Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Long-Awaited "KFC" Coming to Park Street Shopping District

Dear Rog:

Residents may have noticed the sounds and sights of new construction in the Park Street area for the first time in many months. Yes, that's right, we have a new restaurant coming to the Park Street Shopping District, one that people have been demanding for decades. It's a new business that comes our way all the way from the state of Kentucky, famous for its blue grass music, Bourbon Street, and that adorable little "KU Jayhawk" college mascot. Yes, it's called "Kentucky Fried Chicken", or for those "under twenty" hipsters for convenience in typing into their twittering eye-phones and BlueBerries, its short name is KFC.

We are more than a little excited to have "KFC" finally coming to Park Street! It will be opening up at the corner of Park Avenue (Park Street's younger sibling, but still a part of the Park Street district) and Encinal Avenue, across from Jackson Park. This is great improvement to this corner, which has been needing some fresh businesses for a while. All that we had at this corner was a "restaurant" that was, coincidentally, also called KFC. We're glad that eyesore of a building has finally been demolished and the owners of that seedy dive kicked off of the island, as it was a drain on the Jackson Park area's charming character.

Come by and say "hello" to the friendly construction crew as they put the walls and roof up on Alameda's soon-to-be favorite restaurant. This new part of the Park Street Scene promises to be classy yet family-friendly, and great for both lunchtime high school students on a tight budget as well as the most discerning eater looking for a four-star experience. And don't worry, the owner promises plenty of flat-screen televisions—one over each booth!

—Michael Moose
Executive Director
Park Street Merchants' Association

Monday, March 30, 2009

Scoop! of Revelations: Mayor Johnson's "Robotic" Call Now on the U-Tubes

Editor's Comments:

On Thursday, many Alamedans received a telephone call from Alameda's lame duck mayor, Beverly Johnson. The Alameda Daily Noose and I soon realized that this was no ordinary phone call, but rather a shocking and surprising revelation of our so-called mayor's shocking hidden secret. We have once again scooped all of the other major news media by obtaining the following exclusive, 100% accurate dramatization of Thursday's "Robotic" call to Alameda residents, which we have posted on the U-Tubes so that all Right-Thinking Alamedans, even those crazy kids today, can see it for themselves:

Johnson courted Alameda voters by stating on her campaign in the mayoral election that she was a "good" "person" who could be "trusted." Her signs included the slogan, "Trust Me, I'm Not an Evil Robot." However, as the "Robotic" call and our hard-hitting dramatization thereof prove, our so-called mayor is, in fact, an Evil Robot bent on destroying Alameda with some kind of "Force Fields" emanating from a secret base cleverly disguised as a Tartan-Oriented Development.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I suspected all along that the mayor is an Evil Robot, but we did not mention it publicly for fear of creating a panic. Well, the time for panic has finally arrived. Today at noon, there will be a demonstration at City Hall protesting the mayor's plan to build a secret base at Alameda Point as a launching pad for her army of Robotic minions to enslave the human race.

We hope that this will be only the first of many demonstrations against the mayor's diabolical plan with increasing numbers of protesters in future weeks to insure that the Evil Robots will be defeated in the upcoming Apocalyptic Battle for Truth, Justice, and the Alamedan Way. We hear it's scheduled for November.

Roger Grumbel

Friday, March 27, 2009

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Green Spring Cleaning

In Spring, a person's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of cleaning. But wait! Before you pull the trigger on that bottle of spray cleaning solution, have you read the label? I've read a lot of labels in the course of my in-depth green living research, and let me tell you, some of the things on those labels are scary! For your own peace of mind, take a look at what's in your cleaning closet. If you see yucky-sounding words like "Chlorinated phenols" or "Perchloroethylene" on your usual cleaning products, it could be time for a change.

When you see a label like that, immediately remove it from the container of cleaning product. Then, cut out the Green Cleaning label below, and tape it onto the container where the old label was.
Presto! No more scary words. By the way, you might also want to write in a description of what the product is for, so that you don't accidentally wash your clothes in bleach, or Armor All your carpet instead of shampooing it.

