Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Nancy K. Filson Says Something Has to Be Done about Her Neighbors

Dear Editor:

I have read Letters to the Editor discussing problems with the Megaplex, Measure Acorn, Squirrels, Law-breaking Realtors, and so much more. But none of this compares to the troubles that I want to tell you about: My next-door neighbors.

Let me begin by describing the indescribable deeds put forth by the family adjacent to us on the West side. They have a dog that barks. Constantly. I have taken detailed counts and this dog has barked perhaps twelve or thirteen times in a single week. That this is intolerable goes without saying.

This same neighbor often dares to park their car in front of my house.

And let's not forget their children. It sounds like I am living next to an insane asylum. Often I hear screeching and squawking at all hours of the morning and the afternoon. Thank goodness they keep their windows closed most of the time! And once in a while I hear the sounds of these children out in their back yard — actually, what's worse is that I can actually see these little monsters above the fence that separates our yards. They are usually sitting down in some box filled with sand (perhaps stolen from our local beaches?) blabbering on about this and that. Absolutely inconsiderate if you ask me.

Now you may think this odd, but one evening last October, these children (strangely dressed for some reason), with their parents prodding them on, had the nerve to ring our doorbell and ask for candy. It was some odd ritual happening that evening because not only did they bother us, but several other families from around the neighborhood did the same!

What really lights my fire about this family is that for some reason, our postal carrier often delivers their mail into my mailbox! Are they truly trying to drive me mad? Every six months or so I get fired up enough to take the stack of letters over to their house and shove it forcefully through their door.

Now you think this is bad, you have to hear what my neighbors to the East do. Late at night, if I happen to be awake to go powder my nose, I often hear incessant coughing coming from the house. During the daytime, however, I don't hear a thing. What are they up to over there? It's downright creepy. I rarely see anybody go in or out of the house, and when I do, it's often somebody in a nurse's uniform. Are they playing some kind of strange game over there?

There is a bit of a foliage issue as well. There is a tree that sits just on their side of the property line that blocks my view of the sunrise. It's unbearable, and I can't do a thing about it. I have half a mind to go knock and their door to complain about that tree, but I find that it's much more effective to call 911 and tell the police about it. One of these days I'm sure they will come out and do something about this nuisance!

You think I'd be done talking about my neighbors, but there is one more! What's that, you say? How can you have another neighbor if you've talked about both sides of your house? It's a trick question, because there are also neighbors behind us, and they are the worst of all! They have a garage unit right up against the property line, and there are no gutters on the roof, so every time it rains, the water slides off the roof and lands in my garden. Thank you, dear neighbors whom I've never seen, but I get plenty of water from the heavens above my own property, I don't need your water as well. Especially when it lands right on my geraniums and nearly drowns them.

So as you can see, none of the issues that have been covered in this Noosepaper are of any significance when compared to the troubles that I have with my neighbors. What can I do to make this stop?

Warmest Regards,

Nancy K. Filson

Monday, June 29, 2009

Fourth of July Parade Cancelled

Super-human transportation photo by some nice Norwegian lady named Inahill.In a press conference today attended by all respectable members of the media (in other words, only the Alameda Daily Noose and me), the Committee for the Alameda Mayor's Fourth of July Parade announced that beloved event is being cancelled this year.

"The dearth of automobile dealerships in Alameda has caused more damage than can be imagined," explained committee chairwoman Jess Cleary. "Without automobile dealerships to provide automobiles — especially convertibles — for the parade, there is no way that its honored guests can participate."

Traditionally, the Grand Marshall, the Mayor, the members of the City Council, and various other dignitaries start at the front of the parade, each sitting on the back ledge of a convertible provided by one of Alameda's sales-tax-generating dealerships. Other citizens of Alameda follow behind in ordinary cars, flatbed trucks, and even the occasional bus. No participant has successfully completed the entire parade route on foot.

