Monday, March 31, 2008

"Alameda" Puppy Trainer Scores Big, Fat Zero on Scale of Alamedaness

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have it on good authority that some reporter at the Alameda Puppy Trainer recently had the nerve to describe the Alameda Daily Noose as "a local news-themed Internet [sic] site." How many times do we have to remind people that the Alameda Daily Noose is a soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper? We are not running any mere Interweb "site," much less one of those boring, lame, online gossip shops (B.L.O.G.S.) to which certain people seems to be so fond of comparing us.

Furthermore, the Alameda Daily Noose isn't just "news-themed"; it is the news for this city, as would be obvious to anyone who had taken the time to test their Alamedaness with our special Noosiversary quiz. Today is your last chance to submit your answers. At 5:00 p.m., we will close the door on all further entries in the contest for our mystery prize. We will announce the winner in Tuesday's edition of the Alameda Daily Noose, even if we have to stay up all night scoring the entries, carefully cross-checking each one against our top-secret answer key. That's just part of the job for a Noose Man in the Classic Sense.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Betsy Baker Disagrees With Housing Plans

Hello Rog,

I must say, I am amazed that anyone would consider allowing our corrupt City government to even talk about building any housing at Alameda Point. Why, that land is so clogged with toxic waste that the least Terns are forced to stay at the far edges. If they were to nest any farther inland, the toxic fumes rising from the soil would kill them, or at least cause very unpleasant headaches.

With all of the radioactive waste and who-knows-what-all out there, the base is no place for people to be living. Instead of houses, we should put a hospital there. Only people who are already sick would want to sleep on top of a sickening pile of military refuse. Why, I'll bet that would be the most profitable hospital in the Bay Area, what with the great views, and the beds not being in use for long.

The hospital wouldn't take up much space, so the rest of the land could be used for parks. It's so wonderful to have places where our children can come in contact with pristine nautre, breathing clean air and digging their toes into wholesome, grassy fields. And when they grow up, happy and healthy, they can live in Antioch, because we sure aren't going to have any space for the little road-hogs here. I don't want them parking in front of my house!

Betsy Baker

Thursday, March 27, 2008

How Right Is Your Thinking? Take the Alameda Daily Noosiversary Quiz!

Today, the celebration of the beginning of our Interweb archiving continues with our Alameda Daily Noosiversary quiz. A special prize will go to the Right-Thinking Alamedan with the highest score. Of course, all of our loyal readers should be able to answer the following questions with perfect accuracy, so we will draw a random name from among those whose answers are 100% correct.

1. The best restaurant in town is:

a. Ole's Gruel and Hardtack Hovel
b. Gym's Coffee Clutch
c. either of the Wienerschnitzel fine German dining establishments
d. the Rusty Scupper Family Seafood Restaurant on the Alameda Riviera

2. The one thing that protects our high quality of life in Alameda is:

a. Measure Acorn
b. Measure Angus
c. the Alameda Daily Noose and I
d. all of the above

3. Anyone who manages to get elected to public office in this town must, by definition, be:

a. an idiot
b. too clever to be trusted
c. in the Developer's Pocket
d. all of the above

4. The only place to buy groceries in Alameda is:

a. the enormous new Safeway
b. Lucky, which the Alameda Daily Noose and I never called "Albertson's"
c. that hippie grocery store where you can buy prunes in bulk
d. Dusty Shelves Market

5. Traffic in Alameda is:

a. as bad as it was when the base was open
b. worse than Manhattan, Mexico City, and Bangkok combined
c. not my fault, because I have to drive
d. all of the above

6. The only good Bagpipe is:

a. one fighting with a Squirrel
b. locked safely in a closet thanks to school funding cuts
c. close to convenient mass transit in a Tartan-Oriented Development "node" with a large concentration of other Bagpipes
d. a dead Bagpipe

7. The Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates is all the fault of:

a. Squirrels
b. people who don't even live in Alameda
c. the Mayor
d. all of the above

8. The Alameda Daily Noose's 2,000th interweb visitor resides in:

a. Alameda
b. Brazil
c. China
d. definitely China; the Alameda Daily Noose and I know this for a fact