Once you get those nasty labels out of your life, you'll rediscover the joy of cleaning with a clear conscience. So come on, everyone, and let's do some green washing!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 14 days, with the most recent shown in green:

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
Corica Have Mercy:

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
This Is an Outrage:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, March 17, 2009
Despite public outrage, the Council majority voted to force homeowners to house their in-laws for extended periods, whether they like it or not. One of the public speakers in favor of this blantant governmental abuse used the wrong word at the 1:12:42 mark, so we can safely assume that everything he said was inaccurate and deliberately deceptive.

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, March 23, 2009

Golden AcornGolden Acorn
Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Regular Transportation Commission, March 25, 2009

Golden Acorn
Nothing Worth Complaining About:

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Janet Marchant Has a New Chinese Fan

It's clear from a "comment" that appeared, as if by magic, on a page of the Alameda Daily Noose last week, that someone in China enjoyed Janet Marchant's most recent "Green Living" column. This is quite an honor, since we understand that China sets an example for the rest of the world when it comes to environmental responsibility and, more importantly, saving money. Janet must be light-years ahead of the Chinese on both counts, proving once again that Alameda leads the world by example.

So it is with great pleasure, and understandable smugness, that we give a hearty "Ni hao" to the Alameda Daily Noose's financially sound, Clean Coal-burning fans in China!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Evil Developer Really Pushing It with Ridiculous Plan for Gondoliers

We all know that Evil Developers say the darnedest things, so it should come as no surprise that the latest plans to destroy Alameda Point involve forcing everyone there to travel by gondolier. That might be okay for anyone who both lives and works on the shore (as if anyone would want to live anywhere on that toxic swamp of pristine open space), but what about people who want to go to inland destinations? It's ridiculous to expect anyone to hold onto heavy bags of groceries or other large purchases while balancing on the shoulders of a huffing, puffing, gondolier.

Besides, it's a well-believed fact that in order for a gondolier to gain momentum, he must first start singing, and then continue singing in order to maintain a constant speed. As if the constant din of bagpipes in Alameda weren't bad enough, the city now wants to add multiple simultaneous renditions of "O Sole Mio" to our already noisy streets.

Nobody wants to travel by gondolier in this country, as they soon found out in that nearby city that's not Alameda. People love their cars too much to allow gondoliers, maglev personal transporter pods, unicorn-drawn omnibuses, or anything else to replace them. If the development plans for Alameda Point go forward (although of course they are doomed to fail in this economy), all of our tax money is going to be wasted on straw hats that will then be tilted over the somnolent eyes of idle gondoliers, and no-one will be able to get anywhere in Alameda.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Milhous K. "Grr" Sanka Wants City Attorney to Explain Why Proposed "Granny Unit" Ordinance Doesn't Violate the USA Constitution


I am astonished that city staff proposes imposing on people by forcing their In-Laws, specifically people's children's Grandmothers, to stay with them for extended periods. Whom among us in these tight economic times would risk being forced to put up greedy relatives whom will eat us out of house and home? Anyway, I pulled out my U.S. Constitution and right there, in Article III of the Bill of Rights, it says, "No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law." Well, by extension rules applying to Soldiers also apply to In-Laws in general and Grandmothers in particular. These mooching, nagging relatives certainly do deprive the less fortunate home Owners of Alameda of their groceries, to say nothing of their peace and quiet, just as surely as a squad of hungry Soldiers in a time of war. I should know: My In-Laws have been here all week, and they have been plundering my refrigerator and invading my privacy as if my house were some sun-baked sandbox of a country sitting on top of a great, big mess of oil. Furthermore, Article XXI, Section 2, states that "The transportation or importation into any State, Territory, or Possession of the United States for delivery or use therein of intoxicating liquors, in violation of the laws thereof, is hereby prohibited." Clearly, my house is my "Territory" as well as my "Possession," and I am a citizen of the "United States," so, by simple extrapolation, my house is both a "Territory" and a "Possession of the United States." Now, the laws of my house state that all intoxicating liquors shall be shared equally among all family members of legal drinking age, with the largest portion going to the head of the household, to wit, myself, and yet during my fascinating after-dinner discourses on the correct interpretation of the U.S. Constitution, I have seen Granny repeatedly sneak a nip from a little flask she keeps in her purse without ever offering so much as a sip to me! I would like to hear Teresa Highsmith, Alameda's City Attorney, explain why this "Granny Unit" proposal is not unconstitutional. When will city staff and our elected representatives wake up to the rights of the people? Do we have to hire a lawyer to get a judge to sound the wake up call?

