Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Anonymous Reader Attacks Parody


Can you believe this vicious attack video about vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin that is circulating on the internet [sic]? What did she ever do to deserve such blatant parody?

Anonymously Yours,

Editor's comments:

It is reprehensible that anyone would take Miss Governor Palin's own words out of context in a futile attempt to make her look foolish. The T.V. "comedians" responsible for this insult are not fit to de-fuzz and roast the many Squirrels that she must serve up every day in her noble defense of Alameda. That less-than-intelligent T.V. show simply mocks everything, which makes all of their sketches meaningless.

Everyone in the media ought to be showing deference to Miss Palin, the mighty huntress whose Alaska home is a bastion against those Red Squirrels lurking so dangerously close to Alameda's very narrow maritime borders. There's nothing "funny" about that.

Miss Palin, the Alameda Daily Noose and I recommend that, in order to prevent such ignoble attacks on your character in the future, you keep tight control of all existing videos of your interviews and other appearances. No-one should be allowed to see them unless you yourself choose to share some of the highlights with a close group of supporters, perhaps on a local cable access channel.

And whatever you do, Miss Governor Palin, don't give up on convincing your running mate, what's-his-name, of the imminent threat that Squirrels present. The fate of Alameda depends on you winning this election, and ending the Global War on Squirrels once and for all!

Monday, September 29, 2008

Scüp! Of Nus

Aspiring journalists, take note: There is now a special tool available to help you scoop up those timely tips on goings-on in the great island nation of Alameda. Ordinarily, the Alameda Daily Noose and I would be suspicious of any product that displayed such obviously foreign spelling, but when we spotted this latest scoop, we immediately recognized that it was the result of our international influence.

We were already well aware that we have loyal fans around the globe, but this is the clearest evidence to date that our hard-hitting investigative reporting is being emulated elsewhere. We hope that someday, all of those backward countries, including even Europe, will follow our fine journalistic example. No matter what kind of ridiculous markings you use to spell it, you have to use a scoop if you want to dish out the noose.

Mind you, the Alameda Daily Noose and I already own enough scoops to last a lifetime, but some of you inexperienced, wanna-be reporters might want to try out this new-fangled fact-gathering device. You can't put a price on good information, but you can get a scoop for it at that hippie grocery store in town, and for only $14.49.

Remember, the Alameda Daily Noose and I print every single letter we receive, without significant exceptions, most of the time, so the next scoop we serve could be your own.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Dave Williamson Knows How to Solve Problem of Countrie Peripherie


Yesterday's well-balanced article about Alameda-appropriate artwork was timely. "Go away" is exactly the message we need to send now to certain people in our closely knit community. Why? Because Alameda Countrie Peripherie shopping center is boring and ugly and filled with tacky businesses (as the attached photo proves), and is going to lure shoppers away from all of the high-quality bargains available elsewhere on our island.

The Planning Board is to blame. They approved all of the plans for the buildings that now contain all of those businesses that are doomed to fail as soon as they have destroyed our good, honest Alameda businesses. But even if every member of the Planning Board were to go away, our do-nothing mayor would undoubtedly just appoint new members, as if it were important to fill those vacancies.

Now, we might conclude that Right-Thinking Alamedans should tell the mayor to go away, but first we have to consider who is to blame for her being mayor in the first place. Obviously, it's the fault of everyone who voted for her. The solution is simple. Those of us who voted to kick her out of office in the last election all know who we are, so all we have to do is drive away all of the other voters in town.

To that end, it is essential for all Right-Thinking Alamedans to display the "go away" message prominently where it will be seen by anyone attempting to park in front of their houses.

Dave Williamson

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Local Artist Captures the Spirit of Right-Thinking Alameda

Although artists are generally just a bunch of trouble-makers, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have to admit that they sometimes get it right. We were charmed to see this whimsical sculpture on a neighbor's doorstep as we were driving by yesterday. Appropriately enough, the Alameda Daily Noose exclusive photo above shows the scene only moments before said neighbor came hurtling out of his front door to berate us for parking in front of his house.