9. Next to Squirrels and Bagpipes, the greatest threat known to Alameda is:

a. John Knox White
b. so-called traffic calming devices
c. people regularly parking in front of my house
d. all of the above

10. The best number of questions to ask in a soon-to-be-award-winning quiz is:

a. 165
b. 9
c. 26
d. 10

Submit your Right-Thinking answers by jotting them on an otherwise useless issue of the Alameda Fish Wrap "newspaper" and slipping it under the door of Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters. Or, for the technolo-savvy reader, type your answers into a gee-whiz mail message addressed to and hit the "send" dingus. All answers must be received by 5:00 p.m. on March 31st, 2008, in order to qualify.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Happy First Noosiversary to the Alameda Daily Noose and Me!

It was exactly a year ago today that the Alameda Daily Noose and I made a major breakthrough in our process for bringing you the best noose, scoops, and investigative reports available on our Treasured Island. With the help of a noted Silicon Valley technologist and entrepreneur, we cracked the tough acorn of keeping our community up to date not just on current events, but also things that we reported on months ago.

Given our amazing record for journalistic innovation, an ignorant reader like you could be forgiven for asking why we did not take this step sooner. At first we thought there was no value in a scoop once it was past its faster-than-everyone-else date. What we hadn't considered, though, is that the high quality of our journalism makes it desirable long after ordinary newspapers have been used to wrap fish, or otherwise suitably consigned to oblivion.

In fact, the Alameda Daily Noose has more in common with a fine periodical like National Geographic, which no Right-Thinking Alamedan is ever able to throw away. However, because Alameda is in an earthquake zone, our commitment to public safety forbade us from binding up our back issues into archives, for fear that a big, precarious stack of yellow might fall and crush unsuspecting children or adorable puppies during The Big One.

And so, although we know it must be a terrible disappointment to all of our loyal readers, there are no back issues of the Alameda Daily Noose available from earlier than March 26, 2007. That was when we made the historic decision to leave our great works of journalism on the Interweb for the enjoyment of future Alamedans, because, as you know, things stored on the Interweb weigh much less than they do when stored in an attic. Our only reservation was the concern that a permanent record of past Noose items might be awkward if any of our predictions ever failed to match with results. However, we realized that we have never been wrong in the past, so it is impossible that we could ever be wrong in the future.

So, dear readers, we know that you will want to join with us in celebrating this auspicious occasion by raising a glass of your favorite beverage, and re-reading every issue of the Alameda Daily Noose that has been published in this past, momentous year, starting right here. There will be a quiz.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Former City Council Candidate's Tough Love for Strung-Out School District


Sometimes I find myself feeling almost sorry for the school district, but then I realize that no-one should spare any pity on the reprobates who destroy their own future by squandering tax money on education. We keep giving them our spare change, thinking that they might spend it on some wholesome, much-needed sports programs, but the next thing you know, the district is sprawled in a gutter surrounded by countless half-read treatises on continental philosophy and I-don't-know-what-else.

There are those who will say that we should keep passing parcel taxes to give the school district a chance to get their financial house back in order, but they either don't know or don't care that our tax dollars will only serve to let the school district stay permanently hepped up on mind-blowing academic subjects.

You might not think there would be any harm in the occasional use of algebra, but I've heard that it is a gateway to calculus and other mathematical disciplines. Likewise, excessive reading of Steinbeck can lead to harder stuff, including experimentation with Melville and Proust, or even Jane Austen addiction.

Until those education junkies on the school board can learn to spend money responsibly, instead of blowing it all on books, we need to help them sober up by cutting them off at the source. It's time to say, "Enough is enough!" to our strung-out school district.

Toughly but Fairly Yours,
Former City Council Candidate

Monday, March 24, 2008

Easter Eggsposé: Sunday, Squirrely Sunday

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have warned you what would happen if we allowed this city to be Soft on Squirrels, but did you listen? Well, not hard enough, it seems. Otherwise, the horror of this Easter Sunday would not have happened. Forgive us, we need a moment to collect ourselves, since the very memory of our recent encounter makes it difficult to type.

