Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Yard from Hell Is Dragging Down the Neighborhood


Something has to be done to protect our property values from the blight that has appeared on my street. I live on Santa Clara Avenue, and I am disgusted to see the state that some neighbors allow their yards to fall into. First it's crabgrass, and then bald spots in the lawn, and before you know it, a yawning portal to Hell has opened up. I don't think I have to tell you how far that can drag down the whole neighborhood.

Now, I am not opposed to Satan, or entrances to the Underworld, but they do not belong in my back yard. A more appropriate place for such development, if it has to happen at all, is Somewhere Else. Perhaps any future Hell Mouth could be located next to the Target that is being planned for Alameda Point. We all know how important it is for Hell Mouths to have good freeway access.

Meanwhile, the Hell Mouth on Santa Clara has got to go. I insist that the City Council do something immediately to keep my home from dropping severely in value, which will almost certainly happen if the Hell Mouth opens up much wider, and my home drops into it.

Cindy Sherman

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Ed A. Fauvre Suffers Nightmare of Pedestrian Safety


Yesterday, I returned to my home to find that an alteration had been made to the intersection at the corner on which I live. Now, with every turning of the traffic light, a pallid figure glowed ominously from within the black box mounted on a similarly coal-hued pole. Yet, almost as soon as this ghostly vision had appeared, it was replaced by a glowing hand, orange and searing as the flames of perdition. I hurried to the safety of my front door, and closed it against this unwelcome sight.

At once I telephoned the City. I asked why this monstrous contraption must impose almost upon my very doorstep, and how long I must bear it. The answer dashed my hopes, as it was revealed that the box was there to stay, in the name of some barbaric god called Safety.

Through the long evening that followed, I sat in my darkened living room, the rubber band sorting boxes, which normally afford me many a diverting hour, lying neglected before me. The open curtains admitted not only the familiar glow of streetlights, but also a thin beam of preternatural orange, alternating with deathly white. Every shift in this intrusive glare produced a sickening sensation upon my heart, as of the weight of a cold hand pressing against it.

At last, I sought relief in sweet oblivion and retired to my bed. Yet scarcely had my head found the comfort of a downy pillow when a peculiar sound impressed itself upon my consciousness. So faint it was, that I thought at first my wearied mind was playing tricks. It was as if some distant songbird were giving voice to dolorous plaints of yore, and then falling starkly silent. Such sounds had no place in the black of night, when songbirds rest as we do. But again and again the ritual repeated itself with unholy precision. What creature of the night was this that kept me from my rest?

Nerves on the stretch, I rose and sought the source of this unnatural emanation. As I approached my front door, the sound rose in volume, though always at an unvarying pitch. A horrid certainty seized me, even as I reached to open the door, but there was no turning back. In a moment, my fears were all confirmed. Sound and light conspired in unmistakable synchrony. Oh, woeful fate! Nevermore shall I know peace! It was plain to me at last what sound had banished sleep: it was the chirping of that sinister signal!

Ed A. Fauvre

Monday, October 29, 2007

Halloween Too Scary


I'm concerned that Halloween has gotten too far from its roots as a pleasant harvest holiday. Although many of my neighbors have cheery orange pumpkins decorating their porches, I've noticed that some of them seem to have faces cut into them. This seems strange to me, especially since some of the faces look more angry than happy. Maybe it's just the decorator's lack of skill, but I am suspicious.

I am also suspicious of the motives behind some of the costumes that parents are allowing children to choose for this fall festival. Lately, there just aren't enough friendly scarecrows, jolly beanpoles, and corn princesses going door to door to share in the symbolic bounty. I did see one young man with an appropriate agricultural implement last year, but his plain, black, hooded robe did nothing to convey the richness of fall colors, and I would think it would be difficult for a field hand to see what he was scything with that hood in the way. If he'd actually been bringing in the wheat, I would have been afraid that he might cut himself by accident.

Sometimes, it almost seems like kids are trying to look tough or scary in the costumes they choose. Parents need to remember to pay attention to what kids are wearing when they leave the house, because Halloween is no time for frightening anyone.

Another thing that scares me about this holiday is the poor quality of treats that many people hand out. I always take great care in selecting the shrink-wrapped produce and unshelled nuts that I bestow on merry-makers, but I could swear that I've seen whole piles of sugary candy in their little treat bags. Some supposedly responsible adults must be cutting corners, and it frightens me to think what those children will have to face next time they go to the dentist.

