Thursday, July 31, 2008

ACLO Musical Play About West End Was Completely Inaccurate

Dear Roger,

I think the Alameda Civic Light Opera needs to choose better shows to put on. Last weekend, I went to see their musical play about Alameda's West End, and it was completely inaccurate. As someone who lives on the West End, I can tell you that although the neighborhood is certainly full of cheeky young Encinal Jets, there is no school with sharks for a mascot at all. You'd think that anyone writing a play about Alameda would know that. Whoever put that West Side Story together needs to learn more about our town.

And now I hear that the ACLO is trying to do some production about Greece. Well, if their ancient history isn't any better than their knowledge of Alameda culture, that won't be much good either. ACLO should stick to things that are entertaining, and not try to go all highbrow with history and current events. I don't want to have to think and get annoyed when I go to a show, I just want some singing and maybe a polka or two.

Yours truly,
Lynn Irving

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Jimmy Ward: "The Li'l Jets Review: That Stupid Excuse for a School Noosepaper"

Dear Mr. Grumbel,

I hate being stuck in stupid summer school. Why don't they stop making school go longer, and make it better like with longer recess and better lunch food? During the reguler school year I was always asking the student counsil why there isn't more pizza for lunch and they never even answered my question. They shook there head and rolled they're eyes and shrugged thier shoulders and said that the student counsil doesn't control lunches. What kind of answer is that, they are hiding sumthing. Their a bunch of bums that should all be in peached!

The Li'l Jets Review: that stupid excuse for a school noosepaper. A lunch crysis in our school and all the stupid editer of the stupid Li'l Jets Review can do is write a bunch of stupid words in stupid ink on the stupid editoreal page telling the students of our school to tighten there belts and take they're punishmint while the stupid student counsil ignores that thair is no pizza for lunch. Well hardly any only on Wensdays. I bet that stupid paper never won an aword not even a small one, not like your gonna Mister Grumbel, your great.

Its just like that stuck-up Elena whose always the teachers pet. Las year, our teacher Miss Harris let her help with sorting out homework papers just because she was the first one to finish her reeding. That is not fare, and also its not fare how much homework we have to do. Now that Miss Harris has taught Elena how to sort homework papers, Elena's going to start making us do even more homework that everybody but her is going to have to do. Thats because Elena is just mean and Miss Harris is mean also and prolly told Elena how to make up homework questions the same way Miss Harris does. We already have too much homework! Its going to be horrible! All the kids need to know about this and tell there parents how mean Elena is so she can't do mean things to us.


Jimmy Ward

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Big Praise for a Big Thinker with the Courage to Think Short-Term


David Williamson is a great Alamedan. His letter about trees got right to the root of the problem. Who else in our community has the courage to reject long-term plans for "improvements" that won't benefit anyone right now. We need more big thinkers like him! It's that sort of bold, short-term thinking that has made our great country what it is today.

When I look around me at all of the things people spent tax money on long ago, I realize what complete idiots they must have been. What do we need all those bridges across the bay for? No-one who was so gung ho to build them is alive today, especially not the yo-yos who thought the Golden Gate bridge was such a good idea even though it comes nowhere near Alameda. It would have been a lot simpler if they had just floated some logs out across that stretch, if it was so important for them to get from one side to the other.

And then there's the Hoover Dam, our Interstate Highway System, and, on a grander scale, Alameda City Hall. What's the point of any of those things for the people who paid hard-earned tax money to finance them? Take Alameda City Hall, please. Why did those boneheaded citizens back in 1896 bother to build a structure substantial enough to outlive them all? They could have pitched a tent, passed Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus," and called it a day, but no, they had to waste precious taxpayer dollars on frivolously permanent things like stone and brick!

It's only through constant complaining, backed up by the finest facts we can devise, that we can prevent this kind of flagrant misuse of public funds. Thank goodness for the intrepid Mr. Williamson, and thank goodness for the Alameda Daily Noose and you, Mr. Editor!

Sincerely ticked off,
Karl Kurzfristig

Monday, July 28, 2008

How Many Alamedans Will Be Alive After 40 Years to "Benefit" From Newly Planted Trees?


