Thursday, January 31, 2008

Useless, Big Empty Cans Are Ugly


For the life of me, I don't know why we have to put up with a town that is littered with big empty cans. They are everywhere, even in parks, and they're ugly! They serve no purpose that I can see, and just end up getting filled with trash by people who don't have the sense to drop their food wrappers wherever they're standing, like I do. Somebody needs to do something about this horrible blight.

Terry Jimpson

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Inevitable Failure of Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates Delayed Two Months

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have learned that, according to a so-called memorandum issued January 15, 2008, the spectacular and inevitable failure of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates will be delayed by a whole two months.

The delay is supposedly due to the rain or something, but the journalistically trained eyes of the Alameda Daily Noose and me saw right through that ruse. The real reason for the delay is to deprive Right-Thinking Alamedans of two full months of complaining about the latest abomination to blight our Treasured Island!

The Mayor and her Cronies know how much we were looking forward to attending every infuriating screening held at the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. We Right-Thinking Alamedans are willing to brave the traffic and the crowds so that we can see for ourselves what we knew all along: Nobody goes to the movies anymore, because nobody wants to brave the traffic and the crowds! The Mayor is quaking in her boots at the thought of the grumpy letters to the editor that we will write, announcing the imminent demise of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, so she has ordered her Cronies to delay the opening.

Let it be known that this delay will not slow us down. We will be there, along with thousands of our Right-Thinking friends and family, on the day the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates opens, tickets in hand, ready to prove that we were right about what an awful, unpopular failure it will be. Just be sure that you don't park in our spot in the new parking garage, you know, the one right by the door.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Endorsements by Alameda Daily Noose & Roger Grumbel

President: Mike Huckleberry


Vice-President: Heidi Wilson


Yesterday's letter from a Mr. Leonard Putkin Obama threw Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters into a tizzy. The Alameda Daily Noose and I had grown so cynical and disillusioned about presidential politics that we could hardly muster a tch-tch-tch, to say nothing of an endorsement. All of that changed forever, though, when we opened our hearts and heard Mr. Obama's message of hope.

After a hastily convened editorial conference in front of our bathroom mirror, the Alameda Daily Noose and Roger Grumbel together decided to embrace a new hope for Alameda's future by endorsing presidential candidate Mike Hucklebee.

The incredible story of Mike Hucklebee is the story of Alameda, the story of you and me. His mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.

After teaching himself the three R's—Ranting, Raving, and Right Thinking—in the humble one-room school he fashioned from rolled-up copies of worthless local newspapers, a young Mike Huckleberry donned diving gear and floated down the Mississippi River on a raft. His literary account of his boyhood adventures, Huckleberry's Fins, continues to thrill the children of Alameda to this day.

Fresh out of medical school, Mr. Huxtable met the love of his life, Janet, and in 1984, they settled down to raise a family in a ground-breaking and award-winning television comedy series. The day-to-day family life of Mike, Janet, and their four children, John, Mark, David, and Sarah, delighted audiences throughout Alameda and became a touchstone for a decade.

Once the children went off to college and the show went into reruns, Mr. Huxley wrote his first novel, Brave New World, about how wonderful life in Alameda will be once we are finally rid of the twin plagues of Squirrels and Bagpipes: Everyone is happy all the time, and nobody parks in front of anybody else's house.

As Mr. Obama's letter pointed out, the thing that sets Mr. Huckleberry apart from all of the other presidential candidates is that he is truly a hawk in the Global War on Squirrels. He doesn't just talk tough on Squirrels; he eats them for breakfast…literally!

Sure, other candidates like Fred Thompson and Mike Gravel may seem exciting, but the hard truth is that all of them—young and old, liberal and conservative, Democrat, Republican, and Independent—are Soft on Squirrels. We are at war, and we can't afford to elect a lily-livered president whose quaking finger might slip off of that big red button. For Mr. Hucklebee, on the other hand, the task will be no more difficult than frying up a mess o' Squirrels in the popcorn popper.

For vice-president, the Alameda Daily Noose and I heartily endorse Heidi Wilson, the only other person on the national scene who actually has a plan to save Alameda from the sciurine threat. Like most candidates, especially those who aren't officially in the race yet, Miss Wilson has not gone into great detail on her plan…but suffice it to say that it involves delicious melted cheese.

