Friday, August 31, 2007

No fare? No fair!


I was filling up my truck at a local gas station, one whose extended hours are not terrorizing the neighbors and killing The Children, when I saw one of A.C. Transit's 120-foot double-articulated "Van Hell" Neighborhood Assault Buses pull up to the curb to pick up some of those people who never ride the bus. I couldn't help but notice that none of those non-people paid a single dime to ride the bus - in fact, there was some kind of plastic bag over the farebox that said something about sparing the air. What, no fare? No fair, I say!

Like all right-thinking Alamedans, I pay way too much in taxes every single year. As a result, I have the God-given right to pilot my truck down unobstructed freeways from sea to shining sea. Where did all these lousy good-for-nothing spongers get off riding the bus for free, when I still had to pay to fill up my tank? I can't believe all of these empty buses packed to the gills with people who didn't pay anything to ride on them! Is there no justice in this world?

Even if paying for bus rides was depleting our air supply, the obvious solution would be to get rid of the buses. But of course only paid shills for Big Oxygen would claim that we are running out of air. I mean think about it, it's ridiculous! When I finished filling my truck about twenty minutes later and got in, I cranked up the "A/C" to "MAX", and plenty of cool, refreshing air came out. That proves that those do-gooder spare-the-air apologists just want us upstanding American drivers to spare their fare.

Dave Williamson

Thursday, August 30, 2007

W.W.C.C.D.? Jean Kerkwilligers Knows Darned Well!

Dear Roger,

What in the world is this town coming to? With Squirrels and Alligators running around everywhere, to say nothing of those people regularly parking in front of my house, I’m afraid to set foot outside my door. Why, if Chuck Corica was still mayor, he wouldn’t stand for any of it. He would not only ban trees and standing water, but he’d also demand the resignation of every single member of the Recreation and Park Board, Transportation Committee, and Civil Service Commission just for good measure. I remember just as plain as day that that’s exactly the sort of thing he used to do all the time.

Yours truly,
Jean Kerkwilligers

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Rec. & Park Dept. Doesn't Care if Ala-Gators (sic) Eat The Children: Sick!

Alameda's swimmers had better beware, because the water you swim in could be crawling with alligators! Hidden at the bottom of a page from the City’s own website, like an aquatic carnivore waiting to strike, is the proof that these scaly menaces have even been involved in local swim meets:

Of course, given that they can't even spell "alligator" properly, we can't expect any protection from those so-called experts at City Hall. Knowing this, what parent would ever allow his children to take swimming lessons in this reptile-coddling town? When will the City admit that swimmers, and especially The Children, are in danger of being eaten? After who-knows-how-many years of letting the threat spread, it's time for the head of the Recreation and Park Department to step down, preferably into a pool full of alligators.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Lon Geddoff Says the Alameda Daily Noose and I Are Great, Plus Some Other Stuff


I am writing to support Dave Williamson in his brave struggle to halt delivery of the Alameda Fish Wrap to his home. Why, if Chuck Corica was still Mayor, he would of paid City workers overtime to collect every single last one of those papers lounging around town and dump the whole lot on the front steps of the Fish Wrap's office building, where they came from.

Dave Williamson has a good point about our next to useless local newspapers. I can't quite remember what his point is, but I know that I like the way he does such careful investigating, and comes to conclusions that seem like just what I was already thinking, or maybe about to think. From now on, I'm not going to bother reading any news stories, because they must all be incompetantly written pieces of propaganda where some brainiac twists the "facts" to match up with their not so secret agenda. Of course, I’m only talking about printed news. The Alameda Daily Noose is nothing like that, because you are so unbiased. Keep up the good work!

Lon Geddoff

Monday, August 27, 2007

Dave Williamson Uncovers Shocking Truth About Departing Editor of Alameda Fish Wrap


Despite my repeated calls to the Contra Costa Rag to stop delivery of the Alameda Fish Wrap to my house, it still comes. So, Sunday, I arose to my front porch, dusted off my sun-baked Friday edition of the Wrap, turned to the Editorial page, and what do I see? Nothing less than Sam "Seymour Hearst" or, if you prefer "William Randolph Hersh" Loomis, moving on to greener pastures after merely 16 months at the helm. Mr. Hersh, er, Loomis wrote in his editorial, "I can't wait to get back out on the "proverbial" street again." An interesting choice of words, "street." What else scampers around on the street, skittering from job to job?