We assume that the adorable dog statue, which reminds us a little of our trusty newshound, Scoop, is the work of local artist Frieda Bellows. However, when we attempted to contact Miss Bellows to confirm our suspicion, the only response she gave us was one very similar in spirit to the overt message of her presumed work. Obviously, our assumption was correct, and her lack of patience was a sign that she is very busy turning out more such indispensable artworks to adorn our Treasured Isle, leaving no doubt as to the type of reception we give to outsiders.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Right-Thinking Alamedan: Wake Up and Smell the Dark, Caffeinated Threat to Our Treasured Island!


I have sent countless messages to our do-nothing City Council regarding the egregious build-up of coffee shops in our community, and have received no response. I finally resorted to the use of that wretched machine known as the "telephone" to complain to some peon at City Hall about the silence of my supposed representatives. Judging from the somewhat confused testimony of the miserable lackey who answered my "telephone" call, not a single one of my trained messenger pigeons had been allowed access to the interior of City Hall, and they were all, in fact, still strutting around on various windowsills, pecking at the glass in what I can only assume was a valiant attempt to gain access to the planning department.

Eventually, I was told that my concerns about coffee shops would be relayed to the Council, and I sat back to await the eradication of those strong-smelling, loiterer-infested lairs that seem to lurk on every street corner of late, luring innocent youths into a lifetime of caffeine addiction.

Nothing happened.

Several months and many pigeons later, I used the blasted "telephone" again, only to be told by a so-called attorney that the City Council does not control the number of coffee shops on our fair island.

Well, let me tell you, I don't trust that attorney. I once read a book on the evils of coffee shops, so I know a thing or two about how the Council should handle them. I think that "attorney" is dead wrong, and that the Council has the right—nay, the duty—to shut down each and every coffee shop that is infiltrating our precious business districts and peaceful, residential neighborhoods.

Not that I trust the City Council to do the right thing, even if they weren't being led astray by all of those "attorneys" with their quote-unquote-training and elitist "law degrees." I don't trust the Mayor, I don't trust City staff, and I don't trust my neighbors to sign the excellent petition that I've written up. Come to think of it, I don't even trust myself. So trust me: no-one should trust anyone!

Geneviève Wellborn

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Readers Around the Globe Inundate Alameda Daily Noose and Me with Fan Mail

Loyal readers, we appreciate your appreciation, but please be aware that we are not in the marriage market, there is nothing wrong with our weight, and we certainly don't want to purchase any Pentium, whatever that is. We decided to publish this public call for restraint because it is becoming difficult to respond to each gee-mail message individually. It almost seems that for every response we send, we receive five more offers of this nature.

So please, devoted fans, hold off on the private messages for a while. Going through them all is hindering our ability to deal with letters for publication in a timely manner, and is also making it harder for us to spot those hot stock tips and act on them. And goodness knows that good financial advice is especially important these days.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Too Grumpy to Fail


As the president of the Alameda Cultural Heritage Education Society, I am writing to demand that our good-for-nothing Mayor and those bozos on the City Council immediately approve a sweeping rescue plan to stanch the hemorrhaging of funds from donations to A.C.H.E.S. Without an immediate infusion of cash from the City, it is entirely possible that A.C.H.E.S. may not be able to put on the 19th Annual Celebrity Grump-A-Thon. The consequences of such a disaster are too devastating to enumerate; simply put, A.C.H.E.S. is too grumpy to fail.

But how, you ask, did it come to this? Back in August of 2o07, A.C.H.E.S. treasurer Mabel Grimloch suggested that we take the proceeds from the 18th Annual Celebrity Grump-A-Thon and invest them in a complex but innovative new class of financial instruments known as "jackpot-backed securities." Everything was going according to plan on our second night in Vegas; we were up $2,135.17 when Marlene Verloren insisted that we wager $2,000 on a red snake bet at the roulette table. She said she hadn't been so sure about anything since 1945, but I'll be darned if we didn't lose it all. By the time we paid for our bus fare back to Alameda, $14.37 was all that remained in the A.C.H.E.S. treasury.

Looking back, there's no way anyone possibly could have foreseen the fate that befell us at the roulette table. Remember, we played it safe; after all, if we had done something foolish like invest it in the stock market, we could have lost everything! Given that we only had the best interest of Alameda at heart, and given the fact that we didn't personally profit from this whole misadventure at all—well, nothing apart from the champagne, the caviar, and the four-star suite at Caesars Palace, anyway—we think it is only fitting that we should receive a massive government bailout. Besides, we doubt that the taxpayers would want the champagne and caviar back at this point. That's all bubbly wine and fish eggs under the bridge!

