Green Living by Janet Marchant: Green Computing

Most of us Right-Thinking Alamedans are now not only going "green," but we are also learning how to use computers. I am pleased to announce that as of this column, I am now going "green" even in the use of a computer to write this very column!

Yes, instead of using a standard-issue computer made out of toxic materials such as tungsten, copper, bismuth, potassium, silicon, and carbon, my computer is now made of 100%-certified, hand-carved, old- growth, sustainable wood!

This is a beauty. I usually try to avoid pitching specific products in this column, letting you the reader do your own research to find the most green supplier, but I have to break my own rule just this time. I picked up this Kiwi 6ES at Green Depot on High Street for only $399 plus tax. Under the "trunk" this beauty features a quad-core, 3GHz AMC Pentium, 1.6 KB of SSD RAM, and a 20 MB Bio-RAID hard drive—enough hard disk space to hold every word in the dictionary!

But all that raw power means nothing compared to the feeling I get when booting it up every morning, knowing that I'm using green materials when I write my column. Remember, every tree that is turned into a computer or stylish iPod is a tree that can no longer harbor dangerous Squirrels.

So why wait? Join the green computing revolution today!

"Shopping Local" Is Not Good for the Economy

Roger:

A few days ago I was putting down some pages from last week's edition of the Alameda Puppy Trainer on my kitchen floor. Just after my new Shar-Pei (or is it Sharpay?) did his business, I noticed a full-page article exclaiming that Alamedans should "shop local" to help the economy. Normally I don't read what is in the APT, but the text on this page was big enough that I couldn't help but read it. The article was signed by a bookstore that apparently only sells "blue" novels, and an ice cream parlor whose name I couldn't quite make out (due to the puppy's business) but it seemed to be called something-ucker's so even if I could read the whole name, I suspect that it would not be suitable for printing in a family Noosepaper.

The article proclaimed that shopping local businesses was somehow good for the economy. This is not exactly objective reporting, I must say. Two "local" businesses saying it is a good thing? That's neither fair nor balanced. Of course they are going to be saying this. They are probably hurting for business—not surprising considering the immoral nature of their specialties.

Everybody knows that economics is about circulation of money. Circulation means moving around all over, not just moving around a little bit. When your kitchen is smelling just a bit too much like puppy and you want the air to circulate, for instance, you don't just open up a door to another room, you open up a door or window to the outside! You want your blood to circulate all the way around your body, not just around in your foot, right? It's the same with money.

An Alamedan spending money, then, has a duty to help their money circulate far and wide! That means spending your money as far away from Alameda as possible! I like to go to Walnut Creek to spend my money, for example. I also spend money through the mail; the "Fingerhut" catalog people all know me on a first-name basis by now!

Of course, many right-thinking Alamedans don't want to go outside of Alameda, which is a good idea considering how dangerous it is to do so. The best way to help your money circulate, then, is to buy from national businesses who have a local branch in Alameda. If you want ice cream, then, buy it from Baskin-Robbins. If you want coffee, buy it from Starbucks. If you want books—all kinds, and not just "blue" ones—buy them from Borders. Although some of your money will unfortunately stay in Alameda, you can rest assured that most of your money will be circulated to places far away.

Glenn Hurbrook
Harbor Bay Isle

Editor's Note:

Mr. Hurbrook raises some good points! The Alameda Daily Noose and I can think of so many other opportunities to circulate your money to help out the economy! Instead of eating at one of Alameda's "local" restaurants, eat at McDonalds—they have two convenient locations on either end of the Island. Don't use an Alameda-based bank—do your banking at a bank that is based on the other side of the country. Rent your videotapes from Blockbuster, not a local video store. Every time you send your money outside of Alameda, you are pitching in!

Act Now to Halt Bagpipe Contagion

Editor,

Now, personally, I never read any of those so-called newspapers, preferring the balanced coverage of the Alameda Daily Noose, but someone recently forced this appalling clipping into my hand. When I saw what horrors it contained, I felt compelled to send it on to you:

Yes, now there are Irish Bagpipers. Things were bad enough when it was just Scotsmen who were wandering around, menacing the populace with ear-destroying Bagpipes, but now it has become apparent that Bagpiping is contagious. My guess is that the disease of Bagpiping is spread through the air, and possibly also through contact with Tartan. If the Irish have already caught the bug, can the innocent citizens of our own precious island be safe? Lest anyone question the severity of this threat, let me point out that the Bagpipes have clearly already completely clogged the streets of those other nearby cities that are not Alameda. Any fool can see that the density of Bagpipes in those cities has brought with it many other urban ills, including cable cars, Children's Fairy Land, and the excessive tree growth evident in the photo.

If Alameda wishes to avoid a similar fate, we must inoculate our city against Bagpipes. Many of us moved to Alameda because it was a nice, quiet town without a lot of Bagpipe traffic, and we want to keep it that way. Besides, Alameda already has a higher Bagpiper density than any other city in the Bay Area, so it's obvious that we can't allow even one more Pipe band to locate here. Right-Thinking Alamedans must act now to halt the spread of Bagpipes, preferably while wearing protective respirators and earplugs.

