Burn, Baby, Burn, It's a Squirrely Inferno

The Alameda Daily Noose and I interrupt our regularly scheduled hippie-dippy environmentalist column to bring you this urgent dispatch from the front lines of the Global War on Squirrels. Yesterday we received the following "gee-mail" from a mysterious pseudonymous source:

From: Secret Squirrel Lover
Sent: Wednesday, September 02, 2009 1:06 PM
To: Mr Noose
Subject: SFGate: Clumsy squirrel sparks fire near Rossmoor


See? They *are* taking over the world. We may be next.
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This article was sent to you by someone who found it on SFGate.
The original article can be found on SFGate.com here:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2009/09/02/BALM19HG96.DTL
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Wednesday, September 2, 2009 (SF Chronicle)
Clumsy squirrel sparks fire near Rossmoor
Henry K. Lee, Chronicle Staff Writer


(09-02) 12:11 PDT WALNUT CREEK -- A squirrel that became entangled in a power line apparently sparked a wildfire today near the senior residential community of Rossmoor, authorities said.
The two-alarm blaze was reported shortly before 9:30 a.m. in a remote canyon in the hills near Rossmoor on the border between Walnut Creek and Lafayette, said Emily Hopkins, spokeswoman for the Contra Costa County Fire Protection District.
Firefighters contained the blaze, located off a fire trail near Ptarmigan Drive, within an hour. Two firefighters were injured; one suffered an ankle injury and the other a knee injury, Hopkins said.
No evacuations were ordered, and the fire didn't threaten any homes, authorities said.
An undetermined number of Pacific Gas and Electric Co. customers lost their electricity when the squirrel became caught in the power line, authorities said.
The squirrel died, Hopkins said.

E-mail Henry K. Lee at hlee@sfchronicle.com. ---------------------------------
-------------------------------------
Copyright 2009 SF Chronicle

Editor's Comments:

First of all, the fact that this missive is addressed to the Alameda Daily Noose but not to me is a bit suspicious. Here at Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters, most of the mail is addressed to me, which is only natural given that the Alameda Daily Noose and I agreed a long time ago that it was only fair that I should always receive top billing. The really fishy—or, should we say, Squirrely—thing is the author's pseudonym, "Secret Squirrel Lover." Why would a self-professed Squirrel-hugger provide useful dispatches to a sworn enemy? Could this message actually be intended as a warning shot across Alameda's bow? Perhaps there is a trace of triumphant glee in the observation that "we may be next."

The Alameda Daily Noose and I treat such threats very seriously. Astute readers will note that the suicide attack Squirrel in the story cut the power of an unspecified number of victims who might well have been followers of the Alameda Daily Noose. Without access to the valiant, independent voice of the Noose, alone in its tireless reporting on the Global War on Squirrels, how can the rest of the world hope to survive the coming Squirrely inferno?

Dave Williamson sets the record straight

Rog,

Elaine Hollandaise should get her facts straight before she presumes to correct the supposed errors of right-thinking Alamedans. First of all, she claims that she and the rest of her D.A.R.L.I.N.G. friends live in Alameda. Anyone who understands logic can see that this is false. Everyone knows that to live in Alameda is to love Alameda. People love Alameda because of that special quality that makes Alameda great. Everyone knows that Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" preserves everything that's great about Alameda. It's common knowledge that D.A.R.L.I.N.G. is out to overturn Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn." That means D.A.R.L.I.N.G. wants to eliminate everything that's great about Alameda, which means that they cannot possibly love Alameda. If they don't love Alameda, then they must not live in Alameda. Q.E.D. So, Elaine Hollandaise may have resided in Alameda for over 40 years, but she most certainly does not live here!

Elaine Hollandaise goes on to claim that the brutal Squirrel attack in San Jose was an isolated incident. Preposterous! If it was an isolated incident, then why did multiple news media outlets cover the story? In addition to the Chronicle article, KPIX TV broadcast shocking coverage of the aftermath of the attack. Intrepid reporter Tony Russomanno, visibly shaken by the horror of the situation, began his report, "Wendy, here in San Jose's Evergreen School District there have been attacks on school administrators by wild boars, a lock-down caused by a mountain lion, but the only time anyone was injured by a wild animal was today, when two parents and an eleven-year-old girl were clawed and bitten by a squirrel. That's right, a squirrel."