Janice Lighter-Merv

Friday, September 19, 2008

Jerry Jones Makes a Mental Leap


We've heard a lot of crazy ideas about how to get people on and off the island once Alameda Point is packed full of people living on top of each other like a huge bed of mussels. Why, those scheming developers have touted everything from human cannonballs aimed at Oakland to some untested technology called "Bus Rapid Transit" which supporters claim is like light rail only without the rails. Ridiculous! But most ridiculous of all is this whole idea of Jetson-like "Personal Rodent Transit."

How is it that everyone in this town keeps overlooking the real solution to our unique transportation problems? What we need is PRT, which stands for "Personal Rabbit Transit." As you can see from the photo I've included, PRT has proven feasible in numerous simulations, and the test subjects seem to enjoy the free cowboy hats that come with the ride.

The last thing we want is to have more half-wit drivers careening around town in their hybrid cars and diesel trucks, I mean have you seen the way people drive in this town? I don't want a bunch of untrained, unqualified drivers trying to run me down on my way to the rabbit stop, and until we have a good rabbit system that gets people to BART, no-one is going to get out of their cars, especially not the speed-demon maniacs in my neighborhood.

Seriously folks, Alameda needs to make that giant leap to a fluffier, more grass-powered future. Personal Rabbit Transit just makes sense, so what are we waiting for?

Jerry Jones

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Former City Council Candidate Responds to Danielle MacSteele


I understand that some people consider my use of the word "moron" to be name-calling. What kind of knucklehead would think that? Back in 1912, when I was taking psychology at the College of Alameda, we learned "moron" is actually the highest of the three clinical divisions of feeble-mindedness, above "imbecile" and "idiot." Beka Mackeggie should take it as a compliment!

So I'm sorry if you don't like to honor my freedom of speech, Miss MacSteele, but I'll call anyone I want a moron whenever I want, you imbecile! Since some people in this town have a nasty habit of repeating my own words to convince others not to vote for me, I've decided to give them plenty of words to use. So take that, you toad-licking, tax-evading, dweeby idiots!

I stand by my mouth, which is wide open. That's right, I don't care who I offend, because nobody in this town ever makes a decent contribution to the Grump-A-Thon anyway, even though I've repeatedly insulted people who don't make decent contributions. What a town full of losers!

Former City Council Candidate

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Some Clueless Writer Lady Claims Beka Mackeggie Is Not a Moron


I'm surprised that the Alameda Daily Noose has been devoting so much space to insulting Beka Mackeggie. Beka Mackeggie is not a moron. I have met Beka at several literary functions in Alameda, and found her to be intelligent, thoughtful, and in no way bent on destroying our town through wanton use of humor.

It's hard to believe that this is the same noosepaper that gave its kind support to my most recent work, Devil in a Kilt. I thought you were interested in encouraging our island's diverse literary talents, but I fail to see how name-calling advances the art of letters. Perhaps if the name-calling were in the form of iambic verse, as it is in the works of that great Alamedan poet, Alexander MacPope, I could see some good in it. As it is, however, I see none. I think you do a disservice to your readers when you publish nothing but artless insults in a given day or week.

Please, raise your standards a little, even if it means not publishing absolutely every letter you receive, and restore the literary sheen to your once-proud noosepaper.

Thank you,
Seventh-Generation Alamedan Danielle MacSteele

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I want to be sure you noticed how impartial we are. We publish every letter we receive, and as you can see from the example above, even those writers who don't fully understand our great noosepaper still praise it.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Scoop! of Thai Noodle: King of Destroying Alameda

Dear Roger,

I was circling the block yesterday, waiting for that perfect parking space in front of Ole's Gruel and Hardtack Hovel to open up, all the while fuming about just how bad things have gotten in our pathetic excuses for business districts, when I encountered the most brazen thing I have seen since my days as a singing cocktail waitress in a Navy bar: a sign that reads, "King of Thai Noodle: THE BEST NOODLE HOUSE IN SAN FRANCISCO"!

For a second I thought maybe I had woken up in the wrong town that morning, but I rubbed my eyes and surely enough, there was a big banner nearby that said, "PARK STREET." Listen here, buster, you may have crowned yourself the King of Thai Noodle, but which is it: Alameda or San Francisco?!