With only a few days to go, I want to remind our community to respect tradition more. Please, everyone, let's take the scariness out of Halloween this year, and ensure a healthy, vegetable-oriented celebration for all.

Sincerely yours,
Viola Legume

Friday, October 26, 2007

The real Culprits


I was driving past catastrophe and used my "camera" to take a picture of it. I was excited enough about successfully using my "camera" to take a picture and then to actually see it on my computer that I am sending it to you!

The photo clearly shows the excitement of a fire in an apartment building in Alameda. As you know, Alameda currently disallows multi-units, like apartment buildings, to be constructed. One of the many reasons that voters decided to do this, was because multiple units can catch on fire, as proven by this photo of a fire engine, parked in front of it, while responding to what appears to have been a fire.

Clearly measure A protects us from conflagrations like the ones they are having in Southern California where they have movie stars and multiple units, sometimes even mixing together! Imagine what would have happened if the voters haven't passed Measure A, the entire island might be fire causing apartment buildings.

You're the best journalist ever,

Jeremy Ronalsi

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Perfectly Fair Questions About Alameda's Future


Here are some questions for the would-be developers of Alameda Point:

Have you ever tried to run through the Caldecott tunnel while it is full of Squirrels? I didn't think so. And yet, that is exactly the scenario that Alameda commuters will be facing if unrestrained implementation of tree plans are allowed to go forward.

Also, who will be willing to live or work at Alameda Point, given that the current levels of Squirrel traffic are almost unbearable, and any further tree development will only exacerbate the situation, leading to a nightmare of cultural complicity and despair that will force us to enlist the help of a professional high-tech Squirrel control firm like the one mentioned in the chilling video above?

Finally, have you ever tried to scream for help with an acorn shoved down your windpipe? No? Well, then, exactly how do you sleep at night knowing that you are placing hundreds of families—many of which include adorable children—in exactly that sort of peril?

These are all fair questions. In fact, I would even say they are gorgeous. I wrote them myself.

Dave Williamson

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Clara Butler-Frisby Opposes Legalized Gambling for Kindergarteners

Dear Editor:

As a prominent member of a group of concerned Alamedans, I was apalled to see the headline of yesterday's Alameda Fish Wrap about some ill-advised scheme to get young children hooked on gambling, starting out with a lottery. Naturally, I oppose any sort of gambling, due to its inevitable association with buses. Now, I know that unlike casino gambling, lotteries don't usually involve buses, but I'm sure lotteries are just the beginning. Next it will be baby bingo, toddler slots, junior poker and God-knows-what-else. Is that what we want for our community's children? Kiddie keno? Is that what it will take for people to wake up?

Of course, my own children are grown, and so will never even have the opportunity to participate in this proposed kindergarten lottery, so I don't see why anyone else's children should get to play. I mean, supposing my neighbor's child wins thousands of dollars that my children never had a chance at, both because there was no lottery when they were in kindergarten, and because I wouldn't have allowed them to gamble even if the option had been available to them. Would that be unfair? Well, as my grandfather always used to say, "Are bears Catholic? And what is the Pope doing in the woods?"

Clara Butler-Frisby

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Blitz Donnerwetter Narrowly Misses in his Prediction for Yesterday's Weather

Alamedan Blitz Donnerwetter, "The World's Greatest Weather Forecaster", who does weather forecasts on KARP radio, and is a regular guest on the Rog Grumbel TV Show, erred in his prediction that it would rain in Alameda at precisely 6:30 a.m. yesterday. Actually, it did not rain in Alameda at precisely 6:30 a.m. In fact, it did not rain at all.

Normally, the Alameda Daily Noose and I would jump right down the throat of any so-called expert who made some kind of mistake, no matter how small; however, since Mr. Donnerwetter reguarly comes on our show and says nice things about us, we will instead point out that although it did not technically rain, the humidity did reach its maximum value at 6:30 a.m. yesterday, and that should be close enough for any right-thinking Alamedan who's not into splitting hairs like some kind of latte-sipping, Volvo-driving, sushi-eating effete intellectual type who's not even from Alameda.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Blitz Donnerwetter Predicts Rain Today

Alamedan Blitz Donnerwetter, "The World's Greatest Weather Forecaster", who does weather forecasts on KARP radio, and is a regular guest on the Rog Grumbel TV Show, predicts that it will rain in Alameda at precisely 6:30 a.m. today.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Sean Knocks Wight


As I'm sure your readers already know, Alameda is the greatest island in the world. I recently vacationed on another island, the Isle of Wight, and let me tell you, there is no comparison. Although the Isle of Wight, much like Alameda, is an island famous for its grand Victorians, including Alfred Lord Tennyson and Princess Beatrice, such assets are overshadowed by the many problems afflicting Wight.

