Just a quick thank you to all you Wrong-Thinking Alamedans out there—presumably the Squirrel-huggers, as we cover so many Squirrel-related issues—for being the second largest readership contingent of our Inaction Alameda noose site for 2008! Right-Thinking readers drove the most traffic to our site in 2008 with 365 visits. (Like all Right-Thinking Alamedans, these readers prefer to drive down the super-information highway all by themselves, just as they drive around our Treasured Island.) They were followed in a close second by what our gut tells us are most certainly Wrong-Thinking users, with a grand total of 1 visit.We here at Inaction Alameda know that these numbers are accurate because our site features a state-of-the-art blinking red hit counter, and we check it every single day.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Yesterday, at precisely 3:24 PM, thanks to the tireless efforts of Right-Thinking Alamedan Lon Geddoff, absolutely nothing happened. Nobody was bamboozled by an Evil Developer's dog-and-pony show, no Squirrels infiltrated yet another City board or commission, no Bagpipes blared within earshot of innocent children, no fancy-schmancy new businesses opened up to create endless traffic by drawing hordes of mindless yuppies to buy their fashionable flub-dubs, and nobody—and the Alameda Daily Noose and I mean nobody—parked in front of Mr. Geddoff's house.
The Alameda Daily Noose and I salute Mr. Geddoff for his bravery in the face of change, and his skill at stopping it through the Power of Grump. In times when we fear that some young people may be in danger of forgetting how to complain, we can only hope that all other Right-Thinking Alamedans will follow Mr. Geddoff's shining example, ensuring many more righteously slow noose days to come.
at 5:18 AM
Monday, December 29, 2008
A major archeological discovery was made quite by accident last Friday when Florence Templeton, 78, a retiree living in the Shady Oaks community, found herself at a large, long-abandoned military base on the westernmost end of the island.
"I was driving North along Main Street," reported Mrs. Templeton, speaking of the boulevard previously thought to be at the far edge of the island, "and I guess I wasn't paying attention because I missed my turn-off onto Tinker avenue to get home. Suddenly I realized that the road had curved to the left, and then I reached a dead-end in the road. I found myself at an unguarded and long-abandoned gateway to what appeared to be a large military establishment."
Word of the unprecedented discovery travelled quickly at Shady Oaks, in spite of Mrs. Templeton's hesitation to tell anybody about the discovery. "I was worried that news of this, if it fell into the wrong hands, might mean more opportunities for the Developers to come in and build more houses on the Island." The Shady Oaks residents quickly banded together to get a court injunction against any development of the historical region.
"It's the discovery of a lifetime," said Dr. Eugenia Phelps, a Professor of Archeology at U.C. Alameda who is leading the expedition to uncover the area's secrets. "The base, or 'Naval Air Station' as the inhabitants called it, is simply immense, and full of astounding sights."
"We found some real treasures right away," Dr. Phelps described.
"Giant bird-like sculptures, perhaps built as a religious offering; An old gymnasium called the 'Bladium,' perhaps named in jest after the radioactive substance which may have been newly discovered; There's an old officer's club in amazing condition that by all indications appears to have been named in honor of a grandfather, perhaps a great-grandfather of the late vice Mayor, Al DeWitt."
"I wish he had been alive to see this beautiful discovery," added Phelps, reminiscing about the popular Alameda resident who passed away several years ago.
Despite the interesting finds, Phelps assessed the overall condition as dismal: Primarily dilapidated buildings, with "who knows what kinds of toxic substances" underground. Primitive aircraft machines that had apparently crash-landed on pedestals when the ancient civilization was crumbling. Houses with no signs of life other than the ubiquitous Squirrels. Cracked roadways sprouting weeds in defiance of the traffic that ended long ago. And large, grassy fields that today would probably be useful only for playing soccer.
"But really, most of it is just buildings with broken windows," Dr. Phelps concluded.
Some birds spotted nesting along the barely-recognizable airfield runways led to a "discovery within a discovery:" that a bird species called the "Least Tern" (Sternula antillarum), long thought to be extinct, is actually thriving in the flat, grassy area, having been spared encounters with human beings for untold generations.
Florence Templeton is delighted that her discovery has made such a splash. "I never thought my life would be meaningful," she mused. "Now, people will remember my name in the history books as the one who discovered this place."
She added, "I wonder what the people who lived here were like? Was life so different for them, or were they just like you and me? I guess we'll never know."
Friday, December 26, 2008
Now that the winter holidays are drawing to a close, you might be thinking about taking down your Christmas light display over the weekend. But wait! If you are using those extra-efficient L.E.D. style lights that I told you about last week, the longer you leave them lit, the more energy you save! If you really want to show how much you care about our planet, you'll want to recycle those lights by re-purposing them for Boxing Day, perhaps by adding a few strings of Rocky Red or Raging Bull Blue. In fact, you may just want to make that festive addition to your home permanent, for year-round energy savings. And think what a difference that will make to your wallet…not to mention the planet!
at 5:44 AM
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Last night, as the Alameda Daily Noose and I were nodding over a stack of back issues, we heard an unusual rustling sound in the hallway. Before our startled eyes, there appeared in the doorway the apparition of a long-departed colleague who went to work for one of those worthless fishwrap "newspapers" (not that we are bitter). She was clothed in a smock made of yellowed tear sheets, and weighted down with copies of the AP Style Manual and other journalistic tomes.
"Rog," the phantom intoned, "Wherefore dost thou sit on thy tuchus when the city hungers for Noose?" With this, she waved a sheaf of papers before her, and the stack of back issues of the Noose rose in the air, enveloping us in a cloud of computer print-outs. When the pages settled, we beheld a vision of Nooses past. Lon Gedoff and Brenda Karl were there, complaining loudly. Dave Williamson had cornered Brenda Snook, and was convincing her that her tax money was being misspent. Such a charming scene had scarce presented itself to us these many years, and the Alameda Daily Noose and I were touched by the Spirit of Grump.
Then, the vision dissolved, only to be replaced by a scene of the present. Right-thinking Alamedans were rising from their beds, rushing to their computers, and searching for the latest edition of the Alameda Daily Noose. Imagine their surprise when no new Noose met their eager gaze. We could see the disappointment in their eyes, soon replaced by a curious indifference that chilled the Alameda Daily Noose and me to the bone.
Once more, the paper-clad phantom waved her hand, and the figures before us fled, to be replaced by a sobering street scene. Music was playing, there were people everywhere, new shops attracted curious shoppers, and strangers waved to strangers merrily parking in front of each other's houses. No-one read grumpy letters to the editor, much less wrote them. In other words, it was a nightmare world the likes of which infects the most unwholesome sleep of the Alameda Daily Noose and me. Nowhere was there grumpiness to be found. The art of complaining was clearly lost, as people on the street greeted one another with compliments and observations of the fine weather.