Yes, the real reason Sam Loomis is leaving the Fish Wrap is that I was so close to exposing his true identity. As part of my extensive investigative report into why the Fish Wrap was still being delivered to my house, I surprised Mr. Loomis in what I can only assume was his office, which was located centrally in the building, and so full of vegetation that at first I mistook it for an atrium. Yes, Mr. Loomis, better known as "Sammy the Squirrel" from his days as a cub reporter at the despicable enviro-Nazi Ranger Rick Magazine, had managed to hide his Squirrely identity for over a year, all the while using his bully editorial pulpit to preach his villanous screeds against Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn."

Your readers who don't know what I'm talking about, or those who still deny that the traditional news media have been completely infiltrated by bushy-tailed terrorists, need only open your eyes to the fuzzy reality of this photo I snapped of Alameda Fish Wrap Editor Sam, or should I say Sammy, Loomis:

Separately, for those who will take me to task for challenging the local "authorities," I refer you to a book by famous hotelier and entrepreneur, Richard Sheraton, who wrote in his epic tome Familiar Quotations, Little, Brown and Company, 1980, ISBN 0-316-08275-9 - "The newspapers! Sir, they are the most villainous - licentious - abominable - infernal - Not that I ever read them - no - I make it a rule never to look into a newspaper." Interpretation of these remarks is left as an exercise for the readers.

Dave Williamson

Friday, August 24, 2007

As Grumpy As They Wanna Be


The official tallies are in from the 18th Annual Alameda Cultural Heritage Education Society's Celebrity Grump-A-Thon last week. Two participants suffered minor strain in their jaw muscles and were treated and released from Alameda Hospital (but not until after some vigorous complaining about that darned parcel tax!), and five others claimed to have rant-related dehydration, but that's not the fault of our organizers.

As usual, our most popular category by far was that old crowd-pleaser #12, "People Regularly Parking in Front of My House." However, our most generous donations came from a pair of anonymous local solar power enthusiasts who each pledged 50 cents an hour for the topic, "Those Sorry Excuses for Fish Wrap Nobody Reads." And boy, did the complainers go on a tear with that one!

We could thank all of our other donors, but we tried that last year, and it was more work than it was worth. We couldn’t even tell if any donors pledged again this year as a result, and besides, some of us are burned out from writing so many checks to A.C.H.E.S. ourselves. To those who didn’t pledge, thanks for nothing!

Janice Lighter-Merv

Thursday, August 23, 2007

5:07 a.m.: Kirkland's Kriticism for Kids


City Council did a good thing supporting extended hours for that gas station. Normally I would be against any kind of change, but my favorite Councilmember ended up voting for it, so it must have been right. In retrospect, there were a number of good speakers with good points. Good job, Council!

A disappointing aspect of the meeting was the "Youth Committee" concept. There were so many kids who thought it was so important that Alameda youth have a say, and their own "Comission". It looked like 20-30 kids showed up to the CC meeting to support the formation of the Youth Board, but not one of the kids had a word to say on the gas station, how they or others their age feel about the gas station, its impacts on them, or what their city should do about it, or anything on the decision which was the agenda item immediately following the Youth Committee vote. It looked like none of the kids even stayed for the discussion; they just filed out after getting the approval for a new comission. Don't they realize the very real impact of the gas station on their futures?

I wanted to believe that The Children are our future, but after last night's pathetic performance, I have serious doubts about the next generation's ability to face the gravest issues of the new millenium, like high gas prices, Squirrels and getting people to stop parking in front of my house. Youth should be taught to complain early and often. When I was a kid, we complained every day, uphill, both ways, and we didn't need any fancy "Youth Board" to do it!

These kids today need to use their God-given mouths and mouse pads to let everyone in town know which side they are on. We all know that there is only one right side, and that is the side that protects The Children. We can't do it without their help. I am OUTRAGED that youth today seem to have no interest in the problems of youth today.

