Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Army of Robot Squirrels Poised for Attack

Dear Editor:

It's started! An army of evil Robot Squirrels has infiltrated what I thought was a respectable, long-standing Alameda business. I wanted to beat a hasty retreat the moment I saw them, but I knew that your readers had to be warned, so I snapped a picture and then backed away slowly, hoping not to trigger their motion sensors and cause them to aim their massive, crushing jaws in my direction.

There may be people out there who haven't been taking your warnings seriously, but now there is proof that Squirrels are conspiring with the Evil Robots that want us to vote on their plans to build a secret base at Alameda Point.

We need to do something to stop their insidious plot. Everyone ought to do the kinds of things we Right-Thinking Alamedans do in times of danger, whether it's insulting the mayor, signing petitions, recalling the school board, raising the drawbridges, launching barrage balloons, or even—if, God forbid, it should come to that—writing a grumpy letter to the editor. Hurry, for time is running out!

Yours in eternal vigilance,
Hogan Parawaders

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Concerned Citizens Fighting to Keep Propagandistic Children's Books Out of Alameda Schools


A group of concerned citizens here in Alameda is working to remove a certain book from the AUSD curriculum. The book in question, titled And Tango Makes Three, is based in part on the story of two male penguins that temporarily form a couple to raise a penguin chick.

When it comes to this kind of subject matter, young and impressionable minds must be protected for the sake of their innocence. Discussions get introduced to young children unnecessarily and before kids are mature enough to handle these discussions with their parents. It is the duty of voting taxpayers to speak up when the schools attempt to indoctrinate our children with the values of special interest groups.

We don't want our children to get the idea that it's okay to be a penguin. We contend that teaching penguin lifestyles in Alameda's K-5 amounts to indoctrination of our children. Now, we have nothing against birds that choose to live in cold climates, and to swim rather than fly, but we shouldn't have to accept them as normal. Imagine trying to get kids on airplanes once they've been convinced that swimming is better than flying. And do we really want them to be drawn into those circles where people publicly mill around in black and white? That sort of thing may be tolerated in San Francisco, but not here in Alameda!

We're sorry to say the chilling rumors you may have heard as a result of our efforts to spread them are true. Your child will be zoologically indoctrinated in public schools. It is up to Right-Thinking Alamedans to push back against the penguin agenda. One of the more insidious aspects of the penguin agenda has been its willingness to manipulate young people's minds to promote sphenisciform behavior. We shouldn't be talking about penguins to kids who are years away from understanding what normal birds are.

Alameda's schools should focus on academics first, academics second and academics before any other issue. So for goodness sakes, let's take a hard look at this ridiculous practice of teaching schoolchildren about sports, art, music, penguins and other non-academic time-wasters. Any program that creates a diversion from academics must be challenged and reconsidered.

If you a concerned, nervous, or worried citizen who would like to serve in our Right-Thinking ranks, helping save our children from penguin propaganda in our public schools, contact "To Serve Alameda." We are a grassroots organization which has nothing to do with cooking, nor with turning island cities into appetizers for alien invaders…honestly, we don't know where anyone got that idea.

Worriedly Yours,
Hannah LaBarbera
To Serve Alameda

Monday, September 28, 2009

Fight "Acorn": Keep Measure Acorn

Over the weekend, the Alameda Daily Noose and I mysteriously received the following mysterious note from a mysterious Miss Ann Ominous:

Anonymous said...

Dave Williamson, you should dig deeper. You are being used. Your holy document, Measure Acorn, is obviously the work of a community organizer from the disgraced group ACORN, a known squirrel front group.

September 26, 2009 1:12 PM
Let the Alameda Daily Noose and me be the first to step up to defend Mr. Williamson's reputation against these libelous charges. Now, you may disagree with Mr. Williamson—if you're a Wrong-Thinking Alamedan, that is—but you have to admit that his facts are always 100% correct. In fact, that's an understatement: They are usually between 110% and 120% correct.

