Friday, November 28, 2008

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Turn What's Left of Your Thanksgiving Feast Green!

I love Thanksgiving, because it's one of our greenest holidays. There are always plenty of leftovers to recycle, and we all know how good recycling is for the environment! In my family, we make sure to go that extra mile by starting out with food that reduces harm to the planet. That's why the centerpiece of our annual feast is not the traditional but environmentally unfriendly turkey, but rather the biggest ol' hunk o' corn-fed beef that we can manage to choke down. You see, cows give off large quantities of methane gas, which contributes significantly to global warming, so it's important to reduce the number of cows on the planet. Since they reproduce so rapidly, it's important to eat them quickly so that we don't find ourselves up to our necks in cows, choking to death on methane.

Once Thanksgiving is over, many people are tempted to save their leftovers for sandwiches, but that is a huge mistake. The green thing to do is recycle your leftovers, because the more stuff you recycle, the better it is for the planet! In fact, we make sure to cook at least three or four times more food than we can eat, just to increase the amount we have to recycle.

Of course, you can recycle any uneaten beef and other foods in your green bin, but that's just for starters. Biodiesel is all the rage these days, so why not improve your gas mileage by adding some leftover gravy to your car's tank? Then, take that old macaroni salad and help the kids design their own crafts projects with it. When the mayonnaise dressing gets tacky enough, it will act as a glue to keep the macaroni pieces on the paper or stuck to each other. Also, you can quickly make an attractive set of coasters by shellacking slices of cooked yam, and you'll be that much better prepared for next year's entertaining.

These are just a few ideas to get you started. I'd love to hear your inspirations for creative Thanksgiving recycling, too. Tips on what to do with a spare side of beef would be especially helpful. If you send some, I'll be giving my thanks to you!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Alameda Daily Noose Special Encore Presentation

The Alameda Daily Noose and I can never get enough of Former City Council Candidate's wit and wisdom, and we're sure that our readers feel the same. So here, for your holiday enjoyment, is a Special Encore Presentation of her letter from last year about Thanksgiving and the meaning of grump:

Editor,

I know you count on me to supply you with high-quality complaining on a fairly frequent basis, but even the best of us have to take a vacation in honor of Thanksgiving. For one day a year, we must all set aside our vigilant grumping and count our blessings instead, so I am going to devote this letter to all of the things that I have to be thankful for.

This Thanksgiving, I am glad, as usual, that I have a wonderful family to help carry on the complaining traditions. I'm also thankful for my beautiful house and my health, which, if you pay any attention to those "doctors" going on about "cancer risks," you'd think I wouldn't still be walking around which, by the way, I plan to do for another half a century or so, thank you very much. So I think that's three things that I have to be thankful for.

Of course, as long as I'm writing, I should mention one small thing that has been on my mind, which is the lack of parking at my favorite movie theater. Don't people have enough other things to do that they have to be going to the movies all the time? The few times a year that I decide there's something that might be worth paying those outrageous ticket prices for, everybody else goes on that very same day, and it's just impossible! There are too many people around in general, and not enough entertainment, because I'm certainly not going to go and sit through some "opera" for fun, which I don't know why anyone would ever do that, unless maybe it's the kind of people who think it's okay to plant trees everywhere until our entire town is overrun with Squirrels, and that we should all get our kicks from watching Squirrels destroy our lawns with their so-called "acorns," until the whole town is just like that big Central Park in the middle of Brooklyn! That's not what we want in Alameda.

Thank you.

Former City Council Candidate

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Scoop! of Campus Chaos: Squirrels Continue to Terrorize Hallowed Halls of Academia

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were thrilled that Right-Thinking Alamedan Herb Albert has once again taken time out from his busy touring schedule with his Tijuana Brass Band to send us the following "Gee mail" dispatch from the Collegiate Front of the Global War on Squirrels:

From: marc albert
Sent: Tuesday, November 25, 2008 10:20 AM
To: Roger Grumbel
Subject: UC Eggheads join Global War on Squirrels

UC Davis under the Iron Heel of relentless organized squirrel attacks...Squirrels have attacked campus food supplies, and staged damaging suicide attacks against command and control centers by sabotaging electrical power systems. Wake UP America!

http://www.news.ucdavis.edu/search/news_detail.lasso?id=8845

excerpt:

"In seven years, we went from having no eastern fox squirrels on the campus to having more than 400, and there is currently no sign that their reproduction is slowing down," Krause said this week.

