Traitor Roy Avery wants to destroy Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus"!

Editor,

I must say, I was taken aback by Mr. Kirkland's violent overreaction to my modest peat bog proposal. Mr. Kirkland may long for auld lang syne, before Scotsmen ever found their way to Alameda's bonnie shores, but all of his wishing won't change the Association of Bay Area Governments' Projected Immigrant Population Estimate, or ABAGPIPE. According to ABAGPIPE, Alameda must accommodate its fair share of approximately 3,979 additional Scotsmen by 2025.

Sadly, Alameda's record so far is abysmal: It has only managed to house 27% of its fair share of Scotsmen from 1995 to 2005, earning it a grade of "F" from the Bay Area Scottish Council. Some have argued that Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus" is largely to blame.

Many things have changed since "Measure Angus" was passed in 1893. I won't deny that bagpipes are still a concern, but recent innovations in the new field of Tartan-oriented development (TOD) allow the clustering of Scotsmen around so-called Tartan nodes, where a colorful interweaving of different land uses and transportation options allows Scotsmen to board convenient public transport vehicles instead of striding endlessly around the bogs, playing their bagpipes. Here are some photographs that illustrate the exciting TOD concept in action:




These quiet, modern ferries and trains whisk the Scotsmen to their destinations in air-conditioned, sound-insulated comfort. Study after study has shown that Scotsmen living in Tartan-oriented developments own fewer bagpipes per household and play them less often than those living on the sparsely populated heaths commonly known as "Scottish sprawl."

Just a wee modification to "Measure Angus," geographically limited to the peat-friendly area of Alameda Point, would allow for the kind of Tartan-oriented development that will enable Alameda to accommodate its ABAGPIPE fair share of Scotsmen in a way that enriches the whole community while minimizing the perceived impact of bagpiping.

Roy Avery

Dave Williamson tears Roy Avery a rhetorical new one

Rog,

There he goes again. Roy Avery tries to play sweet and innocent, claiming that he only wants a "wee" modification to Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus," just for Alameda Point. Well, that is just the camel's nose under the kilt! Make one "wee" exception and pretty soon every Scotsman in Alameda will be asking for his own peat bog, and taking it all the way the Supreme Court!

Furthermore, I just snapped a picture that proves that so-called Tartan-oriented development is nothing but a pipe dream...a bagpipe dream, that is! Sure, Roy Avery would have us believe that Scotsmen are going to leave their bagpipes at home and take public transit, but he neglects to mention that only 30% of Scotsmen will ever take quote-unquote transit. That means 70% will drive their cars, and, as my photo clearly shows, they will all demand special bagpiper parking places! And I don't even have to tell you what kind of horrible effect a drive-by piping can have on The Children.


You know what? I would not be surprised at all if the white car in the photo belonged to none other than Roy Avery! Yes, he claims to be a big so-called transit advocate, but then he puts his bagpipes in the trunk of his automobile, which I'm 100% certain he drives to work every day! You don't see him trying to fit those bagpipes into the basket of his bicycle, do you? Roy Avery is just like all of the other people who are out to destroy "Measure Angus." What a bunch of hypocrites!

Oh, and did I mention that Alameda is an island? Study after study, including an extensive survey conducted by the prestigious Royal Board of Ordnance, has shown that Scotland is most certainly not an island. That means quote-unquote Tartan-oriented can never work here. I rest my case.

Dave Williamson

Nightmare of Compulsory Bagpipe Instruction to Begin When Secret Scotsman Obama Takes Office

Editor,

Now, I'm no fan of heightened Squirrel activity myself, having had some problems with them in the past that I'd rather not mention here, but I think you are placing too much emphasis on whatever gains they may have made in the recent election. It's much more important to celebrate the great gains that Alameda is sure to enjoy as soon as Barack Obama begins working on government programs to promote tartan infrastructure and bagpipe instruction.

I look forward to our new president steam-rolling right over those hysterical obstructionists who complain that bagpipes are too "loud" and should be strictly limited or even eliminated, and who say similar things about kilts and other fine tartan resources. Soon, bagpipe lessons will be not only available but compulsory for all primary school children large enough to heft the instrument. Ah, what a glorious day it will be when our Fourth of July parade is filled with little pipe and drum corps from all the schools!