Milhous K. "Grr" Sanka

Friday, March 20, 2009

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greener, Cleaner Air From Your Houseplants

Did you know that green plants not only produce that healthful oxygen that makes our lives easier, but can also filter impurities from the air inside your house? Yes, indoor plants are nearly indispensable for the true green-liver!

Now, you may think that you don't have space for plants in your home, but you might be surprised what you can do with a little grass seed and some creativity!

There's always some nook or cranny where a housplant can live. You can even save yourself the work of watering plants by taking advantage of naturally moist places such as the bathroom.

Just give yourself a vigorous shake when getting out of the shower, and your bathroom plantings will thrive!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Kids These Days and Their Silly New Trend


Would you believe that the hot new trend among kids these days is making bird noises? I keep hearing about it from people who know these things. Apparently, everyone who's under 30 is "twittering" these days, and some who are over 30 are, too! Can you imagine anything more ridiculous than making "tweet-tweet" noises at each other? Not only is it silly, it could lead to more serious things. After all, it's a fine line between "twittering" and "chit-chit-chittering", and we all know what that leads to. I don't even have to tell you that "chit-chit-chittering" is exactly what Squirrels do! We need to nip this "twitter" thing in the bud, or the next fad we'll see is rampant, blatant Squirrel hugging!

Frieda Bellows

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Don Perata Avoids Being Photographed for the 8,678th Time

In a rare public appearance yesterday, Don Perata, former President Pro Tempore of the California Senate, managed to avoid being photographed for the 8,678th time.

The former politician, announcing his intent to run for either the Mayor of Oakland or the California Board of Equalization, announced that he was putting all of the controversy surrounding his tenure in the state Senate behind him, and asked voters to give him a fresh chance.

Perata was asked to comment on his tendency to avoid public scrutiny and photography.

"No, the rumors that I'm a vampire are just not true," laughed the politician. "I just move very quickly, and modern photographic technology just can't keep up with me. And hopefully, neither can my opponents."

Perata, described by reliable sources as being somewhat overweight with gray, receding hair, was last known to be photographed for his St. Joseph High School Class of 1963 Yearbook, shortly before announcing his decision to run for Class President.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Huge Green Parade Tomorrow!

Editor's Note: Due to the late-breaking grumpy letters to the editor and other merde de cheval that have been flooding into our news desk, the Alameda Daily Noose and I made the executive decision to delay publication of last week's installment of "Green Living by Janet Marchant." Fortunately, these hippie-dippy "green" columns that are so popular with the kids these days never contain anything remotely time sensitive, so we're sure our readers won't mind the delay.

Tomorrow, Saturday, March 14, the nearby city of San Francisco (perhaps you've heard of it) will be holding a huge parade in honor of the island nation of Ireland's long history of contributions to the environmental movement. Yes, everything about this parade is "green": the outfits of the participants, the beer they will be drinking, and the likely color of their faces come Sunday morning.