"Oh, spirit," we cried to the one draped in ad copy, "is this vision what will be, or only what may be?" Her only answer was to hand us a fresh quill pen, dripping ink.
We awoke with a start, and a rush of relief. Then, looking down, we beheld that same quill pen, still wet with ink. What good this would be to an internet Noosepaper, we have no idea, but casting the apparently symbolic quill aside, we rushed to the computer and began to scribe the edition of the Alameda Daily Noose that you see before you now.
Grumpy Christmas, Alameda, and Chuck Corica bless us, every one!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Listen up, all of you grumpy-letter-writers out there. Don't think that the Alameda Daily Noose and I haven't noticed your recent lack of complaining. Just because it's the holiday season doesn't mean you can relax your vigilance against threats to the Alamedan way of life.
The Alameda Daily Noose and I have big holiday plans, too, but you don't see us neglecting our journalistic duty, despite the rising cost of coal for heating our headquarters, and the alarming shortage of orphans for our labor force. It would serve you all right if we were to stop reporting until those letters start flooding in again.
We suppose you were expecting some sort of bonus Noose items to help you counteract the often grump-free atmosphere around this time of year. Bah! What do you think we are, some kind of charity?
at 5:52 AM
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Due to the economic slowdown, and the dismal failure at the ballot of Measure Pea last month, the Alameda City Council is facing the inevitability of budget cuts -- cuts that will result in a drastic reduction in Police and Fire services, which comprise almost three- fourths of Alameda's city budget.
Mayor Beverly Johnson warned of upcoming Police and Fire service reductions in a press conference yesterday, and issued a challenge for citizens of Alameda to do their part to help deal with the upcoming crisis. "Citizens of Alameda, we need you to help us through this budget crisis by pledging to cut back on your needs for Police and Fire services by fifty percent in 2009."
Just as we Alamedans were asked to voluntarily lower our water consumption last Summer by East Bay Muddy Water District, we are now being asked to lower our usage of the Police and Fire Departments so up to half of our brave men and women in uniform can be laid off.
A colorful mailing being sent to all Alameda households next week provides suggestions and strategies for reduction. One side of the card details approaches to police needs. "Don't call 911, not even in an emergency, unless it's a REALLY BIG emergency," reads the card. Examples of "really big" emergencies include bank robberies with hostage-taking, assault of more than five people at a time, and suspicious implosions of tall office buildings. Examples of emergencies that Alamedans are asked to handle without police assistance include squirrel sightings, bank robberies without hostage situations, and assaults of individuals or smaller groups of people.
Furthermore, Alamedans are asked to commit fewer crimes than usual.
The other side of the mailer is about reducing needs for the Fire Department. The card urges people not to leave food cooking on the stove when leaving for a vacation, and recommends that indoor fires take place only in approved fireplaces. [Editor's note: Readers may need to carefully consider recent "green" tips by Janet Marchant for house heating in a recent issue of Alameda Daily Noose, and be extra- careful when lighting fires in the middle of a room.] Electricians are urged to spend just a bit extra to install insulated wire in houses, even when not mandated by building codes.
Since medical emergencies usually result in the Alameda Fire Department being summoned, Alamedans are asked to specify whether or not they will need any fire trucks sent when calling for medical reasons. Unless the medical emergency is happening in the middle of a large house fire, or if a grave injury has taken place at the top of a very tall building, residents are requested to specify "Ambulance Only" service.
The Alameda Daily Noose and I don't plan on needing to call the Police or Fire Department in the future, since we've never had to in the past, but we can only hope that the upcoming cuts are temporary, so that Alamedans can resume their traditional levels of firefighter and police activity.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Webster Street merchant "Kraft Kornucopia" announced yesterday that it is now displaying a tasteful decoration in its front window in celebration of the Christmas Season.
Store owner Samira O'Leary said, in a prepared statement, "My family has had Christmas decorations in our house since late November. I thought, why not bring a bit of that Christmas cheer to my business?" Ms. O'Leary placed a small wreath made out of holly and sprigs of douglas fir, festooned with simulated snowflakes and the words "Peace On Our Earth," in a corner of the store's large window display.
This is the first time in this noosepaper's 150 years of operation that we have known a store owner to exhibit decorations to celebrate any of the mostly religious holidays that occur in December.
Passers-by on Webster Street were a bit surprised to see Christmas decorations in the storefront. While most Alameda neighbors we spoke to were supportive, Ed Richlert was visibly upset. "Sure, a little Christmas cheer is nice to see, but what if it gets out of hand? What if, next year, this business brings in a homemade, clay model of the Nativity scene? Won't that trivialize the holiday? And what if this idea spreads to other cities as well?"
Alamedan Sue Richlert agreed, "I don't mind what people celebrate in the privacy of their own homes, but I don't want to have to look at all that explicit holiday paraphernalia in store windows. I already have to stay home on New Year's Eve because of my confetti phobia. What's next?"
The Alameda Daily Noose contacted leaders of local churches, synagogues, and temples for comment. Neither Rabbi Netan Goldmacher of Adath Israel, just down the street from the shop, nor William Nelson of the Mahayana Buddhist Center believed that it was an idea that would catch on.
Still, Ms. O'Leary was unfazed by the criticism. "I just want to warm people's hearts. And if anybody wants to come by my shop, at 1221 Webster street, to see the decoration, and maybe even do a little bit of gift-shopping, I would be more than happy to welcome them."
at 5:18 AM
Friday, December 19, 2008
It sure does get dark early at this time of year, which makes it all the more pleasant to see our neighbors' displays of colorful holiday lights. But wait! Do you know how much energy those traditional bulbs use? Neither do I, but I recently learned that high-tech, crowd-pleasing Lovely Electric Device (L.E.D.) lights are much more efficient than any other kind, including candles. Since L.E.D.'s save energy, and thus the environment, it's important to use as many of them as possible.
How much is enough, you ask? Start assembling your holiday display by outlining your entire house: roofline, windows, and all the rest. After that, you might want to branch out and get even more creative. The simple rule of thumb is to keep adding strings of lights until your electricity bill is at least twice the size of last year's. At that point, you'll know that you are using only half the amount of energy that you would have if you had decorated with the old-fashioned kind of lights.
Take my advice, and you can enjoy this holiday season with the warm glow inside that comes from doing everything you can to help our cute little planet.
at 5:48 AM
Thursday, December 18, 2008
I'm spittin' mad, because my Scotch Pine delivery service went out of business this year, and I've been scrambling to find another one that won't park its big van in front of my house to do the delivery. I know what you're thinking, but I always say the only good tree is a dead tree. That's why I'm always sure to stick a dead one in my living room at this time of year. It lets me fume and gloat all at once, because it's one more tree in my sight, but one less to plague the world once I'm done with it.
I've been complaining to everyone I meet about my delivery problem, and some idiot told me to use my own car to go pick up a tree. That's impossible! I need a tree that's at least seven feet tall, and my car is only about five feet tall, so there's no way I could get the tree in there.