For starters, there are way too many tourists there. We should be glad that Alameda doesn't attract outsiders at that rate. Even the lack of bridges doesn't seem to keep them away from the Isle of Wight!

But it gets worse. Inhabitants of the Isle of Wight not only play Bagpipes, they also produce them. Can you imagine what the Bagpipe traffic on our streets would be like if Alameda allowed that kind of commercial activity?

And of course, wherever there are bagpipes, you will also find Squirrels. Amazingly, people on the Isle of Wight not only allow this dangerous state of affairs to continue, they actively encourage growth of the Squirrel population! As you can see in my vacation photo above, I spent my entire trip in fear of running afoul of one of Wight's notorious Red Squirrels. I never saw one, but I'm not sure that they didn't see me. I can only hope that none of those bushy-tailed terrorists followed me home to Alameda.

Oh, it's so good to be back. I wouldn't recommend the Isle of Wight as a vacation spot for any Alamedan, unless maybe that guy who runs the Transport Ministry - I can never remember his name. Of course, if people like him had had their way, they would probably have knocked down all of the grand Victorians and replaced them with high-density housing, thus depriving English literature of one of its greatest poets and, more tragically, making Wight's woeful traffic even worse.

Sean O'Doherty

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Han Woks Night

The 2,213th annual Han Woks Night will be held tonight, giving diners a chance to take a wok on the wild side by sampling some of the finest Chinese cuisine our Treasured Island has to offer. For one special night only, famous chefs will be flown in from all over Alameda to compete for the coveted Golden Wok.

Han Woks Night takes its name from the Han Dynasty, which ruled Alameda from 206 B.C. to 220 A.D. It is commonly considered to be one of the greatest periods in the history of Alameda, surpassed only by the current Golden Age ushered in by the passage of Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" in 1971.

The superstar chefs in tonight's competition will be judged on their ability to create dishes in the following categories, each of which embodies an aspect of the perfection that is Alameda Chinese food:

1. Oiliest noodles.
2. Starchiest sauce.
3. Mildest Kung Pao chicken.
4. Most authentic chop suey.
5. Vegetables least tainted by "flavor."
6. Rice most suitable for use as a building material.

Sadly, some more recent additions to Alameda's Chinese restaurant scene, such as that new place next door to the hippie grocery store, have abandoned the 2,213-year-old traditions of Han Woks Night in favor of quote-unquote upscale interpretations of traditional Alameda Chinese dishes. While such places might be favored by soulless yuppies like that Harry Potter look-alike who heads up the Transit Committee—what's his name again?—all right-thinking Alamedans reject this base corruption of our glorious heritage. What, you mean there's no plastic tub of plum sauce on the table? Shame!

For those who know good Alameda Chinese food, tickets are $20.00 in advance and $25.00 the night of the event. Advance tickets are available at Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters, located on the Big Island of Alameda. For more information phone 522-2208.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Swan Flock's Plight

Concerned residents of Alameda's Marina Village are in a flap over the predicament of the swans that frequent the development's artificial ponds. "I bought my house here solely for the brilliant white swans I saw in the pond. Well, that and Alameda's Squirrel-limiting 'Measure Acorn.'" explained long-time resident Madge Kerfuffle. "Lately, the swans have been more of a charcoal gray. I don't have any so-called evidence to back this up, but I'm just sure it's due to all of the dirty politics in this town, particularly that Manhattanite musician on the Traffic Board. What's his name again? Anyway, if this problem isn't fixed immediately, we homeowners demand to be compensated for the drop in our property values. We're not sure the City Council realizes this, but we pay taxes, the very taxes that feather their cushy nests! I am madder than a wet hen about all of this blatant swan-dirtying corruption, and there's no way I'm going to let them duck the issue."

