Sunday, July 4, 2010

July 4th: A Day to Celebrate Our Journalistic Independence

As the great island nation of Alameda prepares once again to honor the Alameda Daily Noose and me with its annual parade, we cannot help reflecting modestly upon the many years of service that we have given freely to our Right-Thinking fans, holding aloft the eternal flame of Alamedaness. In that journalistic endeavor, no-one yet has been able to fill our estimable shoes. Not even the mighty Dave Williamson was able to pull our noble editorial pen from the loathsome ash tree of Wrong-Thinking that we had impaled with it. Beset the while by chit-chit-chittering Squirrels as annoying as the notorious Ratatoskr of ancient Noose mythology, young Dave strove with all his strength (except for that which he expended on Miss Grumpy Alameda's publicity) for three months to gain mastery of that pen, even practicing with an electronic simulator, but to no avail. I, Roger Grumbel, was forced to step in again to show the younger generation of Alamedans how it is done.

It is just such masterful decision-making that defines the truly great editor. No set of journalistic rules, however comprehensive, can replace the daring independence of a Noose Man in the Classic Sense. There are times when one must throw off the chafing chains of fact and fly free. There is no telling where true journalistic integrity may take an editor next. Sometimes, it may even lead to some city that is not Alameda, as unexpected as it may seem that there would be anything worth noting outside our Treasured Isle. You need not fear for our safety when we go to such lengths in pursuit of items for publication, for there is always a place reserved in the Noosemobile for our faithful canine companion, Scoop, who will face any danger, with the possible exception of cats and some other things.

But let us not forget that the foundation of any noosepaper worth its salt is a firm grasp of the history of Alameda. The Alameda Daily Noose and I make sure to remind our readers of the details of long-standing institutions that should be common knowledge, such as our Secret Police. Yes, from the time of Alameda's discovery in 1492, up to our current travails under a Bagpipe-hugging President, our every scrap of history must be preserved, perhaps in some of those enormous hangars that were recently discovered in western Alameda.

It is only right that today Alameda should celebrate us, who bring you all of those noose stories and more. Of course, we are too modest to say it ourselves, but it must be obvious that we embody that ancient Alamedan legend: in Alameda's hour of greatest need, a hero braves the leaping magic flames to awaken a sleeping noosepaper. With that hard-won prize, he goes forth to fight the never-ending battle for truth, justice, and the Alamedan way.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Becoming Less of a Greenhorn When It Comes to Green Living

I want to thank my readers for the neat tips they sent in on canvas shopping bags. I never would have thought of using them more than once! I'll have to try that out, along with some of those other suggestions.

Thanks to this kind of helpful feedback, I've been discovering that some of the information I gave in my past columns wasn't always 100% right. For example, it turns out that putting a bucket in your shower doesn't work the same way as a plastic laundry ball (not that my laundry ball has been working all that well lately). The way the bucket really works is that it catches the water that you'd usually let run down the drain while you wait for it to warm up. Then you can use that water for something else, like maybe maintaining your water garden. Who knew?

It just goes to show that, no matter how green you think you are, there is always more to learn. So keep striving, green Alamedans! And if those green pick-up lines work for you, you might soon be passing on your earth-friendly wisdom to your own bouncing baby environmentalists.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Roy Avery Doesn't Frighten the Alameda Daily Noose and Me


You've gone too far this time, Roger Grumbel. You've insulted the honorable clan of bagpipers, of which I am a proud member, by calling us a "bunch of cowards." You'd better run for the hills, Grumbel, because the next time I see you in a safe, well-lighted, public place with plenty of people around, I'll be asking if you want to call me a coward to my face! We'll see who's the coward then.

Roy Avery,
Bagpiper, peat bog afficionado, and staunch supporter of tartan-oriented development

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are not the least bit frightened by Roy Avery's threat. We feel perfectly safe here at the Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters, and have been peeking outside at frequent intervals to make sure that we really are safe. Besides, Roy Avery knows that if he ever tried something as reprehensible as speaking to us in public, we would slap a restraining order on him faster than you can say "huge, intimidating Scotsman who must stand at least 5' 4", and who smells menacingly of bluebells and daffodils."

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Jean Kerkwilligers is Worried about How Worried to Be about Bagpipes

Dear Roger,

It seems like it's been months since you reported on the Bagpipe situation in Alameda. I'm starting to forget how I'm supposed to feel about Bagpipes, and reading that confusing book by Alameda author Danielle MacSteele didn't help.

Could you please let me know how worried I should be about Bagpipes? Lately, I've been having to do most of my worrying and complaining about Zeppelins instead.

Jean Kerkwilligers

Editor's Comments:

You can be sure that if there had been any untoward Bagpipe in Alameda recently, the Alameda Daily Noose and I would have reported on it. Obviously, we have those tartan-wrapped ruffians, the Bagpipers, on the run. That bunch of cowards must have been driven right out of town by our unrelenting critiques. Their ear-splitting racket was no match for our journalistic integrity, which just proves the old Alamedan maxim that the pen is mightier than the chanter.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

One-Third of Alameda Breathes Sigh of Relief after Mighty Hunter Bags Mammon-Eating Beast


My fellow Alamedans will be relieved to know that I have returned unscathed from my most recent tax hunting safari. As we all know, the tyranny of ferocious tax beasts has long forced us all to enjoy social services that we do not even desire. Only when every one of the savage monsters has been eradicated will we be free from public schools, paved roads, waste collection and countless other wasteful services. Therefore, I sally out as often as I can (without unduly worrying my wife) to confront the dangers of taxation and bring them to the ground.

This time, I managed to bag the King of the Fiscal Jungle, the vicious, notorious Measure E. This is a victory in the fight against predatory taxation. Some say that Measure E was able to swallow an entire bank account in a single bite, although I feel sure that it would have choked had it tried that with my bank account.

