Monday, May 31, 2010

A Day for Sober Reflection on Journalistic Valor

As the Alameda Daily Noose and I have pointed out many times before, today is a day to not only honor the memory of those who have given their lives in defense of Alameda, but also to recognize the valor of the journalists who risk life and limb to bring the stories of those conflicts back to the folks behind the lines.

You might think that reporting all through the battle to stop Alamedageddon, as we did, would risk enough limbs to last anyone a lifetime, but it turns out that retirement is not easy for those who feel the thrill of journalistic integrity pounding in their veins at the mere mention of Squirrels or Bagpipes threatening our Treasured Island. Perhaps, in the end, the Alameda Daily Noose and I will have to be carried from the field of journalistic valor, as others have been before us. If so, it would be a worthy end to our selflessly noble career.

We have heard rumors that, in a lesser-traveled corner of the interwebs, there still stands a monument to a journalist whose Right-Thinking may have rivaled our own. It brings a tear to our eye to think that one day, the Alameda Daily Noose and I might also have our passing marked by a simple masthead, glowing eternally in the darkness. Meanwhile, our city still needs us, and like those brave men and women in uniform, we are ready to report for duty.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Enhancing Your Green Guy's Environmental Energy

This column is especially for all of my green sisters out there, so anybody reading this who doesn't have at least two X chromosomes might want to stop reading and go put some gas in the hybrid SUV or something. Now, I'm not one to make broad generalizations, but let's face it: men are just not as environmentally conscious as women. You know what I mean, ladies. So often, your husband or boyfriend just can't quite keep up with you when it comes to living greenly. My own husband means well, bless his heart, but he sometimes can't work up quite as much enthusiasm for saving endangered species as I can. And then, or course, there's the little matter of getting the recyclables into the right bin, and remembering to close the lid afterwards.

Those are the kinds of little problems that can happen to any guy who's trying to live in harmony with the planet, and in harmony with a woman who loves the planet almost as much as she loves him. That's why I was so excited to discover that there is now a way to naturally enhance a man's green living prowess! It all started when I got an e-mail message from someone I don't exactly remember meeting (maybe it was at the beach clean-up last year), saying that her spouse had gotten fantastic results with a new "green male enhancement" supplement. As far as I can tell, this product is an all-natural herbal capsule that strengthens a green male's commitment to the environment in kind of the same way that ginkgo enhances memory.

Wow! It's yet another good idea from that green product powerhouse, China! By following the link in the message, I was able to order a sample pack of the supplement to try on my own "green male". I plan to secretly mix the contents of a capsule into his organic 50-grain muesli tomorrow morning. I'll let you know if the stuff really works for bringing out the planet-saving tiger that I married, and that I know is still in there somewhere. Don't tell him anything about this, though, because I want to avoid the placebo effect. I'm not sure exactly what that is, but I know it has something to do with getting your money's worth out of herbal supplements. And you know me—I like to save some green as much as I like being green!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Baloney Protects Alameda From High-Rise Sandwiches


Spin, spin, spin! That's all we hear from these paid shills for Big Turkey. Alameda rejected turkey sandwiches, end of story. Baloney won 85% of the vote against the turkey, limburger and anchovy option, which means that baloney is the only thing protecting this island from the threat of high-rise sandwiches.

The citizens of Alameda need to know what secret agenda David Jones is hiding behind his ridiculous claim that some people actually like turkey. I demand that someone provide me with all of the information there is about turkey producers, turkey sellers and turkey sandwich makers in Alameda, but not in some 500-page, hard-to read document. It needs to be easily digestible.

Basil Rand

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Greatest Love of All


I am so sick and tired of people trying to bully me into voting yes on Measure E by telling me they believe the children are our future so we have to teach them well. I don't know about you, but I'm not about to let these pushy little brats lead the way, especially if it means showing them all the hard-earned beauty I possess inside my wallet.

Those parents who say they believe "the children" are "our future" should be honest enough to admit that its THEIR CHILDREN and THEIR FUTURE. Not everyone elses. Certainly not MINE becuase MY kids already GOT their public education, and they did it without this stupid parcel tax, too. What does it take for all you selfish people out there to get it through your thick skulls? I got MY future all taken care of and YOUR future is not my problem!

