Thursday, May 31, 2007

When will "Measure Acorn" Critics Start Practicing What They Preach?


I snapped this picture of a Squirrel in my neighborhood. This Squirrel is no doubt one of the recent arrivals to Alameda who insist that while they don't necessarily want to change Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn," they are not familiar with it and simply want to have a forum on the topic to educate the public. These are the same Squirrels that are constantly hugging trees, yet I have personally seen them take shelter under automobiles! You don't see them hiding under bicycles in a rain storm, do you? What a bunch of hypocrites!

Dave Williamson

P.S. — I forgot to mention that I own the new Motorola SQRLZ™ cell phone. Among its many cutting-edge features is a little-known capability: Its built-in camera is able to capture and translate Squirrel brain waves into English, and then superimpose the text onto photographs. I assure you that I have in no way altered the picture you see here.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Somebody somewhere in China is 2,000th visitor* to Alameda Daily Noose

In what will undoubtedly be recorded as the crowning achievement of over 4,000 proud years of Chinese civilization, this Saturday, May 27, 2007, a resident of the city of Qingdao, China, became the 2,000th visitor* to Alameda Daily Noose. Although we don't know the name of this brave ambassador of goodwill to Alameda, we salute his or her impeccable taste in journalism. It just goes to prove what Alameda Daily Noose and I have known for years: The largest, most powerful nations on Earth regularly turn to the Alameda Daily Noose when they want the real scoop on issues that don't really matter.

Although some of them may not recognize the modern spelling of the city's name, Qingdao is well known to beer lovers as the home of Tsingtao Beer. Alameda Daily Noose and I imagine that our Chinese friend probably knocked back a bottle or six before his or her fateful visit* to our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper, the only place he or she could quench his or her thirst for knowledge about the innermost thoughts and desires of our former city council candidates, the timeliness of our publication of random press releases, the virtues of our density-limiting "Measure A," the vices of our super-mega-monster-plex project that everyone hates, the intricacies of our conspiracy theories, and, of course, the grave threat posed by our Squirrels.

So, my fellow Alamedans, please join Alameda Daily Noose and me in extending a hearty "喝啤酒" (pronounced "ha pi jiu" in the local dialect) to our distinguished visitor* from Qingdao!

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Homeowner's tent removed by city over concerns about Measure A

Clifford Grandrougechien of the 3600 block of Central Avenue was forced to remove a large six-person tent from his backyard on Monday. The tent, which Mr. Grandrougechien claimed was set up for a backyard sleepover with his eight-year old daughter and three of her friends, was found to violate Measure A, the city's density limiting law.

Alameda Planning Department Manager said, "I can understand why Mr. Grandrougechien is upset, and it was very difficult enforcing this action, what with all the crying and sobbing on behalf of the little girl. But really, what choice do we have? That tent could be set up for weeks. Add a camp stove and a camping potty and you have a livable unit, and that clearly violates the will of Alameda's voters and the city charter."

The Planning Department Manager added, "I'm sure everyone remembers the great scout campout fiasco of '96. Since that time, we have taken a very aggressive role in processing Measure A concerns. With the help of our state of the art Complaint Possibility Computational System, we are now able to determine whether a possible concern can arise from a given situation and move to deny it before it even has a chance to become a possible problem."

EDITOR'S NOTE: It is important for me, I mean us, to remind you that Measure A allows only two units to be built on a parcel of land and that each unit must have 2,000 sq. feet of property. We fear that by not reminding you of this, the above story might not make sense.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Alameda Daily Noose honors those who made ultimate, penultimate sacrifices

The annual Memorial Day Ceremonies at Alameda's Veterans' Memorial Park at the foot of the Bay Farm Island Bridge will begin this morning at 11:00 AM. In a time when it's so easy to become distracted from the issue at hand, we must remember this Monday to focus all of our thoughts on those brave men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice to protect the freedom we all hold dear. But how, you might ask, would we remember to remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice if it were not for those of us who made the penultimate sacrifice to bring you the story? Yes, that's right, it was the brave journalistic legions of the Alameda Daily Noose who toiled around the clock to bring you the time and place of the Memorial Day Ceremonies.