Although it may seem amazing that I can defeat a fearsome tax beast single-handedly, the truth is that the lone tax hunter is assured of victory in any one-on-one battle. Only if there are two or more of them against one is it time to retreat and live to fight another tax another day. Don't listen to those bleeding hearts who oppose the wholesale slaughter of taxes. We must destroy as many of the creatures as we can if we are ever to achieve fair taxation. I welcome any red-blooded Alamedan who cares to join me on my next tax-hunting expedition.

Ned Elksfield

Monday, June 28, 2010

Bright, Young Marketing Maven Loves the Alameda Daily Noose


Good Afternoon! My name is Ashley and I’m part of the Promotions Team here at We have been seeking out high quality websites and blogs, gauging interest in doing a giveaway with one of our sites. We love the look and feel of your blog and think that your US and Canadian readers might be interested in a giveaway with our sites.

Have a look at a couple of our sites and let me know if you think that this might be something you’d be interested in. Perhaps we could give away a selection of our racks and stands! I’d be happy to brainstorm some other ideas with you if you’re interested. Alternatively you could do a review of something from our site. Please let me know if you have any questions for me. I hope to hear from you to further discuss the details of the giveaway.

Kind Regards,


**Please note: If are unable to reply to this message for any reason, please email my alternate email address at and I will get back to you. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are sure that many of our readers are likely to be in need of a source for high-quality racks and stands. We are seriously considering ordering some and writing reviews of them, since we are so adept at reviewing things. Don't feel that you have to wait for our reviews before purchasing any racks and/or stands for yourself. The Alameda Daily Noose and I have legendary levels of sales resistance, so you can be sure that when we are interested in a product or service, it's not because we are swayed by the girlish charms of some slick, unprincipled wheeler-dealer. We can tell from her naive use of asterisks that Ashley is an innocent, straightforward type who could use a few pointers on the rack and stand business from an experienced reviewer.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Shopping Green with Canvas Bags

Hey, everybody! I recently learned that doing your shopping with your own canvas bags is better for the environment than those paper ones they give out at the stores, and they're even more planet-friendly than plastic bags. Why? Well, I'm not sure about that part yet, but I've noticed that canvas is nice and sturdy. They don't tear when you put heavy or sharp-cornered things in them, and they're easier to lift in and out of your hybrid SUV thanks to those substantial handles. I'm especially eager to use the clean, green bag I picked up at one of our fine local businesses, because it advertises the importance of supporting environmental superstar countries like China by buying their products in our local stores.

The only problem I've had with canvas bags so far is that they take up a lot more room in my trash containers than the plastic ones. There must be a solution to this. Maybe my readers have some suggestions. If so, I'll be sure to pass them along to the rest of you.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 63 days, with the most recent shown in green:

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
Corica Have Mercy:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, May 18, 2010

Editor's Comments:

City staff seems determined to go on and on about plans to develop Alameda Point, even though the electorate, by voting down Measure B this spring, soundly rejected the idea of ever changing anything at the former naval air station. The Alameda Daily Noose and I are amazed that the City still cannot get this fact through their skulls!

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
This Is an Outrage:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, May 10, 2010

City of Alameda Public Utilities Board, May 17, 2010

Editor's Comments:

If we can just pass proposition 16 in the election next week, this could be the last Public Utilities Board interwebcast we ever have to sit through! The Alameda Daily Noose and I can't wait to join other Right-Thinking voters in wresting control of the clean coal content of our power away from those fat cats at Alameda Muniserable Power.

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:
Regular Transportation Commission, April 28, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, May 24, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, June 1, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, June 15, 2010

Editor's Comments:

The City Council as good as admitted that the parking garage has turned out to be a complete failure and should be torn down. Of course, even the most Right-Thinking among them were too timid to suggest that sensible course of action, but they acknowledged that the garage hasn't brought in as much revenue as expected, which amounts to the same thing.

Golden AcornGolden Acorn
Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Regular Transportation Commission, May 26, 2010

Editor's Comments:

We can't decide whether the footage of boats is more boring than the meetings with people droning on about public transportation, but it's high time the City stopped holding these Transformation Committee meetings altogether.

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council May 4, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, June 14, 2010

Special Planning Board Meeting, June 21, 2010

Golden Acorn
Nothing Worth Complaining About:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, April 26, 2010

Special ARRA Meeting - AP Environmental Update, May 6, 2010

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

That'll Teach 'Em!


I hear that the preliminary results on the Measure E parcel tax show it losing by a whopping 1.28% of the vote so far. I just couldn't be happier! It's about time we stuck it to those greedy school kids. The nearly 1/3 of Alamedans who are tired of having to always pay taxes that supposedly provide "public services" are tired of being pushed around by the 2/3 of voters who want to waste our money on decadent extras like paying teachers enough to live on. Why, in my day, teachers were always starving to death in their unheated attic rooms, and I ended up getting a perfectly good education from those starving teachers.

It's obvious that there is a lot of fraud, waste and abuse in the school system, because it makes up such a large part of the state budget. But if Measure E is defeated, we'll be well on our way to a bright new future of the good, old-fashioned one-room schoolhouse, where the students can darn well chop their own desks up for firewood to stay warm instead of expecting us to always pay for expensive heating systems. That'll teach 'em!

Georgina Jones

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Keep Up with the Latest Squirrel Strategems

As Right-Thinking Alamedans are well aware, the Global War on Squirrels requires all of us to stay on our toes to keep up with the latest strategems of our crafty enemy. We are at constant risk from suicide Squirrels, and we can only hope that the next one will take as few of us with him (or her!) as the unsuccessful one in the Alameda Daily Noose exclusive photo below.

