Thursday, January 1, 2009

Grumpy Noose Year!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I don't love making predictions nearly as much as we love rubbing people's faces in them when they come true, which they invariably do. With that in mind, here is our official, exclusive list of predictions for 2009:

  1. Someone will make a plan to build something or accomplish some task, the Alameda Daily Noose and I will condemn it in no uncertain terms, and then, not everything will go according to said plan, thereby proving to all Right-Thinking Alamedans that so-called planning is nothing but a huge waste of time.
  2. A steady increase in the comings and goings of airships will create a sort of Zeppelin traffic Looney Tunes, or perhaps even a Zeppelin traffic Merrie Melodies, in the general vicinity of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates.
  3. Our new president, Barack Obama, will be tested early in his first term. As a Secret Scotsman who is also certifiably Soft on Squirrels, he will cave in to clandestine pressure and fail to allow U.N. inspectors to verify that Scotland's Bagpipe program is, in fact, being used for "peaceful musical purposes," as the devious Scots claim.
  4. Blitz Donnerwetter's weather predictions will be proved more or less correct an astonishingly high 50% of the time.
  5. Our loyal newshound, Scoop, will finally catch one of those pesky Squirrels that taunt him so. Either that, or he will finally catch one of those pesky young skateboard punks who pass dangerously close to our lawn every single school day.
  6. A publication considered an arbiter of style and good taste will declare that lists of exactly ten items are most definitely "out" for 2009, and that six is "the new ten."
Well, there you have it. Please write these predictions down for future reference, and start thinking about whether you prefer the taste of crow or the taste of your own hat!

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