Although we're far too modest to talk about it, Alameda Daily Noose and I are here, every hour of every day of every week, bravely protecting you, the readers, from the slings, arrows, bullets, and grenades of public discourse that are constantly slung, shot, and hurled our way. When we see a letter to the editor whizzing through the series of tubes that is the interweb, we throw ourselves in its path — without a thought for our own safety — defiantly shouting "Nooooooooooo!" as everything goes into slow motion. We hit the "delete" key, and millions, or at least hundreds . . . well, perhaps dozens of readers are spared from opinions that might jangle disharmoniously with the established thought patterns of right-thinking Alamedans everywhere. Before you can raise your voice to utter a word of gratitude, we've already said it: "No need to thank us, Sir or Ma'am, it's all in a day's work for the Alameda Daily Noose and me."

Friday, May 25, 2007

Alameda History Board rejects planned renovation, demands horses!

At last night's Historical Accuracy Board meeting, the board rejected plans to renovate a former stable that has been used as a garage for nearly 65 years. City planning staff had given a provisional stamp of approval to the project, claiming that the building was in a state of disrepair and in danger of collapsing. Staff cited the decades-long use of the garage for car parking as the appropriate historical context for the building and recommended approving the structural rehabilitation project that would have allowed the homeowners to begin using the building again.

Heroically, the History Board saw through this blatant attempt to rewrite Alameda's architectural history and voted 4-1, with member Marcus Steel dissenting, to recommend denial of the project and require that the applicant return the building to its original horse-housing use.

Homeowners, and horse home-wreckers, Chuck and Myrtle Urbane, attempted to sway the History Board's decision by claiming that it is illegal to house horses in Alameda, and even if it weren't, there is no pasture land for one to let a horse run. The pseudo-animal lovers were visibly upset with the board's vote.

A majority of the board's members were indignant at the idea of destroying a connection to Alameda's agrarian culture and asked city staff to look into whether the city could require Mr. and Mrs. Urbane to purchase horses to house in the building. Said board member Johan Kraze, "Without the actual horses, people driving by the building will be unable to place the building in an accurate agrarian context. Only with this equine addition will our history be truly understood by today's busy motorists."

EDITOR'S NOTE: Measure A protects Alameda's Architectural heritage by barring multi-family homes from being built. While this has no bearing on the issue at hand, we haven't reminded people of that for a while and felt compelled to do so.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Dave Williamson sets the record straight


Elaine Hollandaise should get her facts straight before she presumes to correct the supposed errors of right-thinking Alamedans. First of all, she claims that she and the rest of her D.A.R.L.I.N.G. friends live in Alameda. Anyone who understands logic can see that this is false. Everyone knows that to live in Alameda is to love Alameda. People love Alameda because of that special quality that makes Alameda great. Everyone knows that Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" preserves everything that's great about Alameda. It's common knowledge that D.A.R.L.I.N.G. is out to overturn Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn." That means D.A.R.L.I.N.G. wants to eliminate everything that's great about Alameda, which means that they cannot possibly love Alameda. If they don't love Alameda, then they must not live in Alameda. Q.E.D. So, Elaine Hollandaise may have resided in Alameda for over 40 years, but she most certainly does not live here!

Elaine Hollandaise goes on to claim that the brutal Squirrel attack in San Jose was an isolated incident. Preposterous! If it was an isolated incident, then why did multiple news media outlets cover the story? In addition to the Chronicle article, KPIX TV broadcast shocking coverage of the aftermath of the attack. Intrepid reporter Tony Russomanno, visibly shaken by the horror of the situation, began his report, "Wendy, here in San Jose's Evergreen School District there have been attacks on school administrators by wild boars, a lock-down caused by a mountain lion, but the only time anyone was injured by a wild animal was today, when two parents and an eleven-year-old girl were clawed and bitten by a squirrel. That's right, a squirrel."

Yes, you read that right. This statement proves that Squirrels are more dangerous that wild boars and mountain lions combined! Tell that to the D.A.R.L.I.N.G. deceivers who claim that Squirrels aren't really all that dangerous!