"The human body was just not designed to withstand the 3.3-mile length of the parade without aid of a motor," explained Dr. Julian Dermot, physician at Alameda Family Physicians on Park Street. "Anything more than two or three parking spaces away from our destination causes our legs, back, or kidneys begin to suffer severe distress." Dr. Dermot added that the idea that anybody less than a superhuman could travel the entire distance of the parade on foot or via some novel non-motorized conveyance such as roller skates or bicycle is a pipe-dream that our species has not been able to reach.

"We are deeply saddened to see the parade go," said Mayor Beverly Johnson when the Alameda Daily Noose and I reached her for comment. "This was to be my final year as honoree of the parade, and now my family will just have to find a neighbor's barbecue to attend instead."

It is not known whether or not the parade will be held again in the foreseeable future. Cleary ended the conference with a note of optimism: "If we can convince some automobile dealerships to return to our fair city, we are sure that the parade will be held again. If they can establish themselves quickly, perhaps we can even hold this year's Fourth of July later this summer, maybe over Labor Day weekend."

Friday, June 26, 2009

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Your Liquor Cabinet

I have mentioned the environmental benefits of alcohol on occasion, including green beer, the authentic traditional beverage of the world's original environmentalists, the Irish. However, a number of readers have mentioned that beer is not their cup of tea, and asked if there are any other environmentally responsible options when happy hour rolls around.

Well, dear readers, look no further! I have learned that a local establishment called BarSaloona, infamous for its wanton destruction of a priceless piece of Alameda's history, is seeking to redeem itself by offering an eco-friendly alternative to happy hour called "The Green Hour." Apparently, this new event is for environmentalists like you and me to get together and swap tips for green living over green cocktails.

In addition to the green beer I can only assume will be available, many of the featured drinks seem to be made with a new environmentally friendly liquor called Absinthe, otherwise known as "The Green Fairy." I'm not sure, but I think I read about this in a letter to the editor from Milhous K. "Grrr" Sanka. Whatever this Green Fairy is, its eco-benefits are twofold: not only is it green, but it also has something to do with fairies, which always seem to come up when we're talking about the environment. In fact, the proposals for redeveloping that abandoned military base even call for building a fairy terminal!

So, fellow Earth lovers, I'll see you at BarSaloona every 5:30 to 6:30, Tuesday through Sunday. Let's keep our carbon footprints down with a hearty "bottoms up!"

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Despairing for the Future of Alamedans


I was mortified to learn, reading yesterday's letter to the editor by Grace Anansi, that Alameda Hospital closed its maternity ward. I confirmed this by calling the hospital; they have been closed since 2001. I am guessing that this was in response to the dozens of terrorist attacks that rocked our nation that year.

Most Right-Thinking Alamedans are long past their child-bearing years, so normally this would be of no concern. However, I realized that since 2001, there have been no native Alamedans being born. Think about this for a moment: That means that all of the kindergarten children you see running around were born in foreign cities like Oakland, or, worse yet, Berkeley.

What will this mean for future generations? Of course in the short term, we have plenty of citizens whose parents and grandparents were born in here, but in one hundred years' time, there will be no second- and third-generation Alamedans to run our city. The lines of ancestry will be broken: the second- and third-generation Alamedans of today are giving birth to first-generation strangers. It won't be long before there are no Alamedans left!

I weep for the future of our city. We need a fresh supply of Alameda- born babies so that in the next century, their grandchildren will be qualified to be our leaders. What can we do?

With great sorrow,

Mimi Dorchester

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Answers to Questions That Keep Alamedans Awake at Night


I am generally not a fan of the mayor, but I feel I must write in and give credit where credit is due. In this case, I wish to commend her for proposing that the bridges connecting Alameda to other areas be lifted at night. This is something that for years, many Alamedans have been fighting for.

