Dave Williamson Knows the Real Reasons (and They Have Nothing to Do with Squirrels)

Rog,

I’m writing to dispel several of the myths that so-called experts are trying to foist off on Right-Thinking Alamedans. Foremost of these is the erroneous idea that tooth decay is the result of not brushing one’s teeth. We all know that eating sugary foods is what causes cavities, so there’s no point in allowing Big Toothbrush to scare us into buying useless, expensive oral hygiene instruments.

Furthermore, a penny saved is a penny earned. Clearly, then, trying to earn money by any other means, such as working at a job, is merely a fool’s errand. We should all stop doing that and spend the resulting extra time saving money instead.

Speaking of finance, no-one can convince me that the flat or even falling property values in Alameda are a result of any general problems in the housing market. The only factor that affects property values is the quality of schools in the neighborhood. Therefore, any decrease in our home values must be the result of decreasing quality in our schools. That is why we should stop voting to give the district more money to waste.

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I would like to point out that this letter had nothing to do with Squirrels. Given the hundreds of non-Squirrel-related letters we publish on a regular basis, we have no reason to be defensive about accusations that we are obsessed with Squirrels, and no one can accuse us of being protesting too much, either.