"This is an introduced species that has demonstrated elsewhere that it is prolific, adaptable, invasive and problematic for many reasons."

Krause, who earned a bachelor of science degree in natural resources at Cornell University (another campus well-populated with tree squirrels), said the squirrels' impacts could include:

* Injuries to people: More and more eastern fox squirrels are approaching students on the Quad and at Lake Spafford. No one here has been hurt yet. But in other communities, squirrels have become aggressive food-snatchers, especially from children, and people have been scratched and bitten.

* Competition with native plants and animals: Eastern fox squirrels eat the same foods, such as oak acorns, as native gray squirrels and native birds. Fox squirrels also eat bird eggs and baby birds.

* Damage to teaching plant collections: For example, fox squirrels have begun chewing the bark of redwood trees in the UC Davis Arboretum. Bark damage can weaken and even kill a tree.

* Damage to campus facilities: Fox squirrels have entered campus buildings. Like rats, they have an affinity for chewing on electric wires. On other university campuses, they have crashed the power supply.


The Alameda Daily Noose and I can only hope that the College of Alameda will take this lesson to heart, and start treating the Sciurine Threat seriously. Certainly, it makes little difference whether the various Squirrel factions such as "fox" and "gray" compete with each other for the same resources, and they are all welcome to damage each other's strategic tree outposts as much as they please, but the other trends mentioned in this dispatch are alarming.

Note that the Squirrels seem to concentrate their destructive effort on the young of whatever species they target, for example, snatching food "especially from children." The Alameda Daily Noose and I fear that it may not end there. We were particularly disturbed by the reference to Squirrels having developed a taste for eggs, and even baby birds. Today, it may be baby birds, but before we know it, it could be baby humans!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Oppose the Mayor at Every Turn


I'm tired of this town going in the wrong direction because our do-nothing mayor is busy steering it that way. The solution is simple: we need to do the exact opposite of everything that she does, or wants us to do.


Starting immediately, when the mayor drives to work in the morning, we all need to simultaneously drive home. If she cuts the ribbon on a new business, it will be every citizen's duty to boycott that business. Any proclamations she makes in favor of rainbows and puppies should be soundly denounced as a conspiracy hatched by Big Prism and Big Bow-Wow. And if Arnold Schwarzenegger tries to raise out taxes or cut any of our services, we'll know that it's all the mayor's fault!


Do you realize that her favorite color is blue, which is the same color as police uniforms? It should be clear that Right-Thinking Alamedans must oppose the mayor at every turn, in order to preserve our exceptionally high quality of life.


Mary Englund

Monday, November 24, 2008

What Are Our Children Watching?

Dear Roger,

I try to monitor my children's Interweb usage, since there is so much obscene material out there for all to see. In my day, anyone who wanted to look at dirty pictures had to dig through their father's underwear drawer to find a dog-eared copy of Playboy; today, smut is just a click away!

Well, I grew suspicious when my teenage son Frankie abruptly closed one of those "window" doohickeys on the computer screen when I walked into the room. Luckily, I have learned a thing or two about the Interwebs from my years of participation in Barry Manilow fan forums, so I was able to look up the computer's "cookies" to find the "browser history." I gasped in horror when I saw what he had been watching:



From the mesmerizing movements of the Squirrels to the sound of Michael Jackson, an artist obviously chosen for his appeal to children, this is nothing less than propaganda, aiming to hypnotize America's youth into supporting the Squirrel takeover of our nation!

The final proof arrives in the video's last seconds, when we are assured that "no Squirrels were harmed in the making of this film."

Squirrels may not have been harmed; I wish I could say the same for the minds of our children!

I have warned Frankie that from now on, the only Squirrel-related videos he is allowed to watch are those starring Heidi Wilson.

Imelda Jackson-Perge

Friday, November 21, 2008

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Removing Even More Dangerous Toxic Chemicals From Your Home


If you're like me, you've been watching the mercury in your thermometer creep down as the days grow shorter. But have you ever worried about what happens if too much mercury gets crammed into that little bulb at the bottom? The results could be explosive!

Mercury is a toxic metal that can be absorbed through the skin or even inhaled as vapor. In large amounts, inhaled mercury vapor can result in fatal pneumonia. You may have noticed that some thermometers have mercury that is tinted red, presumably to warn of its danger, but is that danger warning really enough? Why take the risk that some unwitting stranger might accidentally knock your outdoor thermometer down onto the patio, and inhale fatal quantities of mercury vapor while remorsefully surveying the mess?