Now, maybe this is supposed to be some kind of joke. I know that people like Beka Mackeggie may think that Alameda needs more humor, but Former City Council Candidate and Dave Williamson certainly have her number: "Bekka Mackeggie is a Moron." I mean, how can we trust someone who can't even decide how many k's are in her name? I know Dave Williamson would never get a thing like that wrong, because he is such a bright young man and his research is always so accurate.

However, I would be even more upset to learn that the sign is not a joke. That would mean that my greatest fear has come to pass: those outsiders who want to turn Alameda into San Francisco are starting to get their way! If Park Street is already part of San Francisco, how much longer until my house is also in San Francisco, with all of the dirt, crime, steep sidewalks and world-class art institutions that that entails? I don't want my neighborhood to be crawling with filthy artists!

Worriedly yours once more,
Marlene Verloren

Monday, September 15, 2008

Dave Williamson Agrees: "Bekka Mackeggie is a Moron"


In her letter last week, Former City Council Candidate described Alameda author Beka Mackeggie as a "moron." Ms. Mackeggie asserts that Alameda "is not devoid of humor anymore than Berkeley or Albany are." But one measurement of "humor" is the number of comedy clubs per square mile (CCPSM) relative to the nearest large city with skyscrapers and a subway system, in our case San Francisco.

As the chart below shows, Alameda ranks well behind both Berkeley and Albany, in terms of CCPSM (except in the case of Albany, which is far funnier than its CCPSM alone implies), and far, far behind San Francisco. While Alameda has higher humor levels than, say, Livermore or Fremont (which, despite scoring the same CCPSM, are inherently unfunny), the numbers don't bear out Ms. Mackeggie's assertions. Former City Council Candidate was right.

Dave Williamson

CityLand Area in Square MilesComedy ClubsComedy Clubs per Square Mile (CCPSM)
San Francisco46.6980.1713

Friday, September 12, 2008

Huge Jam Planned for Webster Street

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have learned that the West Alameda Business District intends to create some kind of huge "jam" this weekend, by which we can only assume they mean "traffic jam." We uncovered this dastardly plot by scouring their interweb site for subtle clues like press releases. It seems that they are going to cause the jam by reducing the number of traffic lanes on Webster Street. They then expect the extra space to be filled—in a flagrant violation of Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus"—with roving bands of Scottish dancers and other such "musical" menaces to our way of life in Alameda. Where will it end?

Of course, it's ridiculous to assume that just setting aside some street space is going to cause people to start dancing. That sort of thing might work in Manhattan, where traffic is so bad that people are forced to dance in order to get anywhere, but nobody dances in Alameda—we're an island! Those social engineers on Webster Street will soon find out what a failure their deliberate increase of traffic congestion is. And when that happens, it will be the duty of the Alameda Daily Noose and me to say, "We told you so!"

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Former City Council Candidate: "Beka Mackeggie is a Moron"


I hear that Beka Mackeggie is refusing to admit that she was completely wrong about humor not being deadly dangerous. Let me tell you I have had an especially unamusing day, and its her fault for being such a stubborn trouble-maker. She is trying to tell us that everyone should be laughing all the time. Well I haven't laughed since 1979, and I don't plan to start that again anytime soon.

What makes her think there is anything to laugh about? Maybe she's one of those rare people who's lucky enough to be happy once in a while, but we all don't live in this bubble of wonderfulness. It seems to me that her goal is to ban anything that's serious in any way, as if having fewer problems could make anyone more cheerful. Ha!

Beka Mackeggie is a moron.

Former City Council Candidate

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Local Grocery Store Urges Alamedans to Feed the Squirrels

Dear Roger,

I went to the Trader Joe's today -- I do hate trying to find a place to park at South Shore, but I needed to purchase a bottle of Charles Shaw's finest in order to make my famous coq au vin -- and was stunned to see the attached sign. MAKE YOUR SQUIRREL A SANDWICH, with organic peanut butter, no less? Obviously the management of this store has been co-opted by the Bushy-Tailed Menace, and they are shamelessly demanding that we spend our hard-earned dollars, not to mention our precious time, feeding these scuirine pests! Between this shocking display and the bronze squirrel statue already erected at the shopping center, it is obvious that South Shore has become "ground zero" for Squirrel sympathizers. I plan to start growing grapes in Alameda's cool Mediterranean climate and make my own wine, so I can boycott these pro-Squirrel establishments!

