Monday, November 30, 2009

Holiday Shirt Shopping Tip from Nedash Potter

Dear Mr. Grumbel,

Allow me first to say how much I love your noosepaper. I love it more than life itself, which is saying quite a bit because I love life!

But now, here is the reason I am writing this letter. I came across this store on the Inter-Nets, and I felt that although the item was miscategorized as "funny" rather than "serious", the shirt being sold would be a good gift for any right-thinking Alamedan on your Holiday list.

I believe that I actually recognize a couple of the characters in the second row from my own back yard.

I am not affiliated with this clothing store, but considering how serious a problem we have here, any opportunity to spread the word about these menaces to society is OK by me.

Nedash Potter

Friday, November 27, 2009

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Your Gratitude

If you're like me, you're busy right now thinking up new ways to reuse or recycle your Thanksgiving leftovers. Doing that makes me thankful all over again, not just for the planet-saving elements of yesterday's meal, but for the many other things that have helped me live Green throughout the year. Here's my list of Green things that I'm most thankful for this year (I wrote it out on paper first, so that I'd have something to recycle):

Clean coal

Kentucky bluegrass

Round-Up weed killer

Environmentally friendly cleaning products

Plastic bags

Green alcohol

Organic ingredient substitution charts

Pigeons and other exotic backyard wildlife

Just typing in that list of environmental innovations gave me a warm feeling, or maybe that's the heat generated by my sustainable computer. Either way, I recommend making your own list of green things to be grateful for. And no, you don't have to thank me for the idea; I'm just doing my job.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Dave Williamson Corrects Omission in his Squirrel Thanksgiving Menu


Some folks have written to me to point out that I forgot the traditional condiment in my Squirrel Thanksgiving menu. How about: Cran-'t-Bear-y the Sight of Squirrels Sauce.


Anti-Squirrel Thanksgiving Menu from Dave Williamson


Here is my amusing photo of an anti-Squirrel Thanksgiving turkey. Note the thoroughness with which my visual critique makes the case against Squirrels. I knew you would find it clever, although my wife doesn't seem to understand the complexity of my humor. She doesn't follow the Global War on Squirrels as closely as I do, which must be why she wasn't laughing during the photo shoot.

Well, I'll show those Squirrels. They must think that just because they're cute and make people laugh, they're better than the rest of us. But I can make people laugh, too. In fact, anything Squirrels can do, I can do better! That's why I've stuffed the turkey full of Acorns.

Also on my Thanksgiving menu are Roasted Root-of-All-Evil Vegetables, I Yam an Evil Squirrel and Marsh-Not-Very-Mellow Casserole, Suffering in Alameda Because Squirrels Suck-otash, and Pumped—with Adrenaline for Fighting Squirrels—kin pie.

Dave Williamson

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Bagpipe Horror Strikes at Heart of Alameda Cookies

Dear Roger,

I was trying to buy some of my favorite cookies the other day at that big Safeway store that I can't stand to shop at, and I noticed something alarming. First of all, they didn't have the brand of shortbread that I wanted, and second, there was some weird, foreign-looking shortbread where it should have been. When I looked more closely, I saw that there was a picture of a bagpipe on the box. I took a picture of it, because I knew you would be able to tell us all what to make of it. Is Scotland trying to monopolize the supply of shortbread cookies? It seems like tartan and bagpipes have already infiltrated so many of the things that we hold dear in Alameda, but isn't this going too far? What am I going to put on the cookie plate for my Thanksgiving guests? I want my good, honest, Alamedan shortbread back!

Jean Kerkwilligers

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Devoted Reader Begs Alameda Daily Noose and Me to Mention His Name


I had a chance to read your post about board games, and wanted to call your attention to the $25,000 ‘GET LOADED!’ contest from LOADED QUESTIONS. The new version of LOADED QUESTIONS has 1300+ questions. If you can, I'd be most appreciative if you could provide a link to the contest or give us a mention. I'll bookmark your blog. Thanks again!


Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I love loaded questions, although we must point out that they are more properly called "perfectly fair questions."

Here are some examples of perfectly fair questions that we imagine would be appropriate for Mr. Lewis' game:

1. Since Measure Acorn is the only thing standing between us and utter destruction of our cherished quality of life in Alameda, wouldn't you have to be out of your mind to do anything that might compromise Measure Acorn?