Yes, the image is chilling. To take off that chill, we advise you to read up on anti-Squirrel tactics now, before your own automobile has a run-in with one of these ruthless kamikazes. Thanks to an tip from an astute Alameda Daily Noose reader, we can heartily recommend starting with the book Squirrel Wars by George H. Harrison, perhaps followed by Outwitting Squirrels: 101 Cunning Stratagems to Reduce Dramatically the Egregious Misappropriation of Seed from Your Birdfeeder by Squirrels by Bill Adler, Jr.

Start reading as soon as you can. Both the seed and the safety of Alameda may hang in the balance.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Brenda Snook Says Community Needs to Get Creative to Fund Education


I believe that every child should have the opportunity for a free, public education, but this parcel tax we're supposed to be voting on is the wrong way to fund it. It's a complicated issue, which is why the City should put a moratorium on public education for a year or two, to give us time to figure out what would be a fair way to pay for it.

So, if we all just vote against Measure E, then we can start over and get people involved in the process this time. Maybe the community can come up with some really creative ways of funding public education, preferably without anyone having to pay taxes for it.

Brenda Snook

Friday, June 18, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Recycling Your Summer Fun!

Happy summer, everyone! I know I'm a little early, since it won't be the official first day of summer until Monday, but it's the perfect time for some summer green living tips.

Usually at this time of year, I'd be getting ready to load the family into the hybrid SUV for a trip to Yosemite or to Disneyland, but have you seen how much it costs to get a whole family into Disneyland these days? I am seriously interested in saving some of that green for other things this year, like our suddenly-readjusted mortgage.

That's why I've come up with a better plan for family fun this summer: we'll just rehash our old vacations! There are plenty of photos from other trips that we can look at together to relive the excitement as a family.

We can say to the kids, "Remember the time when we went to Disneyland and spent half our time in the cinema, because after that we went on a ride, and Chad felt sick afterwards, and then he threw up and we all ended up going home because it turned out he was coming down with the flu? Wasn't that a lot of fun?"

Wow! I could really get used to this armchair traveling, and I'm sure the kids will love it too. So why not get started today with saving some green by recycling your family vacations?

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Bah! Global Grumpiness Summit to be Held in Alameda

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have just heard that a conference on grumpiness is scheduled to be held this fall on the U.S.S. Hornet. Apparently, the main goal of the conference is to "identify the 10 things we can do over the next 10 years to raise the Global Grumpiness Index (GGI) by 10 points." Although the Alameda Daily Noose and I can see the value of increasing Global Grumpiness, the conference organizers obviously didn't consider the horrible traffic impacts that they will have on our Treasured Island when all of those outsiders drive through town on their way to the Hornet.

As one can easily see from the photo below, showing the participants in the first annual Global Grumpiness Summit a number of years ago, Alameda could very well have a few things to teach the conference about Grump. Despite the fearsome facial hair and defensive postures of some of the individuals in the photo, certain of them look almost cheerful. Right-Thinking Alamedans could quickly put an end to that. However, any possible benefits to them of holding the conference here would be outweighed by the enormous imposition on those of us who live in Alameda.

That means it is time for us to use the power of our grumpiness. If enough Alamedans start complaining about the conference right now, we might be able to save them the trouble of holding it at all; Alameda is already responsible for a larger percentage of the world's Grump than any other comparably-sized city, so if we double our output, we could probably raise that index by 10 points in no time. The Alameda Daily Noose and I already do our part, so it's up to our less-diligent readers to pick up the slack and get grumpy.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Annoying Phone Calls, Letters and Yard Signs


I support Measure E to fund Alameda schools, but I'm sick of students calling me on the phone to remind me to vote for it. I'm also sick of getting fliers about it in the mail, and seeing letters about it in the local papers and signs on people's front lawns. And I can't stand it that people are talking about Measure E wherever I go.

Why can't the schools just run a nice, quiet campaign instead of getting in everyone's face with annoying methods like public advertising and word-of-mouth?

Misty Poynte

Editor's Comments:

Although we are puzzled by Miss Pointy's inexplicable stance on Measure E, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have to admit that she has hit the nail on the head when it comes to annoying political campaigns. There should really be some kind of law against people urging other people to vote for -- or even against -- ballot measures.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Coho Jenkins Just Can't Wait for Alameda Daily Noose Election Guide

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have been told that a certain Mr. Jenkins has been making noises about not having enough information for the June primary (he also seems a little confused about the election date, much as Brenda Snook was). We certainly understand that all of those candidates and propositions can be confusing if you don't have a firm grasp on the Right-Thinking way to make voting choices. That's why the Alameda Daily Noose Generic election guide is indispensible for just about any election. We were going to wait until closer to election day to re-publish our famous guide, but since there is such a demand for it, here it is now:


Vote for the fresh-thinking outsider who will root out the rampant fraud, waste and abuse in government, solving our budget problems once and for all. Look for the man (or woman) of action, who won't just think outside the box, but will blow up all of the boxes, making it impossible for anyone to think inside them again, and leaving other politicians blinking in the unaccustomed light of day. If we could only just once elect such a governor, we'd be out of this mess in no time.

Lieutenant Governor

Just vote randomly on this one. Nobody even knows what the Lieutenant Governor does, so it can't make any difference who we choose.

U.S. Representative

Vote for the candidate who is not a fruitcake.

State Senate/State Assembly

Vote for the noble, brave challenger who runs against the corrupt, incompetent incumbent. If all goes well, the noble, brave challenger will win, and you can look forward to voting his or her corrupt, incompetent butt out of Sacramento in the next election!


Vote for the candidate with the least so-called legal experience. A judge is just someone who gives opinions all day, and what makes a judge's opinion any more valuable than that of, say, a Noose man in the classic sense? Never give one of those elitist types your vote.


Education is supposed to be about The Children, not quote-unquote teachers or so-called administrators. That's why you should not vote for anyone older than age 17 for a school-related office.