Fortunately, help is on the way. As you can see in the Alameda Daily Noose photo above, employees of Alameda's newly created Department of Animal Sanitation Services are hard at work soaking the soiled swans in Palmolive® brand dishwashing liquid. Homeowners were taken aback by the City's quick response. The Mayor explained: "Normally, instead of taking action we would hold a secret meeting in a smoke-filled back room in order to hatch a scheme to cover something like this up. However, once a couple of homeowners stood up and delivered the shock news that they actually pay taxes, we knew our goose was cooked. We formed the Department of Animal Sanitation Services the next day, using that big pot of their property tax money we discovered under the table in the back room. There goes our nest egg!"

Monday, October 15, 2007

East End or Eastendsterdam?

Alert Alamedans may have noticed a disturbing trend in Alameda's Desirable East End. It's not just that some lawns there have been replaced with suspiciously foreign looking groundcover and dangerously tall shrubs, or that the part of our Treasured Island east of Broadway is home to at least one known musician (who is not a polka player), but certain individuals in the East End have recently been caught setting a bad example for the next generation. That's right, we are at risk of having our vulnerable youth grow up believing that it's okay to use a bicycle as transportation.

Every right-thinking Alamedan knows that bicycles are purely recreational. When used strictly for fun, they pose no threat. However, when people who become dependent on bikes, using them on a daily basis and even taking them to work or school, their lives and their health can change completely. It has become clear that in Alameda's East End, there are those who not only use bicycles themselves, but are also selling them to others in quantities to large to be explained as for recreational purposes only. People who sell bicycles often find themselves using their ill-gotten profits to buy more bicycles for themselves, which then forces them to sell more to feed their growing habit, developing what is widely known as a vicious cycle. Don't let this happen to your loved ones. Have a talk with your children today about the dangers of inappropriate bicycle use.

Some Crazy Lady Has the Gall to Ask Silly, Insulting Questions


Can you please clarify something for me? I am confused as to which source of Alameda news I love the most, because I am having trouble comparing them. Your noosepaper is not justified on both sides of each column the way that the printed papers are, which makes it look too different from them. On the other hand, I can't seem to make the print papers stay vertical as well as yours does. On the other hand, those print papers are much better for making paper hats. On the other hand, your noosepaper never gets ink on my other hand. How am I supposed to figure out which one I should read?

By the way, do you ever cover Squirrels in your noosepaper?

Elsie Eider

Editor's Comments: The Alameda Daily Noose and I are shocked—shocked!—that anyone would claim that our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper is "not justified." We don't have to justify anything to anyone! Everybody knows that the so-called newspapers in this town aren't fit to wrap the fish, line the bird cages, swat the flies, or train the puppies of the Alameda Daily Noose and me. As for Squirrels, we don't just cover them, we bury them…six feet under! We are left to wonder whether or not Mrs. Eider—if that is her real name—even lives in Alameda at all. Shame!

Friday, October 12, 2007

Ferry Takeover Includes Renaming of Ferries after Don Perata

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have learned that, while the City Council debates the takeover of ferry services around the Bay Area by a new state bureaucracy, work is already underway in renaming the Ferries themselves after State Senator Supreme, Don "Don" Perata.

Our reporter spoke to boat-painter Matt Harmon as he was just finishing repainting the names on the vessels. "I don't know, I just got the orders to repaint the names this morning, I figured it had been approved already," said the painter. "I tell you, it was really easy slapping on a 'Don' (marked 1 in the Alameda Daily Noose photo) and changing the word 'Peralta' into 'Perata' (marked 2 and 3 in the Alameda Daily Noose photo)."

In other noose, Don Perata continues to make progress in renaming the Peralta Community College District after himself. While opposed vocally by trustees Will Heathrow and Able Julian, most trustees are resigned to the change. One trustee, who asked to remain anonymous (but we have declined to honor her request; it was Cynthia Chen) said "Why bother fighting the change? Don Perata always gets what he wants. Always."

ADN will continue to keep you informed of these breaking events.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

5:39 a.m.: Praise from Tim Gubitnik


Thank you for your years of dedication and focus on Alameda noose. You are an asset to our community, a snappy dresser, and an all-around swell guy. No other reporter has the depth of knowledge regarding the "Measure Acorn" law (which added Article 24 to the City Charter in 1971 to restrict Squirrels) or the commitment to cover discussion of the law, primarily in the form of press releases and grumpy letters to the editor. The community should also recognize Former City Council Candidate and Brenda Karl for their perpetual efforts to defend the letter and intent of the Measure Acorn law against all threats, real and imaginary. They are truly our soldiers of righteousness on the front lines of the Global War on Squirrels.