It all began innocently enough, with a traditional neighborhood egg hunt. All of the fine Alamedan children on the block were gathered for the usual post-hunt group photo with their respective baskets full of colored eggs and candy. The Alameda Daily Noose and I were absorbed in the adjustment of our official news photo equipment when a piercing scream nearly caused us to drop the light meter!

"My bunny! It's got my chocolate bunny!" came the heart-rending cry. We had only time to wheel the camera around and snap the horrifying photo you see here before the panicked tide of parents herded all of the precious little ones inside to safety, sweeping us along as they fled.

Mercifully, none of the eggs were damaged. Neither was little Madison, nor her friends Cheyenne, Albuquerque, and Fresno. Thanks to the quick actions of concerned Alameda parents, both Easter baskets and egg-hunters had been saved, but for one brave, chocolate bunny. If the Squirrel-Coddlers get their way, we may not be so lucky next time. Will it take the loss of a child's ears to make them wake up?

Friday, March 21, 2008

Eggregious Easter Travel Conditions

There will be no edition of the Alameda Daily Noose today. In case you hadn't noticed, there's a holiday coming up, and the Alameda Daily Noose and I want to get on the road extra early to avoid the terrible traffic that is going to slow our progress across Alameda. It can take a long time to get from one end of the island to the other, which is why we are allowing an extra day. Every year, we consider flying instead, but driving is much more enjoyable.

To help you get through the long holiday weekend without a Friday dose of soon-to-be-award-winning investigative journalism, we've provided you with a puzzle that should eat up at least one of those desolate, uneventful days. The object is to help the Easter Bunny find his way through this accurate map of Bay Farm Island. The Alameda Daily Noose and I have already solved the puzzle, but the only hint we can give you is to be sure to use a water-based marker. We are still trying to clean the Sharpie marks off our screen.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Recap of Measure Acorn Activities


Now that we're about two years into the latest campaign to undo Measure Acorn, the low tree-density restriction in Alameda, I thought it might be a good time to summarize and re-cap some of what we've learned. To wit:

Measure Acorn critics like to blame the people of Alameda for planting so many trees. They claim that some people actually like having big, leafy Squirrel magnets all over town! But scientific studies have shown what the real driving force behind tree proliferation is. Squirrels burying acorns and other seeds, and then failing to dig them up before they sprout, cause the growth of untold numbers of trees every year. So I guess it's the Squirrels who are to blame for our tree overcrowding problem, and not people at all.

Measure Acorn critics also like to say that the presence of trees can increase property values. But we know from a 2005 study done by the Prestigious Institute of Sciurine Studies that high tree-density suburban cities tend to have much lower property values than we do in relatively tree-free Alameda. It is clear that people prefer to live in places where there are not many trees per acre, which is why housing prices are so high in our City. So I guess what this tells us is that Alameda is perfect just the way it is, and allowing higher tree densities would completely destroy our ability to profit from real estate transactions.

They say trees provide shade, but I ask you, is that not what umbrellas are for?

But, they argue, trees help prevent run-off by absorbing water. Well, so does Kentucky Bluegrass, so what do we need trees for?

Birds like trees, but who likes birds? Any creature that would treat automobiles—those shiny, turbocharged instruments of our Alamedan freedom—with such flagrant disrespect has no right to live in Alameda!

And, as I've already pointed out, trees are a haven for Squirrels. Measure Acorn critics try to convince us that this is not a problem, that we should like Squirrels because they are cute, to which I issue the following scathing rebuttal: "Nuh-uh!"

One could (and indeed, one often does) go on and on - so many of the claims by Measure Acorn critics have been debunked by now - but this covers the main issues that Measure Acorn critics have tried to raise over the past couple of years. But I think Alameda residents are smart enough to see through the smoke screen created by Measure Acorn critics to hide their real agenda - undoing Measure Acorn to allow Squirrels a free ride to maximizing tree growth and nut production at the expense of residents.