Miss Wilson, the Alameda Daily Noose and I hereby implore you to throw your hunting cap into the ring. You and Mr. Huckleberry will make an unstoppable ticket, and once you have triumphed this November, we will hardly be able to wait for the inaugural banquet!

Monday, January 28, 2008

Finally, a Presidential Candidate Who Will Kick Some Bushy Tail in 2008

Dear Roger,

This year's presidential race has been a terrible one, with no candidate speaking directly to the true needs of Alamedans. That is, until now. I am pleased as punch to throw my full support behind Arkansas governor Mike Huck-a-bee. How do I know he's the right candidate for me — and you?

Recently, he told a television interviewer: "When I was in college, we used to take a popcorn popper, because that was the only thing they would let us use in the dorm, and we would fry Squirrels in a popcorn popper inthe dorm room."

Now, I'm not sure why he felt the need to go to college to learn how to fry Squirrels, when it's taught in most proper high schools, but it's clear his full support for the goals of Measure Acorn make him the one true candidate for all Right-Thinking Alamedans!

Now if only he would do something about those Bagpipes I keep hearing!

Leonard Putkin Obama (no relation)

Friday, January 25, 2008

Extra! Extra! "The Orphanage" to Be Held Over Another Week at Midtown Movies

Everyone's favorite movie theater in Alameda has another hit on its hands! The Orphanage has been showing to sold-out audiences, according to owner Ed Haskell. The Alameda Daily Noose and I will have to take his word for it, since we haven't seen the movie even once, and don't intend to. We know more about orphans than anyone who might decide to make a movie about them. We're sure this film is a heartwarming tale about clean, well-behaved, deserving children from Alameda earning their own way in the world through daily chores and the sale of subscriptions to a soon-to-be-award-winning internet noosepaper, but we see quite enough of that in our daily lives without having to go to a movie about it. However, anyone who does not run an orphanage should take their children to see this undoubtedly family-friendly cinematic work.

Tickets are $8.00, unless you are paying for someone else's ticket too, in which case you'll need $16.00, and of course children don't get in for free, so be prepared to pay for them if you bring them. Also, matinees are a little cheaper, but just call Midtown Movies if you want details about prices, show times, or what refreshments are available.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Parking Garage Will Certainly Prove to Be the Wrong Size For Alameda


Can you believe that huge parking garage right near City Hall? I just noticed it for the first time yesterday. It must have sprung up overnight. I don't know who would ever want to park there. It's too big! It's obvious that it is going to have way too many spaces!

Of course, when people see all of that empty parking space, they're going to want some of it for themselves. How long do you think it will be before employees at the high school, and City Hall, and nearby businesses, all have their special reserved spaces and their special free permits, and take up two spaces each with their big subsidized vehicles? And then there will be no place for the rest of us to park!

Clearly, there will not be enough spaces in that thing. They should never have built it because it is too small! Don't our City officials realize that people drive cars in Alameda?

Jane Dervish

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Bagpipe-Hugger Roy Avery Makes Ridiculous Claims About So-Called Problems of Low Bagpipe Density


It's time for people to lay off the bagpipe-bashing a bit. There are many of us in Alameda who believe that, if it is done right, a large number of bagpipes can actually coexist harmoniously in a relatively small space. There are parts of our community that could actually be improved by the addition of a few more bagpipes, so let's do our part to accomodate more bagpipes instead of forcing them into more congested urban areas.

Bagpipes can actually have a stimultating effect on a population and its economy. In fact, the presence of bagpipes is one of the reasons that I am able to live happily here. Mr. Census and others should stop trying to blame all of their problems on bagpipes, and start looking at the problems that are being caused by a lack of bagpipes. If you've ever witnessed the pathetic efforts of a lone piper to cover both parts in a duet, you'll know what a tragedy it is when there are not enough qualified bagpipers to go around.