And there will be no more "plaid washing" of new developments or redevelopment zones, either. From now on, it will be genuine, sustainable Tartan-Oriented Development all the way.

I'm proud to say that some of my bagpipe-playing friends and I were not only vocal but instrumental in the election of our new leader. We stood the requisite 100 feet from various polling places rendering My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean while Danny MacSteele sang her own lyrics to it, with a rousing chorus of "Bring Barack, bring Barack, oh bring Barack Obama to me." I believe the lass is heartened by Obama's keen interest in reading history and literature. She certainly belted out the tune with gusto, so I'm sure our efforts carried well beyond the 100 foot mark. We noticed that it seemed to encourage people on their way to the polls, as nearly all of them accelerated their pace as they passed us.

It's a time for all to be glad now, so let's not tarnish that mood with minor worries about Squirrels.

Roy Avery

Editor's Comments:

In reporting on the election, the Alameda Daily Noose and I connected the dots to form a "Triangle of Absolute Proof that Obama is a Secret Scotsman." Unfortunately, the Alameda Daily Noose, I, and other opponents of this absurd candidate were ignored and The Children™ now stand in peril of having Bagpipe instruction rammed down their young, innocent throats. This sickening development makes the Alameda Daily Noose and me even prouder that we did not sully our good names by voting in this sham of a so-called election.

When Evil Red Squirrels Battle Evil Scottish Developers, Just Whose Side is a Right-Thinking Alamedan Supposed to Take?

Once again, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have scooped all of the other major news media by being the first to report—well, OK, the first to report in a soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper—that the exodus of Squirrels from Alameda is causing confusing repercussions around the globe. Apparently, a group of Sciurine Communists has single-pawedly stopped an entire housing development in the weak, Squirrel-coddling nation of Scotland.

The backward island nation of Scotland, which lacks both Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" and Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus," is defenseless not only against Squirrels but also against Bagpipes. Paradoxically, by allowing Squirrels to get the upper paw, Scotland has actually prevented the construction of more high-density housing for Scotsmen, which, as all Right-Thinking Alamedans know, leads inevitably to a plague of Bagpipes.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are used to sharp distinctions and easy answers. We find it extremely disturbing that we are unsure whether we should root for the Evil Communist Squirrels for battling the scourge of Tartan-oriented development, or applaud the Evil Developers for plotting to destroy the secret bases or "dreys" of the Evil Squirrels. Our uneasiness is proof that there is something terribly, terribly wrong with the country of Scotland, and only reinforces our belief that "Measure Angus"—together with "Measure Acorn"—is the only thing that can save our Treasured Island.

A "Third Way" Around Alameda's Bagpipe Controversy

Rog,

With all of the controversy lately over pro-Scottish propaganda, and fears about increasing Tartan congestion, it's time for some honest, straightforward analysis of where Alamedans stand on the issue of Bagpipe proliferation. Some extremists argue for an outright ban on Bagpipes as the only reliable solution. Other, equally extreme extremists actually believe that we should maintain current levels of Bagpipes, or even encourage higher concentrations of the purportedly musical instruments, as in so-called Tartan-Oriented Development.

As one of the only people doing any real research in this town, I have arrived at a solution that is not extreme at all. In fact, my research shows that the idea is supported by European Union health and safety laws. That is not to say that Alameda should blindly follow the example of other nations, which are in most ways completely unlike us. In this case, however, I can see that decision-makers in Brussels were inspired by my whitepaper entitled "Muffling Alameda's Bagpipes," in which I advocate a cap on the number of homes in Alameda that would be allowed to harbor Bagpipes, and a comprehensive plan of sound-proofing and ongoing earplug distribution to minimize the impact of any increase in total Bagpipes.

It should be clear that "Muffling Alameda's Bagpipes" provides a reasonable compromise - a third way - between the two extremes of Bagpipe eradication and Bagpipe hugging. We might all enjoy the charms that Bagpipe proponents insist they possess, if only the darn things didn't make so much noise! The sooner everyone recognizes the sheer genius of my modest proposal, the better.

Dave Williamson

Alameda Daily Noose Acquires SunCal Plans for Alameda Point

Thanks to a Right-Thinking employee of SunCal who leaked some documents to us, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are ready to expose the latest shocker in the nefarious plans to develop Alameda Point.