When it comes to the subject of "Acorn," the Alameda Daily Noose and I have already done some deep digging. Alamedans are right to be concerned about the Squirrel-related activities of this shady organization. However, there is no connection between these tree-hugging troublemakers and Alameda's time-honored Measure Acorn, which, as anyone who has lived in Alameda for any time at all knows, is the only thing saving our town from the proliferation of trees and the Squirrel scourge that comes with them.

Don't be confused by similar-sounding names, Miss Animus. Just because your name sounds like "Ann on a Moose," that doesn't mean that anyone would accuse you of being from Canada, although that would explain your poor knowledge of Alameda.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Alameda's Prairie

Alameda has always been known for its beautiful swathes of open grasslands. I recently discovered a new grassroots community group whose goal is to continue this tradition through education and advocacy. They are committed to uniting public agencies, businesses, schools and residents in the restoration of a culture that values grasses.

Now, I've always been a fan of cultivating Kentucky bluegrass wherever possible, indoors and out, and I marvel at prize specimens like the lofty blades in the photo above. That's why I jumped at the chance to join Friends of Alameda's Prairie. Our group does public outreach and education on proper sod selection, sprinkler placement, fertilizer application, weed control, and tips on promoting the preservation and maintenance of existing grass and the planting of more grass in Alameda.

If you wish to get further information, give us your feedback or join us at our monthly meetings, please write to me, Janet Marchant, c/o Roger Grumbel at We welcome and encourage your participation!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Alameda Daily Noose and I Win Prestigious Award for Outstanding Coverage of Chinese Culture

Editor's Comments:

It really is remarkable that people in China have such a clear understanding of the complex journalistic accomplishments of the Alameda Daily Noose and me. They have long been fans of our writing, even though they seem to have very little ability to write anything comprehensible themselves. However, they are right on target when they say, "CONGRATULATION ONCE AGAIN !!!!!!," because the following is just another in a long list of prestigious and coveted awards and accolades that the Alameda Daily Noose and I have humbly and deservingly received:



CONGRATULATION ONCE AGAIN iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii


FULL NAMES OF BENEFICIARY:........................
CONTACT ADDRESS:..................................
EMAIL ADDRESS:....................................
MARITAL STATUS...................................
TEL NO:...........................................
NEXT OF KIN:......................................
ANNUAL INCOME:....................................
AMOUNT WON:.......................................


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Surprise! Moribund New Bay Bridge Won't Be Finished Next Month, Either

As the Alameda Daily Noose and I have already pointed out, the current San Francisco Bay Bridge is clearly of no use to Alameda, so it's a waste of time and money to build a new one. The new bridge wasn't finished in July, August, or September, and now we hear that it won't be ready by October, either. This follows on the heels of the ridiculous period during which no-one was even trying to build the new bridge, claiming that they first had to "draw up plans" and "get bids."

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Greedy Developers Need to Think Less about Money and More about Our Sales Tax Revenue


Those developer fat-cats always have only one thing on their minds: money. It's all about the bottom line for those greedy, calculating exploiters trying to squeeze profits out of our community. They want to build "mixed use" with commercial space, housing, retail, schools, parks and all kinds of other shady-sounding things, and all we will get out of it is "attractive, pedestrian-friendly neighborhoods with ample recreation opportunities."

Where's our money? If new jobs are going to be created in Alameda, they need to be the kind of jobs that will benefit us financially, and not just whatever currently unemployed deadbeats out there are going to swoop in and take those jobs, and live in those houses, and clutter up those new parks with their tricycles and Frisbees. We expect any new development to maximize the all-important sales tax money that is the only possible source of funds for fixing potholes on our streets so that we can drive to other cities to shop.

We fail to see how any decent person can focus solely on generating revenue from environmentally responsible, socially beneficial development, when their top priority should be funding services for the people who aren't going to live and work in those new developments.

Inaction Alameda

Monday, September 21, 2009

Don't Be Fooled by False Gee-Mail Message

The Alameda Daily Noose and I want to warn our readers about a pernicious gee-mail message that appears to be circulating on the interwebs. The writer seems to think that there are jokes to be made at the expense of our Treasured Island. Although the letter was sent to us directly, it is addressed only to "Fellow Alamedans," which strongly suggests that it is a form letter that was sent to numerous others as well.

