Nightmare of Compulsory Bagpipe Instruction to Begin When Secret Scotsman Obama Takes Office

Editor,

Now, I'm no fan of heightened Squirrel activity myself, having had some problems with them in the past that I'd rather not mention here, but I think you are placing too much emphasis on whatever gains they may have made in the recent election. It's much more important to celebrate the great gains that Alameda is sure to enjoy as soon as Barack Obama begins working on government programs to promote tartan infrastructure and bagpipe instruction.

I look forward to our new president steam-rolling right over those hysterical obstructionists who complain that bagpipes are too "loud" and should be strictly limited or even eliminated, and who say similar things about kilts and other fine tartan resources. Soon, bagpipe lessons will be not only available but compulsory for all primary school children large enough to heft the instrument. Ah, what a glorious day it will be when our Fourth of July parade is filled with little pipe and drum corps from all the schools!

And there will be no more "plaid washing" of new developments or redevelopment zones, either. From now on, it will be genuine, sustainable Tartan-Oriented Development all the way.

I'm proud to say that some of my bagpipe-playing friends and I were not only vocal but instrumental in the election of our new leader. We stood the requisite 100 feet from various polling places rendering My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean while Danny MacSteele sang her own lyrics to it, with a rousing chorus of "Bring Barack, bring Barack, oh bring Barack Obama to me." I believe the lass is heartened by Obama's keen interest in reading history and literature. She certainly belted out the tune with gusto, so I'm sure our efforts carried well beyond the 100 foot mark. We noticed that it seemed to encourage people on their way to the polls, as nearly all of them accelerated their pace as they passed us.

It's a time for all to be glad now, so let's not tarnish that mood with minor worries about Squirrels.

Roy Avery

Editor's Comments:

In reporting on the election, the Alameda Daily Noose and I connected the dots to form a "Triangle of Absolute Proof that Obama is a Secret Scotsman." Unfortunately, the Alameda Daily Noose, I, and other opponents of this absurd candidate were ignored and The Children™ now stand in peril of having Bagpipe instruction rammed down their young, innocent throats. This sickening development makes the Alameda Daily Noose and me even prouder that we did not sully our good names by voting in this sham of a so-called election.