I guess what I'm trying to say is no matter how guilty people try to make you feel you should not be afraid to say no to new taxes. Dont be ashamed of your money. Not only should you protect it from all those grabby-handed kids, you should hold it close and embrace it warmly. After snuggling up with those wads of cash for a while, I think you will finally agree with me, learning to love your wealth, it is the greatest love of all.

Tamara Barbaras

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Reader Who Voted Against Turkey Sandwich Still Claims to Love Turkey


I don't understand how Jean Kerkwilligers can conclude that no-one in Alameda likes turkey sandwiches, just because more people voted for the baloney sandwich than the turkey, limburger and anchovy sandwich in the sandwich shop poll. I love turkey sandwiches, I just didn't think I would enjoy a turkey sandwich that also had limburger cheese on it. If it hadn't been for that cheese, I would have voted for the turkey instead of the baloney.

There are lots of reasons why people might have voted for the baloney sandwich instead of the turkey, limburger and anchovy one. To say that the vote proves that the sandwich shop shouldn't offer any kind of turkey sandwich is just a load of baloney.

David Jones

Monday, May 24, 2010

What Has Park Street Merchants' Association Done for Business Owners Lately?


It's so sad that no-one besides me is doing anything to support Alameda businesses these days. More and more stores have been closing lately, which is mainly the fault of the Park Street Merchants' Association (PSMA). Businesses in the Park Street district don't get anything of value for their membership dues to PSMA, except for a newsletter and a few mixers where they are expected to waste time getting to know their fellow merchants and perhaps discussing how to help support each other and foster a successful business district together.

What exactly is PSMA doing to help keep businesses afloat in this difficult economy, apart from their usual street fairs that bring tens of thousands of people downtown, and the occasional ads for Park Street in local and regional papers and at the local theater? I mean, apart from helping businesses obtain façade and sign grants that have spruced up many store fronts along Park Street in the past few years, making them more attractive and visible to shoppers, and apart from the extensive streetscape project that brought improved sidewalks, benches and trees and many other benefits to the district, what has PSMA done? Sure, PSMA helped support the renovation of the historic theater, which is nice, but they must have known at the time that there was a huge economic downturn coming, and that it was going to take a lot more than people coming downtown for dinner and a movie to give any kind of boost to surrounding businesses.

Clearly, PSMA's lackadaisical approach to promoting Park Street businesses has had an effect on our entire community. Some businesses have been closing on Webster Street recently, too, like the New Zealander, and the Skippy peanut butter plant. What did PSBA do to try to prevent those closures? And I'm not sure how, but the serious problems with Greece's economy must also be the fault of PSMA.

Of course, I can also blame my fellow Alamedans for all of those problems. Instead of driving off to cities that are not Alameda to do their shopping, they should be buying things here, whether they need them or not. Why should people buy balloons and party favors only when they are throwing a birthday party? And why is it that people only go to restaurants when they are hungry? Everyone should be patronizing local businesses as much as they possibly can. I have 62 pairs of waterproof yachting boots in my closet right now that I haven't worn yet, but I try to make sure to support every one of Alameda's shoe stores at least once a week. And yet, it's still not enough. Please, somebody, give me a hand here! Go buy some ice cream, or scrapbook supplies, or new power tools, or something.

Lane O. McHail
Celebrated Yacht Racer and Muralist

Friday, May 21, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: How to Save More on Gas Than You've Ever Dreamed of Spending!

Oh, boy! It's time again for my family's annual trip to the dealership to pick up one of the very latest hybrid SUV's. Springtime is the perfect time to spring into gas savings with a new, high-powered vehicle that will be the envy of all your green friends and neighbors. We always make sure to test drive the biggest, heaviest new models we can find, and see how difficult it is to park them, because we know that the more times we have to drive around a block looking for a space we can squeeze into, the more gallons of gas we are saving with the hybrid over a comparably sized vehicle without that miraculous feature. (Somebody once tried to explain to us the difference between the amount of gas saved and the total used, but it sounded complicated, so we just stick with our maximum gas savings rule.)

Yes, I know it's hard to think about buying a new car in these tough financial times, but when you think about how much money you'll save by filling up the tank of a hybrid SUV instead of an ordinary one, you'll see that you can't afford not to buy a new vehicle.

