6:59 a.m.: What Is the Sound of Not One So-Called Newspaper Being Delivered?

Yesterday, as the Alameda Daily Noose and I were admiring the greenness of a particularly healthy lawn, the Noose said to me, "Why is there still no Alameda Fish-Wrap, nor Oakland Cage-Liner, upon this lawn, nor slanted across the door-step, nor anywhere in sight?"

"Delivery has been delayed," I replied, for this was the message I had heard, recorded, and on which I based yesterday's ground-breaking story.

"Why has it been delayed?" the Noose asked earnestly.

"I do not know," I said, "for the recording contained no further information."

"Should you then not call someone who works at the newspaper . . ."

"Tch, tch, tch," I said, wagging my finger. "You mean so-called newspaper."

"Ah yes, forgive me. Should you then not call someone who works at the so-called newspaper to inquire as to the cause?"

I smiled. "You have much to learn about the Way of the Scoop," I began. "To ask a person for information would have been to reveal the nature of my story, giving the other major news media a chance to steal my work."

"But," the Noose pursued, "what use is the scoop if it contains no information beyond that which all may see with a glance at this lawn?"

"At last, you see!" I exclaimed with a hearty chuckle. "The Perfect Scoop is Nothingness."

And so the Noose's eyes were opened.