County Supervisor

Vote for the candidate who is not an evil robot. If all of the candidates are evil robots, vote for the one who is a good evil robot.

State Propositions

Vote NO on everything except propositions that:
Promote puppies, rainbows, and kittens.
Tie the hands of those know-it-all elitist judges.
Stick it to the bums in Sacramento.

Local Measures

Vote NO on anything that:
Raises taxes.
Sounds harmless (it's a trick).
Sounds suspicious (it is).
Secretly reroutes all Alameda bus lines onto Grand St.
Claims it will not raise taxes (only a measure that secretly raises your taxes would claim not to raise your taxes).

Vote yes on everything else.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Flag Day, Alameda Style

Every Right-Thinking Alamedan knows which flag to fly highest today, of course, but let's not forget about the other fine flag traditions in our city. This is a great day to display symbols of community values such as our solidarity against Squirrels:

And, those who live in certain neighborhoods may want to send a reminder to their neighbors to respect the peaceful sanctity of the holiday by refraining from excessive noise-making:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I will be flying all of these flags proudly today, and more. It's a great day to be an Alamedan.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: How to Turn Green While Getting Rid of Unwanted Oil

Forgive me if I'm not my usual chipper self today. I've been losing some sleep over the oil spill that is still going on in the Gulf of Mexico. Every time I close my eyes, I see those oil-covered birds again. It makes me feel green around the gills, and not in a good way. Just when I think that I have a lid on my anxiety, and that everything is going to be okay, more bad news comes pouring out of the gulf. I sometimes wonder if there will ever be an end to it.

But then, thank goodness, there was a bright spot in the news recently: BP is going to start burning some of the spilled oil to prevent it from polluting the ocean!

I was amazed to hear that. I'd never thought of burning oil to dispose of it. When my husband and I change the oil in our hybrid SUV, we usually just pour it down the storm drain (I know there are signs telling you not to, but everybody does it anyway, right?). Now that BP has shown that burning oil is better than dumping it in the water, though, I think I'll try that next time we change our oil. It's hard to believe that all of that yucky-looking black smoke is okay for the planet, but it must be, right? RIGHT??

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Frieda Bellows Questions Need to Keep Alameda Schools Open


I keep hearing people say that we should pass the Measure E parcel tax so that we can keep all of Alameda's schools open. But how can we be sure that there will be any teachers to teach in those schools? The state of California keeps cutting our funds for teachers, so eventually there probably won't be any teachers.

Sure, it would be nice to keep having schools in Alameda, for people who like their children to be educated (although I personally don't think education is really necessary now that you can look up everything on the interwebs). But we don't really have any control over whether there will be teachers for those schools. It might be better if we just accept that kids in the future are going to have to learn everything from their computers, and stop trying to plan our community around schools.

Frieda Bellows

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Lon Geddoff Tries a New Kind of Doughnut

Dear Editor,

As you no doubt are aware, I like donuts. I just wanted you and your readers to know what happened to me this morning.

I was taking my usual morning constitutional, which consists of me getting into my XXL-sized diesel King-Cab truck, driving over to The Donut Hole over on Encinal Avenue, and picking up a dozen donuts for my brunch enjoyment. Well, I was running a little late this morning because of really interesting report on "Wake Up Alameda" about non-Alamedans sneaking past a lackadaisical border patrol with the intent of causing harm to us. By the time I got to the Donut Hole, they were out of my usual Powdered-sugar-dusted cinnamon donuts. At first I was outraged, but then I realized that I didn't have any choice in the matter -- what would I be without my morning pick-me-up -- so I opted for all that was left, the coconut sprinkle flavor. The owner kindly threw in an extra one for me to try and make up for my dismay. (making it a "baker's dozen" -- get it? He is a baker, and I got a "baker's dozen" donuts from him!)

Anyway, what I wanted to report was that I found that this new flavor was absolutely delicious! I had no idea that I had been missing out on this for the last 36 years since my beloved dachshund passed away and I started this morning ritual to fill the gap in my life. Now I'm starting to wonder if I should change over to getting coconut-sprinkle every day, or should I go back to my normal flavor, or should I do something really daring and try a completely DIFFERENT flavor tomorrow and all the days to come? Perhaps you or your readers can give me some advice.

Lon Geddoff

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are dedicated to bringing our readers late-breaking developments in the Alameda doughnut situation such as the cinnamon-sugar crisis Lon Geddoff mentions. We hope that our readers will have some suggestions for helping him through this difficult time. For example, when I go to The Donut Hole, I like to get a fresh-baked Alamedian, because it reminds me of John F. Kennedy's famous statement of solidarity with the citizens of our embattled island: "I am an Alamedian." We all knew that he meant he was an Alamedan, and not a type of doughnut named for our city, but it's still funny to think of a doughnut being our leader.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Brenda Snook Is the One Who Is Confused about June Election Dates


I think you may have gotten the dates of the two different June elections confused in your yard sign round-up. The primary, which is the election with all those propositions, is actually this week, on the 8th, not on the 27th, which I don't think is even a Tuesday, by the way. The school parcel tax ballots are the ones that need to be mailed by sometime near the end of the month, to stop them from over-taxing us even more.

It's understandable that you made a mistake, considering how complicated this month is, voting-wise, but that's all the more reason not to get people even more mixed up with inaccurate information. Could you please publish a correction so that all of your readers will be sure to get their votes in?

Brenda Snook

Editor's Comments:

We know we shouldn't have to keep repeating this, but the Alameda Daily Noose and I never make mistakes. We don't know where Brenda got the idea that we had confused two different election dates, but she is welcome to go to her polling place today if she believes that it's time to vote already.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Election Yard Sign Round-up: A Special Report

Last year, our scoop of noose showing the only pro-measure-B (and thus, anti-measure-Acorn) sign to be found in Alameda demonstrated our journalistic integrity and also helped preserve Measure Acorn.