Drake Census

Avid Noose Reader Asks Why Some People Are Still Able to Watch TV, Whereas She Can't

Dear Roger:

I was delighted to read Edelina Johannson's letter in the July 6 edition regarding rambling letters. I couldn't have said it better myself.

I was surprised that she mentioned watching Jeopardy. I was under the impression that there was no more television as of a few weeks ago, but I was afraid to ask anybody about it for fear of appearing not "hip" and "cool". Nobody else seemed to be talking about there not being any more TV, so I assumed that I must have missed the news story about TV coming to an end. I just figured that this was the natural progression of things, from Radios to Televisions to Computers.

And yet, here is Ms. Johannson watching Jeopardy? Now I am envious of her! Every day, several times a day in fact, I have turned on my television but all I see is static. It reminds me of that movie from a few years ago where the little girl would turn on the TV and stare at the "snow" and say "They're here." It started out as a good movie but it got too frightening for me after a while, so I turned it off. Anyhow, this is all I see when I turn on the TV now. All my favorite channels are gone.

Do we have to have cable or one of those personal satellites installed in order to watch TV now? Can I receive TV over the antenna like I used to if I pay somebody? I just want my television back -- there's is little left to live for without it.

Most truly,

Annique Moonsanta

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have not yet gotten to the bottom of the T.V. mystery, but our readers don't need to watch T.V. anyway. They can rest assured that they already see all of the moving pictures that are worth seeing, since we publish them in our Award-Winning Noosepaper.

Exemplary Reader Complains About Edelina Johannson's Letter Complaining About Ed Sneering's Letter Complaining About Grumpy Letters to the Editor

Editor,

Edelina Johannson is wrong. Short letters are the problem.

Yours,
E.G.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Your Bookshelf

Sometimes people ask me, "Janet, where do you get all of your neato-keen ideas for saving money and the enviro-whatsis?" upon which I gently remind them that it's pronounced "enviro-mint," as in "mint chocolate chip ice cream." Then I let them in on a little not-so-secret, which is that I often get ideas from pictures or chapter headings in books.

So if you like the way books look with your living room decor, and you're looking for more inspiration in the green living department, don't delay; have some of these titles shipped to you on the fastest jet you can, from your favorite online bookseller:

Anne of Green Gables: the story of a spunky young environmental pioneer who moves to Prince Edward Island to bring the miracle of modern Green Building renovations to a dumpy old farmhouse.

How Green Was My Valley: a man looks back fondly on the beginnings of clean coal technology research in his Welsh home town, where the now booming industry has no doubt made his native valley even greener!

Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe: a woman gets sound advice from her elderly friend about selecting and cooking organic produce and meat alternatives for the restaurant market.

Green Eggs and Ham: this is just the ticket for getting kids excited about free-range, cage-free, free-love eggs and the biodynamic pigs that taste so good with them.

There are plenty more books chock full of Green Living tips, but that should get you started. Unlike some condescending and unhelpful manuals, these books are truly accessible, and provide models for Green Living that Anyone can follow. Why, they even tell you what to do when you get a bad dye job on your hair! Otherwise, I might never have thought of wearing a darling straw hat until my hair grows out again, which should only take a few more months. So what are you waiting for? Let's all bone up on our Green Reading today!

Dismay over Inaccurate Depiction of Historical Alameda

Roger:

I had been hearing "buzz" about a musical production entitled "Ragtime" which I had assumed was a left-thinking, radical feminist production by thespians about women's monthly rituals. Not for me, thank you! But then I came across this video and discovered that the play is actually a story about new immigrants to Alameda, one hundred years ago.

The thought of immigrants started to raise the well-trimmed hackles on the back of my neck, but then I realized that this story took place 100 years ago. So these characters' grandchildren would be well-adjusted Alameda natives by now. All right, that is acceptable.

But then…I looked carefully at the video, searching for something else to get upset about. And, lo and behold, I saw it. The end of the trailer depicts a statue in our beloved bay that I had not seen before. A tall figure, arm raised in defiance, upon a great pedestal. I did some checking in Major's Guide to All Historical Things Alameda, and I confirmed that there was clearly never a statue like this in our offshore waters.

I encourage all right-thinking Alamedans to boycott this show due this his historical inaccuracy. Stay well clear of the so-called "historic" Kaufman auditorium on July 11, 12, 18, 19, 24, 25 and 26! Our city's playwrights must not toy with mixing fact and fiction into their works and confuse a generation of impressionable children in the audience.

Most sincerely,

Jim Crowley
proud Shoreline Drive resident for 5 generations

Editor's Note:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I concur with Mr. Crow's wise advice: Stay far, far away from Kofman Auditorium on all those dates he mentioned. In addition to the high risk of historical inaccuracies, we would also like to point out that Kofman is haunted by a phantom problem that, despite our wildly praised reporting on the issue, is still not fully under control.