For far too long, Alamedans have failed to ask the tough questions about trees. I am the only person who is independent-thinking enough to ask why the City is spending our tax money to plant spindly little trees that will take decades to reach their full height, if they survive that long. How many people who are paying taxes now will be around to "enjoy" these full-grown trees forty years from now?

Even if a tree planted today escaped such pitfalls as Squirrel gnawing and runaway skateboard damage, and reached its full height, how do we know that there would be any actual advantages to having it in our town? Some claim that trees prevent run-off, but I tried pouring some water over a tree in my neighborhood and it was abundantly clear that all of it was running right off the branches and straight down the trunk. Then there's some nonsense about trees providing shade for parked cars along the streets. Well if it's so important to have shade for parked cars, why isn't the City bringing in fully grown trees so that we can have that shade without waiting for it? With today's technology, it can't be difficult or expensive to uproot a twenty-foot oak tree, truck it into town, and excavate a space for it on some shade-deprived street.

But it's blatantly obvious to anyone who is paying even the slightest amount of attention that everything is always a zero-sum game - where somebody wins, someone else loses. So who loses? Right-Thinking Alamedans. Planting trees shifts the so-called benefits of forestation away from Right-Thinking Alamedans and over to the Squirrels and the politicians who do their bidding TODAY, with a promise of a future benefit (shade for the precious parking spaces in front of one's house) to Right-Thinking Alamedans in the future. 40 years into the future - the typical lifespan of a quote-unquote tree. How many people are aware that Muir Woods is NOT covered by Alameda's Master Tree Plan, and yet Muir Woods was somehow able to grow redwood trees big enough to drive a car through without government subsidies? Were there any studies done to examine if the recently planted trees at Wood Middle School could have been similarly grown without the use of funds from City coffers?

Consider the Master Tree Plan - a scheme more diabolical than any hatched in the twisted brain of the most evil of Squirrels. What's in it for the current residents of Alameda to plant any trees at all? While Big Arborist and the Squirrels will make money and gather nuts, respectively, and the politicians will declare "victory" over "sun" and for creating shade, we Right-Thinking Alamedans will have to wait 40 years to see any supposed protection for the precious parking spaces in front of our houses. How many Right-Thinking Alamedans reading this can imagine that they will be here in Alameda 35-40 years hence to realize the so-called benefits of these trees when they mature?

Dave Williamson

Friday, July 25, 2008

Scoop! of Crisco® Icing: When Squirrels Attack a Sacred Alameda Instituion

Mr. Grumbel,

Are you not the person keeping track of the travesties perpetrated by Squirrels? Have I got something for you! Squirrels attacking one of our most cherished values! That's right - marriage.

Here's a picture of a dastardly Squirrel trying to take by force what it can't (and shouldn't) have by law: a tasty wedding cake.

Marriage is a sacred institution defended as the cornerstone of society, and the law makes it clear: marriage is defined as between between a person and a person, not a person and a Squirrel!

Keep up the good fight!
Mrs. Ada Witherton

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Letter-Writer's Epiphany: The Alameda Daily Noose and I Were Right All Along! Oh, and Some Stuff about Trees

Dear Sir,

I was one of those who thought your defense of Measure Acorn a bit extreme. All that going on about Squirrels and whatnot seemed, well, a bit unseemly. That all changed last weekend as I walked down one of our fine Alamedan boulevards and felt a chill run down my spine. Was it a Squirrel? No - a Tree!

You see, a Tree was wantonly, with no consideration for me, casting its shadow onto the sidewalk, blocking the sun and making me cold. I know - such effrontery! But it actually happened! Now I see why you are so concerned about Squirrels. Squirrels move acorns, acorns grow into Trees, Trees make our world colder, and what do you have? Global Chilling! Their coniferine agenda is clear! Where is Al Gore when you need him?!? Accepting some bark-covered award or other, no doubt, ignoring the needs of the fine people of Alameda!

Never relent, Mr. Grumbel, never relent!