Donald Kirkland

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Shocking Exposé Finally Reveals Who's in the Developer's Pocket

Last night, as the Alameda Daily Noose and I stumbled home from a big night on the town, we took a wrong turn and found ourselves in a dead-end alleyway:

We were immediately suspicious, because we had received no notice of an alleyway existing in that location, whether by mail or via public official knocking on our door and sitting down with us in our living room over a beer to talk over the problem of dead-end alleys ruining a convivial night on the town.

As we stood there in the shadows, collecting photographic evidence and pondering to whom we should complain about the alley, a large man smoking an even larger cigar crept up and rapped out a strange rhythm on the battered door. "Password?" came a gruff voice from inside. "Manhattan," the cigar smoker whispered, and the door swung open just long enough for the Alameda Daily Noose to snap this picture:

In a flash, we knew that we had discovered the secret location of the legendary speakeasy known only as "The Developer's Pocket"! Right-thinking Alamedans have long told stories of the unsavory decisions that are made in its smoke-filled back room, where Shills and Stooges swarm to receive their marching orders from the cigar-chomping, whiskey-swilling legions of Evil Developers.

Unfortunately, that flash of ours was a dead giveaway in the dark, smoky room . Two Fat Cats, a Shill, and a Stooge gave chase, pelting us with deceptively glossy campaign flyers. Luckily, the Alameda Daily Noose spotted something protruding from a nearby Dumpster: a tattered lawn sign for Former City Council Candidate! Wielding it like a shield, we handily deflected the nefarious flyers and the Fat Cats recoiled in horror, scurrying back to the safety of their lair. Whew, what a close call!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Little Jimmy Discloses Information Pertaining to Little Johnny's Worksheet Answers

Dear Mr. Grumbel,

No fair! Now that the assistant principal has sided with teacher's pet Johnny about how to play kickball, I feel like I have to tell everybody about Johnny's worksheet answers in social studies class. All of his answers on Wednesday's worksheet were wrong! I know, because they were all different from smartypants Elena's answers, which I copied carefully, so I know his were different. But the teacher still gave Johnny an A-, and Elena got an A+, but I got a D-! That's impossible! Somebody musta cheated, or else the teacher just hates me!! The teacher said the answers were different because different kids got different questions on the worksheets, but that can't be true because how would he grade them? Everyone knows that there's only one answer key. I know, because I peeked at it before class, but there were too many answers on there to memorize.

Johhny always gets good grades but it must be just because he's such a goody two-shoes in front of the teacher, so the teacher likes him. It can't be because he goes home and studies instead of playing a Gameboy all night, because nobody's stupid enough to spend all of their time studying. Even Johhny, who's like the biggest geek in the world because he's so smart and wears glasses and looks like that stupid wizard boy from the movies, wouldn't actually study for a class called social studies. Why would the class be called studies if your supposed to study outside of class?

Johhny's just a mean, stupid, doofus cheater who calls people names and doesn't even know how to play kickball. Mr. Grumbel, your so great that I'm sure you understand what a poopy pants Johhny is. Will you be my friend and take my side?

Jimmy Ward

Editor's note: That Jimmy is one bright, articulate youth who's obviously going places in this town. He really knows how to do his research. The Alameda Daily Noose and I applaud his courage and determination. We're going to have to take that kid out for pizza sometime, and ask him if he'd like a job as a cub reporter.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Totally Gnarly Grass Has Cindy Sherman Dazeled, Confuseled, and Bamboozled


Ever since the Alameda Daily Noose covered the growing threat of bamboozlement last week, I've been seeing the stuff everywhere! I thought these photos that I snapped in my neighborhood might help you get to the bottom of the plot to fill our town with unexpected greenery. Why, I've seen the stuff growing openly in people's front yards,

for sale in nurseries,

and even lurking in store windows!

The worst example, above, is all gnarled and twisted and turning every which way so that I can't tell if it's coming or going. It got me thoroughly confuseled, and by golly that's not Alameda! If people want to plant something green, they should pick a normal plant that belongs here, like good old Kentucky Bluegrass. The nice folks at the And...That's...Bluegrass...Nursery always have enough sod in stock to roll out a lovely expanse, up to two feet square, at the drop of a hat, and you will drop your hat when you see how low their prices are.