We have been worried about the overdevelopment—by which we mean "development" of anything "over" what is there today—of Alameda Point, and concerned that SunCal would be creating Tartan-Oriented Development that would be in violation of Measure Angus. It turns out that their plans are even more troublesome. As the smuggled blueprints show (click the image to enlarge), the plans are to build what can only be described as an enormous peat bog, possibly combined with a Communist Squirrel Refuge, over most of the area now known as Alameda Point.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I will keep you posted as further developments come to light. And if any readers have an inkling of what happened to the area just to the East of Webster Street, please let us know. It is very disturbing to the Alameda Daily Noose and me to see a big empty space where the Rusty Scupper and its surroundings should be! What will become of Cap'n Everett's Yard Sail? Is nothing sacred, not even our precious swaths of free parking?! Be warned, Squirrel Coddlers and Bagpipe Huggers: We are watching you! One false move, and you will be in for a tch-tch-tch-ing you'll never forget. Right-Thinking Alamedans are nothing if not scrupulous in our demonization of those who disagree with us.

Scoop! of Revelations: Mayor Johnson's "Robotic" Call Now on the U-Tubes

Editor's Comments:

On Thursday, many Alamedans received a telephone call from Alameda's lame duck mayor, Beverly Johnson. The Alameda Daily Noose and I soon realized that this was no ordinary phone call, but rather a shocking and surprising revelation of our so-called mayor's shocking hidden secret. We have once again scooped all of the other major news media by obtaining the following exclusive, 100% accurate dramatization of Thursday's "Robotic" call to Alameda residents, which we have posted on the U-Tubes so that all Right-Thinking Alamedans, even those crazy kids today, can see it for themselves:



Johnson courted Alameda voters by stating on her campaign in the mayoral election that she was a "good" "person" who could be "trusted." Her signs included the slogan, "Trust Me, I'm Not an Evil Robot." However, as the "Robotic" call and our hard-hitting dramatization thereof prove, our so-called mayor is, in fact, an Evil Robot bent on destroying Alameda with some kind of "Force Fields" emanating from a secret base cleverly disguised as a Tartan-Oriented Development.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I suspected all along that the mayor is an Evil Robot, but we did not mention it publicly for fear of creating a panic. Well, the time for panic has finally arrived. Today at noon, there will be a demonstration at City Hall protesting the mayor's plan to build a secret base at Alameda Point as a launching pad for her army of Robotic minions to enslave the human race.

We hope that this will be only the first of many demonstrations against the mayor's diabolical plan with increasing numbers of protesters in future weeks to insure that the Evil Robots will be defeated in the upcoming Apocalyptic Battle for Truth, Justice, and the Alamedan Way. We hear it's scheduled for November.

Roger Grumbel

How Right Is Your Thinking? Take the Alameda Daily Noosiversary Quiz!

Today, the celebration of the beginning of our Interweb archiving continues with our Alameda Daily Noosiversary quiz. A special prize will go to the Right-Thinking Alamedan with the highest score. Of course, all of our loyal readers should be able to answer the following questions with perfect accuracy, so we will draw a random name from among those whose answers are 100% correct.

1. The best restaurant in town is:

a. Ole's Gruel and Hardtack Hovel
b. Gym's Coffee Clutch
c. either of the Wienerschnitzel fine German dining establishments
d. the Rusty Scupper Family Seafood Restaurant on the Alameda Riviera

2. The one thing that protects our high quality of life in Alameda is:

a. Measure Acorn
b. Measure Angus
c. the Alameda Daily Noose and I
d. all of the above

3. Anyone who manages to get elected to public office in this town must, by definition, be:

a. an idiot
b. too clever to be trusted
c. in the Developer's Pocket
d. all of the above

4. The only place to buy groceries in Alameda is:

a. the enormous new Safeway
b. Lucky, which the Alameda Daily Noose and I never called "Albertson's"
c. that hippie grocery store where you can buy prunes in bulk
d. Dusty Shelves Market

5. Traffic in Alameda is:

a. as bad as it was when the base was open
b. worse than Manhattan, Mexico City, and Bangkok combined
c. not my fault, because I have to drive
d. all of the above

6. The only good Bagpipe is:

a. one fighting with a Squirrel
b. locked safely in a closet thanks to school funding cuts
c. close to convenient mass transit in a Tartan-Oriented Development "node" with a large concentration of other Bagpipes
d. a dead Bagpipe