Saunders Van Melderkind

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Germans on the March


Like you, I am an aficionado of the exquisite foreign fare the island's many exotic restaurants have to offer. From Ole's Hardtack & Gruel Shack to Gym's COffee Clutch, I enjoy all attempts to prepare food for me, as long as they don't get too uppity with the spices.

Imagine my shock while walking past the doomed-to-failure Megaplex-That-Everyone-Hates when I saw a new German restaurant opening right beside it: Burger Meister. (I think it means "Master Of The Burger"!) I happily perused their menu. Burger Shyster is more like it! $8 for a chili dog? How can our elected officials let such thievery go on within the city limits?

If it weren't for that other great German place, Der Wienerschnitzel, I would seriously question our fair island's relationship with the Hun. Why, I can get almost 10 chili dogs there for the price of one at Mister Burger! It's also much better than that Spice Camper place near the hippie prune store, and a far smaller chance of bagpipes!

To arms, to arms,
Fletcher Binghampton

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Stay the Course: Privatization Wouldn't Be Prudent at This Juncture


Can you believe all this hooey about the City of Alameda wanting to privatize the golf course? That is the most wrong-headed thing I've heard in a long time. Why, the only problem with the course right now is that there are too many people on it. They're so thick on the greens sometimes that you can hardly drive your golf cart! I mean, folks are getting as angry as Former President Bush and Future President McCain did yesterday, when those darned kids were blocking the path of President Bush's official vehicle, Golf Cart Forty-One.

Another problem is that the parking lot is too small for the size of course we have. The City says it wants to attract more golfers, but that would just make the parking situation worse. Besides, think of the traffic it would generate! And another thing is that more golfers would mean higher maintenance costs, so how would that help the golf course?

The real solution to these problems everyone's talking about is to leave everything exactly the way it is. Or even better, maybe they could make the golf course smaller. Two holes is about enough for anyone to get through in a day, and the extra green space could be turned into additional parking. Better yet, they could just let people drive their cars directly onto the course. That extra engine power could really speed up my game. You'd have so many Alamedans wanting to use the course then that they'd have to build a bypass to the clubhouse so nobody would get stuck in traffic on their way to quenching that post-golfing thirst.

Oh yes, and the clubhouse needs a drive-through window. Other than that, it's perfect just the way it is, so stop trying to mess things up!

Lon Geddoff

Monday, July 21, 2008

Scoop: Virtual Sellout of Jalapeño-Poppyseed Bagels at Alameda's Historic Bagel Emporium

At 11:45 a.m. Saturday morning, there were fewer than 5 jalapeño-poppyseed bagels remaining in Alameda's Historic Bagel Emporium's jalapeño-poppyseed bin. An employee of the Emporium predicted that all of the bagels would be consumed before 1:00 p.m.

Photo below right shows the almost depleted bin minutes before the bagels were no doubt purchased.

Friday, July 18, 2008

City Council Not So Bright


Our mayor and City Council seem to think they're pretty smart, the way they expect us citizens to just accept every "decision" they make. But if they're so smart, why are they wasting our tax money on non-essential things like "road maintenance" and "police service" instead of making sure that we all have optimal, 24/7 access to much-needed recreation?

When I drove to my neighborhood park last night around 10 p.m. to play some Frisbee, there was hardly any light there! After the first throw, I wasn't able to see where my Frisbee landed, and had to go home without it. Is that what we want for our children? Do we want them to be banging their heads on teeter-totters or falling off of jungle gyms because they can't see where they're going at night?

Clearly, turning off lights in the parks is not such a bright idea. Now, some people try to tell me that the City saves money and energy by not leaving all those lights on all night. Well, if they want to save money and energy, why not hold public meetings in the daytime instead of the evening?

Besides, everyone knows that the City is sitting on a big pot of money that should be going toward improving recreational resources, including having a free carnival every year for all Right-Thinking Alamedans. Our elected officials just need to open their eyes and look for that big pot of money. Oh, and it would be a lot easier for them to find it if they'd stop turning the lights off!

