Friday, May 30, 2008

Technology Run Amok Could Doom the World, or Even Alameda

Mr. Grumbel,

The Interweb can be a wonderful tool, a way to share information around the world, and, most importantly, a way to read a newspaper sure to garner many, many awards. However, as I learned recently, the Interwebs are not all sunshine and candy and flowers and adorable kittens that fall over while sleeping. Have you ever seen such a thing? My word, it's adorable!
Its paws are so big and it...where was I? Oh, right - THE DANGER OF THE INTERWEB!

I was browsing another Interweb newspaper recently, so that I might better appreciate the Noose by comparison, and thus was alerted to a group using our beloved Web for nefarious purposes. I refer, of course, to the

Imagine such a thing! Spreading that infernal racket around the world!
Can't someone do something? Imagine the innocent children in Japan and other countries that do not contain Alameda. It's a good thing we here on the Immaculate Isle had the foresight to protect ourselves via Measure Angus. I pray that other, more vulnerable lands will not fall victim to that Tartan squeezebox of doom!

Very sincerely,
Mrs. Alma Petalsby

Editor's Comments

The above-mentioned article is deeply troubling. At times like these, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are especially thankful that Alameda is separated from countries like Japan and Scotland by a protective barrier of water. But even with Measure Angus to protect us, we are still vulnerable to the effects of high Bagpipe density elsewhere. We must remember that sound carries better over water.

What is particularly worrisome is the ominous warning buried near the end of the article: "We are at the beginning of this. We think there will be an explosion."

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are going to get started on our Bagpipe fallout shelter right away. We recommend that all of our Right-Thinking readers do the same.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Mr. T. Pities the Fools Who Built the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates


I love your article on the disgusting movie multi-plex. I think that place is absurd and disgusting...I am also sad that the Central Cinema will have to move. I moved to Alameda because it seemed to be an progressive place to live-apparently not! : ( BTW, do you know what happened on Webster St. last night? I am actually looking for some local news on why there were 80 zillion cop cars in Oakland on Broadway and here in Alameda on Webster last night.


Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I welcome T.V. personality Mr. T. to our Treasured Island, because he clearly has excellent taste when it comes to coverage of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. Certainly, the absurdity is abundantly obvious in our noose stories on the subject.

As long-time readers know, we always get the scoop on nooseworthy events in Alameda. Therefore, if you don't see something mentioned here, it can't be anything worth reading about. We're sure that was the case with the incident on Webster Street, whatever it was. You will note that we are not attempting to blame either the horrors of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex, nor the non-event on Webster Street, on Squirrels. That is because we implicate them only where there is reasonable cause to do so, and not because we are obsessed.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

¡Scoop! South(west) of the (Clinton) Border

The Alameda Daily Noose and I recently received this hot tip from Mr. Herb Albert of Tijuana Brass Band fame:


I wanted to alert you to a BLATANT violation of Alameda's bagpipe limiting Measure Angus that I personally witnessed this morning. Perhaps, an enterprising reporter such as yourself, could record and expose this flagrant outrage. I witnessed this outrage in front of 887 Cedar Street, just southwest of Clinton. Because we don't publish for another week, I thought I would turn over this scoop to the Island City's leading noosewriter.

All the best,
Herb Alpert

P.S. The incident occurred just prior to 11 a.m. on Friday 23 May

Eager to catch a Bagpipe violator plaid-handed, we rushed to gather our gear almost as soon as we'd finished enjoying our three-day weekend, and sped to Cedar Street in the Noosemobile.

At first glance, there seemed to be nothing amiss at the address in question. As we scanned the scene with our keen journalistic eyes, we asked a passerby if she had observed any Bagpipe activity there. Oddly, we heard no response to our question. Then we remembered that we were still wearing our Bagpipe-proof ear protection. Once we could hear our source, she told us that she was not aware of any Tartan violations on that street, although she did mention that one of her neighbors on Clinton owned an egregious set of Dress Stewart knickers, which should probably be reported to the proper authorities.

Just as we were beginning to think that there was nothing nooseworthy to be found, a chilling sight arrested us. Lurking behind some foliage was an actual shrine, not to Bagpipes, but to Squirrels! It included a basin that was clearly designed to catch the blood of innocent children sacrificed to the greed of tree-loving, caber-tossing, plaid-wearing, Bagpipe huggers!