I'm not sure what our best option will be this year. The hybrid Behemoth looks like a nice model, but so do the Travesty and the Circumnavigator. We're just going to have to drive a bunch of different ones to make sure we can all be happy with our choice for the next ten or twelve months. So if you're looking to save the planet (and some serious gas money), maybe we'll pass each other on our test drives!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The Island Has Spoken: You Can't Argue with 85%

Dear Rog,

As we all know, a certain local sandwich shop recently asked patrons to vote on which was their favorite sandwich of two that were new to the menu, and the baloney sandwich won with a whopping 85%! The losing sandwich was turkey, limburger, and anchovies, and it's obvious from the results of the vote that this community has resoundingly rejected turkey sandwiches. The island has spoken.

So, you can imagine my shock when I was in that sandwich shop recently and saw that they still have turkey sandwiches on the menu! There's turkey with Gruyère, turkey with Swiss (which is just like Gruyère, but with a reduced density), and even some "green" sandwich with organic turkey, lettuce, and avocado. I thought we were through with that! Turkey sandwiches should all have been run out this town on a rail right after the vote.

It's clear that everyone who voted for the baloney sandwich did it because they are opposed to turkey. You can't argue with 85%! That means that any bonehead who voted for the turkey, limburger, and anchovy sandwich doesn't understand that turkey is wrong for our community, and they don't deserve to have any say in local sandwich making. I can't believe that the sandwich shop is still accommodating those morons.

Jean Kerkwilligers

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Reader Says Don't Ban Pot, Ban the Really Dangerous Stuff


How could you be so irresponsible as to publish, without comment, that inflammatory letter about medical marijuana dispensaries last week? Frieda Bellows is blindly discriminating against people like me, who have serious illnesses that are not contagious, and who find some relief in a drug that is prescribed to us for those conditions. She wants to make our lives even more difficult, not to mention unpleasant, by forcing us to drive to some other city to fill our prescriptions.

It would be a far better use of Ms. Bellows' time to blindly discriminate against another group of people: those who drink alcohol. Now there's a drug with no medical benefits. And yet, our City Council allows it to be sold in sordid wine bars, and in restaurants don't even really serve Italian food, as far as I can tell.

Some of these alcohol outlets are practically right across the street from a school! What are we teaching our children? Do we want them to think it's normal to drink a glass of wine with dinner? Do we want them driving drunk, dying of liver disease, and cutting off their own ears before gaining fame for their impressionist oil paintings? I say no!

The responsible thing would be for Alameda to close down all establishments that suppy alcohol, whether they are close to schools or not. The scourge of Chardonnay, and even harder stuff like Reisling and even Shiraz, has afllicted our community for long enough! Pot clubs are no problem, though. So, don't ban pot. Ban the really dangerous stuff.

Luella Pitt

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are shocked—shocked!—that anyone would criticize our well-known policy of publishing every letter we receive, with the sole exception of those we do not. Furthermore, just because we do not prick a the author of a particular letter with our rapier wit in one of our signature editor's comments does not mean that we were not thinking of dozens of insightful and damning criticisms as we published the item.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Alameda School Teachers Selfishly Reject Solution to Budget Cuts


I have quite sensibly suggested a solution to the Alameda Unified School district's budget shortfall: stop paying the teachers. Unfortunately, those selfish teachers have made it quite clear that they have no intention of giving up the generous salaries that they earn for "working" only nine months of the year. Why, they're not even in the classroom for all eight hours of the workday, so they probably should never have earned more than part-time pay anyway. I mean, playing around with a bunch of kids for a few hours, what kind of work is that? It sounds more like fun than work.

Teachers get to do things like grading papers and making lesson plans. Doesn't that sound like fun? I'd sure rather do that than write papers, or take tests.

And who wants to listen to a lecture? It must be much more fun to give them. In fact, those teachers should pay the kids to sit and listen to them blather on about whatever it is they were saying when I was in school.

I hear that a lot of teachers already save money by sharing their attic rooms with other teachers and their families, so they must be able to live a life of luxury with all of that extra moolah!

And we all know that the best teachers are the ones who do it because they are dedicated to the welfare of children, so they should be motivated to do it even without pay. That's why it's ridiculous that they expect us to keep paying parcel taxes to fund their salaries.

