Alameda Daily Noose Generic Election Guide

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are excited about the upcoming election, but we are not nearly as excited about the tedious task of yet again assembling a comprehensive election guide that will tell you, our poor benighted readers, exactly how to vote. That's why we decided to assemble this handy generic guide, which will work equally well for any election.

President

Vote for the ticket whose presidential or vice-presidential candidate is most frequently described as likely to kill and/or eat Squirrels.

US Legislature

Vote for the candidate best able to tap into the power of outrage and name-calling to achieve political ends…that is, unless you are a fruitcake or something.

State Senate/State Assembly

Vote for the noble, brave challenger who runs against the corrupt, incompetent incumbent. If all goes well, the noble, brave challenger will win, and you can look forward to voting his or her corrupt, incompetent butt out of Sacramento in the next election!

Judicial

Vote for the candidate with the least so-called legal experience. A judge is just someone who gives opinions all day, and what makes a judge's opinion any more valuable than that of, say, a Noose man in the classic sense? Never give one of those elitist types your vote.

City

The Alameda Daily Noose and I recently learned that if there are multiple seats open but you only like one candidate, you can increase the power of your vote by voting just for your candidate alone. It is only logical, then, that you can increase the power of your vote even more by not voting for any candidates at all!

School

Education is supposed to be about The Children, not quote-unquote teachers or so-called administrators. That's why you should not vote for anyone older than age 17 for a school-related office.

Special District

What makes these districts think they're so darned special, anyway? Hold your nose and vote for the grumpiest candidate, the one who complains the loudest about things that are new and shiny, and therefore sinister and frightening. If that test fails, vote for the candidate with the biggest, greenest lawn with the most water features.

State Propositions

Vote NO on everything except propositions that:

• Promote puppies, rainbows, and kittens.
• Tie the hands of those know-it-all elitist judges.
• Stick it to the bums in Sacramento.

Local Measures

Vote NO on anything that:

• Raises taxes.
• Sounds harmless (it's a trick).
• Sounds suspicious (it is).
• Secretly reroutes all Alameda bus lines onto Grand St.
• Claims it will not raise taxes (only a measure that secretly raises your taxes would claim not to raise your taxes).

Vote yes on everything else.