She claims in public statements that it is to save money. If that's what it takes to achieve approval with the not-so-right-thinking public, then so be it. But we all know the real reason to open the bridges at night is to keep the undesirables outside of Alameda from entering our fair city to rob us of our possessions, kidnap the children, and perform acts of arson.

Over the years, the Alameda Group of Concerned Citizens Demanding that the Bridges be Raised at Night (AGCCDBRN), which I can speak for, has compiled a list of answers to common objections to the notion of nighttime bridge-raising. I hope you will indulge me and print this list for readers of your noosepaper.

Q: What if there are emergencies, what will happen in the bridges are up?
A: If there are any fire emergencies, not to worry - Alameda is surrounded by water. Plenty of water, enough for even the biggest fire. And there will not be any police emergencies since all the criminals will be locked out of Alameda.

Q: What if a criminal tries to cross the estuary by boat?
A: In the short-term, there is some risk, yes. In the long term, we are hoping to establish a perimeter guard for such contingencies.

Q: Will the Posey/Webster Tubes be closed at night as well?
A: Yes and no. It will be closed to automobile traffic to discourage outsiders from merely driving the long way to invade our city. However, we have not been successful in convincing Caltrans to close the two-foot-wide pedestrian/bicycle path in the Posey Tube.

Q: Alameda Hospital recently closed its maternity ward. How will babies be born at night?
A: Expectant mothers are asked not to go into labor at night. Those who insist on nocturnal births can always walk or ride their bicycle through the Posey Tube path mentioned above.

Q: What if an Alamedan has a legitimate need to leave the island at night?
A: There is no legitimate reason for leaving Alameda, day *or* night.

Q: What if an Alameda resident leaves the island during the daytime, and is trying to return home at night?
A: He or she should have thought of that before leaving the island in the first place!

We hope that all ADN readers will call the Mayor's office and thank her for finally coming around to our campaign. We are looking forward to a peaceful night's sleep in the near future!

With warm regards,

Grace Anansi

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland Outraged by Super-Mega-Monster Modifications

Outrageous photo by some guy named Seth Gaines.Editor,

It seems that high density advocates have gotten what they wished for! The Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates appears to have gotten bigger over the weekend, just like we all knew it would!

Way to go Alameda Mayor and Council!

Outragedly yours,

Donald Kirkland

Monday, June 22, 2009

"Enough with the Grumpy Letters, Already!" by Ned Sneering


I am sick and tired of people writing letters to the editor that are nothing but complaints and outlandish opinions masquerading as facts and are usually not even written so good. Its all of these newcomers who are to blame. I have lived in Alameda my entire life, and then some, and I have never once felt the need to complain about something in a letter to the editor.

Those young whipper-snappers have some nerve complaining about how us Right-Thinking Alamedans are just grumpy complainers. "Yap, yap, yap," they go, on and on, not bothering to pay any attention to the way they are throwing around run-on sentences, because let me tell you, their is nothing that irritates me so much in a letter to the editor as run-on sentences, unless maybe its' the completely unjustified personal attacks against people they hardly know and wouldn't appreciate even if they did know them from Adam, and I'm particularly upset at that one young Bozo, whatever his name is, who said something criticizing a point that Former City Council Candidate made, which is way off base because we all know she is always right. Well, she is no more a grouch than I am, and anyone who says different will get a darned good tongue-lashing if I have anything to say about it.

Furthermore, I know for a fact that most of the other 30,000 people who live in Alameda, which has the largest population of any city in the Bay Area, agree with me that this is a nice, quiet town where people just want to read they're morning paper without being literally assaulted by outlandish letters to the editor trying to tell them how they ought to think and behave. Their ought to be a law against crabby letters to the editor, and anybody caught writing one should be tarred, feathered and run out of town on a rail. Now, I know those bleeding hearts at the A.C.L.U. probably wouldn't like that, but they don't understand that we don't have time for trials or other namby-pamby due process when people are so obviously guilty. Heck, we should tar and feather all the the A.C.L.U. members first, just to be safe.