Dave Williamson

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Latest Stalinist Recycling Scheme Yet Another Burden on Right-Thinking Alamedans


Here we go again. I am absolutely appalled by the latest Stalinist scheme to emerge from our local Politburo apparatchiks, known in some quarters as the "City Council." First they took away our iconic all-American galvanized trash cans and forced us to use ridiculous colored bins with wheels. Then they tried to force us to put our rotten food scraps into little green bins, inviting plagues of rats, insects, and whatever scary disease has been featured in all the papers lately. But this—this is the last straw!

I snapped the photos above on my excruciating, traffic-choked two-block drive home from the Dusty Shelves Market. Not content with forcing us to sort cans, bottles, newspaper, and food scraps, the Bolsheviks in charge of this burgh are now telling us we have to sort our discarded students and teachers into separate gray plastic tubs. Apparently, the pencil-necked bureaucrats in Sacramento say it's important to divert students and teachers from our landfills and ensure that they can be properly "re-cycled"—whatever that means—but I say, "Hogwash!" As if we don't have better things to do with our time!

It used to be that if we wanted to get rid of somebody, all we had to do was throw him into our galvanized trash can in the back yard and slam the lid down. We didn't have to sort people by age and occupation. We didn't have to drag a rainbow of colored plastic bins to the curb. Nope, we just chucked 'em in the can and a crew of friendly fellows wearing hats, snappy uniforms, and white gloves would come right back into the yard and pick up the cans, whistling, waving, and calling out, "Good morning to you, Sir!" as they worked. Whatever happened to those good old days of yore?

It's time for Right-Thinking Alamedans to say, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!"

Lon Geddoff

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Gruff Reply to Parcel Tax Talk


Doesn't anyone in this town realize what will happen if the schools get more money for their so-called programs? They'll expand them, that's what! We're going to see all kinds of weird new arts and sports stuff that doesn't belong in Alameda.

For example, what is Caber Tossing? It's a sport, that's what! Is that what we want, teenagers tossing big tree trunks around? Somebody could lose an eye! Right now, the schools don't offer that sport, which must mean that they don't have enough money for it. Let's keep it that way!

Furthermore, I ask you, what is the most expensive kind of musical instrument? A Bagpipe, that's what! You have to pay for each one of those little pipes sticking out of the thing. Therefore, if the schools get money for music programs, they will use it to buy bagpipes. Schools that have money are a threat to our entire community, and until people realize that, we will be in constant danger.

Columbia Gruff
Chair, Alamedian Party of Alameda

Monday, March 17, 2008

Right-Thinking Alamedans Prefer Luck o' the Irish to Venomous Parcel Tax

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have heard a lot of talk lately about possible alternatives to the insidious parcel tax that the Alameda Unified School district is trying to foist off on unsuspecting property owners. Despite the variety of opinions on the subject, we believe everyone can agree that it is a waste of time for the district to cut sports or other essential programs in an effort to balance their budget.

Instead, the School Board should take a rational approach, and apply all of their effort to seeking out the appropriate Leprechaun or Rainbow to guide them to Pot of Gold that, if properly invested, will ensure the continued success of local high school Mahjong and luge teams for the foreseeable future.

In case they are unable to locate a Leprechaun, the school district should keep in mind that I am authorized to appoint Honorary Leprechauns, especially in times of Emergency. A sufficient number of Honorary Leprechauns should be able to silence the venomous parcel tax apologists who are eating away at the heart of our education system like a nest of vipers in a rabbit colony. The Alameda Daily Noose and I are committed to rooting out that vile nest, just as St. Patrick did when he drove the serpents out of Alameda.

Friday, March 14, 2008

All-You-Can-Eat Fischer-Schnitzel Served Tomorrow Night at Alameda's Rusty Scupper

Alameda's own Ja, und das ist Polka! band will be playing this Saturday night at Cap'n Everett's Rusty Scupper Family Seafood Restaurant on the Alameda Riviera.

In addition to all the polkas you can stomach, the evening will feature all the delicious Fischer-Schnitzel you can eat. As Cap'n Everett's overseas pen pal Oberst Sänders would say, it's Finger-lecken gut! Refreshing beverages will cost $9 each, or $18 for two, but boy will they taste good after some energetic polka-ing and salty Schnitzel!

