Mayday! Mayday! Radical Group Seeks Funding for Bushy-Tailed Terrorist "Sleepy Cells"

It may be hard to believe that there are people in the world who not only tolerate Squirrels, but actively work to help increase their numbers. For those who need to see the proof with their own eyes here it is:

Dear Editor,

Each spring WildCare admits more than one thousand orphaned and injured baby animals, all needing warmth, gentle care and proper nutrition to grow up strong and wild.

These babies rely on generous and caring people like you to see that WildCare has the resources available to give them a second chance at life. We need your help! Please consider sponsoring a group of baby animals today!

Like most mammals, squirrel mothers take very good care of their young, but if Mom is hit by a car or attacked by a dog, the babies may be orphaned. They arrive at WildCare cold, hungry and desperately needing care.

Baby squirrels in foster care like to snuggle in a hammock hung from the top of their cage. Each year over 100 squirrels need help of some kind from our wildlife hospital, and many of these are orphaned babies. Sponsor a hammock of baby squirrels!

You can make a difference for orphaned baby squirrels and all of WildCare's wild babies by sponsoring a group of little ones for yourself or as a gift. Your sponsorship includes an eCard you may send to someone special featuring the baby of your choice or a download-print-and-fold PDF card for Mother's Day. These wild babies will make any mother smile, and with your sponsorship you'll be helping all of WildCare's orphaned baby animals grow up strong and healthy.

Please click to sponsor a group of babies now! Thank you!

Sincerely,

Karen Wilson
Executive Director
WildCare

PS: Please consider sponsoring a group of baby animals this spring. Donations of $50 or more include a one-year WildCare membership and an invitation to our free Mother's Day event for the whole family!

It is clear that in directing these marching orders to the Alameda Daily Noose and me, the Squirrel sympathizers, operating from their high-security base outside Alameda, are attempting to insinuate Squirrels from other cities into our very homes! The very idea makes the Alameda Daily Noose and me shudder.

However, forewarned is forearmed. Now that the plot has been revealed, Right-Thinking Alamedans will not be taken in by the images of sweet, innocent fawns and ducklings, and inadvertantly end up with one of these "sleepy cells" of Squirrels hanging in a hammock on their front porch.

And, although most of us would choose to stay as far away from Squirrels as we can, the bravest among us may be able to turn this knowledge into a covert anti-Squirrel offensive. By infiltrating the ranks of Squirrel-coddlers, gaining their trust through participating in bottle-feeding and bedding changing, one could gain access to the Squirrels at a critical stage of their political development, and perhaps train them to be less Squirrelly. Then, when these brainwashed Squirrels are released into the wild, they may be able to influence the more Squirrelly members of their species, thus reducing overall levels of Squirrel-like activity.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I would of course be brave enough to complete this mission ourselves, but we are far too busy with…uh…other very important things. Surely some of our loyal readers are willing to risk their own safety for the good of our Treasured Island.