Clearly, some people just don't understand the way things work in Alameda. How am I supposed to spread holiday cheer with just the three-foot tree that would fit in my car, if I wanted to get pine sap all over the seat upholstery? How dare that stupid business go out of business? What does a person have to do to get a measly seven-foot tree delivered around here?
Former City Council Candidate
at 5:21 AM
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
All Right-Thinking Alamedans will want to be sure to take the kids to see "The Day Alameda Stood Still," the feel-good fantasy movie opening this week at the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. The Alameda Daily Noose and I believe that the premise of the movie is that alien beings land their spaceships in Alameda on a mission to stop all new development. During the ensuing battle with Evil Developers, in which the newcomer aliens team up with humans who know how things work around here, some recently built structures are accidentally and fortuitously destroyed. The Alameda Daily Noose and I hope that the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates is among them! If you hear cheering from the front row during that part of the movie, you can bet that it's us.
at 5:08 AM
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
The Alameda Daily Noose and I have just learned that the USA Kung Fu Studio, having recently moved from their location on Webster Street to a larger Park Street location, has been secretly training Squirrels in Kung Fu combat techniques.
We photographed some Squirrels practicing their black-belt moves in the empty lot next door. All individuals present were engaged in a Chinese martial art developed during the Shang dynasty. Those Squirrels were as rapid as some kind of meteorological phenomenon involving electrical discharge. In fact, it was sufficient to cause a moderate level of alarm.
The obvious question is: Why are Squirrels undergoing martial arts training, and whom are they planning on battling?
at 5:40 AM
Monday, December 15, 2008
A brief survey on Park Street revealed more than half a dozen such violations, including Gillian's Tea Oasis, L'Argent, and Jonny Juice. When asked how they could dare not have a Television for their customers, none of the employees of these establishments were even aware of the law.
In addition, we found a number of businesses that may be technically in compliance with the law, but were in violation of the spirit of the law. Some, such as Jolly Java, have opted to show rotating computer-generated advertisements; others have the TV screen clearly on, but not hooked to any signal whatsoever.
It is outrageous that some businesses are allowed to keep their doors open when they are refusing to give their customers access to Television. The Alameda Daily Noose and I encourage our readers to report violations to the Alameda Police Department. We also encourage you to thank the law-abiding establishments and thank their owners for providing Television entertainment. We've also noticed other businesses helping contribute to full TV availability, even though there is not (yet) a TV law, such as Patrick-Henry Bank on Otis Drive and Sunocal service station on Encinal. Let's hear it for the businesses that are doing their part to make sure that we are never without Television!
Friday, December 12, 2008
Brrr! Those chilly winter winds have me thinking about home heating costs. Haven't you had it up to here with those gas bills? Besides, what harm are we doing to our planet by burning non-renewable fossil fuels? It doesn't have to be that way, because now there is a new, alternative, miracle fuel to chase away the shivers. It's called "wood," and getting it won't cost you a dime, because this wonder fuel literally grows on trees!
But how do I harvest and use this so-called wood, you ask? It's as easy as 1-2-3!
- Wait for your neighbors to go on vacation. That way they won't be bothered by all the noise and sawdust. You won't believe the looks of gratitude on their faces when they return to find their yard completely cleared of unsightly, dangerous Squirrel habitat!
- Fire up your trusty gasoline-powered chainsaw and make a cut at the base of the trunk of each tree in your neighbor's yard. When the tree falls, use the saw to cut the trunk and all the big branches up into one- or two-foot-long chunks. If a tree happens to fall on your neighbor's house, don't worry! You can also cut up any boards or planks that come loose and use those, too.
- Bring the chunks of tree back to your house, take them inside, and look for a big hole in the wall, usually in the living room, and pile the wood in there. If your house doesn't have such a hole, which we eco-friendly heating technicians call a "fire place," simply stack the wood inside a circle of stones or bricks in the middle of the room. Now, using a match and maybe a dash of lighter fluid, set the wood on fire, and enjoy hours of all-natural, renewable heat!
The great thing about burning trees instead of oil or natural gas is that trees are renewable, so we never have to worry about running out. After all, once your neighbor's yard is cleared, there's always your neighbor's neighbor's yard, and so on forever. Your heating problems are solved the natural way, once and for all!
at 5:32 AM
Thursday, December 11, 2008
The Alameda Daily Noose and I overheard reliable sources speculating that Cap'n Everett Street had not been drinking before last night's boat-lighting ceremony. These sources noted that the Cap'n did not seem to be reciting his nautical poetry selections with the dramatic flair and slight slurring that he usually displays on such occasions, but rather in a style closer to his everyday, gruff monotone. Furthermore, he made no attempt to throw any of the Dancing Sea Cucumbers into the water, which is a possibility that we have all learned to watch out for.
Cap'n Everett's shocking lack of inebriation last night must be due to rising rum prices. If we assume that business is down at the Rusty Scupper Family Seafood Restaurant as a result of the economic downturn, then it's obvious that the Cap'n is trying to cut corners by watering down the drinks, especially those containing now-more-expensive rum.
It's thanks to our ability to mentally fill in the blanks between bits of gossip that the Alameda Daily Noose and I are able to bring you this somewhat exclusive story. Stay tuned for more hard-hitting journalism as further juicy whisperings come to our attention.
at 5:16 AM
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
at 5:35 AM
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
I just finished reading yesterday's story on the dangers of Zeppelins in Alameda, and dammit, I'm mad! (No palindrome intended.) It really burns me up. (No pun intended.) I can't remember the last time I've been this angry, and let me tell you, it feels great. (No irony intended.) It makes me want to pump my fist and shout, "Go, Rog!"
Former City Council Candidate
at 5:28 AM
Monday, December 8, 2008
On this day, five years ago, the former Alameda Naval Air Station played an important role in demonstrating to the world the fearsome threat that Zeppelin traffic poses. Not only is the traffic congestion terrible when vehicles that large are bumbling around our skies, but their very presence in our community brings with it the seeds of fiery destruction.
The disastrous flammability of Zeppelins was aptly demonstrated by those people who blow things up on T.V. They call themselves Truth Blasters, or something like that, but the important thing is that they do their best work in Alameda, where we love to see our fears confirmed on television.
The sheer speed with which a Zeppelin can combust is shocking. Now, some people will say that modern Zeppelins are safer than the kind that so famously burned on that day at Alameda Point, but that is just their opinion. The Alameda Daily Noose and I will not sit idly by while the risk of flaming Zeppelins hangs over us, not unlike the risk of flaming Squirrels. Those who actively promote Zeppelins, or deny their dangers, are not to be trusted.
The facts of this day speak for themselves. The people of Alameda have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our great island nation. Always will we remember the character of the onslaught against us. No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated Zeppelin invasion, the Alamedan people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.
at 5:36 AM
Friday, December 5, 2008
The Alameda Daily Noose and I know that you are eager for more Green Living tips from Janet Marchant, but breaking news requires that we put her popular column on hold this week.