Many people don't realize that the Irish are the world's original environmentalists. It all started with a plucky young environmentalist named Patrick who was transplanted to Ireland against his will. Despite some initial reservations about their lack of curbside recycling, Patrick soon realized that his new home had the potential to be the greenest one he could have imagined. Among this pioneering planet-saver's many contributions was the eradication of invasive non-native reptile species from his adopted land, converting the benighted people of Ireland to the one true faith of environmentalism, and recycling major elements of various indigenous pagan beliefs.

This guy was so devoted to the cause of green living that he was almost like some kind of saint: an inspiring example to us all. That's why I'm so excited about the upcoming holiday. It certainly is lucky that my column gets published on Friday, just in the nick o' time to let all o' you green-thinking Alamedans get ready to celebrate with me in San Francisco tomorrow!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Open Letter to Alameda Community Theater from Inaction Alameda

Following is a late-breaking grumpy letter to the editor reprinted from yesterday's edition of the Inaction Alameda News. Stay tuned for updates from the Alameda Daily Noose and me as this grumpiness develops.

Dear Editor,


The leadership of the Alameda Community Theater has rejected the request of several members of the community to allow an actor from S.O.S.-P.!A. to perform an alternative musical production to the insipid comedy You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown. We are surprised and, frankly, shocked—shocked!—that this decision was made. An actor from S.O.S.-P.!A. was prepared to perform all the parts in a more serious, more appropriate musical for Alameda and we thought that in the interest of balanced dramatic self-expression it would be welcomed. The overwhelming majority of Alameda residents are not cheerful so much as grumpy, so no light-hearted musical is going to adequately fulfill the entertainment and art-appreciation needs of our town.

Hearing both sides of the spectrum in musical theater is certainly in the interest of members of the community if they are to make an intelligent decision about which kind is better—musical comedy or musical tragedy. We are prepared to perform our favorite musical tragedy side-by-side, on the same stage, with the next performance by the Alameda Community Theater so that all Alamedans can decide for themselves which type of play is better for Alameda. We trust that the members of the Community Theater will act responsibly in the interest of drama which depends on the audience's willingness to buy tickets to support it.

We are thankful that there is such a Right-Thinking publication as the Inaction Alameda News in this town, willing to print hard-hitting grumpy letters to the editor like this one. The credit is, no doubt, due to you, the excellent editor of this journalistic masterpiece. Thank you for asking the tough questions in your interviews with local luminaries like media magnate Dave Williamson, and doing such infallible research on subjects such as the woeful state of sandwiches and theater in Alameda.

Sincerely you,

Dave Williamson
Inaction Alameda News

Dave Williamson
Ace Reporter
Inaction Alameda News

Dave Williamson
President, Vice-President, Chairman, and Publisher
Inaction Alameda News

Friday, March 13, 2009

Inaction Alameda Comments on Alameda's Un-communitarian Community Theater

Following is a reprint of the latest article published in yesterday's edition of the Inaction Alameda News, included here only for completeness, and not, repeat, not because the Alameda Daily Noose's and my circulation vastly exceeds that of the Inaction Alameda News.We want to be sure we give the Alameda Community Theater's hired gun Jean Noix Huit his due as he has taken issue with some of our theater reviews over the past few months. Monsieur Noix Huit is known throughout Alameda for paying lip service to the tenets of artistic self expression and nurturing new talent while doing everything he can to suppress those whose creative aesthetic he disagrees with. That is why, as we approached the Alameda Community Theater Thursday night, we kept muttering to ourselves: "Just how communitarian is the Alameda Community Theater"?

Sadly, we soon had our answer. Despite its ostensible mission to promote art for all and despite the large sign in the lobby reading "Welcome, theater lovers!" the hired goons guarding the doors to the auditorium refused to allow us inside without a quote-unquote ticket. What a bunch of hypocrites!

Fortunately for you, dear readers, we found a high-school student willing to buy us a ticket with his student discount and proceeded inside. We took our seat as the lights went down, but it soon became evident that this so-called community theater was not going to present an alternate dramatic viewpoint to balance out the saccharine musical comedy of its production of You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.