It's best to remove all thermometers of any kind from your home, inside and out, and be sure to dispose of them properly by carrying them gingerly to the nearest hazardous waste disposal site. You will find that it's not difficult to live without thermometers. If you need to know what the weather is like, simply step outside, being sure to leave plenty of skin exposed. It's amazing how quickly you can tell whether it is hot or cold out there.

So go thermometer free today. We'll all breathe easier knowing that any pneumonia we contract will be 100% natural.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Removal of Hazardous Tree Would Cause Nightmarish Disruption


My Noble, Truth-Dealing Editor,

The City sent out notice that they are going to remove that crazy old tree on my street that's leaning like it's about to fall over. Well, that's just great. In the process, they'll probably mess up the sidewalk, or break the water main, and then the street will be flooded with water and cement trucks and there'll be no place to park.

And then, they'll probably plant a new tree in place of the hazardous old one. Everyone knows that new trees are no good, because they aren't big enough. And once they do get bigger, the City insists on wasting our tax money trimming them and removing "unhealthy" ones like the one that I'm just sure is going to fall and crush my car every time I'm unfortunate enough to have to park next to it. So what if the tree is unhealthy? I'm not the healthiest individual in the world either, but nobody's going to remove me.

The cost of tree removal is about 2% of the relevant part of the City budget portion that includes work of that nature, which means that at the current rate of arboreal projects, our taxes are going to pay for 73% more of this nonsense by 2013, if we're all still around by then. The City never should have planted that tree, and it's outrageous that they are now about to cause all kinds of nightmarish disruption by removing it. For anyone who is not thrown off by all of my highly technical explanations, it should be perfectly obvious what needs to be done.

Milhous K. "Grr" Sanka

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Shady Banking Practices in Alameda


Editor,

What?! Not worry about Squirrels? Roy Avery must be light-headed from all of that bagpiping. As anyone who is getting enough oxygen can see from the clipping I enclosed with this letter, now is the time to be more worried than ever about the Squirrel threat.

Its clear from the ad that those cheeky little devils have somehow wriggled their way into a major bank, and are dictating policies there. This highly suspect financial institution admits to having branches in Walnut Creek and Oakmont, which tells you something. The Squirrel-coddling bankers promise "Absolute Security," but for whom? Or, should I say, for what scampering little trouble-makers who want to take our hard-earned money and bury it in crazy places where even they may have trouble finding it? Oh, yes, I'm sure the Squirrels will have no fear of retribution from their monetary cohorts when they try to pay us that 4.5% interest in the form of acorns!

What kind of "newspaper" would agree to run an ad that so blatantly promotes shady banking practices? And are these bankers nuts?

Frieda Bellows

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Nightmare of Compulsory Bagpipe Instruction to Begin When Secret Scotsman Obama Takes Office


Editor,

Now, I'm no fan of heightened Squirrel activity myself, having had some problems with them in the past that I'd rather not mention here, but I think you are placing too much emphasis on whatever gains they may have made in the recent election. It's much more important to celebrate the great gains that Alameda is sure to enjoy as soon as Barack Obama begins working on government programs to promote tartan infrastructure and bagpipe instruction.

I look forward to our new president steam-rolling right over those hysterical obstructionists who complain that bagpipes are too "loud" and should be strictly limited or even eliminated, and who say similar things about kilts and other fine tartan resources. Soon, bagpipe lessons will be not only available but compulsory for all primary school children large enough to heft the instrument. Ah, what a glorious day it will be when our Fourth of July parade is filled with little pipe and drum corps from all the schools!

And there will be no more "plaid washing" of new developments or redevelopment zones, either. From now on, it will be genuine, sustainable Tartan-Oriented Development all the way.

I'm proud to say that some of my bagpipe-playing friends and I were not only vocal but instrumental in the election of our new leader. We stood the requisite 100 feet from various polling places rendering My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean while Danny MacSteele sang her own lyrics to it, with a rousing chorus of "Bring Barack, bring Barack, oh bring Barack Obama to me." I believe the lass is heartened by Obama's keen interest in reading history and literature. She certainly belted out the tune with gusto, so I'm sure our efforts carried well beyond the 100 foot mark. We noticed that it seemed to encourage people on their way to the polls, as nearly all of them accelerated their pace as they passed us.