7. The Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates is all the fault of:

a. Squirrels
b. people who don't even live in Alameda
c. the Mayor
d. all of the above

8. The Alameda Daily Noose's 2,000th interweb visitor resides in:

a. Alameda
b. Brazil
c. China
d. definitely China; the Alameda Daily Noose and I know this for a fact

9. Next to Squirrels and Bagpipes, the greatest threat known to Alameda is:

a. John Knox White
b. so-called traffic calming devices
c. people regularly parking in front of my house
d. all of the above

10. The best number of questions to ask in a soon-to-be-award-winning quiz is:

a. 165
b. 9
c. 26
d. 10

Submit your Right-Thinking answers by jotting them on an otherwise useless issue of the Alameda Fish Wrap "newspaper" and slipping it under the door of Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters. Or, for the technolo-savvy reader, type your answers into a gee-whiz mail message addressed to rogergrumbel@gmail.com and hit the "send" dingus. All answers must be received by 5:00 p.m. on March 31st, 2008, in order to qualify.

Roy Avery Doesn't Frighten the Alameda Daily Noose and Me

Editor,

You've gone too far this time, Roger Grumbel. You've insulted the honorable clan of bagpipers, of which I am a proud member, by calling us a "bunch of cowards." You'd better run for the hills, Grumbel, because the next time I see you in a safe, well-lighted, public place with plenty of people around, I'll be asking if you want to call me a coward to my face! We'll see who's the coward then.

Roy Avery,
Bagpiper, peat bog afficionado, and staunch supporter of tartan-oriented development

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are not the least bit frightened by Roy Avery's threat. We feel perfectly safe here at the Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters, and have been peeking outside at frequent intervals to make sure that we really are safe. Besides, Roy Avery knows that if he ever tried something as reprehensible as speaking to us in public, we would slap a restraining order on him faster than you can say "huge, intimidating Scotsman who must stand at least 5' 4", and who smells menacingly of bluebells and daffodils."

Real Alameda Can Still Be Found in Parts of Our Treasured Island

Editor,

What is this town coming too? I mean parts of it are still okay, the parts that I call "real Alameda," but there's a lot of un-Alamedan stuff going on, too. There are all of these shoppers in the business districts, going to restaurants, parking in that huge garage without even complaining about it, and somebody recently tore out my favorite trash-strewn weed lot to put in who-knows-what. I'm sure I won't like it, whatever it turns out to be.

There are people out there who don't see our Treasured Island the same way that you and I do. Why, some of them think this town is imperfect enough to pal around with developers!

I'm for closing Alameda's borders right now, so that no more of these un-Alamedans can get in. It's bad enough already, what with people like that Roy Avery spewing vitriol all the time in your Noosepaper and I guess probably everywhere else. I've read about him, I think in some gee-mail that my cousin sent, that someone else sent her, and so I know that Roy Avery is a housing planner. That scares me to death.

Betsy Baker

Editor's Comments:

Miss Baker is mistaken. Roy Avery is a decent person who just happens to disagree with the Alameda Daily Noose and me on energy subsidies, Bagpipe density, Tartan-oriented development, and every other issue that matters. Unlike those despicable housing planners, Mr. Avery actually loves his family, and he is only heck-bent on destroying Alameda.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I Pause to Reflect

Lately, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have been looking over some of our past journalistic masterpieces, and wondering, have we been too grumpy? It's not that we could ever be wrong in our evaluation of the hottest issues in our community, but maybe some of them aren't quite as imminently threatening as we thought at first. For example, Squirrels are annoying, without a doubt, but is there really reason to believe that they have a wide network of covert operations underway in Alameda and were responsible for the fraudulent election of our current President, Secret Scotsman Barack Obama?

And speaking of Scotsmen, maybe a little more Tartan-Oriented Development is exactly what our community needs. Of course, that would lead to increased Bagpipe traffic, but there aren't really that many Bagpipers on our streets now. Other communities are already housing more than their share of Bagpipers, and Alameda could easily absorb some of the excess Pipers. The resulting reduction in acoustic competition among overcrowded Pipers would make the entire Bay Area more livable.

Perhaps we were hasty in labeling the mayor as an Evil Robot. Maybe she's just a mildly malicious Robot. And her minions, such as that John Knox White guy, might actually be well-meaning, intelligent people who love Alameda but just happen to disagree with us.