Yes, you read that right. This statement proves that Squirrels are more dangerous that wild boars and mountain lions combined! Tell that to the D.A.R.L.I.N.G. deceivers who claim that Squirrels aren't really all that dangerous!

Some Squirrel-coddlers might say, "It can never happen here in Alameda because we have a relatively low density of Squirrels; Manhattan, definitely, Brooklyn, maybe, but never here!" Well, think again. As the Chronicle article I quoted earlier points out, even a low density of Squirrels can be enough to give rise to an attack like this one:

"It's not a heavily infested area, it's not like there are squirrel everywhere," he [school district spokesman Will Ector] said.

But even this horrific attack is just one shot in the opening salvo of the Squirrels' bid for world domination. As the Chronicle reports, it's not difficult to connect the dots in the emerging pattern of violence:

It's not the first aggressive squirrel the South Bay has seen lately. Since the fall, there have been problems at Mountain View's Cuesta Park, with at least four people suffering bites.

Animal control officials attributed the aggressive behavior to a preponderance of food being left around the park, which had emboldened the animals. In one case, a 4-year-old boy was bitten after a squirrel attempted to steal his muffin.

Our precious children and their delicious muffins are not safe! This quotation proves not only that Squirrel-on-human violence is widespread, but also that Squirrels are dangerously emboldenable. Just as criticizing our President's war policy only emboldens our enemies, criticizing Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" policy only emboldens the Squirrels.

So, Squirrel-snugglers, you have a choice to make, one you had better consider very carefully: You can stand with us Human Alamedans on the side of Freedom and Dignity, or you can side with the Bushy-Tailed Terrorists in their sworn struggle to destroy everything that is Right and Good about our town. I ask you: Are you with us, or are you against us?

Dave Williamson

Squirrel Pies For All!

Mr. Grumbel,

While I know that you have literally hundreds of non-Squirrel-related interests, I can't help but call your attention to an innovation that may turn the tide in the War Against Global Squirrels (WAGS). I refer, of course, to the Squirrel meat pie, or, as our friends in England (a Treasured Isle almost as nice as Alameda) call it, a Squirrel pasty.

Through simple preparation and a thick crust, we can take our Squirrel-shaped lemons and make tasty Squirrel-ade from them! That's a solution Vice-Presidential candidate-in-waiting Heidi Wilson would surely endorse. I hope that one of Alameda's forward-thinking restauranteurs, like Gym's Coffee Clutch, or Ole's Gruel & Hardtack Hovel, follows this lead, and makes fine-tasting Squirrel pies available to all.

Now we can see all those tax-sponsored trees for what they really are - fishing nets of the sky!

Yours in healthy food,
Joolie Childress

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are skeptical that Squirrel pies could be as good as Squirrel melts, but any tool that comes to hand could be useful in the ongoing effort to solve the Squirrel problem. It is important to keep our readers updated on all of the weapons available for their personal or militia-based anti-Squirrel arsenals. Doing so does not in any way indicate that we are abnormally fixated on those deceptively cute and undeniably vicious little Birdseed Raiders.

Movie Provides Exciting New Strategy in Global War on Squirrels

Dear Editor,

As a right-thinking Alamedan, I am, of course, firmly opposed to Squirrels and the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. However, I recently found out about a new film that might give fresh ammunition to the anti-Squirrel forces here in town.

I refer, of course, to "Hot Tub Time Machine." I happened to see a poster for this upcoming feature and noticed that it had a Squirrel, along with several popular Hollywood actors. At first, I was outraged, figuring that this would be yet another Tinseltown picture glamorizing the scuirine menace, in the tradition of the Nutty Squirrels and Rocky the Flying Squirrel. However, a little Internet research proved that this movie might just help humans win the war on Squirrels once and for all!