Tim Gubitnik

P.S.—The Alameda Daily Noose and you don't have any plans for this weekend, do you? I'm moving again, and I could use a little extra help carrying the hide-a-bed, not to mention packing and carrying all my other stuff. Oh, and would you mind bringing the Noosemobile? Being the wonderful guy you are, I knew you wouldn't want a good friend like me to have to pay for movers and a truck.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

New Skyscraper Blots Out Sunset


I am writing to complain about the oversized building that is blocking my view, and will be even worse when its finished. Why wasn't I notified about this horrible project? It is plainly visible through my bathroom window which faces the bay and San Francisco. Already, I cannot see the part of San Francisco that is directly behind the new skyscraper. What is worse, the building blocks the ray of sunlight that used to hit my bathroom mirror for about a minute every day just before dusk. This time of year, that would be at about 6:23 p.m., except when its really cloudy. That ray of sunlight would practically blind you if you walked into the bathroom at that time of day, and now its gone!

I was not given any opportunity to comment on the project and its affect on my view and sunlight. Just because its in San Francisco doesn't mean that the City Council shouldn't notify everyone in effected neighborhoods, so why didn't they park in front of my neighbor's house knock on my door around sunset and come see the soon-to-be-blocked beam of sunlight for themselves? I would have argued myself blue in the face to save it, and now all I can do is complain until I'm blue in the face. And buses don't help that.

Frieda Bellows

Editor's Comments: As soon as the Alameda Daily Noose and I received this letter, we scooped up Scoop, our faithful canine companion, piled our our crack Alameda Daily Noose photography team into the Noosemobile, and high-tailed it over to Mrs. Bellows' house. She greeted us in her finest curlers and bathrobe, but we brushed her and her pleasantries aside, rushed up to her bathroom, and snapped the Alameda Daily Noose photo you have been admiring above. Unfortunately, poor Mrs. Bellows, who couldn't bear to look at the horrible skyscraper any longer, had pulled the blinds, and she escorted us out of her bathroom before we were able to raise the blinds and snap yet another Pulitzer-prize-eligible Alameda Daily Noose photo.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Scoop! of Foreign Currency

The Alameda Daily Noose and I scooped all of the other major news media when we discovered, much to our surprise, that we have won a large sum of money in the British Lottery. We must have accidentally gotten the wrong kind of ticket last time we were trying for the big SuperLOTTO Plus® (not "Super Lotto Plus," as the "Alameda" Fly-Swatter once erroneously called it) jackpot.

The announcement of our win arrived by gee-mail, and not a moment too soon. The Roger Grumbel Home for Clean, Well-Behaved, Deserving Orphans from Alameda is having trouble coming up with sufficient funds for gruel while we wait for that generous Mr. Stevenson to get his donation to us. We already sent him our bank account number so that he could extract a wiring fee from it and transfer the money from his bank in Dubai, but there seems to have been a little hold-up in the processing of that transfer. To make matters worse, our bank seems to be having some kind of computer problem that is causing our balance to show up as "$0.00," which simply can't be right.

While we wait for this hiccup to be straightened out, we're having to rely on the revenue I raised by breaking open the Alameda Daily Noose's pink piggy bank. "There, there," I said, "I'll pay you back as soon as we get that big payout from the lottery, although I do hope it will be in dollars instead of shillings and pence. As soon as we provide that nice gent at the British Lottery with our bank account number, we'll have more than enough to tide us over until Mr. Stevenson finally wires us that money for the orphanage."

Upon hearing my tender words of encouragement, the Alameda Daily Noose—fighting the tears—looked up and smiled bravely back at me.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Praise from Margarita Encanto: A Columbus Day Tradition

A scene from the Alameda Cultural Heritage Education Society's historically accurate re-enactment of Columbus' discovery of Alameda.