Some Squirrel-coddlers might say, "It can never happen here in Alameda because we have a relatively low density of Squirrels; Manhattan, definitely, Brooklyn, maybe, but never here!" Well, think again. As the Chronicle article I quoted earlier points out, even a low density of Squirrels can be enough to give rise to an attack like this one:

"It's not a heavily infested area, it's not like there are squirrel everywhere," he [school district spokesman Will Ector] said.
But even this horrific attack is just one shot in the opening salvo of the Squirrels' bid for world domination. As the Chronicle reports, it's not difficult to connect the dots in the emerging pattern of violence:
It's not the first aggressive squirrel the South Bay has seen lately. Since the fall, there have been problems at Mountain View's Cuesta Park, with at least four people suffering bites.

Animal control officials attributed the aggressive behavior to a preponderance of food being left around the park, which had emboldened the animals. In one case, a 4-year-old boy was bitten after a squirrel attempted to steal his muffin.

Our precious children and their delicious muffins are not safe! This quotation proves not only that Squirrel-on-human violence is widespread, but also that Squirrels are dangerously emboldenable. Just as criticizing our President's war policy only emboldens our enemies, criticizing Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" policy only emboldens the Squirrels.

So, Squirrel-snugglers, you have a choice to make, one you had better consider very carefully: You can stand with us Human Alamedans on the side of Freedom and Dignity, or you can side with the Bushy-Tailed Terrorists in their sworn struggle to destroy everything that is Right and Good about our town. I ask you: Are you with us, or are you against us?

Dave Williamson

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Nut case who claims to live in Alameda hates dogs and wants to ban them

Dear Editor:

I am writing to correct some errors in Mr. Williamson's letter of Tuesday, May 22. For starters, Mr. Williamson claims that none of the members of D.A.R.L.I.N.G. actually live in Alameda. This couldn't be further from the truth! We are a homegrown Alameda organization. Most of us first met at Washington Park, where we love to sit on the benches with our bags of peanuts and talk — just talk, mind you — about squirrels. All of our members are residents of Alameda. I myself have lived in Alameda for over 40 years.

Mr. Williamson goes on to present a highly sensationalized version of a story about a squirrel "attacking" a school child. This is a crude exercise in fear-mongering that has no basis in fact. What actually transpired appears to have been an isolated incident that produced only minor injuries. Only a relatively small number of squirrel attacks are reported each year, none of which has ever resulted in a fatality. By comparison, there are almost 5 million victims of dog attacks every year. Between 15 and 20 of those victims — most of whom are children — die. If Mr. Williamson is so concerned about protecting children from vicious animals, why hasn't he mounted a campaign to ban dogs?

Elaine Hollandaise
Co-Chair, D.A.R.L.I.N.G.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Dave Williamson to Squirrel-huggers: "The blood of a child? Is that what it will take?"


Your readers should not be fooled by Elaine Hollandaise's D.A.R.L.I.N.G. arguments. She makes a disingenuous plea for rational discussion, "Oh, no, we just want to talk about Squirrels," when, in reality, she and her ilk are plotting to pack Alameda with dense forests of high-rise trees absolutely stuffed to the gills with Squirrels.

These D.A.R.L.I.N.G. agitators, none of whom actually live in Alameda, are just trying to take advantage of the fact that a tiny minority of Alamedans has gone soft on Squirrels. "Oh, but they're so cute," they say, "They're not hurting anyone; can't we all just get along?"

Well, I suggest those Squirrel-huggers try telling that to the parents of the innocent child who was so viciously attacked during a brazen assault on a San Jose elementary school, carried out in broad daylight less than two weeks ago. As the San Francisco Chronicle reported, the hideous creatures have acquired a taste for human blood:

An 11-year-old student and two parents at Evergreen Elementary School got a scare this morning when a squirrel ran into the building and attacked them, drawing blood in two cases, school officials said. . . .

San Jose Police spokesman Sgt. Nick Muyo said police received a call around 8:45 a.m. alerting them to the attack. The student and one of the parents were bitten hard enough to draw blood, he said.
Bitten hard enough to draw blood. Hard enough to draw blood. So, Squirrel-lovers, is that what you want? The blood of a child? Is that what it will take? The blood of child, a red badge of shame smeared all over your Squirrel-petting hands: Is that what it is going to take for you to see the error of your ways?