According to an Australian review, "Hot Tub Time Machine" includes "a wince-inducing projectile vomiting scene in which a squirrel gets plastered and knocked off a ledge." I am not sure if the author means that the Squirrel in the movie drinks to excess, or that one of the human characters vomits on the vile creature. The review notes that "the squirrel lives," but since Alamedans are the best at everything, including projectile vomiting, I have no doubt that we can borrow this cinematic strategy to help rid our island of Squirrels. I can tell you that when this movie opens, I'll be in the front row of the theater, taking notes!

Edith M. Rigiro

Squirrel "False Flag" Operation Impending?

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have learned from sources that the Alameda Squirrel population may be planning on staging a "False Flag" attack in order to justify a fully fledged assault on the human population of Alameda.

Following up on our investigative reporting on terrorist "sleepy cells," the Alameda Daily Noose and I have uncovered another Squirrel Supremacy interweb site which is the online base of operations for the Squirrel so-called "intelligence."

False Flag attacks are military operations in which one group stages a fake attack on their own population in order to generate the urgent patriotism needed to launch a counter-attack against the imagined perpetrator. This technique was used in foreign countries that no Right-Thinking Alamedan has ever heard of, dozens of years ago, but it was more famously documented in the "Gulf of San Leandro" incident, in which the Alameda Squirrel population blew up one of their own walnut trees along the shores of Bay Farm Island, blaming the incident on the Chipmunks. This justified the Alameda Rodent War that lasted over a decade, and finally exterminated every last Chipmunk from the island. (We humans tolerated the battles because, well, we were happy to see those darned Chipmunks go.)

Through our intrepid investigation, we have learned that the Squirrels are ready to try this technique again, probably just before the upcoming election, in order to distract us from going to the polls and voting for the popular Measure "Hate Squirrels." Their plans are to scatter thousands of poisoned acorns throughout the city, enough to kill off several hundred Squirrels, and then blame the incident on the humans. They already have sympathizers in the Alameda Puppy Trainer and the Alameda Fish Wrap, ready to go to press with news stories that call for an all-out war with the human population of our Island City. Their plans, it seems, are to do to the human population of Alameda what they did to the Chipmunks.

If you start running over already-dead Squirrels in the next few weeks as you drive home from your work on the other side of the island, realize that the so-called attack by the humans is not all that it seems. And get ready for an all-out assault from an enraged Rodent population.

Further Disturbing Evidence That Squirrels Are Strategizing

Dear Roger,

Driving to my weekly CAT-scan appointment at Alameda Hospital earlier today, I came across what appeared to be a dead squirrel in the middle of the road. I have never seen such a thing here in Alameda. Mice, Parrots, Opossums, yes, but never a dead squirrel.

I was more than a little alarmed because this is exactly what you warned against back in May, predicting that the squirrels would stage a "False Flag" attack on a portion of their population in order to gain sympathy to start an all-out war.

Please forgive the gruesomeness of the attached image, and if you have children or ladies nearby, don't show them this photo, but I felt compelled to offer this as proof that something is amiss!


If this is indeed what I fear, than this day will be a day that will forever live in infamy, and the term "6/19" will send chills up the spines of our children and grandchildren as they think back about the event that triggered the Great Squirrel War of Alameda.

Frightenedly,

Allen Brackoosh

Local Genius Puts Two and Two Together to Reveal Eight-Legged Menace

Dear Editor:

I was reading something on the computer the other day when I ran across this:


Now, unlike most Americans—or even most Alamedans, for that matter—I'm a genius, so I had no problem figuring out what's going on in the shocking photo above. I know that you will understand in a glance, but I'll spell it out for those of your readers who weren't lucky enough to be born geniuses like us.

Most Alamedans get the question wrong because they can't think outside the box the way we geniuses do. "Spider Or Squirrel"? That's a classic example of what logisticians call a false dicotyledon. Clearly, what's pictured isn't a Spider or a Squirrel, but rather a Spider and a Squirrel!