It's a time for all to be glad now, so let's not tarnish that mood with minor worries about Squirrels.

Roy Avery

Editor's Comments:

In reporting on the election, the Alameda Daily Noose and I connected the dots to form a "Triangle of Absolute Proof that Obama is a Secret Scotsman." Unfortunately, the Alameda Daily Noose, I, and other opponents of this absurd candidate were ignored and The Children™ now stand in peril of having Bagpipe instruction rammed down their young, innocent throats. This sickening development makes the Alameda Daily Noose and me even prouder that we did not sully our good names by voting in this sham of a so-called election.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Reader Suggests Sensible Rerouting of Zeppelin Traffic

Editor,

I hate to say "I told you so," but…who am I kidding? I love to say "I told you so"! A year ago last Friday I alerted you and your readers of the impending Zeppelin parking disaster, and then again two and a half weeks ago I warned that Alameda's Zeppelin traffic problem was only going to get worse. Well, this weekend I was finally vindicated. This Saturday at about one o'clock I saw a Zeppelin proceeding east along Encinal Ave., barely missing a westbound AC Transit bus:


Then, just two hours later, I saw another eastbound Zeppelin moving along Santa Clara Ave., directly over the already congested intersection with Park St.:


Now, some said my gas-bag warnings were over inflated, but now the skeptics have their proof: two Zeppelins in the space of two hours. I told you so!

This is even worse than I anticipated. We haven't seen two Zeppelins pass by in such rapid succession since the infamous test of the Zeppelin mooring masts atop Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, as documented in your explosive exposé just one year ago.

Fortunately for the Right-Thinking citizens of Alameda, I have a plan for dealing with this lighter-than-air menace to our down-to-earth way of life: The street classification of Central Ave. between Fernside Blvd. and High St. should be changed to "Zeppelin collector." Streets like Encinal Ave. and Santa Clara Ave. already carry more than their share of big public transit vehicles, and now those morons at City Hall want to add Zeppelins into the mix? That's crazy. Now, if all that Zeppelin traffic could be collected on one segment of Central Ave., where neither I nor any of my friends and family live, all of our problems would be solved.

Lon Geddoff

Friday, November 14, 2008

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Reducing Cold Starts

Quick! What was the last thing you did before reading this column? Was it turning on your computer? If so, your computer use habits may need a green makeover.

Did you know that cold-starting your computer dumps as much carbon dioxide and particulate matter into your home as running it for several hours does? An easy alternative is to leave the computer on at all times, in much the way that many of us leave our cars idling when we run into the dentist's office for a filling.

If you follow this advice, you're sure to notice a difference in your electricity bill! And once you experience the convenience of instant computer access, you may never shut it off again.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Advertisers Clamor for Space in the Noose


The Alameda Daily Noose and I recently received yet another confirmation of the wild popularity of our soon-to-be-award-winning journalistic efforts:

Who is the contact for discussing advertising on your blog Alameda Daily Noose? We have received 25 requests this week for advertising on Alameda Daily Noose, and the page has been viewed 71 times.

Our website, wikimetro.org, is the largest online BlogAd marketplace with more than 50,000 blogs in more than 2,300 US cities and towns.

If you are agreeable to scheduling a time to talk on the phone about this, please tell me a good time by contacting me. I'll cc my assistant to set up a time to talk, if there's interest.

Alex Rawlings

Oakland BlogAd Account
Motto: "Everything Local"
Tel. +1(202) 470-0961

We can understand why advertisers would want to ride on the coattails of our success, but the Alameda Daily Noose and I are opposed to billboards of any kind, especially ones that could block a reader's view of our Noose items. We can't see what advantage there would be for us if we were to allow advertisers the honor of being associated with our hard-hitting investigative journalism. Furthermore, it sounds as if all of the ads would promote Boring, Lame, On-line Gossip Shops (B.L.O.G.S.), and we wouldn't want to encourage that bunch of charlatans.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

"Plans" to Make "Changes" Unrealistic

Editor,

My neighbor wants to remodel his house, but there is no physical evidence to suggest that he will succeed. The remodeling project does not exist yet. He's just been showing people all of the fancy blueprints he's made up, which are nothing more than a bunch of lines on paper. There's nothing real in these fantastical "plans" for a "one-room addition" with "no impact on street view." What guarantee do we have that the elements of these plans will turn out the way they are supposed to? I doubt that the project will even be able to get the funding it needs in this bad economy, and there should be an independent audit of my neighbor's finances to determine his ability to undertake such a project.

