capsicum Trauma Center at Alameda Hospital, where a quick application of milk and sour cream saved the man's life. The extent of damage to the restaurant was not available at the time of publishing this story in Alameda Daily Noose.

Sadly, this incident could easily have been prevented. All restaurants in Alameda are supposed to be inspected regularly to ensure that no traces of chilies or other exotic spices ever accidentally find their way into the food. Alameda candlestick maker Pat "the General" Mills was an observer at the scene and commented: "This was an accident waiting to happen. I've been writing grumpy letters to the editor for years about the lax enforcement of Alameda's spice control ordinances. It's a wonder some right-thinking Alamadean's tongue hasn't gone up in flames before today."

The Alameda Daily Noose and I would like to remind our readers to check carefully for a posted up-to-date certificate from the Alameda Department of Spice Control before eating in any local restaurant. The tongue you save may be your own!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Bagpipe-Hugger Roy Avery Is at It Again


I'm sure that long-time Alamedans are proud of our Danny MacSteele's success. I've read her historical novels with great interest, and especially enjoyed Love's Caber's Toss'd, but I think she's made a serious error in her latest work.

I haven't read her new book yet, and I don't intend to now that I know what an unkind portrayal of Angus Horsburgh it contains. The way I've heard it told, Angus was no monster. He was just a music lover, and a supporter of the arts, who happened to look a bit too handsome in a kilt for his own good. True, he made some mistakes, but it does our community no good to spread exaggerations and harmful falsehoods about a one-time vice-mayor. And the bit about the Squirrels was totally uncalled for. That was just a vicious rumor cirulated by men who were jealous of Angus and his manly charms!

I hope little Danny will consult with me next time she's writing a book, so that I can help her steer clear of such jarring inaccuracies in her accounts of Alameda history.

Roy Avery

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Alamedan Danielle MacSteele Writes Yet Another Book

Alameda author Danielle MacSteele has written yet another book, Devil in a Kilt, a historical romance novel taking us back to Alameda during the century before last. It is the story of three college friends and their families, well educated, well to do, and loyal to the City Council. Delighted, they see conservative Heinrich Weichhart win the mayoral election. But within months, the reins of government tighten. Weichhart's new vice-mayor, Angus Horsburgh, asserts more power daily. Blinded by his promises in their hour of need, the people rejoice; little do they know that he will lead them into tyranny and doom.

Why did the people fall under his spell and worship him? The author gives compelling answers by reaching behind the mystique that shrouded Horsburgh's persona, the man who called himself the Kilted Savior sent by God. Her characters struggle between Right Thinking and the temptation of Tartan and Bagpipes.

Alameda is at a crossroads: a city of splendor amidst the abject poverty of new Scottish immigrants; Horsburgh as choirboy, his stormy love affair with a niece half his age whose obsession with Squirrels caused many rumors. It is the story of people coping with adversity, of their fear of informers lurking everywhere, of human ingenuity to make do and survive when everything is lost and nothing can be bought. It is the account of a people saved by Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus" that helped them, and their Treasured Island, back to their feet in 1893.

All in all, it is an inspiring chronicle of the resilience of the Alamedan spirit. The author is a seventh-generation Alamedan, which makes her books at least seven times better. Her family's experiences and those of their friends give a panoramic view of all aspects of life during that tempestuous time. In 1998, she published her first book, A Whiff of Whiskey. Ms. MacSteele's subsequent works included Love Among the Walnuts, Sporran in the Grass, Squirrel o' My Dreams, Wuthering Haggis, and Love's Caber's Toss'd. Her previous book, 2004's critically acclaimed Clash of the Tartans, recently received Alameda's highest literary honor: having a copy donated to the library by the community group Unaction Alameda. (The Alameda Daily Noose and I kindly ask our readers not to inform Miss MacSteele that the library already had a copy; she would undoubtedly be devastated.)

Monday, July 16, 2007

Concerned Alamedans Oppose Plan for Red Light District on Central Avenue

Dear Editor:

As the leader of a group of concerned Alamedans who live on or near Central Avenue, I wish to announce that we have launched a petition drive asking the City Council to act immediately to shut down the house of ill repute that opened to great fanfare on Saturday at 2200 Central Avenue. I have attached what appears to be an artist's rendering of the project, submitted to the Planning Board during the approval process. My computer-whiz friends tell me you can click double on the following dingus to see all the details of this horrible plan:


According to my sources, which are never wrong about these things, an Evil Developer from out of town...somewhere in Texas, I believe it was...came in and managed to rush the whole thing through the permit and approval process with a lot of song and dance about how the brothel was somehow "a valuable and entertaining addition to Alameda's cultural scene," on par with great civic institutions like the ballet...no, I think he said it was more like an opera, only lighter. Apparently he even suggested...without so much as a blush, mind you...that the general public might welcome and enjoy open, explicit displays of thespianism! WELL, maybe that's SOME people's idea of "culture," perhaps in some liberal hell-hole like Amsterdam or San Francisco, but certainly not in OUR neighborhood!