What little bagpiping there is in Alameda is essential to maintaining air circulation on the island. Most people don't realize that we could quickly become enveloped in smog of our own producing if it were not for the exhalations of bagpipers' powerful lungs. You should not be complaining about that bagpiper in your neighborhood, but hailing him as the environmental hero he is. Bagpipers breathe greatly that we may breathe more easily.

If Mr. Census had stayed for more than 30 seconds of the performance on
Saturday, he would have learned that bagpipes are also a healthy alternative to pesticides and other poisons for driving out rats, cockroaches, termites, horseflies, squirrels and other vermin. Those fine, musical lads explained that the powerful vibrations of the bagpipe's drone is too much for inferior creatures to bear, and they go scampering for the nearest way out almost as soon as the music begins. Come to think of it, I think I witnessed an example of such pestilent behavior at the performance in question.

Roy Avery

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Council Must Act to Preserve Priceless Piece of Alameda's History


I am disappointed that one of Alameda's long-time restaurants is being replaced by that "BarSaloona" place, or whatever it's called. I never ate at Luciano's, but I heard it was good. I even peeked inside once, and it looked beautiful, but I just couldn't spend that much money on a meal when there is a perfectly good Wienerschnitzel right around the corner.

Anyway, the real tragedy is that we are going to lose that public art on the front of the building. It symbolizes the deliciousness of food and the importance of mothers in our society. I think the moustache is particularly well done, as well the medal on the chef's chest, which symbolizes award-winning cooking. It really burns my bacon that the Evil Developers want to destroy this priceless piece of our history just so they can get filthy rich by attracting a bunch of mindless yuppies who don't even deserve to live in Alameda to get schnockered at their fancy-schmancy bar-saloon.

Our City Council needs to step in and make sure that the mural is preserved in its original location no matter what business takes over that space. It is part of Alameda's history, and no-one should ever forget that there was some kind of restaurant there once that had wonderful decor, including that mural. If they could leave the inside and outside of the building exactly the way they are, that would be best.

Longing for the good old days,

Brenda Snook

Monday, January 21, 2008

Corruption of Measure Angus: Shocking Footage Shows What Happens…When Bagpipes Attack!


Although we are long-time fans of the traditional German fare offered at Alameda's Wienerschnitzel restaurants, on Saturday the wife and I decided to try out that upstart German restaurant—I think the name was "Species-Crammer," or something like that—just for a lark. Once we overcame our initial disappointment at the lack of a drive-thru window, we found the place pleasant enough, though the food is not very authentic: There was not a single wiener, frankfurter, or hamburger on the menu!

At any rate, we had just ordered our second round of "Budweiser" (which is German for "beer") when we noticed a rag-tag band of musicians setting up to play in the restaurant's bar area. Just then, an unmistakable flash of plaid caught my eye. Tartan! Before I knew it, one of plaid-clad men was fumbling around with something in a suspicious package. "My God, he's got a Bagpipe!" I shouted, but it was too late.

Rog, you would not believe just how much noise a single moth-eaten windbag can produce, drowning out all conversations and demanding everyone's attention! As I dived for cover, my wife bravely pulled out her fancy new "Eye Phone," which she tells me is a camera that can also make telephone calls, and started filming. After 30 seconds I could take no more; I reached over, shut off the camera, and escorted her to safety, being careful not to make any sudden moves that might have drawn the piper's attention. We got out alive, but I doubt the others were so lucky. There were children in there, Roger…children!

I must admit that I sometimes wondered if your coverage of the Bagpipe threat was somewhat…overblown. I told myself it could never happen here, that Alameda's Tartan-limiting Measure Angus would keep us safe from the Scottish threat. How wrong I was! Now I understand that forces of corruption are everywhere at work. Clearly the Mayor and her cronies are trying to make an end-run around Measure Angus by claiming that it only applies to Scottish restaurants like McDonald's. It's this kind of lawyerly nitpicking that puts our children at risk!

I would encourage the pro-Measure-Angus people to immediately focus on finding one new friend or neighbor in Alameda per week to start talking about Measure Angus with, and explain to them the corruption we face in town, and explain the facts behind Measure Angus and expected results of exempting German restaurants from Measure Angus. My wife used her "Eye Phone" to send in her video of the Bagpipe attack by "Gee Mail." Please, double-click on Roger's interweb dingus and show it to a friend. This fight isn't going to be won or lost at the "Stammtisch" tables with the same-old, same-old, it's going to depend on Measure Angus supporters winning over friends and neighbors one-by-one.