2. Given that the Alameda Daily Noose is the only Noosepaper that always gets the scoop, and prints every single letter to the editor, except for those that it doesn't, does it make any sense to give a moment's attention to those other so-called newspapers that claim to cover issues of interest to Alamedans?

3. What do you think of that huge, horrible, ugly new building that's under construction right now?

Monday, November 23, 2009

Dave Williamson Says Law Allows Registrar to Name SunCal's Measure as Alpha Rather than A to Avoid Confusing Voters


California Elections Code provides that the registrar can pick a different letter - they don't have to start with "A" - in the event that a new measure might be confused with past measures. According to California Elections Code Section 11316, "An elections official may commence designating local measures with any letter of the alphabet following the letter 'A,' and continuing in alphabetical order, in order to avoid voter confusion that might result from different local measures carrying the same letter designation in successive elections."

Obviously, when it comes time for Alameda citizens to vote against the tree-laden peat bog that is planned for Alameda Point, they will be prone to confusing it with our beloved Measure Acorn, which also starts with "A." This community voted overwhelmingly in favor of Measure Acorn in an election which was succeeded by another election, which was succeeded by still more elections, which will be succeeded by the upcoming election, so by the computative property, the next election will be the successor to that original Measure Acorn election. We know that no-one actually reads any of the initiatives that they vote on, so everyone would be sure to vote for a new "Measure A" in the belief that they were upholding the old "Measure Acorn."

Simply changing the letter of the initiative to "B" is not an option, however. Many previous elections have involved completely unrelated initiatives labeled with that letter, some of which have been worth voting for. We can't take the risk that anyone might confuse the new "Measure B" with some previous "Measure B," or "C," or any other letter that might have positive associations. All of the letters of the alphabet, from "Acorn" to "Z" have been used at one time or another for elections in Alameda, or cities near Alameda. For example, the recent use of "Measure Z," in connection with marijuana law in that City That Is Not Alameda, would make it particularly confusing to use the letter "Z" in our election, because you would have to be high to vote for something that would tamper with Measure Acorn.

It would be much better to label this new initiative with a completely different kind of symbol, such as a letter of the Greek alphabet.

Of course, the election would need to be postponed to allow time for all voters to learn the Greek alphabet, but it is the only way to ensure fair results. There is no way that a capital letter "Alpha", for example, could be confused with the Alamedan letter "A". Right-Thinking Alamedans should urge the registrar to support Measure Acorn by not labeling the new anti-Measure Acorn initiative with an "A," but instead with the first letter of the Greek alphabet, which is the only way to prevent any possible confusion.

Dave Williamson

Friday, November 20, 2009

Green Living with Janet Marchant: Highlights of the Green Festival

I'm just now recovering from last weekend's Green Festival in San Francisco and I have so much to say! This is going to be an extra-long column, I'm sure!

First of all, I arrived Friday at noon. I'm glad I took the new Hybrid Hummer—not only because I need a sturdy vehicle to survive the dangerous roads out of Alameda, because they had both a special discounted admission rate and parking lot for the hybrids. The larger the hybrid, the larger the discount, so I ended up getting in for free! It looks like the whole car-pushing parking lot idea has caught on, since I did have to push my car to an available stall once I entered the lot, so I knew I was being green from the moment I arrived!
There were speeches throughout the weekend by dignitaries in the Green movement. I caught a few of the highlights: Mike Ruppert gave his trademark: "Green Oil: We're just getting started!" opening speech, which brought down the house needless to say. Amy Goodman, radio host of "Remember Democracy?" wowed the crowd with her stunning new Versace leafy-green gown. I caught most of the speech by Al Gore's assistant's college roommate's ex-girlfriend, whose name I didn't get, called "Human recycling in your community," where she proposed an interesting idea of using the deceased as a new source of energy.

But I spent most of my weekend on the exhibitor's floor. It was so overwhelming! As you know, I love shopping, and while I prefer Wal-Mart for my green shopping, I found some great businesses that I would have never discovered if it hadn't been for the Green Festival.

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I don't normally pay too much attention to these hippy-dippy environmentalist columns; we're far too busy enjoying our Fridays off…doing serious investigative reporting, of course. However, we could not help but notice Miss Market's inclusion of an inflammatory image of a Squirrel fitted out in full combat gear, squinting menacingly at our helpless readers. We hadn't given much thought to what goes on at these patchouli-soaked "green" gatherings, but after seeing this photo, we think we had better look into it as soon as we get back from researching our upcoming shocking exposé of a rumored glazed doughnut shortage at a local bakery.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Thanksgiving is Coming - Your ADN Gift Guide

Editor's Comment:

The following is a press release that the Alameda Daily Noose and I found wrapped up in pretty foil paper and cranberry-red ribbon on the doorstep of the Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters.

