Lately, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have been looking over some of our past journalistic masterpieces, and wondering, have we been too grumpy? It's not that we could ever be wrong in our evaluation of the hottest issues in our community, but maybe some of them aren't quite as imminently threatening as we thought at first. For example, Squirrels are annoying, without a doubt, but is there really reason to believe that they have a wide network of covert operations underway in Alameda and were responsible for the fraudulent election of our current President, Secret Scotsman Barack Obama?
And speaking of Scotsmen, maybe a little more Tartan-Oriented Development is exactly what our community needs. Of course, that would lead to increased Bagpipe traffic, but there aren't really that many Bagpipers on our streets now. Other communities are already housing more than their share of Bagpipers, and Alameda could easily absorb some of the excess Pipers. The resulting reduction in acoustic competition among overcrowded Pipers would make the entire Bay Area more livable.
Perhaps we were hasty in labeling the mayor as an Evil Robot. Maybe she's just a mildly malicious Robot. And her minions, such as that John Knox White guy, might actually be well-meaning, intelligent people who love Alameda but just happen to disagree with us.
Ha! April Fool! We hope we didn't scare you too much. The Alameda Daily Noose and I realize that not everyone has such a good sense of humor as we do. We'll give you a moment to catch up and understand the tremendous prank we just pulled on you. Are you feeling better now? Don't worry, we know full well that Alameda wouldn't be Alameda without plenty of snap judgments and general grumpiness. Our journalistic integrity demands that we continue to bring you scoops of hard-hitting grump, and stand behind our noble persecution of Wrong-Thinking "Alamedans."