Ethyl A. Kine

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Scoop! of Plaid: Is Barack Obama the MacChurian Candidate?

The Alameda Daily Noose and I recently obtained this shocking candid photograph of Senator Barack Obama, presumably relaxing on the back deck of his Chicago home. We already knew that he was Soft on Squirrels, though not to the same extent as his primary opponent, John McCain, but this latest evidence of un-Alamedan leanings makes us even more suspicious of him. Could Obama be, as suggested in the numerous interweb rumors that we are about to spread, a Secret Scotsman?

Now, some of you Bagpipe-huggers out there are probably muttering to yourselves in that thick, unintelligible accent of yours, "Ach, one wee photo of Obama in a kilt proves naught! Perhaps he was merely visiting the home of some Scottish friends and dressed in their native garb out of courtesy and respect." Sadly for Alameda, this damning photo is no isolated incident.

The connection between Obama and kilts dates all the way back to April 25, when a Scottish propaganda rag called, appropriately enough, The Bagpiper endorsed Barack Obama for President. The ugly association resurfaced on June 20, when an Australian newspaper revealed his connection to the "kilt-clad lawyer, Montgomery Blair Sibley."

Viewed alone, each piece of evidence might appear inconclusive; however, if one connects these three dots, one is confronted with a Triangle of Absolute Proof that Obama is a Secret Scotsman who is only pretending to have the best interests of Alameda at heart, but who will seek to overturn our beloved Tartan-Limiting Measure Angus, colloquially known as "Measure Angus," as soon as he takes the oath of office, which will undoubtedly be sworn on a book of Robert Burns' favorite haggis recipes instead of the Bible.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have shown you the havoc that Bagpipes, once unleashed, can wreak on an unsuspecting Alameda. Is Barack Obama some kind of MacChurian Candidate, secretly taking orders from his kilt-clad Scottish handlers? Possibly. And that's a risk we can't afford to take. Write in Mike Huckleberry for President and Heidi Wilson for Vice President!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Concerned Citizen Right, Everyone Else Wrong


I just wanted to express my distaste with just about everyone on the island. I think everyone has something to do with everything that's wrong with everything right now. There's stuff wrong with the city and with the power company and with the businesses and with the schools and with the residents and with the services and with the Squirrel hugging city fathers, planning board and irresponsible blog reporters. Those blogs really make me mad. They are constantly spreading nonsense about everyone doing everything wrong! And I know they're all doing it wrong, but the bloggers have got it all wrong too, as do the people that write comments and the people who write comments back and the editors of the blogs that call them newspapers and the newspapers that think they're blogs and the logs of the blogs don't even archive themselves right. Is anyone in this town awake at the switch? Are there any lights on in anyone's home? Not here in Alameda oh, no, just about everyone has got it all wrong.

Oh, except me. I'm right.

-- Coho Jerkins

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Unwary Fools Outside Alameda Make Squirrels Feel Welcome


I don't like to leave Alameda very often, and that's mainly because there are too many Squirrel huggers outside our Treasured Island. I was reminded of this again when I had to go shopping the other day for things that I can't get here because our City Council refuses to demand a Nordstrom's at Southshore.

You can see the problem in the photo I took. Yes, those are acorns painted all over the furniture outside that snooty Squirrel-loving business which I, for one, will never patronize! We all know that acorns lead to Squirrels, and that Squirrels lead to crime, as the Alameda Daily Noose keeps reminding us. So why would anyone choose that kind of pro-Squirrel imagery?

I can't believe there are business owners who actually think customers would want to look at a bunch of acorns! That's almost as ridiculous as naming your city after a tree, like that one other city that's not Alameda. I sure am glad to live in a place with a name that doesn't have anything to do with trees. Alameda is a nice town, and if we started doing things that made Squirrels feel welcome, they would ruin our quality of life in no time.

Frieda Bellows

Monday, July 14, 2008

We've Been Infiltrated!


Alameda must not ignore the threat gathering against us. Facing clear evidence of peril, we cannot wait for the final proof -- the smoking gun -- that could come in the form of a Squirrel shaped cloud.