Oh Thank Heavens, Thanksgiving is almost here!

The Park Street Business Association, The West Alameda Business Association, the Alameda Point Heavy Industrial Business Association, the Greater Alameda Business Association, and the Alternative Alameda Business Association have teamed up to wish you and yours a happy Thanksgiving season, and to remind you that there are only seven more shopping days until Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving: a time to gather with friends and family, reflect on all that you have to be thankful for, and exchange holiday-themed presents. Yes, Thanksgiving isn't quite as big of a gift-giving holiday as Christmas, nor Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, but it is one of the holidays, and that means just one thing: Presents!

For the kids, why not a kit for them to create Pilgrim-themed artwork? You remember the hats, belt buckles, hand-traced turkeys, and cornucopias of your childhood. Now you can pass on the tradition to the next generation with a package of colorful construction paper and crayons from SVN/Pharmacy. Better yet, stop in at one of our many gift boutiques like Lamplight Emporium, Party Wherehouse, or Urban Renewal Forest for a package of pre-made pilgrim memorabilia — all of the joy, but none of the hassle of cutting and drawing.

For the gourmet in your life, how about a cornucopia gift basket from either of Alameda's grocery stores, Safeway or Nob Hill Foods? Now your friend will know what a cornucopia is really shaped like, as he or she empties out the jars of pickled herrings, avocado puree, fresh canned peaches, dried orange slices, and chocolate kisses!

If you're looking for something for that special someone who has been both naughty AND nice, how about a Sexy Pilgrim outfit from Jiminy's outfitters on Santa Clara Avenue? One size fits all. Or if you are looking for something a bit "native" you can even pick up a "Squanto" costume, on sale this week only.

No Thanksgiving is complete without a bundle of tiny presents wrapped up at each person's place at the dinner table. And nothing says "I love you, aunt Claire" better than a pearl necklace or 18 carat anklet from Daisy Zale's Jewelery. Act quickly while supplies last!

And for the cook who puts your meal together, why not an apron or chef's hat from Patricia's Pastry Pantry? Even if you are getting your meal catered as is becoming more and more popular, this makes a great tip for the person delivering the food.

We hope this has given you some ideas for how to make this sacred American institution even more special.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Announcing "Developers of Suncaltaan" Board Game!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are honored to scoop the competition in announcing the immediate availability of DEVELOPERS OF SUNCALTAAN, a fast-paced, action-packed, award-winning, family-friendly board game in which you the Right-Thinking Alamedan can pit yourself against the evil, notorious DEVELOPERS OF SUNCALTAAN to preserve your Fair Island City against the rising tide of Manhattanization!

Suitable for two to four players, this board game relies on your skill—but look out for the roll of the dice!—to defeat the developers. Settle your island with Measure-Acorn-compatible dwelling units and lay new traffic-decongesting freeways, or draw "Anti-development" cards to:

  • Populate neighborhoods with "Keep Measure Acorn" signs.
  • Sway the vote of the mayor and city council members back and forth.
  • Write angry letters to the editor.
  • Issue lawsuits against people you disagree with.
  • Block any development from happening on the island.
  • Issue ad hominem attacks.
  • Sign petitions in favor of the developers—and then remove your signature from the list.
  • Alienate the non-right-thinking public so much that they side with the developers even if they mostly agree with your points.
Designed by German-Alamedan Klaus Teuber, DEVELOPERS OF SUNCALTAAN was awarded the coveted "Spiel des Jahres" award (Game of the Year), the even more coveted "Deutscher Spiele Preis" award (we're not sure what that means but it sounds impressive), Meeples' Choice Award. It was inducted into the Games Magazine Hall of Fame, alongside the perennial favorites MONOTONY, MANHATTANIZATION, RISKY BUSINESS, and CHESS.