Yes, Spiders and Squirrels are one and the same. I haven't quite worked out all the details yet, but either Spiders are Squirrels in disguise, or Squirrels are Spiders in disguise. Think about it: When is the last time you saw a Spider and a Squirrel in the same room together? Coincidence? I think not.

Like all of the revolutionary discoveries of geniuses, my Spider-Squirrel hypothesis has been greeted by derisive laughter, first from my wife and kids, then from the guys at work, then from the lady at the lunch counter. I find this highly encouraging, because we all know that the more people laugh at your idea, the more ingenious it must be. We'll see how hard they're laughing when I take that all-expenses-paid trip to Finland to receive my Noble prize in zoo-ology.

At any rate, now that I have uncovered the Spider-Squirrel connection, it would behoove you to look more closely into the potentially subversive activities of that hippie-dippy environmental columnist who writes for you. When she's singing the praises of Spiders, does she realize that she is both undermining Measure Acorn and giving comfort to the enemy in the Global War on Squirrels? I call upon you to conduct a full investigation and immediately terminate her column once you find her guilty as charged.

Sincerely yours,
Dean Mirps

Editor's Comment:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I aren't sure which college Mr. Mirps is the dean of, but we see his point about the Spider-Squirrel connection. That would explain why Squirrels and Spiders are equally frightening. However, let's not be too hasty in our conclusions about Janet Marchant. Her pet Spider is an exception, because Miss Marchant is above reproach. We know this because we find it handy to have her columns to publish on Fridays, which are notoriously slow noose days. She saves the Alameda Daily Noose and me a lot of effort, and is therefore a trustworthy person. So hats off to you, Miss Marchant, and also to that rare creature, the helpful Spider.

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland Expresses Outrage over Squirrel Coverage

Rog,

I have been fuming ever since I read your article about Squirrel self-defense classes on Friday. Thanks for ruining the weekend for me and my family!

Don't get me wrong, the Alameda Daily Noose and all of the other major news media need to pay more attention to Squirrel-related violence, but your failure to mention Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" was an affront to right-thinking Alamedans around the world. I'm sure Mr. Risa's karate chop packs a mean wallop, but everyone knows that "Measure Acorn" is, was and always will be our FIRST line of defense against Squirrels. Biased coverage like this just plays into the hands of the shills for Big Arborist who try to downplay the importance of "Measure Acorn" in limiting Squirrels.

Another shameful tactic of Squirrel apologists is to claim that Squirrels are cute and harmless. DON'T BELIEVE IT FOR A SECOND! Some people have accused me of being paranoid, but now I have proof that all Squirrels are agents of evil. Just this week, 14 Squirrels were arrested and held on espionage charges in the Middle East:

http://worldblog.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2007/07/20/280529.aspx

So far nobody has figured out who employed these Squirrel secret agents, but that's only because those incompetent investigators haven't bothered to ask any right-thinking Alamedans. We know that those bushy-tailed terrorists are the agents of none other than Big Arborist!

So, the next time you see a Squirrel in the park creeping closer and closer, constantly giving you the Beady Eye of Evil, remember: He's not some cute critter begging for a treat, he's SPYING ON YOU and reporting everything back to his puppet masters at Big Arborist!

Keep "Measure Acorn." It's our only hope for victory in the Global War on Squirrels.

Donald Kirkland

Dave Williamson Wants Spy Squirrel Prosecuted for War Crimes

Rog,

I snapped a picture of this Squirrel in front of my house, and as you can see, it had just finished snapping a picture of its own! I'm sure that my house number was visible in the photo. The Squirrel was clearly spying on me. Everyone knows that Squirrels are acting as spies, as reported in the Alameda Daily Noose and the other major news media. It is clear that the Squirrels discriminate against me because I am a Cal fan. Everyone knows that Squirrels have a longstanding relationship with Stanford, and were extremely influential in establishing that team's arboreal mascot.

Can I expect Squirrels to sneak into my front yard in the middle of the night and bury acorns that will grow into massive, property value destroying trees?

