Brrr! Those chilly winter winds have me thinking about home heating costs. Haven't you had it up to here with those gas bills? Besides, what harm are we doing to our planet by burning non-renewable fossil fuels? It doesn't have to be that way, because now there is a new, alternative, miracle fuel to chase away the shivers. It's called "wood," and getting it won't cost you a dime, because this wonder fuel literally grows on trees!
But how do I harvest and use this so-called wood, you ask? It's as easy as 1-2-3!
- Wait for your neighbors to go on vacation. That way they won't be bothered by all the noise and sawdust. You won't believe the looks of gratitude on their faces when they return to find their yard completely cleared of unsightly, dangerous Squirrel habitat!
- Fire up your trusty gasoline-powered chainsaw and make a cut at the base of the trunk of each tree in your neighbor's yard. When the tree falls, use the saw to cut the trunk and all the big branches up into one- or two-foot-long chunks. If a tree happens to fall on your neighbor's house, don't worry! You can also cut up any boards or planks that come loose and use those, too.
- Bring the chunks of tree back to your house, take them inside, and look for a big hole in the wall, usually in the living room, and pile the wood in there. If your house doesn't have such a hole, which we eco-friendly heating technicians call a "fire place," simply stack the wood inside a circle of stones or bricks in the middle of the room. Now, using a match and maybe a dash of lighter fluid, set the wood on fire, and enjoy hours of all-natural, renewable heat!
The great thing about burning trees instead of oil or natural gas is that trees are renewable, so we never have to worry about running out. After all, once your neighbor's yard is cleared, there's always your neighbor's neighbor's yard, and so on forever. Your heating problems are solved the natural way, once and for all!