This neighbor has been wasting all kinds of time getting permits and hiring contractors. Meanwhile, I've come up with a better plan for his house. It's a bold approach, but not without precedent. In essence, the best thing he could do with his property would be to leave it exactly as it currently is, so that future generations could enjoy it. This approach works very well for me with my home, and it will work for my neighbor just as indisputably as the moon is made of green cheese, which, as everyone knows, it is. (Samples of that verdant caseous lunar substance were brought back from the first moon landing, although the rigors of re-entry into earth's atmosphere rendered them hard as rocks.)

Speaking of coming back down to earth, I have produced a full-color flier—entitled "The Time Has Come For A New Vision for My Neighbor's House ~ Citizens for Doing Nothing ~"—detailing the advantages of my alternative plan, and I am distributing it to everyone who might have an interest in preserving neighbors' houses, in situ, precisely as they were planned and executed by the mid-20th century masters of ranch-style dwellings who practiced their art so prolifically along Grand Street and Gibbons Drive.

The advantages of my plan should be clear to all who read it. If my neighbor fails to recognize the pointlessness of making "plans" that will "change" his house in any way, I will call upon Right-Thinking Alamedans to join me in picketing his home until he sees the light.

Walt Piro

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Sympathy for the Squirrel

video

Dear Editor:

I am dismayed that the Alameda Daily Noose is accusing squirrels of somehow tampering with last Tuesday's election results. As a long-time squirrel-watcher, I can assure you that if there was any unusual squirrel activity last week, I saw no sign of it. I believe Alameda's squirrel population had all the work it could handle just trying to stay warm and dry last week. Regrettable incidents with certain people's prize sunflowers aside, I believe that staying warm and dry are a squirrel's main concerns at this time of year, with charming skitterings among fallen leaves being a close second in frequency, according to my observations. Just take a look at those innocent, forlorn eyes in the video that one of my fellow squirrel-watchers took last week and tell me if that is the gaze of one who would try to interfere with our democratic process. Squirrels gained nothing from this election, although they could probably use some help from us.

Sincerely yours,
Elaine Hollandaise

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are not the least bit moved by these images of a poor, cold, bedraggled Squirrel using its little tail as an umbrella. No, we did not feel a sympathetic shiver as we watched the raindrops pelting it relentlessly, and if even we did, it must have been due to camera tricks and deceptive editing. There is no way that this clearly amateur video will dupe Right-Thinking Alamedans into feeling sympathy for the Squirrels. Now, you'll have to excuse us, because the Alameda Daily Noose and I seem to have gotten something irritating in our eyes.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Alameda Daily Noose and I Experience Unexpected Mail Enhancement

The Alameda Daily Noose and I received this alarming message recently:

DEAR WEBMAIL ACCOUNT OWNER
THIS MESSAGE IS FROM WEBMAIL ADMIN MESSAGINGCENTER . WE ARE UPGRADING OUR EMAIL ACCOUNT CENTER AND CENCELLING UNUSED ACCOUNTS TO CREATE SPACE.TO STOP YOUR ACCOUNT FROM CLOSING,UPDATE IT BELOW
CONFIRM YOUR EMAIL IDENTITY BELOW,
EMAIL USERNAME...............
EMAIL PASSWORD...............
DATE OF BIRTH................
WARNING!!!IF YOU REFUSE TO UPDATE YOUR ACCOUNTYOU WILL LOOSE IT PERMANENTLY.

THANK YOU FOR USING THIS WEB MAIL
SUPPORT TEAM

We quickly sent in the requested information, and it seems to have done the trick, because we are getting as much "gee-mail" as ever. Unfortunately, the update of our account must have led to some confusion of a different sort. Not only do we get our own mail, but we seem to be getting someone else's messages returned to us. We are pretty sure we did not send anyone the type of "gee-mail" that has been showing up in this way.

It must be that we did not act quickly enough, and so allowed our account to become "loose," as the bulletin warned. Since the change is permanent, we will just have to resign ourselves to having other people's messages sneaking into our loose account. We can't help it if we accidentally read some of them.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Insulating Your Home with Style

Chilly winds are blowing, but before you crank up those space heaters, are you sure your home is well insulated? So-called experts will try to tell you that most traditionally designed wood frame buildings lose more heat through the roof and in insulated walls than through the windows, but that's ridiculous. Have you ever noticed a draft coming from the roof or a wall? It's obvious that those nasty old windows are the real culprits.