The more we watched, the more disgusted we became. Were the players aware that their characters seemed shallow, nay, almost cartoonish? Nothing on that stage reflected the harsh, tragic reality of life in Alameda today. Why didn't Lucy get into an altercation with Snoopy when he parked his flying doghouse in front of her psychiatry stand? Why didn't our good-for-nothing mayor pave over the Very Little League's baseball field to build one of those big-box stores she loves so much? Why wasn't poor, sensitive Linus mauled by a Squirrel, or by a Scotsman, or both?

Where, oh where, was the musical tragedy? We could stand it no longer; we rushed backstage, through a door marked with a sign we had no time to read, and found ourselves stumbling into the spotlight. Without missing a beat, we burst into a heartfelt rendition of "A Little Priest" from our favorite musical tragedy, Sweeney Todd: Demon Barber of Park Street. We had barely gotten through the first verse when Alameda Community Theater's hired thespian guru Jean Noix Huit made a rather firm jerk on the large hook he was holding, in response to our bravura performance.

Monsieur Noix Huit addressed your correspondent directly, and forcefully, asserting, 1) the stage door is for performers only because it says "performers only" on it. He provided no further information in the moment, but he offered to forward us details which we encouraged him to do. And 2) community theater is performed by members of the community who have rehearsed their lines and perform their parts under the guidance of a chosen director. We made clear to Monsieur Noix Huit that in the context—an artistic presentation to the community, wherein some community members questioned the choice of play—it looked to us that he was trying to distance himself from his production. And we explained that we are free to stand up, clear our throats and start singing as we saw fit, it being a free and democratic country, after all. Monsieur Noix Huit, in return, characterized this as "merde de cheval" and proceeded to yank us off the stage with his hook.

He could have just written a grumpy letter to the editor.

As of bedtime, uh, I mean press time, we were still waiting for an apology from the management of the Alameda Community Theater, preferably with a big stack of free tickets attached. We hope that in the future, both Monsieur Noix Huit and the local community theater will serve as better role models than we witnessed tonight.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 21 days, with the most recent shown in green:

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
Corica Have Mercy:
Regular ARRA Meeting, March 4, 2009

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
This Is an Outrage:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, March 9, 2009
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, March 3, 2009

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:
Regular Transportation Commission, February 25, 2009

Golden AcornGolden Acorn
Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, February 23, 2009

Golden Acorn
Nothing Worth Complaining About:
Regular Meeting of the Ennui Board, February 29, 2009

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Graffiti Around Tim Gubitnik is Proliferating


Lately, I've been seeing graffiti wherever I go. It seems to be proliferating. The photo I sent, for example, shows a sticker on a street sign not far from my house. I've seen similar ones elsewhere in my neighborhood, too. It's obvious that it was put there by someone who is not from Alameda, because no true Alamedan could be so crass as to deface signs and leave unreadable scribbles all over my neighborhood.

Do you believe the increasing amount of graffiti surrounding my house is correlated with the City Council allowing uncaring outsiders to infiltrate Alameda? I pose this question as a resident of Alameda. I have utterly renounced all ties that I might have once had to cities other than Alameda, so you can be sure that I'm not the one doing any of this graffiti.

Tim Gubitnik

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Lon Geddoff Criticizes Cockamamie Clock Customs


This stupid "Daylight Saving" business threw off my whole day on Sunday. Why didn't anyone come knocking at my door on Saturday night to tell me to turn my clocks ahead an hour? What do we elect our do-nothing public officials for, anyway? I missed several chances to yell at people who parked in front of my house on Sunday before I realized that they had all parked an hour earlier than I would usually be keeping an eye out for that kind of thing.

So, whose idea was this cockamamie custom of turning our clocks ahead? I don't much mind that day later in the year when we turn our clocks back, in fact I think we should turn the clock back more often here in Alameda, but what's the point of undoing that work by turning the clock forward again a few months later? That just puts us right back in the same lousy situation we tried to fix by turning the clock back!