Now, if only we had some kind of organization that would stand up for Former City Council Candidate's right to speak her mind, no matter how controversial her statements. I'ts a crying shame that we don't have something like that in our town. No doubt they've been put off by all those endless threatening letters to the editor. Enough with the grumpy letters, already!

Ned Sneering

Friday, June 19, 2009

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Your Groceries

Now, I know it's not always easy being green, but that's why I'm here to help all of those friends of mine who keep saying things like, "Janet, I'd love to try this new super-healthy Organic cooking that people are raving about, but I just don't know how to start."

Well, if that sounds like you, you can stop wondering and start cooking! Here's a simple recipe to get you going on your way to Organic bliss in the kitchen. Using my handy kitchen calculator (solar powered, of course) I've done all the conversions from ordinary measurements to Organic measurements for you. If you enjoy making this Organic recipe, you might want to get a solar-powered calculator of your own, to make those ordinary-to-Organic conversions a snap for any recipe! You'll notice that I've also described the kind of Organic ingredients you can safely substitute for ordinary ingredients, so you'll know exactly what you need to buy, and how much of it to use to make this ordinary recipe Organicstraordinary!

Organic Cornbread Muffins

1 3/4 cups cornmeal = 1 3/4 cups Organic cornmeal
3/4 cup all-purpose flour = 3/4 cup Organic all-purpose flour
4 teaspoons baking powder = 4 teaspoons aluminum free baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda = 1/4 teaspoon Organic baking soda
1 teaspoon salt = 1 teaspoon all-natural sea salt, mined sustainably
1/4 cup white sugar = 1/4 cup Organic Fair Trade sugar
2 cups buttermilk = 2 cups Organic buttermilk
2 eggs = 2 Organic free-range, cage-free, free-love eggs
1/4 cup vegetable oil = 1/4 cup Organic trans-fat-free vegetable oil

I'm pretty sure you can find all of these ingredients at that hippie grocery store. Or, try the Organics aisle at your favorite store. And if you can't find all of the Organic ingredients, don't worry. I've never tried it myself, but I've been told that the recipe will still work even if you substitute only some of the Organic alternatives for the ordinary ingredients. So what are you waiting for? Let's get cooking!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Gargantuan Rally Spooks Developer Fat Cats; Right-Thinking Alamedans Will Stop at Nothing to Protect Alameda

Following is a press release from What's the Point:

In a surprise announcement today, the City of Alameda revealed that plans for a Secret Robot Base will not be on the ballot this November, and perhaps not ever. We at What's the Point can only assume that our rallies and other efforts to persuade people to get their names removed from the petition that so many were duped into signing have been successful, and that there are no longer enough signatures left for it to qualify.

We remain committed in our opposition to this proposal and will use every tactic available, plus some that haven't been invented yet, to protect Alameda Point, our communities and our City. We would remind you that extremism in the defense of Alameda is no vice. (In your heart, you know we're right.)

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Scoop! of Geographical Revelation

Last night, the Alameda City Council discussed possible re-use of the currently vacant Carnegie building. As part of her devastating critique of all such plans, Alameda resident Frieda Bellows revealed that Alameda is an Island. The stunned mayor and Council members immediately called City staff on the carpet.

"You mean to say that Alameda is an island, and we were never informed of this fact? How long has this been the case? Why weren't we told about this?! We demand answers!" the mayor bellowed, following up with a request for information on how this geographical fact might affect our transportation systems and earthquake preparedness. "All the while we had been assuming that we can extrapolate from the experience of other cities like Piedmont or maybe Topeka, but now we know that's impossible because, apparently, we are an island."