Tragedy has struck Alameda, this time not in the form of new buildings, but damage to an existing one. As soon as the Alameda Daily Noose and I heard reports of the fire on Willow Street this week, we had our suspicions about who was behind it. Back in October, we warned that an attack by a flaming Squirrel in one of those cities that is not Alameda was an indication that the Sciurine Menace would soon attempt similar destruction within our own borders. We scrutinized reports of the investigation on the Willow Street incident, but found no evidence of Squirrel involvement described there.
This lack of evidence brought us to a horrible realization: the Squirrels have learned how to completely cover their tracks! Even Alameda's finest have been stymied by these devious creatures. But even if the human suspects turn out to be connected to this petty act of arson, we all know who the masterminds were. Who else would deliberately choose a target on a street named after a tree?
If we hope to nip these ominous tree-related developments in the bud, all Right-Thinking Alamedans, especially those intrepid few who investigate crimes, need to familiarize themselves with the tell-tale signs of Squirrel activity. The revealing diagram below should give you a good start.
And remember, even if you don't see evidence of Squirrels, you can still know that they have been around.
at 5:28 AM
Thursday, December 4, 2008
The Alameda Daily Noose and I have it on good authority that the entire population of Bay Farm Island, including Harbor Bay, has decided to sever its ties with the mainland's cable network. Frustrated by rising service costs, and the loss of competition in the form of Alameda Power and Telecom service, residents have cut the cord, and are installing satellite dishes by the hundreds.
An angry mob reportedly severed the cable on Tuesday, marking the spot of their historic nixing of Comcast cable service with a sign bearing the abbreviation, "CABLE X-ING." The Alameda Daily Noose and I wish we could have witnessed the mob scene, with the torches and cable cutters. Boy, that showed 'em!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
I was trying to find the Alameda Daily Noose today by typing some of your common subjects into The Googles, like "redevelopment", "parking", "trees," "economic meltdown," and some other things that I forget. Unfortunately, what turned up instead of your familiar black-and-yellow pages was a frightening account of a development that will not die!
Like many Right-Thinking Alamedans, I have been counting on the recent economic slowdown to prevent our city from growing out of control. Imagine my horror when I read such warnings as: "The residential buildings north of Mission Creek along King Street seemed to spring up overnight," and "There's such a diversity of land uses built into Mission Bay that there's a flexibility. Things keep moving," says Kelley Kahn, the San Francisco Redevelopment Agency's project manager. "Housing may be dormant, but biotech comes alive."
Is biotech what we have to fear next? I don't know what that is, but it sounds like it has to do with undead robot monsters. "Things keep moving...." We tried to stall those wily developers who wanted to ram a new library and movie theater down our throats, but they would not be stopped. This "Mission Bay" development they're talking about is right across the bay from Alameda. What if the monster robots randomly march in our direction, discover how wonderful Alameda is, and set their sights on destroying it?
My only consolation is that Alameda is an island, which makes it completely different from any other city. Surely, the economy-defying monster developments afflicting other cities have nothing to do with what is possible here.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
at 5:14 AM
Monday, December 1, 2008
Its a darn good thing that you published Former City Council Candidate's Thanksgiving letter again this year, because I needed a dose of grump. Once is never enough for that kind of classic Daily Noose item. My son says I could have used some kind of Interweb dingus to find the letter in last year's edition, but I don't have time to mess around with that when I don't even know what month it was published in.
You should reprint things more often. Sometimes I miss a day of the Alameda Daily Noose, so you should always publish the previous day's edition along with the current one. That way, I won't miss anything probably.
Anyway, I agree with Former City Council Candidate that it is so important to preserve the tradition of complaining. These days, the art of complaining is almost dead. In my day, we complained every day, need it or not. Kids these days are soft, and they hardly know how to whine or moan, let alone complain. What with all the lack of complaining, I have trouble getting inspired to work up a good rant myself, sometimes.
What is our City Council doing to make sure everyone has a chance to complain? And why aren't they complaining more themselves? I see them on the T.V. saying things like "I see your point, but I respectably disagree." What does that even mean? Those words are just nonsense and gobbledygook as far as I can tell.
What we need in this town is some good old-fashioned personal abuse. Its not good enough just to call someone else's ideas moronic. You need to make it clear that the person is a moron. Anyone who can't even do that is a moron!
at 5:34 AM
Friday, November 28, 2008
I love Thanksgiving, because it's one of our greenest holidays. There are always plenty of leftovers to recycle, and we all know how good recycling is for the environment! In my family, we make sure to go that extra mile by starting out with food that reduces harm to the planet. That's why the centerpiece of our annual feast is not the traditional but environmentally unfriendly turkey, but rather the biggest ol' hunk o' corn-fed beef that we can manage to choke down. You see, cows give off large quantities of methane gas, which contributes significantly to global warming, so it's important to reduce the number of cows on the planet. Since they reproduce so rapidly, it's important to eat them quickly so that we don't find ourselves up to our necks in cows, choking to death on methane.
Once Thanksgiving is over, many people are tempted to save their leftovers for sandwiches, but that is a huge mistake. The green thing to do is recycle your leftovers, because the more stuff you recycle, the better it is for the planet! In fact, we make sure to cook at least three or four times more food than we can eat, just to increase the amount we have to recycle.
Of course, you can recycle any uneaten beef and other foods in your green bin, but that's just for starters. Biodiesel is all the rage these days, so why not improve your gas mileage by adding some leftover gravy to your car's tank? Then, take that old macaroni salad and help the kids design their own crafts projects with it. When the mayonnaise dressing gets tacky enough, it will act as a glue to keep the macaroni pieces on the paper or stuck to each other. Also, you can quickly make an attractive set of coasters by shellacking slices of cooked yam, and you'll be that much better prepared for next year's entertaining.
These are just a few ideas to get you started. I'd love to hear your inspirations for creative Thanksgiving recycling, too. Tips on what to do with a spare side of beef would be especially helpful. If you send some, I'll be giving my thanks to you!
at 5:27 AM
Thursday, November 27, 2008
The Alameda Daily Noose and I can never get enough of Former City Council Candidate's wit and wisdom, and we're sure that our readers feel the same. So here, for your holiday enjoyment, is a Special Encore Presentation of her letter from last year about Thanksgiving and the meaning of grump:
I know you count on me to supply you with high-quality complaining on a fairly frequent basis, but even the best of us have to take a vacation in honor of Thanksgiving. For one day a year, we must all set aside our vigilant grumping and count our blessings instead, so I am going to devote this letter to all of the things that I have to be thankful for.