Dave Williamson

Some crazy lady thinks Squirrels are not a threat

Dear Editor:

As a founding member and co-chair of the community group Delightfully Acrobatic Rodents Living In Neighborhood Greenery (D.A.R.L.I.N.G.), I am writing to express my dismay at your biased coverage and ham-fisted handling of the squirrel issue in Alameda. Instead of providing a valuable public forum for discussion, you are instead using your bully pulpit to whip the townspeople into a frenzy of hatred for our sciurine friends. We here at D.A.R.L.I.N.G. doubt your claim that squirrels pose such a dire threat to our community; in fact, many of us think that they are kind of cute. Could we please discuss the issues calmly and rationally, without all the scare tactics and the hyperbole?

Respectfully yours,
Elaine Hollandaise
Co-Chair, D.A.R.L.I.N.G.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Mayor Johnson Appoints Five members of "Actual Alameda" to City Council

Pictured above: The new Alameda City Council (minus Mayor Johnson; she had to leave the council chambers for a restroom break during public commentary) in their first Brown Act violation.

In a surprise press conference in City Hall this morning - only the Noose was there - Mayor Beverly Johnson unveiled the appointment of five members of "Actual Alameda" to the City Council, balancing the obviously biased elected council with a group of unelected citizens, largely comprised of defeated council candidates, in an effort to bring balance and stalemate to city government.

The new members of the City Council:

1. Gwendolyn Langston (Co-Mayor; Three-time mayoral candidate; Webmaster of 2. Rex Gibson (one-term city council member in 1946, or so he claims) 3. Maitland Newbiggin (City council, resigned after 26 days in office due to one-man Brown Act violation) 4. Katlyn Pawle (suspeciously defeated twice in city council run in spite of hand-delivering home-made chocolate chip cookies to every registered Alameda voter) 5. Jacki Ehret (President, Actual Alameda)

"I'd like to thank Mayor Johnson, shill to developers and Santa Perata, for appointing me and my colleagues," said the new co-mayor Gwendolyn Langston. "We are proud to usher in a new era of backstabbing, innuendo, and belligerence that has never been seen before in Council chambers."

"As your elected Mayor," Co-Mayor Johnson Added, "I'd like to welcome —." Mayor Johnson's speech was terminated quickly by the insertion of several marshmallows into her mouth. Co-mayor Langston continued "— The Alameda Daily Noose and our assembled citizens here for our first historic gathering as a council of ten, which, incidentally, violates the Brown Act, which means I'm going to have to call for the resignation of everybody here."

We will continue to update you as this story develops.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

2:52 PM: Who's Snickering Behind the Backs of S.Q.U.I.R.R.E.L.-H.A.T.E.R.S.!?


The Anti-anti Squirrel sticker is undoubtedly a ploy currently applied / CAPITALIZED ON / employed / exercised / exploited / operated / plied / practiced / put forth / run by noneother than THE SQUIRREL LIBERATION FRONT. (My son just just got me this great new book called The Saurus, no dinosaurs like he thought but its got so many great words)!

In fact as I was driving slow around Mr Williamsons neighborhood looking for the S.U.V pictured in your picture, I heard somebodys sneaky snicker's behind my back.. I looked in the rearview mirror and all I saw was a BUSHIE FLASH OF REDISH FUR! I view this sneaky snickers' sudden appearance as a not to be ignored threat to the preservation of Alamedas-squirrel Limiting "measure Acorn".

THEY will stop/halt at nothing to promote/father their agenda of adding and embedding the Furry Terrorists. I want to know, as most of us right thinking Alamedan's would, WHOSE/WHATS behind these/those particular sneaky snickerings.

Margaret James.
founding Member; S.Q.U.I.R.R.E.L.-H.A.T.E.R.S.!

Anti-Anti-Squirrel Sticker


I snapped this picture of an SUV in my neighborhood. This vehicle is no doubt owned by one of the recent arrivals to Alameda who insist that while they don't necessarily want to change Alameda's squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn," they are not familiar with it and simply want to have a forum on the topic to educate the public. I can claim no credit for the proximity of the "I [heart] Squirrels" sticker to the one beside it that explains it.