Now, unlike all of the other major news media, which cloak their journalistic cowardice in flimsy excuses about having "limited space," the Alameda Daily Noose and I always print each and every letter we receive in its entirety, uncensored, unedited, raw and uncut, without exception. We have the courage that those other so-called journalists lack. We believe that all Alamedans' opinions should be heard as long as they are Right-Thinking. Besides, Alameda is the kind of place where nothing much happens on some days, so those letters come in handy.

The particular letter in question is so obviously false, and so disrespectful of the serious pursuit of journalistic integrity, that we refuse to publish so much as an excerpt from it. We will certainly not mention the portion of the letter which states, "To enter, post your winning entry on one of three community blogs, Don Roberts Alameda Daily News, Lauren Doh’s Blogging Bayport Alameda, or Michelle Ellson’s The Island." For one thing, the mere mention of Boring, Lame, Online Gossip Shops, or B.L.O.G.S., is cause for suspicion, and active promotion of them indicates that the writer is not to be trusted.

Further evidence that the writer is up to no good is that he did not sign his real name to the letter. Instead, it is signed "William Smith," which is obviously a fake name. He probably doesn't even live in Alameda, which would make his greeting all the more false. To print any part of this amalgamation of sheer nonsense and deception would make a laughingstock of our respectable noosepaper. So, Mr. "Smith," you will have to be content with saying hello to your wife, "Jane Doe," for us. Meanwhile, we urge our readers to be on the lookout for those underhanded elements in our community who work their wiles through sneaky satire and by inciting the dreaded "blogosphere community" to acts of irreverence. They are not who they say they are. Don't be fooled. Beware!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Our Coastal Cleanup

Who likes clean beaches? We do! Yes, this Saturday, it's time once again for Alamedans to pitch in and pick up all of the litter that's landed on our shore since last year. A tidy beach is much nicer for people to play on, but why stop with trash removal? This time around, let's give some thought to those other users of Alameda beaches, the wildlife!

You may have noticed that although there is a nice, clean, sandy beach along Shoreline, it turns into a muddy, swampy mess as soon as it hits the bird sanctuary. Why should those poor birds have to wade through a stinky swamp while we frolic on natural, sustainable sand? I say we clean up that mud, haul in some bags of sand, and give all of those overgrown marsh grasses a trim. The water birds should be much happier when they have more open space and maybe some clean plastic bags to nest in.

And while we're at it, both the sanctuary and the rest of the shore could use some serious kelp removal. We should follow China's example by clearing out all of that algae while it's still in the water, before it washes up on our beaches.

Anyone who would like to join me in going above and beyond on this cleanup day can register online with the Alameda Recreation and Parks Department or just meet me at the registration table at Park St. and Shoreline Dr. by 9 a.m. I'll be the one on the riding lawnmower with the trailer full of sand!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 28 days, with the most recent shown in green:

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
Corica Have Mercy:

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
This Is an Outrage:
Regular Transportation Commission August 26, 2009

Editor's Comments:

The Transport Commissary should know that Right-Thinking Alamedans are too smart to think that it would take five hours for the sun to set over the bay, and yet that is all that their supposedly real-time interwebcast showed. Clearly, they are trying to conceal their lack of any real meetings this month, which is probably due to their all sneaking off to The Developer's Pocket speakeasy for a secret meeting about their latest plans for high-speed ferries or some such nonsense.

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council September 15, 2009

Editor's Comments:

Apparently, our city is now being run by school children who insist on having a "recess" part way through the meeting. Fortunately, the break in the interwebcast gave the Alameda Daily Noose and me a chance to go and get some milk and cookies from the kitchen.

Golden AcornGolden Acorn
Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council September 1, 2009
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board August 24, 2009

Golden Acorn
Nothing Worth Complaining About:
Regular ARRA Meeting September 2, 2009

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Entire Executive Staff of Inaction Alameda News Teaches Jane Sterner a Hard-Hitting Lesson in Journalism

An Open Letter to Jane Sterner, If That Is Her Real Name

Jane - when we published our shocking exposé of your illicit ties to Big Apple, we had no idea you would seize the opportunity to drag the good name of Inaction Alameda News through the mud in a shameful letter to the editor.