Maybe folks don't really love their kids in Texas, but here in Alameda we value The Children and we won't stand idly by while they're exposed to allude and loquacious behavior. We're also concerned that the ruckus from the bordello will keep folks in our neighborhood up at all hours. Worst of all, we are concerned that the proposal did not include nearly enough off-street parking spaces, and we fear that the so-called "Johns" will be constantly parking RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR HOUSES!

We concerned Alamedans want to know: WHY was all the planning done in secret? WHY didn't anyone knock on our door, sit down with us on the couch, offer us a cold beer, explain all of this to us, ask us for our opinions, and patiently listen and take notes as we gave him an earful? HOW much tar and feathers will it take to cover the entire Planning Board and City Council?

I'm sure that the Evil Developer from Texas told the Planning Board that this project was the "best" for Alameda and would have "little" impact. Well, we concerned Alamedans feel that this whole ridiculous production will turn out to be the "worst, big whorehouse from Texas" that this town has ever seen!

Indignantly Yours,

Clara Butler-Frisby

Friday, July 13, 2007

Scoop! Aliens Invade Alameda!

At a packed-to-capacity meeting last night, the City of Alameda Public Works Department, in conjunction with the California State Coastal Conservancy, finally provided a panicked public an opportunity to learn about proposed actions and developing plans to control invasive alien infestations of our Treasured Island.

The spread of the non-native alien invaders in our lush island habitats has been a topic of concern in the San Francisco Bay region since the early 1970's. The Conservancy has identified infestations of species of little green aliens known to us only as "Spartina" in areas of prime real estate throughout the Bay Area, including Alameda. Most disturbingly of all, these ruthless interlopers have taken nearly total control of locations that are well-known as favorite gathering places for The Children.

The City has formed an alliance with the State Coastal Conservancy and the East Bay Regional Park District to provide significant, timely control and eradication of the invasive Spartina. 2007 marks the first year that invasive Spartina control efforts will occur along the northern shoreline of Alameda. Our Mayor, speaking from the steps of City Hall, assured a hastily assembled audience, "We shall defend our Treasured Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the Alameda Landing grounds, we shall fight in the soccer fields and in the streets, we shall fight on Mount Trashmore; we shall never surrender!"

Control of the spread of the non-native Spartina would serve to minimize the potential for Spartina-caused disasters, encroachment into soft, susceptible areas quite possibly inhabited by The Children, and impacts to the God-given habitat of local, native, right-thinking Alamedans.

The purpose of this public review of the proposed Spartina defense force and battle alliance efforts is to provide the public an opportunity to learn about proposed military actions to control this invasive alien menace. More information can be found at http://www.spartina.orq.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Rip-Off! "Fray by the Bay" a Huge Disappointment

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were so excited as we entered Alameda Hospital last night, our V.I.P. passes in hand, ready to witness the "Fray by the Bay." Our hearts sank as we realized that the old gymnasium looked nothing like we remembered; in fact, it had been so heavily remodeled that it looked just like any other conference room one might find on the first floor of a hospital. We looked around, but the steel cage was nowhere to be found. Instead of seeing Brenda Karl and Elaine Hollandaise face off in the smackdown of the century, all we saw were two ladies having a boring discussion about something that had absolutely nothing to do with Squirrels. They didn't hit each other at all, or even make any attempt to wrestle! As they prattled on and on about housing or density or something, we quickly nodded off.

When we awoke, everyone was gone, except for a few disgruntled gentlemen who had placed bets on the match. Tempers flared, and eventually all of the bets were reluctantly returned to the bettors. To look on the bright side, however, since no sporting event actually occurred, nobody had to worry about breaking any laws against sports betting. Of course, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are still out our $50 each for V.I.P. passes, and boy, are we miffed about that. What a colossal rip-off!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Karl is Odds-On Favorite in "Fray by the Bay"

The Alameda Daily Noose and I, Roger "The Greek" Grumbel, have endorsed former councilmember Brenda Karl as the odds-on favorite in tonight's "Fray by the Bay," which will finally settle the debate over Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn." We have placed the odds at a conservative 91-1 against her opponent, all-around nasty person Elaine Hollandaise.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I remind you that betting on sporting events in the United States is a serious crime, and there is absolutely no way that we have our entire $2,035.45 Social Security check riding on tonight's match. Right-thinking Alamedans should not, repeat, not see this as an invitation to place their wagers at the ratty folding table that will be set up discreetly in the shadows of the old arched driveway at the front of Alameda Hospital, starting at noon today.