Afterwards, a number of other members of the audience reportedly mentioned to Miss Bellows that when she brought up Alameda's insular status, they vaguely recalled having previously heard rumors to that effect. It's lucky that Miss Bellows is here to remind us of these things!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Secret Article Reveals Secret Strategy


It's a darn good thing that people around here are rallying against those fighting Robots trying to set up a secret base in Alameda. I found out yesterday that some city that's not Alameda is actually promoting Robot Wars. The news was buried way at the bottom of an article, obviously because the Robots don't want us to know that they have already built a secret base not far from Alameda. They call it Fort Mason, and I'll bet anything they are running a training camp there to prepare them for the takeover of Alameda. It's all part of their fiendish strategy.

This is why we have to fight the Evil Robot Mayor's Secret Robot Base! Do we want to be like that other city that's not Alameda, and just roll over for the Robots? I don't think so.

Lon Geddoff

Monday, June 15, 2009

Surprise Change of Venue, Guest Star Turn Gargantuan Rally into Even More Gargantuan Success

Following is a press release from "What's the Point":

As the organizers of Saturday's Huge March & Gargantuan Rally, nobody is better qualified to give a fair, objective, and accurate report on the unqualified, unprecedented, blow-out, blockbuster success of this event.

Hundreds of people and dozens of dogs gathered at City Hall to howl in protest against our Evil Robot Mayor's Secret Robot Base. At the intersection of Santa Clara and Oak our leaders set out in two different directions, peeling off a contingent of commandos to create a small diversion in Jackson Park while redirecting the main force onward toward the real venue, a secret we had guarded closely until that very moment.

This video shows the second big revelation that awaited the marchers as they reached their destination, the old aircraft carrier docked at Alameda Point: a surprise musical guest who wowed them with a rousing rendition of the National Anthem of Alameda, "If I Could Turn Back Time."

After the entertainment, a representative of What's the Point unveiled our superior plan for the former Naval Air Station. It's so simple and obvious that we can't believe the City never even considered this option: just turn the Naval Air Station back into a Naval Air Station. The Federal Government is sure to see the need for that when we point out the new threat that faces our great island nation. With our Evil Robot Mayor bent on filling the entire 6,300 acres of Alameda Point with her Secret Robot Base, we will be in desperate need of massive naval air power to combat the Robots. That is why we need to instead re-open the Navy base at Alameda Point.

Our timely and undeniably logical suggestion was met with thunderous applause, and followed by an encore from our special guest.

For information on how you can support our campaign to bring back the Navy base, please contact us at: WHAT'S THE POINT

What's The Point
1418 Giallobrico Rd.
PMB 3.14 Alameda, CA 94501

Klondike 5-3226

Friday, June 12, 2009

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Your Decorating Choices

Did you know that the color of your house can affect its impact on the environment, and on your wallet? That's right. Color makes such a big difference that you can get an official certificate for it, because there's an entire national organization dedicated to promoting green buildings.

In the United States, buildings use 72% of all electricity, and produce 38% of carbon dioxide emissions. However, buildings that have been painted green, thus turning them into Green Buildings, use 40% less energy than average buildings, and emit 35% less carbon dioxide. Green buildings also have significantly better lighting quality, which must have something to do with the way light is reflected from their green-painted surfaces.

I've noticed that there are some green buildings in Alameda, and I've heard that at least one building here was awarded one of those special LEED certificates for being extra green, though I'm not sure which building it was. It must be one of the ones that has even the trim painted green.

What a funny coincidence that something literally green can also be green in the environmental sense. I guess that's why environmentally responsible choices are called "green." Anyway, I'm ready to head out and buy some green paint for my own house, because green buildings save you both energy and money, and I could sure use some of that kind of green right now!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Huge March and Gargantuan Rally to Say No to Our Evil Robot Mayor's Secret Robot Base

Following is a press release from "What's the Point":

Huge March & Gargantuan Rally - Please join us - 10:30 a.m., Saturday, June 13, 2009, to say NO to our Evil Robot Mayor's Secret Robot Base:

  • Financially too risky unless the Robots are solid gold and the City can buy them on credit
  • The City is already going bankrupt because they insist on spending hundreds of millions of dollars on attorneys
  • 48,000 more homes
  • 600,000 more car trips
  • 5,200,000 more Bagpipes
  • Too many chemicals, including huge quantities of the industrial solvent dihydrogen monoxide
  • Radioactive rodents
What's The Point - What's Our City's Future

5:30 a.m. - march begins at City Hall with torches and pitchforks - bring the kids!