My thanks to the Alameda Daily Noose for alerting all right-thinking Alamedans to the bamboozlement epidemic. I for one am going to keep my eyes open from now on, and when I'm not busy complaining about people regularly parking in front of my house, I will pour every ounce of my brain power into fighting bamboozlement at its source. I don't know how so much of this fancy European landscaping could have taken root in Alameda, unless it was through secret marketing funded by kickbacks from the bamboo industry.

I think we have been bamboozled.

Cindy Sherman

Friday, August 17, 2007

Roger Grumbel and Former City Council Candidate Kick Off Celebrity Grump-A-Thon

Former City Council Candidate and I, Roger Grumbel, appeared on Alameda's community access cable channel 28 yesterday afternoon at 3:30 p.m. to kick off the Alameda Cultural Heritage Education Society's 18th Annual Celebrity Grump-A-Thon. This year Former City Council Candidate had the honor of throwing out the first complaint, the sheer excitement of which caused the Alameda Daily Noose to erupt into a spontaneous round of applause from off camera.

Members of A.C.H.E.S. will be taking telephone pledges for the total number of hours for which they will kvetch on the air. In order to fulfil the pledge, each participant must rant continuously (with one five-minute break allowed per hour for a bran muffin and some prune juice) for the promised time on one of the following topics:
  1. Kids These Days
  2. And That Racket They Call "Music"
  3. I Mean, in My Day, At Least They Had Words You Could Understand and a Nice Melody
  4. Traffic
  5. Twist Ties
  6. Squirrels
  7. Evil Developers
  8. Closing Old Gas Stations
  9. Loud Car Stereos
  10. Bagpipe Music
  11. Loud Car Steros Playing Bagpipe Music
  12. People Regularly Parking in Front of My House
  13. John Knox White
  14. Not Enough Parking in the Park St. District
  15. Medians Filled with Stupid Flowers That Make It Impossible to Make That Turn in My 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88
  16. The Fact That Nothing Ever Changes in This Town
  17. Opening New Gas Stations
  18. Shopping Carts
  19. Those Sorry Excuses for Fish Wrap That Nobody Reads
  20. Too Much Parking in the Park St. District
  21. People Who Don't Live Here
  22. O.K., Maybe Some of Them Live Here
  23. But They Aren't Real Alamedans
  24. Libraries
  25. Baby Pandas
  26. The Fact That Everything is Changing Too Fast in This Town
  27. Green Plastic Recycling Bins That Cause S.A.R.S. or Whatever Scary Disease Is in the News These Days
  28. So-Called Experts
  29. Those Darned Blogs on the Interweb That Nobody Reads
  30. Lists That Don't End on a Nice Round Number
  31. Stanford

The Grump-A-Thon will run for a total of 48 hours or until all of the participants have collapsed from exhaustion. A.C.H.E.S. President Janice Lighter-Merv excitedly proclaimed, "With both Roger Grumbel and Former City Council Candidate in fine form, we expect this year's Grump-A-Thon will set a new record for the smallest monetery loss!"

To make your pledge, call the A.C.H.E.S. Grump-A-Thon Pledge Hotline at 522-2208. Disgruntled operators are standing by to berate you!

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Alameda's S.W.A.T. Team Logs First Confirmed Kill

Yesterday, 15 August 2007, at approximately 1700 hours, the Alameda Daily Noose and I had the honor of providing the above photographic documentation of Alameda's recently formed Sciurine Weapons And Tactics (S.W.A.T.) team's first confirmed kill. The S.W.A.T. team called in for support from one of A.C. Transit's newly acquired "Van Hell" Neighborhood Assault Buses, which completely cut off the beast's escape route. The S.W.A.T. team then brought the monster down with two acorn fragmentation grenades and a hail of very-small-arms fire.

Although some lily-livered so-called Alamedans have raised questions about the multi-million-dollar allocation of funds to hire, train, and equip the S.W.A.T. team, Right-Thinking Alamedans recognize that the Global War on Squirrels demands sacrifices, and no price is too high to pay to rid our Treasured Island of this bushy-tailed scourge . . . as long as it's other people's kids who go without textbooks and other people's streets that aren't repaired, of course.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

It's It . . . Or IS It? Shelley Spitzer Wants to Know What's REALLY Going On Her Ice Cream Sandwich

Dear Alameda Daily Noose:

I went in to my local grocery store, not the MONSROSITY that is Safeway, to purchase a delicious It's It Ice Cream. When I opened the box and compared the reality to the drawing I couldn't help but notice the physical reality of the It's It is much different than the rendering on the box. Unlike the drawing on the box there was no spill of chocolate cascading down the front of the It's It I held in my hand. I think we have been bamboozled.