We would have been happy to have called you directly to verify the reports, but you have been so rude as to always be ahead of us while waiting on line at the bakery, repeatedly, and made so many personal attacks against us by flagrantly disagreeing with us in various cooking forums, that we felt little interest in initiating direct contact. How could we forget the way you viciously mocked us for stating in a guest editorial in the Alameda Puppy Trainer that apple pie is not, in fact, made from apples at all, but from 36 delicious Ritz® crackers? Then as now, your weapon of hate was the letter to the editor, with which you relentlessly bullied us by calling us "incorrect" and - even now, we shudder to think of it - "wrong."

We here at Inaction Alameda News are hard-boiled news men in the classic sense. We put our lives on the line every day to bring you all the latest hard-hitting rumors and gossip, but surely we can't be expected to pick up the telephone and talk to somebody who might not be nice to us. I mean, we might get our feelings hurt, and how could we possibly continue reporting the news after an unpleasant experience like that? You need to educate yourself a little about journalism before you start beating up on us journalists.

The total record is here for everyone to see – the rumors, and your denial of them. You should get down on your hands and knees and thank us for the invitation and opportunity to publicly refute the rumors that are circulating by word of mouth, especially now that everyone has read about them in our newspaper.

Thanks for reading Inaction Alameda News!

Sincerely yours,
Dave Williamson
Inaction Alameda News

Dave Williamson
Ace Reporter
Inaction Alameda News

Dave Williamson
President, Vice-President, Chairman, and Publisher
Inaction Alameda News

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Jane Sterner Admits to Promoting High-Density Pie Development for Alameda


I was doing some internet [sic] research yesterday on the history of apple pie, and I was surprised to come across Dave Williamson's letter accusing me of being "on the payroll of Big Apple." Huh?

It would have been nice if you had given me a quick call before publishing this completely unfounded and frankly puzzling rumor about me. Better yet, Dave Williamson could easily have gotten in touch with me before even writing his letter. As the senior lattice-top consultant in the Alameda Apple Pie Association, my contact information is publicly available, and I'm always happy to answer questions about pie.

The truth is that no-one pays me anything to bake apple pies. I do it because I enjoy pie-making, and because I believe that delicious pies are good for the happiness of our community. I would be happy if the city of New York, or anyone else, decided to pay me to make pies for those reasons. So far, that hasn't happened.

Also, what is this nonsense about me being "a proponent of high-density pie development for Alameda?" I don't even know what that means, unless Mr. Williamson is referring to my customary advice to really pile the apple slices high to make a nice, thick pie. Oh, and for the record, I'm really not a fan of pastrami or cheesecake, although I might enjoy the challenge of trying to bake bagels to the same golden-brown as my favorite piecrust.

Jane Sterner

Monday, September 14, 2009

Alameda Apple Pie Association’s Jane Sterner on Big Apple's Payroll?

We keep receiving un-confirmed reports that Jane Sterner, of the subversive radical group known as the Alameda Apple Pie Association, also a card-carrying mother, known baseball enthusiast, and a general baked goods activist, is on the payroll of Big Apple. Sterner is well-known – well, to us anyway… – as a pastry activist in Alameda and a proponent of high-density pie development for Alameda and as a proponent of New York City's plan to obtain additional space for real estate development by annexing Alameda Point, which would be renamed "New Manhattan."

New York City is colloquially known as the Big Apple. Coincidence? Our numerous unidentified anonymous sources think not. If this pastry pusher Jane Sterner is on Big Apple's payroll – which we must assume, since she has yet to prove that she is not – she is obviously skirting public disclosure laws by accepting payment entirely in the form of bagels, pastrami on rye, and cheesecake. If Mrs. Sterner would like to confirm this, we'd be happy to publish it. If she would like to deny this, she's on her own.

Dave Williamson
Chief Correspondent
Bureau of Urban Baked Goods and Real Estate Corruption Scandals
Inaction Alameda News

Friday, September 11, 2009

Gangrene Living With Janet Marchant: Greening Our Healthcare

People who know me know how much I care about the health of our planet, and the health of people on it. That's why I've been in a tizzy for months about the whole idea of national healthcare reform. I kept hearing people say that it's urgent for our country to move forward, to ensure better health for all, but then it suddenly hit me: our health care system doesn't need to move forward. We need to take a few steps back. Yes, that's right—back in time, to a simpler kind of health.