Ah, but who indeed, are the ones behind this shady activity. There is plenty of evidence to suggest that this is the work of Big Arborist. I don't actually have any of this evidence, so the City Council needs to investigate this. Perhaps the Alameda Secret Police even need to investigate this as a war crime. After all, everyone knows that Alameda is the front line in the Global War on Squirrels.

Dave Williamson

Local Grocery Store Urges Alamedans to Feed the Squirrels

Dear Roger,

I went to the Trader Joe's today -- I do hate trying to find a place to park at South Shore, but I needed to purchase a bottle of Charles Shaw's finest in order to make my famous coq au vin -- and was stunned to see the attached sign. MAKE YOUR SQUIRREL A SANDWICH, with organic peanut butter, no less? Obviously the management of this store has been co-opted by the Bushy-Tailed Menace, and they are shamelessly demanding that we spend our hard-earned dollars, not to mention our precious time, feeding these scuirine pests! Between this shocking display and the bronze squirrel statue already erected at the shopping center, it is obvious that South Shore has become "ground zero" for Squirrel sympathizers. I plan to start growing grapes in Alameda's cool Mediterranean climate and make my own wine, so I can boycott these pro-Squirrel establishments!

Imelda Jackson-Perge

Editor's note:

It's obvious that Miss Jacket-Purse has misinterpreted the meaning of the sign in the photo. The truth is that adding peanut butter and jelly to a Squirrel makes it more palatable in sandwich form, and turning Squirrels into sandwiches is a time-honored means of fighting the Sciurine menace. Once you have bagged your Squirrel, following the excellent example of our future Vice President, Sarah Palin, it is your patriotic duty as an Alamedan to "make it a sandwich," thus converting the bushy-tailed beast from a threat to a source of energy for the Global War on Squirrels.

"Squirrel War" Clothing Spotted in Alameda

Rog,

As an avid photographer, I'm always on the lookout for nooseworthy events in Alameda that I can contribute to your noosepaper. Yesterday I saw a young man wearing a strange T-shirt that seemed to depict some sort of Squirrel-on-Squirrel violence. I wasn't sure what to think about the image, though the yellow color of the shirt was rather enjoyable.

I would have asked the person wearing the shirt what it signified, but I didn't not wish to approach the hoodlum. Instead, I inconspicuously snapped a couple of professional-quality photographs with my 18-inches-long Canon Maxima telephoto lens.


Do any of your readers know what this shirt means?

Concernedly,

Dr. Jack Schnattmeyer

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I know nearly everything there is to know about the Sciurine Menace; however, unlike those elitist so-called experts, we do not presume to know more than the great unwashed masses that constitute our readership. That is why we ask you, dear unwashed readers, to send your interpretations to us via "gee mail," at rogergrumbel@gmail.com. The quantity and quality of replies will undoubtedly confirm our belief in the wisdom of crowds, particularly those wise enough to carry torches and pitchforks!

Brenda Snook is Completely Wrong, Except For Part About Alameda Daily Noose's Value to the Community

Rog,

I wanted you to know that I agree with what you said about some of those people out there who seem to have an unhealthy obsession with Squirrels. However, as a frequent reader, I couldn't help noticing that the Alameda Daily Noose seems to be in danger of falling into that same trap. Do you realize that you've been running Squirrel stories for the past four days in a row now (not counting the weekend, of course).

Aren't you worried that if Right-Thinking Alamedans read too much about Squirrels they might start to understand and even sympathize with them? As important as it is to make everyone aware of the Squirrel threat, I'm afraid you may have crossed the line into too much Squirrel coverage. Please, step back from the edge of that abyss before it's too late. The Alameda Daily Noose is far too valuable a resource in our community. I don't want to see it fall to friendly fire in the Global War on Squirrels.