We’ll rally at Jackson Park - concludes about Midnight

Live Music. Break Dancing. Learn the latest rumors that have been flooding into our news desk and hear terrified speakers practice the pointing and screaming skills we crowd-scene extras will need for the coming Robot Uprising

Please contact us at: WHAT'S THE POINT

What's The Point
1418 Giallobrico Rd.
PMB 3.14 Alameda, CA 94501

Klondike 5-3226

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Janice Lighter-Merv Roiled by Roy Avery's Very Wrong-Headed Ideas


Roy Avery's letter to the Alameda Fish Wrap (which I never read, of course) wants to inform us on "misinformation" about his favorite "musical" instrument Bagpipes. Roy debunks the 6,000 Bagpipes claims that reliable sources have made about planned development at Alameda Point, and he says that the Secret Robot Base initiative limits Bagpipes. With the new and existing Bagpipes, 6,000 is a reasonable number without the Bagpipe density bonus.

He proceeds to label 60,000 marching Bagpiper trips for the project a "faux analysis". The 60,000 trips are based on Bagpipe Engineers Accepted Guidelines from none other than the prestigious Glasgow University Bagpipe Tracking Program, which has accurately predicted increases in the number of Bagpipers marching through the streets of Glasgow every year since 1451. Those figures absolutely apply in this case, because we don't have any reason to expect that there would be more bagpipe traffic in Glasgow than in Alameda. With tubes at commute capacity, everyone knows the overflow of Bagpipers will flood the islands streets and bridges, making it impossible for anyone to get anywhere, or to hear anything.

Roy has been promoting Bagpipes from day one, maybe his letters should have a disclaimer above them "Paid Advertisement for Bagpipes". We all know that nobody actually likes Bagpipes so its obvious that he is taking kickbacks from Big Bagpipe. Otherwise he would keep his "facts" to himself and stop roiling us Right-Thinking Alamedans with his very wrong-headed ideas.

Janice Lighter-Merv

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Brazilian Beauty Makes the Alameda Daily Noose and Me an Offer We Can't Understand

Late yesterday morning, at around 8 o'clock, the Alameda Daily Noose and I were checking our "gee-mail" when we ran across this item from a certain Miss Vickie. According to our technologist friend, the ".br" in her "gee-mail" address indicates that she resides in Brazil, which means she is drop-dead gorgeous and colorfully dressed.

With this image burning in our mind, we eagerly printed out her message, sealed it in an envelope, tore it open, and read with wide-eyed amazement:

Although we appreciate the fact that Miss Vickie tried to address us in our native tongue, we can't help but notice that Alamedan does not seem to be her first language. She seems to be asking us to ask ourselves if we want to be a-lyin' in our bed, but her spelling and punctuation leave a lot more to the imagination than the types of outfits we picture her wearing.

We are also puzzled by the picture of a big cat trying to eat some things that look like a blue pork chop, an orange, and one of those brown organic free-range, cage-free, free-love eggs you find at that hippie grocery store. Doesn't she know that the Alameda Daily Noose and I hate cats? And what could all this possibly have to do with our sleeping habits?

We would love to ask Miss Vickie some follow-up questions, but apparently she's only interested in visiting with us if we want to be a-lyin' in our bed. As one of our many Brazilian fans, she should know that the Alameda Daily Noose and I are no good-for-nothing lie-abeds!