Imelda Jackson-Perge

Editor's note:

It's obvious that Miss Jacket-Purse has misinterpreted the meaning of the sign in the photo. The truth is that adding peanut butter and jelly to a Squirrel makes it more palatable in sandwich form, and turning Squirrels into sandwiches is a time-honored means of fighting the Sciurine menace. Once you have bagged your Squirrel, following the excellent example of our future Vice President, Sarah Palin, it is your patriotic duty as an Alamedan to "make it a sandwich," thus converting the bushy-tailed beast from a threat to a source of energy for the Global War on Squirrels.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Last Night's Meeting of Ennui Board Still in Progress

At press time, Alameda's Ennui Board was still wandering the streets in search of those last few citizens who had not yet submitted written or spoken comments on all of last night's agenda. After the Board has received those comments, it will need to carefully add up the numbers for, against, and neutral on the various items requiring a vote of the Board. No votes can be made until every citizen's opinion has been taken into consideration, and it is clear which way the political wind is blowing.

As Ennui Board member Walter Drib explained to the Alameda Daily Noose and me, after knocking on our door to obtain our comments, the only way for any elected body to make a decision is by counting the number of citizens favoring a "no" or "yes" vote. "Too many politicians these days seem to think that the people elect them to make decisions," Mr. Drib complained. "The Ennui Board, on the other hand, recognizes that Alamedans want to make all decisions for themselves. The added benefit of this approach is that the extra time required to collect input often results in matters resolving themselves, usually through a missed opportunity for action."

According to members of the Ennui Board, Inaction Alameda has praised them highly for their thorough research, which invariably leads them to the correct conclusions.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Palin Takes Fight to the Squirrels and Their Allies

Until just a few days ago, the Alameda Daily Noose and I had been in despair over the state of the presidential race. First brave anti-Squirrel crusader Mike Huckleberry was forced to drop out, then came disturbing revelations about John McCain's clandestine ties to Squirrels, and finally Barack Obama was exposed as a kilt-clad Secret Scotsman. Well, all of that changed with McCain's shocking announcement that Sarah Palin, the bible-thumping, gun-toting hockey mom featured in that well-researched Alaskan documentary series "Northern Exposure," will be his running mate.

According to some worthless rag called the Chicago Tribune, Miss Palin is not only taking the fight to the Squirrels, but also the Squirrel-hugging liberal media:

Expect Palin to knock squirrels out of trees across Ohio and Pennsylvania, along with other critters, fur and feathered. Unlike other candidates, she'll probably do her own shooting and skinning, and maybe roast them on sticks, with a pinch of salt, demanding reporters eat some, so they can say it tastes like chicken.
The Alameda Daily Noose and I had been holding out hope of writing in Heidi Wilson for president, but with Palin on the ticket we can finally put aside our reservations about John McCain and vote Republican with a clear conscience. We may not agree with McCain on any of the issues, and we may still believe that he is Soft on Squirrels; however, when we think of Miss Palin drawing a bead on a scurrilous Squirrel, nothing else seems to matter. Almost as exciting, Miss Palin's name will actually be on the presidential ballot! And how can any Right-Thinking Alamedan resist the political allure of roasted Squirrel on a stick?

So watch out, Squirrels and shameless Squirrel-loving "news" media! Well might the hairs on your flea-bitten pelts stand on end. Once this election is over, and Sarah Palin and her running mate, what's-his-name, have been swept to victory, your days will indeed be numbered.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Alameda's Herb Albert Making a Run for the Border

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have it on good authority that local jazz legend and foe of Squirrels Mr. Herb Albert is taking his show back on the road. Mr. Albert will no doubt soon be entertaining audiences in far-flung parts of rural Alameda, and beyond. We are sure that our loyal readers will miss our skillful and timely publications of Mr. Albert's modestly helpful leads in our ongoing investigation of the local Squirrel Problem. Clearly, he has realized that such work is safe in our capable hands, and feels free to pursue his musical ambitions, thanks to the Alameda Daily Noose and me.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Snotty Letter-Writer Tries to Tell Us All How to Shop


I've been hearing some talk lately about supporting local businesses, and it's made me think. Sure, I love hopping in my car and going on a shopping spree at my favorite Target store, but I recently decided to try buying a few small items at stores in Alameda, just to see what it's like.