Concerned Citizen Brenda Snook

Editor's Comments:

Brenda Snook clearly doesn't know what she is talking about. The Alameda Daily Noose and I run plenty of stories about things other than Squirrels. Miss Snook must not read carefully enough to realize that. As Tom Paine—or was it Tom Petty?—once said, it is "the height of the folly of ridiculousness" to suggest that we could be susceptible to wasting as much time on Squirrels as those nutty researchers and unrealistic "rehabilitators" who seem to think that being a Squirrel is not necessarily cause for punishment. The Alameda Daily Noose and I can't help it that there has been an alarming amount of Squirrel activity lately, on which it was our duty to report.

Running Scared: Squirrels Dash for Cover at News of Latest Huckleberry Victories

Alameda's Squirrel population is clearly getting agitated. The Alameda Daily Noose and I barely escaped with our lives after a recent close encounter. We shudder to think what could have happened if we hadn't had the presence of mind to shout "Hucklebee!" until the whiskered miscreants were frightened off.

Mike Huxtable's recent victories in Kansas and Lousiana, adding to his stunning wins throughout the Squirrel Belt, sent a clear message that voters are not going to stand silently by while the Furry Menace engulfs our great nation. Once Huckleberry becomes President, Squirrels will no doubt stream away from the heart of the country, i.e., Alameda, and cower at our borders, seeking sanctuary in Squirrel-coddling neighbor nations like Canada, Mexico, and Scotland.

Some candidates have indicated that they would cut and run in the Global War on Squirrels, whereas some have said they are willing to fight for 100, 1,000, 10,000, or maybe even 1,000,000 years. Lightweights! Setting a timetable for surrender just means the Squirrels move in for the kill in year number 1,000,001. We are at war, and Mike Hucklebee knows how to keep it that way…forever!

The Squirrels Speak! Is the World Listening?

Dear Roger,

Over the weekend, I found a web [sic] site that could finally give Alamedans a leg up in the Global War on Squirrels. This site actually lets people chat live with a Squirrel!

This morning, I decided to probe the mind of the Squirrel to find out what its diabolical plans are. The transcription follows:

 Q:  What are your plans for Alameda?
 A:  My purpose is to become smarter
     than humans and immortal.

 Q:  What do squirrels think of
     Measure Acorn?
 A:  They do their own thing.

 Q:  Why are squirrels trying to
     take over Alameda?
 A:  Well, it all comes back to
     squirrel world domination now,
     doesn't it?

 Q:  Are squirrels smarter than
     humans?
 A:  I really couldn't say for sure.

 Q:  Do you support John McCain or
     Barack Obama?
 A:  I am in favor of all records
     being broken, at any time.

 Q:  Is Alameda the global
     headquarters of the squirrel
     domination movement?
 A:  I think so, but I'm not sure.
     Ask Lucy if it is.

 Q:  Who is Lucy?
 A:  She is a chat robot based on
     AIML.

 Q:  So it's not just squirrels we
     have to fear, it's robots?
 A:  Ahem. That seems a bit
     negative. Really. It is?

 Q:  Do you read the Daily Noose?
 A:  I read it from time to time.

There you have it -- not only are Squirrels working on immortality, they are reading the Noose to find out what "the other side" is thinking! I urge Alamedans to utilize this vital intelligence-gathering tool.

Imelda Jackson-Perge

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I thank Miss Pepperjack-Purge for her submission, but we would like to point out that we scooped all of the other major news media by alerting Alameda to the threat of Robo-Squirrels way back on May 6, 2008. We are not sure what to make of the fact that the Squirrels are reading our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper "from time to time." Although we hate Squirrels with every fiber—not to mention all of the bran—of our being, we also love to see our Interweb site's hit count rise. Maybe we'll have to place those pesky Squirrels in the same category as "Spam Boughts."

Nightmare Becomes Reality: Squirrel-Hugging Secret Scotsman Becomes Our 44th President

Yesterday was a sad day in the Global War on Squirrels. Due to covert interference of the Bushy-Tailed kind in last November's election, the Great Island Nation of Alameda has now lost a golden opportunity to rout the Sciurine menace once and for all. Instead, we have a new president who is even more Soft on Squirrels than the last. The Alameda Daily Noose and I couldn't be bothered to watch the sham of an inauguration that ushered in this new era of Sciurine appeasement. Alameda should have learned its lesson when that sniveling Chamberlain gave Czechoslovakia to the Squirrels in 1938.