Surely, this is what had Mr. Albert so alarmed. We can understand how, in an agitated state, he could have made the mistake of confusing Measure Acorn with Measure Angus in his report, especially since the two laws are intertwined in ways best not described in a family noosepaper. He must have also misstated the address, as this monstrous blight was clearly on the property of 885 Cedar, and not 887.

Of course, Mr. Albert is just an honorary cub reporter for the Alameda Daily Noose, so we can't blame him for making such common, rookie mistakes. In fact, if he keeps up the good work of alerting us to potential scoops, he may one day achieve the exalted status of soon-to-be-award-winning journalist.

We heard that Mr. Albert did, in fact, win some kind of award recently, presumably for his latest jazz album. We haven't seen that for sale anywhere yet, which might explain what he meant by "we don't publish for another week," but we look forward to hearing his latest work soon.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Angling for Armageddon

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were enjoying a friendly game of Yahtzee the other day when the idyll was shattered by the sound of a brick crashing through the window of Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters. The Alameda Daily Noose instinctively dived under the game table, but after the initial moment of surprise, I boldly stepped forward to investigate. Upon closer inspection, the brick turned out to be not a brick at all, but a videotape, with the following note attached:

Are you or Alameda Daily Noose aware of this startling new development in the battle against Squirrels?
We dusted the shards of glass of the tape, inserted it into our trusty VCR, tuned our set to channel 3, and this is what we saw:

The fact that we published this shocking footage, despite being dogged by scurrilous accusations that we are obsessed with Squirrels, speaks volumes about our courage and journalistic integrity. It's not always easy to speak the truth about Squirrels, as our mysterious source must know all too well. However, those who truly understand the Squirrel threat recognize the importance of keeping the Sciurine Menace on a short tether, and doing all we can to keep it from running away with the peanut that is our precious quality of life.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Special Encore Presentation of the Alameda Daily Noose

Editor's Comments:

Every Right-Thinking Alamedan family has its treasured holiday traditions, and the Alameda Daily Noose and I are no exception. Whenever a special day rolls around, we are literaly inundated with requests for encore presentations of our Alameda Daily Noose holiday classics. So, without further ado:

Alameda Daily Noose honors those who made ultimate, penultimate sacrifices

The annual Memorial Day Ceremonies at Alameda's Veterans' Memorial Park at the foot of the Bay Farm Island Bridge will begin this morning at 11:00 AM. In a time when it's so easy to become distracted from the issue at hand, we must remember this Monday to focus all of our thoughts on those brave men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice to protect the freedom we all hold dear. But how, you might ask, would we remember to remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice if it were not for those of us who made the penultimate sacrifice to bring you the story? Yes, that's right, it was the brave journalistic legions of the Alameda Daily Noose who toiled around the clock to bring you the time and place of the Memorial Day Ceremonies.

Although we're far too modest to talk about it, Alameda Daily Noose and I are here, every hour of every day of every week, bravely protecting you, the readers, from the slings, arrows, bullets, and grenades of public discourse that are constantly slung, shot, and hurled our way. When we see a letter to the editor whizzing through the series of tubes that is the interweb, we throw ourselves in its path — without a thought for our own safety — defiantly shouting "Nooooooooooo!" as everything goes into slow motion. We hit the "delete" key, and millions, or at least hundreds . . . well, perhaps dozens of readers are spared from opinions that might jangle disharmoniously with the established thought patterns of right-thinking Alamedans everywhere. Before you can raise your voice to utter a word of gratitude, we've already said it: "No need to thank us, Sir or Ma'am, it's all in a day's work for the Alameda Daily Noose and me."

Friday, May 23, 2008

People Named Richard Seem to Know How to Handle the Squirrel Menace

Dear Roger Grumbel,

Your rants against squirrels are keeping me up at night.But today I found THIS and I think you are really on to something. If I weren't so sleep deprived, I might be able to connect the dots.

Early years

Coulter was born in New York City and raised in Connecticut by an upper middle class family. Her father, John Vincent, was an FBI agent turned union-buster who enjoyed shooting squirrels in his backyard. According to a column Coulter wrote upon this dick’s death on January 4, 2008, She concluded her tribute, “Now he was “very funny.” Daddy is with Joe McCarthy and Ronald Reagan. I hope they stop laughing about the Reds long enough to talk to God about smiting some liberals for me.” Unfortunately for John Vincent Coulter, based on whom he’s hanging out with, it sounds like he’s in hell.