Shelley Spitzer

The illustration on the box promises a waterfall of chocolaty goodness flowing down the side.

Upon opening the box, there is no chocolate waterfall. The Alameda Daily Noose and I even shared a bite, just to be sure, but we found nothing but the bitter taste of bamboozlement.

Editor's Note: Shelley Spitzer's completely unbiased, independent confirmation of yesterday's ground-breaking Alameda Daily Noose exposé proves that our Treasured Island is in the grip of an epidemic of bamboozlement! Our crack team of investigative reporters intends to get to the bottom of it, even if it means eating all of the ice cream sandwiches in the box.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Mabelle Spayce-Teleskop Focuses on Astronomical Three-Faced Municipal Bamboozlement

Hi, Rog,

As I observe the construction of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, I can't help but notice that the northern side of the 6,000-car, 500-foot-high Parking Garage is totally different that the architectural renderings of the southern and western sides, as shown on the City's interweb dingus:

Artist's rendering of southern elevation of Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates.

Artist's rendering of western elevation of Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates.

Northern elevation of Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, as phtographed by a Right-Thinking Alamedan.

First of all, NONE of those fancy-schmancy airbrushed pictures show ANY scaffolding, cranes, or wooden concrete forms. What a con job! Worse yet, in all of the smoke-filled, back-room, closed-door meetings that planned this secret project, not once did ANYBODY say that this thing was going to have THREE DIFFERENT SIDES. I mean, I could have supported a one-sided parking garage, maybe, or a two-sided one at most, but THREE IS RIGHT OUT.

Needless to say, the whole thing looks COMPLETELY DIFFERENT if you lie flat on the ground and stare up at it. In fact, if you roll over into its shadow, it BLOTS OUT THE SUN!

I think we have been bamboozled.

Mabelle Spayce-Teleskop

Monday, August 13, 2007

9:42 a.m.: Scoop! Alameda Daily Noose and I Oversleep

The Alameda Daily Noose and I offer no apologies to our readers for today's tardy publication, because it was not our fault. Readers should blame the whole thing on Alameda Power & Telecom, which, as you probably know from our regular publication of grumpy letters from its dissatisfied customers, provides electricity "service" to the city of Alameda.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I had our alarm set for 4:30 a.m., as usual, but when we awoke to golden sunbeams and the sound of chirping birds, we knew something had gone horribly, horribly wrong. Rubbing the sleep from our eyes, we glanced at our trusty Magnavox clock radio, which was blinking 12:00, 12:00, 12:00, 12:00.

There was only one explanation: Those layabouts at A.P. & T. had fallen asleep at the control panel and allowed the power to go out last night! This was simply unbelievable, especially in light of the fact that I had just gone through all the trouble of plugging my appliances into that fancy newfangled power strip the Alameda Daily Noose gave me for my birthday. I only unplugged the clock for a second, so it must have been A.P. & T.'s fault.


Friday, August 10, 2007

5:53 a.m.: Plaintiff Comments on Decision in Ward vs. Black Hearing

Dear Mr. Grumbel,

No fair! Assistant Principal Andrews and all of her teacher's pets just like to hurt my feelings. Well, see if I care!

Johnny and his friends, who all want to play kickball the wrong way, such as Elena (who called me a "twerp" in the hallway on the way to the principal's office), like to be goody two-shoes about "sharing" and "playing nice". But Johnny told the principal that what he did was just "childish namecalling" - which is just stupid!

Johnny is just a big stupid bully and I hate all his stupid friends. They should have known that nobody else wanted to talk about playing kickball with more than two kids on the field at a time. We've always played it that way at our school! I was just pointing out how obviously stupid it was to even suggest playing with more kids, and how anybody who secretly keeps a Power Puff Girls pencil holder hidden in his backpack can't know anything about kickball, when he called me a poopy pants for no reason!