Editor's Comments: Although it may seem like just yesterday, it's been 515 years since Christopher Columbus discovered Alameda. The voyage from Spain was an arduous one, especially since the Panama Canal hadn't been built yet. When the crews of the NiƱa, the Pinta and the Santa Corica feared they would fall off the edge of the world, Columbus defended his dreams of discovery: "But, if the world is round, it is not Hell that lies beyond that stormy sea. Over there must lie a land where Bushy Tails dare not wave, where small-town charm abounds, where a man might walk his dog at night with tranquil mind. Surely, in such a land, the din of Bagpipes shall never assault man's ears, and no man need ever station his carriage directly before the domicile of his fellow man."

It's a fine day for reflecting on the glorious past of Alameda. In that spirit, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have unearthed a gem from our archives. Ever since the Alameda Daily Noose and I first printed her wonderful letter on Columbus Day, the late Margarita Encanto has been delighting Alamedans on a yearly basis with those familiar turns of phrase that rival the complex dance steps she used to execute as a professional Flamenco dancer. Here, once again, is an encore presentation of her letter:

Dear Roger,

What a joy it is to see, all the time, your newest reviews of motor oil. The way you describe their performance makes me feel as if I were in the auto supply store myself, comparison shopping by reading the labels, or perhaps under the car, draining the old oil to make way for a superior variety.

You are so unbiased in your evaluations! They have made it clear to me that my preferences in motor oil are indeed correct. Please continue with this valuable community service. As my mother always said when she was making me check the fluids of the family car, saber es poder.

Gracias por todo,
Margarita Encanto

Friday, October 5, 2007

Dave Williamson Wants Spy Squirrel Prosecuted for War Crimes


I snapped a picture of this Squirrel in front of my house, and as you can see, it had just finished snapping a picture of its own! I'm sure that my house number was visible in the photo. The Squirrel was clearly spying on me. Everyone knows that Squirrels are acting as spies, as reported in the Alameda Daily Noose and the other major news media. It is clear that the Squirrels discriminate against me because I am a Cal fan. Everyone knows that Squirrels have a longstanding relationship with Stanford, and were extremely influential in establishing that team's arboreal mascot.

Can I expect Squirrels to sneak into my front yard in the middle of the night and bury acorns that will grow into massive, property value destroying trees?

Ah, but who indeed, are the ones behind this shady activity. There is plenty of evidence to suggest that this is the work of Big Arborist. I don't actually have any of this evidence, so the City Council needs to investigate this. Perhaps the Alameda Secret Police even need to investigate this as a war crime. After all, everyone knows that Alameda is the front line in the Global War on Squirrels.

Dave Williamson

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Lon Geddoff Fails to Appreciate Our Fair and Balanced Squirrel and Bagpipe Coverage


I realize that we don't need any more Bagpipes in this town, especially not in my neighborhood, but why is the Alameda Daily Noose publishing so many stories about the lack of Bagpipe stories in other newspapers, while completely ignoring the Squirrel Threat? Why, it's been a whole week since you've printed anything about those acorn-scarfing trouble-makers. Whenever I'm not looking, I'm sure they are out in my yard, destroying my Kentucky Bluegrass. How are right-thinking Alamedans supposed to keep up with developments in the Squirrel Problem if you're not reporting on it? Would you stop droning on about the Bagpipes for long enough to give some attention to the real issues affecting my property value, like Squirrels and people regularly parking in front of my house?

Lon Geddoff

Editor's Comments: Lon Geddoff used to understand just how unbiased we are—he even told us so himself—but suddenly he fails to appreciate our Fair and Balanced coverage of the twin threats facing Alameda today, Squirrels and Bagpipes. Lon should be praising the yeoman service we perform for this town, day in and day out, instead of nitpicking about our perceived lack of Squirrel coverage. The Alameda Daily Noose and I will publish an item on Squirrels when we're darned good and ready, not when some armchair editor tells us to. As the great noosepaper publisher Paul Masson famously said, "We will print no whine before its time!"

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

5:39 a.m.: Plaid Flag Warning Update: After 23 Days of Drought, "Alameda" Fly-Swatter Finally Publishes a News Story about Bagpipes

On Friday, August 31, 2007, the Alameda Fly-Swatter published one news story about Bagpipes, which they have since removed from their interweb site and are now shamefully charging people money to view. During the subsequent 21 days, the Fly-Swatter published no news stories about Bagpipes. The paper's drought of Bagpipe news ended with one Bagpipe news story published in its September 22 edition. The tardy "Alameda" Fly-Swatter's story recounts a tragic incident in which over 100 people were trapped in a room and subjected to the unspeakable torture of Bagpipe music. Sadly, no-one emerged from that chamber of horrors unscathed.