Sometimes the old ways are best. You see, the big problem with our current healthcare system is all of those nasty chemicals that doctors use for medical procedures, and prescribe to people who are wellness-challenged. Of course, a lot of our problems could be prevented with measures like healthy eating and exercise like people used to get in the days before steam ships replaced slave galleys, but there's an even more important alternative to the "drugs," "vaccines," and "herbal remedies" that are so commonplace in conventional medicine. I'm referring to the all-natural practice of bloodletting. Most doctors seem to have forgotten that leeches have many uses outside the realm of reattaching severed body parts. And since leeches come from nature, we should be able to get them free of charge, unlike those artificial medicines.

Another old-time idea that could be just what the doctor ordered for our current crisis is gangrene. As anyone who's been to Alameda Countrie Peripherie knows, "grene" is just an olde-tyme spelling of "green," thus it's clear that a "gang grene" was just a "green gang," an association of environmentally conscious peasants who pooled their resources to get a better deal on their all-natural sustainable free-range health insurance, which I understand mainly covered the services of leeches. It's time to say no to all those artificial chemical "medicines," and say yes to all-natural healthcare: just say yes to gangrene!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Ty Czichman: "Recall the School Board Members Who Support Anti-Racism Education!"

Dear Roger,

I cannot believe that anybody would be supporting school board members Tam, Jensen, and Mooney. Whoever these people are that are signing that notorious petition are certainly not right-thinking Alamedans!

It is time to "throw the basterds out" forcibly, for their shameful vote in favor of curriculum that tolerates equality for all.

Even though it may not be "politically correct" since the days of Abraham Lincoln, there are many Alamedans (73 percent, in fact) who are in favor of racism, bigotry, and prejudice against people of a different color of skin and hair. Alamedans of all races and creeds have the RIGHT to insult, jeer, spit upon, discriminate against, and otherwise belittle people who do not look like us.

Our country has existed peacefully for hundreds of years (well, at least until Lincoln came along), with Black and White (not to mention other colors of the rainbow) coexisting in mutual fear and suspicion. So who made these three School Board members think that they have the right to force our children to be taught about some utopian ideal in which diversity is not only tolerated, but actually CELEBRATED? This is absolute hogwash.

I hope you will join us for a midnight rally at City Hall this Sunday night to raise awareness of the upcoming recall election. Everybody is welcome, and if you happen to own a white-colored robe and a hood with a pointy hat, please wear it!

In solidarity,

Ty Czichman

Alameda S.W.E.R.V.E. - "Separating Whiteness Everywhere, Reactive Vitriolic Enterprise"

Editor's Comments:

While the Alameda Daily Noose and I applaud Mr. Chickman's spirit of outrage, we must point out that he seems to be a little unclear on the effects of the School Board's recent actions. There has never been, nor will there ever be anything in our school curricula about people of different races. It would be superfluous, since there has never been any racism in Alameda, nor unwarranted discrimination of any kind.

The real issue is the Board's insistence on corrupting innocent children by exposing them to Thespians. All Thespians, regardless of race, creed, or preference of musical instrument, are not to be trusted. It will be a sad day when an entire generation of children has grown up not being taught to deny the rights and, indeed, the very existence of Thespians.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Does San Francisco Really Need a Bay Bridge?

The San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge was closed over the Labor Day weekend.

Editorial comment: The closure of the Bay Bridge did not appear to have any affect on transportation in Alameda. Perhaps the Board of Supervisors should abolish the obviously unnecessary Bay Bridge and give the money saved to more deserving cities for something worthwhile, like filling some potholes in Alameda's streets.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have long argued that no-one would ever want to go to San Francisco, which is quite understandable since it is not Alameda. The complete lack of automobile traffic over the Bay Bridge this weekend just proves that we were right all along.