"The Hobo
Lets his
Whiskers sprout
It's trains--not girls
That he takes out"

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are very grateful to Mr. Shave for alerting us to the dark, Squirrel-shaped clouds of peril gathering on the horizon. We are grateful that he was able to take time out from his busy career as a hobo to write to our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper. We had never considered the tactical advantages of riding around the country in open boxcars and sleeping under the stars, all the better to keep a watchful eye on the Bushy-Tailed Menace. We ask all Right-Thinking Alamedans to pause this morning over their breakfast cereal for a moment of silence (no Rice Krispies, please!) in honor of Mr. Shave's selfless sacrifice of his own love life in the call of duty.

Friday, July 11, 2008

New Signage to Appear Around Alameda

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have learned that, although throwing balls will no longer be automatically disallowed in City Parks, the City of Alameda is still reserving the right to post signage forbidding the throwing of balls, along with other activities.

Mayor Johnson said in a press conference this morning: "Our original intent in introducing the law that would ban ball-throwing outright was really a beautification effort. We didn't want to clutter up our parks with unsightly signage, so we thought it would be easier just to ban ball-throwing everywhere, to avoid the clutter—not to mention the expense—of signage."

"But the people have spoken", she continued. "If you want signage, then signage you will get. Today the City Council and I have introduced signage that will be placed in all city parks, and also posted every fifty feet along all city streets, indicating exactly what is not allowed. If that's what you want, Alameda, than that is what you get."

Major Johnson, shaking with emotion by this time, left the stage, leaving the rest of the presentation to a clearly bewildered (yet obedient) City Council.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were able to get a picture of their example signage, unveiled at the end of the press conference, which we faithfully reproduce for you here in this soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Do-Nothing Council Busy Fiddling While Alameda Burns


Good thing you called out our City Council on that ball-throwing ordinance they tried to ram down our throats! I have another bone to pick with those bums, too. That is, the horrible weather we're having lately. I'm out here baking in this heat wave, and what is the Council doing about it? Nothing! They're just going on and on about some "budget" that has no affect on me or anyone else that matters.

In fact, the Council is probably to blame for the sky-high temperatures in this town. Maybe it's all that hot air they keep blowing instead of actually doing anything about my problems. It really burns me up the way those do-nothing bureaucrats are constantly at work, meddling in our affairs, instead of just minding their own business. I guess the only way to get some relief is to vote 'em all out of office. If it weren't so darn hot, I'd start a petition against 'em, if only it wasn't so much trouble to write up a petition.

Hot under the collar,
Bernie Freudenfeuer

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Another Scurrilous Interweb Rumor Quashed

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have recently become aware of an ugly rumor circulating on the Interweb. Now, this isn't the good kind of ugly rumors, the ones that cast an unflattering light on our many opponents; no, this is one of those bad ugly rumors, the ones that call our unimpeachable journalistic integrity into question.

Apparently, some chucklehead had the gall to suggest that the oil rig depicted in our award-eligible story in yesterday's edition was not an oil rig at all, but rather "a new water well." Piffle! No, this rises far above mere piffle…poppycock, we say!

First of all, why would anybody bother to drill for water? The last time the Alameda Daily Noose and I checked, a simple turn of the tap is all it takes to produce an endless supply of free water! The last time I tried that at the gas station, however, I soon ran afoul of Alameda's finest; fortunately, the Alameda Daily Noose took the fall for me and served the time without complaint.

Secondly, whoever started this ridiculous rumor missed the most obvious point of all: Why would anyone be drilling for water when it's obvious that the Alameda Daily Noose and I clearly and unambiguously called for oil drilling? Do we stutter? We think not! Well, not much…not anymore, anyway.

The very idea that nobody at a major company would be capable of reading and comprehending clear instructions from a soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper is an unforgiveable insult to those true Alamedan heroes, the brave men and women of the drilling industry. Shame!