This year, with the election just around the corner (Be sure to vote on Election Day, June 27, or mail in your ballots by June 26) we here at the Alameda Daily Noose thought it would be a good idea to take a drive around the island and see what yard signs are on display, and get a sense of what the public is thinking (and also to keep tabs on any non-Right-Thinking Alamedans).

Naturally, the most popular signs are all the variations of the "Keep Measure A(corn)" signs that are on nearly everybody's lawns, even after nearly four years. We know that there are different sides to the issue, and that the yard signs don't always agree but what we can all agree on is that Measure A must be preserved for all eternity.

As for the current state propositions, we here at the Noose can never keep track of all these confusing numbers, but fortunately the yard signs have made the choices clear.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening your Election

Wow! I just found out that any candidate or proposition on the June 8th ballot can be made environmentally friendly with just a little bit of the other kind of "green". There's an organization called "Californians Vote Green" that can make it happen if you purchase placement in one of their fliers.
Now that I know about this, I am definitely going to vote for all of the candidates and propositions recommended by "Californians Vote Green". If I had known about it earlier, I might have chipped in some money to get even more propositions on the green list, so that I could feel even better about voting. We all know that buying green products is good for the planet, so the more of the election we can buy, the better! I think it's wonderful that even something as random as changing laws for automobile insurance can somehow become good for the environment. I don't really understand it, but I'm sure going to vote for it!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

ACLO, Bastion of Immorality and Inaccuracy, to Shut Down

Alameda Civil Liberties Opera (ACLO) announced yesterday that they have closed their curtains for the last time. Their press release cited "financial difficulties due to the recession" but we here at the Alameda Daily Noose know better.

First of all, there is no recession. The economy is going great, and as columnist Janet Marchant will tell you, it's also going green. Why, all you have to do is look at the fact that the oil companies are allowing millions of gallons of crude oil to gush freely into the ocean (thankfully, not the ocean attached to Alameda, so we don't mind) to show you that our oil-based economy is doing just fine if such untold riches are allowed to go to waste.

But the Alameda Daily Noose and I digress. We know that the theatre company has closed up due to public pressure, no doubt something we helped bring upon them. Wasn't it vigilant ADN reader who helped expose the red-light district that ACLO was trying to establish? And remember when ACLO was begging for money right around Christmas time a year ago, when clearly they had already gotten money from ticket-purchasers? (How uncouth!) How about when ACLO admitted in a letter to the Noose that the theatre was haunted? Surely they must have known they were scaring patrons away -- not good business acumen if you ask us!

Worst of all ACLO offenses was the way that their "operas" (How can they be operas when the performances were always in English?) portrayed life in Alameda so inaccurately. Case in point: West Side Story, which reader Lynn Irving reviewed and exposed as a sham. And then there was Ragtime, produced last year, which peddled an unlikely story about immigrants (still shuddering!) to Alameda, and falsely depicted a green, torch-bearing statue in nearby estuary waters. There is no such statue anywhere off the coast of Alameda; the Daily Noose and I checked.

It's high time that this bastion of thespianism is closed for good. We say Good-bye to ACLO, and trust that hereafter, the perilous world of opera will never again darken Alameda's doorstep!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Alameda Daily Noose Proudly Supports Freedom of Right-Thinking Speech

A certain technology-savvy youngster just informed the Alameda Daily Noose and me that someone out there in the interwebs has suggested that we ought to censor some of our content. Now, we realize that some of our investigative reporting can turn up shocking revelations, but anyone who thinks it would be better to hide ugly truths from Right-Thinking Alamedans is clearly not familiar with the fundamental principles of running a high-quality noosepaper.

For starters, this is a family noosepaper, so by definition, we select only the noose that is fit to print. Beyond that, we scrupulously allow anyone to say whatever the he—uh, that is, heck they want about our stories, as long as they agree with us. We do not now, nor will we ever censor. Furthermore, we publish every single letter that is submitted to the Daily Noose, except for the ones that we don't.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are known for being completely unbiased in our reporting, and for treating every issue with the seriousness that it deserves. Freedom of speech is a cherished right for all Alamedans, except for the 15% who foolishly voted in favor of turkey sandwiches, which no true Alamedan would ever do, thus proving that those turkey-huggers don't actually live in Alameda if they do in fact exist at all.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Slow Noose Day

With Memorial Day observations past, and the lingering scent of backyard barbecues lulling even the savage Squirrels into complacency, the Alameda Daily Noose and I find ourselves facing one of those days in which nothing truly Nooseworthy happens. The pace of unwanted changes has slowed to a snail's pace, and no amount of prodding can induce the populace to get off the dime and start complaining.

We know that we should be glad. Complete lack of change is exactly what Alameda needs, after all. And yet, something is missing from our lives when we are not in the fray of outraged grump, dodging errant insults meant for others. But as summer heats up, and the heat makes Alamedans crankier, we're sure to be back in the thick of full-blown complaining in no time.

Monday, May 31, 2010

A Day for Sober Reflection on Journalistic Valor

As the Alameda Daily Noose and I have pointed out many times before, today is a day to not only honor the memory of those who have given their lives in defense of Alameda, but also to recognize the valor of the journalists who risk life and limb to bring the stories of those conflicts back to the folks behind the lines.

You might think that reporting all through the battle to stop Alamedageddon, as we did, would risk enough limbs to last anyone a lifetime, but it turns out that retirement is not easy for those who feel the thrill of journalistic integrity pounding in their veins at the mere mention of Squirrels or Bagpipes threatening our Treasured Island. Perhaps, in the end, the Alameda Daily Noose and I will have to be carried from the field of journalistic valor, as others have been before us. If so, it would be a worthy end to our selflessly noble career.