Johhny and his "friends" say that they just want more kids to have a chance to play, but it's no fair, because he has way more friends than me. They don't understand this school the way I do. Me and my friend decided way back in kindergarten that there's only one way to play kickball, and I don't care how many of them there are, anyone who thinks different is a poopy pants and should go to a different school. So there!

Jimmy Ward

5:36 a.m.: Assistant Principal Rules Against Jimmy in Slander Hearing

Earlier this month, Alameda elementary school student Jimmy Ward tattled on Alameda elementary school student Johnny Black. Jimmy alleged that Johnny had slandered him by calling Jimmy a "poopy pants" on the playground. On August 8, 2007, assistant principal Donna Andrews heard the case in the principal's office and indicated that she would issue a decision early the following afternoon. Instead, assistant principal Andrews delayed giving her decision until today. Not surprisingly, based on her comments during the hearing, assistant principal Andrews ruled in favor of the defendant, little Johnny.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland Has It Right about Squirrels, but What's All This Nonsense about More Buses?!


Holy smokes! What is Dolores Hepherhumper smoking? I am OUTRAGED at the suggestion that Squirrels are not Public Enemy Number One! EVERYBODY knows that every year in American cities of 70,000 to 80,000 in population, Squirrels kill 157.4% more children than buses! Of course, since I actually love my wife and kids, I don't have time to waste doing research, so I can't cite any "sources" for that number, but it just feels right. Maybe those of you who don't care about your families can check that out for me.

Furthermore, we all know that the average 40-foot transit bus kills 2.6 Squirrels on an average day. Although the 2/5 of a Squirrel that invariably escapes is injured and extremely dangerous if cornered, the overall risk to The Children is still reduced by 212.3% , even if you factor in the danger posed by the rogue fractional Squirrel.

I hate buses as much as the next right-thinking Alamedan - almost as much as I hate people regularly parking in front of my house - BUT I HATE SQUIRRELS MORE. This is war, and war demands sacrifices. That is why I am asking all red-blooded patriotic Alamedans to "take one for the team" by DEMANDING a bus route on their street! It won't be easy, but when the Squirrels see our determination and face the inevitable carnage on our roadways, their resolve will crumble and they will turn their bushy tails and flee our Treasured Island like the cowards they are.


Donald Kirkland

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Dolores Hepherhumper Fails to Recognize Squirrel Threat, but Has a Good Point about Nasty Buses


Why do people in this town waste time worrying about Squirrel's? There are much more urgent problems to complain about, such as the possibility of bus stops being put on my street, maybe, someday.

Isn't it bad enough that I have other people regularly parking in front of my house? I'll have you know that my antique-cigar band collection is the largest of it's kind north of L.A. I've been adding to it for over 50 years, and I have carefully labeled and displayed each band in a glass case in my home. You know, Rog, busses don't help that!

Besides, wherever busses go, they're going to leave a trail of scarred or lifeless children behind. We shouldn't alow any busses to sully our pristine, bus free city and endanger us all---especially not on MY street!

Dolores Hepherhumper

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Studious Squirrels Scheme to Subvert City


I snapped this photo of subversive squirrel behavior recently. Their presence on the campus proves that those scheming varmints are plotting to overthrow Alameda from the inside, first studying city planning and then obtaining positions that will allow them to zone the entire island for high-density forests that will ensure bumper-to-bumper squirrels in every neighborhood, threatening our very way of life, which is the reason we all moved here in the first place. Is that what we want? I don't think so!

Anyone who wants to stem the tide of crafty squirrels in government must act now to shut down any institutions of higher learning within scampering distance of our beloved neighborhoods. No squirrel is going to outsmart me!

Dave Williamson

Monday, August 6, 2007

Alameda Daily Noose Salutes Latest Addition to Historic Landmark List

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were the only representatives of the major news media present this morning at a dedication ceremony for the oldest known shopping cart in Alameda. The cart has resided in the same watery location (pictured above) since the year that the first supermarket opened in Alameda, and as such is subject to the rules governing preservation of historic structures. Any attempt to subdivide or make an addition to the cart would have to conform to stringent requirements regarding materials and design, in order to ensure a historically accurate cheap, flimsy appearance.

