5:16 a.m.: New Movie, in which Bamboozlers and Muzzlers Freeze in Hell, Opens Today at Alameda's Midtown Movies

The PG rated fantasy movie "Inferno: Book of Secrets" opens today at Alameda's Midtown Movies, 824 Encinal Avenue. This film is a dramatization of the fate that awaits opponents of Alameda's Squirrel-limiting Measure Acorn, colloquially known as "Measure Acorn," in the afterlife. Rog Grumbel gave it a grade of A+, and the Alameda Daily Noose gave it a grade of A++.

Despite our bitter difference of opinion on the quality of this film, the Alameda Daily Noose and I agreed that one of the best parts was when the hero, Don Tay, first arrives in the Ninth Circle of Hell, which is reserved for the Muzzlers and Bamboozlers who spent their useless lives trying to destroy Measure Acorn. As Don arrives at the shore of a huge, very convincing model of a frozen lake, the movie's narrator solemnly intones:

So, to where modest shame appears, thus low
Blue pinch'd and shrined in ice the Muzzlers stood,
Moving their teeth in shrill Bamboozlement.
Her face each downward held; their mouth the cold,
Their eyes express'd the dolour of their heart.

As great as that part was, our favorite part was the dramatic climax of the film. We don't want to spoil it for those who weren't important enough to be invited to an exclusive sneak preview, so we can't tell you how shocked we were to see Satan depicted in all his computer-generated glory:

Speak of the Devil! To his rear shot forth
A mighty tail, enormous as became
A Squirr'l so vast. Sails never such I saw
Outstretch'd on the wide sea. No plumes had it,
But was in texture like a brush; and this
He flapp'd i' th' air, that from him issued still
A chit-chit-chitting deep within his throat
The likes of which no human ears have heard
Whilst perch'd upon a bench in Jackson Park.

The movie will be shown at 1:00 p.m. and 3:30 p.m. Friday through Sunday and at 3:30 p.m. Monday through Thursday.

Tickets are $7.00 for everyone at matinees, and $8.00 for adults after 6:00 p.m., or $7.50 for people who are adults only before 6:00 p.m., or when the moon is full, except after "c," or when sounded as "a," as in "neighbor" and "Stoneleigh."