Jean Kerkwilligers Just Doesn't "Get" Noosepaper 3.0

Dear Mr. Williamson:

I am writing to complain about the changes you have made to the Alameda Daily Noose. First of all, the new colors are really hurting my eyes. The bold, bright yellow and stark, manly black of the Alameda Daily Noose always put me in the mood for a good rant, but as I look at these cool shades of blue, I feel a strange sensation. I think it's called "relaxing" and I don't like it!

I also want to complain about all the advertisements. I don't get it, we fought long and hard to have those ugly billboards banished from Alameda streets and now suddenly you're putting them up all over the interwebs! There ought to be a law against it! I was going to write a grumpy letter to my councilman about it, but I look at these darned colors and suddenly I can't be bothered. Please change everything back, preferably now.

You know, I had high hopes for you, young man, but now I'm starting to wonder. Didn't you promise Roger that you weren't going to change anything? I don't understand, and although I'm seething mad, all I want to do is search for videos of kittens playing the piano on the U-tubes. Darn those new colors!

Sincerely yours,
Jean Kerkwilligers

[Editor note - right from the start we worried that some old loyal readers of the old Alameda Daily Noose may not - how do we put this delicately? - "get" the technologically advanced concept of Noosepaper 3.0. We suggest they educate themselves on the latest marketing trends, which they can read about in the all-new vigorous and youthful Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose by Inaction Alameda. If this doesn't do the trick, maybe they should just go back to their needlepoint or taxidermy or whatever it is they do.]

Dave Williamson to Take Alameda Daily Noose in Exciting New Direction

Dave Williamson, better known to all Right-Thinking Alamedans as the Alameda family man who single-handedly defeated the Evil Developer in the Final Battle of Alamedageddon, otherwise known as the February 2, 2010, special election, plans to bring his vast expertise as a Silicon Valley technologist and entrepreneur to bear in his new role as Editor-in-Chief, Ace Reporter, Pulitzer-Prize-Eligible Photographer, President, Vice-President, Chairman, and Publisher. We here at the Alameda Daily Noose managed to secure an exclusive interview with Mr. Williamson, who spoke with us from his opulent yet tastefully understated Alameda home.

Alameda Daily Noose: Tell us about your plans for the Alameda Daily Noose.

Dave Williamson: Well, we here at the Alameda Daily Noose have big plans for the future. Now, don't get us wrong; Roger Grumbel is a great man, but the Alameda Daily Noose as a brand was growing somewhat stale under his direction. This is understandable, given the way his vision is so narrowly limited by his training in dead-tree journalism. We Silicon Valley technologists understand that today's journalist needs to be intuitively adapted to the agile synergy of the Web 2.0 crowd-sourced ecosystem at higher and higher clock rates. This means leveraging every strategic opportunity to monetize mindshare while incenting brand loyalty.

ADN: Come again?

DW: We're going to put ads on the site.

ADN: Oh, OK. Anything else?

DW: We're planning a massive rebranding campaign to re-launch the Alameda Daily Noose, repositioning it as the premiere example of what everyone is calling "Noosepaper 3.0."

ADN: Don't you mean "Noosepaper 2.0"?

DW: No. We're so advanced, we skipped right over that.

ADN: Wow, "Noosepaper 3.0." That sounds pretty exciting! So, what exactly does this mean in practical terms?

DW: We're changing the colors.

ADN: Anything else?

DW: Did we mention the ads?

ADN: Yes.

DW: Well, let's just say we have a lot more than that up our sleeves.

ADN: Like what?

DW: Oh, look at the time! We're afraid this interview is over. We're so glad we were able to take time out from our busy schedule to give you the opportunity to talk with us.

ADN: Uh…you're welcome.

DW: The pleasure was all yours, we're sure.

Scoop! Roger Grumbel, Alameda Daily Noose Announce Retirement, Introduce Hand-Picked Successor to Head Alameda Daily Noose Media Empire

The crushing defeat of Measure B, colloquially known as "Measure Bagpipe," was a bittersweet victory for the Alameda Daily Noose and me. On one hand, we have helped avert Alamedageddon in the ultimate triumph of Right-Thinking over the Cynical, Hypocritical, Disingenuous, Mendacious, Villainous, Dishonest, and Dishonorable Forces of Darkness that Threatened to Destroy Us All. On the other hand, whither the warrior when all great battles are fought and won? Whither the explorer with no new seas to ply? Whither the hero when all heroic deeds are done? Whither the Alameda Daily Noose and I?

It is therefore with heavy heart and the great humility of which only the Alameda Daily Noose and I are capable that we announce our retirement from the greatest soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper in Alameda…nay, from the greatest publication of any kind in all of Greater Alameda, colloquially known as "the world." Though we will miss living the rough-and-tumble, Devil-may-care life of the News Man in the classic sense, we welcome this opportunity to spend more quality time complaining at length to our family members.

Of course, the abdication of any throne immediately raises the question of succession. Who among men is worthy to inherit the vast Alameda Daily Noose media empire? Fortunately for you, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have given this a great deal of thought, by which we mean, of course, that we had a gut feeling that we subsequently reinforced until we became absolutely convinced of our infallible judgment.