Respectfully Yours,
Edmundo Delmundo

Editor's Comments:

Anyone who is never kept awake at night by worries of the Squirrel Threat just isn't paying attention. The Alameda Daily Noose and I aren't sure why the interweb article quoted above contains so many references to people named Richard, nor why their nicknames are not capitalized, but it is obvious that the Reds that McCarthy and Reagan disliked were none other than Red Squirrels. It is also clear that Ann Coulter, in addition to coming from good Squirrel-hunting stock, understands the power of complaining in dealing with any problem, Sciurine or otherwise. Now, if there are any dots that we have left unconnected, they can't be very important. You're welcome, Mr. Delmonte.

P.S.—Given the thousands of topics we cover, it's a virtual statistical certainty that at least some of them are going to be related to Squirrels. In other words, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are not obsessed with Squirrels.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Fat Cats Dance on Ruins of City While Right-Thinking Alamedans Mourn Opening of Megaplex

The Alameda Daily Noose and I weren't there, and wouldn't have gone if you'd paid us to, but we have it on good authority that last night's so-called gala opening of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates was a disgusting spectacle.

Several of the perpetrators of this un-Alamedan development exhorted their minions to enjoy the new, ridiculously small theaters, as well as the only partially restored historic main theater. The very idea that anyone could enjoy this kind of theater, which is so obviously wrong for Alameda, shows how blinded by greed the City and the Developers are.

Apparently, the majority of those present celebrated, unaware that the project is already a failure. We hope they are happy to have irrevocably ruined the character of our city.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

B.L.O.G.S. Only Wish They Were Funny

The Alameda Daily Noose and I don't read those Boring, Lame, Online Gossip Shops (B.L.O.G.S.) ourselves, but we understand that some of them have been trying to employ humor to further their destructive agendas. In doing so, they are stealing our work. It was the Alameda Daily Noose and I who came up with the brilliant idea of including a joke or two along with our serious, hard-hitting coverage of local events, so anyone else who mixes humor and purported reporting, however incompetently, ought to pay us royalties. We will not name those B.L.O.G.S. that have been violating this principle, not because we can't remember what they are called, but because it would only encourage them.

Stealing other people's ideas is not funny. An example of something that is funny would be, say, the notion that anyone would want to go see that new Iowa James movie at the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. Why, the movie itself won't be worth the price of admission. It has some ridiculous title that's too dull to remember, but it should have been called Idiotic Jerk and the Temple of Dumb. Heh, heh. That's actually pretty funny. But we digress.

Even assuming that people are curious about this new movie, maybe because they did enjoy the first three, after all, why would they want to watch it in Alameda instead of going to one of the mega…uh, cineplexes that are conveniently located near the border of our Treasured Isle? Ha! It is to laugh. But in case you were thinking of spreading the mirth, hold it right there! This entire noosepaper is copyrighted by us, and may not be reproduced in any form, with or without the permission of the editor.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Parking Garage a Proven Hazard to Environment and Public Safety

The Alameda Daily Noose and I got a hot tip recently regarding the new, unusable parking garage. We were told that the builders failed to install any kind of fence along the top, where there is a narrow gap between the roof of the garage and the roof of the new Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, and also gave no thought to any kind of drainage system for the structure.

Our thorough investigation of both these allegations revealed that, shockingly, they are both almost true! As the exclusive Alameda Daily Noose photos above show, what little fence exists on top of the garage is woefully inadequate. A determined child, especially one equipped with rock-climbing gear, could no doubt get over the top easily, fall off, and become wedged between the outer walls of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex and the garage.

Similarly, the one small drain located on the roof couldn't possibly have enough capacity to keep up with the scorn that will be dripping plentifully from Right-Thinking Alamedans. With the opening of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex only days away, the scorn will soon back up the drain and start flowing down the levels of the garage until it roars out into Oak Street, washing away any innocent churchgoers, high school students, or Longs shoppers who might be in its path.

It is doubtful that either of these nightmare scenarios was considered in the environmental impact report for the so-called project. By the time a thick layer of children has accumulated in the gap, and a thicker layer of scorn on the street, it will be too late to turn back. There will be nothing left but for the Alameda Daily Noose and me to say we told you so.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Why So Many Letters?