We have heard rumors that, in a lesser-traveled corner of the interwebs, there still stands a monument to a journalist whose Right-Thinking may have rivaled our own. It brings a tear to our eye to think that one day, the Alameda Daily Noose and I might also have our passing marked by a simple masthead, glowing eternally in the darkness. Meanwhile, our city still needs us, and like those brave men and women in uniform, we are ready to report for duty.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Enhancing Your Green Guy's Environmental Energy

This column is especially for all of my green sisters out there, so anybody reading this who doesn't have at least two X chromosomes might want to stop reading and go put some gas in the hybrid SUV or something. Now, I'm not one to make broad generalizations, but let's face it: men are just not as environmentally conscious as women. You know what I mean, ladies. So often, your husband or boyfriend just can't quite keep up with you when it comes to living greenly. My own husband means well, bless his heart, but he sometimes can't work up quite as much enthusiasm for saving endangered species as I can. And then, or course, there's the little matter of getting the recyclables into the right bin, and remembering to close the lid afterwards.

Those are the kinds of little problems that can happen to any guy who's trying to live in harmony with the planet, and in harmony with a woman who loves the planet almost as much as she loves him. That's why I was so excited to discover that there is now a way to naturally enhance a man's green living prowess! It all started when I got an e-mail message from someone I don't exactly remember meeting (maybe it was at the beach clean-up last year), saying that her spouse had gotten fantastic results with a new "green male enhancement" supplement. As far as I can tell, this product is an all-natural herbal capsule that strengthens a green male's commitment to the environment in kind of the same way that ginkgo enhances memory.

Wow! It's yet another good idea from that green product powerhouse, China! By following the link in the message, I was able to order a sample pack of the supplement to try on my own "green male". I plan to secretly mix the contents of a capsule into his organic 50-grain muesli tomorrow morning. I'll let you know if the stuff really works for bringing out the planet-saving tiger that I married, and that I know is still in there somewhere. Don't tell him anything about this, though, because I want to avoid the placebo effect. I'm not sure exactly what that is, but I know it has something to do with getting your money's worth out of herbal supplements. And you know me—I like to save some green as much as I like being green!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Baloney Protects Alameda From High-Rise Sandwiches


Spin, spin, spin! That's all we hear from these paid shills for Big Turkey. Alameda rejected turkey sandwiches, end of story. Baloney won 85% of the vote against the turkey, limburger and anchovy option, which means that baloney is the only thing protecting this island from the threat of high-rise sandwiches.

The citizens of Alameda need to know what secret agenda David Jones is hiding behind his ridiculous claim that some people actually like turkey. I demand that someone provide me with all of the information there is about turkey producers, turkey sellers and turkey sandwich makers in Alameda, but not in some 500-page, hard-to read document. It needs to be easily digestible.

Basil Rand

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Greatest Love of All


I am so sick and tired of people trying to bully me into voting yes on Measure E by telling me they believe the children are our future so we have to teach them well. I don't know about you, but I'm not about to let these pushy little brats lead the way, especially if it means showing them all the hard-earned beauty I possess inside my wallet.

Those parents who say they believe "the children" are "our future" should be honest enough to admit that its THEIR CHILDREN and THEIR FUTURE. Not everyone elses. Certainly not MINE becuase MY kids already GOT their public education, and they did it without this stupid parcel tax, too. What does it take for all you selfish people out there to get it through your thick skulls? I got MY future all taken care of and YOUR future is not my problem!

I guess what I'm trying to say is no matter how guilty people try to make you feel you should not be afraid to say no to new taxes. Dont be ashamed of your money. Not only should you protect it from all those grabby-handed kids, you should hold it close and embrace it warmly. After snuggling up with those wads of cash for a while, I think you will finally agree with me, learning to love your wealth, it is the greatest love of all.

Tamara Barbaras

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Reader Who Voted Against Turkey Sandwich Still Claims to Love Turkey


I don't understand how Jean Kerkwilligers can conclude that no-one in Alameda likes turkey sandwiches, just because more people voted for the baloney sandwich than the turkey, limburger and anchovy sandwich in the sandwich shop poll. I love turkey sandwiches, I just didn't think I would enjoy a turkey sandwich that also had limburger cheese on it. If it hadn't been for that cheese, I would have voted for the turkey instead of the baloney.

There are lots of reasons why people might have voted for the baloney sandwich instead of the turkey, limburger and anchovy one. To say that the vote proves that the sandwich shop shouldn't offer any kind of turkey sandwich is just a load of baloney.

David Jones

Monday, May 24, 2010

What Has Park Street Merchants' Association Done for Business Owners Lately?


It's so sad that no-one besides me is doing anything to support Alameda businesses these days. More and more stores have been closing lately, which is mainly the fault of the Park Street Merchants' Association (PSMA). Businesses in the Park Street district don't get anything of value for their membership dues to PSMA, except for a newsletter and a few mixers where they are expected to waste time getting to know their fellow merchants and perhaps discussing how to help support each other and foster a successful business district together.

What exactly is PSMA doing to help keep businesses afloat in this difficult economy, apart from their usual street fairs that bring tens of thousands of people downtown, and the occasional ads for Park Street in local and regional papers and at the local theater? I mean, apart from helping businesses obtain façade and sign grants that have spruced up many store fronts along Park Street in the past few years, making them more attractive and visible to shoppers, and apart from the extensive streetscape project that brought improved sidewalks, benches and trees and many other benefits to the district, what has PSMA done? Sure, PSMA helped support the renovation of the historic theater, which is nice, but they must have known at the time that there was a huge economic downturn coming, and that it was going to take a lot more than people coming downtown for dinner and a movie to give any kind of boost to surrounding businesses.

Clearly, PSMA's lackadaisical approach to promoting Park Street businesses has had an effect on our entire community. Some businesses have been closing on Webster Street recently, too, like the New Zealander, and the Skippy peanut butter plant. What did PSBA do to try to prevent those closures? And I'm not sure how, but the serious problems with Greece's economy must also be the fault of PSMA.

