Sham! Fraud! Squirrels Steal Election!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are deeply saddened to report that our wildest paranoid fantasies have come to pass. No, we're not talking about Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn," which is safe…for now. We're talking about the unprecedented victory of Secret Scotsman Barack Obama and his dangerously inexperienced running mate Joe the Biden, who has never once been described as likely to kill, much less eat, a Squirrel.

The only possible explanation for Mr. Obama's landslide victory is the widespread Squirrel-related voting irregularities that the Alameda Daily Noose and I warned of just yesterday. So great was the level of deception that these irregularities have thus far escaped the notice of even the most eagle-eyed of Right-Thinking Alamedans, though we expect reports to begin trickling in as people think back on what they might have seen and begin to connect the dots.

Unfortunately, we may never truly get to the bottom of this dastardly caper, since the Squirrels and their allies succeeded in passing Measure Q, which eliminates Alameda's Police Secret Fund by repealing Sec. 17-11 of the City Charter. This fund would have paid for "investigation and police work of a secret character," such as determining the extent of Sciurine attempts to steal an election. How foolish of those dullards on our City Council to hand the keys to Our Fair City directly to the Squirrels by putting Measure Q on the ballot in the first place!

Of course, Barack "Angus" Obama's victory completely validates the Alameda Daily Noose's and my decision not to bother voting in this fraudulent sham of an election. Imagine how silly we would have felt if we had spent our precious time casting our ballots, only to have the election stolen by Squirrels! We certainly showed them we're nobody's fools.