Thursday, November 5, 2009

Southe Centre Malle Implements New Car-Pushing Policy

Yesterday, visitors to Alameda's Southe Centre Malle who arrived by automobile probably noticed the armed guards posted at all driveway entrances, instructing shoppers to get out of their cars and push them to their desired parking space.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I drove over to investigate, and we verified that, yes, we were not allowed to drive our car on the asphalt roadways and parking areas within the confines of the shopping mall.

"This is private property," exclaimed the security guard named Jet. "You don't like the policy, you can turn around here and shop somewhere else."

We asked him nicely why this policy was in place. "I dunno, something to do with global warming. Ask the management," he said. We needed some new BVDs at the local Khool's department store so we obliged, pushing our gasoline-powered conveyance up the palm-tree-lined boulevard and into the almost deserted parking lot. As we pushed, we were passed by several pedestrians, bicyclists, and Segway-riders, who met no resistance when entering the property.

With some help from a certain Silicon Valley entreprenuer, we asked the Southe Centre Malle management using the new-fangled TWEETER system. Their reply was:

@RogerGrumbel We're glad you asked! As you know, Southe Centre Malle is dedicated to the fight against Global Warming. We have instituted a

That's the full extent of their reply. We can only guess their rationale is that they don't want people to be burning fossil fuels on their property. If that is the case, we can only admire them for their conscientiousness — not to mention their business acumen, since everybody knows that helping with the fight against global warming is a great way to attract environmentally-conscious customers.

Congratulations, Southe Centre Malle, and thanks for saving the planet!


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