Of course, there is plenty of free parking, and it is not in front of anyone's house.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Alameda Daily Noose Acquires SunCal Plans for Alameda Point

Thanks to a Right-Thinking employee of SunCal who leaked some documents to us, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are ready to expose the latest shocker in the nefarious plans to develop Alameda Point.

We have been worried about the overdevelopment—by which we mean "development" of anything "over" what is there today—of Alameda Point, and concerned that SunCal would be creating Tartan-Oriented Development that would be in violation of Measure Angus. It turns out that their plans are even more troublesome. As the smuggled blueprints show (click the image to enlarge), the plans are to build what can only be described as an enormous peat bog, possibly combined with a Communist Squirrel Refuge, over most of the area now known as Alameda Point.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I will keep you posted as further developments come to light. And if any readers have an inkling of what happened to the area just to the East of Webster Street, please let us know. It is very disturbing to the Alameda Daily Noose and me to see a big empty space where the Rusty Scupper and its surroundings should be! What will become of Cap'n Everett's Yard Sail? Is nothing sacred, not even our precious swaths of free parking?! Be warned, Squirrel Coddlers and Bagpipe Huggers: We are watching you! One false move, and you will be in for a tch-tch-tch-ing you'll never forget. Right-Thinking Alamedans are nothing if not scrupulous in our demonization of those who disagree with us.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

7:48 a.m.: Dave Williamson Makes a Correction


A correction to my previous email - I found the Mayo, it was right where my wife said it would be…behind the peanut butter. The jar was placed there with remarkable foresight by her on February 24, 2008. I have attached a photograph. Given that Mayonnaise is made of eggs, one could be forgiven for thinking that a competent spouse would keep it with the rest of the dairy products on the third shelf, where any Right-Thinking Alamedan would expect to find it.

I want to apologize for blaming my wife for using all the Mayo, when in fact she's only just stupid about where she keeps the stuff in the fridge.

Dave Williamson

7:42 a.m.: Dave Williamson Can't Make a Sandwich


Where the Hell does my wife keep the Mayonnaise? I've looked in the fridge twice and haven't been able to find it. I've spent the last five minutes looking for Mayo to complete my sandwich. I have to pack my lunch to take with me to my job as a Silicon Valley technologist and entrepreneur, for goodness sakes. Is it too much to ask for a guy to have some Mayo to put on his turkey sandwich with the crusts cut off?

Dave Williamson

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Ridiculously Over-Ambitious Sign Announces Opening of Huge, Unusable Parking Garage

The City of Alameda just spent millions of dollars on a new parking garage. You can't tell the Alameda Daily Noose and me that they still have money to throw around on two-story neon signs, just to advertise to their under-utilized mistake. We all know that the garage is in Alameda, so we don't know why they felt the need to include that information so prominently on the sign. How stupid do they think we are?

Clearly this move was in response to our earlier exposé on the shameful lack of advertising for the new parking garage, but the City gave us too much, too late. By this time, everyone is aware that the garage is open, and has been pointedly not parking in it as a protest. If our City Council can't tell the difference between deliberately driving past with our noses in the air, and just not noticing that the garage is open, then it's time we replaced them with someone more perceptive.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Completely Inadequate Sign Announces Opening of Huge, Unusable Parking Garage

The City of Alameda just spent millions of dollars for a new garage that nobody wanted, and yet they couldn't afford a better sign than the pathetic sandwich-board shown in the exclusive Alameda Daily Noose photo above. Come on! Don't the people of Alameda deserve better notification than that?

The letters on the sign are so small that it took over a week for the Alameda Daily Noose and me to even realize that it was anything other than another annoying warning of the street closures that have plagued that section of Oak Street since the start of garage construction.

It's obvious that everyone else has been ignoring the new sign, too. Our Alameda Daily Noose photo clearly shows that the good, honest parking lot is full, whereas the evil, developer-driven garage is empty. Not only is the garage clearly badly built, and in danger of falling down in the slightest earthquake, but you have to pay to park there, too. Get real!