One approach to stopping drafts from your old double-hung windows is to have them all replaced with new double-glazed window units, but that can be expensive. You can block cold air much more cheaply, and completely, by simply nailing sheets of plywood over every window. For a more substantial look and even more energy savings, try bricking up the windows instead. Brick-laying can be fun for the whole family, so why not start now with a weekend project?

Once your window retrofit is complete, you may notice that some of the rooms seem a bit darker than before, but don't despair: you'll want to follow our earlier "green living" tip and stock up on as many incandescent bulbs as you can afford. You'll soon have your place blazing with light again!

You will also discover that you're no longer able to open windows for ventilation in the summer, so you'll want to install the largest air-conditioning unit you can find. Once you have that baby cranked up to full blast, those summer breezes you remember will seem laughably hot and humid by comparison.

Once you have overcome the issues of light and ventilation through modern green technology, you will begin to enjoy many of the side benefits of living window free. Never again will your eyes be assaulted by the first rays of the rising sun. Never again will you be distracted by birds hopping around in trees or children playing in a neighbor's yard.

You'll also find that your home's stunning new look will attract a lot of attention. The creativity of many people—especially teenagers—is stimulated by the presence of beautiful blank surfaces, and they may grace them with displays of artistic expression involving fat markers and spray paint. These spontaneous art projects will give your home an ever-changing appeal that will undoubtedly increase not only your property values, but those of the whole neighborhood!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Right-Thinking Alamedans Come Within a Whisker's Width of Disenfranchisement

Just as the Alameda Daily Noose and I predicted, there was something Squirrely afoot during Tuesday's election. Reports of irregularities are just starting to come in, and we are sure that more will follow. Here are some highlights from reports we have received so far:

Dave Williamson: "On Tuesday, I had trouble opening a jar of pickles, which delayed my lunch, seriously diminishing the window of time that I had allowed for going to my polling place and watching for sciurine activity. I don't usually have trouble opening a jar of pickles unless it is brand new. It's almost as if someone or something screwed the lid on extra tight, knowing that it would slow me down at that critical point in my day."

Frieda Bellows: "The door to the voting place was really hard to open. I was pushing as hard as I could, and it wouldn't budge. Then someone pointed out that there was a teeny, tiny sign by the door handle that said 'PULL.' The letters on the sign couldn't have been more than two inches high, so how was I supposed to read it? Besides, anyone who expects me to read a sign needs to put it right in front of my face. That the sign was so far below the level of my face makes me think that it must have been deliberately moved sometime before election day, probably by Squirrels."

Lon Geddoff: "It was nearly impossible to park in front of that school where I had to go and vote. There was nothing but parallel parking, and there were all of these other cars in the way when I went to park. I circled the block a few times to see if a better space would open up, but that just made me angrier, because when I turned that first corner, I could see people down the street parking in front of my house and walking to the polls. Don't they know that it isn't safe to walk in neighborhoods where I'm trying to drive my car? I finally got so fed up with trying to parallel park in front of the school that I just double-parked with my blinkers on. It was an emergency, after all. I just know that those Squirrels had something to do with making all of the parking parallel. They tried to thwart me, but I was too smart for 'em."

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Sham! Fraud! Squirrels Steal Election!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are deeply saddened to report that our wildest paranoid fantasies have come to pass. No, we're not talking about Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn," which is safe…for now. We're talking about the unprecedented victory of Secret Scotsman Barack Obama and his dangerously inexperienced running mate Joe the Biden, who has never once been described as likely to kill, much less eat, a Squirrel.

The only possible explanation for Mr. Obama's landslide victory is the widespread Squirrel-related voting irregularities that the Alameda Daily Noose and I warned of just yesterday. So great was the level of deception that these irregularities have thus far escaped the notice of even the most eagle-eyed of Right-Thinking Alamedans, though we expect reports to begin trickling in as people think back on what they might have seen and begin to connect the dots.

Unfortunately, we may never truly get to the bottom of this dastardly caper, since the Squirrels and their allies succeeded in passing Measure Q, which eliminates Alameda's Police Secret Fund by repealing Sec. 17-11 of the City Charter. This fund would have paid for "investigation and police work of a secret character," such as determining the extent of Sciurine attempts to steal an election. How foolish of those dullards on our City Council to hand the keys to Our Fair City directly to the Squirrels by putting Measure Q on the ballot in the first place!