Drake Census

Friday, January 18, 2008

5:16 a.m.: New Movie, in which Bamboozlers and Muzzlers Freeze in Hell, Opens Today at Alameda's Midtown Movies

The PG rated fantasy movie "Inferno: Book of Secrets" opens today at Alameda's Midtown Movies, 824 Encinal Avenue. This film is a dramatization of the fate that awaits opponents of Alameda's Squirrel-limiting Measure Acorn, colloquially known as "Measure Acorn," in the afterlife. Rog Grumbel gave it a grade of A+, and the Alameda Daily Noose gave it a grade of A++.

Despite our bitter difference of opinion on the quality of this film, the Alameda Daily Noose and I agreed that one of the best parts was when the hero, Don Tay, first arrives in the Ninth Circle of Hell, which is reserved for the Muzzlers and Bamboozlers who spent their useless lives trying to destroy Measure Acorn. As Don arrives at the shore of a huge, very convincing model of a frozen lake, the movie's narrator solemnly intones:

So, to where modest shame appears, thus low
Blue pinch'd and shrined in ice the Muzzlers stood,
Moving their teeth in shrill Bamboozlement.
Her face each downward held; their mouth the cold,
Their eyes express'd the dolour of their heart.
As great as that part was, our favorite part was the dramatic climax of the film. We don't want to spoil it for those who weren't important enough to be invited to an exclusive sneak preview, so we can't tell you how shocked we were to see Satan depicted in all his computer-generated glory:
Speak of the Devil! To his rear shot forth
A mighty tail, enormous as became
A Squirr'l so vast. Sails never such I saw
Outstretch'd on the wide sea. No plumes had it,
But was in texture like a brush; and this
He flapp'd i' th' air, that from him issued still
A chit-chit-chitting deep within his throat
The likes of which no human ears have heard
Whilst perch'd upon a bench in Jackson Park.
The movie will be shown at 1:00 p.m. and 3:30 p.m. Friday through Sunday and at 3:30 p.m. Monday through Thursday.

Tickets are $7.00 for everyone at matinees, and $8.00 for adults after 6:00 p.m., or $7.50 for people who are adults only before 6:00 p.m., or when the moon is full, except after "c," or when sounded as "a," as in "neighbor" and "Stoneleigh."

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Bill LeFleur-Smensky: It Is Time for Right-Thinking Alamedans to TAKE BACK THE LIBRARY!


The good people of Alameda have been hoodwinked! During its construction, the enormous, sun-blocking building across from the police station was billed as the Alameda Public Library. Well, I went into it last week and I think you'll be as shocked as I was at what I found. Books written by people who do not live in, and — even worse — have never even been to, Alameda!

That's right — books by complete strangers! Wake up, librarians — it's not called the "Everywhere Public Library"! If the city had stayed true to its stated goal, stocking only books written by residents of our treasured isle, the building would've been much smaller, allowing for much more parking. What Right-Thinking Alamedan wouldn't support that?

What can we loyal islanders do? Simple — refuse to read any book not written by a resident of any City That Is Not Alameda. Let's show those fat cats at the library who's boss!

Bill LeFleur-Smensky

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Art Barker Proposes Animatronic Chuck Corica to Delight Children with Tales of 1970's Politics

Dear Mr. Grumbel,

As I read your daily on-line newspaper every day, I am saddened by the negative attitude of so many of your correspondents. Don't they know we live on the best island ever? One need only look to the many resources for knowledge available here, like the Alameda Museum.

What a treasure trove of memories! Who knew that there were once bicycles and dolls on the island? All right-thining Alamedans, of course, but perhaps not everyone. That's where the museum comes in, offering plenty of great information.

I especially like the recreation of Chuck Corica's barber shop. I had no idea that in addition to serving as mayor and playing keyboards with jazz-rock fusion legends Return To Forever, he also cut hair! Was there anything that man couldn't do? The only thing missing is a life-sized animated Chuck, sharing his wisdom with the young people of Alameda.