Dave Williamson

Saturday, May 19, 2007

1:44 PM: Squirrels Gone Wild! Evil Developers Erect Public Monument to Bushy-Tailed Terrorists!

Recently, presumably under cover of darkness, the Evil Developers of The Shopping Center Formerly Known as South Shore unveiled the starkest evidence yet that they are working hand-in-paw with the greatest threat Alameda has ever known: Squirrels. Yes, right there in a public open space, in full view of everyone, including children, is a life-sized bronze statue of a Squirrel rearing up on his hind legs, poised to unleash a terrible attack on an unsuspecting populace!

Alameda Daily Noose and I have long suspected that the Evil Developers and the Squirrels have been conspiring to create a secret alliance to destroy Alameda. We had warned that Alamedans should not wait until they had "proof" . . . but now we have that proof, in the form of a life-sized bronze statue! Now the unthinkable has come to pass, and it's time for all right-thinking Alamedans to raise your voices (and whatever implements you might just happen to have in your hands) high and shout in protest!

In response to the imminent threat, a new community group has spontaneously organized: "Save Quiet, Unspoiled Islands from Rapacious Rodent Evildoing Limb-Hoppers Attacking, Terrorizing, and Endangering Residents: Squirrels!" (S.Q.U.I.R.R.E.L.-H.A.T.E.R.S.!).

S.Q.U.I.R.R.E.L.-H.A.T.E.R.S.! have issued the order for all right-thinking Alamedans to gather at The Shopping Center Formerly Known as South Shore tonight at twilight. S.Q.U.I.R.R.E.L.-H.A.T.E.R.S.! would like one volunteer to bring a Hummer or other large SUV equipped with a winch, because as our boys in Baghdad discovered, it can be tricky to bring down one of these hideous bronze statues on "people power" alone. The dress code is "angry mob casual"; please bring your own pitchforks and torches.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

10:59 PM: SCOOP! of prunes for only $6.19 per pound

Maybe you've noticed that lately, our publication of articles hasn't exactly been . . . regular. Yes, there's been trouble brewing deep in the bowels of Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters, with our staff straining around the clock to get those stories out. We've been told that you can't rush this kind of investigative journalism, but we recently made a discovery at that local hippie grocery store that finally cured our writers' block. Yes, once again we have scooped all of the other major news media by getting not one, but two scoops of sweet, moist organic California pitted prunes for the absolutely unheard-of price of only $6.19 per pound. Prices like that are sure to keep our staff going for a long, long time!

As our Pulitzer-prize-eligible photograph proves, Alameda is the place to go for bulk quantities of dried-out fruits all packed together. The amazing selection is enough to make shoppers go bananas! Well, dried bananas anyway, at just $2.69 per pound. We're also working on a hot tip from one of the patchouli-drenched tree-huggers at the hippie grocery store that Alameda is also a fantastic place to find large numbers of totally organic California nuts. We hope to have an even bigger scoop on that story soon, so please, don't tell any of the other major news media!

Monday, May 14, 2007

Morton A. Whitling thinks I am a God!

Dear Editor,

Thank you so much for the Alameda Daily Noose. It is a beautiful thing. And your television show is just spectacular. I watch every episode over and over again until I have memorized everything you say. Really - if you run into me at the grocery store some time, just quiz me and I am sure that I can quote you back to you, verbatim, from any show since the June 19, 2002 episode. Then again, I might be a bit too "star-struck" to be coherent around you; thank goodness for the Internet where we can carefully compose our letters to the editor and take out all the speling mistakes!

Anyways, my wife Claire is expecting, I am wondering if you and your wife would be godparents to our child (it's a girl!!!) It would be an amazing honor to have a celebrity as "part of the family." We love you all so much and we want our daughter to grow up with you as part of her life.

Your website is just so AMAZING. I love the color yellow; it's so under-used in journalism for some reason. And I just can't get over how impartial you are. And I appreciate you printing only the news that none of the other newspapers will print. It shows that you care about Alameda, and you aren't in the pocket of those fat-cat developers who want nothing more than to turn Alameda into a dirty, crowded city like Oakland.