Yes, the early bird gets the noose-scoops, investigative reports, and daily noose of Alameda, so we're always up and crowing before every cock in town. Alas, our love affair with this beautiful bird of the tropics will never take flight, for the Alameda Daily Noose and I are far too busy scratching and pecking around in the dirt of the great journalistic barnyard that is Alameda.

Monday, June 8, 2009

The Smiling Face of Discrimination in Alameda

I was driving down Encinal yesterday, and I could hardly believe what I saw in front of that new fancy restaurant that's going up on the corner of Park Avenue. I've enclosed a photograph of the offensive sign, and anyone can clearly see that it is not the kind of sign we should tolerate in Alameda. That yellow, smiling face is a real red flag. The last thing we need around here is business owners encouraging their employees to be more happy and friendly. I expect surly, tight-lipped service wherever I do business, and it's getting harder and harder to find a reliably grumpy clerk in this town.
Anti-grump discrimination is what it is! I've had enough of this affirmative action hiring of "friendly" people. They're cheating good honest grumps out of the jobs that we earnestly resent having to do. We don't need these outsider business owners coming into Alameda and forcing their cheerful agenda on us. They want us all to be happy and gay, and they're going to start by brain-washing our children. So next time you see a teenager standing behind a counter with a chipper smile on her face and a bright "How can I help you?" on her lips, you'll know to blame these lily-livered interlopers with their chicken empire.
Lon Geddoff

Friday, June 5, 2009

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Green Family Fun with New Lego® Green!

Many of you have probably been wondering how to get your kids involved in being green. Well, now thanks to perennial favorite toy-maker Lego®, it's now possible for your kids to go green, just like Mom and Dad!

After weeks of begging, our eight-year-old son Chad finally broke us down, so we hopped in our brand-new Hybrid Hummer® (Did I mention we bought that? Fodder for another column!) over to Wal-Mart® (where prices are always lower, which of course is very environmentally friendly) to pick up one of the Lego® Green sets. Chad opted for the Prison Camp kit. Well, let me tell you, we haven't been able to get our little boy to come out of his room, even for his favorite TV shows! (Don't worry; we just put a TV in his room so he could watch them while he was playing with his new green "friends." But I digress.)

The set we bought, if it's typical of the rest of the Lego® Green series, is made of high-quality plastic, and contains bricks, plates, some rather scary-looking mini-figures, and pieces that look like plants and bits of trees. All in shades of green that I would describe as neon green, light green, olive drab, gray-green, primary green, dark green, and very dark green.

We're very proud of our son for going green. We're still looking something to occupy his little sister, though. (She's a bit too young to be picking up the tiny pieces.) Yes Mattel, we're looking at you: It's time to come out with Barbie® Green!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 42 days, with the most recent shown in green:

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
Corica Have Mercy:
Regular Transportation Commission May 27, 2009
Regular Transportation Commission April 22, 2009

Editor's Comments:

Granted, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have complained about the blocks of five hours of shameless nautical propaganda masquerading as Traffic Committee meetings in the past. After watching these two interwebcasts, however, we have finally come to understand the phrase "be careful what you wish for." After five minutes of hearing these pompous, self-important gasbags blather on about thresholds of something-or-other, we found ourselves pining for those lovely pictures of boats!

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
This Is an Outrage:
Regular ARRA Meeting June 3, 2009

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were hoping that this was the latest music video from the Swedish super-group "ARRA," but we were sorely disappointed. Even the knockout combination of a Brady Bunch split-screen effect and a sultry soft-focus wink couldn't have enticed us to take a chance on this snooze-fest. Nary a thigh-high boot nor a bell-bottom in sight…this is an outrage!