Friday, March 7, 2008

Roberta Millicent Scabreck Opposed to Pencils, Books, Teachers' Dirty Looks

Dear Rog,

Back when I went to school, there was plenty of money for art, music, and sports. As a parent, I am FURIOUS with the school district for denying my son and his peers the same opportunities that I had when I was growing up. I mean, apart from the horribly broken Rube Goldberg machine of government financing created to patch the huge funding hole blown out by the passage of Proposition 13, not to mention out-of-control health care and pension costs for public employees, WHAT HAS CHANGED since I was a kid? Clearly, this is all due to the incompentence of the School Board!

My son tells me that the School District is threatening to cut sports programs if we don't pass another ridiculous parcel tax! He and his friends cut class to protest this outrage, and he made a video film of the event. I have attached a copy for you to publish in your soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper.

Now some people have suggested that we need to start a recall campaign to remove the current members of the School Board, but I say that's not going far enough! If we have a recall, then we'll just have ANOTHER incompetent School Board to deal with. We need to get rid of the School Board altogether!

In fact, why stop there? Just think how much money we could save if we had no more pencils, no more books, no more teachers and their dirty looks! There would be plenty of money for art supplies, musical instruments, and sports equipment!

With all of the character building and positive influences that those activities will provide, the students won't even miss boring things like reading, writing, and arithmetic. After all, who needs that squaresville stuff when you could become the next Michael Jordan, Dontrell Willis, or Jamarcus Russell?

Responsible parents in this community have to make a stand and say "no" to this parcel tax, or any new tax. It is an OUTRAGE that our children must be made to bear the brunt of this atrocity. By letting this parcel tax pass, you are saying to Sacramento and Alameda governments that it is okay to mismanage our hard earned tax dollars, maybe next time you won't spend it all on needless things like teachers' and administrators' salaries.

Roberta Millicent Scabreck

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are also proud of the students for their enthusiastic exercise of their Constitutional Rights in protesting the cuts in student programs by the Alameda Unified School District and by the lackadaisical School Board. Alameda schools are for the students, not the teachers, the administration and the members of the School Board.

Roger Grumbel

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Hucklebee Withdraws; Squirrels Scurry One Step Closer to White House

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were so wrapped up in listening to the backwards messages in the tape of last night's Council meeting that we almost missed another story of great importance to Alamedans everywhere: Assailed by dirty tricks from Squirrels in the employ of front-runner John McCain, brave Right-Thinking candidate Mike Huckleberry was forced to withdraw from the Republican primary race at 9:15 p.m. last night, Tuesday, March 4, 2008.

It was a sad day for the great nation of Alameda, but the worst is yet to come. All of the other so-called candidates are certifiably Soft on Squirrels, which means that it is only a matter of time before Big Arborist is running our country, ramming 100-foot trees down our throats. Hoards of acorns will be stored in the Lincoln Bedroom, and every State of the Union Address will consist of two straight hours of unbearably tedious chit-chit-chittering.

Our only hope now is to prevail upon one of the remaining candidates to select as a running mate the only other person in the country who can save us all from the Sciurine Scourge. Yes, we refer to none other than the Bane of All Squirrels, the Mighty Huntress herself, Miss Heidi Wilson. With Miss Wilson at the next president's side, we could once again sleep at night, and even during the daytime. With her just a heartbeat away from the presidency, we could be sure that the Squirrels wouldn't dare make a false move. That is why the Alameda Daily Noose and I are devoting all of our vast political influence to ensuring that Miss Wilson is the top choice for whichever candidate manages to dishonorably claim the title of President that should have gone to our hero, the one and only Mike Huxtable.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Council Fails to Disclose Secret Plan to Overturn "Measure Acorn"

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were on the edges of our seats watching last night's City Council meeting, as we waited for the Council to reveal its secret plans to overturn Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn." Way back on September 5, 2007, an alert reader informed us that the Council had formed a committee for the sole purpose of subverting Measure Acorn, colloquially known as "Measure Acorn," under the guise of cleaning up obsolete language in the City Charter. You can only imagine our disappointment at the Council for failing to come clean, despite a withering barrage of questions from representatives of Inaction Alameda!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were so disappointed that we spent the whole night reviewing our tape of the meeting, yet closer scrutiny revealed nothing more than a mind-numbingly boring discussion of accountants' credentials and masculine and feminine pronouns. Of course, just as predicted in the Alameda Daily Noose, the committee favored the abolition of the Alameda Secret Police Fund, which we know will come as a huge disappointment to our good friend and loyal reader Marlene Verloren.