I have to say, it wasn't as difficult and unpleasant as I'd always imagined. It turns out that there are lots of good-quality products available right here in Alameda, and there are even some great bargains! I wouldn't want to be hasty, but what with new stores and restaurants opening up, I can almost imagine going for entire weekends without leaving town.

My friends all think I'm crazy for even suggesting such a thing, but I'm starting to think that that's what people have in mind when they talk about supporting local businesses. I know it's good for our tax base, and saves me money on gasoline, so I think I might continue with my experiment. Of course, buying things locally isn't for everyone, but I thought some of your readers might be interested in hearing about my novel experiences, so I'll let you know how it goes.

Dawn Diamond

Editor's comments:

This ridiculous letter from some sanctimonious Poindexter is a load of complete hogwash. Everyone knows that it's too expensive to buy from local businesses, which never have anything worth buying anyway. Besides, some of us can't give up buying toilet paper by the forklift pallet. These days, we can barely afford to fill up our SUV's to drive to the outlet store for our monthly groceries, so how are we supposed to pay premium prices for boutique toilet paper in Alameda?

Clearly, it's impossible for anyone to support local businesses and still get everything they need without going bankrupt. It is beyond the Alameda Daily Noose and me how an ignorant little twit like Miss Diamond can lambaste all of us good, honest bargain shoppers for not buying anything in Alameda. Just because she has the luxury of being able to buy "good-quality products" doesn't mean that the rest of us should have to. Any "bargains" that she finds can't possibly be as good as the bargains that we get by driving that extra mile outside Alameda, which can't possibly hurt our tax base, because everyone is already doing it, so what's the problem?

Miss Diamond lives in a fantasy land. She thinks everyone should be forced to buy everything in specialty shops for twice the amount they would charge elsewhere. The Alameda Daily Noose and I bet she doesn't even practice what she preaches; in fact, we're 100% positive that we think we heard from someone who's pretty sure that a friend might have said that Miss Diamond has an entire basement stuffed full of bulk products from Sam's Club, while she expects the rest of us peons to content ourselves with shopping locally. What a filthy rotten hypocrite!

You know what? If that goody-two-shoes Miss Diamond doesn't like the way we shop in Alameda, then she should go live someplace where people already shop the way she wants them to!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Bushy-Tailed Terrorists with Toxic Chemicals Dance across So-Called Newspaper's Front Page

The Alameda Daily Noose and I never read those sorry excuses for Alameda "newspapers" that litter doorsteps all over this town. However, we have it on good authority that the Alameda Puppy Trainer, despite warnings that We Are On To Them, continue to allow Squirrels to run rampant through their coverage of supposedly unrelated "news" items. Just look at this quotation from last Thursday's front page:

"The proposed plan, if implemented, would leave uncharacterized industrial-type wastes in a condition vulnerable to future releases by seismic damage, shoreline erosion, site inundation and incursion by burrowing animals," such as ground SQUIRRELS, wrote George Humphreys, co-chair of the RAB.
It's almost as if the "editor" of that so-called paper is goading the Alameda Daily Noose and me by inserting references to Squirrels on purpose. Of course, everyone who works on that rag is far too ignorant to understand how offensive seemingly off-handed Squirrel references are to Right-Thinking Alamedans. Even if they were aware of it, they aren't even competent enough to tie their own shoes, let alone weave such a fiendishly cunning web of deception.

Of course, just because the Puppy Trainer can't possibly be conscious of how irksome they are, that doesn't mean we are going to let them off the hook. Anyone who mentions Squirrels as much as they do deserves to be treated with suspicion.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Alameda Daily Noose Soon to Be No Longer Soon to Be Award Winning

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are pleased to announce that our relentless coverage of our soon-to-be-award-winning status has paid off! And when we say "paid off," we mean to the tune of roughly 910,150 U.S. dollars, depending on the exchange rate. Here is the official letter that we received with the happy news that we are now soon-to-be-almost-millionaires:

From: Dell@ms1.vianet.ca 
Sent: Tuesday, September 2, 2008 3:18 AM
To: rogergrumbel@gmail.com