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council May 19, 2009
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board May 11, 2009

Golden AcornGolden Acorn
Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council June 2, 2009
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board April 27, 2009

Golden Acorn
Nothing Worth Complaining About:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council STARTING 5-D - AUDIO TAPE AVAILABLE FROM CITY CLERK'S OFFICE May 5, 2009

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I didn't even bother watching this one because we know from the description that it won't offend our delicate sensibilities. We have read enough letters from our loyal Right-Thinking Alamedan readers to realize that ANYONE who makes LIBERAL use of UPPER CASE in an attempt to PROVE his ARGUMENTS simply CANNOT be WRONG!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Multiple Advocacy Groups: Fronts for the Same Person

The Alameda Daily Noose and I just received a press release from a newly-formed group called C.A.S.A., "Community Action for a Sustainable Alameda", ostensibly a group devoted to fighting Global Warming here in Alameda.

We checked with Janet Marchant, local Green expert, and she had never heard of the group, so they clearly cannot be legitimate. Therefore we will not be reporting on the contents of this release.

As we were doing some digging, we ran across another press release that had escaped our attention. It's from another group, M.A.I.S.O.N. (Members of Alameda Interested in Stopping Other Notions), which seemed to have some interest in other matters.

Very suspicious. Does anybody remember the infamous group H.O.M.E., a "front" for the notorious developer shill, Harriet Strauss. This editor remembers enough of his high school Latin classes to recognize the similarity of these three acronyms. Although these appear to be three separate groups, they are clearly the work of one person.

We challenge Ms. Strauss to come forward and admit that she is the sole person behind these three groups. Though their missions seem distinct on the surface, we know that her primary objective is the destruction of Measure Acorn, the development of a new New York City at Alameda Point, the expansion of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex that Everybody Hates, and the Cancellation of "American Idol."

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Real Estate Advertisement Fails to Include Photo of Realtor®

Dear Editor:

I was shocked, even horrified to run across this advertisement for a real estate agent on a local Alameda Internet portal. It didn't take me more than two seconds to realize what was the matter — it is not showing a photograph of the Realtor® on it!

This is an outrage. Everybody knows that real estate agents are required BY LAW to prominently feature their photograph on every advertisement, sign, listing, etc. And the bigger, the better.

Yes, a real estate agent makes his or her living helping people buy and sell their homes. But the real reason they get into that business is so they have a reason to make sure that everybody sees their smiling face everywhere in town.

This Patrick Dawson fellow is different, and I don't like it. Does he have something to hide? If he won't show his face, how will we know if he is to be trusted? Mr. Dawson will not stay in business long if he keeps up this kind of advertising.

I certainly wouldn't make use of his services if I were selling my house to move from one end of the island to the other.

Warm Regards,

Jillian Uptenchen

Monday, June 1, 2009

Alameda Puppy Trainer Stained by Fallout from Messy Journalistic Scandal!

The investigative Journalism team of the Alameda Daily Noose and me—actually, the only remaining investigative journalists in the entire country since Woodward and Bernstein retired—has recently uncovered a scandal at the Alameda Puppy Trainer so-called "news"-paper. We have documented several instances of patently false photojournalism.

Every week, the Puppy Trainer publishes a photo of a family from Alameda, on vacation somewhere in the world that is not Alameda, supposedly "reading" the paper while somebody takes a picture of them.

After thorough investigation using a magnifying glass on the print edition and the "enhance" command on the computer edition of the Puppy Trainer, we have determined that these are staged, manufactured events such as the bombing of the Reichstag during the Viet Nam War, or, closer to home, the infamous Squirrel "False Flag" Operation of 2008. In none of these photos are any of the family members actually reading the paper! The people in the photo are not even looking at it; they are clearly looking at the photographer or the camera itself. We find these photographs so deplorable that we do not dare to show an example here. (Plus, we don't want to get sued.)

We believe it is a travesty upon the integrity of journalists around the world that a so-called "news-paper" would insult our intelligence and dare to claim the falsehoods that they perpetuate throughout perpetuity. We call upon the Alameda Puppy Trainer to cease publication of such staged photographs and instead let their photographers and writers report real, true events, as the Alameda Daily Noose and I do every single day.