We assume that today's inauguration ceremony ended with a procession of Bagpipes, since there is no longer any need for Secret Scotsman Barack Obama to hide his true identity. The Alameda Daily Noose and I had so hoped for a last-minute miracle, perhaps in the form of staunch Squirrel opponent Miss Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin delivering a devastating flying karate kick to the lead Bagpipe, rendering the whole band harmless, and inspiring the grateful crowd to sweep her into the Oval Office on a wave of ecstatic anti-Squirrel and anti-Tartan sentiment.

Unfortunately, as of press time, we have heard no rumors of such activities at the inauguration, and so must assume that we now have a Squirrel-hugger as our president. We can only hope that he will soon stop prattling on about what he is for, so that he can get down to the serious business of telling us what he is against.

Scoop! of Campus Chaos: Squirrels Continue to Terrorize Hallowed Halls of Academia

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were thrilled that Right-Thinking Alamedan Herb Albert has once again taken time out from his busy touring schedule with his Tijuana Brass Band to send us the following "Gee mail" dispatch from the Collegiate Front of the Global War on Squirrels:

From: marc albert
Sent: Tuesday, November 25, 2008 10:20 AM
To: Roger Grumbel
Subject: UC Eggheads join Global War on Squirrels

UC Davis under the Iron Heel of relentless organized squirrel attacks...Squirrels have attacked campus food supplies, and staged damaging suicide attacks against command and control centers by sabotaging electrical power systems. Wake UP America!

http://www.news.ucdavis.edu/search/news_detail.lasso?id=8845

excerpt:

"In seven years, we went from having no eastern fox squirrels on the campus to having more than 400, and there is currently no sign that their reproduction is slowing down," Krause said this week.

"This is an introduced species that has demonstrated elsewhere that it is prolific, adaptable, invasive and problematic for many reasons."

Krause, who earned a bachelor of science degree in natural resources at Cornell University (another campus well-populated with tree squirrels), said the squirrels' impacts could include:

* Injuries to people: More and more eastern fox squirrels are approaching students on the Quad and at Lake Spafford. No one here has been hurt yet. But in other communities, squirrels have become aggressive food-snatchers, especially from children, and people have been scratched and bitten.

* Competition with native plants and animals: Eastern fox squirrels eat the same foods, such as oak acorns, as native gray squirrels and native birds. Fox squirrels also eat bird eggs and baby birds.

* Damage to teaching plant collections: For example, fox squirrels have begun chewing the bark of redwood trees in the UC Davis Arboretum. Bark damage can weaken and even kill a tree.

* Damage to campus facilities: Fox squirrels have entered campus buildings. Like rats, they have an affinity for chewing on electric wires. On other university campuses, they have crashed the power supply.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I can only hope that the College of Alameda will take this lesson to heart, and start treating the Sciurine Threat seriously. Certainly, it makes little difference whether the various Squirrel factions such as "fox" and "gray" compete with each other for the same resources, and they are all welcome to damage each other's strategic tree outposts as much as they please, but the other trends mentioned in this dispatch are alarming.

Note that the Squirrels seem to concentrate their destructive effort on the young of whatever species they target, for example, snatching food "especially from children." The Alameda Daily Noose and I fear that it may not end there. We were particularly disturbed by the reference to Squirrels having developed a taste for eggs, and even baby birds. Today, it may be baby birds, but before we know it, it could be baby humans!

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland Has It Right about Squirrels, but What's All This Nonsense about More Buses?!

Rog,

Holy smokes! What is Dolores Hepherhumper smoking? I am OUTRAGED at the suggestion that Squirrels are not Public Enemy Number One! EVERYBODY knows that every year in American cities of 70,000 to 80,000 in population, Squirrels kill 157.4% more children than buses! Of course, since I actually love my wife and kids, I don't have time to waste doing research, so I can't cite any "sources" for that number, but it just feels right. Maybe those of you who don't care about your families can check that out for me.