Brenda Karl vs. Elaine Hollandaise in the "Fray by the Bay"
Bell Time 7:00 p.m.
Alameda Hospital
2070 Clinton Avenue
The Old Gymnasium (now known as "Conference Room C") on the First Floor
Alameda, CA 94501

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Finally, Some Real "Trash Talk" from Brenda Karl!


I think that you and I, as well as the Alameda Daily Noose, know full-well who's going to kick whose bushy-tailed posterior at tomorrow's "Fray by the Bay." Yeah, that's right, former councilmember Brenda Karl is going to administer a smack-down the likes of which D.A.R.L.I.N.G. little Elaine Hollandaise has never seen! I'm going to come down on her like her good friends, the Squirrels, on a bag full of nuts! She won't be feeling so chipper when I've got her in a headlock. She'll be begging to be sent back to San Francisco, where we all know she lives with all her rodent buddies. She'll be hugging those ropes like they were a tree, but little does she know, I'll be the axe comin' to chop her sorry derriere!

It's lucky for little Elaine that tomorrow's big match is going to be held in Alameda Hospital, because she's going to need intensive care when I'm through with her. I hope she hasn't cashed all those checks from Big Arborist yet, 'cause she's going to need them to pay her hospital bills! She may float like a flying Squirrel, but I'm going to drop her like an acorn in autumn. Boo-yah!

Brenda Karl

Editor's note: Now that's more like it! What is it that the kids these days say? Oh yes, "You are a go-go girl!"

Monday, July 9, 2007

Squirrel-Hugger's Pathetic Attempt at "Trash Talk"

Dear Editor:

I was a bit taken aback by your piece on the upcoming "Measure Acorn" debate being held by the City of Alameda Democratic Club. I was under the impression that this was to be a free exchange of ideas on the potential benefits and challenges posed by urban wildlife in our community. The notion of a violent conflict involving personal, physical attacks on those with differing opinions was the farthest thing from my mind when I accepted the invitation to participate, and I do not recall any mention of "wrestling" in the description of the event.

I'm sure that all those involved intend to engage in a spirited tug-of-war of ideas, and nothing more. The purpose of debate is not to determine a winner, nor even a loser, but to stimulate thought and discussion, and perhaps lead the way to a mutually agreeable conclusion at some future date. No doubt, Ms. Karl and I share a great deal of common ground on the subject of Squirrels, and those commonalities may well come to light once we sit down together in a public venue to elaborate upon our seemingly disparate positions.

Elaine Hollandaise
Co-Chair, D.A.R.L.I.N.G.

Editor's note: Ms. Hollandaise—if that is her real name—is obviously unversed in the conventions of "trash talk." The Alameda Daily Noose and I can only hope that she wrestles better than she "disses" her opponent. We think we can speak for all V.I.P. pass-holders when we say that if we don't leave with at least one decent bloodstain on our garments, paying a full $50 will have been a complete waste of our hard-earned money.

Friday, July 6, 2007

"Measure Acorn" Rivals to Face Off in Squirrel Cage Smackdown

Wednesday! Wednesday! Wednesday! July 11, at 7:00 p.m. in the old gymnasium at Alameda Hospital, the City of Alameda Democratic Wrestling Federation (C.A.D.W.F.) will present a no-holds-barred steel cage match that is being internationally promoted as the "Fray by the Bay." Frustrated with years of so-called community meetings and quote-unquote public forums that have decided nothing, the C.A.D.W.F. plans to settle the long-running debate over Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" the American way: with good old-fashioned, red-blooded violence.

Proudly representing the views of right-thinking Alamedans everywhere will be former councilmember Brenda Karl, who is fiercely independent and is not, repeat, not wrestling on behalf of the community group "Save Quiet, Unspoiled Islands from Rapacious Rodent Evildoing Limb-Hoppers Attacking, Terrorizing, and Endangering Residents: Squirrels!" (S.Q.U.I.R.R.E.L.-H.A.T.E.R.S.!). Karl will face off against the reviled Squirrel-hugger Elaine Hollandaise, founding member and co-chair of "Delightful Acrobatic Rodents Living In Neighborhood Greenery" (D.A.R.L.I.N.G.), paid shill of Big Arborist, and all-around nasty person. The outcome of the match will determine whether "Measure Acorn" is upheld or rejected, thanks to a little-known provision in the City Charter that has not been invoked since 1894, when Thurston Wainwright defeated Fergus Avery in a thrilling match that upheld Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus," which had been enacted just one year earlier.

Tickets will go on sale today, Friday, July 5 at 10:00 a.m. at the C.A.D.W.F. box office and ticketmaster.com. Ticket prices are $15 for the bleachers, $20 for floor seats, $25 for ringside seating, and special V.I.P. passes for $50. Bell time is 7:00 p.m. and the doors open at 6:30 p.m. Parents who see this be warned, this match is going to be violent and bloody and may contain foul language, twisted logic, and explicit discussion of Squirrels.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Delicious melted cheese will save us


The other night I was just browsing this thing called You Tube, which apparently is one of the series of tubes that make up the Internets. I couldn't believe my luck! It turns out that a nice lady and her son have already come up with a delicious solution to Alameda's Squirrel overpopulation problem.