Finally, as the Alameda Daily Noose and I backed the tape up for what seemed like the hundredth time, we noticed something unexpected. Sure enough, when we turned up the volume and ran the tape slowly backwards, we could hear the Mayor utter the following phrase, clear as a bell:

"When 'Measure Acorn' comes, they run and hide their nuts."
Bingo! Obviously, the Mayor was using what sounded like bureaucratic gobbledygook to insert a coded secret message to her minions. On the face of it, the text seems to refer to the way the Squirrels are held in check by "Measure Acorn," but there must be some way to interpret it as a malevolent call to arms against the low tree density of our Treasured Island. The Alameda Daily Noose and I will continue listening to the suspicious backwards message until we've figured out how to twist it into the meaning that we know is there.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Scoop! of Smut: Alameda Free Library Caught Dealing in Pornography

We've long been opposed to the Alameda Free Library because libraries are a waste of taxpayer money to provide books that anybody can just buy from But today, the Alameda Daily Noose and I stumbled upon the secret of the century: The Alameda Free Library is distributing Pornography.

As this Alameda Daily Noose exclusive photograph clearly shows, the library has a bin specifically earmarked "Adult Books." We all know what that means. Yes, it's a euphemism for Pornography—or at least that's what this friend of ours tells us, because we certainly wouldn't know these kinds of things from personal experience.

These so-called Adult Book Stores, which we Right-Thinking Alamedans have managed to keep away from our bridges, are actually bastions of perverse videotapes, accessories, and who knows what else, or so we are told. To think that this has surreptitiously invaded our city, and that this material is being given away for free, is monstrous.

This is beyond the pale. We should not bother complaining to our city council, because they actually sanctioned the building of this so-called Library. Instead, all right-thinking Alamedans should immediately report this to the Police (conveniently located just across the street from the offending institution) for an immediate raid. Our children and grandchildren are counting on us!

Monday, March 3, 2008

Marlene Verloren Can't Stop Thinking About Outrageous Parcel Tax Proposal

Dear Roger,

Sigh…another parcel tax.

I know I am not the only one who feels that this outrageous proposal comes too close on the heels of the last one. Ah, yes, I remember it like it was yesterday: I was walking down the street, minding my own business, when I passed by a polling place and decided to enter and vote for a couple of candidates, for a lark, just as a debutante out for a stroll on a Saturday night might decide to pop into a Navy bar for a refreshing glass of sarsaparilla before continuing on her merry way.

Once I was within the dark confines of the voting booth, however, I was shocked—shocked!—to find myself confronted with a seemingly endless series of propositions, each one more scandalous than the last. I started to feel just like that poor debutante in the Navy bar: I kept slapping their hands away, but they wouldn't take "no" for an answer. "C'mon, baby, just this once—it'll help the schools!" the text of the measures said, reeking of fiscal irresponsibility, and though my lips replied "no," my pen was busy marking, "Yes, yes, yes!" Mortified, I ran out into the street, leaving my partially completed ballot sitting there like a half-empty glass of sarsaparilla.

And yet…I find that I can't stop thinking about those scandalous propositions and those grabbing hands. Even as I shouted, "Unhand me, you scalawags!" I felt the urge to add, under my breath, "But not so quickly!" I know how wrong parcel taxes are, but there is still a part of me that wants to fulfill the needs of our sailors—I mean, our schools, which are obviously a worthy cause, and we clearly need the parcel tax to avert the current disaster. I can't help myself! I know that the next time I get near a voting booth, I'll end up voting to increase my taxes again. I only hope that the school district will still respect me in the morning.

Marlene Verloren