Also exciting are the opportunities to purchase a piece of Alameda's history. Can you buy a pump organ in the gift shop of New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art or France's The Louvre? I think not! Score one for Alameda!

I encourage all Alamedans to take advantage of the easy access to history. The museum is open almost every day, almost 3 hours a day, during the convenient early afternoon. Be sure to leave a little something in the tip jar as well. Mr. Corica would expect as much.

Art Barker

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

New Arrival to Alameda Bravely Defends the Town He Fell In Love With Against Those Who Would Destroy It

Dear Roger,

As did all Right-Thinking Alamedans, my wife & I forsook a City That Is Not Alameda and moved to the Treasured Island, drawn by its bucolic splendor and ample parallel parking in front of our house. We especially loved the half-built mega-plex that usurped most of the parking on Santa Clara Avenue.

Imagine our shock when we learned that construction on the mega-plex has continued, even nearing completion! Mr. Grumbel, we did not relocate to Alameda just so buildings could be finished willy-nilly right under our noses! We expect things to stay exactly as they were when we arrived: ACLO reviving DAMN YANKEES, trees barren and lifeless, and a half-finished garage/theater forcing the closure of Oak & Central during the busiest traffic times. These are the treasured memories of our very recent past. Let us not sully them by continuing to work!

What's next? Days getting longer instead of shorter? I'll have none of it!

Gruffly yours,
Morman Nailer

Editor's note: The Alameda Daily Noose and I can only assume that by "mega-plex" the author means the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. Normally we would jump all over any "new bee" who made such a glaring gaffe, but we like the cut of Mr. Nailer's jib, so we're going to let it slide.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland is Outraged to See Measure A on Ballot


I opened up the sample ballot that I got in the mail (not that there's any point in voting, but I like to know what I'm refusing to vote on) and what was the first thing I saw? It was a big "A" staring me in the face. Everyone knows that "A" stands for only one thing in Alameda, and that's Tartan-limiting Measure Angus! Oh, that and Squirrel-limiting Measure Acorn…but that's all! We all know what is the real threat, and I am OUTRAGED that those money-grubbing, know-nothing, Council-co-opting DEVELOPERS would try to back-door the vote on the most important law there is in Alameda.

Did they think we wouldn't notice that big "A"? Do they think we're too stupid to realize that changing Tartan-limiting Measure Angus won't do anything to help children or hospitals? I, for one, like children, and I think it's absolutely DISGUSTING to use them for political purposes. I know my own adorable kids would burst into tears if they ever saw Measure "A" on the ballot. You'd like that, wouldn't you, you heartless Measure Angus opponents!

What, you may ask, could be even worse than exploiting children? Well, half of the language on the ballot is about That City That Is Definitely NOT Alameda, and they admit that the ill-gotten gains to be generated from changing Measure Angus will be going directly to That Other City, NOT Alameda!!

We all know how lucrative Bagpipes can be, but AT WHAT COST? AT WHAT COST??? I have no idea what the actual cost is, but I'm sure it's enormous. That is why every Right-Thinking Alamedan needs to show his or her outrage by BOYCOTTING this crooked election. We don't need this change, and we shouldn't even dignify the deceptively abbreviated Measure A with a vote. So don't just vote NO on February 5th; instead, make it NO VOTE!

Yours in OUTRAGE,

Donald Kirkland

Friday, January 11, 2008

Alameda Puppy Trainer Letter-Writer Is Soft on Squirrels

As our loyal readers know so well, the Alameda Daily Noose and I welcome the cogent, well-organized thoughts and reasoned arguments of citizens whose mighty pens of protest are set in motion by righteous indignation at a world full of injustice, immorality, and people parking in front of their houses.

It is therefore with heavy heart that we proclaim our profound disappointment with an otherwise Right-Thinking Alamedan who seems to have lost his way. Although he starts out strong with his innovative ideas for a fresh new approach toward change in so-called municipal government, and then goes on to demonstrate a keen awareness of the arboreal threat, he stops just short of recognizing the One True Threat to our Treasured Island: Squirrels. Oh, and the other One True Threat, Bagpipes.