All changes will have to be reviewed by the City Council, the Planning Board, and an otherwise-totally-biased special ad-hoc subcommittee thereof, fairly balanced out by citizen-members of the Alameda Cultural Heritage Education Society. Each meeting will feature extensive provisions for unlimited public comments from neighbors of the cart, including—but most certainly not limited to—home video montages, spoken-word pieces, original musical compositions, mixed-media collage, and a newly introduced interpretive dance category.

Friday, August 3, 2007

6:59 a.m.: What Is the Sound of Not One So-Called Newspaper Being Delivered?

Yesterday, as the Alameda Daily Noose and I were admiring the greenness of a particularly healthy lawn, the Noose said to me, "Why is there still no Alameda Fish-Wrap, nor Oakland Cage-Liner, upon this lawn, nor slanted across the door-step, nor anywhere in sight?"

"Delivery has been delayed," I replied, for this was the message I had heard, recorded, and on which I based yesterday's ground-breaking story.

"Why has it been delayed?" the Noose asked earnestly.

"I do not know," I said, "for the recording contained no further information."

"Should you then not call someone who works at the newspaper . . ."

"Tch, tch, tch," I said, wagging my finger. "You mean so-called newspaper."

"Ah yes, forgive me. Should you then not call someone who works at the so-called newspaper to inquire as to the cause?"

I smiled. "You have much to learn about the Way of the Scoop," I began. "To ask a person for information would have been to reveal the nature of my story, giving the other major news media a chance to steal my work."

"But," the Noose pursued, "what use is the scoop if it contains no information beyond that which all may see with a glance at this lawn?"

"At last, you see!" I exclaimed with a hearty chuckle. "The Perfect Scoop is Nothingness."

And so the Noose's eyes were opened.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

5:43 a.m.: Today's Fish Wrap Delivery will be . . . Omigod, Like, Totally TARDY, LOL! ;-)

Alamedans who subscribe to home delivery of the Alameda Fish-Wrap or the Oakland Cage-Liner did not find those so-called papers on their porches this morning, nor did they find them stuck between their doors and their screen doors, nor in their driveways, nor even on their front lawns. According to a recorded phone announcement on the papers' home delivery phone line, "If you are calling regarding the Oakland Cage-Liner or the Alameda Fish-Wrap and you live in the cities of Alameda, Oakland, Emeryville or Piedmont, today's delivery has been delayed to 10:00 a.m." No explanation was given as to the cause of the delay, but I would not be at all surprised if it were due to the fact that the Fish-Wrap's editors were busy stealing all of their stories from the Alameda Daily Noose and me. It's clear that they are reeling from their huge mistake on Tuesday, when they got like, totally confused by our coverage of Cap'n Everett's birthday. Somehow they misinterpreted our explosive story as an "explosive device," thereby causing undue distress to Cap'n Street's nearest and dearest, to say nothing of our good personal friend Marelene Verloren. Shame!

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Reader Questions Attack on Everett Street

Dear Roger,

I was just lining the cage of Schadenfreude, my pet badger, when the following sentence caught my eye: "Someone set off an explosive device on Everett Street on Thursday night." I know this can't possibly be true, because I would have heard about it first from you and the Alameda Daily Noose, and not from that horrible excuse for a fish-wrap that keeps showing up on my door twice a week.

Normally I wouldn't give anything written in that so-called paper a second thought, but let's just say that my . . . feelings for Captain Street intervened, and I feel compelled to confirm with the real journalists in this town that there is no truth behind this absurd story. I just saw Captain Street on his birthday, and he didn't say a word about it. Then again, for a man like that, who survived being swallowed by a whale, won a wrestling match against a giant squid, and single-handedly fended off a U-Boot, armed only with a stick of gum and a can opener, I'm sure something as minor as having a bomb placed on him made no more of an impression than having a pesky fly land on him. Oh, Captain, my big, strong Captain . . . wait, where was I?

Oh yes, the matter of the news story about the attack on Everett Street. Please, Roger, as a personal favor to me, send your best team of reporters out to get the real scoop. I just wouldn't feel comfortable asking Captain Street myself, not until I have all the facts. He doesn't like having women fuss over him, you know, and I'm sure that as a dashing, manly news man in the classic sense you can relate to that.

Fretfully yours,
Marlene Verloren