Battling the developers has never been so much fun! Available at Dee-20 Games, SVN/Pharmacy, City Hall, Toy Jungle, Alameda City Chamber of Commerce Headquarters, and everyplace else fine board games are sold.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Dedd Awn Blames SunCal, and So Can You


The firefighters are blaming the City Council for voting to hold a special election for land developer SunCal's Alameda Point peat bog initiative. I disagree. The City Council did not create this situation; land developer SunCal created this situation when it used reverse psychology to pressure the Council into bringing the Alameda Point initiative to voters in February, instead of waiting for the June election. If the City is going to have to pay more for the special election, it's because SunCal protested the special election too much. They left the Council with no choice but to put an extra burden on taxpayers who would otherwise have denounced them for giving in to the wishes of Evil Developers.

As soon as I realized that SunCal was to blame in this case, I began to see a pattern. First, I noticed that my computer screen had filled with annoying pop-up ads because I had been searching for information on SunCal. Later that same day, I made a wrong turn in my car because I was distracted by my own fuming about SunCal. When I heard recently that there had been an earthquake in Argentina, I knew who to blame: SunCal. And now I know that when people park in front of my house, it's all the fault of SunCal.

Life is much simpler now that I never have to wonder who to blame. The answer is always SunCal. This knowledge has given new focus to my complaining. If any of your readers would like to enjoy the same benefits, I highly recommend always blaming SunCal.

Dedd Awn

Monday, November 16, 2009

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland Asks, Is This the Influence We Want in Our Schools?


I attended a youth soccer game this Saturday, and one of the dads in the crowd stood up and started yelling at the coach. The coach tried to ignore him, but the guy ran out onto the field and grabbed the coach by the shoulders and started shaking him until his arms literally fell off.

I was later outraged to find out that the guy who assaulted the coach lives right here in Alameda, and his son attends a neighborhood elementary school in the desirable East End. Now, this isn't the first time that a parent has assaulted a coach of a youth sports team, but this single incident is absolute proof of a disturbing new trend in these vicious attacks.

This begs the question…"Is this the influence we want in our schools when AUSD allows in-district students?"

Your fine publication has already run an outstanding article by Dave Williamson that highlights the desperate need to free up spaces in East End schools for children from Cities That Are Not Alameda. The problem is, I don't think his modest proposal goes far enough. The incident I witnessed proves that kids from Alameda are a bad influence in our schools. Their parents are out of control, assaulting coaches left and right, and probably parking in front of our houses as well.

AUSD needs to solve this problem once and for all by mandating that all children who live in Alameda attend school in Cities That Are Not Alameda. That way, their bad influence won't bother anybody, because everybody knows that people in Cities That Are Not Alameda don't love their children the way we do here. Once we have cleared out all those bad seeds from Alameda, there will be plenty of room for kids from Cities That Are Not Alameda in our East End schools, and our youth sports coaches will once again feel safe enough to walk their dogs at night without fear of being attacked by unhinged Alameda parents.

Now, some people may ask, "What if there are good kids from Alameda who would also be hurt by this policy?" Well, when confronted with such irrefutable anecdotal evidence, AUSD has to act, no matter what the consequences are. It's like the old saying goes, if you really want to be sure you get rid of the bathwater, you're going to lose a few babies now and then.

Donald Kirkland

Friday, November 13, 2009

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Your Friday the 13th

Every time Friday the 13th comes around, people start talking about superstition. Now, if you're like me, you're not the least bit superstitious. As a committed environmentalist, I like to back up all of my beliefs with hard science. For those who aren't familiar with the scientific process, it goes something like this: I have a feeling about something, and I look for a piece of "science" to back it up. Any science that agrees with my ideas is known as "hard science." On the other hand, when I stumble on evidence that contradicts my gut feelings, that's what we call "soft science," meaning that it's as insubstantial as a drop of dew in the hard light of real science, and will soon evaporate, literally vanishing from existence.

So, now that we all understand how science works, you'll be glad to know that it can help counteract the unlucky qualities that we all know are so plentiful in Fridays that happen to fall on the 13th day of any month. Friday the 13th is the sort of day when you would expect some misfortune like breaking a mirror, walking under a ladder and ending up with a bucket of chemical-filled paint on your head, or having a black cat cross your path. If something like that does happen to you today, just be prepared with some eco-friendly good luck precautions.

For example, recycling the glass from a broken mirror will save 50% of the energy that would have been used to manufacture completely new glass, so instead of seven years of bad luck, you should expect only 3 1/2 years. As for that black cat, try a quick rinse with a safe, non-chlorine bleach, being careful to keep it away from sensitive parts like the ears, eyes and tail. Before you know it, you'll be crossing paths with a delightful grey, or even white kitty cat who's also squeaky clean, and not bad luck at all.