Of course, I can also blame my fellow Alamedans for all of those problems. Instead of driving off to cities that are not Alameda to do their shopping, they should be buying things here, whether they need them or not. Why should people buy balloons and party favors only when they are throwing a birthday party? And why is it that people only go to restaurants when they are hungry? Everyone should be patronizing local businesses as much as they possibly can. I have 62 pairs of waterproof yachting boots in my closet right now that I haven't worn yet, but I try to make sure to support every one of Alameda's shoe stores at least once a week. And yet, it's still not enough. Please, somebody, give me a hand here! Go buy some ice cream, or scrapbook supplies, or new power tools, or something.

Lane O. McHail
Celebrated Yacht Racer and Muralist

Friday, May 21, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: How to Save More on Gas Than You've Ever Dreamed of Spending!

Oh, boy! It's time again for my family's annual trip to the dealership to pick up one of the very latest hybrid SUV's. Springtime is the perfect time to spring into gas savings with a new, high-powered vehicle that will be the envy of all your green friends and neighbors. We always make sure to test drive the biggest, heaviest new models we can find, and see how difficult it is to park them, because we know that the more times we have to drive around a block looking for a space we can squeeze into, the more gallons of gas we are saving with the hybrid over a comparably sized vehicle without that miraculous feature. (Somebody once tried to explain to us the difference between the amount of gas saved and the total used, but it sounded complicated, so we just stick with our maximum gas savings rule.)

Yes, I know it's hard to think about buying a new car in these tough financial times, but when you think about how much money you'll save by filling up the tank of a hybrid SUV instead of an ordinary one, you'll see that you can't afford not to buy a new vehicle.

I'm not sure what our best option will be this year. The hybrid Behemoth looks like a nice model, but so do the Travesty and the Circumnavigator. We're just going to have to drive a bunch of different ones to make sure we can all be happy with our choice for the next ten or twelve months. So if you're looking to save the planet (and some serious gas money), maybe we'll pass each other on our test drives!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The Island Has Spoken: You Can't Argue with 85%

Dear Rog,

As we all know, a certain local sandwich shop recently asked patrons to vote on which was their favorite sandwich of two that were new to the menu, and the baloney sandwich won with a whopping 85%! The losing sandwich was turkey, limburger, and anchovies, and it's obvious from the results of the vote that this community has resoundingly rejected turkey sandwiches. The island has spoken.

So, you can imagine my shock when I was in that sandwich shop recently and saw that they still have turkey sandwiches on the menu! There's turkey with Gruyère, turkey with Swiss (which is just like Gruyère, but with a reduced density), and even some "green" sandwich with organic turkey, lettuce, and avocado. I thought we were through with that! Turkey sandwiches should all have been run out this town on a rail right after the vote.

It's clear that everyone who voted for the baloney sandwich did it because they are opposed to turkey. You can't argue with 85%! That means that any bonehead who voted for the turkey, limburger, and anchovy sandwich doesn't understand that turkey is wrong for our community, and they don't deserve to have any say in local sandwich making. I can't believe that the sandwich shop is still accommodating those morons.

Jean Kerkwilligers

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Reader Says Don't Ban Pot, Ban the Really Dangerous Stuff


How could you be so irresponsible as to publish, without comment, that inflammatory letter about medical marijuana dispensaries last week? Frieda Bellows is blindly discriminating against people like me, who have serious illnesses that are not contagious, and who find some relief in a drug that is prescribed to us for those conditions. She wants to make our lives even more difficult, not to mention unpleasant, by forcing us to drive to some other city to fill our prescriptions.

It would be a far better use of Ms. Bellows' time to blindly discriminate against another group of people: those who drink alcohol. Now there's a drug with no medical benefits. And yet, our City Council allows it to be sold in sordid wine bars, and in restaurants don't even really serve Italian food, as far as I can tell.

Some of these alcohol outlets are practically right across the street from a school! What are we teaching our children? Do we want them to think it's normal to drink a glass of wine with dinner? Do we want them driving drunk, dying of liver disease, and cutting off their own ears before gaining fame for their impressionist oil paintings? I say no!

The responsible thing would be for Alameda to close down all establishments that suppy alcohol, whether they are close to schools or not. The scourge of Chardonnay, and even harder stuff like Reisling and even Shiraz, has afllicted our community for long enough! Pot clubs are no problem, though. So, don't ban pot. Ban the really dangerous stuff.

Luella Pitt

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are shocked—shocked!—that anyone would criticize our well-known policy of publishing every letter we receive, with the sole exception of those we do not. Furthermore, just because we do not prick a the author of a particular letter with our rapier wit in one of our signature editor's comments does not mean that we were not thinking of dozens of insightful and damning criticisms as we published the item.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Alameda School Teachers Selfishly Reject Solution to Budget Cuts


I have quite sensibly suggested a solution to the Alameda Unified School district's budget shortfall: stop paying the teachers. Unfortunately, those selfish teachers have made it quite clear that they have no intention of giving up the generous salaries that they earn for "working" only nine months of the year. Why, they're not even in the classroom for all eight hours of the workday, so they probably should never have earned more than part-time pay anyway. I mean, playing around with a bunch of kids for a few hours, what kind of work is that? It sounds more like fun than work.

Teachers get to do things like grading papers and making lesson plans. Doesn't that sound like fun? I'd sure rather do that than write papers, or take tests.

And who wants to listen to a lecture? It must be much more fun to give them. In fact, those teachers should pay the kids to sit and listen to them blather on about whatever it is they were saying when I was in school.

I hear that a lot of teachers already save money by sharing their attic rooms with other teachers and their families, so they must be able to live a life of luxury with all of that extra moolah!