Dear Mr. Grumbel,

I've noticed a distressing turn in your no-doubt-soon-to-be-award-winning Internet news stand of late. Most of your recent material comes not from you, but from various letter-writing cranks. Well, rest assured. I am no such crank!

I read the Daily Noose to leverage your keen insight into the world and its many problems - including but not limited to Scotsmen, Squirrels, and unnecessary theaters - for my day-to-day existence, not to read some local boor drone on about this tax or that meeting. You deprive the public of your wisdom at your peril, young man!

Also, have you sampled any new types of oil recently? Some of the synthetic models are getting quite sophisticated, with this new car-going-improvement, or CGI, technology. I'd like to read your thoughts about them. Your thoughts - not the prattling of housewives like myself.

Get back to the work you are meant to do, and never relent in your battle against all that threatens our Natural Rights. I refer of course to Squirrelless trees and being able to park in front ouf our houses.

Yours warily,
Agnes Fergussone

Friday, May 16, 2008

Squirrel Pies For All!

Mr. Grumbel,

While I know that you have literally hundreds of non-Squirrel-related interests, I can't help but call your attention to an innovation that may turn the tide in the War Against Global Squirrels (WAGS). I refer, of course, to the Squirrel meat pie, or, as our friends in England (a Treasured Isle almost as nice as Alameda) call it, a Squirrel pasty.

Through simple preparation and a thick crust, we can take our Squirrel-shaped lemons and make tasty Squirrel-ade from them! That's a solution Vice-Presidential candidate-in-waiting Heidi Wilson would surely endorse. I hope that one of Alameda's forward-thinking restauranteurs, like Gym's Coffee Clutch, or Ole's Gruel & Hardtack Hovel, follows this lead, and makes fine-tasting Squirrel pies available to all.

Now we can see all those tax-sponsored trees for what they really are - fishing nets of the sky!

Yours in healthy food,
Joolie Childress

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are skeptical that Squirrel pies could be as good as Squirrel melts, but any tool that comes to hand could be useful in the ongoing effort to solve the Squirrel problem. It is important to keep our readers updated on all of the weapons available for their personal or militia-based anti-Squirrel arsenals. Doing so does not in any way indicate that we are abnormally fixated on those deceptively cute and undeniably vicious little Birdseed Raiders.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

A Holiday That All Right-Thinking Alamedans Can Enjoy

Hey, Mr. Grumbel,

Did you know today is Motor To Work Day? That's right - the special day celebrating the most efficient form of transportation - the automobile! Bicycle? That's only 2 wheels! It takes at least 4 to get anywhere you'd want to go. There will be festive lights at most streetcorners to mark the event, and colorful stripes painted right down the middle of the street!

In honor of this special day, fine restaurants like Burger King, Carl's Jr., and the fine German restaurant Der Wienershnitzel are actually serving food to people in their cars! Talk about health-conscious! No more worries about straining a muscle getting out of the front seat. I wish they did that every day. Boy, would life (and eating) be easier!

How can you take part? Drive everywhere for a change, and leave the motor running! Don't stop, especially in the mis-built garage that no one uses.

When you're done, make sure you park right in front of your house! Even those who don't usually drive should take this opportunity to reconnect with their cars, listening to the radio and letting the engine idle for an hour or so. You can make a difference!

A. J. Foot

Editor's Comments:

Every day is "Motor To Work Day" for true Alamedans. However, it's nice to have some recognition of our contributions to society. The Alameda Daily Noose and I will be taking an extra victory lap around the block at the end of every trip we make today.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Mary Englund: No Taxation and No Misrepresentation


I can't help but feel like I'm the only person who is part of the majority of citizens in this town who are Right-Thinking Alamedans. How else can you explain the continued injustice of my having to pay taxes when my kids are going to a private school? It's not easy to raise kids and pay for their education, especially with these pesky taxes on top of my other expenses.

Where does all of that tax money go, anyway? People try to tell me that it pays for roads, but anyone can see that we already have plenty of roads, so that is blatant misrepresentation. We also don't need any more trees in this town, and although I'd like a nice grassy park closer to where I live, I wouldn't be willing to spend any money to get it. So clearly, paying taxes doesn't do anyone any good.