See? All it takes is a little creative science, and you too can turn simple superstition into something that's lucky for you, and lucky for the environment!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

A Modest Proposal to Solve the East End's School Overcrowding Problems


Last Saturday I was cleaning out my garage when I noticed an article in a very old copy of the Alameda Puppy Trainer that I was using to soak up oil in my garage, one that talked about the alarming rise in childhood obesity. I worried about this quite a bit as I drove my truck to the gym for my treadmill workout. On Monday, I read about how the Alameda Food Bank is desperate for a source of succulent main courses for hungry families this Thanksgiving. Then, on one of those local Boring, Lame Online Gossip Shops, colloquially known as B.L.O.G.S.—which I never read, by the way, with the following sole exception—I happened to see an article about an article about the fact that some of Alameda's schools lack sufficient space for kids from Cities That Are Not Alameda to attend. At one point the author, who sounded very intelligent, challenged East End parents to "put their children where their mouth is." Suddenly, I realized that the solution to the runaway rate of childhood obesity, the food bank's holiday shortage, and the East End school overcrowding problem has been staring us in the face all along.

Now, I realize that my solution may be somewhat controversial, but I urge your readers to consider its numerous benefits. By targeting the most obese schoolchildren for voluntary participation in the program, perhaps lured by the promise of complimentary pizza and soda, we could dramatically reduce the schools' obesity rates as spaces are…opened up for enrollment by healthier, skinnier children from Cities That Are Not Alameda. Meanwhile, the food bank would have a new, cheap, practically inexhaustible source of…Butterballs for needy families' Thanksgiving tables.

If this modest proposal seems…distasteful, consider the alternative: East End schools have so little space to expand that sun-blotting high-rise construction of two or possibly even three stories would be inevitable, with a devastating effect on property values. Now that's something that Right-Thinking Alamedans will never stomach.

Dave Williamson

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Alameda Remembers Those Who Served Bravely

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are proud to salute local veterans of the many wars that have been fought on Alameda soil. Many triumphant survivors of those wars have long since gone to their final resting places, as with those noble freedom fighters who liberated the island from the tyranny of King George III, and those who answered the call to duty after a Berkeley anarchist with numerous shady ties to Squirrels assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Albany, touching off the Great War. Other veterans are just now passing the torch to the next generation of brave men and women who work tirelessly to preserve our Alamedan quality of life in our biggest current conflict. We are referring, of course, to our fine young troops in the Global War on Squirrels.

Just thinking about the selfless sacrifices that Alamedans have made to keep us safe from the Sciurine Menace brings a tear to our eyes. Soldiers in the Global War on Squirrels are not only among Alameda's greatest, but also our smallest. There may be Alamedans serving in other wars around the world, but here in Alameda, we know which fight is the most important one. Hats off to you, Squirrel fighters!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Alameda Daily Noose and I Receive Praise for Outstanding Reporting on Every Issue

Hello Mr. G!

This is James "T-Bone" Whitfield coming at you from Ms. Python's Journalism Class at Encinal High School. She gave us an assignment to pick our favorite news source and write a letter to the editor to send them some props, you know what I"m saying, so you know your work is appreciated by the peeps out there. I did some heavy thinking while I was waiting in line at Mickey D's and I decided that almost all of my favorite news sources are actually FAKE ... you know, like parodies and what-not. John Stewart and Steve-o Colbert on the tube, and the Onion on the news racks. I tell you, bro, I learn more about all those countries that we are in a war with, you know those ones that start with "I" and the other ones that end in "istan", than I would watching Katie Couric or reading the Wall Street Windshield Washer!

But you, YOU are the MAN when it comes to tellin it straight for us peeps here at home in A-Town. Maybe you're the last REAL source of REAL facts left that doesn't suck! I hope you print this picture of me and the peeps from my class so I can show em proud. That's me in the middle, my main man Hank who looks like he's growin' out of my head LOL, my cousin Ricky up in the corner with his XGF Katie (but they are still tight, go figure), and Bad Bill over on the right side, and up in front next to me is my sweetie Mishelle and also Heather and Heather, who are both Mishelle's BFFs. You know what I'm sayin, we are a tight group here in our journey class, and Ms. Python should be lucky to have people like us taking her class! LOL, I mean ROTFL. You ever over near the Encinal Campus you just text me to say you're coming and I bet Ms. Python will let you talk up a few at our class, we'd be real honored, cause YOU THE MAN, so don't ever give it up!