And we all know that the best teachers are the ones who do it because they are dedicated to the welfare of children, so they should be motivated to do it even without pay. That's why it's ridiculous that they expect us to keep paying parcel taxes to fund their salaries.

Vin Ek

Monday, May 17, 2010

Oh, the Humanity! "Hindenberg" (sic) Disaster of Tardy Reporting, Bad Editing Hits Alameda

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were recently shoveling away a heap of yellowed local newspapers that had collected in that hard-to-reach corner of the front porch, when a rare item of some actual interest caught our eye. It was an image of a flaming Zeppelin hurtling towards a crowd of innocent soon-to-be-victims on the ground beneath it.

At first, we thought that our direst warnings about Zeppelin traffic in Alameda had come to pass, but of course there is no way that such a catastrophe could have escaped our notice. Puzzled, we took a closer look, and burst out laughing when we realized that the second-rate excuse for a "news" outlet was just now getting around to reporting on the long-ago Hindenburg disaster.

Our years of reporting on the Zeppelin problem have finally alerted those less gifted reporters to what's happening in Alameda. At this rate, though, they will never catch up to the most recent Zeppelin incidents. After all, the Hindenburg did its damage seventy-three years ago (which, by the way, means that the fireball hit in 1937, not 1936 as those sloppy editors seem to think), and Alameda has almost completely recovered by now. It's sad how out-of-touch with reality those self-described "journalists" are, but it just goes to show that no-one else in this town can come anywhere close to the Alameda Daily Noose and me when it comes to getting the scoop.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: A Big "Excuse Me" for One of Mother Nature's Little Hiccups

If you're like me, you've still been a little worried this past week about the big oil spill that's still gushing in the Gulf of Mexico. I mean, yes, it was reassuring to remember that these days, offshore drilling is "safe enough," which must mean that the spill isn't really much of a problem, but a little part of me was still wondering why it isn't a problem.

Then, as I was driving around town in my hybrid SUV, the answer came to me out of the ether, floating on radio waves. You see, what we've all been forgetting is that crude oil is natural. It’s as natural as the ocean water is, so all of the wildlife in and around the ocean should be just fine. Oil comes from the earth, and the earth is good, so the oil must be good too. It's as if Mother Earth just had a little hiccup that just happened to be caused by a man-made oil rig exploding. All of the fish and waterfowl in the Gulf are no more in danger than if they were animals on the side of a mountain peak with perfectly natural molten lava (also a product of Mother Earth) running down its sides in all directions. And if the oil spill is no more damaging than volcanic ash and lava would be, I can't imagine that there will be any bad economic consequences for fishermen or anyone else.

Hooray! At last we can stop worrying about the spill completely, and get back to saving the planet by buying biodegradeable forks from China, and using them to help us get rid of as many of those shamefully polluting cows as we can. In fact, I think I'll hop in the SUV right now, and go buy some steaks. Better yet, maybe I should load up the family and we can get those steaks cooked for us at our favorite steakhouse, where the T-bones come from Texas, and are almost as big as Texas! Come to think of it, enjoying some of those steaks would be a great way for people in Texas to pass the time while their beaches naturally de-oil themselves.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Everything Old Is Noose Again…Almost

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were on the brink of a major breakthrough in restoring the classic colors of our interweb noosepaper, but then our technical advisor was called away for his piano lesson, leaving us with less-than-satisfactory results, as you can see. Somehow, instead of the time-honored black lettering on a yellow background, we ended up with very bright lettering on an extremely dark background. Obviously, no-one would choose such a strange color scheme on purpose, and we assure our readers that we will get the problem fixed just as soon as we can get that grand nephew to hop on his skateboard and scoot back over here to finish the job.

Of course, none of this would have been necessary if it hadn't been for a certain Silicon Valley technologist and entrepreneur who had the nerve to mess with success, and not clean up after himself. The Alameda Daily Noose and I can't stand people who don't clean up their messes.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Marlene Verloren Longs For the Way Things Were


Now that you are Chief Editor again, when are you going to change the colors of the Alameda Daily Noose from that hideous blue back to soothing yellow and black? I long for the way things were.

Marlene Verloren

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have been waiting for some technical assistance in the matter of getting our old colors back. A certain silicon valley entreprenuer claims to be too busy to help with that, so we are going to have to find a time when a certain ten-year-old grand-nephew is caught up on his homework enough to take a look at the problem.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Crazy, Evil Renters Persecute Helpless Measure E Opponents


An ancient horror has returned to Alameda. Not since our fair island was a colony of England has there been such an outpouring of Puritanical persecution against people who own homes. It is the crazy, stupid, evil-genius, communist renters who are behind this modern witch hunt. They have as good as admitted that they would milk us dry and walk away smiling. They will not be forced to pay higher taxes if the Measure E school tax passes. No doubt, their noble landlords will shoulder the senseless burden alone, not asking so much as an extra penny in rent as compensation.

Those who dare speak against the Measure E parcel tax are being cruelly tormented by those lucky renters, who have been so harsh as to publicly disagree with us! That is exactly what happened to Anne Hutchinson, who can be seen in the attached illustration bravely bearing the Alameda Unified School District's sharp entreaties to her to help them educate children. Note their exaggerated gestures of shock as Anne declares that her daily Frappuccino is more important than the principle of guaranteed education, and that being forced to make her own coffee to save money would be a living death for her. I feel such a kinship with her, as I bought my home after careful calculations of how large a mortgage I could assume while still having just enough money for Frappuccinos.
But now, facing the possible renewal of a tax that I couldn't possibly have anticipated, I feel so helpless. Why, oh, why can we not have a reasoned debate in this town, without people resorting to hyperbole and demonization of their opponents? A curse on all you brainless renters, buying Frappucinos with the money you've cleverly saved by not buying a home! I fear this election may be my last....
Miss Schell