Furthermore, we all know that the average 40-foot transit bus kills 2.6 Squirrels on an average day. Although the 2/5 of a Squirrel that invariably escapes is injured and extremely dangerous if cornered, the overall risk to The Children is still reduced by 212.3% , even if you factor in the danger posed by the rogue fractional Squirrel.

I hate buses as much as the next right-thinking Alamedan - almost as much as I hate people regularly parking in front of my house - BUT I HATE SQUIRRELS MORE. This is war, and war demands sacrifices. That is why I am asking all red-blooded patriotic Alamedans to "take one for the team" by DEMANDING a bus route on their street! It won't be easy, but when the Squirrels see our determination and face the inevitable carnage on our roadways, their resolve will crumble and they will turn their bushy tails and flee our Treasured Island like the cowards they are.

MORE BUSES = LESS SQUIRRELS!

Donald Kirkland

Reader Exposes Truck-Driving Squirrel's Plot to Terrorize Parade Spectators

Dear Roger,

Well, great! It's finally happened. The Squirrels have taken Alameda. Though we fought long and hard, it appears their victory is complete. The duller among us have even elevated them to positions of power.

No sooner did I open today's edition of the Alameda Puppy Trainer than I saw this horrifying image (attached). That's right -- the Squirrels are in charge of our recycling! Who better than a varmint to know what to do with trash? They've even made a Squirrel the mascot for our beloved Fourth of July parade!

But it gets much worse:

http://planetalameda.com

That's right - not only are the Squirrels taking over the world, they've also graduated from school! And they're spreading their filthy lies about trees to our children:

http://planetalameda.com/online_activities.html

What's next - mandatory bushy tails? I never thought I'd live to see the day! Woe is us! Woe is us!

Tearfully,
Imelda Jackson-Perge

Editor's Comments:

Although the Alameda Daily Noose and I deeply appreciate Jack Purge's effort to keep Right-Thinking Alamedans informed about the Sciurine Menace, we strenuously object to any suggestion that the Global War on Squirrels has already been lost. This is just the kind of defeatism that one has come to expect from the "blame Alameda first" moonbats on the loony liberal left, who refuse to recognize that the recent "Measure Acorn" surge is having a great effect on levels of Squirrel-related violence.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I Demonstrate Great Restraint and Good Judgment

After all of last week's hard-hitting, non-Squirrel related stories and other Noose items, there should be no doubt in anyone's mind that the Alameda Daily Noose and I are not obsessed with Squirrels. However, if we needed to prove that fact, we could do so simply by pointing out that we did not report at all on a number of recent minor Squirrel incidents.

For example, it's been a whole year since the skirmish between splinter factions in the Squirrel ranks that is documented in the video above, and we haven't even mentioned it once! Had it not been broken up by the timely intervention of a heroic Pigeon, the fight could have developed into all-out war, or at least something of great significance. And after all, items of great significance are the only kind that we publish.

Anti-Squirrel Thanksgiving Menu from Dave Williamson

Rog,

Here is my amusing photo of an anti-Squirrel Thanksgiving turkey. Note the thoroughness with which my visual critique makes the case against Squirrels. I knew you would find it clever, although my wife doesn't seem to understand the complexity of my humor. She doesn't follow the Global War on Squirrels as closely as I do, which must be why she wasn't laughing during the photo shoot.

Well, I'll show those Squirrels. They must think that just because they're cute and make people laugh, they're better than the rest of us. But I can make people laugh, too. In fact, anything Squirrels can do, I can do better! That's why I've stuffed the turkey full of Acorns.

Also on my Thanksgiving menu are Roasted Root-of-All-Evil Vegetables, I Yam an Evil Squirrel and Marsh-Not-Very-Mellow Casserole, Suffering in Alameda Because Squirrels Suck-otash, and Pumped—with Adrenaline for Fighting Squirrels—kin pie.

Dave Williamson