Mary Englund

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Throngs of Shoppers Drive Business Away from Park Street


As fans of parking in front of one's house, you and I share a desire for easy and quick parking no matter where we are. Imagine my shock and dismay this past weekend as I made my way to Gym's Coffee Clutch for my usual Saturday 4-egg omelet with ham steak and black coffee (2 Equals), only to find the entirety of Park Street closed! Closed! Closed, I said!

Apparently, some hippie freaks had convinced those nitwits on the city council to hold some sort of "festival" dedicated to selling hemp clothing and oversized novelty hot dogs. The roads were swarming with non-Alamedans and their cars! It got so bad, I had to park in the garage no one uses, and even that was full of people not using it, and for free!

What did I see when I finally made my way through the throng? Strangers wandering the streets as willful as you please, buying costume jewelry and French Fries topped with garlic! (What will those crazy French think of next?) Is this why I pay my property taxes - so non-Alamedans can shop right in the middle of the street? Is this what things will be like when the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates opens? Woe is us! Woe is indeed us!

Booh Gradley

Editor's Comments:

Loyal readers will no doubt notice that the Alameda Daily Noose and I refrained from pointing out the obvious connection between lack of parking and that Tool of the Squirrels called "street trees". Again, this is definitive proof that we are not obsessed with Squirrels.

Monday, May 12, 2008

The Alameda Daily Noose and I Demonstrate Great Restraint and Good Judgment

After all of last week's hard-hitting, non-Squirrel related stories and other Noose items, there should be no doubt in anyone's mind that the Alameda Daily Noose and I are not obsessed with Squirrels. However, if we needed to prove that fact, we could do so simply by pointing out that we did not report at all on a number of recent minor Squirrel incidents.

For example, it's been a whole year since the skirmish between splinter factions in the Squirrel ranks that is documented in the video above, and we haven't even mentioned it once! Had it not been broken up by the timely intervention of a heroic Pigeon, the fight could have developed into all-out war, or at least something of great significance. And after all, items of great significance are the only kind that we publish.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Dave Williamson Knows the Real Reasons (and They Have Nothing to Do with Squirrels)


I’m writing to dispel several of the myths that so-called experts are trying to foist off on Right-Thinking Alamedans. Foremost of these is the erroneous idea that tooth decay is the result of not brushing one’s teeth. We all know that eating sugary foods is what causes cavities, so there’s no point in allowing Big Toothbrush to scare us into buying useless, expensive oral hygiene instruments.

Furthermore, a penny saved is a penny earned. Clearly, then, trying to earn money by any other means, such as working at a job, is merely a fool’s errand. We should all stop doing that and spend the resulting extra time saving money instead.

Speaking of finance, no-one can convince me that the flat or even falling property values in Alameda are a result of any general problems in the housing market. The only factor that affects property values is the quality of schools in the neighborhood. Therefore, any decrease in our home values must be the result of decreasing quality in our schools. That is why we should stop voting to give the district more money to waste.

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I would like to point out that this letter had nothing to do with Squirrels. Given the hundreds of non-Squirrel-related letters we publish on a regular basis, we have no reason to be defensive about accusations that we are obsessed with Squirrels, and no one can accuse us of being protesting too much, either.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Golf Course Use Down over Last Year, As Shown in Journalistic Investigation That Has Nothing to Do with Squirrels

Last spring, the Chuck Corica Golf Complex was teeming with activity, but observant Alamedans have noticed a slight change this year. The grass on the course is just as green as it was then, and the water hazards just as beguiling, but it seems that some users have been lured away by newer, larger golf courses, and perhaps even by the restoration of marshes elsewhere in the Bay Area. Bay Farm Island's population of egrets and other water-loving birds has started to decline as the flighty, ungrateful things try walking the greens in other communities.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I conducted an in-depth investigation of this alarming decline yesterday. The results were telling. In an exclusive Alameda Daily Noose interview, we asked long-time greens keeper Flip Mulligan how many egrets had made use of the golf course recently. His answer confirmed our suspicions: "Egrets? We've had a few," he said, and after a moment's consideration, added, "but then again, too few to mention." He was further able to clarify rumors regarding a recent sighting of a birdie on the course. It turned out to not be the kind of birdie we were investigating. To date, there is no plan for how to reverse the downtrend in waterfowl on this particular course.