The real travesty, of course—the action that removes all doubt that the letter-writer has fallen into perdition—is that the chosen venue for publication of his missive was the Alameda Puppy Trainer, and not a certain soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper. However, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are such ardent supporters of the First Amendment that we are not going to let the fact that a letter was sent to a different editor dissuade us from publishing it in its entirety:


Here's where I would take each so-called member of the City Council and Board of Education, and line them each up against a brick wall, and let the Army use the wall and the "dummies" as target practice.

I would encourage the Navy not ever to turn over their land to a bunch of morons, and the so-called Alameda Point would become nothing except housing and medical facilities for armed services personnel.

I wish I was feeling better, so that I could help organize a recall of all elected city officials, as an orangutan could (do) much better. I would also take all three Alameda papers, and use them to pick up feces. They're worthless.

And as for those idiots over in Harbor Bay, I tell the airport to turn on the after-burners full-blast, and shake each and every home until the entire fill is liquidated. Amelia Earhart flew out of the airport, and those stupid people when they bought those homes did so knowing that the airport had been there for decades. I have no sympathy for them.

I know this won't make the papers, because in my city, we do not have free speech.

When U.S. Army Reserve 1st Lt. Chaplain Michael A. Stagnaro returned home after providing our men and women spiritual comfort, there was no welcoming for a man who did his duty. No wonder he moved away, and I am proud that I am able to call him my adopted "nephew."

I'm surprised that these "new" residents don't fly the flag of the Third Reich!

The city is so dumb, they plant these dumb trees, which constantly tear up the sidewalks, instead of putting back the beautiful trees we had, the Japanese cherry blossom trees, like what is in our federal capital. Change the lighting to match the Fernside Homeowners Association with the lower lights, but get rid of the orange sodium lights, and have the regular white.

But Matarrese and the other four dummies consider it more important to spend time worrying about something that is prohibited in the Constitution.

Enough said. Just throw all those bums out. Unfortunately stupidity begets stupidity.

— Rick Freitas
If the Alameda Daily Noose and I weren't so miffed with Mr. Freitas for sending his so-called letter to someone else, we would salute him.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Adoring Reader Promises Prestigious Award for Alameda Daily Noose

In a letter mysteriously tacked onto this Monday's edition, one of what the Alameda Daily Noose and I imagine are our thousands of adoring readers promised to shower yet another golden potential honor onto our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper:

I propose we, the faithful readers of this site, create an award specifically for ADN so it can no longer be the "soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper" and can become a fully fledged, "award-having-since-people-who-read-it-like-it noosepaper." So as far as I'm concerned, we should offer the "Alameda-Daily-Noose-Rocks-My-Socks-Off-Because-Its-Opinion-Dovetails-with-mine-quite-nicely award" to editor Roger Grumbel at our earliest opportunity.
We were all ready to change our masthead to trumpet (modestly, of course) our latest honor, but at the last minute the Alameda Daily Noose held up a hand of caution, reminding me that perhaps we should not count our laurel-bedecked chickens before they hatch. After all, we still have not heard back from that British merchant based in Dubai about the funds for our orphanage, nor have we received our subsequent winnings from the British lottery.

Now don't worry, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are not about to let the unseemly tardiness of a couple of yobs from across the pond color our perception of a Right-Thinking Alamedan who has promised us an award we so richly deserve; however, we're going to wait until that big, shiny trophy arrives at Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters before we make any hasty changes to our venerable masthead.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Jean Kerkwilligers Breaks Her Resolution…But Who Can Blame Her?

Dear Rog,

I have already broken my New Year's resolution to wait until afternoon to read your latest stories and letters. I just can't stop myself from getting on the interweb first thing every day, which means that then I don't have anything to look forward to later in the day. Could you maybe put out a late edition with updates every day so that I will have something else to read? That is, of course, if you can afford the extra printing costs. I understand that interweb ink is expensive, especially the high-quality yellow kind that it seems none of the other major news media can even afford.

Also, don't ever start publishing less often than week-daily, because that would be even worse than only once a weekday. It's hard enough to get through the weekend by constantly re-reading Friday's edition, which I usually have memorized by Monday. If I didn't at least get my Noose every weekday, I would get cranky, and as I am already very cranky, I'm not sure what would happen if I got any more cranky. Please, let's not find out.