This Thanksgiving, I am glad, as usual, that I have a wonderful family to help carry on the complaining traditions. I'm also thankful for my beautiful house and my health, which, if you pay any attention to those "doctors" going on about "cancer risks," you'd think I wouldn't still be walking around which, by the way, I plan to do for another half a century or so, thank you very much. So I think that's three things that I have to be thankful for.
Of course, as long as I'm writing, I should mention one small thing that has been on my mind, which is the lack of parking at my favorite movie theater. Don't people have enough other things to do that they have to be going to the movies all the time? The few times a year that I decide there's something that might be worth paying those outrageous ticket prices for, everybody else goes on that very same day, and it's just impossible! There are too many people around in general, and not enough entertainment, because I'm certainly not going to go and sit through some "opera" for fun, which I don't know why anyone would ever do that, unless maybe it's the kind of people who think it's okay to plant trees everywhere until our entire town is overrun with Squirrels, and that we should all get our kicks from watching Squirrels destroy our lawns with their so-called "acorns," until the whole town is just like that big Central Park in the middle of Brooklyn! That's not what we want in Alameda.
Former City Council Candidate
at 5:33 AM
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
The Alameda Daily Noose and I were thrilled that Right-Thinking Alamedan Herb Albert has once again taken time out from his busy touring schedule with his Tijuana Brass Band to send us the following "Gee mail" dispatch from the Collegiate Front of the Global War on Squirrels:
From: marc albert
Sent: Tuesday, November 25, 2008 10:20 AM
To: Roger Grumbel
Subject: UC Eggheads join Global War on Squirrels
UC Davis under the Iron Heel of relentless organized squirrel attacks...Squirrels have attacked campus food supplies, and staged damaging suicide attacks against command and control centers by sabotaging electrical power systems. Wake UP America!
"In seven years, we went from having no eastern fox squirrels on the campus to having more than 400, and there is currently no sign that their reproduction is slowing down," Krause said this week.
"This is an introduced species that has demonstrated elsewhere that it is prolific, adaptable, invasive and problematic for many reasons."
Krause, who earned a bachelor of science degree in natural resources at Cornell University (another campus well-populated with tree squirrels), said the squirrels' impacts could include:
* Injuries to people: More and more eastern fox squirrels are approaching students on the Quad and at Lake Spafford. No one here has been hurt yet. But in other communities, squirrels have become aggressive food-snatchers, especially from children, and people have been scratched and bitten.
* Competition with native plants and animals: Eastern fox squirrels eat the same foods, such as oak acorns, as native gray squirrels and native birds. Fox squirrels also eat bird eggs and baby birds.
* Damage to teaching plant collections: For example, fox squirrels have begun chewing the bark of redwood trees in the UC Davis Arboretum. Bark damage can weaken and even kill a tree.
* Damage to campus facilities: Fox squirrels have entered campus buildings. Like rats, they have an affinity for chewing on electric wires. On other university campuses, they have crashed the power supply.
The Alameda Daily Noose and I can only hope that the College of Alameda will take this lesson to heart, and start treating the Sciurine Threat seriously. Certainly, it makes little difference whether the various Squirrel factions such as "fox" and "gray" compete with each other for the same resources, and they are all welcome to damage each other's strategic tree outposts as much as they please, but the other trends mentioned in this dispatch are alarming.
Note that the Squirrels seem to concentrate their destructive effort on the young of whatever species they target, for example, snatching food "especially from children." The Alameda Daily Noose and I fear that it may not end there. We were particularly disturbed by the reference to Squirrels having developed a taste for eggs, and even baby birds. Today, it may be baby birds, but before we know it, it could be baby humans!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
I try to monitor my children's Interweb usage, since there is so much obscene material out there for all to see. In my day, anyone who wanted to look at dirty pictures had to dig through their father's underwear drawer to find a dog-eared copy of Playboy; today, smut is just a click away!
Well, I grew suspicious when my teenage son Frankie abruptly closed one of those "window" doohickeys on the computer screen when I walked into the room. Luckily, I have learned a thing or two about the Interwebs from my years of participation in Barry Manilow fan forums, so I was able to look up the computer's "cookies" to find the "browser history." I gasped in horror when I saw what he had been watching:
From the mesmerizing movements of the Squirrels to the sound of Michael Jackson, an artist obviously chosen for his appeal to children, this is nothing less than propaganda, aiming to hypnotize America's youth into supporting the Squirrel takeover of our nation!
The final proof arrives in the video's last seconds, when we are assured that "no Squirrels were harmed in the making of this film."
Squirrels may not have been harmed; I wish I could say the same for the minds of our children!
I have warned Frankie that from now on, the only Squirrel-related videos he is allowed to watch are those starring Heidi Wilson.
at 5:46 AM
Friday, November 21, 2008
at 5:04 AM
Thursday, November 20, 2008
My Noble, Truth-Dealing Editor,
The City sent out notice that they are going to remove that crazy old tree on my street that's leaning like it's about to fall over. Well, that's just great. In the process, they'll probably mess up the sidewalk, or break the water main, and then the street will be flooded with water and cement trucks and there'll be no place to park.
And then, they'll probably plant a new tree in place of the hazardous old one. Everyone knows that new trees are no good, because they aren't big enough. And once they do get bigger, the City insists on wasting our tax money trimming them and removing "unhealthy" ones like the one that I'm just sure is going to fall and crush my car every time I'm unfortunate enough to have to park next to it. So what if the tree is unhealthy? I'm not the healthiest individual in the world either, but nobody's going to remove me.
The cost of tree removal is about 2% of the relevant part of the City budget portion that includes work of that nature, which means that at the current rate of arboreal projects, our taxes are going to pay for 73% more of this nonsense by 2013, if we're all still around by then. The City never should have planted that tree, and it's outrageous that they are now about to cause all kinds of nightmarish disruption by removing it. For anyone who is not thrown off by all of my highly technical explanations, it should be perfectly obvious what needs to be done.
Milhous K. "Grr" Sanka
at 5:44 AM
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
What?! Not worry about Squirrels? Roy Avery must be light-headed from all of that bagpiping. As anyone who is getting enough oxygen can see from the clipping I enclosed with this letter, now is the time to be more worried than ever about the Squirrel threat.
Its clear from the ad that those cheeky little devils have somehow wriggled their way into a major bank, and are dictating policies there. This highly suspect financial institution admits to having branches in Walnut Creek and Oakmont, which tells you something. The Squirrel-coddling bankers promise "Absolute Security," but for whom? Or, should I say, for what scampering little trouble-makers who want to take our hard-earned money and bury it in crazy places where even they may have trouble finding it? Oh, yes, I'm sure the Squirrels will have no fear of retribution from their monetary cohorts when they try to pay us that 4.5% interest in the form of acorns!
What kind of "newspaper" would agree to run an ad that so blatantly promotes shady banking practices? And are these bankers nuts?
at 5:30 AM
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Now, I'm no fan of heightened Squirrel activity myself, having had some problems with them in the past that I'd rather not mention here, but I think you are placing too much emphasis on whatever gains they may have made in the recent election. It's much more important to celebrate the great gains that Alameda is sure to enjoy as soon as Barack Obama begins working on government programs to promote tartan infrastructure and bagpipe instruction.