No newspaper worthy of the word "Alameda" in its masthead would neglect its duty to inform Alamedans of the Tartan threat for so long. So great was this misdeed that the Alameda Daily Noose and I have devoted the past 11 days to an unprecedented extended tut-tut-tutting, culminating with today's final devastating tch-tch-tch!

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Alameda Daily Noose and I to Found Orphanage, Thanks to Generous and Trusting Overseas Donor

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are thrilled to announce our first charitable venture, the Roger Grumbel Home for Clean, Well-Behaved, Deserving Orphans from Alameda. Those familiar with our financial difficulties here at Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters are no doubt asking, "But Roger, how can you afford to found an orphanage?" Yesterday, the Alameda Daily Noose and I received a "gee-mail" from one of our loyal readers around the globe, a wealthy merchant by the name of William Stevenson. He is so deeply impressed with our world-wide reputation for honesty and completely unbiased journalistic integrity that he has chosen to donate a huge sum of money to us in order to fulfill his dream of constructing an orphanage for the clean, well-behaved, deserving orphans of Alameda. At first we were suspicious of his offer: after all, what was in it for us?

Then, as we surveyed the empty desks in our chronically under-staffed nooseroom, we had a brilliant idea: Who will work long hours for next to nothing, and be thankful just to have a place to sleep and some gruel and hardtack to eat? Orphans, that's who! With a charitable gleam in our eye, we rushed to provide Mr. Stevenson with our bank account number so that he could wire us the money immediately.

In keeping with our policy of printing every letter we receive, here is Mr. Stevenson's poignant plea for our help:

Subject: Service For Humanity Sake!
From: "William Stevenson" <>
Date: Mon, October 1, 2007 5:27 am
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
Dearly Beloved,
My name is William Stevenson a British merchant
based in Dubai.I have been diagnosed with
Esophageal cancer It has defied all forms of
medical treatment, and right now I have only
about a few months to live, according to
medical experts. I have not particularly lived
my life so well, as I never really cared for
anyone (not even myself) but my business.
Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I
was always hostile to people and only focused
on my business as that was the only thing I
cared for. But now I regret all this as I now
know that there is more to life than just
wanting to have or make all the money in the
world. I believe when God gives me a second
chance to come to this world I would live my
life a different way from how I have lived it.
Now that God Is About To Call me, I have willed
and given most of my property and assets to my
immediate and extended family members as well
as a few close friends.
I want God to be merciful to me and accept my
soul so, I have decided to give also to charity
organizations, as I want this to be one of the
last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have
distributed money to some charity organizations
in Africa and Asia including the tsunami
Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I
cannot do this myself anymore. I once asked
members of my family to close one of my
accounts and distribute the money which I have
there to charity organization they refused and
kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not
trust them anymore, as they seem not to be
contented with what I have left for them before
I became ill. Presently, I am still having a
deposit with a Finance house that is yet to be
disposed of. I Beg You In The name of God to
Help Me Take The Money To Any Orphanage Home
Close To You. I Believe That You Would Offer
This Service For Humanity Sake.
May The Good God Bless You And Your Family.
I Await Your Response.
William Stevenson

Monday, October 1, 2007

Avast, Ye Bargain-Lubbers! It's Time for Cap'n Everett's Annual Yard Sail

As all right-thinking Alamedans already know, the first of October is the day Captain "Cap'n Everett" Street holds his annual Yard Sail, where local treasure hunters delight in crusty nautical memorabilia by the steamer trunkful. The event takes place on the lawn in front of Cap'n Everett's home, which he keeps moored right next to his Rusty Scupper Family Seafood Restaurant on the Alameda Riviera. This is a festive affair indeed, with music provided by Alameda's own "Ja, und das ist Polka!" band, who perform their own rousing renditions of traditional German pirate songs. However, guests who party on into the wee hours of the morning, take warning! Once Cap'n Everett has had a few jiggers of rum, he invariably slashes his houseboat's moorings with his rigging knife, fires up the boilers, and starts steaming toward the open ocean. Those who overstay their welcome are at risk of being shanghaied into service on Cap'n Everett's crew, at least until the old salt sobers up again!