Yours truly,

Jean Kerkwilligers

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Actors Will Play the Cast of "Chicago" in Show Based on the Popular Movie

Renée Zellweger, Catherine Zeta-Jones [sic] and Richard Gere are back, as portrayed by actors, singing and dancing their way through a stage musical based on the movie CHICAGO. The Alameda Daily Noose and I recommend it, despite the fact that we don't approve of Hollywood types like Mrs. Jones who insist on inserting extra words like "Zeta" into their names; it reminds us too much of that musician from Manhattan and his elitist extraneous "Knox."

When: January 25 through March 2, Friday and Saturday 8:00 p.m., Sunday 2:00 p.m. There will be no shows on January 27 and February 3.

What: CHICAGO Kander, Ebb, Fosse, directed by Culotte Bankers, musical direction by Jeeps Homilies, choreography by Lane Simony. $15-$24.

Where: Some Theatre in That Other City That Is Definitely Not Alameda.

More information: (510) 522-2208.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Soon-to-Be-Award-Winning Daily Noosepapers Are Much Funnier Than Those Stupid B.L.O.G.S.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are aware that some people like to read humorous things on the interweb, and we want to remind our ever-increasing pool of readers that we have an excellent sense of humor.

That's right: there is more to the Noose than plentiful scoops of investigative reporting, topped with scintillating editorial commentary surrounded by an artful sprinkling of insightful letters. We also provide high-quality, topical humor, like the crispy wafer that goes with a delicious, hard-hitting ice-cream sundae. So enjoy today's hot-off-the-press joke, and go about the rest of your day with a spring in your step and a renewed confidence in the continued "hep-ness" and relevance of your favorite Noosepaper:

Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Carl who?
Car'l get you there faster than a bike.

The joke we've chosen to share with you today is particularly appropriate, because it highlights the silliness inherent in riding a bicycle. After all, what kind of idiot would ride a bicycle in a city that has so much traffic? Oh, wait, that's right—the Chief Justice of the Travel Collaborative, John…Knox…White would, at least as long as the cameras were rolling.

Your enjoyment of this 100% original joke will also undoubtedly be enhanced by the knowledge that the Alameda Daily Noose and I created it all by ourselves, unlike those lazy B.L.O.G.-ers, who just copy their material from somebody else's interweb site.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Democrat Club Can't Tell Noosepapers from B.L.O.G.S.

As the Alameda Daily Noose and I continued to dig through our overstuffed mailbag following our much-deserved Holiday Hiatus, we remembered that we also needed to check our "gee mail." After sifting through a number of rather personal messages concerning enhancement of parts of a man's noosepaper that should not be mentioned in polite company (these must have been sent to the wrong address, because the Alameda Daily Noose and I have no need for such remedies), as well as some notifications from the British Lottery (these too must have been sent in error, because everyone knows that we have already won), we came across this mysterious little missive:

From: barbara kahn
Sent: Tuesday, January 01, 2008 2:40 PM
Subject: how do I get you to post htis?
Attachments: cant decide.doc

I am a good Democrat, but an inexperienced blogger.

After a great deal of fiddling around and a few telephone calls to a Silicon Valley technologist and entrepreneur we know, the Alameda Daily Noose and I managed to open the so-called attachment dingus, which reads as follows:




WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 9th 7;00 pm-9:00 PM

      Hillary Clinton:- Steve Tidrick Oakland attorney
      John Edwaards Paul Cohen Carpenters Union
      Dennis Kucinich Tom Gallagher pres.of the Bernal Heights Democratic Club
      Barack Obama- Wilma Chan
      Bill Richardson Jeff Harris – former pres of Cal Berkelly Dems


The Alameda Daily Noose and I are not sure what to make of all this. First of all, the "gee mail" itself, as well as the so-called attachment, is entirely devoid of praise for us. At first we thought this might be a technical glitch, but another phone call to our friend put that theory to rest.