We didn't hear anyone complaining about the closure, and we all know that when a thing is truly important in Alameda, someone is sure to complain about it. So, obviously, getting to San Francisco is not important. Nobody was able to drive there this weekend, and it's not as if you could get there on a magical flying horse, or on something really crazy like a train or a boat.

They might as well just let that bridge fall down for all the good it's doing us here in Alameda.

Roger Grumbel

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Sciurine and Scotian Chords Sound Mysterious Note in Alameda Pants Saga


I've long been following the work of InAction Alameda for quite some time, so I think I can recognize a conspiracy when I see one. Perhaps, even you are part of it. I write, of course concerning two of your frequent contributors: Frieda Bellows and Lon Geddoff. It appears that Gerald Auslander's letter provided a perfect foil for Bellows and Geddoff to turn against all Right Thinking Alamedans everywhere. If one takes their criticism of mens wear in general and pants in particular at face value, the natural conclusion is that Right Thinking Alamedans should ban pants from the Island, after all one of them noted that pants wearing is something associated with San Francisco. However, Bellows and Geddoff only EXPOSED themselves as double agents that have infiltrated InAction Alameda.

I suspect the two are working at the behest of our FemBot Mayor, Beverly Johnson and the Squirrels. This is all part of their plot. Once Bellows, Geddoff and the Robot Mayor ban pants, every man in Alameda (Right Thinking ones included) will have to wear KILTS. Don't you see what is going on here? Once they force us into kilts, its only a short fall down the slippery slope to widespread Bagpiper-dom. Stop this scourge! I demand that you investigate Geddoff and Bellows immediately. I sure hope that Former City Council Candidate, Dave Williamson and Coho Jenkins haven't been compromised by these shills for Big Bagpipe. This has all the markings of a classic false flag attack, just like on 4/29.

Looks like the NSA and CIA took down that site, but luckily, I am able to provide a link to the site which no longer exists.


Editor's Comments:

In an unprecedented step, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have redacted the name of the author of this Alameda-shattering bombshell of a letter in order to protect him from potential Tartan repercussions. Let's just say that we hope that his persistent artistic vision continues to reverberate as one note comprised of three—no, make that four—simultaneous chords: curiosity, integrity, excellence, and eternal vigilance against Squirrels and Scotsmen.

Now, the Alameda Daily Noose and I do not mean to downplay the undeniably insidious influence of Tartan in our community, but before we all erupt into entirely understandable panic, let's remember that a ban on all new trousers would not necessarily lead to greater quantities of kilts in Alameda. Existing trousers would be grandfathered in, which would mean that our current treasured way of life would be preserved forever.

Furthermore, Right-Thinking readers can rest assured that citizens such as Lon Geddoff and Former City Council Candidate are among our city's strongest opponents of Bagpipes and just about everything else. They could no more be lured into the sporran of Big Kilt than the Alameda Daily Noose and I could feel sympathy for a Squirrel.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Labor Day Special: Encore Presentation of Encore Presentation of Encore Presentation of Alameda Daily Noose

Editor's Comments:

Due to the long holiday weekend, many of our readers may not be able to read this special encore presentation of one of our best encore presentations of an encore presentation of the Alameda Daily Noose on the day on which it was re-published. If you did not go out of town for the entire weekend, and are therefore able to keep up a normal Right-Thinking routine of reading the Noose as soon as you wake up every morning, then today is Monday, September 7, 2009. If, however, you are on a whitewater rafting trip as we write this, and therefore won't be able to read it until the day after you return from your exhausting adventures, then today is Tuesday, September 8, 2009. Of course, there are always those few readers who extend the long weekend into a full week's vacation, in which case you may be reading this on Monday, September 14, 2009.

Whenever you read this issue, remember that its 100% original content is published by the Alameda Daily Noose, with all rights reserved. We are not going to sit idly by while lowlifes steal our work, especially on Labor Day.

Editor's Comments: The Alameda Daily Noose and I know how much our readers love for things to stay just the way they are, and that's why our encore presentations of exactly the same material that was published earlier are so popular. In fact, some of them are so popular that they deserve their own encore presentations!

