Friday, May 4, 2007

Sign will save us

Rog,

it's long been understood that signs and bumperstickers solve more problems than thoughtful discussion. As the old saw goes: Sloganeering, it's what's for dinner.

Wanted to let you know we are printing new signs for the upcoming campaign to save Alameda from an overpopulation of squirrels. These stylish new signs will sport a simple, easy to understand message: "Keep Trees Away: Less Acorns = Less Squirrels"

Plenty of community discussion has happened on the issue of squirrel overpopulation and consensus has been reached that now is the time to act. A small group in the community, tree-lovers, a.k.a. those in the pocket of Big Arborist, want to discuss this plan. Enough talking! I talked to my neighbor just yesterday. Like the successful war we are fighting. Shoot now, talk later. That'll show them bushy-tailed rodents.

Janice Lighter-Merv

2 comments:

Lon Geddoff said...

Attagirl, Janice!

I only wish more people understood Alameda's unique situation as well as you do.

I understand the need for squirrels, but Alameda already has more than its fair share. Alameda was built before squirrels were a real problem. Newer cities have wider roads and higher speed limits, and that means road kill, which helps keep the squirrel population in check. All of the new trees should be planted in these newer cities that are better able to handle growth in the squirrel population, rather than trying to cram more and more trees and the squirrels they bring into Alameda.

Some people might say I'm a NIMBY, "not in my back yard," but that's not it at all. The fact that trees would be put in my back yard is just a HUGE coincidence. My reasoning about the squirrels is based solely on hard, cold facts and has absolutely nothing to do with my back yard. Hello, has anyone noticed that ALAMEDA IS AN ISLAND?! I rest my case.

Lon

Anonymous said...

Dear A D N,

I write to apologize for Janice Lighter-Merv’s unwitting mischaracterization of our group’s campaign against squirrels. Janice is new to our group and has yet to come into the full understanding of the danger of public discourse. She should not be faulted, however, as she volunteers at the free library on alternate weekends and, consequently, doesn’t have sufficient free time to devote to our cause. You see, squirrels are noxious beasts the overpopulation of which requires serious, uninterrupted study. Please put aside her comments and allow me to set the record straight privately.

Since 1938, my friends and I have been meeting every Tuesday morning in the basement of a local brewpub to actively campaign against new squirrels. We’ve long recognized the potential tragedy of permitting squirrely conduct within city limits, and we will not stand idly by while our beloved Alameda falls under a barrage of nutshells.

Unfortunately, it became apparent early in our mission that our prescient warnings were falling on deaf ears. Whenever we voiced our concerns, persnickety council members required facts and arguments of us before they would “recognize squirrelation as a serious matter.” So foolhardy were these early artificial requests that nothing was really heard by the council, and just look at us today: there are more squirrels than one can shake a stick at.

Around 1976, we realized that these public deliberations constitute impediment to our anti-squirrel cause, so we carefully tailored our campaign to use as few words as absolutely necessary. We believed that our clear outrage would then be heard throughout the chambers of City Hall, without the tedium of facts and arguments to interrupt our campaign. We were wildly successful.

Now, however, there has been a dangerous renewal of interest in facts and argument, especially as they pertain to squirrels. While we do not understand this recent development, we are confident that we can put it down with snide remarks and clever lawn signs, both of which we will carefully confine to ten words or less to avoid saying anything that potentially susceptible to scrutiny and refutation.

So you see, our campaign against squirrels is really a campaign for a simpler way of life. We are simple people. We prefer the good old days when the earth was flat, when castor oil cured the flu, when biofuels powered our horse carriages, and when all this talk and deliberation did not get in the way of popular opinion. As we like to say, “why talk when you can shout!”

Best Regards and enjoy the signs,

Mable Pendegraf