Monday, May 25, 2009

Special Encore Presentation of a Special Encore Presentation of the Alameda Daily Noose

Editor's Comments on the Editor's Comments:

As time passes, people are sometimes forced to re-evaluate their statements, positions, and even deeply held beliefs. Fortunately, though, this never happens to the Alameda Daily Noose and me. We refuse to let ourselves be confused by the facts; we stand firmly behind our comments from one year ago, whatever they were. That is why, once again, we have dusted off the following classic piece of journalism pulled from the Alameda Daily Noose archives. This one always brings noble tears of pride to our eyes, and we know that you will enjoy it just as much now as you did last year:

Special Encore Presentation of the Alameda Daily Noose

Editor's Comments:

Every Right-Thinking Alamedan family has its treasured holiday traditions, and the Alameda Daily Noose and I are no exception. Whenever a special day rolls around, we are literally inundated with requests for encore presentations of our Alameda Daily Noose holiday classics. So, without further ado:

Alameda Daily Noose honors those who made ultimate, penultimate sacrifices

The annual Memorial Day Ceremonies at Alameda's Veterans' Memorial Park at the foot of the Bay Farm Island Bridge will begin this morning at 11:00 AM. In a time when it's so easy to become distracted from the issue at hand, we must remember this Monday to focus all of our thoughts on those brave men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice to protect the freedom we all hold dear. But how, you might ask, would we remember to remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice if it were not for those of us who made the penultimate sacrifice to bring you the story? Yes, that's right, it was the brave journalistic legions of the Alameda Daily Noose who toiled around the clock to bring you the time and place of the Memorial Day Ceremonies.

Although we're far too modest to talk about it, Alameda Daily Noose and I are here, every hour of every day of every week, bravely protecting you, the readers, from the slings, arrows, bullets, and grenades of public discourse that are constantly slung, shot, and hurled our way. When we see a letter to the editor whizzing through the series of tubes that is the interweb, we throw ourselves in its path — without a thought for our own safety — defiantly shouting "Nooooooooooo!" as everything goes into slow motion. We hit the "delete" key, and millions, or at least hundreds . . . well, perhaps dozens of readers are spared from opinions that might jangle disharmoniously with the established thought patterns of right-thinking Alamedans everywhere. Before you can raise your voice to utter a word of gratitude, we've already said it: "No need to thank us, Sir or Ma'am, it's all in a day's work for the Alameda Daily Noose and me."