EDITOR'S NOTE: The Alameda Daily Noose and I always get nostalgic on holidays, and Labor Day is no exception. This is a time to for Alamedans everywhere to express their gratitude for those who toil long hours under the most difficult working conditions imaginable to bring you the comforts of modern life: things we all take for granted, like an uninterrupted flow of press releases and grumpy letters to the editor. Today, as we reflect on the Herculean deeds of heroic men and their trusty noosepapers, we're sure that our loyal readers also long for a trip down memory lane. Travel with us now back to the spring of 2007, a time when a young Dave Williamson taught us how to laugh at the mistakes of others, a time when Former City Council Candidate sounded the wake-up call to a community in danger of going soft on Squirrels, a time when those darned teeny-boppers danced too suggestively to the strains of Justin Timberlake's number-six hit, "What Goes Around…Comes Around." Then, on Monday, May 14, 2007, like a smack upside the head in the middle of a cold shower, came a letter from right-thinking Alamedan Morton A. Whitling, a letter so astonishingly good that it changed a sleepy island town forever. Now, through the magic of "copy and paste," let us re-live this historic event together:

Dear Editor,

Thank you so much for the Alameda Daily Noose. It is a beautiful thing. And your television show is just spectacular. I watch every episode over and over again until I have memorized everything you say. Really - if you run into me at the grocery store some time, just quiz me and I am sure that I can quote you back to you, verbatim, from any show since the June 19, 2002 episode. Then again, I might be a bit too "star-struck" to be coherent around you; thank goodness for the Internet where we can carefully compose our letters to the editor and take out all the speling mistakes!

Anyways, my wife Claire is expecting, I am wondering if you and your wife would be godparents to our child (it's a girl!!!) It would be an amazing honor to have a celebrity as "part of the family." We love you all so much and we want our daughter to grow up with you as part of her life.

Your website is just so AMAZING. I love the color yellow; it's so under-used in journalism for some reason. And I just can't get over how impartial you are. And I appreciate you printing only the news that none of the other newspapers will print. It shows that you care about Alameda, and you aren't in the pocket of those fat-cat developers who want nothing more than to turn Alameda into a dirty, crowded city like Oakland.

I just love Alameda. I love getting in my car, rolling down the windows, and smelling the beautiful air generated by our beautiful trees along the street. Sometimes I even take myself for a spin down to the beach, and look at the beautiful high-rises in San Francisco and be thankful that they are far, far away. I love to drive by the Victorians and wave at them, and drive by the apartments and give them dirty looks (and even say "boooooo" when I've had a few too many, but don't tell that to the Mrs.!) This is what makes Measure A great. Alameda. It's what it's all about, and you are there, watching over it for us.

And thank you for standing up to defend Measure A. It's a tireless job, but as a journalist with integrity, you push aside the naysayers and you don't let them have their piece. It's what democracy is all about, and it makes me proud to be an Alamedan-American.


Morton A. Whitling

Friday, September 4, 2009

Burn, Baby, Burn, It's a Squirrely Inferno

The Alameda Daily Noose and I interrupt our regularly scheduled hippie-dippy environmentalist column to bring you this urgent dispatch from the front lines of the Global War on Squirrels. Yesterday we received the following "gee-mail" from a mysterious pseudonymous source:

From: Secret Squirrel Lover
Sent: Wednesday, September 02, 2009 1:06 PM
To: Mr Noose
Subject: SFGate: Clumsy squirrel sparks fire near Rossmoor

See? They *are* taking over the world. We may be next.
This article was sent to you by someone who found it on SFGate.
The original article can be found on here:
Wednesday, September 2, 2009 (SF Chronicle)
Clumsy squirrel sparks fire near Rossmoor
Henry K. Lee, Chronicle Staff Writer

(09-02) 12:11 PDT WALNUT CREEK -- A squirrel that became entangled in a power line apparently sparked a wildfire today near the senior residential community of Rossmoor, authorities said.
The two-alarm blaze was reported shortly before 9:30 a.m. in a remote canyon in the hills near Rossmoor on the border between Walnut Creek and Lafayette, said Emily Hopkins, spokeswoman for the Contra Costa County Fire Protection District.
Firefighters contained the blaze, located off a fire trail near Ptarmigan Drive, within an hour. Two firefighters were injured; one suffered an ankle injury and the other a knee injury, Hopkins said.
No evacuations were ordered, and the fire didn't threaten any homes, authorities said.
An undetermined number of Pacific Gas and Electric Co. customers lost their electricity when the squirrel became caught in the power line, authorities said.
The squirrel died, Hopkins said.