I look forward to our new president steam-rolling right over those hysterical obstructionists who complain that bagpipes are too "loud" and should be strictly limited or even eliminated, and who say similar things about kilts and other fine tartan resources. Soon, bagpipe lessons will be not only available but compulsory for all primary school children large enough to heft the instrument. Ah, what a glorious day it will be when our Fourth of July parade is filled with little pipe and drum corps from all the schools!
And there will be no more "plaid washing" of new developments or redevelopment zones, either. From now on, it will be genuine, sustainable Tartan-Oriented Development all the way.
I'm proud to say that some of my bagpipe-playing friends and I were not only vocal but instrumental in the election of our new leader. We stood the requisite 100 feet from various polling places rendering My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean while Danny MacSteele sang her own lyrics to it, with a rousing chorus of "Bring Barack, bring Barack, oh bring Barack Obama to me." I believe the lass is heartened by Obama's keen interest in reading history and literature. She certainly belted out the tune with gusto, so I'm sure our efforts carried well beyond the 100 foot mark. We noticed that it seemed to encourage people on their way to the polls, as nearly all of them accelerated their pace as they passed us.
It's a time for all to be glad now, so let's not tarnish that mood with minor worries about Squirrels.
In reporting on the election, the Alameda Daily Noose and I connected the dots to form a "Triangle of Absolute Proof that Obama is a Secret Scotsman." Unfortunately, the Alameda Daily Noose, I, and other opponents of this absurd candidate were ignored and The Children™ now stand in peril of having Bagpipe instruction rammed down their young, innocent throats. This sickening development makes the Alameda Daily Noose and me even prouder that we did not sully our good names by voting in this sham of a so-called election.
Monday, November 17, 2008
I hate to say "I told you so," but…who am I kidding? I love to say "I told you so"! A year ago last Friday I alerted you and your readers of the impending Zeppelin parking disaster, and then again two and a half weeks ago I warned that Alameda's Zeppelin traffic problem was only going to get worse. Well, this weekend I was finally vindicated. This Saturday at about one o'clock I saw a Zeppelin proceeding east along Encinal Ave., barely missing a westbound AC Transit bus:
Then, just two hours later, I saw another eastbound Zeppelin moving along Santa Clara Ave., directly over the already congested intersection with Park St.:
Now, some said my gas-bag warnings were over inflated, but now the skeptics have their proof: two Zeppelins in the space of two hours. I told you so!
This is even worse than I anticipated. We haven't seen two Zeppelins pass by in such rapid succession since the infamous test of the Zeppelin mooring masts atop Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, as documented in your explosive exposé just one year ago.
Fortunately for the Right-Thinking citizens of Alameda, I have a plan for dealing with this lighter-than-air menace to our down-to-earth way of life: The street classification of Central Ave. between Fernside Blvd. and High St. should be changed to "Zeppelin collector." Streets like Encinal Ave. and Santa Clara Ave. already carry more than their share of big public transit vehicles, and now those morons at City Hall want to add Zeppelins into the mix? That's crazy. Now, if all that Zeppelin traffic could be collected on one segment of Central Ave., where neither I nor any of my friends and family live, all of our problems would be solved.
at 5:03 AM
Friday, November 14, 2008
Quick! What was the last thing you did before reading this column? Was it turning on your computer? If so, your computer use habits may need a green makeover.
Did you know that cold-starting your computer dumps as much carbon dioxide and particulate matter into your home as running it for several hours does? An easy alternative is to leave the computer on at all times, in much the way that many of us leave our cars idling when we run into the dentist's office for a filling.
If you follow this advice, you're sure to notice a difference in your electricity bill! And once you experience the convenience of instant computer access, you may never shut it off again.
at 5:17 AM
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Who is the contact for discussing advertising on your blog Alameda Daily Noose? We have received 25 requests this week for advertising on Alameda Daily Noose, and the page has been viewed 71 times.
Our website, wikimetro.org, is the largest online BlogAd marketplace with more than 50,000 blogs in more than 2,300 US cities and towns.
If you are agreeable to scheduling a time to talk on the phone about this, please tell me a good time by contacting me. I'll cc my assistant to set up a time to talk, if there's interest.
Oakland BlogAd Account
Motto: "Everything Local"
Tel. +1(202) 470-0961
We can understand why advertisers would want to ride on the coattails of our success, but the Alameda Daily Noose and I are opposed to billboards of any kind, especially ones that could block a reader's view of our Noose items. We can't see what advantage there would be for us if we were to allow advertisers the honor of being associated with our hard-hitting investigative journalism. Furthermore, it sounds as if all of the ads would promote Boring, Lame, On-line Gossip Shops (B.L.O.G.S.), and we wouldn't want to encourage that bunch of charlatans.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
My neighbor wants to remodel his house, but there is no physical evidence to suggest that he will succeed. The remodeling project does not exist yet. He's just been showing people all of the fancy blueprints he's made up, which are nothing more than a bunch of lines on paper. There's nothing real in these fantastical "plans" for a "one-room addition" with "no impact on street view." What guarantee do we have that the elements of these plans will turn out the way they are supposed to? I doubt that the project will even be able to get the funding it needs in this bad economy, and there should be an independent audit of my neighbor's finances to determine his ability to undertake such a project.
This neighbor has been wasting all kinds of time getting permits and hiring contractors. Meanwhile, I've come up with a better plan for his house. It's a bold approach, but not without precedent. In essence, the best thing he could do with his property would be to leave it exactly as it currently is, so that future generations could enjoy it. This approach works very well for me with my home, and it will work for my neighbor just as indisputably as the moon is made of green cheese, which, as everyone knows, it is. (Samples of that verdant caseous lunar substance were brought back from the first moon landing, although the rigors of re-entry into earth's atmosphere rendered them hard as rocks.)
Speaking of coming back down to earth, I have produced a full-color flier—entitled "The Time Has Come For A New Vision for My Neighbor's House ~ Citizens for Doing Nothing ~"—detailing the advantages of my alternative plan, and I am distributing it to everyone who might have an interest in preserving neighbors' houses, in situ, precisely as they were planned and executed by the mid-20th century masters of ranch-style dwellings who practiced their art so prolifically along Grand Street and Gibbons Drive.
