Some of our more ignorant readers might find themselves wondering what's so special about the number 31,033…why not celebrate something more logical, like 31,030 or 31,040? Well, let the Alameda Daily Noose and me try to put it in terms you can understand. Just as Alamedans are divided into two groups called "Right-Thinking Alamedans" and "Enemies Within," it turns out that numbers are divided into two groups, which mathematicians call "prime" and "chuck." We're not exactly sure what the difference is, but it has something to do with how easy they are to cut.
According to our extensive research, not only is 31,033 a prime number, it is the 3,343th prime number, and 3,343 itself is also a prime number, which means that the Alameda Daily Noose and I are now officially double prime. Yes, we can now say with absolute mathematical certainty that we are twice as great as all of the other major news media put together. We always suspected as much, but it's nice to have it confirmed by hard science.