Dell Award Notification

We are delighted to inform you that you are one
of the THREE LUCKY WINNERS whose e-mail address
won the sum payout of 500,000 pounds.(Five
Hundred Thousand Pounds Sterlings Only) in the

Please be informed that all participants were
selected through a computer ballot system drawn
from over 30,000 company and 50,000,000
individual email addresses and names from all
over the world. To file in for your claims,
contact our claim's agent with your
information as provided below:

Brown Williams

Full Names:......Country:.......
Tel:......Marital Status.........Sex.......
Age:.... Occupation:.... Nationality:.......
Residential Address: .........
How Do You Wish To Receive Your Funds? 1. Cheque
Delivery by Courier 2. Direct Bank Transfer

Mrs Maureen Graham(Information Officer)
The Alameda Daily Noose and I are honored to be chosen for this season's award. We are so eager that we simply can't wait for some slowpoke courier to bring us what we so richly deserve, so we're sending Miss Graham-Cracker our bank account number right away. We only hope that we have figured out how to spend all that money by the time we win the award for the next season!

Monday, September 1, 2008

Labor Day Special: Encore Presentation of Encore Presentation of the Alameda Daily Noose

Editor's Comments: The Alameda Daily Noose and I know how much our readers love for things to stay just the way they are, and that's why our encore presentations of exactly the same material that was published earlier are so popular. In fact, some of them are so popular that they deserve their own encore presentations!

EDITOR'S NOTE: The Alameda Daily Noose and I always get nostalgic on holidays, and Labor Day is no exception. This is a time to for Alamedans everywhere to express their gratitude for those who toil long hours under the most difficult working conditions imaginable to bring you the comforts of modern life: things we all take for granted, like an uninterrupted flow of press releases and grumpy letters to the editor. Today, as we reflect on the Herculean deeds of heroic men and their trusty noosepapers, we're sure that our loyal readers also long for a trip down memory lane. Travel with us now back to the spring of 2007, a time when a young Dave Williamson taught us how to laugh at the mistakes of others, a time when Former City Council Candidate sounded the wake-up call to a community in danger of going soft on Squirrels, a time when those darned teeny-boppers danced too suggestively to the strains of Justin Timberlake's number-six hit, "What Goes Around…Comes Around." Then, on Monday, May 14, 2007, like a smack upside the head in the middle of a cold shower, came a letter from right-thinking Alamedan Morton A. Whitling, a letter so astonishingly good that it changed a sleepy island town forever. Now, through the magic of "copy and paste," let us re-live this historic event together:

Dear Editor,

Thank you so much for the Alameda Daily Noose. It is a beautiful thing. And your television show is just spectacular. I watch every episode over and over again until I have memorized everything you say. Really - if you run into me at the grocery store some time, just quiz me and I am sure that I can quote you back to you, verbatim, from any show since the June 19, 2002 episode. Then again, I might be a bit too "star-struck" to be coherent around you; thank goodness for the Internet where we can carefully compose our letters to the editor and take out all the speling mistakes!

Anyways, my wife Claire is expecting, I am wondering if you and your wife would be godparents to our child (it's a girl!!!) It would be an amazing honor to have a celebrity as "part of the family." We love you all so much and we want our daughter to grow up with you as part of her life.

Your website is just so AMAZING. I love the color yellow; it's so under-used in journalism for some reason. And I just can't get over how impartial you are. And I appreciate you printing only the news that none of the other newspapers will print. It shows that you care about Alameda, and you aren't in the pocket of those fat-cat developers who want nothing more than to turn Alameda into a dirty, crowded city like Oakland.

I just love Alameda. I love getting in my car, rolling down the windows, and smelling the beautiful air generated by our beautiful trees along the street. Sometimes I even take myself for a spin down to the beach, and look at the beautiful high-rises in San Francisco and be thankful that they are far, far away. I love to drive by the Victorians and wave at them, and drive by the apartments and give them dirty looks (and even say "boooooo" when I've had a few too many, but don't tell that to the Mrs.!) This is what makes Measure A great. Alameda. It's what it's all about, and you are there, watching over it for us.

And thank you for standing up to defend Measure A. It's a tireless job, but as a journalist with integrity, you push aside the naysayers and you don't let them have their piece. It's what democracy is all about, and it makes me proud to be an Alamedan-American.


Morton A. Whitling