The advantages of my plan should be clear to all who read it. If my neighbor fails to recognize the pointlessness of making "plans" that will "change" his house in any way, I will call upon Right-Thinking Alamedans to join me in picketing his home until he sees the light.
at 5:56 AM
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
I am dismayed that the Alameda Daily Noose is accusing squirrels of somehow tampering with last Tuesday's election results. As a long-time squirrel-watcher, I can assure you that if there was any unusual squirrel activity last week, I saw no sign of it. I believe Alameda's squirrel population had all the work it could handle just trying to stay warm and dry last week. Regrettable incidents with certain people's prize sunflowers aside, I believe that staying warm and dry are a squirrel's main concerns at this time of year, with charming skitterings among fallen leaves being a close second in frequency, according to my observations. Just take a look at those innocent, forlorn eyes in the video that one of my fellow squirrel-watchers took last week and tell me if that is the gaze of one who would try to interfere with our democratic process. Squirrels gained nothing from this election, although they could probably use some help from us.
The Alameda Daily Noose and I are not the least bit moved by these images of a poor, cold, bedraggled Squirrel using its little tail as an umbrella. No, we did not feel a sympathetic shiver as we watched the raindrops pelting it relentlessly, and if even we did, it must have been due to camera tricks and deceptive editing. There is no way that this clearly amateur video will dupe Right-Thinking Alamedans into feeling sympathy for the Squirrels. Now, you'll have to excuse us, because the Alameda Daily Noose and I seem to have gotten something irritating in our eyes.
at 5:03 AM
Monday, November 10, 2008
DEAR WEBMAIL ACCOUNT OWNER
THIS MESSAGE IS FROM WEBMAIL ADMIN MESSAGINGCENTER . WE ARE UPGRADING OUR EMAIL ACCOUNT CENTER AND CENCELLING UNUSED ACCOUNTS TO CREATE SPACE.TO STOP YOUR ACCOUNT FROM CLOSING,UPDATE IT BELOW
CONFIRM YOUR EMAIL IDENTITY BELOW,
DATE OF BIRTH................
WARNING!!!IF YOU REFUSE TO UPDATE YOUR ACCOUNTYOU WILL LOOSE IT PERMANENTLY.
THANK YOU FOR USING THIS WEB MAIL
We quickly sent in the requested information, and it seems to have done the trick, because we are getting as much "gee-mail" as ever. Unfortunately, the update of our account must have led to some confusion of a different sort. Not only do we get our own mail, but we seem to be getting someone else's messages returned to us. We are pretty sure we did not send anyone the type of "gee-mail" that has been showing up in this way.
It must be that we did not act quickly enough, and so allowed our account to become "loose," as the bulletin warned. Since the change is permanent, we will just have to resign ourselves to having other people's messages sneaking into our loose account. We can't help it if we accidentally read some of them.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Chilly winds are blowing, but before you crank up those space heaters, are you sure your home is well insulated? So-called experts will try to tell you that most traditionally designed wood frame buildings lose more heat through the roof and in insulated walls than through the windows, but that's ridiculous. Have you ever noticed a draft coming from the roof or a wall? It's obvious that those nasty old windows are the real culprits.
One approach to stopping drafts from your old double-hung windows is to have them all replaced with new double-glazed window units, but that can be expensive. You can block cold air much more cheaply, and completely, by simply nailing sheets of plywood over every window. For a more substantial look and even more energy savings, try bricking up the windows instead. Brick-laying can be fun for the whole family, so why not start now with a weekend project?
Once your window retrofit is complete, you may notice that some of the rooms seem a bit darker than before, but don't despair: you'll want to follow our earlier "green living" tip and stock up on as many incandescent bulbs as you can afford. You'll soon have your place blazing with light again!
You will also discover that you're no longer able to open windows for ventilation in the summer, so you'll want to install the largest air-conditioning unit you can find. Once you have that baby cranked up to full blast, those summer breezes you remember will seem laughably hot and humid by comparison.
Once you have overcome the issues of light and ventilation through modern green technology, you will begin to enjoy many of the side benefits of living window free. Never again will your eyes be assaulted by the first rays of the rising sun. Never again will you be distracted by birds hopping around in trees or children playing in a neighbor's yard.
You'll also find that your home's stunning new look will attract a lot of attention. The creativity of many people—especially teenagers—is stimulated by the presence of beautiful blank surfaces, and they may grace them with displays of artistic expression involving fat markers and spray paint. These spontaneous art projects will give your home an ever-changing appeal that will undoubtedly increase not only your property values, but those of the whole neighborhood!
at 5:37 AM
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Just as the Alameda Daily Noose and I predicted, there was something Squirrely afoot during Tuesday's election. Reports of irregularities are just starting to come in, and we are sure that more will follow. Here are some highlights from reports we have received so far:
Dave Williamson: "On Tuesday, I had trouble opening a jar of pickles, which delayed my lunch, seriously diminishing the window of time that I had allowed for going to my polling place and watching for sciurine activity. I don't usually have trouble opening a jar of pickles unless it is brand new. It's almost as if someone or something screwed the lid on extra tight, knowing that it would slow me down at that critical point in my day."
Frieda Bellows: "The door to the voting place was really hard to open. I was pushing as hard as I could, and it wouldn't budge. Then someone pointed out that there was a teeny, tiny sign by the door handle that said 'PULL.' The letters on the sign couldn't have been more than two inches high, so how was I supposed to read it? Besides, anyone who expects me to read a sign needs to put it right in front of my face. That the sign was so far below the level of my face makes me think that it must have been deliberately moved sometime before election day, probably by Squirrels."
Lon Geddoff: "It was nearly impossible to park in front of that school where I had to go and vote. There was nothing but parallel parking, and there were all of these other cars in the way when I went to park. I circled the block a few times to see if a better space would open up, but that just made me angrier, because when I turned that first corner, I could see people down the street parking in front of my house and walking to the polls. Don't they know that it isn't safe to walk in neighborhoods where I'm trying to drive my car? I finally got so fed up with trying to parallel park in front of the school that I just double-parked with my blinkers on. It was an emergency, after all. I just know that those Squirrels had something to do with making all of the parking parallel. They tried to thwart me, but I was too smart for 'em."
at 5:11 AM
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
The Alameda Daily Noose and I are deeply saddened to report that our wildest paranoid fantasies have come to pass. No, we're not talking about Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn," which is safe…for now. We're talking about the unprecedented victory of Secret Scotsman Barack Obama and his dangerously inexperienced running mate Joe the Biden, who has never once been described as likely to kill, much less eat, a Squirrel.
The only possible explanation for Mr. Obama's landslide victory is the widespread Squirrel-related voting irregularities that the Alameda Daily Noose and I warned of just yesterday. So great was the level of deception that these irregularities have thus far escaped the notice of even the most eagle-eyed of Right-Thinking Alamedans, though we expect reports to begin trickling in as people think back on what they might have seen and begin to connect the dots.
Unfortunately, we may never truly get to the bottom of this dastardly caper, since the Squirrels and their allies succeeded in passing Measure Q, which eliminates Alameda's Police Secret Fund by repealing Sec. 17-11 of the City Charter. This fund would have paid for "investigation and police work of a secret character," such as determining the extent of Sciurine attempts to steal an election. How foolish of those dullards on our City Council to hand the keys to Our Fair City directly to the Squirrels by putting Measure Q on the ballot in the first place!