Vin Ek

Monday, May 17, 2010

Oh, the Humanity! "Hindenberg" (sic) Disaster of Tardy Reporting, Bad Editing Hits Alameda

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were recently shoveling away a heap of yellowed local newspapers that had collected in that hard-to-reach corner of the front porch, when a rare item of some actual interest caught our eye. It was an image of a flaming Zeppelin hurtling towards a crowd of innocent soon-to-be-victims on the ground beneath it.

At first, we thought that our direst warnings about Zeppelin traffic in Alameda had come to pass, but of course there is no way that such a catastrophe could have escaped our notice. Puzzled, we took a closer look, and burst out laughing when we realized that the second-rate excuse for a "news" outlet was just now getting around to reporting on the long-ago Hindenburg disaster.

Our years of reporting on the Zeppelin problem have finally alerted those less gifted reporters to what's happening in Alameda. At this rate, though, they will never catch up to the most recent Zeppelin incidents. After all, the Hindenburg did its damage seventy-three years ago (which, by the way, means that the fireball hit in 1937, not 1936 as those sloppy editors seem to think), and Alameda has almost completely recovered by now. It's sad how out-of-touch with reality those self-described "journalists" are, but it just goes to show that no-one else in this town can come anywhere close to the Alameda Daily Noose and me when it comes to getting the scoop.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: A Big "Excuse Me" for One of Mother Nature's Little Hiccups

If you're like me, you've still been a little worried this past week about the big oil spill that's still gushing in the Gulf of Mexico. I mean, yes, it was reassuring to remember that these days, offshore drilling is "safe enough," which must mean that the spill isn't really much of a problem, but a little part of me was still wondering why it isn't a problem.

Then, as I was driving around town in my hybrid SUV, the answer came to me out of the ether, floating on radio waves. You see, what we've all been forgetting is that crude oil is natural. It’s as natural as the ocean water is, so all of the wildlife in and around the ocean should be just fine. Oil comes from the earth, and the earth is good, so the oil must be good too. It's as if Mother Earth just had a little hiccup that just happened to be caused by a man-made oil rig exploding. All of the fish and waterfowl in the Gulf are no more in danger than if they were animals on the side of a mountain peak with perfectly natural molten lava (also a product of Mother Earth) running down its sides in all directions. And if the oil spill is no more damaging than volcanic ash and lava would be, I can't imagine that there will be any bad economic consequences for fishermen or anyone else.

Hooray! At last we can stop worrying about the spill completely, and get back to saving the planet by buying biodegradeable forks from China, and using them to help us get rid of as many of those shamefully polluting cows as we can. In fact, I think I'll hop in the SUV right now, and go buy some steaks. Better yet, maybe I should load up the family and we can get those steaks cooked for us at our favorite steakhouse, where the T-bones come from Texas, and are almost as big as Texas! Come to think of it, enjoying some of those steaks would be a great way for people in Texas to pass the time while their beaches naturally de-oil themselves.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Everything Old Is Noose Again…Almost

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were on the brink of a major breakthrough in restoring the classic colors of our interweb noosepaper, but then our technical advisor was called away for his piano lesson, leaving us with less-than-satisfactory results, as you can see. Somehow, instead of the time-honored black lettering on a yellow background, we ended up with very bright lettering on an extremely dark background. Obviously, no-one would choose such a strange color scheme on purpose, and we assure our readers that we will get the problem fixed just as soon as we can get that grand nephew to hop on his skateboard and scoot back over here to finish the job.

Of course, none of this would have been necessary if it hadn't been for a certain Silicon Valley technologist and entrepreneur who had the nerve to mess with success, and not clean up after himself. The Alameda Daily Noose and I can't stand people who don't clean up their messes.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Marlene Verloren Longs For the Way Things Were


Now that you are Chief Editor again, when are you going to change the colors of the Alameda Daily Noose from that hideous blue back to soothing yellow and black? I long for the way things were.

Marlene Verloren

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have been waiting for some technical assistance in the matter of getting our old colors back. A certain silicon valley entreprenuer claims to be too busy to help with that, so we are going to have to find a time when a certain ten-year-old grand-nephew is caught up on his homework enough to take a look at the problem.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Crazy, Evil Renters Persecute Helpless Measure E Opponents


An ancient horror has returned to Alameda. Not since our fair island was a colony of England has there been such an outpouring of Puritanical persecution against people who own homes. It is the crazy, stupid, evil-genius, communist renters who are behind this modern witch hunt. They have as good as admitted that they would milk us dry and walk away smiling. They will not be forced to pay higher taxes if the Measure E school tax passes. No doubt, their noble landlords will shoulder the senseless burden alone, not asking so much as an extra penny in rent as compensation.

