Right-Thinking Alamedans Come Within a Whisker's Width of Disenfranchisement

Just as the Alameda Daily Noose and I predicted, there was something Squirrely afoot during Tuesday's election. Reports of irregularities are just starting to come in, and we are sure that more will follow. Here are some highlights from reports we have received so far:

Dave Williamson: "On Tuesday, I had trouble opening a jar of pickles, which delayed my lunch, seriously diminishing the window of time that I had allowed for going to my polling place and watching for sciurine activity. I don't usually have trouble opening a jar of pickles unless it is brand new. It's almost as if someone or something screwed the lid on extra tight, knowing that it would slow me down at that critical point in my day."

Frieda Bellows: "The door to the voting place was really hard to open. I was pushing as hard as I could, and it wouldn't budge. Then someone pointed out that there was a teeny, tiny sign by the door handle that said 'PULL.' The letters on the sign couldn't have been more than two inches high, so how was I supposed to read it? Besides, anyone who expects me to read a sign needs to put it right in front of my face. That the sign was so far below the level of my face makes me think that it must have been deliberately moved sometime before election day, probably by Squirrels."

Lon Geddoff: "It was nearly impossible to park in front of that school where I had to go and vote. There was nothing but parallel parking, and there were all of these other cars in the way when I went to park. I circled the block a few times to see if a better space would open up, but that just made me angrier, because when I turned that first corner, I could see people down the street parking in front of my house and walking to the polls. Don't they know that it isn't safe to walk in neighborhoods where I'm trying to drive my car? I finally got so fed up with trying to parallel park in front of the school that I just double-parked with my blinkers on. It was an emergency, after all. I just know that those Squirrels had something to do with making all of the parking parallel. They tried to thwart me, but I was too smart for 'em."