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Copyright 2009 SF Chronicle
Editor's Comments:

First of all, the fact that this missive is addressed to the Alameda Daily Noose but not to me is a bit suspicious. Here at Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters, most of the mail is addressed to me, which is only natural given that the Alameda Daily Noose and I agreed a long time ago that it was only fair that I should always receive top billing. The really fishy—or, should we say, Squirrely—thing is the author's pseudonym, "Secret Squirrel Lover." Why would a self-professed Squirrel-hugger provide useful dispatches to a sworn enemy? Could this message actually be intended as a warning shot across Alameda's bow? Perhaps there is a trace of triumphant glee in the observation that "we may be next."

The Alameda Daily Noose and I treat such threats very seriously. Astute readers will note that the suicide attack Squirrel in the story cut the power of an unspecified number of victims who might well have been followers of the Alameda Daily Noose. Without access to the valiant, independent voice of the Noose, alone in its tireless reporting on the Global War on Squirrels, how can the rest of the world hope to survive the coming Squirrely inferno?

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Frieda Bellows Wants to Give Trousers-Wearers a Wedgie


Lon Geddoff is right. We don't need any stores selling pants in Alameda. As someone mentioned recently, pants are the kind of thing they sell in San Francisco. Do we want Alameda to be like San Francisco? I don't think so!

Alameda should just ban pants outright. Have you ever noticed that almost all violent crimes are committed by people wearing pants? I mean, when was the last time you heard of a bank robber running away from the scene of the crime in spike heels and a mini dress? And how could anyone conceal a weapon in the waistband of a pair of Speedos? Obviously, pants cause crime, so selling pants in Alameda would increase our crime rate.

Existing pairs of trousers in Alameda could be grandfathered in, but we don't have room for a single new pair in this town. Mr. Auslander needs to just face reality and give up on his pants-pushing agenda right now. I'm going to be keeping an eye out for these unscrupulous, professional pants promoters, and anyone I see wearing a new pair of trousers is going to get a wedgie.

Frieda Bellows

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Lon Geddoff Cuts Men's Wear Industry Down to Size


I cant' believe that outrageous letter you printed about trying to ram a new business down our throats here in Alameda. It's obvious that Mr. Auslander, if that is his real name, is just a paid shill for the Men's Wear industry. In other words, he is in the pocket of Big Trousers! We all know that's a pretty big pocket, which is why there is room for almost all of our politicians in it. The Men's Wear industry doesn't need any help from us, in fact they need to be cut down to size.

Besides that, no Right-Thinking Alamedan would want any kind of new store in town, because that would cause traffic. Anyone who's spent any amount of time here knows that our roads are already filled to capacity. Why, there are times when I'm driving, and I have to be careful not to drift over the center line because there are actually other cars coming in the opposite direction! What is this town coming to?

Lon Geddoff

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Newcomer Loves Alameda, Daily Noose, and Me


I'm new to Alameda, and I was glad to find your website with all of the good information about what's what in Alameda. This is a great town, but the one thing I wish you had here is a good men's wear store. I was trying to buy a pair of pants the other day, and I just couldn't find what I needed at any of the clothing stores in Alameda. I thought maybe some of your readers know about some secret place to shop for pants in Alameda. Or, if there isn't any place like that, maybe some people would be interested in helping me lobby the City Council to get a good men's wear store here.

Gerald Auslander

Editor's comments:

As anyone who is actually from Alameda knows, there is no need to buy men's wear in Alameda. For hundreds of years, it has been traditional for the men of Alameda to get in their cars and drive to some other city to purchase trousers, breeches, plus-fours, jodhpurs, or whatever type of leg coverings happened to be appropriate at the time. It's a good thing that the Alameda Daily Noose and I are here to clear up this kind of misunderstanding.