Ha! April Fool! We hope we didn't scare you too much. The Alameda Daily Noose and I realize that not everyone has such a good sense of humor as we do. We'll give you a moment to catch up and understand the tremendous prank we just pulled on you. Are you feeling better now? Don't worry, we know full well that Alameda wouldn't be Alameda without plenty of snap judgments and general grumpiness. Our journalistic integrity demands that we continue to bring you scoops of hard-hitting grump, and stand behind our noble persecution of Wrong-Thinking "Alamedans."

Grumpy Noose Year!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I just love to make predictions for the new year. We are so good at making predictions that we don't bother reviewing our previous predictions for accuracy, for that would take up valuable time we could otherwise spend gloating and saying, "I told you so."

The aughts have been a fine decade for outrage and indignation, righteous and otherwise; however, next year alone promises to make the last decade look like a garden party by comparison. Yes, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are talking about the special election on February 2, 2010, better known as The Single Most Important Event in Human History.

Despite the fact that everyone in the world will be voting "no" on Measure B (as in Bagpipes) in February, it's worth pointing out that a "yes" on B would mean the end of Alameda and Greater Alameda (sometimes referred to as "the world") as we know it. Under the utopian guise of so-called Tartan-Oriented Development, the Evil Developer would first construct massive peat bogs and, like the vile Robert the Bruce of Scotland, use them to defeat his enemies, the Right-Thinking Alamedans. Like Pharaoh, he would order the building of great pyramids out on the old Navy base, enslaving an army of Alamedans to accomplish the task. Then, like Alexander the Great, he would weep, for there would be no more Alamedas for him to conquer. Finally, in an apocalyptic, apoplectic climax, all of Alameda Point would sink into the sea, like the doomed city of Atlantis, dragging the rest of Alameda down with it. Life as we know it would cease, and an eternal pall of darkness would fall over Greater Alameda.

In other words, Measure B is Bad. NO on B.

No.

Bad!

Some Perfectly Fair Questions About Alameda Point

The Alameda Daily Noose and I received an anonymous tip informing us that there is a shadowy "push poll" being conducted on the future of Alameda Point, colloquially known as "Alameda Point." Normally we would condemn this kind of nefarious activity, but after reading the fair and balanced questions, we feel compelled to bring the survey to the attention of all Right-Thinking Alamedans:

1. Don't you think that it would be better to leave Alameda Point as a big empty space, or, better yet, a place for people from out of town to fly their model airplanes?

2. Would you rather that the future of Alameda Point be placed in the hands of Evil Developers from Out of Town, who would like nothing better than to tie up our Treasured Island and have their way with her, or would you prefer it to be placed in the hands of kind, gentle, Right-Thinking Alamedans?

3. Should that Manhattanite, John…Knox…White, be tarred, feathered, or both?

4. What are your top complaints about the potential redevelopment of Alameda Point? Please rank the following choices from 1 to 5:

• Traffic.


• Traffic.


• Traffic.


• Traffic.


• TRAFFIC!

5. Wouldn't you have to be some kind of an idiot to support so-called Tartan Oriented Development at Alameda Point, knowing full well that it might be your children who are exposed to Bagpipe music every night, and knowing that Scotsmen might be parking in front of your house?

6. Measure Acorn, colloquially known as "Measure Acorn": great measure, or greatest measure?

7. Is it not untrue that trees beget Squirrels, and Squirrels beget mayhem, and therefore, tree density should continue to be limited by "Measure Acorn" at Alameda Point?

8. If Chuck Corica were alive today, wouldn't you agree that He would be disgusted by any plans for Alameda Point that did not consist entirely of a golf course, and wouldn't you be a sorry excuse for an Alameda citizen—ignorant of our Treasured Island's history and not fit to kiss its soiled golf shoes—if you thought otherwise?

9. Don't you hate surveys that don't have a nice, tidy, round number of questions?

10. Don't you love it when the handsome, intelligent writers of a survey insert a completely unnecessary, totally uninformative question at the end, even though there's no more information to be gleaned, just to make a nice, tidy, round number of questions?

Please record your answers on a standard 5" by 5" cocktail napkin and submit them to Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters by Tuesday, December 4, 2007. All of the results we like will be tabulated and published whenever we are darned well good and ready.