If the Alameda Daily Noose and I were obsessed with Squirrels—which we most certainly are not—we would have asked greens keeper Mulligan if he had seen any lately. We were careful to point out our failure to ask about this to Mr. Mulligan, and, with only the tiniest bit of prodding, he concurred that we are not, in fact, obsessed with Squirrels.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Brenda Snook is Completely Wrong, Except For Part About Alameda Daily Noose's Value to the Community


I wanted you to know that I agree with what you said about some of those people out there who seem to have an unhealthy obsession with Squirrels. However, as a frequent reader, I couldn't help noticing that the Alameda Daily Noose seems to be in danger of falling into that same trap. Do you realize that you've been running Squirrel stories for the past four days in a row now (not counting the weekend, of course).

Aren't you worried that if Right-Thinking Alamedans read too much about Squirrels they might start to understand and even sympathize with them? As important as it is to make everyone aware of the Squirrel threat, I'm afraid you may have crossed the line into too much Squirrel coverage. Please, step back from the edge of that abyss before it's too late. The Alameda Daily Noose is far too valuable a resource in our community. I don't want to see it fall to friendly fire in the Global War on Squirrels.

Concerned Citizen Brenda Snook

Editor's Comments:

Brenda Snook clearly doesn't know what she is talking about. The Alameda Daily Noose and I run plenty of stories about things other than Squirrels. Miss Snook must not read carefully enough to realize that. As Tom Paine—or was it Tom Petty?—once said, it is "the height of the folly of ridiculousness" to suggest that we could be susceptible to wasting as much time on Squirrels as those nutty researchers and unrealistic "rehabilitators" who seem to think that being a Squirrel is not necessarily cause for punishment. The Alameda Daily Noose and I can't help it that there has been an alarming amount of Squirrel activity lately, on which it was our duty to report.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Squirrel Fanatics Are at It Again

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are flabbergasted. As if real Squirrels were not bad enough, someone actually had the bad judgment to fund researchers who have created mechanical Squirrels, which are sure to run amok and threaten Alameda to an even greater extent than it is already threatened! We thought we had seen some real Squirrel enthusiasts, but this takes the cake.

These people are so obsessed with Squirrels that they are actually trying to communicate with the fidgety little critters. Do they think they're going to negotiate a treaty? I mean, come on! We're talking about one of the most devious, least trustworthy types of creatures in Alameda. To actually talk to one of them would be to admit defeat in the Global War on Squirrels.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are highly suspicious of anyone who would devote such copious time and effort to analyzing the behavior of Squirrels. We don't need to understand them, we just need to defeat them. It's just like when you're invading a country. Every minute spent trying to learn their language, culture, history, and politics is a precious minute that could be spent kicking some enemy butt.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Flawed Environmental Report Omits Likely Effects of Toxic Contamination at Alameda Point

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have just discovered that there may be radioactive waste at Alameda Point! We're not sure exactly when we made this discovery, because the environmental report we were reading mentioned that a similar substance is present in certain kinds of wristwatches, and upon learning that, we were quick to ensure that no watch of any kind remained in our immediate vicinity.

Notably missing from all descriptions of contamination on the former naval air station is any mention of the likely effects of all this radioactivity. By "likely effects," we mean, of course, the inevitable mutation of the sparse but toughened Squirrel population in that part of our Treasured Island. As they breathe the radioactive air and ingest the radioactive soil, these monstrous nucivores will grow stronger, bolder, and more aggressive. It is obvious that they will eventually turn their destructive sights on the city across the bay from us, just for target practice, and then wheel around and begin in earnest the accomplishment of their true goal: the utter obliteration of Alameda.

Such disturbing discoveries as this make it all the more incredible that some people, far from shunning Squirrels, devote entire interweb sites to promoting them. It's bad enough that these Squirrel sympathizers brush aside the obvious threat their wild cohorts pose to our way of life, but we also have to wonder about the mental health of anyone who can devote such sheer amounts of time and attention to that single subject. Anyone who is sufficiently fixated on the creatures to write about them day after day, month after month, is probably in need of intervention. Somebody should set these nut-jobs straight, and cure them of their Squirrel addiction once and for all.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Squirrel "False Flag" Operation Impending?

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have learned from sources that the Alameda Squirrel population may be planning on staging a "False Flag" attack in order to justify a fully fledged assault on the human population of Alameda.

Following up on our investigative reporting on terrorist "sleepy cells," the Alameda Daily Noose and I have uncovered another Squirrel Supremacy interweb site which is the online base of operations for the Squirrel so-called "intelligence."