Of course, Barack "Angus" Obama's victory completely validates the Alameda Daily Noose's and my decision not to bother voting in this fraudulent sham of an election. Imagine how silly we would have felt if we had spent our precious time casting our ballots, only to have the election stolen by Squirrels! We certainly showed them we're nobody's fools.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Right-Thinking Alamedans Sure to Report Widespread Acorn Activity and Other Squirreliness at the Polls Today

The Alamdeda Daily Noose and I have it on good authority that the Squirrels and their Fellow Travelers are organizing in an attempt to destroy Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" by influencing the outcome of today's election. Our hard-hitting investigative journalistic techniques have revealed that they intend to achieve their dastardly objectives primarily by making their way toward polling places and voting, rather than merely cowering under a tree and munching nuts on election day.

Given the damning evidence of voter fraud that the Alameda Daily Noose and I have uncovered deep within our imaginations, it is the duty of all of you Right-Thinking Alamedans to keep an eye out for any and all Squirrely activity at the polls today and report the many irregularities that you will undoubtedly observe to a qualified conspiracy theory expert like the Alameda Daily Noose, or me. If you think you saw something but you weren't quite sure, we suggest selecting an item from the following list and repeating it to yourself until you are confident that you did, in fact, see it:


  • An acorn rolling out of the voting booth over in the corner.

  • A strange rustling sound, punctuated by distinctive chit-chit-chittering, emanating from the ballot box.

  • A ballot-marking pen that had obviously been worked over by someone with massive incisors which grow continuously and must be kept worn down by gnawing.

  • Voter information pamphlets shredded and stuffed into natural cavities within trees, often in areas of the kind of moderate to dense vegetation that offers cover and concealment.

  • A bushy tail sticking out from under the coat of that hirsute gentleman in front of you in line.

As soon as you see these things, drop everything—including your yet-to-be-cast ballot, if necessary—rush straight home, fire up your computer, and send a "gee-mail" to rogergrumbel@gmail.com. Whatever you do, don't let an unimportant thing like voting get in the way of stopping the Squirrels from stealing the election!

Monday, November 3, 2008

Alameda Daily Noose Generic Election Guide

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are excited about the upcoming election, but we are not nearly as excited about the tedious task of yet again assembling a comprehensive election guide that will tell you, our poor benighted readers, exactly how to vote. That's why we decided to assemble this handy generic guide, which will work equally well for any election.

President

Vote for the ticket whose presidential or vice-presidential candidate is most frequently described as likely to kill and/or eat Squirrels.

US Legislature

Vote for the candidate best able to tap into the power of outrage and name-calling to achieve political ends…that is, unless you are a fruitcake or something.

State Senate/State Assembly

Vote for the noble, brave challenger who runs against the corrupt, incompetent incumbent. If all goes well, the noble, brave challenger will win, and you can look forward to voting his or her corrupt, incompetent butt out of Sacramento in the next election!

Judicial

Vote for the candidate with the least so-called legal experience. A judge is just someone who gives opinions all day, and what makes a judge's opinion any more valuable than that of, say, a Noose man in the classic sense? Never give one of those elitist types your vote.

City

The Alameda Daily Noose and I recently learned that if there are multiple seats open but you only like one candidate, you can increase the power of your vote by voting just for your candidate alone. It is only logical, then, that you can increase the power of your vote even more by not voting for any candidates at all!

School

Education is supposed to be about The Children, not quote-unquote teachers or so-called administrators. That's why you should not vote for anyone older than age 17 for a school-related office.

Special District

What makes these districts think they're so darned special, anyway? Hold your nose and vote for the grumpiest candidate, the one who complains the loudest about things that are new and shiny, and therefore sinister and frightening. If that test fails, vote for the candidate with the biggest, greenest lawn with the most water features.

State Propositions

Vote NO on everything except propositions that:


  • Promote puppies, rainbows, and kittens.
  • Tie the hands of those know-it-all elitist judges.
  • Stick it to the bums in Sacramento.

Local Measures

Vote NO on anything that:


  • Raises taxes.
  • Sounds harmless (it's a trick).
  • Sounds suspicious (it is).
  • Secretly reroutes all Alameda bus lines onto Grand St.
  • Claims it will not raise taxes (only a measure that secretly raises your taxes would claim not to raise your taxes).

Vote yes on everything else.