I suppose I'll keep turning my clock back like some "expert" apparently says we're supposed to, but I expect everyone else to meet me halfway on this thing. From now on, everyone should refuse to turn their clocks forward in the spring. It might take a while, but maybe we could eventually work the town back to 1952 that way.

Lon Geddoff

Monday, March 9, 2009

Alamedan Displays Impressive Cobweb Collection

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have discovered that there is still a barn located on what used to be agricultural land on Bay Farm Island. Although it is completely disused, the barn houses the largest known collection of cobwebs in the city. After much cajoling, the owner of the barn (who wishes to remain anonymous) agreed to allow tours of the cobwebs on alternate Thursdays of any month ending with the letter "h," as long as no-one touches anything.

The barn's owner is considering replacing it with a combination garage and hot-tub, but has agreed to allow the cobwebs to be transported to the Alameda Museum for permanent display. So, if you want to see the cobwebs in situ, you'll have to hurry. Apparently, the owner has already begun the permit process for his project, so the barn may be gone as soon as May of 2012.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Reusable, Renewable, Ravishing Household Items

If you're like me, you go through a rolls and rolls of paper towels in the course of accomplishing ordinary, everyday tasks. I used to feel bad about putting all of that paper in the landfill, and using up trees that might be better used to stoke my living room fire pit, but now I've discovered a great alternative for many of my towel needs.

Did you know that it is possible to buy large, sturdy, reusable towels right here in Alameda? That's right! A number of stores carry them, including a couple at our own Countrie Peripherie shopping center. These amazing, paper-free towels are made of all-natural, renewable resources such as cotton. A single towel can last for years. Just wash it after use, or, if it's just wet and not dirty, hang it up to dry and use it again!

Don't be put off by the up-front cost of these miracle cloth towels. They are worth every dime. I recently bought some to use for drying off after bathing, and they've already paid for themselves! Not only that, but the cotton towels don't seem to leave my skin as chapped as the paper ones did.

So save yourself some green, both at the store and in garbage collection costs; try reusable towels today!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Council OK's Demolition of Blighted Property

Following is a press release from the Alameda Planning and Building Department.

At Tuesday's meeting, Alameda's City Council voted to allow the demolition of a house on a blighted piece of property in the Park Street business district. As can be seen clearly in the attached photo, the structure is decrepit and outdated, and the property is suffering from dangerously overgrown vegetation and severe drainage problems.

This horrible blight will be replaced with a vibrant, state-of-the-art temporary automobile deposition facility, as show in this artist's rendering.

When presented with the plans, key stakeholders were ecstatic. "This is truly a dream come true," gushed community activist Frieda Bellows, "It's like a gathering place for cars!"

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Dave Williamson Provides Some Little Known Facts


Here at Inaction Alameda, rumors have been flooding into our news desk that the lunchtime "Chef's Surprise" today at Ole's Gruel and Hardtack Hovel is actually a meat loaf sandwich made from the remains of yesterday's "Meat Loaf Parmigiana." Clearly, no-one liked the meat loaf the first time around, so they are going to try to disguise it. This lack of transparency, especially in connection with a sandwich, is disturbing at a time when sandwich interests are destroying our town.

Other rumors currently flooding into our news desk include a sighting of Bigfoot yesterday in Washington Park, a reminder that swimming within an hour of eating will cause stomach cramps and drowning, and a juicy tidbit about Alameda's Planning Board. According to our exclusive tip, not a single member of the Board has ever gone through an entire meeting wearing pants. Now, some may argue that Board members appear to be wearing pants before and after meetings, but is it any coincidence that their legs are completely hidden during the meetings? Failure to disclose this pantslessness is a clear violation of the Brown Act, and should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Stay tuned for more hard-hitting gossip and hearsay, as soon as it washes over us. Journalistic integrity: Inaction Alameda News is soaking in it!

Dave Williamson
Inaction Alameda News