Now the Alameda Daily Noose and I are not saying that a letter must contain praise in order for us to publish it; after all, we publish every letter we receive, without any editing—unless, of course, it really, really needs our magic touch. Although an occasional letter or six has been known to stick to the bottom of our mailbag, the fact that the letters that get stuck are the ones that don't praise us is nothing but a coincidence. Even so, we encourage our readers to avoid such unfortunate coincidences by remembering to include sufficient praise in each letter.

Now, the thing that really chucks our Corica is the suggestion of any connection between our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper and those Boring, Lame Online Gossip Shops, better known as B.L.O.G.S. We have long suspected that the B.L.O.G.S. are all run by the Democrat Party, since they both seem to go crazy with trying to change things. In fact, we were about to administer a thorough tch-tch-tching to the suspicious gee-mailer when we noticed that she described herself as an "inexperienced blogger" [sic].

Suddenly, the powerful 100-watt bulb of our understanding blazed to life, and we realized that the only good Democrat Club member is a bad B.L.O.G.-er. Once again, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have put ourselves in harm's way to make sure that you, Dear Reader, could be exposed to this unexpected information without upsetting the proverbial apple cart of your Right Thinking. No, no, that's alright; don't mention it…unless you are writing us a letter.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Scoop! of Christmas Cheer from Another Adoring Reader

During our Holiday Hiatus, The Alameda Daily Noose and I were inundated with pleas to publish something, anything—maybe even a press release from some city that is not even Alameda—to help Right-Thinking Alamedans stay in a complaining frame of mind. We understand how important our journalistic masterpieces are to all of you, loyal readers, but it's more important for the Noose and me to have some quiet time in which to recharge our powerful editorial commenting abilities.

Now that we are back, and in top form, it's a perfect time to start catching up on the multitude of letters that have accumulated in our mail bag. So here, freshly dusted off for your up-to-the-minute consumption, is a letter that we know you'll enjoy:

Dear Roger,

Thank you so much for your Phantom of the Kofman pieces on the Alameda Daily Noose. They are a burst of holiday cheer. Len Bossman Paris thinks you’re a hoot. Thanks again, and the entire board of ACLO and our dear departed parents, Superman, and the American Way, not to mention show tune junkies everywhere, wish you the MERRIEST of merry, merry, merry, CHRISTMASES EVER!!!!!!


Bernice “TixRUs” Lampoon
Box Office Manager

My Charity

Alameda Civic Light Opera is a community theater that produces professional-quality Broadway musicals in the SF Bay Area. Its unique technical internship program provides summer jobs for high school and college students, many of whom are at risk.

Alameda Civic Light Opera Inc


Create Your Own Charity Badge

The Alameda Daily Noose and I very much like the parts of the letter that tell us how great we are. We can only assume that by "a hoot" the authors mean "spreading wisdom like a venerable owl perched in the mighty oak tree of journalistic integrity." Oh, and also "feared by Squirrels."

We're not sure about the stuff at the end about making donations, though. Everybody knows that any Right-Thinking Alamedan with enough spare cash lying around to give away would naturally want to send it to the Roger Grumbel Home for Clean, Well-Behaved, Deserving Orphans from Alameda. Besides, our orphans are much cuter and far more deserving than the ones in the picture the authors attached to their letter.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Grumpy Noose Year!

Some bureaucrat must have come up with this idea for changing the number on our calendars every year. It's probably a conspiracy of calendar manufacturers, and the Alameda Daily Noose and I are irritated at being forced to change anything. However, just because the artificial numerical value assigned to the year is changing, that doesn't mean that anything else has to.

As we look back at 2007, we can see many things that Right-Thinking Alamedans ought to insist upon keeping the same in 2008. We can count on Cap'n Everett's annual Yard Sail of course, and the Alameda Cultural Heritage Education Society's ongoing efforts to raise money whenever it doesn't cut into their social schedule too much. With luck, the old Carnegie Library will remain vacant for another year. And, with a last-ditch heroic effort of coordinated complaining, it might even be possible for citizens to postpone the opening of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates.

One other thing that we can be sure will stay the same is the preeminent popularity of the Alameda Daily Noose. The phenomenal number of visitors to our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper is one that will surely keep going up, no matter how much our natural modesty might make us wish that it would simply stay the same.