False Flag attacks are military operations in which one group stages a fake attack on their own population in order to generate the urgent patriotism needed to launch a counter-attack against the imagined perpetrator. This technique was used in foreign countries that no Right-Thinking Alamedan has ever heard of, dozens of years ago, but it was more famously documented in the "Gulf of San Leandro" incident, in which the Alameda Squirrel population blew up one of their own walnut trees along the shores of Bay Farm Island, blaming the incident on the Chipmunks. This justified the Alameda Rodent War that lasted over a decade, and finally exterminated every last Chipmunk from the island. (We humans tolerated the battles because, well, we were happy to see those darned Chipmunks go.)

Through our intrepid investigation, we have learned that the Squirrels are ready to try this technique again, probably just before the upcoming election, in order to distract us from going to the polls and voting for the popular Measure "Hate Squirrels." Their plans are to scatter thousands of poisoned acorns throughout the city, enough to kill off several hundred Squirrels, and then blame the incident on the humans. They already have sympathizers in the Alameda Puppy Trainer and the Alameda Fish Wrap, ready to go to press with news stories that call for an all-out war with the human population of our Island City. Their plans, it seems, are to do to the human population of Alameda what they did to the Chipmunks.

If you start running over already-dead Squirrels in the next few weeks as you drive home from your work on the other side of the island, realize that the so-called attack by the humans is not all that it seems. And get ready for an all-out assault from an enraged Rodent population.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Mayday! Mayday! Radical Group Seeks Funding for Bushy-Tailed Terrorist "Sleepy Cells"

It may be hard to believe that there are people in the world who not only tolerate Squirrels, but actively work to help increase their numbers. For those who need to see the proof with their own eyes here it is:

Dear Editor,

Each spring WildCare admits more than one thousand orphaned and injured baby animals, all needing warmth, gentle care and proper nutrition to grow up strong and wild.

These babies rely on generous and caring people like you to see that WildCare has the resources available to give them a second chance at life. We need your help! Please consider sponsoring a group of baby animals today!

Like most mammals, squirrel mothers take very good care of their young, but if Mom is hit by a car or attacked by a dog, the babies may be orphaned. They arrive at WildCare cold, hungry and desperately needing care.

Baby squirrels in foster care like to snuggle in a hammock hung from the top of their cage. Each year over 100 squirrels need help of some kind from our wildlife hospital, and many of these are orphaned babies. Sponsor a hammock of baby squirrels!

You can make a difference for orphaned baby squirrels and all of WildCare's wild babies by sponsoring a group of little ones for yourself or as a gift. Your sponsorship includes an eCard you may send to someone special featuring the baby of your choice or a download-print-and-fold PDF card for Mother's Day. These wild babies will make any mother smile, and with your sponsorship you'll be helping all of WildCare's orphaned baby animals grow up strong and healthy.

Please click to sponsor a group of babies now! Thank you!


Karen Wilson
Executive Director

PS: Please consider sponsoring a group of baby animals this spring. Donations of $50 or more include a one-year WildCare membership and an invitation to our free Mother's Day event for the whole family!
It is clear that in directing these marching orders to the Alameda Daily Noose and me, the Squirrel sympathizers, operating from their high-security base outside Alameda, are attempting to insinuate Squirrels from other cities into our very homes! The very idea makes the Alameda Daily Noose and me shudder.

However, forewarned is forearmed. Now that the plot has been revealed, Right-Thinking Alamedans will not be taken in by the images of sweet, innocent fawns and ducklings, and inadvertantly end up with one of these "sleepy cells" of Squirrels hanging in a hammock on their front porch.

And, although most of us would choose to stay as far away from Squirrels as we can, the bravest among us may be able to turn this knowledge into a covert anti-Squirrel offensive. By infiltrating the ranks of Squirrel-coddlers, gaining their trust through participating in bottle-feeding and bedding changing, one could gain access to the Squirrels at a critical stage of their political development, and perhaps train them to be less Squirrelly. Then, when these brainwashed Squirrels are released into the wild, they may be able to influence the more Squirrelly members of their species, thus reducing overall levels of Squirrel-like activity.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I would of course be brave enough to complete this mission ourselves, but we are far too busy with…uh…other very important things. Surely some of our loyal readers are willing to risk their own safety for the good of our Treasured Island.