Yes, there is a new kid on the block, a rising star, a breath of fresh air, a new hope that will reinvigorate this grand enterprise: we're talking about the incomparable Dave Williamson, our youthful protégé over at Inaction Alameda News. The Alameda Daily Noose and I have been watching this kid, and believe you us, he's got moxie. He's going places, and he's going to take you with him, whether you like it or not. We have asked, and he has agreed, to succeed us as Editor-in-Chief, Ace Reporter, Pulitzer-Prize-Eligible Photographer, President, Vice-President, Chairman, and Publisher of the Alameda Daily Noose.

Young Mr. Williamson made a solemn vow to remain faithful to the almost impossibly high standards that the Alameda Daily Noose and I have set. In fact, he promised a seamless transition, assuring us that loyal readers would scarcely notice any change whatsoever. The Alameda Daily Noose and I were deeply touched by this, not only because we know that the way we do things is always the best, but also because all Right-Thinking Alamedans agree that changing things is bad. So fear not, loyal readers; you can count on the fact that the Alameda Daily Noose will stay exactly the same as it is today, for ever and ever, amen.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Become a Compost Connoisseur!

I certainly had a nice vacation, but now it's time to put my chemically sensitive nose back on the all-natural granite grindstone, as it were, digging up the latest green living tips for you and your family. This week I'm featuring an instructional video that contains a lot of fantastic information about composting. I don't usually stay up that late watching television, but this was definitely worth it. I knew that those gummi worms needed time to do their eco-friendly work, but I never was sure how to tell when they are finished. Now I know!

Tired of Monthly Air Raids on Alameda

Dear Roger,

What can be done about these monthly attacks by Terrorists?

Every month, almost like clockwork, Alameda is attacked. This has happened for years now. I hear the air raid sirens go off near my house. (It seems to happen right as I'm getting ready for lunch, near the beginning of the month. Come to think of it, I think it always happens on a Wednesday.) It happened just a few minutes ago, in fact, as I write this from my fallout shelter.

(See the attached picture - I'm very proud of the job I did in building it myself, nearly 40 years ago.)

A few hours after each attack, I carefully emerge from the shelter to check if my house is standing. Fortunately, the terrorists have not yet destroyed my house or my neighborhood, but I feel sorry for the neighborhoods that have been attacked, especially if right-thinking Alamedans live there!

Each week after the attack I check the Alameda Daily Noose, and even other noosepapers if I can find them lying around in the gutter, to learn more about this attack. And yet, there is never any mention of the previous day's attack!

Has this reign of terror become so commonplace that nobody even bothers to report about it any more? Alamedans are dying here, and there is never a mention of this. We should do more to honor our fallen brothers.

When will our Mayor declare war on the terror that is striking us on a monthly basis? Is this yet another reason that we must replace Beverly Johnson with a new mayor, one who will fight Terror with Terror? We must find a foreign country that we can blame for these attacks so we can send our young soldiers away to fight the terror on its home soil.

Ever vigilant,

Xavier Snowleopard Jr.

Whew! That Was a Not-So-Close One!

Well, the results are in, and the outcome couldn't be any less ambiguous. By an astoundingly overwhelming 85% to 15% margin, Alamedans have rejected neighborhood libraries, new schools, jobs, open space, sports fields, bike paths, retail, and more frequent bus service, thereby averting Alamedageddon.

Measure B opposition is not just about a couple of Robots, a few Squirrels, or a Bagpipe or two—it's about Zeppelin traffic and parking in front of people's houses on the island of Alameda, with limited access and no viable plans for future bridges, tubes, or Zeppelin mooring masts.

Ridiculous Buck Rogers concepts like neighborhood libraries, robot maids, new schools, flying cars, jobs, time travel, open space, teleportation, sports fields, force fields, bike paths, faster-than-light-speed travel, retail, more frequent bus service, and vast networks of interconnected computers will do nothing to free us from the plague of Zeppelins and rogue parkers that threatens to destroy us all. In the face of all that scary, scary change, the only Right-Thinking remedy is to do nothing. Therefore, let us never forget the clear message of the defeat of Measure B: "Doing something is bad."

Shedding New Light on a Very Special Day

According to ancient Alameda folklore, the second day of February is a very special day. If a Right-Thinking Alamedan emerging from the voting booth on this day fails to see his shadow, he will leave the booth, signifying that the old Navy base will soon be developed, thereby ushering in Alamedageddon: the end of Alameda, and also the end of Greater Alameda (otherwise known as "the world"), as we know it. If on the other hand, the Right-Thinking Alamedan sees his shadow, he will supposedly retreat into the voting booth, and the old Navy base will remain undeveloped for six more years.

Of course, this is all a silly superstition, because we all know that everybody will be voting "no" on Measure Bagpipe today, thereby saving Alameda from the ravages of Evil Robots, "Break-Dancing," Squirrels, Bagpipes, and People Parking in Front of Our Houses. Nevertheless, we will go through the empty ritual of casting ballots and running from our shadows, because it is Traditional, which makes it Good. However, just to be on the safe side, members of Inaction Alameda will be setting up huge banks of spotlights just outside the voting booths. These lights will be capable of casting multiple shadows, so with any luck, the old Navy base will stay just the way it is for twelve, eighteen, or possibly even 24 years!