Of course, Barack "Angus" Obama's victory completely validates the Alameda Daily Noose's and my decision not to bother voting in this fraudulent sham of an election. Imagine how silly we would have felt if we had spent our precious time casting our ballots, only to have the election stolen by Squirrels! We certainly showed them we're nobody's fools.
at 5:41 AM
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Right-Thinking Alamedans Sure to Report Widespread Acorn Activity and Other Squirreliness at the Polls Today
The Alamdeda Daily Noose and I have it on good authority that the Squirrels and their Fellow Travelers are organizing in an attempt to destroy Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" by influencing the outcome of today's election. Our hard-hitting investigative journalistic techniques have revealed that they intend to achieve their dastardly objectives primarily by making their way toward polling places and voting, rather than merely cowering under a tree and munching nuts on election day.
Given the damning evidence of voter fraud that the Alameda Daily Noose and I have uncovered deep within our imaginations, it is the duty of all of you Right-Thinking Alamedans to keep an eye out for any and all Squirrely activity at the polls today and report the many irregularities that you will undoubtedly observe to a qualified conspiracy theory expert like the Alameda Daily Noose, or me. If you think you saw something but you weren't quite sure, we suggest selecting an item from the following list and repeating it to yourself until you are confident that you did, in fact, see it:
- An acorn rolling out of the voting booth over in the corner.
- A strange rustling sound, punctuated by distinctive chit-chit-chittering, emanating from the ballot box.
- A ballot-marking pen that had obviously been worked over by someone with massive incisors which grow continuously and must be kept worn down by gnawing.
- Voter information pamphlets shredded and stuffed into natural cavities within trees, often in areas of the kind of moderate to dense vegetation that offers cover and concealment.
- A bushy tail sticking out from under the coat of that hirsute gentleman in front of you in line.
As soon as you see these things, drop everything—including your yet-to-be-cast ballot, if necessary—rush straight home, fire up your computer, and send a "gee-mail" to firstname.lastname@example.org. Whatever you do, don't let an unimportant thing like voting get in the way of stopping the Squirrels from stealing the election!
Monday, November 3, 2008
The Alameda Daily Noose and I are excited about the upcoming election, but we are not nearly as excited about the tedious task of yet again assembling a comprehensive election guide that will tell you, our poor benighted readers, exactly how to vote. That's why we decided to assemble this handy generic guide, which will work equally well for any election.
Vote for the ticket whose presidential or vice-presidential candidate is most frequently described as likely to kill and/or eat Squirrels.
Vote for the candidate best able to tap into the power of outrage and name-calling to achieve political ends…that is, unless you are a fruitcake or something.
State Senate/State Assembly
Vote for the noble, brave challenger who runs against the corrupt, incompetent incumbent. If all goes well, the noble, brave challenger will win, and you can look forward to voting his or her corrupt, incompetent butt out of Sacramento in the next election!
Vote for the candidate with the least so-called legal experience. A judge is just someone who gives opinions all day, and what makes a judge's opinion any more valuable than that of, say, a Noose man in the classic sense? Never give one of those elitist types your vote.
The Alameda Daily Noose and I recently learned that if there are multiple seats open but you only like one candidate, you can increase the power of your vote by voting just for your candidate alone. It is only logical, then, that you can increase the power of your vote even more by not voting for any candidates at all!
Education is supposed to be about The Children, not quote-unquote teachers or so-called administrators. That's why you should not vote for anyone older than age 17 for a school-related office.
What makes these districts think they're so darned special, anyway? Hold your nose and vote for the grumpiest candidate, the one who complains the loudest about things that are new and shiny, and therefore sinister and frightening. If that test fails, vote for the candidate with the biggest, greenest lawn with the most water features.
Vote NO on everything except propositions that:
- Promote puppies, rainbows, and kittens.
- Tie the hands of those know-it-all elitist judges.
- Stick it to the bums in Sacramento.
Vote NO on anything that:
- Raises taxes.
- Sounds harmless (it's a trick).
- Sounds suspicious (it is).
- Secretly reroutes all Alameda bus lines onto Grand St.
- Claims it will not raise taxes (only a measure that secretly raises your taxes would claim not to raise your taxes).
Vote yes on everything else.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Who doesn't want to live in a safer, greener home? It turns out that many Alameda households still contain a hidden danger: fluorescent light bulbs. Mercury, Argon, Krypton (not Kryptonite!), Cadmium, Hydrogen, and Sodium are all toxic chemicals that comprise this deadly time-bomb. And the so-called "compact" fluorescent bulbs (who has ever seen one that is actually small?) are the worst offenders.
Fortunately, it's easy to "Go Green" by trading in your fluorescent bulbs for high-tech "Incandescent" bulbs. In fact, this week at Paganos, they are selling 8-packs of these new miracle bulbs for only $17.99. Replace all of your fluorescent bulbs — throw them in the trash, before they poison your house — and replace them with these incandescent wonders.
Kermit The Frog famously said "It's Not Easy Being Green" but when you see how easy it is to reduce toxics in your house, you'll see it really is!
By now, Janet Marchant must have given Alamedans all the advice we could possibly need to improve our environment. However, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are sure she will notify us right away if she has any more brilliant ideas about how to save money (or "green," as she calls it) and our precious quality of life on the Treasured Isle of Alameda.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
With Halloween right around the corner, many parents may be concerned about the possibility of dangerous substances lurking in trick-or-treat candy, and rightly so! Did you know that many of children's favorite treats contain sugar? That's right. An innocent-looking candy bar can contain huge quantities of calories, putting a child at risk of obesity, and may also increase chances of cavities in youngsters.
Does this mean that you should keep your children home, and not hand out any treats on Halloween? No! You'll be glad to know that there is a safe alternative to cane sugar. It's called High Fructose Corn Syrup. This miracle food additive is just as sweet as cane sugar, but cane sugar is produced in factories through a complex industrial refining process, whereas Corn Syrup comes from a green, living plant. That means you can feel good about letting children have all they want of any candy whose first or even second ingredient is Corn Syrup.
Don't worry if your kids get too full of candy to eat any other kind of food. They'll be doing their best possible duty as consumers. In fact, while you're at it try to serve your family more foods containing corn starch, xanthan gum, polydextrose, and any of the many other fine ingredients derived from corn. Seriously, people need to each more corn products. Our entire economy is based on it! It's great stuff, really. You can even use it as a building material.
Please help us use up corn so that we can keep our federal subsidies flowing, and continue to bring you ever more creative and innovative corn products to enhance your rapidly shortening lives. Hurry! There's not much time left!
Oh yes, as I was saying, keep kids safe this Halloween by choosing treats made with High Fructose Corn Syrup. Together, we can make it a truly corny holiday.
President, Creative Opportunities Research Network Corn Optimization Board
at 5:22 AM