Commonsense Legislation Could Have Prevented Latest Shooting Incident

Judging from a recent police report, and from authoritative rumors making the rounds, yeast-related crime is on the rise in Alameda:

Tuesday, February 16

DOUGHNUT DISPUTE: Police said a customer at a Central Avenue doughnut joint smashed a glass sugar bowl after he became angry when some spare custard erupted from the tasty cake. Police said that at 7:05 a.m. today, the suspect became hostile with a worker at the doughnut shop after custard shot out of the top of his doughnut. The pair argued, police said, and the suspect tried to push over a glass display case filled with doughnuts. The suspect then smashed a glass sugar container on the floor of the shop and left. The container was valued at two dollars.

This ugly custard shooting incident underlines the inherent danger of allowing these kind of pastries in our community. Clearly, there would be less anger, and less property damage, if the City of Alameda would simply ban all doughnuts. Yet, when faced with blatant doughnut controversies, our elected officials seem to just glaze over. We can't count on them to fight against the unholy alliance between big Pastry and Big Cream, even when that cream is literally shooting out of doughnuts.

What will it take to wake up Alamedans to the doughnut threat - the blood of a child? Call us old-fashioned, but we think children and life are important.