So, another scurrilous Interweb rumor bounces harmlessly off our Shield of Truth, quashed beneath the thundering wheels of our Righteous Chariot of Journalistic Integrity.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Scoop! Of Crude Oil Discovered in Alameda

Once again, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have scooped all of the other major news media with the exclusive Alameda Daily Noose photos you see here. As anyone can see from the photo above, the Great Island Nation of Alameda has heeded our call (and Buck Morris') to "Drill Here, Drill Now."

At this point, some of our more benighted readers may be saying to themselves, "How do we know that big rig near Atlantic and Buena Vista isn't just installing a cell phone tower or laying the foundation for a gigantic Safeway store?" Well, for those who like a delicious extra sprinkle of proof on top of their Pudding of Truth, here it is:

That's right, the sign on the truck says it all. They are clearly a drilling operation, and a "major" one at that, run not just by one person, but by a band of brothers. That's how big the company is. The brown liquid issuing from the ground in the top photo must be what is known as "crude oil," probably because the techniques used to extract it are not elitist and out of touch.

In fact, it looks so easy that the Alameda Daily Noose and I are thinking of checking some back yards in our neighborhood for rich oil deposits. After all, it is the patriotic duty of all Right-Thinking Alamedans to extract as much fossil fuel from the planet as possible, ferreting it out wherever it may lie, unless it happens to be under our prize rosebush. If any of our readers would like to invest in back yard drilling, we would encourage them to contact the Major Drilling company that is so hard at work in the photos above.

Yes, it will be nothing but blue skies ahead as soon as Alameda starts burning all of that fresh, homegrown oil!

Monday, July 7, 2008

City Council Is No Match for Alameda Daily Noose's Super Coverage of Life-and-Death Recreation Issues

The Alameda Daily Noose and I single-handedly changed the course of Alameda history last week. In reaction to our hard-hitting coverage of the City Council's efforts to ban the throwing of balls in parks, the Council reversed its earlier decision. It is now safe to play games of catch again, and fair to sue the City for any injuries incurred from balls thrown by others.

Rumor has it that there was a general outcry against the ball-throwing ban, but it is clear that the Alameda Daily Noose and I led the charge. Therefore, we deserve all of the credit for this dramatic lack of change in City policy. You're welcome.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Do Your Patriotic Duty—Boycott Today's Charade of a Parade

Editor's Comments:

Apparently, the City is celebrating the first anniversary of our historic 3,000th interweb "hit" with a parade much like last year's. Now that we know the event has been hijacked by Squirrels, however, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have decided to boycott it.

It's not that we're afraid of the Squirrels—although any Right-Thinking Alamedan has cause to be—but rather that we have out-smarted them. In making such a brazen public announcement of their involvement in the parade, they were no doubt hoping to goad us into attending in order to prove our courage. What they failed to realize is that the Alameda Daily Noose and I don't need to prove our courage. Indeed, everyone who reads this soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper is reminded of our courage on a daily basis, thanks to our hard-hitting investigative reporting, ground-breaking photojournalism, and fearless dissemination of press releases.

Today, then, the Alameda Daily Noose and I shall lead by example, publishing this special encore presentation of the Alameda Daily Noose instead of playing along with Sedgwick the Squirrel and his Hideous Henchmen. So, Right-Thinking Alamedans, do you patriotic duty by staying home today and reading—and re-reading—this:

Time to Celebrate a Great Day for America

Strike up the band!

That's right, it's almost time to commemorate a defining event in our nation's history, one that took place nearly a full week ago tomorrow. Yes, I'm talking about Thursday, June 28, 2007, that fateful day on which the 3,000th piece of wretched refuse of the Internets arrived on the gleaming golden shores of the Alameda Daily Noose, yearning to breathe free!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were delighted to learn that the whole city of Alameda will be celebrating the auspicious occasion of our 3,000th hit—with no errors, mind you!—by staging a huge parade in our honor tomorrow, July 4, 2007! We are so excited about this that we just know we will be unable to catch a wink of sleep tonight. After all, it's not often that we take the time to celebrate what makes this country great: the fierce independence and bulldog-like determination of a News Man in the classic sense, walking hand in hand with his faithful noosepaper.