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have been receiving even more praise than usual this week. Of course, we are extremely modest about our own talents, but we have pledged to publish every single letter that arrives in our mailbag, without exception (unless you count those letters that the senders clearly wrote accidentally, since no-one could intentionally be so wrong-headed and foolish).

Young Mr. T-Zone clearly has his head screwed on straight. Although he seems a little confused when he lumps that Stephen Colbert fellow in with purveyors of parody, we're sure that his journalism teacher can help clear that up.

Monday, November 9, 2009

The Alameda Daily Noose and I Receive Praise for Our Outstanding Coverage of Environmental Issues

From: Michael Corbitt
Sent: Thursday, November 05, 2009 11:17 AM
To: ''
Subject: And ANOTHER thing!

Roger –
We have some nice used BVD’s we can let you have if you get in a bind.:)

Sorry about having to push your car onto the property but we need to do our part for the worlde and you of all people should understand that …

Mike Corbitt

Southe Centre Malle

Editor's Note:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I received this letter in response to our recent exclusive Noose item on a new carbon dioxide reduction policy at Southe Centre Malle. We are impressed that Mr. Carpet recognizes the depth of our understanding of environmental issues. We assume that the offer of free BVD's is intended as a tribute to our unparalleled journalistic integrity. It's a good thing we broke down and bought one of those newfangled BVD players to supplement our trusty Betamax.

We are also pleased with the job that Mr. Carpet and his Evil Developer colleagues have done in sprucing up the Southe Centre Malle and attracting such top-notch music groups as the Ja, und das ist Polka! band to play in the central plaza. The biggest problem with the place now is that there are too many people. It's hard for the Alameda Daily Noose and me to enjoy our shopping and dining experiences when there are other shoppers and diners around. We trust that something will be done to improve the situation.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Only You Can Prevent Oil Spills

Dear readers, forgive me if I'm a little scattered today. You see, I've had trouble sleeping since that oil spill started soiling our poor, innocent Alamedan shore birds. It seems like just yesterday that I was pitching in with my fellow earth-conscious Alamedans to help clean up our beaches and supply fresh plastic bags for waterfowl to nest in.

But there is a silver lining to this latest disaster. As I was burning the midnight oil the other evening (we've been trying to save electricity), dreading the sleep that would surely bring with it nightmares of formerly spic-and-span egrets mottled with black, I had a revelation. If only we Alamedans didn't use so much oil, there might be no need for huge tankers of it to be blundering around our bay, poisoning wildlife every time there is some slight human error. At first, I was overcome with remorse at this realization, but then my famous can-do attitude kicked in, and I vowed that I would make a difference in Alameda's oil dependency.

At once, I sought out every source of oil consumption in our household, which only amounted to a small can of 3-in-1 and something called Murphy's Oil. I loaded them into my hybrid S.U.V. and drove straight to the hazardous waste disposal facility in that other city that's not Alameda. Then I drove to Wal-Mart to look for an environmentally friendly alternative to those toxic products. I finally settled on corn oil, because there's no way that could be bad for our environment.

I know that getting rid of my family's small amount of petroleum products was only a drop in the bucket, but imagine how much better our world would be if everyone in Alameda were to chip in just that little bit. I wonder how many of those 3-in-1 cans it would take to fill a whole tanker. Just thinking about it gives me a feeling of awe. A journey of a thousand miles starts with just a couple of quick trips in the hybrid S.U.V. I felt energized to prevent future oil spills (there certainly won't be any in my home, now!), and I hope my story will inspire you to make a start today!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Southe Centre Malle Implements New Car-Pushing Policy

Yesterday, visitors to Alameda's Southe Centre Malle who arrived by automobile probably noticed the armed guards posted at all driveway entrances, instructing shoppers to get out of their cars and push them to their desired parking space.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I drove over to investigate, and we verified that, yes, we were not allowed to drive our car on the asphalt roadways and parking areas within the confines of the shopping mall.

"This is private property," exclaimed the security guard named Jet. "You don't like the policy, you can turn around here and shop somewhere else."