I think the mayor needs to call up the owner of that new waterfront shopping center immediately and demand a white tablecloth restaurant that specializes in the dish shown in this video. That will solve two problems at once: classing up that low-class shopping center and solving the Squirrel overcrowding problem once and for all!

Janice Lighter-Merv

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

12:05 a.m.: Scoop! John Knox White's Commission's Master Plan for Grand Street Exposed

Acting on a tip from a concerned Alamedan, the Alameda Daily Noose's crack team of investigative journalists has obtained (through methods that most certainly did not, repeat, did not involve donning a black cat burglar outfit and playing the soundtrack from "The Pink Panther") a copy of a secret report being prepared in secret by John Knox White's Commission. This report, entitled "A System to Increase Traffic and Congestion," features a chapter called "Grand Street Master Plan" that confirms all of the worst fears of the concerned Alamedans who live on that threatened patch of our Treasured Island.

This artist's rendering, taken directly from John Knox White's Commission's report, shows the view from above Grand St. looking south. In the middle is the intersection with the newly re-engineered Santa Clara Ave. The high-density housing towers slated to rise on extensive new landfill south of Shoreline Dr. are visible in the distance.

Today, during the huge parade being held for the Alameda Daily Noose and me, a group of concerned Alamedans who live on or near Grand Street will launch a petition drive asking the City Council not to approve John Knox White's Commission's System to Increase Traffic and Congestion. We encourage all right-thinking Alamedans in attendance to sign the petition, right after they finish throwing their bouquets to the Alameda Daily Noose and me.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Time to Celebrate a Great Day for America

Strike up the band!

That's right, it's almost time to commemorate a defining event in our nation's history, one that took place nearly a full week ago tomorrow. Yes, I'm talking about Thursday, June 28, 2007, that fateful day on which the 3,000th piece of wretched refuse of the Internets arrived on the gleaming golden shores of the Alameda Daily Noose, yearning to breathe free!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were delighted to learn that the whole city of Alameda will be celebrating the auspicious occasion of our 3,000th hit—with no errors, mind you!—by staging a huge parade in our honor tomorrow, July 4, 2007! We are so excited about this that we just know we will be unable to catch a wink of sleep tonight. After all, it's not often that we take the time to celebrate what makes this country great: the fierce independence and bulldog-like determination of a News Man in the classic sense, walking hand in hand with his faithful noosepaper.

We're a little concerned that we haven't yet received word about the car in which we will be riding tomorrow, but we imagine this is due to the difficulty of leasing a Rolls Royce Silver Ghost on such short notice. Of course, if our car does not show up (those British cars can be notoriously unreliable), we are prepared to jump into any vacant vehicle we happen to spot in the parade lineup, and we won't shy away from performing a dramatic re-enactment of the event for the potential millions of loyal viewers of our award-eligible community access cable television program.

God bless America, and God bless the Alameda Daily Noose and me!

Monday, July 2, 2007

Dave Williamson Exposes Flagrant Violation of Brown Act


Yesterday, I snapped this picture of UPS trucks in my neighborhood. As you can clearly see, there are not one, not two, but three of these trucks parked right next to each other, in a flagrant, broad-daylight violation of the Brown Act. I'm just glad The Children were not around to witness this scene.

The Brown Act was passed in 1953, in response to public outcry over an army of transient courier delivery trucks traversing the entire length of small towns each day at rush hour, contributing nothing to those cities except congestion and pollution. The Brown Act forbids three or more UPS trucks from meeting without first posting an agenda and notifying the public, and it requires that each UPS driver begin by taking public comment from all citizens in attendance before delivering any packages.

Needless to say, I never received anything in the mail about the meeting of three UPS trucks in my neighbhorhood, nor did I see a word about it in the Alameda Daily Noose or any of the other major news media. When I blocked the advance of the driver in the photo above, waving my speaker slip and demanding my three minutes of public comment, the look in his eyes was a clear invitation to stick my little slip somewhere I can't describe in a family noosepaper.

Any and all violations of the Brown Act must be taken seriously. I think our city leaders, City Manager and Council, need to call a meeting with UPS officials to discuss and discourage this. When UPS refuses to listen to us right-thinking Alamedans, we must immediately begin drawing up plans for Alameda to run its own package delivery service. All UPS truck access can then be blocked off by installing protective barricades and extensive security checkpoints at each tunnel and bridge. That will teach them to needlessly slow down traffic in our town!

Dave Williamson