Miss Grumpy Alameda Shoots for the Stars, and Sometimes Wounds Them

The newly chosen Miss Grumpy Alameda will soon be heading off to her next hurdle in the competitive world of grump contests, the Miss Grumpy California pageant. In past years, the California title has gone to paragons of grump from other cities, but Alameda's chosen grump could really be a contender this year! We have a good feeling about her chances, and we're not saying that just because we're paid to. Although it's true that we are being paid to promote Miss Grumpy Alameda, we also happen to think that her bid for the Grump trophy is the biggest news of the day, and we would be publishing it even if we weren't being paid.

We wish we could say the same of those other "newspapers" in town. Not a single one of them has even whispered about this earth-shaking development in our community. It's gotten to the point where we are wondering whether we should suggest that we would bribe them to give Miss Grumpy more press exposure, but of course no reputable journalist would ever stoop to offering bribes, even if the undoubtedly corrupt editors of his rival publications would be sure to accept those bribes. So, for the record, we are "not" offering to bribe anyone, and will continue to singlehandedly promote Miss Grumpy Alameda while also being forced to provide the only independent, unbiased coverage of her progress toward her admirable goal.

So far, Miss Grumpy Alameda has successfully submitted her profile and head shots along with the other paperwork required for application to the Miss Grumpy California contest. As stated in her application, Miss Grumpy Alameda's hobbies are whining, complaining, marathon rants, baking cookies, and belittling celebrities. Once, when a film crew showed up in her neighborhood to use the street as a location, Miss Grumpy greeted them and their so-called permit with a loaded shotgun. To this day, she prides herself on having grazed the scalp of a major motion picture star.