Aspiring journalists, take note: There is now a special tool available to help you scoop up those timely tips on goings-on in the great island nation of Alameda. Ordinarily, the Alameda Daily Noose and I would be suspicious of any product that displayed such obviously foreign spelling, but when we spotted this latest scoop, we immediately recognized that it was the result of our international influence.
We were already well aware that we have loyal fans around the globe, but this is the clearest evidence to date that our hard-hitting investigative reporting is being emulated elsewhere. We hope that someday, all of those backward countries, including even Europe, will follow our fine journalistic example. No matter what kind of ridiculous markings you use to spell it, you have to use a scoop if you want to dish out the noose.
Mind you, the Alameda Daily Noose and I already own enough scoops to last a lifetime, but some of you inexperienced, wanna-be reporters might want to try out this new-fangled fact-gathering device. You can't put a price on good information, but you can get a scoop for it at that hippie grocery store in town, and for only $14.49.
Remember, the Alameda Daily Noose and I print every single letter we receive, without significant exceptions, most of the time, so the next scoop we serve could be your own.