Those who dare speak against the Measure E parcel tax are being cruelly tormented by those lucky renters, who have been so harsh as to publicly disagree with us! That is exactly what happened to Anne Hutchinson, who can be seen in the attached illustration bravely bearing the Alameda Unified School District's sharp entreaties to her to help them educate children. Note their exaggerated gestures of shock as Anne declares that her daily Frappuccino is more important than the principle of guaranteed education, and that being forced to make her own coffee to save money would be a living death for her. I feel such a kinship with her, as I bought my home after careful calculations of how large a mortgage I could assume while still having just enough money for Frappuccinos.
But now, facing the possible renewal of a tax that I couldn't possibly have anticipated, I feel so helpless. Why, oh, why can we not have a reasoned debate in this town, without people resorting to hyperbole and demonization of their opponents? A curse on all you brainless renters, buying Frappucinos with the money you've cleverly saved by not buying a home! I fear this election may be my last....
Miss Schell

Monday, May 10, 2010

The Real Danger of Pot Clubs


It looks like our City Council might have done something right for a change, they banned medical marijuana dispensaries in Alameda. As somebody pointed out, who would want one of those on their block? We all know who goes to that kind of place. It's sick people, and they could all be contagious!

That's the real danger of pot clubs. I mean, do we want the children in our neighborhoods coming down with dialysis, or maybe even a bad case of the munchies? And think about all of those glaucoma sufferers who would be parking in front of my house by mistake because they couldn't see the dispensary well enough!

Anybody in this town who's sick enough to need marijuana should just drive to some other city to get it. That would be a whole lot safer, and better for everyone, especially me.

Frieda Bellows

Friday, May 7, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Spill, Baby, Spill!

I'm thrilled to have Roger Grumbel back as the chief editor of the Alameda Daily Noose! That's good news for all of us.

Unfortunately, there's been more bad news lately for Mother Earth. I heard that there has been another oil spill, and although it's not in our own bay this time, it's even bigger and nastier than the one that had me down in the dumps last fall. There was a big explosion on an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico, which was enough of a disaster itself, but then it also left oil leaking into the Gulf (which I found out is right up next to the United States!) Now oil is washing up on beaches in Louisiana, as if all of that hurricane damage weren't enough.

Now, there aren't many environmental disasters that get me more agitated than an oil spill. Whenever I think of nice, clean waterfowl being smothered in globby oil residue, I want to get out the organic dish soap and start scrubbing them down myself. There must be tender-hearted people doing just that right now in Louisiana, but what can we do about it here in Alameda? I've already done my part by switching my household from 3-in-1 to corn oil, and many of my friends have been inspired to do the same (or have just stopped lubricating machinery altogether) but it's looks like that's not enough. I just can't understand where all of that oil goes when it's not leaking into sensitive marine habitat.

While I was puzzling over that mystery, though, I remembered something that somebody very experienced and heroic and authoritative sounding said about offshore drilling just a year or so ago: "It's safe enough." I'm not sure why, but just hearing someone say that is reassuring. The key to easy green living is knowing when to stop worrying.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Why Does Dawn Diamond Hate Grass So Much?


I hear that troublemaker Dawn Diamond is at it again. She had the nerve to suggest that people might want to replace their lawns with plants that need less water and fertilizer! Doesn't she know that we are still in a drought? That means that we have to use as much water as we can, before it runs out.

She even claims that a friend of hers who went through with some hare-belled scheme to chop up her sod, actually likes flowers. Now, I'm not opposed to flowers in general, but who in their right minds would want the things cluttering up their front yard? Here in Alameda, we have big expanses of Kentucky Bluegrass, and that is the one thing that makes this a great town to live in.

Clearly, Miss Diamond is trying to force us all to do something we don't like, all the while pretending that there are people who might actually enjoy saving water and having something other than grass in their front yards. Hah!

I just have one question: why does she hate grass so much?