We're a little concerned that we haven't yet received word about the car in which we will be riding tomorrow, but we imagine this is due to the difficulty of leasing a Rolls Royce Silver Ghost on such short notice. Of course, if our car does not show up (those British cars can be notoriously unreliable), we are prepared to jump into any vacant vehicle we happen to spot in the parade lineup, and we won't shy away from performing a dramatic re-enactment of the event for the potential millions of loyal viewers of our award-eligible community access cable television program.

God bless America, and God bless the Alameda Daily Noose and me!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Reader Exposes Truck-Driving Squirrel's Plot to Terrorize Parade Spectators

Dear Roger,

Well, great! It's finally happened. The Squirrels have taken Alameda. Though we fought long and hard, it appears their victory is complete. The duller among us have even elevated them to positions of power.

No sooner did I open today's edition of the Alameda Puppy Trainer than I saw this horrifying image (attached). That's right -- the Squirrels are in charge of our recycling! Who better than a varmint to know what to do with trash? They've even made a Squirrel the mascot for our beloved Fourth of July parade!

But it gets much worse:

That's right - not only are the Squirrels taking over the world, they've also graduated from school! And they're spreading their filthy lies about trees to our children:

What's next - mandatory bushy tails? I never thought I'd live to see the day! Woe is us! Woe is us!

Imelda Jackson-Perge

Editor's Comments:

Although the Alameda Daily Noose and I deeply appreciate Jack Purge's effort to keep Right-Thinking Alamedans informed about the Sciurine Menace, we strenuously object to any suggestion that the Global War on Squirrels has already been lost. This is just the kind of defeatism that one has come to expect from the "blame Alameda first" moonbats on the loony liberal left, who refuse to recognize that the recent "Measure Acorn" surge is having a great effect on levels of Squirrel-related violence.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Unrepentant Mayor Johnson to Blame for Near Choking Incident


I was driving back from the Wienerschnitzel (the one on Webster, I mean -- not that snooty upscale one on Park St.), eating my Pastrami Dog with one hand and checking my voice mail with the other, as usual, and wiping up spills with a page from the Alameda Fish-Wrap, when I got pulled over! The officer told me that as of July 1st, it is illegal to hold a cell phone up to your ear while driving. He actually issued me a warning for doing it. A warning! To me, of all people! I nearly choked on my Pastrami Dog. I've never gotten a warning in my life, and I'm not ready to start now.

The question is, why wasn't I notified about this change in Alameda's laws? I didn't see Mayor Johnson shouting the news through a bullhorn at major intersections as regular Alamedans like myself drove by, and she certainly didn't come knocking on doors in my neighborhood so she could sit down and discuss the changes with me and my neighbors in our living rooms over a cold beer. How is anyone supposed to know what is happening in this town when she is so derelict in her duties?

Frieda Bellows

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Where is the Alamedan Cuisine?

Dear Roger,

Once in a while, my husband and I feel like having a special evening and eating out at a local Alameda restaurant. However, we just don't know what to do because we don't feel that Alameda has enough Alamedan cuisine!

Take a mental drive around the Park street area with me and you'll see what I mean. Italian restaurants? Their cuisine like "pizza" and "pasta" is just a bit too exotic for us, thanks. There are several restaurants from Mexico (and probably a few from Canada too, though I haven't seen those yet). There are dining choices featuring food from other parts of the United States, like "Philadelphia" and "New York" (more of that "pizza" food). There is food from Ireland at a "McDonalds" place near the beach. German food, from "Spicykammer", is just too spicy for me. And all those Chinese and Japanese restaurants — That's food from halfway across the world, why would any right-thinking Alamedan want to eat THEIR food?

Even innocent-sounding restaurants like Applebees and Burger King aren't really Alamedan; I've heard tales of restaurants with the same name in other parts of the United States.

Really, the only Alamedan cuisine we have been able to find is from Alameda Grill on Park Street, and perhaps the Hob-Knob though it looks just a bit too smokey inside so we haven't ventured in.

Won't some enterprising young chefs open up more restaurants in Alameda that serve a good meal made from, by, and for Alamedans?


Mildred Rato