We asked him nicely why this policy was in place. "I dunno, something to do with global warming. Ask the management," he said. We needed some new BVDs at the local Khool's department store so we obliged, pushing our gasoline-powered conveyance up the palm-tree-lined boulevard and into the almost deserted parking lot. As we pushed, we were passed by several pedestrians, bicyclists, and Segway-riders, who met no resistance when entering the property.

With some help from a certain Silicon Valley entreprenuer, we asked the Southe Centre Malle management using the new-fangled TWEETER system. Their reply was:

@RogerGrumbel We're glad you asked! As you know, Southe Centre Malle is dedicated to the fight against Global Warming. We have instituted a

That's the full extent of their reply. We can only guess their rationale is that they don't want people to be burning fossil fuels on their property. If that is the case, we can only admire them for their conscientiousness — not to mention their business acumen, since everybody knows that helping with the fight against global warming is a great way to attract environmentally-conscious customers.

Congratulations, Southe Centre Malle, and thanks for saving the planet!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

5:19 a.m.: It's Still Useless!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have heard that the San Francisco Bay Bridge was recently closed once again. No-one in Alameda seems to have even noticed the difference, which just proves, as we've said before, that the bridge is completely useless.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Resident Forms Neighborhood Watch Group to Protect Neighborhood He's Destroying


I was beginning to think that you had finally come to your senses and decided to stop droning on about the supposed negative effects of bagpipes, but I see that you decided to squeeze yet another anti-bagpipe rant into yesterday's edition. I don't want to get into an argument about the advantages and disadvantages of bagpipe automation; indeed, the very real threat to the livelihood of human bagpipers must be weighed against the enormous promise of modern mechanized production that could bring bagpipe music to every corner of the globe with such efficiency that it will be too cheap to meter.

No, I am writing today about the new neighborhood watch group I've formed in response to a problem we've had with people walking their dogs there and not collecting the unwanted deposits that their pets leave in our yards. In particular, many of my neighbors have reported glimpsing a grey-haired fellow who walks his little white dog down our street every day around 5 a.m., and has never been seen to pick up after it.

Whenever a member of the neighborhood watch group spots a dog owner failing to scoop up the dog's leavings, he or she will make a loud noise somewhere within earshot of the neighbors, who will then rush out with their cameras and cell phones, all of which I have pre-programmed to dial 9-1-1 simply by pressing the "Menu," pressing the up-arrow button three times until "SPEED DIAL" appears in the display, pressing "OK," pressing the down-arrow button four times until "9-1-1" appears, then pressing "OK."

Of course, the key to the entire scheme is equipping everyone with a device capable of making enough noise to rouse the entire neighborhood out of bed at 5 a.m., yet one that is melodious and pleasing enough to put everyone in a fine crime-fighting mood. Fortunately, I found something that fits the bill perfectly. I have issued one to each of my neighbors, and we've been practicing our neighborhood watch alert call in the nearest park early every Saturday morning.

Roy Avery

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I simply cannot condone this barbaric vigilantism; we only condone barbaric vigilantism against people we really don't like. This Roy Avery character has a lot to learn about dog ownership. He should try taking an energetic noose hound for a walk at 5 a.m. sometime and see if he feels like cleaning up after the little fellow every single time, even when he's absolutely positive that nobody's looking. The Alameda Daily Noose and I feel a lot more sympathy for the poor dog owner in this case, whoever he may be…especially when the alert signal itself is far, far worse than the supposed crime.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Reader Connects Dots to Reveal Deadly Triangle


I have noticed your publication has been not necessarily obsessed with, but rather focused on Squirrels and Robots of late, with nary a mention of the ever-present threat posed by Bagpipes. Right-thinking Alamedans around the world thank you for your pioneering work on the link between Robots and Squirrels, as well as your earlier reportage on the complex relationship between Squirrels and Bagpipes. However, it appears that you have overlooked the crucial third side of this Sciurine-Scotian-Robotic Triangle of Death: the Bagpipe-Robot connection!

A vacationing friend of mine used his "Eye Phone" to shoot this shocking footage on the streets of another city that, thank God, is not Alameda…yet. It's all too clear that Robot Bagpipers are capable of unleashing sonic mayhem at speeds and volumes no human—or even Scotsman—could produce. Don't let our Evil Robot Mayor's apparent change of heart on the Secret Robot Base issue fool you. Just imagine what havoc her leagues of Robot minions could wreak upon our Treasured Isle if they were retrofitted with these fearsome mechanical Bagpipes!

Drake Census