Frieda Bellows

Editor's Comments:

The vast majority of Alamedans have already voted in favor of grass with their front yards. That means it's time for shills for Big Florist, like that dweeby Dawn Diamond, to be quiet and accept their crushing defeat.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Reader Appreciates a Firm, Steady, Experienced—Not to Mention Handsome and Dashing—Hand at the Wheel

Dear Roger,

Is it true? Are you really taking over the Alameda Daily Noose editing for good? I hope so, because Dave Williamson has been a huge disappointment. Since he's been in charge, it's gotten so that I hardly even know what's going on in this town that shouldn't be.

Jean Kerkwilligers

Editor's Comments:

Yes, it's true. Popular demand, paired with Dave Williamson's extraordinary dedication to the upcoming Miss Grumpy Alameda pageant, has finally persuaded me to take the helm of this noosepaper once again.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Journalistic Torch to Be Passed to Older, Grumpier Generation

It is with a profound mix of melancholy and impossibly high expectations that we at the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose by Inaction Alameda announce the latest development in the illustrious career of Dave Williamson, our chief editor. For many a long week, Dave has labored in the nooseroom to bring you inside information on our Right-Thinking community in the most technologically up-to-date way possible.

Many of you, of course, do not fully appreciate what an outstanding job he has been doing. But that is beside the point. Whether you realize it or not, you will soon be deprived of the advantages of his full-time editorship, as his ever-increasing responsibilities as Miss Grumpy Alameda's press agent make it impossible for him to continue as editor without sacrificing the renowned quality of his work for the Alameda Daily Noose. As of tomorrow, the role of regular editor will be resumed by former editor Roger Grumbel. Although Roger may be a poor substitute for Dave Williamson, we grudgingly admit that he is the best man for the job under the circumstances.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Letter Writer's Gallinaceous Gall Sure to Ruffle Right-Thinking Alamedans' Feathers


Wait. You're making fun of the chicken census? ["We're Not Chicken, Unlike Some We Could Mention," April 28] Be very careful. Backyard chicken owners are a very powerful group in this town. Most of us won't go on record, because we're afraid of retribution. But let me assure you: we are the silent majority in this town. We are backed by off-island chicken farmers with very deep pockets in their overalls and we will take our complaints to the highest coop in the land.

Another Alamedan CIMBY
(Chickens In My Backyard)

[Editor note - we here at the Inaction Alameda Daily Noose by Inaction Alameda have no idea where the anonymous coward who wrote this letter got the idea that our hard-hitting coverage of the so-called chicken census was meant as some kind of joke. Clearly this delusional reader has us confused with that pathetic, unfunny, sophomoric, juvenile parody site that we have heard has a name very similar to an established Alameda Noosepaper - of course, we wouldn't know for sure, because we would never stoop to actually read such garbage ourselves - and which we shall not mention here for fear of giving it far more publicity than it deserves.]

Editor's Comments:

Now listen here, Dave, the Alameda Daily Noose and I don't know, but maybe this CIMBY letter writer has a point. It certainly seems plausible to us that somebody who's so busy running around with Miss Grumpy Alameda that it is left to us to provide proper coverage of the Sciurine Menace might just have missed some subtle aspects of the chicken census story as well.

[Editor note - Rog, you may have been a great noose man in your day, but you clearly don't understand basic logic. It's a well-established fact that you can't count your chickens before they hatch. Furthermore, everybody knows that the egg came first, not the chicken, because the egg is what hatches into a chicken. Thus, reasoning from first principles, which are like eggs because they come first, chickens themselves simply cannot be counted. Therefore, it's obvious that the so-called chicken census actually refers to the counting of scaredy cats - colloquially known as "chickens" - not the birds that hatch from eggs. It's really quite simple, but if you still can't get it through that head of yours, stop by my office and I'll draw you a diagram.]

Editor's Comments:

You can't talk to me like that, you young punk!

[Editor note - Oh yeah? What are you going to do about it, old man?]

Editor's Comments:

Maybe you'd like to discuss that with the Alameda Daily Noose and me in a little editorial conference in the dark alley behind Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters—that is, unless you're…chicken

[Editor note - Oh, dear! Is that Miss Grumpy Alameda I hear calling me? She does have a very loud voice. Sorry, Rog, but I have to run…maybe some other time…]