I just love Alameda. I love getting in my car, rolling down the windows, and smelling the beautiful air generated by our beautiful trees along the street. Sometimes I even take myself for a spin down to the beach, and look at the beautiful high-rises in San Francisco and be thankful that they are far, far away. I love to drive by the Victorians and wave at them, and drive by the apartments and give them dirty looks (and even say "boooooo" when I've had a few too many, but don't tell that to the Mrs.!) This is what makes Measure A great. Alameda. It's what it's all about, and you are there, watching over it for us.

And thank you for standing up to defend Measure A. It's a tireless job, but as a journalist with integrity, you push aside the naysayers and you don't let them have their piece. It's what democracy is all about, and it makes me proud to be an Alamedan-American.


Morton A. Whitling

Friday, May 11, 2007

People cause traffic


I have a perfect solution for the on-going debate around development and traffic.

Developers want to build homes. The City Council wants to please the developers. Some people want to build a lot more homes. I say let 'em!

The catch is, we just won't let anybody live in them! I believe in business, it is called a win-win situation. No traffic, builders build.

Jimmy James

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

It's time for those who love Alameda to stand up


6 months ago, I received less than 30% of the vote in local Alameda election. I clearly speak for the people of Alameda when I write to you about our problem with squirrels. having received almost one-third of the vote, I have earned a right to define the issues in town and declare which residents love or don't-love, our beloved island city. I'm a former citycouncil candidate afterall!

It's time for people who love Alameda to stand up and denounce those who don't love Alameda. I'm talking about the squirrel lovers. Sure they have cute bushy tails, and their chit-chit-chittering can be oddly calming, but these menaces of our beloved greenspace have got to go! Anyone who disagrees with me is clearly in the minority and on the take from the pro-squirrel lobby, though I'm sure some are just plain stupid.

I urge all Alamedans who love their town to attend the next council meeting and tell those know-nothings on the council to "Keep Trees Away." Who are these elected officials to think that they represent everyone?


Former City Council Candidate

Monday, May 7, 2007

When Lawn Signs Compete, You Win!

We're so excited here at the Daily Noose that it's election season once more!

Yes, you can't go anywhere in Alameda without seeing ubiquitous yard signs instructing citizens how to vote in the upcoming November election. We thought we'd showcase some of our favorite signs. Being impartial journalists here at the Noose, we are of course pleased to see BOTH sides of the "Keep Measure A" issue.

Some Measure A proponents prefer lower traffic, so they are advocates of high density:

Other Measure A advocates, on the other hand, really truly want low density, in spite of the increase of traffic that this brings:

A very small fraction of Alamedans are not proponents of keeping Measure A no matter what the circumstance, so they have responded with an alternative sign:

Of course, Measure A is not the only item on the November ballot this year! Proposition 13 is back. Here's one of the many signs we've seen around town:

Finally, there's a sign we just don't understand. Perhaps our readers can elucidate us as to the ballot initiative that this corresponds with:

We promise to keep you up to date on all the ALAMEDA:DECISION '07 issues as they arise. It's our journalistic duty to remind you to go out and vote, and vote for Measure A!

Sunday, May 6, 2007

Alameda Daily Noose publishes yet another routine press release . . . but this time, with a twist!

Hey, kids! At first glance, you might think that the following text is a reprint of a press release taken straight from the City of Alameda's Web site. However, if you look closely, you'll see that Alameda Daily Noose and I are not content merely to reprint press releases, like all of the other major news media do, no Siree, Bob! No, we prefer to take the press release, make a few changes here and there, and then neglect to cite the source. Of course, the changes are all made in the interest of clarity and by no means betray any sort of editorial bias on our part. Furthermore, our failure to cite the source is not, as it might first appear to anyone who's taken a high-school-level writing course, an instance of plagiarism; rather, it is a community service to avoid confusing our readers with superfluous information. So, without further ado, here is the much-anticipated press release:

The block of Central Avenue between Oak Street and Park Street will be closed between the hours of 9:00 A.M. and 2:00 p.m. tomorrow, and Tuesday, May 7, 2007. The temporary closure is required to facilitate trenching across Central Avenue, which will bring permanent power to the cine . . . er, I mean, super-mega-monster-plex and parking garage projects that everyone hates. While the public parking lot situated across from the construction project that everyone hates, will remain open via its two driveways on Alameda Avenue, the northern driveway located along Central Avenue will be closed during the street closure hours. As needed, a construction flagman will be available to assist with directing traffic in the parking lot and along Central Avenue during the street closures and to offer hugs and sympathy to disconsolate citizens distraught over the havoc being wreaked upon Our Fair City by this terrible, terrible project that everyone hates.

