Sunday, May 6, 2007

Alameda Daily Noose publishes yet another routine press release . . . but this time, with a twist!

Hey, kids! At first glance, you might think that the following text is a reprint of a press release taken straight from the City of Alameda's Web site. However, if you look closely, you'll see that Alameda Daily Noose and I are not content merely to reprint press releases, like all of the other major news media do, no Siree, Bob! No, we prefer to take the press release, make a few changes here and there, and then neglect to cite the source. Of course, the changes are all made in the interest of clarity and by no means betray any sort of editorial bias on our part. Furthermore, our failure to cite the source is not, as it might first appear to anyone who's taken a high-school-level writing course, an instance of plagiarism; rather, it is a community service to avoid confusing our readers with superfluous information. So, without further ado, here is the much-anticipated press release:

The block of Central Avenue between Oak Street and Park Street will be closed between the hours of 9:00 A.M. and 2:00 p.m. tomorrow, and Tuesday, May 7, 2007. The temporary closure is required to facilitate trenching across Central Avenue, which will bring permanent power to the cine . . . er, I mean, super-mega-monster-plex and parking garage projects that everyone hates. While the public parking lot situated across from the construction project that everyone hates, will remain open via its two driveways on Alameda Avenue, the northern driveway located along Central Avenue will be closed during the street closure hours. As needed, a construction flagman will be available to assist with directing traffic in the parking lot and along Central Avenue during the street closures and to offer hugs and sympathy to disconsolate citizens distraught over the havoc being wreaked upon Our Fair City by this terrible, terrible project that everyone hates.

All surrounding businesses, churches, and their parking lots will remain open during the street closure, and emergency vehicle access will be maintained at all times. Signs placed throughout the surrounding area will provide drivers with information about the temporary street closure. Even though it was included in the original press release, we're not going to tell you the name and telephone number of the person with the City of Alameda whom you should contact for more information, because that person has been a spokespers . . . er, I mean, shill for the super-mega-monster-plex project that everyone hates, and we don't want to give her the opportunity to subject any more Alamedans to her pro-super-mega-monster-plex-project-that-everyone-hates propaganda.

Be the first one of our readers to identify the 11 words that were changed, the 20 words that were deleted, and the 109 words that were added, and you could win a cheesy "award" and a bottle of wine with a whimsical name. For bonus points, identify the one (1) factual error we accidentally slipped into the press release along with our changes, but please do so privately. After all the crowing we did about mistakes on other people's Web sites, we don't wish to have our own journalistic dirty laundry hung out in a public forum, for all to see. Here's a hint: Take a long, hard look at your calendar.


Anonymous said...

I think the City of Alameda should set-up counseling stations at the corner of Oak & Central and Park & Central to help the thousands (majority of residents) who will be traumatised by this trenching.

This is just another example of the lavish spending of money by the City. Our proposal for the theater called for hampsters running in cages providing all the electricty our proposed project would have needed.


Anonymous said...

Hey there, Dave, that's a pretty good idea, but instead of hamsters, I think we should use SQUIRRELS. Thanks to Janice Lighter-Merv's brave wake-up call, I now realize what a grave threat these bushy-tailed varmints pose to Alameda. If we can get some of those squirrels off the streets and into decent jobs generating power, then we can make the Alameda Theater financially viable with only one screen and a parking lot located down by the waterfront, just like those nice Estuary Park folks were proposing.

Once CFSMMPPTEHFA finally takes its appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court and wins, we can halt construction on the super-mega-monster-plex project that everyone hates and start moving forward rapidly on the environmental impact report for the long term study of the investigation of the feasibility of inquiring into the effects of using squirrels for power, maybe. Assuming we're bold and take that expedited route, we can surely have the theater all ready to go a full month and a half ahead of the gala opening of Spider-Man XXXIII in 2037. As soon as they're born, I'm sure my great-grandchildren will be looking forward to it with much excitement!


Anonymous said...

I can't believe this! First we have to deal with the gridlock caused by the permanant closing of Lincoln avenue down to one lane for the library and now they are closing Central??!! How are we supposed to move around town? I heard that people were being stabbed on Webster Street this last weekend due to the road rage cause by all of this traffic!