All surrounding businesses, churches, and their parking lots will remain open during the street closure, and emergency vehicle access will be maintained at all times. Signs placed throughout the surrounding area will provide drivers with information about the temporary street closure. Even though it was included in the original press release, we're not going to tell you the name and telephone number of the person with the City of Alameda whom you should contact for more information, because that person has been a spokespers . . . er, I mean, shill for the super-mega-monster-plex project that everyone hates, and we don't want to give her the opportunity to subject any more Alamedans to her pro-super-mega-monster-plex-project-that-everyone-hates propaganda.

Be the first one of our readers to identify the 11 words that were changed, the 20 words that were deleted, and the 109 words that were added, and you could win a cheesy "award" and a bottle of wine with a whimsical name. For bonus points, identify the one (1) factual error we accidentally slipped into the press release along with our changes, but please do so privately. After all the crowing we did about mistakes on other people's Web sites, we don't wish to have our own journalistic dirty laundry hung out in a public forum, for all to see. Here's a hint: Take a long, hard look at your calendar.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Sign will save us


it's long been understood that signs and bumperstickers solve more problems than thoughtful discussion. As the old saw goes: Sloganeering, it's what's for dinner.

Wanted to let you know we are printing new signs for the upcoming campaign to save Alameda from an overpopulation of squirrels. These stylish new signs will sport a simple, easy to understand message: "Keep Trees Away: Less Acorns = Less Squirrels"

Plenty of community discussion has happened on the issue of squirrel overpopulation and consensus has been reached that now is the time to act. A small group in the community, tree-lovers, a.k.a. those in the pocket of Big Arborist, want to discuss this plan. Enough talking! I talked to my neighbor just yesterday. Like the successful war we are fighting. Shoot now, talk later. That'll show them bushy-tailed rodents.

Janice Lighter-Merv

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Life outside the island?


I've been surprised to see so much discussion about people who might think about leaving the island of Alameda. As a fouth generation Alamedan, I can tell you real Alamedans never even think about leaving the Island.

I've heard talk of "Bay Farm Island" some sort of imaginary "island" that I'm pretty sure doesn't exist. The dock at the end of Otis appears to connect to something, but I'm not clear on what it is.

That's the trouble with all these new people moving to town. They just don't have the necessary mindset to live here. They need to keep their mouths shut until they understand the special uniqueness of Alameda. Once they do, then they can join in civic discussions.

Margaret James

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

7:40PM! Scoop...

Jackson the Basketball player!

In yet another scoop, ADN has read the following website:

which includes a lot of basketball jargon that we here at the noose don't quite understand.

This whole interweb and its vast system of tubes is amazing! A person could get lost in it, if they didn't bring a long a piece of string to unwind behind them so that they could retrace their steps.

12:55 PM: Scoop! Garbage bills may now arrive on a different date

In our never-ending quest to keep you abreast of the news stories that shake your world to its very foundations, Alameda Daily Noose has once again scooped all of the other major news media by reprinting the following announcement from Alameda County Industries, the fine folks who collect our garbage and recycling:

Starting in July, ACI will be sending bills out in three separate batches. As a result, some customers will receive their bill three to six weeks later than they are currently accustomed. Customers on auto-pay should be sure to note the actual date of withdrawal printed on their bill. All bills will still be for three months of service. This change will allow ACI to provide improved customer service.
While all of the other major news media focus on ridiculous distractions like the MacArthur Maze explosion, fire, and freeway closure, we here at Alameda Daily Noose pride ourselves on staying focused on the issues that really matter to Alamedans who never — and we mean never — leave the island. Wherever there's a press release to print, a random newsletter item to quote, or even a phony "pre-enactment" of an event of minor significance to film, Alameda Daily Noose is there for you!